“Fluttershy… what the hay is going on?”
The pink-haired pegasus looked over at Twilight, her brow furrowed in confusion. They were trotting down a path that, while not overrun with vegetation, could not be called ‘clear’ in any sense of the word. “What do you mean, Twilight?”
“I mean all of this…” She gestured towards Rainbow Dash, who was happily chatting away with Daring Do, aka A.K. Yearling. They had barely managed to get through the little adventure they’d stumbled into and now Rainbow Dash was happily discussing with her idol all of her greatest moments. Daring, for her part, was bragging about those events as well. Neither pony acted like the other knew the details of said events… and neither cared that they both knew (and no one cared that the last sentence there was clunky!). It was a match made in heaven and would do little to not convince some ponies (like a couple of bakers who were still convinced Applejack and Rarity had a tragically beautiful, beautifully tragic, relationship) that Rainbow… that is… well… has lesbian tendencies (Twilight sucked a similes). Twilight lowered her voice so the rest of her friends couldn’t hear her. “I know for a fact-“
“What?” Fluttershy said, straining slightly. “I can’t hear you.”
Twilight raised her voice so only her OTHER friends couldn’t hear her. “I know for a fact that you are the author of Daring Do, not this A.K. Yearling or whoever she is. I only played along because you slipped me that note, begging me not to reveal your secret. I also know for a fact that Ahuizotl doesn’t really exist. Trust me, I did the research when I was writing my fanfic, ‘The Many Secret Orgins of Ahuizotl’. And don’t get me started on Daring showing us a picture of her friends… including the unicorn who I know is based on me. So, what exactly was all this? What is going on? Who are all these ponies?”
Fluttershy smiled. “Oh. They’re cosplayers.”
Somewhere in the distance thunder ominously cracked.
“Say what now?” Twilight asked.
“Cosplayers.” More thunder rumbled. “You know… ponies that dress up like their favorite characters from books and plays and stuff and then go to conventions.”
“I know what a cos-“ Twilight looked around, pausing for a moment, before continuing, “-players are.” Thunder rumbled and she rolled her eyes. “Stop that!”
“Can’t!” a weatherpony called out. “Mayor Mare hates the sound of the word ‘cosplayers’ and is paying us a ton of bits to try and get people to stop saying it.”
Twilight looked at the weatherponies, waiting for them to reveal that the statement was a joke. She was sadly disappointed. “I hate living in a silly magical world sometimes,” Twilight muttered before turning back to Fluttershy. “So… everypony we met was a cos… an actor.”
Fluttershy nodded. “Oh yes. They are all quite dedicated to their craft. Gusty worked really hard to get her mane like Daring Do’s and Angel Bunny makes a wonderful Ahuizotl, wouldn’t you say?”
“…that makes so much sense it’s scary,” Twilight muttered. “So… you went to all this trouble just to keep Rainbow Dash from discovering your secret? Isn’t that a bit excessive-“
Rainbow Dash pointed at Daring Do. “I found a bunch of mistakes in your last story and I’d like to explain them all to you right now! And if you react badly I will spam you, noob!”
“No… no it isn’t,” Fluttershy said.
“You keep using ‘your’ when it should be ‘you’re’!” Rainbow shouted. “Use spellcheck, motherbucker! What, are you so lazy that you can’t proof read these stories? Why not get a beta reader, you-”
The God Squad: Equestria’s Most Wanted
Episode 26: WOLVES! Part 1
Cadence groaned, rubbing her forehead. It felt like she’d let a rhino tap dance on her skull but she knew that couldn’t be the case; she’d allowed one to do that once in college but had sworn off ever letting it happen again. The rhino had been upset but understood, accepting that everyone experimented in college. They’d parted ways and were friends on Ponybook but they’d never done that with each other ever again.
The princess of the Crystal Empire… which wasn’t really an Empire but a single city surrounded by a frozen wasteland… smacked her dry lips together, wishing she had some water or, better yet, chapstick. She knew that licking them would only make things worse and if it was one thing she hated, it was chapped lips. That and the fact that every beach was a ‘nude’ beach for ponies and thus made it so that the ‘nude’ part wasn’t that special at all. Her eyes felt like they were caked with donut glaze and every time she moved her jaw it clicked in a way she knew it shouldn’t. Cadence would have assumed she were hungover but even if she hadn’t ever experienced the feeling (she had a high tolerance) she’d walked in on Celestia after a bender to know what a hangover was like (It did not, of course, involve wacky hijinx and a friend being locked on the roof of a casino).
