Pony Fortress 2

by Bahamut Omega


Expiration Date

The repurposed and magically expanded interior of the caravan was silent as the ponies and dragon within relaxed after a successful job. Well, all except Big Macintosh, who was pulling the caravan.

Twilight was distracted from cleaning her gun by a ringing sound. In a bit of excitement, she moved over to the video screen and pushed the flashing button under it, bringing up a monochrome feed of a unicorn stallion. "H-Hi Facet," she greeted with a tiny blush.

"Hello, Twilight," Facet said. "I see you completed your mission. And no one saw you?"

Twilight was about to answer when Spike shoved next to her. "Hi Facet! We killed everyone and got Princess Luna's classified intelligence back!"

"Not everyone, Spike," Facet said. "You left seven witnesses." He paused to shoot a groaning pony with a magically silenced pistol. "Six. Now just keep that briefcase safe until I come by to get it to deliver to Princess Luna. Have a good weekend." As Facet spoke, the caravan was pulled into the team's hidden safehouse.

"Hey Facet," Twilight said as the others started leaving the caravan. "Before you go..."

"Yeah?" Facet asked as he started piling up corpses.

"Well, uh..." Twilight blushed very darkly. "Are you gonna be busy this weekend?"

"Funny you should mention that," Facet said as he picked up an ax. "I'll be disposing of bodies all weekend so that the lot of you don't get sent to the moon."

"Well, if you finish early, maybe we could... Maybe..." Twilight was cut off by noise on Facet's end.

"Gotta go. Still some able bodied witnesses," Facet said before ending the call.

Twilight sighed and grabbed her rifle before stepping out of the caravan.

"You choke again?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Shut up, Dash," Twilight said.

Dash laughed a bit before going over to Fluttershy and Applejack, ignoring Trixie going through their teleporter to Ponyville. "So what are you two eggheads working on?"

The team's medic and engineer had serious looks. "Listen," Applejack said. "We've been doing some experiments with the teleporter, and ya'll might wanna see this." Pushing a button on her remote, the teleporter in front of her activated and brought up a loaf of bread.

"Wow. You can teleport bread," Dash said in a deadpan voice before Fluttershy broke it open right in front of the scout's face. "Sweet Celestia! What are those things?!" Dash yelled as she jumped back, staring at the green, pulsating pustules in the bread.

"Tumors," Fluttershy said simply.

"Ya'll know what this means, right?" Applejack asked.

"We can't teleport bread anymore!" Pinkie cried in despair.

"Not exactly. You can teleport as much bread as ya want," Applejack said, patting the team's pyromaniac on the back.. "That goes for all of ya. If there's somethin ya always wanted to do before ya die... Now'd be a good time."

"How long before these tumors kill us?" Rarity asked while hugging a shaking Spike.

"Let's see. We all use the teleporter an average of six times per day, times four years..." Fluttershy kept muttering her calculations. "Three days. We all have three days to live."

This revelation's shock was broken by a cheering Trixie coming through the teleporter. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has returned triumphant!" she yelled, her telekinesis laden with several casks of Sweet Apple Acres hard cider. When no one cheered with her, she looked around. "What?"

"We're all dying, Trixie. You included," Twilight said. "Teleporter gave us all cancer and we have three days to live."

Trixie took a moment to process this information before deflating. "Glad I got the booze. If I'm gonna die, I want to do it while drunk off my flank."


70 hours til death


All the team except Applejack and Fluttershy were gathered around the poker table in their rec room.

Twilight brought up a bucket. "This... Is a bucket."

"No..." Pinkie breathed as it was set on the table.

"There's more," Twilight said.

"Dear Celestia!" Pinkie breathed.

"It contains the dying wish of everyone in this room," Twilight said, looking at Dash. "You did collect everyone's dying wish, right?"

"Yeah yeah," Dash said with a grin.

