The lofty winds and soothing rays of summertime blessed the spires and cobblestone roads of Canterlot, and gave a nice disposition to those who felt them. Naturally, the best place to enjoy such fine weather was deep in the dim, temperature-regulated interior of ones home. In the case of the city’s royalty, it was being done in a very gaudy, swank-ass castle.
In the deepest, dimmest, most temperature-regulated corner of Canterlot Castle, the Ruler of the Night whiled away the hours of picturesque noontime doing what she did best: gaming. Gaming like a friggin’ pro, yo.
For Luna, it was her most relaxing and invigorating time of day. When she wasn’t needed for trifling matters like the night courts, random diplomatic meetings and raising the moon, she followed the same, calming down-time routine: stare at a big glowing screen, fiddle furiously at a controller and stuff her immaculate face with junk food of the puffy variety. Though she was much slimmer than her older sister, days of unhealthy snacks and sitting around had been steadily adding a more pudgy aspect to her. But like all things that had nothing to do with her precious hobby, it fell completely from her sphere of concern once she was in the zone… unless someone decided to bring it up to her face. Which was often :3
On that day, Luna was sporting her usual orange headset and mashing away at her latest online match in Ultra Street Fighter IV, her teeth gritted against the intensity of her most worthy foe: fillicheese416. Already two rounds in and the fate of the match was on the line.
“Grr, come on! Get out of that corner, you sissy noob!” the lunar princess shouted as she desperately tried to coax her opponent from a crouching position. “Fight me like a stallion or a mare or whichever you are! Your Princess demands it!” Unfortunately, a misstep on her part led to a Shoryuken to the face. “AAAAH bull plop, you cheap coward!”
Luna continued making exaggerated grunts and curses, oblivious to room’s door opening and the new source of light that filled a corner of her gaming den. With the seconds and her own health bar ticking away, she also didn’t pay mind to the dopey gray pegasus that trotted right in, nor the bubbly mare’s perky greeting.
“Heeeey, Luna! Guess what I got!”
“GAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” The shout, followed by the crunch of game controller shattering on wall, practically muted the game announcer as well as smothered whatever warmth the new arrival brought in. “Dammit! Now I have to get another controller!”
These kinds of outbursts weren’t uncommon, Derpy knew, but they could be quite inconvenient if she wasn’t warned ahead of time. Then again, the game had only been out for a week, so she could be faulted for lacking foresight. As to the alicorn seething on her resplendent beanbag chair, she made a low growl through gritted teeth for two seconds before realizing she wasn’t alone. Flicking her mood switch, she looked to the pegasus with the appropriate amount of embarrassment.
“Oh, hello Derpy,” she greeted her fellow gaming partner-in-crime and obvious-but-never-fully-realized love interest. “I hope I didn’t startle you?”
A silly shake of the head and a smile from the pegasus. “Nope. Must’ve been a really good match that time.”
“Yeah, at first. Then he-she-it decides to play keep-away and run out the clock.” The coal-black princess reclined into the depression of her equally coal-black bean bag chair with a sigh. “It’s so disappointing when they cheapen out like that.”
A sympathetic frown. “I’m sorry to hear that, Luna.” Quickly replaced by a beaming smile. “But we got something in the mail that might cheer you up!”
Ah, yes, how swell this lap of luxury: having a cheery if simplistic lady friend picking up your mail with only your joy in mind in doing so. Every gamer’s fantasy; am I right, guys? Anyway, Luna’s response:
“Oh? What is it?”
“A package!” Derpy reached behind her and pulled out a small brown package from seemingly nowhere with her mouth. “Did chu orer any gamffs?” Realizing too late her garbleness, Derpy placed the package on the ground before her. Miraculously, Luna understood every word.
“No, I haven’t. Not that I recall.” With a glow of her horn, Luna wrapped the package in her own magical wrapping and brought it up to her curious gaze. “Does it say where it’s from?”
“Just says ‘A Fan’. Everything else is postage-approved labeling.”
Indeed that was the case, Luna noted as she looked over the package. Fairly neat hoofwriting for the address, with “A Fan” written where the return address was supposed to be. Done with her initial inspection, Luna swiftly tore off a side of the package and shook out its contents. Something even smaller and oval-shaped fell out, and was quickly taken up by Luna’s magic while the box was unceremoniously dumped. The object in her grasp was mostly white, with a gray metal spoke sticking out one end and some words written out in black marker.
