Sarge was a man of principle, two principles to be exact. Principle number one: red is the only color that matters; principle number two: the only good blue is a dead blue. Those two principles, those two facts, were the things that drove him to fight against the blue menace, those crafty devils that resided within eyeshot of his base. If you were to ask him why they were fighting or how the war started, he would have no answer, but no amount of logic would keep him from continuing the pointless fight.
Sarge was stationed on the only red outpost in Blood Gulch, a small, circular base planted directly across from an almost identical blue base. Blood Gulch itself can be most accurately described as a “box canyon in the middle of nowhere” with no real strategic value at all. Despite this, Sarge was willing to fight to his last breath to protect his outpost from the blue menace.
Blood Gulch was humid and hot with a sun that never set. The only vegetation that grew there naturally where a few small trees and short grass. Most of the landscape consisted of dirt and rocks.
Sarge was the commanding officer of his unit, proudly wearing the brilliant-red battle armor that signified his allegiance. The closest thing he had to a second in command was Private First-Class Richard Simmons, a maroon-armored soldier with the upmost loyalty (and envy) toward his commanding officer. Far bellow Simmons was Private Dexter Grif. Grif wore orange combat armor, though he always did whatever he could to avoid combat of any kind, not out of cowardice, but out of laziness. The newest recruit to the red team was Private Donut. Donut had an embarrassing name and an even more embarrassing armor color, a light shade of pink that he insisted was simply “lightish red.” Last was Lopez, a robotic assistant designed by Sarge himself, who was unfortunately incapable of speaking English. The red team was certainly interesting.
The blue team that opposed them was equally interesting. Their former commanding officer, Captain Butch Flowers, had died of an unexplained heart attack leaving the team without a true leader. Private Lenard Church had unofficially taken over Captain Flowers’ duties without being officially promoted. Church had light blue armor and a chip on his shoulder. Church had the misfortune of being accompanied by Private Tucker and Private Caboose. Tucker had “borrowed” the teal armor of his former commanding officer. He’s a lover, not a fighter, though the definition of “lover” is completely lost on him. Michael J. Caboose was far more simple minded than anyone else in the canyon. His inability to understand basic information was rivaled only by his substantial ability to make a bad situation even worse.
Sarge stood atop the roof of his beloved outpost. Using his long-range head radio, he called red command to send in a status report.
After tuning to the proper frequency, he spoke in his gruff, southern accent. “Calling red command! Come in red command! This is Blood Gulch outpost number one!”
“Hello? Hello? Can ya hear me? Hello?” a voice responded. It was the voice of a man named Vic. Vic was the only person who ever responded to their calls.
“Yes command, I hear you loud and clear!” Sarge replied.
Vic enthusiastically replied, “Yo! Sergeant Mc’Sargey Sarge! What’s goin’ on man?”
“That’s what I’m calling about. I’m here to give my weekly status report.”
“Roger that, Roger. Just give me a four-one-one on the what-what.”
Sarge paused for a moment to understand the intricacies of Vic’s last statement before responding. “Uh… right,” he said. “Well, the situation here is pretty much the same. Those damn, dirty blues are still stubbornly refusing to surrender to our superior military strategy!”
“What else is up with the blues, man? If ya got any new information about that, you can feel free to tell me, man. I’m your friend.”
“Well… uh… there’s still three of them…”
Vic replied in a dismissive manner. “Alright, alright, cool! Thanks for the update, compadre. Alright, now here’s your new orders, so pay attention, dude. Okay… First off, try to win. Also, try to do better than you are currently doing. Okay, that should cover it. Good luck with those blues! Vic out!”
Before Vic ended the call, he spoke again. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you one last thing. Command’s got a new assignment for you!”
“Is it a top-secret mission?” Sarge asked hopefully.
“Yeah, sure. Whatever you say,” Vic said absently. “Here’s what’s goin’ on: Command is telling me that they’re reading some strange mumbo jumbo coming from one of the caves in the middle of the canyon. As a matter of fact, it’s coming from the only cave in the canyon. That should narrow down your search a little, and make things easier. Okay, I gotta go for real this time. Be sure to report back and tell me what you find. Peace out.”
After a sharp click, the call was ended. Having received his orders, Sarge called his team together. Using his radio, he sent a message to his entire team. “Attention men… and Grif, we have a top secret order from command! I want all of you to get down here on the double!”
Sarge received a radio response from Grif. “Do we really have to get there on the double? Why not the single? Or maybe the half?”
