//------------------------------//
// Of Bonding and Spleens 
// Story: Of Vodka and Cider 
// by UglyTurnip 
//------------------------------//

The tension in the library had grown as thick as gooey honey, much worse than what had happened at the party. The draw had surprised both contestants last time, and had caught them off guard. They would make sure that the same thing wouldn't happen again, that was for sure. Nikolai was practically growing like a mad dog at Berry, who bore her teeth. 

"I still predict that the alcohol industry is going to boom from this," Twilight quietly whispered to Pinkie, who only nodded in agreement. Even the optimistic party pony who would normally laugh in the face of danger, quite literally, was shaking from nervousness. The outcome of this contest was anypony's guess.

The two contestants took their second swig, eyeing each other carefully to make sure neither cheated. However, Nikolai, while normally not a serious man, would NEVER cheat in a drinking contest. Of course, he never had to. He had always been the best drinker of his squad, even before the 115 experiments left Nikolai broken as functionless without his vodka.

But Berry was the best among her drinking peers as well, this was a fact known throughout Ponyville. Nikolai found it ironic that he had met his match from a colorful female pony, and not from a burly Russian comrade. No matter, she would lose like the rest of them.

. . .

Takeo fired three Ray Gun blasts at a group of five zombies, causing them all to die before the even got close.

"Nice kills, Tak!" Dempsey complimented, holding a newly-bought Thompson from off the wall that replaced his empty magnum.

"Whatever, ugly American."

Richtofen was holding an STG-44, and aimed specifically for the foreheads of approaching zombies. Every time he would pop one, he would chuckle to himself, as if it was nothing more than a game to him.

Well, technically it was a game. But they weren't supposed to know that.

"It frightens me that you're taking so much pleasure out of this, doc, it really does."

"Says the man who shouts his own name when he kills zombies."

"Shut up, they will learn to fear the Dempsey!"

The fighting continued, with zombies mindlessly charging to the three slayers, only to get shot or blasted by their weapons. After a few minutes of killing the zed, the round finally began to die down. Dempsey reached for his grenade belt and pulled the pin on one of his frags, tossing it at the last three walkers. The explosion blew off the legs of all three, turning them into slow crawlers.

"Oh, look, Dempshey made me some gifts," Richtofen stared at the three little zombies, their glowing yellow eyes still staring emptily as they slowly inched to the doctor. "They're awful!" He punted one of the crawlers out of the window, but left the other two alone.

Dempsey reached into his pocket and pulled out the device. "So, how exactly will this bring him back, doc?"

Richtofen snatched the device out of Tank's hands. "Of course you don't know, stupid American!" He chastised. "This was a project ordered by Hitler himself. He wanted a way to keep track of anyone who lived in Germany's borders. Groph led this project, while I continued my work on the teleporters and Wunderwaffe, and Maxis worked his way into Sophia's heart," Richtofen's expression turned dark and bitter at the last part. "Oh, Maxis, ein fauler sack!"

"So, you can track him somehow?"

Richtofen facepalmed. "Dempshey, why do you have to be so stupid?"

Dempsey was about to counter that, but stopped himself with an irritated grunt.

Richtofen reached into his pocket and pulled out three bags. Each one had a labeling over it.

Dempsey's Hair.

Nikolai's Hair.

Takeo's Hair.

The doctor opened up the middle bag, drew out a chestnut brown lock, and quickly set it on the screen. The sound of a scanner and quick beep was heard.

"According to the machine's calculations, Nikolai Belinski is. . ."
Richtofen stared blankly at the screen, unable to finish his sentence. "Uh. . ."

Dempsey frowned and rolled his eyes. "What's wrong, doc? Your solution to this problem not working?"

"What do you think, Dempshey!?" The doctor screamed with his shrill accent. "It says 'Location Unknown'. Piece of junk!" Richtofen turned and threw the device against the wall, smashing it to bits. "If Groph was here, I'd surgically remove zombie spleens, and force him to eat them!" Richtofen furiously stated. He drew his combat knife, and began to make a sharp incision on a random corpse. Despite Richtofen's impatience and general mental instability, he was surprisingly precise with the cutting. He happily removed the zombie's spleen and put it into a clear plastic bag. "Maybe we'll find him later. . ."

