Mystery Night in Ponyville

by Insert Pen Name

Part III: False Witnesses

Twilight Sparkle paced back and forth anxiously within the head office at Pony Express. Rarity, sitting calmly nearby, might have made a remark about wearing a hole in the floor, but a cursory glance thereof made it clear that the floor had already seen much woe in its time, and a well-paced hole would make little difference at this point.

Across the room, Fluttershy sat quietly by herself. Behind the desk sat the burly pegasus Crafty Crates, AKA "Boxy", who seemed more than a tad uneasy about the whole affair.

"I still can't believe Derpy would do a thing like that. I mean yeah, stuff does tend to go haywire when she's around, but not on purpose. You sure it wasn't an accident or something?"

"Positive," said Twilight dryly.

"Well I hope she's innocent for her sake," said Boxy. "She's not built for prison, that one. Y'know, I did time once."

"Really?" asked Rarity with audible intrigue. "Dare I ask what for?"

"Aggravated assault," Boxy said bluntly. "About eight years back. Found my wife in bed with our marriage councilor."

"Oh my," gasped Fluttershy.

"Just so there's no confusion, it was him I beat up, not my wife," added Boxy.

"Good to know," nodded Twilight. "So what happened then?"

"She got the house, and I got six months at RCCF," explained Boxy. "That's Royal Canterlot Correctional Facility. Big place, let me tell you."

"What was it like?" asked Fluttershy.

"Not so bad, actually. The food was alright, and the guards were polite enough. They did clip my wings, though, I was pretty miffed about that for a while..."

"They clipped your wings?!" cried Rarity in alarm. "That's just... monstrous!"

"Yeah. But it has to be done. Can't risk a third of the inmates up and flying away now, can you?" replied Boxy. "Plus, when you think about it, it's either that or spend every waking minute in your cell like a bird in a cage. Me, I prefer my space."

"But still, they took away what made you a pegasus," persisted Rarity.

"Only until my next molt. Besides, us pegasi had it easy," chuckled Boxy. "Unicorns had to go through an anti-magic spell. Twice a day! It was pretty funny watching all those unicorn guys learning to hold a spoon with their hoof like a baby again, heh-heh."

Twilight suddenly felt very self-conscious about her own motor skills.

"The earth-ponies had it the worst, though," added Boxy darkly.

"The earth-ponies? Whatever did they do to them?" asked Rarity, torn between curiosity and anticipated horror.

"Oh they didn't do anything," scoffed Boxy. "But the thing is, RCCF's all stone and concrete and iron; the only thing green in there was the bedsheets. And for an earth-pony... well, let's just say that whole 'Kinship with the Earth' thing cuts both ways..."

Rarity found herself remembering Applejack's stories about living in Manehattan, and pining for the fields, meadows, and orchards of home.

"Anyway, I got off on parole for good behaviour after about four months, and I've never looked back," said Boxy happily. "I'd say it was a positive life experience overall... Oh hey, look who's back."

Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Spike had just trudged through the door, none of them looking particularly pleased with themselves. Twilight did not find that reassuring.

"What happened?" she asked flatly. "Did you catch Derpy?"

"Eeyup," said Applejack. "Gave us a good chase, but we got 'er in the end."

"For, like, two minutes," grumbled Rainbow Dash. "Then her boyfriend showed up."

"Boyfriend?"

"Doctor Whoof," explained Pinkie Pie. "We were in his backyard when we caught her."

"Hardly a coincidence," noted Rarity. "I imagine that's where she felt she'd be safe."

"But were you able to get any information?" asked Twilight.

"Yeah, turns out she's not our pony," said Spike.

"Wait, what?!"

"That's a relief," sighed Boxy. "Last thing I need is for one of my top couriers to get nailed with an assault charge. Anyway, if you girls need anything else, I'll be happy to assist. Now get the feathering buck out of my office!"

A moment later, as the group left the Pony Express office and headed back into town, Spike recounted in detail their brief interrogation of Derpy Hooves.

"I hate to admit it, but her story checks out," sighed Twilight. "Great. Now we're even worse off than before. Everything we thought we knew, the tracks, the window, the package, it's all a bunch of red herring."

"Not everything," piped up Pinkie Pie. "What do we have left in your notes, Spike?"

