//------------------------------// // Guano Happens // Story: Sweet Guano Acres // by EarthbendingProdigy //------------------------------// "Breakfast is ready! Come and git it!" The roosters crowed every morning at Sweet Apple Acres, which meant it was time for the Apple Family to take their morning showers, but the real wake up call was when Granny Smith was done making breakfast. Apple pancakes, apple waffles, eggs, apple cinnamon oatmeal, hash browns, fresh squeezed apple juice, she made it all and more. To most ponies it seemed like overkill, but Granny Smith knew that even the youngest of the apple clan had as she put it "the appetites of full grown stallions." She knew how crucial it was for Applejack and Big Macintosh to keep up their strength, and for young filly like Applebloom to be able to stay focused on her studies. "So Applejack, Big Mac ah know apple buck season is comin’ up and aye reckon thanks to those bats spreading the seeds and their droppings we have more apple trees than ever before, but the question is how are ya'll going to pick them?" Granny Smith wondered. "I have learned the hard way that it ain’t a good idea ta take on more than you can handle, and asked Big Mac to use his fancy mathematics to run some numbers and I’ll let him talk." Applejack said as she pointed to Big Mac. "Eeeeeeeeeeeyup, there ain't no doubt that Applejack and I can't buck all those trees by ourselves, but with the massive increase in profits due to the unprecedented yield of apples and the expected increased output of cider during cider season I estimate that we have more than enough bits to hire a few farmhands." Big Macintosh said as he put down his calculator "Have ya tried asking your cousin Braeburn, another apple family member, or yer friends to help like they did last year Applejack? If we need to hire a few farmhands than that is what we need to do, but this is the family business after all and kin is supposta look out fur one another." Granny Smith asked. "Braeburn already asked me if I could help him in Appleoosa, apparently ever since the settler ponies made peace with the buffalo the buffalo have shared their crop rotation techniques, which has quadrupled the output of apples. They have already hired hundreds of ponies to help tend the fields, and are still hiring more." Applejack replied. "Now hold on, I could get Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo to help who knows we might get our cutie marks in apple bucking." Applebloom suggested. "Now sugarcube, there can be a few chores they might be able to help with, but apple buck season is an all-day affair and ya’ll need to be in school and there are several tasks around the farm that yer not old enough for yet. But don't you fret you will be as big and strong as Big Macintosh and I in no time ain't that right?" Applejack tried to reassured her sister. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeyup" “Applebloom, I know ya want to help, but ya got ta move yer caboose and finish breakfast or you will be late.” Granny Smith reminded Applebloom as she pointed to the clock “Oh shit, I gotta get going.” Applebloom panicked as she looked at her clock. The room suddenly became deafly silent as everyone stared at the young filly in shock at her sudden, unexpected expletive which was finally broken when Big Macintosh asked “Where did ya learn that word?” “I learned it from you and Applejack when ah overheard ya both talk yesterday about how you couldn't believe how good batshit is as a fertilizer, we would have been up shit creek if it wasn't for Fluttershy: we are making a shitload of money thanks to the bats, how we need to replace this piece of shit plough and how Applejack needed to take a shit I was really confused about the different meanings so I looked it up in this dictionary Twilight gave me.” “Okay Applebloom, we will talk to later about how you shouldn't use that kind of language until you are a tad older, and not in mixed company a bit later tonight. Clean your plate, meet your friends and get to school.” Applejack fumbled her words as she tried to save face. The silence resumed until Applebloom left, finally being broken by Granny Smith. “Applejack, Big Mac, what ya'll said ain't nothin I ain't heard nor said before but if ya both don't watch yer sailor talk around Applebloom you'll will be both be having soap fer dinner, understood?” “Yes Granny” Applejack and Big Mac both said. “Why can grownups say words like shit and I can't? It is so unfair.” Applebloom thought to herself as she started walking to school. Luckily her predicament would be on hold as she finally got to class on time, albeit just barely. Time seemed to go by fairly quickly that day, it seemed like she was only there a few minutes before the bell rang for lunch. Applebloom was starving and Granny Smith always packed the good stuff, even if a bit more of the food was apple based than she would sometimes like. It is not that she didn't like apples, but she often wanted something a bit different like maybe pears, pineapples or even oranges. And since Gilda the griffon visited Ponyville a few years ago she has been curious as to what meat tastes like. Of course, she knew she wouldn't sate that curiosity today or anytime soon but she got something a little unexpected when she opened what she thought was her lunchbox as she sat next to her friends Sweetie Belle and Scootlaoo. “Ewwwwww what the hey is this? It looks and smells like...” Applebloom said in surprise. “Did Granny Smith accidentally put in a rotten apple or something? I didn't say