“Negative, dirt-bag!” Sarge replied bitterly.
Before Sarge finished replying to Grif, Simmons had already run to the top of the base. Donut and Lopez followed behind him.
“Ha! I obeyed the sergeant’s orders first!” Simmons gloated.
“It’s not a race, Simmons!” said Donut.
“Yes it is!”
“Where in the hell is Grif?” Sarge demanded.
“Where do you think he is?” Simmons replied. “He’s down in the base, eating all of our food and monkeying about!”
“Monkeying about?” Donut repeated. “I’m pretty sure that’s not a real phrase.”
“Can it, Donut.”
“Can it? Okay, I know that’s not a real phrase!”
Sarge ignored the ongoing conversation and walked down the ramp leading to the bottom level of the base. There he saw Grif sitting against a wall and doing nothing productive.
Furious, the sergeant yelled at his lazy subordinate. “Grif! You good-for-nothing orange turd! I told you to meet me at the top of the base, and instead I find you down here monkeying about!”
Grif responded in a sarcastic and disrespectful tone. “Gee Sarge, I would have loved to come up there with you, but I’m just too lazy and stupid!”
“Are you being condescending?”
“Me? Condescending? Never!” Grif answered with more than a hint of sarcasm.
“I know you’re used to being a worthless and disappointing sack of crap, but this the first important mission we’ve gotten from command in quite some time!”
“Important mission? That sounds like command expects me to do stuff! I think I’ll sit this one out,” Grif said lazily.
Impatiently, Sarge issued a threat that was sure to get Grif to obey.
“Grif, if you don’t report to the roof in the next ten seconds, you’ll be bunking with Donut for a year!”
“Whoop! Break time’s over!” Grif said as he shot up to his feet and sprinted to the roof.
Sarge followed behind him and they both arrived just in time to hear Donut and Simmons finish their conversation.
“I’m telling you, it’s a real expression! People say it all the time!” insisted Simmons.
“But it doesn’t make any sense!” Donut replied. “What is ‘it,’ and why am I putting it in a can?”
“It’s just an expression, numb-nuts! It means ‘stop talking.’”
“You can’t stop talking by putting it in a can! Words don’t even fit in cans! Honestly, out of all the things you can do with a can, you choose the one that doesn’t make sense. Gee, you’re being a real glass-blower right now, Simmons.”
Simmons raised his voice in frustration. “What the hell? You’re accusing me of saying things that don’t make sense? That didn’t make any sense at all!”
“It’s a pretty common expression, Simmons. People say it all the time!”
“If I didn’t know how stupid you were, I’d say you were mocking me.”
Sarge sharply interrupted, “Simmons, Donut, stop being such glass-blowers and pay attention! What I’m about to tell you is incredibly important!” Sarge took a moment to make sure that no one was going to talk before continuing. “I’ve intercepted new orders from red command. They have a new, top-secret mission for us.”
“Is this mission actually top-secret, or is this just a normal mission that you’re calling top-secret?” Simmons asked.
“Does it matter?” asked Grif.
“Yes Grif. Classification is a vital part of mission assessment.”
“You are such a nerd.”
“Quiet, both of you!” Sarge demanded. “How can we be expected to get anything done if all you two do is talk?”
“We can’t be expected to do anything!” Grif said, “That’s the best thing about being us! Stop messing with the group dynamic!”
Sarge mumbled something about Grif and his shotgun before continuing his debriefing. “Like I was saying, we’ve gotten new orders from command. Apparently, they want us to investigate a bunch of scientific mumbo jumbo coming out of the caves.”
“Scientific mumbo jumbo?” Grif repeated. “That sounds like Simmons’ job description.”
“Yes, but it also sounds potentially dangerous!” Sarge added, “So we’re bringing you along just in case we need to sacrifice you, or at least so that you can be used in operation meat-shield!”
“And I’ll need Donut to help me carry some of my equipment,” said Simmons.
“Why not get Grif to help you?” asked Sarge. After a few moments of silence, Sarge said, “I just realized how ridiculous that suggestion was.”
“This is kind of an off day for you, isn’t it Sarge?” said Grif.
“Then it’s settled,” said Sarge, “Donut, me, Grif, and Simmons will go and investigate the cave, and Lopez will stay here and make sure the base is safe.”
“[Yes. I will make sure the base is safe from those blues that never attack us,]” the robot said, speaking in Spanish, which no one could understand. “[Hopefully this mission will kill some of you.]”