Twilight nodded. "Synchronize your death watches." Once that was done, she continued. "We have seventy hours to live. For most people, no time at all. We are not most people. We are mercenaries. We have the will, and resources to make these hours count! The clock is ticking. Let's get started." She pulled a card out. "Our first dying wish is Rainbow's." Her eyes narrowed. "She's... drawn a picture of me fawning over Facet..." Another card was pulled. "Me having sex with Facet." Another card. "Me crying over Facet rejecting me. Did anyone besides Rainbow put a card in this bucket?!" Dash's laughter was her answer. "Wonderful. This was a waste of time..."

"Wait! You didn't read my wish!" Pinkie said excitedly.

"Does it say you want the bucket?" Twilight asked in a deadpan tone.

"Yes!" Pinkie chirped.

Twilight pushed the bucket to her and watched as the table was vacated. "See you all in Tartarus," she called bitterly.

As Pinkie walked past Applejack and Fluttershy, who had the teleporters and a lot of bread on carts, she saw one loaf fall off. Getting an idea, she grinned wide and grabbed it.


58 hours til death


Twilight was in her shooting range and had just reloaded when a certain cyan pegasus came in.

"Uh... Twi?" Dash said hesitantly.

"Ah, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said before taking a shot. "Please, go fuck yourself."

Dash winced. "Yeah, I guess you're kinda pissed about the bucket thing."

Twilight pinned Dash to the wall with her magic and held the cutting edge of her kukri to Rainbow's throat. "Oh no. I'm not at all angry that you joked about how madly I love Facet, and how I'll never get to be with him because I'm going to die IN LESS THAN 58 HOURS!!!" Her tone had steadily progressed from heavy sarcasm to pissed off screaming. "So if you don't mind. I'd like to be alone with my thoughts and my gun. So get the fuck out!"

Dash gulped. "Listen, Twi! I came to apologize!" The kukri was pulled away slightly. "I'm sorry about that. It was insensitive. And I... I wanna help you out. Well... Me and Rarity."

"Really?" Twilight asked, clearly skeptical.

"Yes indeed, darling," Rarity said as she walked in. "I would be honored to spend my final hours aiding you in having a date with the stallion of your dreams."

Twilight put Rainbow down and smiled. "Thank you. Both of you."


51 hours til death


Twilight stood across from Rarity in the training gym, where a cart with perfumes, wine, and books was pushed toward her by her instructor.

"Seduce me," Rarity said.

"What?" Twilight asked in confusion.

"Seduce me," Rarity instructed again.

"I'm not seducing you," Twilight said.

"Seduce me!" Rarity snapped, making Twilight shrink back a bit.

Twilight took a breath and picked up the books in her telekinesis as she approached Rarity. "So... Do you like books?" A backhoof across the face cut her off.

"I'm not one of your bookworm friends!" Rarity snapped. "I am a stallion! I like my mares sophisticated. Alluring. You want to be my lover?! Earn it! Seduce me!"


Twilight found herself being tutored in the fine arts of seduction by Rarity over the weekend. Slowly but surely she mastered dancing, seduction, and how she carried herself.


2 hours til death


Twilight shaded her face with a hoof as a light was shined on her.

"Final question," Rarity said. "Your date is picking you up at seven. How do you prepare?"

"Start getting ready at 7:00 AM," Twilight began. "Case the venue and run background checks on all the staff. Can the vital ones be trusted? If not, I have to kill them, dispose of the bodies, and replace them with my own agents no later than 4:00 PM. Leaving the remaining three hours to select my best dress, apply make up, and get the amount of perfume just right. Aphrodisiac laced perfume is optional."

Rarity smiled. "You're ready."

"Really?" Twilight asked.

"Yes," Rarity said. "But we have only two hours. Make them count."

"I will!" Twilight vowed, galloping off to prepare for Facet's arrival.


1 hour til death-


Facet whistled a tune to himself as he approached the safehouse door, though was not expecting the sight that greeted him behind the open door. Namely a dolled up Twilight Sparkle. He had to admit, she was very beautiful. And he found himself blushing as he looked her over. Her dress was formfitting and accentuated her curves in a very tasteful manner, she had on minimal amounts of mascara and eye shadow, and she had applied some cherry red lipstick. "Um..." he cleared his throat. "Hello, Twilight."

