Twilight Verbs Article Nouns

by Lapis-Lazuli and Stitch


The Last Straw


"Ugh! Spike, can you believe this!?" Twilight Sparkle hurled the paper to the table with an audible thwap and glared at the offending headline. "Twilight Sparkle Can't Read Celestia's Hornwriting" it blared in bold block lettering, featuring a picture of her holding up a scrap of parchment towards Spike. Panic had been written across her face at the time, and it hadn't been until ten minutes later that she realized Celestia had accidentally sent her a note written while drunk.

Scandal of drunk letter writing aside, Twilight was mortified at the suggestion that she couldn't read her mentor's hornwriting. She could read anypony's hornwriting! Even Sweetie Belle's! This wasn't just an article in tremendously bad taste, it was insulting! And wrong too! She hated it when these stupid articles got things wrong! It just made it worse somehow!

And it was hardly the only one. Her entire table was strewn with magazines and newspapers painted from top to bottom in inane and stupid sounding articles about her every day life. Everything from where she ate, to what she ate, to who she ate it with seemed to be fodder for every tabloid and local newspaper from here to Vanhoover. The less said about what had been written about her hobbies, the better.

And as for Spike? Well, she was still getting letters from angry 'dragons rights activists' from all over Equestria about her enslavement and mistreatment of an innocent baby dragon, forcing him to do toil and suffer under the abusive and all powerful Equestriarchy. At least he found the letters amusing, even if she did need to defuse a few magical mail bombs at least twice a week.

But this was going too far. She could handle ponies being obsessed with her eating habits. Fine, I need to be a good role model for the younger fillies and colts, so I should probably not eat six Hayburgers in one sitting. And she could tolerate the articles about her personal opinions, even the stupid everyday ones. Fine, fine. Ponies take things Celestia says out of context all the time. Price of being a Princess in Equestria is having your opinions analyzed. She could even just barely live with fluff pieces about what she did with her spare time. After all, Cadence has to deal with articles about the stuff she and Shiny get up to.

But this, this she could not stand. This she would not stand. Suggesting that she could not properly read, interpret, and then carry out the commands of her sovereign and her mentor with absolute precision and perfect timing was a bridge too far! No, she would not stand for this! Nor would she sit for it! Something had to be done, and so Twilight turned to her most reliable and most powerful weapon against the absurd and villainous. The Elements of- Wait, those were still in the Tree.

Right. A letter to Celestia it was! "Spike, I need you to take a letter that we might rout this vile and scurrilous slander!" she proclaimed pompously, then grimaced as she realized how incredibly dumb her voice sounded like that. "Ah, that is to say..."

"Eh, no worries Twi," Spike grinned, grabbing parchment from one of his many hiding spots and producing a writing quill from one of the jars on the kitchen counter. "Let me guess. 'Dear Princess Celestia...'" he said slightly mockingly, but it was not in Twilight's spirit today to take him to task for it.

"Ahem." She huffed, then lifted her head high to intone the words. "I am writing to ask for your advice on how best to deal with the recent troubles I've been having with the Equestrian press. Given your long history with them, I had hoped you might have a solution which would allow me to get back to reading about the Mayoral elections in Manehatten and the recent labor struggles in Baltimare. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle." Spike's writing had gotten much quicker over the past few years, and he finished almost on time with her dictation. A few moments of rolling and one burp of dragon fire later, the letter was off to its destination.

It took Celestia exactly sixty seconds to respond, with Twilight just starting to wrench her mind onto more relevant topics like what she was going to have for lunch and how she might acquire some Hayburgers without anypony noticing she'd gone out. Spike's belch was audible from all the way across the library, and as he rushed in with parchment in claw she noticed he looked awful confused. "It uh..." Spike began, stumbling over his words. "It just says two words. 'Confuse Them.'"