"Uh, let's see," muttered Spike as he flipped through more than a few pages on his notepad. "We still have the 'murder' weapon. And we have Raven's story; she was away from her desk for only a few minutes, and heard the sounds of a struggle right as she came back. She didn't see anypony in the office, and she didn't see anypony enter or leave."

"So we're back to that little puzzle," grumbled Applejack.

"Rainbow Dash theorised that the attacker may have hid behind the curtains, then made a break for it when Raven left to find help," continued Spike.

"That seems sound enough," considered Rarity. "But the notion that somepony just happened to walk in while Raven was in the next room seems a tad... far-fetched. A pity Raven was the only witness on the scene..."

"Um, actually-" began Fluttershy.

"But of course!" exclaimed Rarity. "How could we not have seen it sooner?"

"Uh, come again, Rare?" asked Applejack.

"Think about it, girls," said Rarity excitedly. "What if there was no other pony?"

What Rarity no doubt imagined to be a profound query was met with a round of blank stares.

"What?"

Rarity groaned, but her excitement did not abate.

"What if the reason Raven saw nopony enter or leave... was because there was nopony to enter or leave! Just her!"

"Wait, are you saying-?"

"What if Raven is our culprit?" finished Rarity triumphantly. "Don't you see? It would be the perfect crime! No witnesses, no suspicious activity, just a quick bop on the head when her employer wasn't looking. And what better way to throw us off the scent than to be the one to 'find' her after the attack?"

"Um, we could-"

"But why would Raven want to hurt her own boss?" asked Pinkie Pie, as though the idea were utterly foreign to her. "That's almost like hitting your Mom!"

"Now Pinkie, darling, not everypony has as good a relationship with their boss as you do with the Cakes," said Rarity. "Indeed, as Mayor Mare's personal assistant, I'm sure Raven has no shortage of personal reasons to wish her harm. Perhaps a quarrel broke out between them? It would certainly explain the use of an improvised weapon such as the picture frame."

"This is actually starting to make sense," said Dash. "Like, a scary amount of sense."

"I dunno..." said Pinkie Pie, her brow furrowed. "Seems kinda fishy if you ask me..."

"Improbable, yes," sniffed Rarity with a sudden accent. "But not impossible. And as they say, once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the solution."

"That's a load of hooey!" countered Pinkie Pie, adjusting her distinctive crimson hat. "Impossible stuff happens all the time. It's the improbable stuff I got a problem with."

"You know, um, we haven't-"

"Whaddaya' think, Twilight?" asked Applejack. "Ye're bein' awful quiet over there."

Twilight thought deeply for a second, then spoke, slowly and cautiously.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but... Rarity might be on to something. I personally don't think Raven is involved... but it's a possibility we can't ignore. And in any case, we should try and confirm her testimony. Too bad she's our only witness."

"No she's not!" said Fluttershy, so suddenly that even she herself was taken aback. "I mean, there is still somepony else we haven't talked to yet."

"There is? Who?"

"The Mayor."

Realisation struck Twilight like a sack of bricks, with a healthy dose of mortar mixed in for good measure.

"Of course!" she said, smacking herself on the brow. "How could we have forgot? Surely the Mayor must have seen or heard something about her attack!"

"Now why didn't we ask her before?" asked Applejack.

"She wasn't exactly in a fit mood to answer questions last night," replied Rarity.

"Do you think she's alright now?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"Even if she isn't, it'd still be a good idea to check up on her," said Twilight. "And the doctors might have some more information for us."

"Like how sloshed she was last night," suggested Applejack, remembering the liquor bottle they had found.

"It's settled then. Let's go check on the Mayor."

Then had not gone two steps when Pinkie Pie suddenly shouted:

"WAIT A SECOND! We need to stop by my place first."

About a half-hour later, the intrepid investigators were drawing fresh stares at the Ponyville General Hospital. Nurses, patients, and orderlies alike watched in confusion as they passed, both at their costumes and the massive multicoloured cluster of balloons dragging across the ceiling above them.

"Did you have to bring so many, Pinkie?" asked Dash in a harsh whisper.

"Uh-huh. How would you like it if you were hurt, and I showed up with a substandard amount of 'Get Well' balloons?"

"Where did you even get so many?" asked Rarity. "You were only inside for all of thirty seconds."

"I have my ways..." said Pinkie wistfully, while Dash simply fixed Rarity with a look that curtly said "Don't ask."