“It’s a flash drive,” she noted aloud, then reading the words on it with a raised brow, “‘I Wanna Be The Guy’?”
“Hey, there’s a note in here.” Derpy laid out said note on the floor and did her own reading. “‘A fitting challenge for a gamer of your skill. Not for the faint of heart, but that should mean nothing to you’. Huh, I wonder what that means?”
“Perhaps another fan donation, though I’ve never had one sent in flash drive form. And I haven’t heard of this game before, either. Seems fishy…”
“You should plug it in!” By golly, you have to love her lackadaisical demeanor for all the joy it brings, but even for something like that, Luna could only give her a look of most resolute skepticism.
“Derpy, this could very well hold some kind of virus or computer-hacking software for all we know. Really, we can’t just be reckless with with these kinds of things.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.” That downtrodden face and those mismatched eyes of shame. Luna bit her lip at the puppy-kickification she had unintentionally delivered.
“But, for the sake of curiosity and free gaming, I could load this on one of my old laptops and see what happens.”
“Yay!”
Boosted by her friend’s renewed enthusiasm, Luna took a moment to yank a dusty laptop from her used hardware pile, which was situated precariously by the energy drink fridge. The laptop had only been disused for no more than three months, and with a quick blowing of the screen and a quick magical charge to the battery, it was back online… as in turned on, not actually online. These kinds of tests have to be on a contained platform. Simple common courtesy, y’know.
With the laptop running and in place, Luna brought forth the specimen.
“Alright, here goes.” Derpy clapped her hooves as Luna maneuvered the flash drive into the closest USB port, and after a few seconds and beepings, she was able to pull up its folder. No odd behavior or warning signs thus far, so Luna proceeded to open the folder and view its contents. Simple fare: an executable file icon in the shape of an apple (or was it a cherry?), and a readme file. Luna clicked on the readme, all while Derpy looked on with grinning anticipation.
“Seems to be gameplay instructions,” Luna reported to her ward. “Control scheme, game mechanics. Simple enough. So far everything seems to be okay.”
“Awesome! Let’s see what it is already!”
“Okay then, here we go.”
A double click on the game icon, and the game booted up with a blast of shrill, rocking beeps of ye olden chiptunes to the eardrums. Approval was instantaneous.
“Ooh! Mega Mare 2 music!” Derpy hopped, face brimming with joy. Luna nodded more restrained, reading the story being presented beneath a vaguely familiar landscape. After learning the intentions of an ambitious 15 year old and his quest for greatness, the screen scrolled up from the humble township, following along a grand skyscraper, passing a red-eyed ape, and finally stopping at the top and the title screen proper at the digital ditty’s crescendo.
“It’s just like Mega Mare 2! Cool!”
“This seems to be a tribute game. Huh, how very nice,” Luna commented in honest surprise. She took note that instead of the usual Blue Bomber, there was a small colt with a smiling face, wearing a blue shirt and cape and holding a gun in one forehoof. Having lingered on the nostalgic tunes long enough, Luna pressed the Shift key with her magic and proceeded to select the save slot and difficulty, with Derpy looking on with rapt attention.
“Hmm, it’s preset to Hard, and Medium seems to be the lowest. Which should I go with, Derpy?”
“Well, I’d go with Medium, but you’re a better gamer than me so maybe Hard is better for you.” Derpy finished with her tongue sticking out. Dohhh~
“Eh, I would probably want to finish this game quick. I’ll go with Medium for this time.”
“Okay!”
And thus they were presented with the very first screen of the game: ugly brown corridors, plain industrial-themed background, and smiling sprite guy bobbing beneath the red and yellow Save box.
“Hey, he’s wearing a pink bow now,” Derpy pointed out.
“Hmph. Guess that’s the price of going with the lowest difficulty,” Luna said flatly.
“Oh. Ohhhhhh! That’s clever, heehee.”
“Right, now we play.”
It was simple enough controls: the usual 2D directions for movement, a jump, and a shot button that popped out a single bullet from the miniscule handgun in the colt’s hoof. Shooting the Save box made it go green for a few seconds before turning back to red. Progress preserved.
