//------------------------------// // [FIXED] Episode 58: This Is What Happens When You Give An Idiot Minions // Story: The Life of a Wanted Changeling (Comment Driven Story) // by Down with Chrysalis //------------------------------// You really have no clue what you just did. There was evil music and rock formations...and LION KING OH MY GOD IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. But now you realize you might have gone too far. I mean, snatching the Princess and her beloved bird? Could you even pull that off? "Um, you know what, that was stupid, let's...uh let's all gather round and watch Netflix together!" you say. Your suggestion is met with silence, and Nightshade face hoofs and shakes her head. Spot is being a Starscream and keeps trying to overthrow you (and like Starscream, all his coup attempts fail hilariously and Bugze doesn't even notice them What... what did I just do?Is the only thought going though your mind at the moment. One minute you were seconds away from destroying the Diamond Dogs, the next you're their leader and now you're planning suicidal high treason by plotting to foalnap the stinking sun princess! You decide that things have officially gone too far. Sure at the beginning of all this it sounded like a good idea. Get some minions, nab as many gems as possible, then pay off The Doctors debt. Simple right? Now you're about to do the stupidest thing anyling has ever done in the history of stupidness (coming from the changeling who practically spat in the princesses faces, that's saying something). You're gonna kidnap a sun goddess... WHAT WAS I THINKING! I mean all there was was some evil music and rock formations and... JUST HOW STUPID ARE THESE DOGS! I mean the whole point of this stupid plan was that they would not agree to it. But nooooo, I get the dumbest minions in the world. And considering how my stupid plans usually work out, I'm afraid that it might actually work... ha yeah right! You decide to voice how stupid this plan is and hopefully convince the group not to get killed. "Um, you know what, that was stupid, let's... uh let's all gather round and... uh... watch some movies together!" ... Nothing. Just silence is met with your suggestion. You chuckle nervously and you hear someling sigh and you look at The Inventory (which you have put back on) to see that Nightshade is looking at you with a look that says 'really daddy, really.' You duck down to whisper to her, so you don't notice Spot throw one of the Dig Dogs helmets at where your head was. It missed when you ducked and it ricochets off a tree that was behind you and bonks Spot right in the face. The other dogs role their eyes at their shorter companion. You don't notice any of this as you are too busy talking with your daughter... "Nightshade, honey, the next time daddy decides to do something stupid, do me a favor and stop me from doing it, okay?" Nightshade nods her little head and says, "Aye aye daddy." She then salutes you and then she pops back into The Inventory. You give a sigh of relief at the fact that your daughter would stop you from doing anything stupid... again. You then look over to your new minions... As you looked at your new Minions ypu cant help but think they would look god in purple. As you look over your bruised and battered minions (thanks to you) you can't help but think of one thing. One thing that is so important that nothing can compare to it. Something so awesome that not even Sapphre Shores (you admit that you are a fan of hers... a big fan... okay number one fan... potential stalker... Look you have a closet shrine for her, okay? Sheesh) could compare to it. Not even the reveal of the oldest question in the universe (42) could compare to this. And that thought is... These dog would look good in purple... Yeahhhhh... you really need to either get a life or find a hobby or something. You shake your head at the thought and decide that, as the new boss, to get down to business. But, what should you do first? You put on your thinking face and you begin to think of what you should do first.... ... *ding* Have the Diamond Dogs take you to their gems, only to find they have very little (Diamond Dogs say they had to give it to "Miss Rarity" which makes Bugze believe that Rarity is some sort of greedy thief... only to change your mind when the DD say they DID try to foalnap her, but had to release her because she was so annoying. Cue facehoof and remembering to get earplugs for Diamond Dogs) First things first, I'll ask them to take me to their gems, after that I'll just... I'll think of something. You think to yourself in a confused tone. You nod your head at your idea and you scream, "ATTENTION!" All the Diamond Dogs immediately stop what they were doing, and they get in a straight line while they are saluting. You begin to walk down the line in front of them while saying in a loud yet gruff voice, "Listen up maggots! As I am the new alpha, my word is law! You