Alright, first things first, my plan didn’t go quite as I thought it would. I mean, who would’ve thought stone was heavy? Stupid. I hate Diamond Tiara even more now.
I went after the statue first, just like I told you, but no, things had to go and be hard. I got there and, low and behold, there was no ball or toy to frame the bitch with. That required me to bust down the door of some shed to grab one, which I did. Then, as I was throwing my weight into the statue to knock it over, that stupid ball got under my hoof and sent me to the ground too. Where that stupid fucking statue broke across my head.
This is all stupid, so stupid. Stupid. I owe my life to how cheap that stupid fuck, Filthy Rich, is. If that thing had been made of anything sturdier then my dead body would be out there with the broken statue, thus ruining my goal of framing Diamond.
Yes, Booky, I’m fine, just needed some bandages when I got home, which was after I dragged Carty back to Sweet Apple Acres. What, you thought that would go swimmingly too?
Getting the tombstone was far easier and thus made me look ever stupider when I put it in Carty and his damn axel broken again. So I had to literally heave that heavy fuck all the way across town with my head leaking blood every which way.
At least everything else when swimmingly. So, despite fate’s obvious attempt to fucking murder me, I accomplished my goals! So ha, fuck you, fate!
Well, considering the fact I’m currently sitting in my house with my head wrapped up like a fucking mummy, I’ve decided to read through that mail the Derptard left.
Dear Ipsa,
Hey sport! (Off to a great start.) How’s everything going? (It’s going good, I guess, y’know, what with Carty breaking again and me with a probable concussion.) Life good down there? (No, but once I get to see the affects of my actions I’m sure things will pick up quick.) How’s the old house, you making sure to take care of it all? (Not really, no, considering all things. Who the fuck is this?) Get your cutie mark yet? (No, thanks for reminding me.) Find that special mare (Foal machine.) yet? (No.)
I know it’s been a little while since I last sent you a letter, (Oh no, you’ve got to be kidding me. Did I seriously open one of his letters?) but please understand how hard it is for me to write these days. (Yeah, it must be pretty difficult to write when you’re busy fucking my friend, Daddy Dearest.) This old body of mine isn’t as up to snuff as it used to be and using quills and pens and pencils has been real hard to do. Sunny’s been on me (I’m sure she has, the whore.) about using a typewriter or just letting her write out my letters for me, but I know how much you like these kinds of things to be personal and such.
I miss you, son. (I’m sure you do.) I know it’s probably too much to ask for you to visit me or something, (Oh hey, look, he’s right about something.) but I’d just love to hear from you. (Fuck you.) Sunny would too. (I’d say fuck her, but that’s probably what he’s doing right now.)
Oop, looks like I’ve gone and stayed up too late again (Silly ponies think they can tell me when my bedtime is?? FOOLS! Pirates like you and me choose their own bedtimes, right son?). (HEY! THAT’S MY THING I DO! Looks like the old fuck wasn’t satisfied with just my friend.) I’ll write you again tomorrow. (By all means, please do. I’ll take it about as seriously as this one.)
I love you, son. (Sure you do.)
Love,
Dear Old Dad
Can you believe that? Stupid fuck actually wrote me a letter. I’d vomit if I wasn’t so pissed. I’m guessing that means the rest are from him too.
You know what, Booky? I’m gonna read em. It’s been more than enough time since I’ve gone on an insult rant.
Dear Ipsa,
Sorry about that letter just cutting off yesterday, they get real antsy when you don’t get to sleep on time. (Like I did when you ran off with my friend?)
Now, where was I? (Not here, that’s for sure.) Oh, right, the thing.
I know you’re the smart type (Damn right.), just like Chilly (Her name was Difficille Invenies. Difficille. Not Chilly.), so I won’t try and ignore that you probably know something is up. Well, at least I want to try and ignore it, but Sunny tells me you’d rather me tell you everything.
Please understand that I don’t wanna hurt you (A little late for that.), son. That’s the absolute last thing I want. (No, I’m the absolute last thing you want, you made that much very clear.)
Now, seeing how Sunny’s usually right when it comes to stuff and things, I’ll get right to it. I had a bad day last weekend. (Aw, sucks for you.) A really bad day. (Aw, that really sucks for you.) Now, I ain’t saying that I have good days all the time but when the days get bad they can get kinda nasty, if you know what I mean. (I suppose I wouldn’t, cause, y’know, I never have bad days ever. Not that’d he’d know, at least.)
Anyway, I’m sure it’s just the sniffles or something and that everything’s fine. Still, though, I just wanted to tell you how much I loved you in case you forgot or something. (Fuck you.)
Dang mares (Foal machines.), always cutting in on my ‘me time’. I promise I’ll write you once I’m feeling a bit better.
You know, son, I’d just love to go camping, wouldn’t you? (No.) Would you like that? (No.) Once I kick this flu’s plot do you wanna maybe go? (No.)
I love you, son. (Fuck you.)
Love,
Dear Old Dad
Yep, these are his letters. Sappy as fuck.
Dear Ipsa,
Now you see, son, this right here is why you gotta keep me in the loop! (What?) I figured you’d put them good looks I gave you (I didn’t get them from you, you ugly fuck.) to some good use, but I never figured you’d go and find such a little cutie like this pretty little pegasus (Huh? A pegasus? Oh, right, the ones with the wings.) that came to see me today.