Twilight stared at him in disbelief, snatching the parchment away and glancing at it quickly. Sure enough, in quick and sharp hoofwriting the words 'Confuse them.' were written, with a dash and a large ornate C to tell Twilight who it was from. Confuse them? How? With what? Surely Celestia didn't want her casting a Want-it Need-it spell on something and throwing it at the hordes of reporters lurking in wait around her home. How could she throw them off her scent? How could she make all of these stupid, inane articles stop being so attracti-

The thought hit her like a bolt of lightning striking her castle's topmost spire. It was a thought so utterly brilliant, so perfect, so totally and incredibly genius that she was struck quite dumb by the sheer magnitude of the possibility. It would be risky, oh yes. Difficult too. But it was the kind of gambit her mentor might very well have been proud of. Of course, it would have to be perfectly executed or all she would do is make her problem worse. But... but.... The phrase 'that's so crazy it just might work' truly did apply here, even if Twilight had been sure it would only ever apply to Pinkie Pie and the plans she made when she was drunk.

Still. It was a better idea than doing nothing at all. "Spike, would you be so kind as to go ask Rarity and Sweetie Belle to come over?" She said, very carefully. "I think I know exactly what to do."

~~~~~~~~~

"So, that's the basic situation." Twilight dropped the considerable stack of papers in front of Rarity, who eyeballed them disdainfully. "But I think I've got a plan." She leaned on the fancy wooden table, which invariably made Rarity flinch a little. Twilight lived in a castle now. She was expected to have slightly better manners than she'd displayed previously. But as far as Twilight was concerned, everything in here belonged to her anyway and so she would use and abuse it however she darn well pleased. Still, it never hurt to be polite, so she took her hooves off the table and smiled bashfully.

Rarity nodded her head in acknowledgement of Twilight's momentary faux pas, but did not comment on it. Twilight coughed, and soldiered on. "Essentially, I'm going to play their own game against them. I'm going to come up with the most absurd headline in the history of Equestrian press, and frame it as the biggest story ever reported on." That got one raised eyebrow from Rarity. She was interested. "Then I'm going to start it in a small town paper and bill it as an 'exclusive' interview with me, even though I'm not going to say a single thing that could possibly be of consequence. In fact, I'm going to make every possible effort to make the entire thing as utterly nonsensical as possible." That got two eyebrows. Rarity was now intrigued. "That way, every single paper and reporter will think I'm trying to cover up the story somehow, and they'll all be mad to copy it for themselves. Hopefully, none of them will stop to realize how insane the whole thing is until it's too late." She grinned brightly, clapping her hooves together. "If I'm lucky, it'll be such a massive scandal against the papers that they'll be forced to leave me alone for a while!"

The fashionista leaned back in her chair and pressed her hooves together. "It's got verve and style, I'll give you that much darling." Rarity carefully drawled, focusing unerringly on Twilight. "But it's going to take one devil of an article to distract the paparazzi away from you, dear. It took them almost five years to stop harping on poor Princess Cadenza when she ascended to her position." Rarity tossed her mane, and Twilight grimaced as her continued ignorance about public life in Equestria continued to be exposed. "Still, not a bad notion at all." She blinked. "Wait a moment. You're certainly not going to say that..."

"Yes, Rarity. I'd like Sweetie Belle to reopen the Foal Free Press and conduct my interview." She beamed at her, and Sweetie Belle squeaked in such surprise that she tumbled off of her chair still holding onto her pastry. "They've already got a reputation as a rather scandalous little rumor rag, so it won't be hard to turn on all of these bottom feeders to the story." She clopped her hooves cheerfully upon the table, unable to keep from smiling at her own brilliance.

Sweetie had managed to climb back up atop her chair, pastry still held aloft by foalish telekinesis and looked a little nervous. "Th' last time we did that we got in trouble, though..." She dry-washed her hooves, pasty seemingly forgotten as it hung in midair like a little sugar bomb waiting to hit the ground and give her cleaning staff yet more conniption fits.

Twilight had anticipated that reaction, and grinned. "True, but that just makes it all the more likely you'll be listened to. Besides, we're not going to keep it open permanently. Once all of those other news agencies either buy or steal the story from you, we can rebury the bloody thing." Which would be a good thing as far as she was concerned. That little newspaper had caused so many problems...

Sweetie perked up instantly at that. "Wait. Bought the story? Like, I'd get paid for writing it?" Sweetie might not be in her teenaged years yet, but like all foals she had wants and desires which her allowance could not always stretch to contain. No few of those desires likely centered around her Crusader friends, and Twilight knew she was all but bankrolling their latest escapades. Whatever. Her friends would forgive her... eventually.

Twilight nodded, still grinning. "I'll even throw a little sweetener in the pot too, just in case they all try to steal it from you." She cocked her head at Rarity, and noticed her tolerant amusement. "What do you think? Am I insane, or might this work?"

Rarity just shook her head. "Darling, I have no idea. But we've tried rather more elaborate plans in the past, so why not?" She shrugged, then grinned brightly. "If nothing else, it might be rather fun to try and give the press a taste of its own medicine."