will listen to every signal one of my commands as if your life depended on it! Cause it does! From now on you will only respond to me with three words 'master yes master!' Do you understand!" You pause and wait for the dogs to respond. "Master yes, master!" You shake your head and scream, "YOU LIE, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" The Diamond dogs immediately respond with a loud "MASTER YES, MASTER!" You nod your head as you continue to walk down the line and you continue to bark, "Good! Now, you will not like me! You will come to hate me! But that does not matter, for you are under my command! I am hard and even possibly a bit insane, but I'm fair! I do not look down on dogs, ponies, Buffalo, or griffins. You are ALL equally worthless! Feel free to question my orders at your peril! Uh... Any questions?" The Diamond Dogs stay silent for a few moments before you continue. "Now I want you maggots to take me to the gem stash, is that understood!?" The Diamond dogs nod their heads and and say, "Master yes, master!" You shake your head again and scream, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" The dogs respond with a loud, "MASTER YES, MASTER!" You nod your head as you stop in front of the line of dogs and say... Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war. Except you're not in Ponyville yet. Your minions scatter, forcing you to chase them down and get them organized again. "Havoc! Now take me to the gems dogs of war!" The Diamond dogs nod their heads and they begin to run really fast away from you. You nod your head in satisfaction... until you realize that they are all going in different unorganized directions and are attacking everything in their path. Your eyes widen in shock before you shake it off and begin to chase after the dogs while screaming, "Bad dogs! Bad! You stop scratching that tree! Rover put down that bird! Fido! Spit out that chipmunk this instant or so help me (*trip, whack*) Spot! Get yourself off the ground and stop running with spears before you poke someling's eye out! Oi Dig Dog 3, spit out the nice skeleton ponies bones, that's not a nice thing to do!" 2 HOURS LATER After you finally managed to reorganize and calm the Diamond dogs, and after having to apologizes to some very angry animals (and skeletons, who didn't eat anylings brains because apparently. You and the dogs don't have any. Let's just say that you are very offended) you got them to lead you to their base. On the way their, the weirdest things would happen to Spot. Whenever he got close to you, he would trip and fall down on something painful. Like rocks, and bee hives, and even poison ivy! You would try and help him, but every time you did he would just shake his head and say, "I'm fine master. Next time for sure... Alpha status will be mine!" Anyway, apparently their base is right outside of Ponyville! You were surprised that they would have a base this close to the six mares home, and you wonder if this was another one of lady luck's cruel jokes. You decide to shrug it off for later, right now you needed to see how many gemstones your minions have. They led you to the very back of the cave, were apparently they kept all the gems they find. What you see is... not that much. In fact, the only gems they had were tiny, pebble sized gems. Probably not very valuable either. You think to yourself in sadness before you sigh and ask Rover, "Is this...all you have? I thought you told me you guys had a lot more then this?" It's true, on the way here Spot was telling you about all the gems they have collected over the years. Rover chuckles nervously before he begins to explain, "We use to have lots of pretty gems, but we forced to give them to Miss Rarity". You give an annoyed sigh at this and think angrily, Of course, not only is she a needle-wielding sadist who wants to turn me into a pincushion, but she also takes advantage of and robs the mentally weak! And they say I'm the bad guy! You were gonna agree with your thought, if it weren't for the fact that Fido then says, "We foalnap Miss Rarity to make her find gem-" He flinched and backed away from you when your eyes turned orange at the mention of the word 'foalnap', but you shake your head to get rid of it and he cautiously continues, "But she whine so much we forced to give her gems to make her stop and leave." You struggle to hold back your laughter at this information, I've been stabbed by needles, been whacked in the 'holy spot' by cabbages, had nature itself try and kill me, and have been on the receiving end of more beatdowns than most ponies had slices of pizza. But these guys get their flanks kicked by a pony whining? That in itself is hilarious. Also, note to self: get the Diamond dogs some ear plugs. As you are holding back your laughter, you can't help but realize something... Bugze realizes the value of his new minions. He could finally pay of his impossible high debt and change the diamond dogs for