Dempsey held back vomit in his throat. "OK, doc, I always knew you were messed up in the head, but I think you've reached new levels of crazy."

Richtofen smiled at this. "Aw, Dempshey, that's so sweet of you!"

. . .

"I can't believe this happened again," Was the first thing Nikolai heard as he began to slip back into consciousness. "They're going to want another rematch once they hear this."

Despite his splitting headache, and the bags under his eyes from the hangover, Nikolai shot up.

"Ugh, did we tie again?"

Twilight was there, alone. Apparently, she had been talking by herself to vent. Berry Punch's unconscious body lied close by, passed out in a drunken fury.

Twilight eyed Nikolai was a worn-out expression. "You guessed it," she yawned. "Down to the last drop. You two are equally-matched. It's really late, Luna raised the moon hours ago, and you got work tomorrow. So, I don't want to hear a peep out of you. I need sleep, too."

Nikolai sighed. "Alright, alright. Like mother," he grumbled the last part under his breath. Luckily, Twilight either didn't hear it or didn't care enough to respond. She levitated a mattress next to Berry Punch, and two mattresses for Nikolai, since he was much bigger than even a larger pony. She then trotted up the stairs and into her bedroom, giving one last look to the two and shaking her head before quietly shutting the door.

The problem is, Nikolai had just woken up, so falling back asleep was proving to be a real problem. He lied there, thinking random things about his life, at least what he could remember of it.

"I wish fourth wife was here, she was pretty. Pretty and smelly, weird combo," he quietly whispered to himself.

Eventually, he heard the groans of the female pony near him as she began to re-enter consciousness.

"Oh, Celestia, another hangover. And I can't see," she gasped. "Oh no, I've gone blind!"

"Shh," Nikolai warned. "Don't wake up Twilight, or she will be pissed."

"Oh, it's you, hairless monkey."

Nikolai growled something unintelligible, just loud enough for Berry to hear.

"Do you see anything, hairless monkey?"

She heard the sound of Nikolai harshly facepalming himself. "She has the lights off, even I can come up with that conclusion."

Berry rolled her eyes, annoyed by Nikolai's attitude. "Sorry. I've been in bar fights before. I just wanted to make sure."

Nikolai smiled warmly. "Ah, I remember a time when I fought my way through an entire bar with broken vodka bottle. Good times, good times."

"All by yourself?" Berry asked. "Impressive."

"Yep," Nikolai yawned. "They put up a real fight, too."

"I remember the time I snuck into Applejack's barn and stole three crates of her cider in the middle of the night. If it was any small consolation, I did leave enough bits to partially pay for it."

Nikolai managed a quiet laugh. "You partially paid for it. Berry, at least you have some morality," he joked.

Berry smiled. "Well, I can't leave Applejack broke now. Besides, I'm pretty sure she knows that I did it. Nopony else in Ponyville would be brave and foolhardy enough."

"Nikolai once pranked fifth wife into drinking a bottle of 'vodka', it was really piss, but you couldn't tell. Anyway, she spit it out, and said that she would go clean my axe with her neck," Nikolai chuckled, knowing that he had murdered her in reality.

Berry laughed. "You know, Nikolai, I think I misjudged you. You want to go out tomorrow to the bar and get a drink? After work, of course."

Nikolai nodded and smiled, even though she could not see it. "Nikolai would love to," He was happy to know he could at least have a drinking buddy in Equestria.

"OK. I'll meet you in the town square and take you to a good place in town. And yes, they carry vodka," she assured.

"Maybe this place isn't so bad," Nikolai thought out loud. "Good night, Berry Punch."

"Please, call me Berry,"

Nikolai flopped over to the other side. "Yes, good night Berry," Right after finishing his sentence, he looked out the window and gulped at what he saw. Lyra Heartstrings sat, staring in. Due to the darkness, she could not see Nikolai, but knew he was in there.

'Hands,' she mouthed, maintaining some kind of deranged slasher smile.

Nikolai shivered. "So much for sleeping tonight," he whispered very quietly to himself.