Cadence managed to pull her eyelids apart and looked up in confusion at the leaves rustling over her head. Unless Shining Armor had decided to redecorate there weren’t any trees in their bedroom…
The pink alicorn rolled her eyes. Of course she wasn’t in her bedroom… they’d left the Empire the day before last, journeying to Canterlot in order to see how the repairs were going. Discord’s little ‘black evil vines of evil’, as Twilight’s friend Rainbow Dash had called them, had done a number on sections of Equestria and the Crystal Empire and the Mareatine were doing their part to help. The Empire had sent their special living crystals, which could rapidly grow into homes, to serve as temporary houses while the Mareatine was bringing in fresh food (many of which were delicacies) to the poorer families so they wouldn’t starve. Cadence and Shining had known that Tydal and Merida had stayed in Canterlot for the last month to oversee the arrival and had even brought Coral, Misty, Giggles, and a century of capricorns soldiers to take over for the royal guard, so that Celestia’s forces could focus on repairing the different cities that had suffered. The Empire had thought that a great idea, only to substitute soldiers for artists and performers so that Equestrians would have something else to focus on. A play or a band did wonders for the soul.
But that still didn’t explain why she was in a forest by herself when she knew she’d last been in Canterlot.
Cadence took several deep breaths, mentally reviewing what she knew. For some reason she was lying out in the middle of some forest instead of her nice bed, her husband curling up next to her. Her head ached, her limbs felt like they had been broken and reset wrong, and every breath made her tummy hurt. Rocking back and forth, Cadence managed to flip herself off her back and, shakily, rose up on her hooves.
"What the..."
Cadence stared at the grass that surrounded her. Instead of it being the normal emerald green that she would have expected the pink princess saw that much of the small clearing she'd awoken in was soaked in a viscous red liquid that clung to everything it touched. She tilted her head, bringing one foreleg up to touch a crushed and goopy flower, only for her leg to twitch when she saw that it too was covered in the sticky fluid. Her horn glowed and she magically summoned a mirror so she could get a good look at herself.
Her reflection was doused in the fluid.
"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"MOVE!" Shining Armor screamed as he pushed his way through a crowd of ponies that had gathered on the sidewalk outside Sacred Heart Hospital in Canterlot. His breath was coming out in short gasps and his hooves struck the pavement hard enough to almost create sparks as he forced his way through the mob that had gathered to watch and gossip. Word had quickly spread about Princess Cadence suddenly teleporting into the main lobby of Sacred Heart, covered in blood and near hysterical, and now it seemed every pony in Equestria was staking out the hospital in hopes of seeing one of their princesses in utter distress.
"It's Captain Armor!" Shining burst through the crowd only to find himself facing the next barrier to getting to his wife: reporters. They rushed up to him, shoving their microphones and tape recorders in his face, forcing him to rear back, startled.
"Captain Armor, Lotus Lane of the Daily Planet! Is it true that the Crystal Empire will be forcing your wife to abdicate the throne, as this is her third mental breakdown?"
"J. Jabber Jamerpony, Daily Bugle! What do you say to the rumors that this is all Spider-Mare's fault? And get me pictures of Spider-Mare! Spider-Mare is to blame! Spider-Mare!"
"Rum Burgundy here... are you staying classy, Shining Armor?"
"Captain, Mica Northwest, NPR. Would you like to tell a long boring story about a bridge while speaking in a low, almost breathy voice?"
"ENOUGH!"
Shining shut his eyes and said a small prayer of thanks as Tydal stomped his way through the crowd, flanked by Celestia and Luna. The reporters considered for a moment pressing them but Tydal merely glared at them and suddenly the newsponies found the ground more interesting than Shining Armor. The king of the capricorns growled, lips pulled back to reveal his shark-like teeth.
"I suggest you back away and allow Captain Armor to see to his wife," Luna said calmly. "Or would you prefer to find out the answer to 'What is black and white and red all over?' I'll give you a hint... it involves your blood."