the greater good. Maybe he could even become one of the cool mob bosses like al Capone except not evil. As you're wondering how to get out of this, an idea occurs. If you capture Princess Celestia, it would be a great time for the two of you to clear up some misconceptions that have arisen lately. You could tell her that you're trying to be one of the good guys, and ask her how to control your Nightmare cloak, and even ask her not to kill Nightshade! This plan might not be such a bad thing and end in pain and misery after all! (Thought the smartest changeling ever) You know what, now that I think about it, this plan and new minions (really need a name for this group) might not be such a bad idea after all. With these minions and this plan, I might finally be able to pay off my debt to The Doctor after all! I could also make them into good guys. I could even become one of those cool mob bosses in those old movies I watched, like Ale Capony. But, you know, not evil or dying in a hail of arrows. And if I do capture Celestia, I could clear up all this "Your evil" and "Off with your head" problem. I could tell her that I've been a good bug all along! I could even ask her to get rid of... this. You can feel the symbol on your chest glow as you thought about it. You put your hoof on it and continue to think, I mean sure, the Nightmare Cloak is really powerful, but... it's too dangerous. I'm a danger to everyling around me while I have this power, with Celestia's help, I could save alot of ponies. Plus, I could ask her to tell her sister not to kill Nightshade! I should probably find out why she wants her dead in the first place too. Yeah... this plan might not end in me being in pain or misery after all!(thought the smartest changeling ever.) As you begin to nod your head at your thought process, you hear Grrrrrowl... You quickly realize that was you're stomach telling you that you're hungry so you order, "You heard my stomach. Any of you dogs got any food?" "Master yes Master!" Rover replies "Big dogs! Get master food and drink." The Dig Dogs run off before returning with a golden gem-lined cup of water and... Several raw slices of meat. You get a bit queasy at this. Even though changelings feed on love and are generally omnivores when not eating love, you've always been a vegetarian ever since you saw that film by "Ponies for the Ethical Treatment of Animals" about the horrid conditions in Griffin meat-packing plants (you still occasionally get flashbacks whenever you hear a pig squeal). You then say, "I'm a vegetarian you fools! Do you have anything NOT ripped off of a dying animal?!" The Dogs flinch back in fear before Rover nervously responds, "B-but... Master, we meat-eaters. Only non-meat food in Ponyville." Okay... Let's see: I'm a wanted fugitive who's normal and coated form are easily recognizable and my changeling disguise spell is extremely unreliable. you think to yourself How am I going to get food from Ponyville- Give intentionally/obviously stupid/insane orders in hopes that minions will spot the obvious flaws and think up of more sensible plans Order them to steal 40 cakes (which is as many as four tens And that's terrible) from Sugercube Corner WHILE Princess Celestia is drinking tea inside I know! I can use my minions to get me food! I can even hit two birds with one stone if I give them an stupidly insane order and maybe they'll see the flaws and make up a better plan. But what would work... As you're thinking, you start to remember things from your last visits to Ponyville and details of what the six mares were discussing on the train. *ding* Got it! "Minions. There is a building in Ponyville that looks like a gingerbread house. It's a bakery where Princess Celestia should be having tea right about now. I want you to steal 40 cakes from there asap!" Stealing a big load of cakes from a bakery in broad daylight while the bucking sun goddess is inside? Noling would be dumb enough to- "Master yes master!" Express mental annoyance at minions unquestioning going along with stupid orders, but let them attempt orders anyway (you rationalize that letting them get hurt will teach them why the order was stupid so they'll know better next time. You can just rescue them before things get too bad) You resist the urge to facehoof as you think, Okay... My minions clearly have more fur than brains. Well... Pain is a memorable teacher (I know that firsthoof) so I'll just let them go ahead, fail, get injured, then come in and save them. Hopefully, they'll know better in the future. You see the Diamond Dogs still standing there and you command, "Well what are you waiting for... GET TO IT!" The Diamond Dogs all stumble over themselves to get out of the cave and rush off towards where you think Ponyville is- "Oh buck!" you shout as you realize something before you start pacing in circles and panicking to yourself. "Those five ponies, the dragon, AND the bucking sun goddess are there and those dogs