“Guess I better head down,” Luna said as she directed her little avatar to the far right of the uppermost floor. Dropping through the opening at the far end, a metal shutter slid shut overhead, followed by the harsh grind of a wall of spikes that shot in from the left end of the corridor. It made contact with the sprite, and immediately he exploded into a shower of pixelated blood and gore to Luna and Derpy’s shock. That was followed up by a harsh metal riff and bold white words filling the screen that read: “Game Over: Press ‘R’ to Try Again”
“Wow, that was a bit of overkill,” Luna remarked after getting over her shock.
“That really spooked me,” Derpy added. “Umm, maybe you don’t go that way?”
Luna shook her head. “No. I think I noticed something.” With a quick press of R, the game reset to the kid standing beneath the Save box. Luna proceeded back down the corridor and through the hole in the floor, but this time hugging the wall on the right. Sure enough, the spike wall came screaming in, but it stopped just a spot from the Kid’s position, leaving him unharmed.
“Ha! Knew there was a trick to this trap,” Luna boasted.
“Good one, Luna!” Derpy cheered, as the spike wall on screen started to pull back.
“Right, further downward!” Luna moved in the direction of the defeated spike wall, and soon enough she came upon another hole in the ground. She dropped in and hugged the wall, and once more a metal shutter slid over with another spike wall wailing in. This one stopped shortly before Luna as well, and she repeated the pattern of following and dropping through a gap. Except the spike wall on the third level came from the right instead of the left, splattering the Kid in the process. Both mares’ mouths were agape as the Game Over screen and music came on, and after a second Luna broke their mutual silence.
“...Oookay, maybe I don’t go down this way just yet.” She pressed R and began to assess her new predicament.
“Hey, what about that hole up there?” The princess’s gaze followed the gray hoof’s direction, and right there for all to see was, indeed, a gap in the ceiling right by the Save box.
“Huh. Alright, let’s go there.” Luna tapped the jump button, but it wasn’t quite high enough for the Kid. On the second attempt, she gave the Shift key a double tap and voila: extra height!
“Ah, double jump. Very nice.”
What greeted her above were blue cloudy skies, green grass, and a long row of red fruit trees to the right. Hanging in the air were a number of grass-topped platforms that led to a ledge on the far left.
“There we are, something a little more straightforward. Onwards and upwards, then.”
Derpy bobbed her head in approval as Luna resumed her trek rightward. The Kid reached the first tree, but upon passing the trunk, a lone fruit dropped and collided with his noggin, resulting in another blood eruption and heavy metal riff.
“Ahh! Really now,” the princess huffed.
“Those things are hardcore,” Derpy said in a more positive tone. Luna just huffed in response.
“Okay, we’ll try again.”
And try again Luna did. With the latest peril in mind, Luna carefully navigated the Kid back under the tree, but in a split second backed away, letting the malevolent fruit fall harmlessly offscreen.
“Too simple,” the mistress of the night gloated. “I have you pegged now.”
She proceeded forward, cautiously, and was rewarded by triggering another deadly fruit trap. This tactic of baiting the meddlesome fruit continued the rest of the way over to the right, although one of the fruits didn’t quite go the way it should have.
“Hey, that one went straight up.”
“Yes, Derpy, I noticed.” Yeah, so did I. Sheesh. Anyway, Luna soon reached her destination at the far end of the field, and made ready to head upward. “And up we go!”
A double jump into the air, only to be met by a screaming upward fruit punch that made a very messy aerial display of death and dismay. Luna’s eyes and mouth went wide at this latest demise, but immediately turned her energy to gritting her teeth and slamming down a hoof. Hard.
“What was that!? Apples shouldn’t fall upwards like that!”
“They’re more like giant cherries…”
“WHATEVER! I’m not going to be bested by some gravity-defying fruit! Here we go!”
A hard thump of the R button and Luna was raring to go. She charged forward (cautiously) back through the deadly orchard, and once back at the lowest platform she leapt up, only to back off in time to let the fruit zip on up. Not wasting a breath, Luna got up on the platform and began hopping leftward, stopping to trigger the remaining fruits waiting to launch up to end her. In seconds she made it past the ordeal and landed by the exit, stopping beneath the Save box that was labeled “Wuss”.
“Oh ha ha, real cute,” she said scathingly as she shot her next point of progression. The next screen over featured some friendly clouds… hanging over a wide pit of large pointy spikes. “Heh, I see you’re not playing around now, game.”
