//------------------------------// // 12. Melancholy // Story: Dash of Humanity 2: A New Dawn // by Kaidan //------------------------------// I laid down on the sofa and looked up at the ceiling. There were redwood shelves full of books on the wall and a lush brown carpet. The sofa was soft enough that I sank a few inches. Doctor Stable took a seat on a recliner and levitated a pen and notepad. He’d been briefed by the Princesses and was supposed to help me cope with all the recent changes. “How are you doing today, Dawn?” “Fine.” I could think of a dozen places I’d rather be but most of them were pieces of furniture in my house where I could nap. “It’s been a week since I saw you, after you and Twilight returned from Zecora. How has it been?” “The same as always. I sit around wondering why I’m alive, what my purpose is in life, and how everypony is just going to leave me.” He adjusted his glasses and leaned forward in his chair. “Why do you say that? Have you not been able to find Rainbow Dash yet to apologize?” I shifted my wings and rolled my head over to look at him. “It’s like she has a sixth sense for avoiding ponies. I gave up after the second day. None of them are stopping by anymore. Every time they stopped by they were just so cheerful it annoyed me.” “Wanting to withdraw when hurt is a normal, but you shouldn’t keep out ponies who want to help forever. You’ll need to talk to Dash eventually, even if you think she doesn’t want to.” “I just don’t see what good it’d do now. Whether I’m spending a week causing trouble or a week skimming books wistfully in my house, nothing changes. I’m not making any difference here, I’m a useless pony…” Doctor Stable took a few notes and thought a moment before replying. “So what is it that makes you happy? What do you enjoy doing?” My neck was starting to kink from looking at him so I rolled over onto my side and spread my wings out behind me. “I don’t know. I used to be a nurse and figured helping people was a good job, something I could be proud of. Everything is different here, I don’t want to go through all the schooling to learn all the differences in anatomy. Reading books just gets boring, and I get tired of going out and being around other ponies.” “Everypony needs something that gives their life meaning, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe you just aren’t ready to admit it to yourself yet, but I think the fact you’re this upset after hurting your friends is because they’re the ones you’ve found meaning in. Perhaps they’re the first ponies you’ve ever really opened up to. Were you ever this close to people on Earth?” I shook my head. “It’s different there, people aren’t ever that close really. I’d grab drinks with coworkers from time to time, but with the internet you don’t have to leave the house to chat with someone.” “And now you can’t avoid interacting with other ponies. To do anything here you have to be able to leave the house and talk to them, and you seemed to be doing fine before your outburst at the Iron Pony competition. What changed? Why are you avoiding your problems now?” “Now? Did I ever really face them? I avoid my problems because I don’t have the energy to face them. Trying to use sarcasm and wit to keep ponies at hoof’s length didn’t work so well. I got stuck pushing not just the strangers away, but my best friends.” Doctor Stable levitated a glass of water over to the table for me, and then took a sip of his own. “Have you been exercising then, or just staying indoors?” “Thanks.” I took a drink of my water. “Just staying inside. I want to go do stuff, I just never do it.” “Are you too tired?” “Nah, just I can’t seem to focus on it now, all I can think about are mistakes I’ve made or things I’ve lost. I believe you that exercise would help me feel better but I just can’t be bothered to go out and do it.” “As much as I want to help, nopony can force you to live a healthy lifestyle. I can give you advice, but I can’t strengthen your social skills for you. A lot of this change has to come from within, when you decide you’re tired of living this way.” “That’s the problem with medicine, Doc.” I took a few gulps of my water. “There are limits to what you can do, and in the end it all comes down to me. At the same time, I just don’t have the willpower to do anything about it. So, here I am. Here I’ll be next week when nothing changes, then a week after that.” “You can’t let that cycle of negative reinforcement continue. You feel a little down so you don’t exercise and you