"Hello, Facet," Twilight greeted as she led him in. "I was thinking that Princess Luna can wait a bit longer for her stuff. I'd like to get to know you better." She led him into a small room that had been converted into a dining area with a table set for two. Spike and Big Macintosh were on a saxophone and piano respectively, providing some smooth jazz. And the room was dimmed for being lit by candlelight. "Over dinner, maybe?" She fluttered her eyelashes at him.

Facet gulped. She had clearly gone to a lot of trouble to set all this up, so he saw little harm in indulging her. "Alright. I guess I have time for dinner."

"Wonderful," Twilight said before pecking him on the cheek.


thirty minutes til death


Applejack readied the teleporter and grabbed some tumor covered bread. "Ya ready?"

"Ready," Fluttershy answered from her end.

Nodding, Applejack sent the loaf through to Fluttershy's end.

Fluttershy was about to pick up the bread when it started moving, and growled with a mouth full of teeth before attacking her and making her scream.


In the central monitoring room, Rarity, Trixie, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie were watching Twilight's dinner with Facet.

"Oh she's doing so marvelously!" Rarity said, wiping away a stray tear. "If only it didn't have to end in tragedy." She jumped as Fluttershy and Applejack burst in.

"Great news! We're not dying!" Applejack exclaimed. "It's only bread that gets tumors!"

"Not even tumors," Fluttershy said as she held a jar. "It's some manner of life form that only forms in a pure wheat environment," she said before shaking the jar and angering the living loaf. "He really hates me."

"So we're fine," Applejack said. "As long as we don't teleport bread."

"Um... I teleported bread," Pinkie said nervously. "You said we could."

"How much?" Applejack asked in a dead serious tone.

"I've done nothing but teleport bread for three days," Pinkie answered before Fluttershy grabbed her after throwing the jar to the floor.

"Where?! Where did you send it?!" Fluttershy demanded.


Twilight glanced at her death watch, seeing that only ten minutes remained. Looking at Facet, who was smiling at her, she began to slowly lean toward him. Inwardly, she jumped for joy as he reciprocated, their eyes slowly closing as their lips came within an inch of each other. A rumbling sound and small quake stopped them from their kiss.

"What was that?" Facet asked before a wall was torn down, revealing a roaring monster loaf of bread with pulsing green pustules coming out of it. "WHAT IS THAT THING?!" he yelled as he jumped up, grabbing a shotgun as the rest of the team burst in, weapons drawn.

"I don't know!" Twilight yelled as she shot it with her rifle, wincing as the bread started beating the crap out of the others, barely affected by their guns. "How are we going to kill it?!"

Facet looked around and saw the huge bomb that Trixie kept for large scale destruction missions. Getting an idea, he pulled Twilight toward it while his telekinesis snatched Spike's death watch from him. "Buy me some time! Macintosh! Hold the blast door!" While Big Mac stood ready with the blast door and the rest shot at the bread to hold it back, Facet jury rigged the watch into a timer for the bomb and shoved it toward the bread. "Come on!" Pulling Twilight toward the door, they were pulled back by the monster bread.

Twilight saw the watch's countdown and quickly realized they wouldn't get out in time. Getting an idea, she shoved it closed with her magic and covered herself and Facet in a barrier before jumping down the bread's gullet. Right as the bomb detonated.

Facet groaned. "You okay, Twilight?" Her answer was to pull him into a deep kiss, which he was happy to return.

Twilight sighed happily as she broke the kiss and hugged Facet. She had at least managed to kiss him. Looking at her watch, she closed her eyes as the final seconds ticked away. "Goodbye," she mumbled before it beeped. And nothing happened. "I'm not dead?"

The bread was torn open by Trixie. "We are not dying! We are going to live forever!" she declared as she helped them out of the beast with her telekinesis.

"I didn't say that! I just said we ain't dying!" Applejack called from across the room as she and the others started clean up.

Twilight smiled at Facet, who smiled back. "So... Second date?"

"Definitely," Facet said, pulling out his schedule to see where he could make time for his new marefriend.