are not only dumb as rocks, but they're still injured from that thrashing I gave them! I just sent those dogs on a bucking suicide mission! Oh, my first day as evil overlord and I already get all my minions killed! What do I do? WhatdoIdo?!" "Daddy?" You turn and see Nightshade with a deck of cards and she continues. "I'm hungry and I'm bored. Play 'Go Fish' with me till the doggies come back with food." Thanks to your daughter, you forget about your worries and play cards with her (Fido left them behind) 7 GAMES LATER Get shocked when the Diamond Dogs (barely) succeed at the stupid orders After playing (and losing) seven rounds of "Go Fish" with Nightshade, you hear a commotion and look at the cave entrance to see... The Diamond Dogs pulling a cart with 40 cakes in it. Your jaw drops to the floor as Nightshade looks at the cart in joy. You pick up your jaw and ask, "How... How the hay did you pull this off?" Rover replies, "We dig under Ponyville and arrive in kitchen. Princess pony already leaving so we steal cakes while everypony looking at Princess." Of course... you think to yourself as you remember that they're called "Dig Dogs" for a reason. Seeing this as a chance for what those military movies and games call "recon", you ask, "Did you notice ANY other ponies there? Specifically, a yellow pegasus with pink hair, an orange one with blonde hair and a hat, a rainbow pegasus with anger issues, a purple unicorn, 'Miss' Rarity', a crazy pink pony, a tiny purple dragon, and the princess's bird?" All the Diamond Dogs huddle and mutter among themselves before they break off and Rover says, "Uh... orange one leave carrying food on her nose, 'Miss Rarity' whine some more while wearing big dress, pink one knocks over ponies while spinning, purple horned pony and purple lizard talk to each other, rainbow flying pony leaves after making funny faces at armored pony, and yellow flying pony and bird not there." Well, that info was completely useless. You think to yourself in a deadpan tone. You then just realize something, Luna! I made a vow to be good and I just masterminded the theft of 40 cakes! That(*smack*) You slap yourself to snap out of you mental panicked ramlbing (earning odd looks from your minions) Calm down bug! All you have to do is return the cakes before anyling notic- "BURP!" You and the Diamond Dog turn to where the burp came from and see that Nightshade has eaten ALL the cakes. "NIGHTSHADE!" you yell. "But Daddy, I was hungry. I saved a cake for you." She holds a Black Forest Cake in her front hooves and gives you the puppy dog eyes. You sigh in annoyance as you realize you can't stay mad at that face and you walk over and retrieve the cake as Nightshade goes back in the Inventory. You're about to bite into it when you think of something, "Minions." you say, getting their full attention "Because you all did an excellent job pulling off my... unorthodox orders. I shall reward you with cake for all!" The dogs sniff at the cake as you offer it to them, but they suddenly flinch back. "Is there something wrong with the cake?" You ask. "Uh, master" Spot says "We dogs. Chocolate is poison to us." "Oh..." you say in awkward response. As you hold your cake, thinking of your next move, one of the dig dogs comes rushing in. He salutes you before saying, "Master, me spotted a squad of Royal Guards patrolling area! What you want us to do?" "How many are in the squad?" You ask the digger. "Eight master, mostly rookies." Order a head-on assault on a large squad of Royal Guardponies on patrol in the outskirts of Ponyville You put on your thinking face and think, Okay, I need a more obviously stupid plan of attack- *ding* Got it! You clear your throat before saying in a commanding tone, "Rover, gather Fido and three Dig Dogs. Charge that heavily-armored and possibly elite squad head-on...! In a pentagon formation!" Okay, everyling in the world knows that the Equestrian Royal Guard has to be the best of the best. Surely even these boneheads can suggest something smarter like digging under them, hit-and-run from the trees, NOT attacking them, or at least a better formation than a stinking PENTAGON of all stupid shap- "Master Yes Master!" Your eye twitches in annoyance before you quickly add in, "Good... Oh, and bring them back here alive." You say the last part with deadly emphasis and Rover nods his head before he, Fido, and three dig dogs leave the cave to attack the patrol. As you are watching them leave, you don't notice Spot jump at you with a spear in hand, ready to stab you. But, you happen to notice a bit on the ground, you smile and bend down to grab it. This causes Spot to go flying over you and to slam face first into the cave wall. You don't notice this as you pocket the bit (66 Bits). You then see the pack disappear into the forest and you shake your head with a sigh and think to yourself, When I'm done with my cake, I'll teleport over, knock back the ponies with a 'Fus Ro Dah', and