Princess Celestia stared down at her little ponies and all of them cringed. When the alicorn of the sun used that look they all felt like they were foals again, caught scribbling on the walls with a crayon. "I must say, I am deeply ashamed by how you have all acted. Instead of showing care and sympathy for Captain Armor and his wife, who are BOTH sovereigns of an allied nation, you chose to hound him?" She gestured to the writer from 'Great Dane Monthly', who was trying to hold onto the leashes of three of his dogs. "In some of your cases literally."
"It's not my fault, your highness... for some reason they are associating the captain with a yummy treat."
"...stupid Shining Snacks," Shining Armor grumbled.
"Now, unless any of you would like an intimate look inside the ER..." Tydal threw his head back and let out a savage roar that sent every pony fleeing. "Hurumpf! Peasants."
"Thank you, all of you," Shining said as he led them into the main lobby.
"Think nothing of it, Shining," Celestia said. "You are family."
"Yes!" Luna said happily. "You are my dear Twilight Moonie's adopted brother!"
Celestia rolled her eyes. "...I was actually thinking more along the lines of him being married to our niece-"
"Sister," Tydal reminded them.
"Whatever, brother... father..." Celestia's brow screwed up. "We have a very confusing family tree."
"Excuse me," Shining said, trotting up to a chocolate-colored mare that was manning the desk.
"I wonder if she is the sassy nurse," Luna whispered.
“What makes you think that?”
“Heavy set… Earth pony… curly mane…”
“Luna!” Celestia complained. “Don’t be like that! Stereotypes are horrible things and when we-“
“Excuse me,” Shining said again.
The nurse looked at him, her eyes half shut. “Honey, can’t you see I am filling out paperwork. Now, you give me a minute and I MIGHT consider helping you, oookay? Okay.” She shook her head. “White stallions, demanding me to stop my paperwork to help them. Child, I swear he be crazy. Mmmmmhmmm!”
“Wow,” Celestia said.
“Called it!” Luna declared with glee. “Miss Sassy Nurse, when you have time could I ask you for advice when it comes to my personal problems. Television has taught me that mares like you give out good advice.”
“What is a ‘television’?” Tydal asked.
“It’s the thing that resulted in us all having jobs,” Wall Breaker said as he walked past them, a bouquet of flowers on his back. “I’m here to see my grandma, Ball Breaker?”
“Third floor, second room, sugar beat,” Sassy Nurse said. Wall Breaker nodded and happily trotted away. The nurse finally set her paperwork down and looked over at Shining. “Now, what can I do for you?”
“I’m here to see my wife, Princess Cadence? She was admitted-“
“Son, what in the name of our magical sun goddess-“
“Celestia, my name is Celestia.”
“-are you doing down here when that poor mare is up there needing some company?”
Shining looked her, confused. “But… you…”
“Nuh uh, don’t go blaming me for any of this. Ain’t my fault your priorities are screwed up. You get a move on, boy, and go beg your woman for forgiveness. Maybe go buy her a steak dinner and a nice coat. 5th floor, 3rd room on the right.” Sassy Nurse shook her head. “I swear, young stallions these days. Good for me Mr. Nurse knows how to treat a woman, mmmmhmmm!”
“Come along, Captain Armor,” Tydal said, pushing the stammering stallion towards the stairs. “Let’s leave the stereotypical nurse to her paperwork.”
‘You know, as I saw Lord Tydal push Captain Armor towards the stares, I thought-‘
“Stop thought narrating!” Luna shouted. “Its annoying and stupid!”
‘But how are you supposed to have a hospital without thought narrations and sexual tension between the doctors?’
“I don’t know and I don’t care, just stop it!” Luna snapped.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Cadence?" Shining said, knocking on the door of his wife's hospital suite. "You up?"
"Of course I am, are you?"
"...yes, of course I am. How would I-" Celestia leaned towards him and whispered quickly. "Oh... OH! Cadence, I told you to stop asking about that in public."
"Sorry sweetie," Cadence said as her family entered the room. Her eyes drifted to the bouquet Luna was holding. "Oh, what lovely flowers!"
"Thank you," Luna said. "They will look lovely in my room back at the castle." When the others stared at her the mare blinked in confusion. "What?"
"We thought you were bringing those for Cadence," Celestia said.
"Why?"
"Because... nevermind."
Tydal looked down at the pink alicorn. "Cadence, why did the doctors strap you to that bed?"
"Oh, they didn't!" Cadence said pleasantly, pulling on the restraints. "I just like being restrained while lying on a bed. Feels kinda unnatural for me not to be."