Suddenly, something occurred to Derpy. “Ooh! Luna, it just occurred to me: I got to meet up with the weather team in Ponyville. Gonna be a big storm down tonight, and Dash warned me not to miss another briefing so…”
“Huh? Oh yeah, fine. You go; I’ll just play this a bit longer.”
“Okie dokie,” Derpy beamed before turning away. “I’ll be back later. Kick that game’s butt!” And with that the happy pegasus left, and Luna had back her ideal gaming element: utter solitude.
“I shall not disappoint. Okay game, you have my attention.” Steeling herself, the alicorn hopped over to the first cloud. Meeting with solidity upon landing, Luna hopped over to the next cloud, only for it to begin dropping. She quickly leapt to the next cloud over, only that one rose up toward an overhang of spikes. A fast juke to the right brought her off the cloud and falling to the spikes below, but a double jump brought her to the cloud on the lower left side of the screen, which mercifully rose up to the spot next to the platform holding the next save point.
“Ha! First try!” She leapt up onto the platform, only for a thick plate of spikes to fall screaming down, flattening her into chunky salsa and slamming another Game Over in her face. For a moment she was silent. And then the princess, renowned for her wisdom and unwavering stoicism, lost her shit.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”
Now, you’d normally think this would be the end of it: that Luna had reached her limit, smashed her laptop all across the room and proceeded to rage and swear obscenities at the whole of creation like any normal person under these taxing circumstances. However, Luna was not just any ordinary Moon Goddess and Ruler of Equestria. She was a hardcore gamer, true and true. And like any proper non-casual, she calmed herself after that hearty yell and resumed playing. It was only the third screen of the game; like hell she was gonna call quits over a few devious crummy traps!
But for everyone’s benefit, we’ll not be seeing the entirety of Luna’s run into obsessive madness. Instead, we’ll just see some of the highlights of her journey… to become THE GUY!
3 minutes later…
“Wait, what was the point of that thing? Where do I go?” she asked to the great sky-filled room that assured her it was the safest room in the whole game. “Do I seriously have to kill myself to get out? What’s the point of this?”
43 seconds later…
“Sticky Keys? Huh, never considered that being a problem. I’ll just disable it aaaaaand back to gaming.”
5 minutes later…
“Okay, let’s try this again.” A leap between the spikes, land on sinking platform, fail to perform double jump in time, get smashed into bloody pulp. “Stupid airplane!!”
14 minutes later…
“Alright, that boss was kinda fun. Now what’s next?” In the next screen, a red bobble. “Oh ho, an item? And hey, more fanfare music. Seems things are finally looking up.” With a smile she leapt off the platform, and seconds later the Kid burst into flames. Later still, a fruit shot up to smash her. “BUCK! I forgot to save! GRRAAAAAH!!”
3 minutes later…
“Moon! As your master, I demand you stop crushing me this instance!” Sadly, the celestial body proceeded to crush her anyway, much to her vast lament. “NOOOOO! Why do you betray me, like everyone else I’ve ever loooooooved!!”
1 minute later…
“Okay, that’s a pretty good one,” she said after having jumped into the retro sword. Never was a smart idea to begin with, eh?
3 minutes later…
“‘Multimedia Fusion 2 has encountered a problem and needs to close’? Oh, just great: I have a buggy copy. How charitable of you, ‘A Fan’.”
8 minutes later…
“Come on come on come on come on YES! HUZZAH!! Finally out of that death hall!” Luna triumphantly guided the Kid up away from the corridor of rising/lowering spikes, but suddenly a meddling hawk flew from out of nowhere and began bumping all up in her grill. “What—no stop doing that wait wai—NOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOOOOH!!!!”
27 minutes later…
“Time to claim my prize.” In the giant egg missile factory, Luna hopped over to the next platform, only for the floor to give out and drop her into a bloody abyss. “Dammit! Should’ve known!”
11 minutes later…
“Agh, what? Ryu!? You’ve come back for more; I don’t believe this!”
10 minutes later…
“Dear Sister of Mine, actual voice acting! Huh, though this seems to be a straight rip from Castlemania, but still, nice surprise there.” A sound of shattering glass and exploding Kid, followed by Game Over. “What? You can die in cutscenes in this game as well?” With a raise of her hooves and head she shouted to the heavens, “Q-T-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!”
5 minutes later…
“I swear if this game crashes again I’ll set something on fire.”