anything before but I have been, smellin' it all day.” Scootaloo asked in a blunt manner “Come on Scootaloo, it doesn’t smell THAT bad.” Sweetie Belle said as she moved closer to see what was in Appleblooms lunch pail. “Holy mother of Luna, I was wrong it really does smell that bad.” Sweetie Belle corrected herself as she held her hoof to her snout. “Oh no! Oh sweet merciful Celestia no! In mah hurry to get to school I musta accidentally grabbed this bag full of bat guano I was supposed to give to Zecora for one of her potions tomorrow” “Chill, don't worry, we can just talk to Ms. Cheerilee, and we could maybe go over to Zecoras to give her the guano and go to your place to get your real lunch.” “Thanks Scootaloo, let’s do that.” “Good idea, nopony has to know that you brought bat poop to school.” Sweetie Belle a bit louder than she should have. “Geez Sweetie Belle, tell the whole school why don't you? Let’s get this over with so I can eat my lunch in peace.” Applebloom sighed. As Applebloom and her friends got up to go to talk to Ms. Cheerilee they were interrupted by a familiar yet unwelcome voice. “What is this I hear about bringing bat poop to school?” “Diamond Tiara, can't you and your stool pigeon find something better to do than to torment us for once? Today is really not a good day.” “Yeah, I guess you can say you are deep doo doo.” Silver Spoon snickered with contempt. “Who are we to poo poo that?” Diamond Tiara said as they both erupted into laughter. “So what is in the bag?” Silver Spoon asked as she tried to reach over to see what was inside. “That belongs to Applebloom, and what is in it is none of your business!” Sweetie Belle said while trying to block the bullies. “If you mess with Applebloom you mess with us.” Scootaloo said as she clopped her hooves together in a threatening manner. “Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! This is too rich, you really did it, you, brought bat droppings to school!” Diamond Tiara laughed as she held the bag in her hooves. “Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! I don't know what smells worse, you or that bag.” Silver Spoon roared with laughter as she pointed to the bag of guano. “I ain't taking your bait no more; y'all can say whatever I don't care.” Applebloom said as she and her friends started walking away. “Before I forget speaking of smelly, worn out old bags how is your Granny Smith doing?” Diamond Tiara asked in a contemptuous manner. “You take that back!” “Does the big baby want her bottle? Lunch is almost over and we are going to get something to eat as in you know actual food.” Diamond Tiara laughed as she and Silver Spoon started walking away “Applebloom, what are you doing?” Scootaloo asked as she noticed Applebloom opening up the bag of guano “Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon said they want something to eat and I am going to give it to them.” Applebloom laughed mischievously. “You are not going to do what I think you are going to do, are you?” Sweetie Belle asked in shock Applebloom ignored her friends as she grabbed a hoof full and started rolling it into balls carefully placing them back in the bag. She soon grabbed one of the “balls” and started winding up her arm as if she were getting ready to throw a pitch at a major league baseball game. Once she was sure she had enough force and accuracy she threw the manure at Diamond Tiara. As she was eating the unsuspecting Diamond Tiara got an unexpected taste of karma. The guano Applebloom threw was meant to hit her in the head but landed directly into her mouth. “Oh eeeeeew! Eeew! Eeeew!” Diamond Tiara screamed in disgust as she struggled to spit the poop out of her mouth. It didn't long for the whole schoolhouse to know what was going on as scores of students rushed to the scene cheering “chuck it chuck it” Silver Spoon watched in shock and horror at the scene in front of her and before she knew it she felt a splatter of poop hit her face. “What is all that noise and what is that horrid stench?” Ms. Cheerilee wondered as she was inside grading papers. “I better see what is going on.” Ms. Cherilee said as she walked outside Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon saw Ms. Cheerilee and tried to run over to her, Applebloom still blinded by her rage hurled another ball of guano at them only to have them dodge and have it hit Ms. Cherilee. As she wiped the mess off her face Applebloom looked on in shame and horror as she realized. “Oh no, I am sorry Ms. Cheerilee I didn't mean to hit...” Applebloom apologized profusely. “No, but you meant to hit them didn't you?” Cherliee said in a stern voice as she looked down at Applebloom. “Uhhhhh, I uh don't know.” Applebloom replied with embarrassment as she shook her head. “Applebloom, you are going to give me that bag while I call Applejack to come pick you up.” “I am sorry Ms. Cheerilee, but they started it and…” “Whether or not they started it is irrelevant, two wrongs don't make a right young lady you should have just come to me or Applejack instead of doing this and were you two also involved in this?” Ms. Cherilee asked Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. “No, they weren’t they tried to talk me out of it but I did it anyway they didn’t do nothin’.” Applebloom said “Okay, Applebloom I appreciate your honesty but you are still in a lot of trouble you are suspended for 3 days.” “Well girls, I guess sometimes guano happens.” Scootaloo sighed. “Really Scootaloo? I know you are trying to cheer me up, but did you have to make that joke now?” Applebloom face hoofed.