~~~~~~~~~

It was almost suspiciously easy to get everything set up. The old printing presses were dragged out of the Ponyville school storage locker and a typewriter was salvaged and enchanted so it would do all the typing for Sweetie. Ink and paper were easily acquired and stacked to the ceiling of the room she'd appropriated for the task. Sweetie Belle sat opposite of her wearing a jaunty reporters cap with a big paper card stuck into the brim, the word 'PRESS' upon it in bold block lettering that Twilight had always wondered about. Was that just to make it easier to read? Why didn't anypony use a more visually appealing font? There were so many printed fonts to use that could be easily read and still look less like a rent statement.

All around her, a room full of similar but different hats sitting atop the heads of a small army of stuffed dolls. Even Mr. Smarty Pants was present in the front row, wearing the press badge for The Equestrian Times. Where Sweetie had gotten all of those hats, Twilight didn't know.

Still, whatever. She had bigger cucumbers to fry right now and no time for such stuff and bother. "Right!" Sweetie Belle squeaked happily . Twilight sometimes seriously wondered if that girl was ever going to get over her vocal tics, or if she was going to grow up like Twist seemed destined to do. "So, you want nonsense, right? Well have I got a treat for you." Sweetie grinned around her typewriter, holding up a sheaf of paper covered in terrible hoofwriting. "Scootaloo went around to all the other fillies and colts and got all sorts of questions we could ask you! She wanted a byline and a cut of the action for it, but I figure that was a small price to pay."

Questions. From every filly and colt in town. Had this not been her plan all along, Twilight might've recoiled in abject horror at the thought of what an entire town full of children might try to ask her. But... This would be perfect. "Fire away, Sweetie." She proclaimed, and leaned back to wait for the storm.

Sweetie pushed the little gem on the enchanted typewriter to start it up, and grinned. "First question: Is Celestia your real mom? And if not, do you wish she was your real mom?"

Twilight might've facehoofed at that, but... Ooo, that would be rather amusing. "Actually, I've got two mothers. Twilight Velvet had me as a filly, but Princess Celestia is the one who helped me become reborn into an Alicorn. I love both my mom's, but it does make Mothers Day kind of confusing."

Sweetie giggled, "Okay, so what's your favorite kind of snack?"

Twilight grinned. "I enjoy eating the homework of naughty little foals who try to cheat, and hay fries seasoned with the tears of the unworthy." She giggled at that one too. Now they were getting into a rhythm. Then... "Can't have the Foal Free Press get all the attention, Sweetie. Let's have another from the audience."

Sweetie's eyes sparkled, and she rushed to the back of the room and put on a gruff tone of voice. "Princess, Princess! Joe Schmoe from the Manehatten Herald!"

Twilight nodded solemnly to him. "Go ahead!"

Sweetie grinned from behind the big teddy bear with a derby. "Why does the sun rise in the morning, but not in the evening?"

Twilight gave a pondering look, before answering. "Well, I think the Princess likes to enjoy her cake in the dark."