That’s my colt! I figured you’d nab one of them nifty little flyers! (Booky, what the fuck is he talking about?)
I mean, there I was, eating my fill and trying to get Sunny to crack a smile for me and I’m told I’ve got a visitor.
Now, I won’t lie to you (Of course not, that’d be bad. You’d just leave forever with my best friend.), son, I thought it was you at first. That would’ve been a real nice surprise and it’d still be one. (Not gonna happen.)
Anyway, when I met her, I was kinda confused cause I didn’t recognize her or anything like that. (Oh look, he didn’t know something. How surprising.) And don’t start with the sass, mister; I’d recognize strange eyes (You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. The fucking Derptard went to see my fucking father?) like those if I’d seen them before. If you think getting an unknown visitor was weird then you should’ve seen my face when she said she was your friend. (Fuck her.)
I don’t know why these mares keep trying to deceive me (Cause their deceitful and conniving, you stupid fuck.), ain’t any lie good enough to slip past my Liesense! (STOP STEALING MY THINGS!) So when she went and said that, I knew immediately what kind of friend she was talking about. I saw it in her eyes when she said it. Now, I won’t judge as to why she’d be trying to hide such a thing, but if she’s in any way affiliated with my colt then she ought to be wearing that affiliation on her sleeve for the world to see. (Fuck you and fuck her.)
Well, ‘complicated matters’ (Doesn’t begin to describe it.) (Her terminology, not mine.) aside, she decided to hang out for a little while with Sunny and I. She was real sweet and asked a bunch of questions, but I had a few questions myself (As did Sunny, but you know her.) and once I got her talking, well, it was hard to get her to slow down!
Told me about everything you’ve been up to and such and a little about herself. I particularly found how you two got close to be particularly romantic. (Yes, bonding over burning buildings is such a romantic thing to do.)
I’d go on and on but, like I said previously, writing is getting real hard for me and I’m kinda having another one of them bad days. (Good.)
Just know that I’m proud of you, son, for what you did for Vocem. I told Derpy that that’s colt Chilly and I raised. (…Thanks, I guess.)
I love you, son.
Love,
Dear Old Dad
Oh look, more.
Dear Ipsa,
Hey sport, this won’t be a long one. Not feeling good today. (Good.)
Like I said before, I had a real bad weekend before and, well, this ain’t the flu. (Do not care.)
Say, you wanna come visit me? (No.) I know I said we could go camping before, but we can still pretend we’re camping, right? (No.) Remember that? Remember when we’d have those adventures on the high seas? (I remember you leaving.) We could do it like that, just like that.
Oh Celestia, this ain’t fun to go through without you here by my side. (Gee, sounds like it sucks. Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you left.)
Hehe, nurses think they can tell me when it’s time to take my medicine. If I wanna write my son a letter during my morning check-up then I’ll do just that. (Please, don’t.)
Derpy said she’d deliver any mail I had for you personally, so I’m hoping to hear from you real soon.
I love you, son.
Love,
Dear Old Dad
Desperate fuck.
Dear Ipsa,
I love you, son, please remember that. Know that I never stopped loving you. I never would’ve left you there if I had a choice, understand that. I wanted to stay with you more than anything, but that might’ve robbed me of the twenty years I’ve hung on for. I wish you would’ve come with me. Life’s not been so good without you in it. Sunny’s told me a thousand times that I’m wrong when I say it, but twenty years without you don’t equal one with you.
I love you so much. It ain’t fair we had Chilly taken from us the way she was (No, it wasn’t.), but you know if she couldn’t go out with her loving family gathered around her then she would’ve wanted to do so to protect us.
I love you.
Love,
Dear Old Dad
Gah, I get real tired of his crap. Let me guess, he’s gonna talk about more ‘camping’ in this one?
Dear Ipsa Unica, (Wait, what? That’s not his hoofwriting. Who the fuck is this?)
It pains me to have to write this letter. You don’t have to worry about paying any fines or fees or anything like that. Sale’s saved up money for years so that you wouldn’t have to spend any when the time came.
I remember when he first got sick. How broken it made him to know he had to make such a choice. Seeing him like that was terrible. The only thing that kept me from falling apart every time I came over was that I got to see how much he loved you and how much he’d give for you.
If there’s one thing you can say about that stallion it was that he loved his son. (Oh no, not her, please, be the Derptard…)
That’s why I convinced him to come to Canterlot with me. (Damn it, it is her.) I know it was a controversial move (No, really, it was fine with me.), but I wanted to give you two as much time as I could and, as nice as Ponyville is, the care center down there just cannot compare to the ones in Canterlot.
Please understand how thankful I am for your father, Ipsa. (You can have him, bitch.) He made it very clear from day one that he didn’t want anypony but me as his personal caretaker, even if I was nowhere near as talented as the specialists he had to choose from. I don’t think my training would’ve gone as smoothly if not for him. (Good for you.)
If Sale knew how bitter you were then he never let it show, but I certainly know, but don’t you dare let that influence any thought to not come to his funeral/ (Wait, what?) You can stay with me and my husband until you feel like you’re ready to leave.
We’ll be holding the service in two days in the Canterlot Gardens. They’re that the castle directly sits behind. I’m sorry about the short notice, but the crematory is on a tight schedule and that’s what Sale wanted done with his remains.
Please, don’t sit down there and brood anymore, come say goodbye.
Condolences,
Sunburst
…I love you too, Daddy.