It was not hard to find the Mayor's ward. Through the halls there came and went a steady stream of toadies, cronies, supplicants, and yes-ponies. If nothing else, it proved that Mayor Mare was certainly not lonely. Upon arriving at her room, Twilight and the rest were pleased to see the Mayor sitting cheerfully up in bed, albeit with her crown wrapped in gauze, enjoying a lively interview with a certain neon-maned local disk-jockey with a radio crew at her back.

"Well, that's about it for our interview," said Vinyl Scratch into the microphone. "Is there anything you'd like to say to all our awesome listeners before we sign off, Mayor Mare?"

"Oh, nothing much. I just want to thank all my good constituents for their concern and appreciation, both now and when I seek re-election this coming spring."

"Powerful words from a powerful mare," said Scratch in a serious tone that any regular listener of hers would realise was not serious in the slightest. "Anyway, that's all for now. I'm DJ Pon-3, broadcasting to you live on Ponyville 800 EKLW! Peace out!"

Scratch and her radio crew quickly filed out of the room with their equipment in tow, leaving the Mayor alone with her would-be mystery mares.

"Ah, Princess Twilight Sparkle," the Mayor greeted her with a bow. "How are you, your highness?"

"I'm... fine, actually, thanks for asking."

"That's good. Raven informs me that you and the rest of the former Element-Bearers are investigating this attempt on my life. I take it you're here to tell me you've found the culprit?"

"Former Element-Bearers?" repeated Dash in indignation.

"Actually, we don't really even have a suspect," interjected Twilight. "Sorry."

For a fraction of a second, the Mayor's hopeful expression seemed to shift to something more... relaxed.

"I see," she said calmly. "That's unfortunate."

"But we do have some leads," Twilight continued. "Right now, we were hoping we could get your testimony."

"My... testimony?" asked the Mayor with visible unease.

"Anything you can remember about last night," explained Twilight. "Anything you can tell us would be a great help to us."

"Yes, well, the thing is..." Mayor Mare began hastily before composing herself. "I've tried to remember but... I honestly really can't."

"Seriously?" groaned Rainbow Dash. "Nothing at all?!"

"It's the funniest thing, isn't it?" the Mayor laughed nervously. "Must be the concussion."

"Must be," muttered Applejack with narrowed eyes.

"In any event, thank-you so much for investigating this horrid matter, Princess," the Mayor said with a long bow. "And I hope I can continue to count on your support and goodwill this coming spring. Now if you'll excuse me, I must be getting some rest."

Twilight momentarily considered pulling rank on the Mayor, but quickly thought better of it. Sensing that further conversation would avail them little, she instead led them back out into the hall.

"Well that was a waste of time," grumbled Rainbow Dash. "And who's she calling 'former Element-Bearers'?"

"Well, we did give up the Elements, after all," noted Fluttershy.

"And then we got 'em back! Sort of, I dunno... Point is, I didn't save the world half-a-dozen times just to get talked down to just because I don't have my pretty necklace anymore."

"She weren't talkin' down to ye, Rainbow," said Applejack. "But she was acting mighty suspicious."

"Do you really believe what she said?" asked Fluttershy.

"We'll soon find out," said Twilight. "Let's see what Nurse Redheart has to say..."

The nurse in question happened to be standing just a short distance down the hall, surveying a clipboard, but she quickly snapped to attention as the crew of clue-seekers approached.

"Nurse Redheart," Twilight began amicably. "You helped tend to Mayor Mare after she was brought in?"

"Myself and Doctor Stable, yes," Redheart answered tersely.

"We were hoping to ask you some questions," continued Twilight.

"Well, normally my Hippocampic Oath forbids me from divulging patient information," explained Redheart. "But then again, things are never normal when you ponies are involved, no offence meant."

"None taken."

"So what do you wish to know?"

"Describe the Mayor's injuries, please," inquired Twilight.

"Superficial. The blow broke the scalp, and I'm sure it hurt like mad, but aside from the swelling, she's in perfect health."

"No concussion?" asked Twilight in surprise.

"Heavens, no, thankfully. However, her blood alcohol level was through the roof. It seems she'd been drinking heavily last night, though she insists she only had a glass of wine with dinner."

"We found a bottle o' Berryshine in her office," offered Applejack.

"That would do it," nodded Redheart grimly. "Can't stand that stuff myself, but it does wonders on my grout."