shut ponies out. Then you feel bad that you’re all alone and feeling so tired all the time. Maybe you eat a little junk food, but in the end it doesn’t change anything, and you withdraw further.” “Well unless you’ve got a spell for that, I guess I’m just stuck here until it fixes itself then. But what about after that? I’ve got no job, no talent, I’ve barely got any friends and the life I knew for nearly thirty-years on Earth is gone, leaving me here as a month-old stallion in a new world.” “You can only take these things one step at a time.” He flipped to another page in his notepad. “For now, let’s tackle the small things. Have you heard any more voices this week?” “No.” “Any dreams with the other ponies in them?” “Not really, all but one of them seems to be keeping their distance.” “Oh? And which one is that?” I shrug. “Never got a name, Doc. She’s just as lazy as me, I’ll dream about taking a nap or something boring back on Earth, and she’s there laying on my couch. Never talks and I never bothered to try and wake her.” “Alright, so have you heard back from Zecora yet? Alchemy has produced some amazing results in fields where our magic has met its limits.” “Just a letter, that she’s made great strides in understanding the workings of poison joke. She’s also started brewing fertility and gender changing potions like the zebras in her homeland do. Zecora never really saw the need to study that field of alchemy until I showed up.” “Okay and there’s one more question I have to ask.” “Why? You in a hurry to get me out of here?” He sighed. “You’ve got as much time as you need, Dawn. Now, have you had any thoughts of hurting yourself or others?” I laughed and shook my head. “Still no to that one. Unless I can kill myself on Equestria and wake up on Earth we’re in no danger of that happening.” “You shouldn’t take it so lightly, a lot of ponies care about you, even if you’re shutting them all out.” “If they really wanted to, they could come check on me.” He flipped to another page of his notepad to review some notes. “It says here you got tired of Pinkie bringing you cupcakes to cheer you up and closed every door and window into the house” “That’s different, she’s Pinkie.” “And when she found a way in through the attic you picked her up and threw her out the front door?” I put my hooves up. “Hey, threw is a strong word. I just helped her out.” He went back to the empty page of his notepad and jotted something down. “And would you have thrown her out a week ago? Wasn’t she the one who helped you meet Lyra?” “Yeah she was, so I guess not.” “You can’t have it both ways. You want everypony to leave you alone and let you do your own thing, but at the same time you’re seeking approval from them. If you could just help me figure out what changed, why you’re having this social anxiety now and not a week ago.” I groaned and rolled onto my back to stare at the ceiling once again. “What changed? You mean aside from making one of my best friends stop talking to me and realizing I’ve got nothing of worth in my life and am not contributing to this wonderful little utopia you ponies have built up here? Well, I suppose I did start using a new mane conditioner.” He raised an eyebrow and stared at me, as if waiting for an apology I was in no mood to give him. “I’m here to help you, Dawn. You may think things can’t go back to normal or you won’t be able to find a place here but that’s just not true. Do you think sulking is going to make Rainbow Dash feel any better? You’re not just avoiding your problem you’re trying to avoid living your life out of paranoia that things can only get worse.” “I’m a realist, so far, things have only gotten worse. I’d be a fool to bet against the odds that I’ll just wind up ostracized for being the freak human.” “I think for this week you just need to hunker down and think about what you want for your life. Think about what gives it meaning, what you want to do with it. I know it isn’t easy but it’s really only for you to decide. It’s not uncommon for ponies to have doubts and uncertainty. Just because I got a stethoscope on my flank didn’t make eight years of medical school any easier.” I gazed down at my own flank, where my blank check on life was. I could really start over as anything I wanted to do if only I had the will to do it. However, I just couldn’t be bothered right now. “Yeah, I’ll think about it.” I rolled off the couch and stood up, stretching my wings for the flight home. “Six next Friday sound good?” Doctor Stable stood up in