Sweetie rushed across the room again, stopping behind a big bunny figure wearing a bowler. "Carrot Soup from Vanhoover Press! What's the hardest part about being a Princess in Ponyville?"

Twilight gave off a pfft sound. "The complete lack of quality pickled beets and lime marmalade." She nodded to another side of the room. "Yes, you, with the funny hat."

Sweetie nearly fell over giggling at that one, but she ducked behind Mr. Smarty Pants and put on a high pitched, happy voice. "What's your favorite thing to do for fun?"

Twilight giggled a little at that one. "Easy. Destroying world-threatening horrors with love and tolerance and, should that not work, with giant energy beam battles." She nodded again to another of the stuffies, this one a cute duck. "You sir, the one from Trottingham."

"Trottingham Dealer, yer majesty!" Sweetie snarked in a very Pipsqueak voice. "How do you butter your bread in the morning?"

"With Apple Family Apple Butter, of course! Available at your local Barnyard Bargains and all other fine retailers." She winked cheekily at the crowd. "I get mine straight from the source, of course."

Sweetie took a breath, then grinned brightly, running over to a turtle plushie that looked a lot like Tank. "Cloudsdale Gazette, Princess! What's your opinion on required bedtimes?"

Twilight smirked. "I believe all fillies and colts ought to be allowed to stay up as late as they want to, provided they're either reading a book or learning something new." She beamed. "All other foals must obey a bedtime. So decreed Twilight Sparkle." She nodded to a Rainbow Dash plush in the back. "Yes, you with the funny looking mane!"

Sweetie piped up again, "Cloudsdale Courier, better than those stinkos at the Gazette! Inquiring minds wish to know: What’s the deal with pears?"

Twilight had to wonder who'd asked that, but she liked her answer even more. "They're a strange fruit shaped like an Apple with a neck. Their true purpose is sinister." She pointed again. "You, from the Equestrian Inquirer!"

Sweetie was putting on quite the show of voices today. "Can you swim, Princess Twilight?" She asked in a very Big Macintosh style voice.

"Yes," Twilight began... then grinned. "But doing so turns me into a Seapony and I can only do it when nopony else is looking." She nods, unable to take the grin off of her face. “Shoo be doo.” This was fun! "Anypony else?"

Sweetie Belle waved her hoof. "Foal Free Press, Twilight! Which one is better, breakfast or lunch?”

Twilight slapped her hoof against the table, getting into the mood of it. “Breakfast, because no other meal of the day lets you have what would be a dessert in any other meal as your main course.”

Sweetie giggled, then ducked behind a stuffed Daring Do. “What do you think about not letting pegasus fillies not fly until they’re thirteen?”

Twilight fluffed out her wings and intoned ponderously, “To them I would say, ‘You can’t take the sky from me.’.” Yeah, that’d confuse them alright. Where was she getting all this from? She wasn’t normally given to whimsy.

Sweetie chuckled brightly and tossed her mane. “Right, lets wrap this up. Just a couple more.” She examined the paper ream by the typewriter, then grinned at her. “Ooo, I like this one. Princess, do you think of Spike as your son?”

Twilight felt her cheeks color a bit at that. “Yes, and he really ought to stop reading so many comic books and get to bed on time instead of talking about the Power Ponies for hours on end.” She rolled her eyes. “Seriously, that boy ain’t right.”

Sweetie nodded at that one. Maybe she had heard him ranting about them herself at some point. “Last one. Let’s go out with a bang.” She giggled softly. “What’s the best part about living in Ponyville?”

Twilight paused, then smiled faintly. “As everypony knows, all Princesses are crazy. Which means I fit right in here with the rest of the crazy ponies.”

~~~~~~~~

“So what do we title this bloody thing?”

Rarity’s snarky comment was sadly quite on the nose. Interesting and hilarious or not, the interview would be useless if she didn’t have a good headline to grab the audience with. She glanced at all the titles on the newspapers on her table… and then couldn’t help but chuckle.

“How about ‘Twilight Sparkle Verbs Article Nouns.’ ?”