"So the Mayor was only drunk last night instead of seriously hurt," Twilight concluded with grim amusement. "One more thing; do injuries of this sort normally result in, say, amnesia?"

Nurse Redheart tilted her head quizzically, but quickly caught her meaning.

"Not normally, no. Though it would certainly be convenient, I imagine."

"Well, the Mayor's a big fat liar," said Dash bluntly as they left the snowy hospital grounds.

"No surprise there," muttered Applejack.

"But why would she lie to us?" asked Fluttershy. "Doesn't she want us to find out who did this to her?"

"Do you suppose she's trying to protect somepony?" suggested Rarity.

"Yeah. Herself," Applejack snorted. "I may not know much about politics, but the way I see it, if somepony gives ya a whack on the head, ya probably did or said somethin' to deserve it."

"And whatever she did or said, she doesn't want anypony finding out about it," Fluttershy realised aloud.

"Exactly. So long as the attacker's at large, Mayor Mare can keep on playin' the victim. But for us to catch 'em now would be like airin' her dirty laundry out in the Town Square."

"And with a spring election coming up," noted Spike. "So the question is, what did she do or say?"

"She was intoxicated last night," Rarity pointed out. "Yes, that would fit very nicely with my theory. A drunken quarrel with her own personal assistant would be quite the scandal."

"Sounds good to me," said Twilight. "And if the Mayor does have a dirty secret, Town Hall is a good place to start looking. Let's move out!"

They arrived at Town Hall to find it apparently deserted, its regulars no doubt tied up with the Mayor at the hospital. Locating Raven proved to be no great effort. In fact, it was no effort at all, by virtue of the fact that she happened to emerge from a nearby door at the exact same moment that they entered the Hall. Accompanying her was a tall grey earth-stallion with pale blue hair and a scroll cutie-mark.

"Raven!" Twilight shouted across the room, causing both ponies to jump like startled rabbits.

"P-princess Twilight Sparkle," she said, attempting a smile. "How goes your investigation?"

"Oh it's going, alright," interjected Pinkie Pie. "In fact, it's going right now!"

"Huh?"

"We wanted to follow up on some of the things you told us last night," said Rarity with a mean glint in her eye. "Particularly concerning your whereabouts..."

The grey stallion coughed suddenly.

"Sorry, who are you?" asked Twilight.

"Tall Order, at your service, Princess," answered the stallion with a bow. "I run the Town Archives down in the basement," he added, indicating the door through which he and Raven had just come.

"Look, could we maybe discuss this somewhere more private?" suggested Raven nervously.

"You see anypony else around? I don't," said Rainbow Dash.

"I reckon here'll do just fine," added Applejack darkly.

"Last night, you told us the Mayor was attacked while you were out in the other room for 'a minute or two'," Twilight continued. "A minute or two in which somepony happened to come upstairs into the office, hit her over the head with a picture frame of all things, and then escaped the scene before you even knew what was happening? Sounds a little far-fetched, don't you think girls?"

"Eeyup," they each said as one.

"Okay, that was freaky," murmured Dash.

"I don't think you were in the other room when the Mayor was attacked," Twilight went on. "In fact, I think you were right next to her, in her office, with the picture frame!"

"Mister Green cannot disprove the suggestion," declared Pinkie Pie, but everypony else ignored her.

"What?! No, I-I swear it wasn't me!" cried Raven.

"Surely you don't honestly think she committed this atrocity?!" gasped Tall Order.

"She had the opportunity," said Rarity. "And I'm sure she didn't lack for a motive, considering how drunk the Mayor was last night. Yes, you lied about that too, I believe, Raven."

"Please, you have to believe me!" Raven wailed. "I was nowhere near the Mayor when it happened!"

"Oh, is that so?" spat Applejack. "Then just where in tarnation where ya?!"

"She was with me!" yelled Tall Order suddenly. "Raven was downstairs with me in the archive room."

"Well what in the hay were y'all doin' down there that she... oh."

Both Raven and Tall Order suddenly found themselves looking sheepishly at the floor.

"You two are...?"

"Going on four months," said Raven quietly.

"Why so secretive?" asked Rarity.

"The Mayor wouldn't approve," replied Tall Order.

"But more importantly," interjected Pinkie Pie. "You told us you were only in the other room for a minute, when you were really down there for seven!"