preparation to shake my hoof. “Yeah, sure. Thanks, Doc.” I shook his hoof and turned to leave. Once I was through the door of his office I was back in the linoleum halls of the hospital. Redwood was replaced by white paint and green highlights. Carpets were gone in lieu of easily sterilized tiles. I managed to make it out of the hospital without running into anypony who would stop me and try to make small talk. In a way, the incident with Pinkie had pretty much insured none of the ponies in town bothered me. While I appreciated being left alone, it was true it made me feel painfully alone. Not to mention, Pinkie had probably taken my rejection of her efforts to cheer me up pretty hard. Once outside I looked up at the cloudhouse that had been on my mind so often. I could fly up there to check on Dash, and find out just how bad it really was. Maybe she wasn’t actually angry at me, and she was just avoiding the issue like I was. I thought I saw something in one of the windows but decided not to bother, as she’d be long gone by the time I got there anyway. Instead I flew towards Fluttershy’s cottage. Since she worked at home it was a sure bet she’d be there to chat. Despite all the mistakes I’d made, she’d never lost faith in me. Her friend, the manticore, was still camping outside her house. It had taken up residence in one of the branches above the second floor. I was fairly bored and figured if I was going to be dragged out of my house to exercise and socialize, maybe it could be with Fluttershy to go find this disturbance in the Everfree. Once I landed at the front door and knocked, it only took a minute for Fluttershy to appear. “Oh, Dawn… is everything okay?” I nodded. “Yeah, I’m just getting out of the house for a change. You, uh… haven’t heard from Dash, have you?” Fluttershy frowned. “No… I mean, I saw her but she didn’t do more than greet me. She’s been taking as many extra shifts as she can, helping weather teams as far as Canterlot.” “Hmm, well I thought we could go out with your manticore pal to find out what’s upsetting the animals in the Everfree.” “I don’t know if it is safe with just the two of us.” “We’ll have a manticore with us, plus I could totally go for snapping something in two right now if it attacks us.” Fluttershy chewed her lip as she seemed to think about it for a minute. “Well, I do want to see you out of the house more, and we haven’t gotten to spend much time together. Okay, give me a minute to get ready.” I nodded and went to a small bridge over a creek that ran past her house to sit down and relax. From here I could see the several green hills dotted around her cottage and the many small animals that lived under them. They were running around without a care in the world, safe from predators and having only to worry about their next meal. Fluttershy took the time to fly up and talk to the manticore before our trip. Once she was sure he was ready, they flew down to the bridge to get me. “He’ll show us where it is at, but then we’re coming back. If it’s something we’ll need help to fix I don’t want to get hurt trying to be a hero.” “Sounds good to me.” I got up and walked up to the manticore. “Hey, who's a good manticore?” I tried to pet behind his ear, but he turned and growled at me. “Sorry, I have that effect on animals.” As I backed up, Fluttershy stepped forward between us. “Now, that wasn’t very nice. Dawn just wanted to say hi.” I chuckled until I noticed Fluttershy giving me a stern look. We walked towards the forest which seemed to be darker than should be possible for the late afternoon. The foliage was thick enough that I didn’t see any light coming through the leaves. There were so many bushes that I couldn’t see any tree roots, and there were just a few narrow paths from where Fluttershy or her animals had gone into the forest. “It’s always darkest before the dawn,” I muttered. “Hmm?” Fluttershy looked over at me as we stepped across the boundary into the forest. “Oh just a saying, this forest is so dark but that just means it’ll be that much brighter if we fix whatever is wrong with it.” “Oh.” She turned her attention back to the path in front of us and the manticore guiding us deeper into the forest. Whether she realized it or not, she kept getting closer to my side as we walked, until I couldn’t take a step without feeling her rub against my side. “Nervous?” “Um, a little. I usually don’t go this far in without my friends.” I put a wing over her back to try and calm her down. If she freaked out, I’d lose the