"Of course it does," Luna said dryly."How are you feeling?"
"Much better. Needless to say it was all quite a shock."
Celestia moved to stand with Tydal on the other side of the bed, giving Shining room to stand next to his wife and stroke her mane. "Have you talked to the Doctor yet?"
"Not yet," Cadence stated. "But he should be here any moment... thank you for getting him for me, I hear he is the best."
"Of course I am," an ornery unicorn stallion said as he hobbled into the suite. His coat was a dull gray and his short brown mane was an utter mess; it looked as if he had just rolled out of bed. His eyes had heavy bags under them and his coat around his muzzle had a permanent 5 o'clock shadow. Most noticeable was his rear right leg, which had clearly once been gravely injured and never set properly, causing him to limp about wherever he went. "Unfortunately for me, I did not receive the best when it comes to patients."
"Permission to kill." Tydal asked.
"Denied," Shining said.
"Hello Doctor House," Celestia said as the gray stallion made his way over to them, giving each deity a look that would have curdled milk (and had, in fact, once curdled orange juice, which should be quite impossible). "What can you tell us about my niece?"
"She is a pink airhead obsessed with sex. I can't believe you'd let her be in charge of graham crackers, let alone a whole nation."
"Hey, it is hard to keep all those crackers in line!" Cadence complained.
"Permission to kill." Tydal asked again.
"Denied."
"My sister meant Princess Cadence's condition, Doctor House."
The stallion just gave them a withering look before examining her. "She appears to be fine, other than suffering from some pulled muscles, a mild case of dehydration, and the fact that she is a moronic bimbo."
"Permission to kill."
"Denied!" Shining snapped. "Doctor, I was told that when they found my wife she was covered in... well..."
"Red sticky fluid!" Cadence exclaimed. "It was horrible! If I am going to be covered in sticky fluid I don't want to be the one roffied when it happens."
"You weren't roffied, you twit," Doctor House grunted.
"Permission not to kill?"
"De... nice try."
"Damn."
"What you were covered in wasn't blood," Doctor House stated, consulting her chart. "If you had any sense in that head of yours-"
"Listen to my skull rattle when I shake my head!" Cadence said happily, twitching back and forth.
"-you'd know that what you were covered in was Gummy Bear Juice."
"...what... the... (censored)," Tydal said.
"Oh, well that is good news!" Celestia stated.
"Good news?!?" Tydal roared. "Good news? What is wrong with you ponies?!? You two-" he pointed at Celestia and Luna, "-get kidnapped by a bloody tree and now Cadence has a fainting spell because some candy fluid got on her coat!?" He threw his head back and roared in frustration. "Creampuffs! I'm surrounded by bloody cream puffs!"
"Oooooo, can I have some?" Cadence asked happily.
Tydal's right eye twitched before he stormed out, growling about 'stupid princess ponies' the entire time.
Celstia sighed. "Please ignore him, Doctor House. He’s a capricorn-"
"That billy goat might be my new best friend," Doctor House said, a hint of emotion (other than distain) coloring his words.
"Ooooookay, I suggest we leave now." Luna leaned down and kissed Cadence's brow. "We'll visit you tomorrow, ok?"
"Bring me some snacks, ok?"
"We'll stop by the local sex shop and get you those edible panties you like," Celestia said.
"Get well, my love," Shining said, sharing a kiss with his wife.
"Gag me," Doctor House said as he joined the rest of the ponies in leaving the room.
Cadence smiled, happily reaching over to remove the stopper on her morphine drip. "Aaaaaaahhhh." Cadence slunk back against the bed, enjoying her medically induced bliss. The clock's hands continued their normal path and by the time Cadence awoke from her chemical-caused sleep night had fallen on Equestria.
Looking up at the sky, Cadence smiled as she spotted Luna's moon hanging high in the sky. She stared at it, feeling a wonderful peace (not as wonderful as the morphine but close enough) flood her body. She ignored the beep of the heart monitor or the straps cutting into her legs or the pain as her bones began to reform and her limbs twisted... she just kept staring even as her teeth sharpened into canines and her coat grew into a shaggy pelt. The moon was just so bright and brilliant and as she burst out of her restraints and pressed her paws against her shredded mattress she couldn't resist the urge to just-
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"