“Ha-ha! Good one, Lopez!” Donut said.
“What did he say?” Simmons asked.
“Oh, he just said a pretty funny joke about pencils!” Donut answered. “Isn’t that right, Lopez?”
“[Negative.]”
“What did he say then? It didn't sound like he was agreeing with you,” Simmons questioned.
Donut responded with a chuckle. “Oh, Lopez, you’re such a comedian!”
“[Stop pretending to understand what I’m saying,]” Lopez demanded.
“Okay, Lopez, that’s enough jokes out of you. This is serious business!” Sarge ordered.
It took nearly half an hour for Donut to drag Simmons’ computers and scientific equipment to the entrance to the cave half way across the canyon. His efforts would have taken much less time if the other reds had offered to help him. Sarge, Grif and Simmons were waiting for him when he arrived. The warthog jeep was parked outside the mouth of the cave.
“Donut!” Sarge exclaimed as the tired pink soldier approached the group, “What took you so long? The blues could have intercepted the objective by now!”
Donut finally took his hands off of the heavy electrical equipment he had been dragging, and then he replied to his sergeant after catching his breath. “I’m… sorry Sarge. It just… would have been a lot easier if you’d let me take the jeep.”
“Nonsense, Donut!” Sarge replied, “There was only enough room for three people and I always have to keep Grif within meat-shielding range! There was just not enough room for you or the equipment you were carrying.”
“It just seemed terribly inefficient,” Donut commented.
“I think it was an excellent tactical decision. No one else could lead this team with the strategic skill and charisma that you do,” Simmons said to Sarge.
“Wow, that was off the kiss-ass charts even for you,” said Grif.
“Let’s just go inside,” Simmons said. He turned around and headed into the cave with the rest of the squad following behind him. The cave was very small, small enough so that the light coming from both ends of the cave could illuminate the entire interior. The walls and floor were all the same color of dirt and rock that was present throughout the entire canyon.
“Okay, whatever the scientific anomaly is, I’m sure that my equipment will be able to find and evaluate it,” Simmons said to the group as they walked into the cave.
Grif was about to say something about how there was no point in him being there before a strange sight caught his attention. “Simmons, I think I found your anomany.”
Simmons grumpily replied, “It’s called an anomaly dumb-a… wow… I wasn’t expecting to see something like that.”
The four reds stared for a moment at the peculiar anomaly that they had found in the cave. A semi-transparent, purple circle was floating a few inches off of the cave floor. It had no frame in place, but still kept its disk-like shape. It was illuminated by a faint, purple glow.
“What in the name of Red October is that thing?” Sarge asked.
“I’m not sure,” said Simmons, “It appears to be some sort of temporal anomaly.”
“I had a temporal anomaly once,” said Donut, “but the doctors were able to remove it and now it only hurts when I sneeze!”
“Not that kind of ‘temporal,’ Donut,” Simmons explained. “It’s a rupture in the fabric of space-time.”
“You mean like a worm-hole?” asked Grif.
“Not necessarily,” Simmons answered.
“I don’t see why anyone’s worm-hole has to get involved in this!” said Donut.
“Donut, do me a favor and stop talking, would you?” Simmons requested. Simmons turned around to face the other three reds. “I can’t analyze this just by looking at it,” he said, “I’ll need to go get some of my equipment first.”
“Damn it! I told you the reds would get here first!” Tucker said angrily from the other end of the cave. He, Church, and Caboose had all entered the small cave shortly after Simmons had asked for his equipment.
“Not my fault,” said Caboose.
“Yes, It is your fault!” Tucker corrected. “You’re the one who took over an hour getting ready for this mission!”
“It’s not my fault you guys wouldn’t help me with the toothpaste!” Caboose yelled. Turning his attention to the reds, he said, “Hey, look! The reds are here!”
“Yeah, dude, we know,” said Tucker.
“I am going to go and say ‘hi’ to them!” Caboose announced. He began to slowly walk toward the reds.
Tucker tried to warn Caboose. “I don’t think that’s a good idea-“
“No, Tucker. Let him do it,” Church interrupted.
Caboose continued walking over to the reds while exclaiming, “Oh boy! It is so good to see you guys again!”
Sarge retorted by firing a shotgun blast that landed in front of Caboose’s feet. Caboose immediately turned around and walked back to Tucker and Church. “They said that they did not want to talk to me,” Caboose explained.
“Caboose, no one wants to talk to you. We just don’t have the luxury of getting rid of you,” Tucker added.