37 minutes later…
“Why is there a Dr. Mareio pill in Trottris? That makes no sense!”
7 minutes later…
“Go go go go run run run—BUUUUCK these bucking flying apples and bucking spike wall buck buck BUCK!”
12 minutes later…
“Atomic Pile Driver? Okay, I’ll give them that one.”
6 minutes later…
“Stupid Bucking Quick Mare lasers!”
17 minutes later…
“Buck!” The sound of some unfortunate lamp getting smashed against a distant wall. “Of course I would jump headlong into the very last bowling ball, again. Why is it even there; shouldn’t it go away after he’s dead? It’s just pointless frustration, LIKE THIS GAME!”
24 minutes later…
“SPAGHETTIOOOOOOOOOS!”
13 minutes later…
“CHEEP-CHEEEEEEEEEEPS!”
2 minutes later…
“BUCKING MULTIMEDIA FUSION RAAAAAAAAH!!”
10 minutes later…
“Ha! A mere labyrinth? You’re finally slipping, game. My victory is close at hoof!”
43 minutes later…
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!”
15 minutes later…
Whilst Luna played Break-Out against a picture of Sinistar, Derpy had returned at last. The blissful pegasus trotted merrily through the stuffy room, paying no mind to the piles of burnt furniture or the smoke that hung in the air.
“Hiiii Luna! Still playing that game—”
“LEAVE US BE, WORM!”
“EEEEEE NIGHTMARE MOON!!”
The pegasus bolted out from the room yelling to high heaven in fright, and once again alone Luna leveled out her mane and resumed the task at hoof. “Gah! Quit going under me you stupid apple!”
A whole lot more time later…
All was chaos. The Room of The Guy was in ruin, fire ran over nearly every surface, and there were spikes and glass balls flying all around. After many attempts, Luna had finally made her way to the one safe pillar that stood before the last remaining weak point of her ultimate foe. Carefully she hopped up, shooting down the hovering glass balls and steadily reducing the size of The Guy’s one good eye smaller, and smaller, and smaller, until… success.
The ensuing scream of victory overpowered The Guy’s death shout, as the weight and misery of the day blew off Luna like a moldy wool blanket of discontent. After her yell, she watched the screen to see her diligent avatar grab hold of his oversized prize, only to go plunk into a bed of spikes. However, a moment later, the Kid trotted out from the spikes untouched, past his father’s dead head, and held up the Gun of the Guy to the accompaniment of Super Nintendo bliss.
At long last, the credits rolled, and Luna finally relaxed, taking some much needed breaths with a great exhausted smile on her sweat-matted face.
“Yes… I’m The Guy. I’m finally The Guy now!” Tears began to swell in the corners of her eyes as she pumped her hooves up. “There you go, ‘A Fan’: that’s what I think of your challenge! I overcame your cheap traps, absurd jumps and ridiculous bosses! You would think being banished for a thousand years would hamper my abilities, but I’ve come out strong in so very little time. With this, I have cemented myself as a true gamer, unquestionable forever, until the end of time. Nothing could possibly sour this moment.”
The credits had been rolling the entire time she talked and had reached the very end, with the Kid returning to the cheers of his friends and family back in his hometown. With the music reaching the finale, the Kid took a stand triumphantly before the crowd beneath a tree and allowed the moment to wash over him. In the final chirps of the music, a lone fruit slowly fell from the leaves above, and landed gracefully on the Kid, splattering him to bits and killing the mood with that same harsh metal riff of agonizing defeat, and that same inescapable Game Over screen.
Exhaustion filled Luna instantly, then immediately became dismay, which quickly turned to rage. Rage best expressed with bodily shaking and the extending of hooves in the most profane of gestures.
“Well buck you game! Buck you and buck your cheap shots! I beat you; I am The Guy! Mock me all you want you piece of bucking crap because it’s all over you miserable web of sorrow and frustration! I WON, AND NOTHING CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!”
Suddenly the laptop began sparking, and Luna lost her seething bravado at once. “Hey, what is this?” The sparking became more rapid, and in a great flash the screen erupted into a swirling cloud of digital mist that reached out and snared Luna. Before the princess could utter another word she was yanked headlong into the vortex and fell tumbling into the place where many a socially inept and highly-opinionated/bitter individual called home: The Digital Realm.
That’s what you think, princess...