only pony who could convince a potential predator to not eat me. “Hey, I’m your friend. We’ll be fine, just a quick look and then I can say I did something useful this week.” “Oh, but you’re always useful. I haven’t gotten to make a new friend in a while and I was so happy when you agreed to move into Ponyville. I was nearly as happy as Dash—” Fluttershy gulped and turned her head to hide behind her mane as I looked at her. “S-sorry…” “Hey, it’s no big deal.” “So you’re feeling better?” “Yep,” I lied. I looked at the thorny bushes that were closing in on the narrow path. Nopony had been this far in for a long time if the trail had overgrown. The air even felt a bit heavier and more humid. “Oh, I’m glad to hear that,” Fluttershy said. The guilt ate at me as I lied to her. “I mean, I’ve spent most of the week in bed or looking for a book to read. I feel awful because I messed everything up and I have no purpose in life.” Fluttershy carefully stepped into the thick brush and looked back at me. “Sometimes I’d wonder what good it was to take care of animals when other ponies were saving lives or harvesting food. If a rabbit is sick or healthy nopony notices, unless it’s a filly’s pet.” I stepped into the thick brush and heard twigs snapping. My head shot forward and I saw it was just the manticore trying to clear us out a bit of a path. “Yeah? So what’d you do?” “I realized not to compare my purpose in life to other ponies. What I do is important to me, and to each animal I help, and that’s enough. You just need to take time to realize how you’re affecting each pony around you. Even if you don’t have a job or talent, you’ve already made life better for everypony in town.” “Thanks.” I smiled and followed her into a clearing ahead, and felt my fur tingling. The manticore was growling in agitation and Fluttershy wouldn’t take more than one step into the clearing. I stepped further into the clearing. “Dawn…” “What? We’re here and I’m going to look around.” “Be careful, we don’t know what’s in here.” Fluttershy’s wings were clenched tightly against her side, a clear sign of how nervous she was. “I can see right across the clearing, there’s nothing—” I felt my face hit something cold like water, but my momentum carried me straight through the invisible barrier. My whole body shivered as it passed inside and I found myself looking at the opening to a cave. It was dark inside, yet I could see a faint shimmering within. “On second thought, I think she’s right.” After taking a few steps backwards I felt the barrier once again, though it resisted a bit more as I tried to leave. Finally I pushed my way out of the barrier and fell onto my rump in the clearing. “Dawn!” I felt Fluttershy grab me and drag me back, then hug me tightly. “I’m fine—” She could hug tight as a vice grip when she wanted to. “Easy.” “You vanished! I thought for sure something awful had happened.” Fluttershy let go, and turned her attention to finding the manticore, who had decided to flee the clearing. “There’s some kind of spell and a cave. You’re right, we’ll need Twilight and your friends to look into this.” I stood up and looked around. Aside from some broken branches signalling the direction we entered the clearing from we could have easily gotten lost. “Can you get us back to town?” “Yeah, this way.” I pointed between two trees. “How can you tell?” I pointed at the broken branches, and a scratch on one of the trees from the manticore’s claws. “Can you not see the signs?” “Oh.” Fluttershy blushed a bit. “Well now that you point it out, I can.” “Hmm, sorry. I thought it was more obvious.” I took a couple steps into the brush to make sure. “Yeah, there’s even some prints from his feet.” “I didn’t know you had such keen eyesight.” Fluttershy walked into the brush alongside me, then we continued down the narrow path. “Thanks, I guess I never really bothered to find out. We should get back to town soon, and I think we can go find Twilight in the morning. I’ll be able to lead us back here, and I doubt anypony but Twilight will be able to track down Dash. We’ll need all the help we can get before we go in that cave. Something felt so… wrong with it.” We made the rest of the walk back to Ponyville in silence, both glancing around to ensure nothing snuck up on us. Luckily there didn’t seem to be any predators around and for once I seemed to have made it a day with nothing crazy happening. With a little luck, I’d get some sleep and think of a way to apologize to Dash, and get some normalcy in my life.