teleport those boneheads back to the cave. Hopefully they won't be injured TOO badly... *munch* HALF A CAKE LATER After being halfway done eating your cake, Rover and the others finally come back. They look pretty messed up, but they don't look too injured and Fido is carrying an unconscious Dig Dog on his back. Your jaw drops when you see two Dig Dogs dragging a makeshift stretcher with SEVEN ROYAL GUARD PONIES in an unconscious, bagged-head pile and one other guard head-bagged, tied up, and being dragged behind the stretcher. You are shocked at this fact, but you then realize two things: 1. These Diamond Dogs are alot tougher than they are smart (they DID survive a Nightmare Cloak-fueled beatdown after all) 2. The Royal Guard isn't exactly The P-Team (you loved that cheesy action serial as a little bug. Your favorite characters were always a tie between Face or B.A. Minatarcus, but you're getting off topic) You shake off your surprise and you ask Rover, "Rover, what happened?" Rover replies, "We charge ponies in pentagon pack with Fido and two Dig Dogs in front. Ponies so shocked at charge that we smashed right into them, scattering their group off path. They trip over rocks and roots allowing we's to knock more of them out while they're down. We capture them without trouble." "And what about him?" you ask while pointing to Fido placing down an unconscious Dig Dog with a dented helmet as Spot pours water on the Dig Dog's head. "Well... that flying pony (*points to tied up pony not in cart*) get in front by smashing feet-first into Dig Dog 3 from above and try to fight us so others could flee, but horned leader pony keeps dragging them back and saying something about 'staying in formulations cowards!' Needed whole pack to bring flying pony down." "Did HE cause most of the bruises?" Rover looks down in shame before replying, "Uh... yes master." You nod your head before you get up from where you're sitting, and you begin to circle around the captured guard and say in your evil voice, "Well, you must have been quite the brave one huh? Risking your life so the other guards could get away. But, do you think it was worth it? Now that you have been brought to me?" The guard struggles against his binds, before giving a muffled response while you continue to munch on your cake, "It was differently worth it scum. Even if you have me, the others would have alerted Princess Celestia and the other Royal Guards by now. They'll save me. You're finished." The voice sounds oddly familiar, but you shrug it off and you continue to speak, "Yes, the princess is going to spend all those resources on rescuing one little bland Pegasus." You say sarcastically, "You really believe that the princess is gonna come for you. Please! You're just one of many royal guards, you guys are so interchangeable that losing one will have about as much impact on her as losing a toothpick. You're all alone now. Just save us both the trouble and give up." "Oh, if only my friends were here, then you'll be sorry!" You don't want to do this, but you have to in order to keep up your act. The orange guard begins to struggle some more, so even though it'll kill you conscience-wise, you need to disarm this pegasus's spirit first before you can even hope of getting any useful information. You try to remember every villain breaking speech you can from those comics, movies, and games and continue, "Well my little brave pony, I must apologize." "...What are you talking about?" "Well, remember how I was slightly ranting about how you're alone? I'm sorry, you're not. Your entire squad is here too!" "You're lying. I saw them retreat as I held you guys off!" You motion to Fido who roughly shoves one of the unconscious guards causing him to groan in his 'sleep' before you continue, "I'm not lying this time. Your buddies DID escape, but apparently your squad leader dragged them back. Something about 'staying in formation' which allowed my minions to drag you all here." "...I knew Second Lieutenant Strong Head was strict, but I never thought he'd be that stubbornly stupid!..." "Yeah... Your 'sacrifice' was all for nothing." you say as you take another bite out of your cake. The Pegasus falls silent for a few moments. You feel bad for doing that, but you've thought you've accomplished your goal when suddenly he says, "Then the princess WILL come for us! I might have been 'one little bland Pegasus', but because you dared to assault a whole squad, she's not only going to notice, but she'll come down on you like Saddle Rager on a poacher! Face it, you're a monster who's built to fall." A comic book and song reference? You think as you look at the pegasus guard curiously, before deciding it was time to see who the prisoner is. You use your magic to lift off the brown bag and saying, "Let see who you are shall... we..." You drop the bag and cake and stare in shock at what you see. No... it can't be... there's no way... ... Flash Sentry?! What do you do?