"Wait, seven?" asked Twilight, visibly confused.

"You know, like, Seven Minutes in Heaven."

"Oh, right. That was kind of a stretch, Pinkie."

"Meh, can't win 'em all," shrugged Pinkie Pie.

"How long were you down there, then?" asked Fluttershy.

"Um... about... half an hour," answered Raven sheepishly.

"Half an hour?!"

"I don't like to be around Mayor Mare when she starts drinking. But everything else I told you was the honest truth! I was going back upstairs when I heard the noise, and I checked it out straight away."

"Still, it does leave a pretty hefty gap for somepony to walk in, easy as they please," noted Applejack.

"Believe me, nopony is more sorry about that than I am," said Raven. "Though I guess if I wasn't down there, they might've attacked me first before going after the Mayor."

"Perhaps," said Twilight. "Or perhaps you could have prevented the whole thing. In any event, while we're here, you can help us out some more."

"H-how so?" asked Raven.

"By letting us into her office. I think it's time we found out what sort of pony our Mayor actually is..."

Raven opened her mouth as if to protest, but quickly backed down and beckoned for the detectives to follow her upstairs, leaving Tall Order to his duties. Mayor Mare's office was much the same as they had found it last night, aside from the fact that the varying articles of debris had been cleared off the floor and returned to their appointed places. While the six ponies searched for new clues, Spike took it upon himself to interview Raven further.

"So does the Mayor drink a lot?" he asked.

"Not often," replied Raven. "Only when she's under a lot of stress. I've actually joined her on a few occasions..."

Applejack chuckled to herself.

"But like I said, I usually find somewhere else to be."

"She a mean drunk?" asked Spike.

"Not so much 'mean' as... inconsiderate," said Raven cautiously. "A 'selfish' drunk would be a more fitting term."

Spike nodded as he scribbled the words "Selfish Drunk" in the margin of his notes. He soon noticed one other tidbit he had recorded that might yield new fruit.

"You mentioned the Mayor had a caller around 3:30?" he inquired.

"Doctor Whoof, yes," nodded Raven. "He came in to see the Mayor around 3:00."

"What for?"

"I'm not sure. I went downstairs for a coffee soon after he arrived. And then I ran into Tall, so we got to talking..."

A blush crept into Raven's face.

"Anyway, I passed the Doctor as he was leaving when I went back upstairs," she continued. "He actually looked rather gloomy now that I think of it."

"Funny," said Spike. "We actually ran into him earlier today. He wasn't in much of a good mood then either."

"Crashin' through his fence and roughin' up his girlfriend probably had somethin' to do with that," yelled Applejack from across the room.

Meanwhile, Flutterhsy was examining some of the framed photographs on the Mayor's desk. One in particular caught her eye; a colourful shot of three teenaged earth-ponies at a party. The two fillies she recognised easily as none other than the local schoolteacher Cheerilee (her braces glittering by the light of the flash) and Mayor Mare herself (prior to her mane-dying habit, of course). The third pony was a brown blue-eyed colt with outrageous frizzy blonde hair and his foreleg around the future Mayor's shoulder.

"Who's this in the picture?" asked Fluttershy, more out of curiosity than anything else.

Raven stepped over to look at the photograph.

"I don't know," she said finally. "I've never seen this photo before. Although..."

Raven thought for a moment, recalling some past conversation or another.

"Mayor Mare did mention to me about a high school sweetheart she once had. I forget his name, but they drifted apart after graduation. She came here to Ponyville, he went off to university. Physics or something, I think."

"Sounds like she's nostalgic for him," sighed Rarity. "We never forget our first loves."

"You ever even really been in love?" asked Applejack skeptically.

Rarity declined to answer, save with a blush.

The remainder of their search provided little else of note. They did succeed in uncovering the Mayor's liquor stash, as well as her record collection, but these offered little insight into the Mayor's personal life aside from reinforcing a burgeoning notion that she really had not taste whatsoever. When they finally took their leave of Raven and left the Town Hall, the clocks were just beginning to strike twelve.

"Okay," said Twilight over the bell tolls "Any idea on our next move?"

The bell tolls were suddenly accompanied by a deep rumbling in her stomach. A quick glance around showed her friends were of much the same condition.

"Lunch it is. Any suggestions?"

"Oatburgers!" suggested Pinkie Pie.

"Works for me."