“You’re just jealous because Church loves me more!” Caboose said defensively.
“I’m not picking favorites,” said Church, “I hate both of you equally.”
"I bet Church hates me more equally than you!" Caboose boasted to Tucker.
Grif complained to Simmons, “God, this is so boring! All these blues ever do is stand around and talk.”
“You do realize that’s all that we do too, right?” Simmons clarified.
“Exactly! They’re totally stealing our thing!”
Simmons decided to ignore Grif and instead turn his attention to the three blues. “Hey! You three need to get out of here right now! We found it first!”
“Found what first? The fucking cave?” Tucker asked aggressively.
“No, the temporal anomaly,” Simmons clarified.
“The what?” Tucker asked.
“I think I have an ointment for that,” said Caboose.
“We don’t speak nerd. Why don’t you try English?” Tucker suggested.
“We don’t care if you understand what we’re talking about!” Simmons snapped back.
Caboose commented, “He is probably just embarrassed because he doesn’t have the proper ointment.”
Simmons then decided to try to explain the phenomenon in hopes that the blues would lose interest. “It’s a rupture in the fabric of space-time,” he said. “Like a worm-hole.”
“That is fascinating,” said Caboose.
“Oh, I have got to hear this!” Tucker announced. “Caboose, explain what you just learned.”
Caboose complied. “That guy Simmons has a temporal anomomomonomaly because he ruptured all of the space-time in his worm-hole, and now he is very embarrassed because he also lost his ointment.”
“What?” Simmons exclaimed. “That wasn’t even close!”
“Aw, don’t worry, Simmons,” said Donut, “That happens to me all the time!”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait!” Church interrupted as he stepped closer to the anomaly.
“Does that mean we have to wait four times?” Asked Caboose. “Because I have trouble doing it once.”
Church ignored Caboose and instead spoke to Simmons. “You’re saying that this thing is like a portal?”
Simmons spoke with some doubt. “I’m not sure if portal is the scientifically correct term to describe this.”
Sarge angrily waved his shotgun at Simmons and scolded him saying, “Simmons, stop giving valuable information to the enemy!”
Simmons respectfully replied, “With all due respect, sir. The information isn’t valuable if I’m the only person who understands it!”
“Maybe it’s a teleportal,” Caboose suggested, “We have one of those at our base too.”
Church gazed at the purple anomaly for a moment as if he were studying it. Then, he turned to the red team and said, “Dibs.”
“What?” Sarge asked confused.
“Dibs,” Church repeated, “I called dibs. This portal is mine now. Dibs.”
“Oh, dude, he just called double-dibs!” said Tucker. “Now this portal is definitely ours!”
“This is a highly dangerous and possibly unstable slip-space rupture!” Simmons said. “You can’t call dibs on it!”
“I’m pretty sure I just did,” Church said smugly.
“Oh, just let them have it!” Grif insisted. “Maybe they’ll kill themselves with it.”
“How dangerous is this thing?” Sarge asked Simmons.
“I have no idea,” said Simmons. “Any matter that goes through this could be transported to an unknown location or possibly be destroyed!”
“Or maybe it will destroy a random location,” said Caboose.
“Hmmm, maybe we should use Grif to test it,” Sarge suggested.
While the reds and blues talked amongst each other, Donut was the only one of them paying attention to the anomaly. The purple glow emitting from the portal became more intense. The purple portal was getting larger.
“Uh… guys…” Donut tried to warn them, but the other reds and blues were too busy arguing.
“I told you dirty blues to get lost!” Sarge shouted.
“Fuck you, dude! We found it first!” Tucker retorted.
Church added, “Yeah, and I already called dibs!”
“Guys…” Donut repeated, fruitlessly trying to get their attention as the threat grew.
"You can't call dibs! We got here first, jackass!" Simmons barked aggressively.
"Yeah, but you didn't call it," Church explained.
"Rules are rules, Simmons," Grif said with a slight yawn. "I say we let them have the temporal whatcha-call-it. I hear command is very strict on the 'dibs' protocols."
"I won't settle for insubordination!" Sarge yelled.
"I WANT TO YELL TOO!" Caboose shouted.
"Guys!" Donut repeated again. This time, he was able to get their attention, likely because the purple glow from the portal had gotten so intense, everyone couldn't help but notice it. "The temporal thing is doing a thing!" Donut exclaimed.
The purple anomaly began to pulsate, constantly changing its size and shape as if it was warm putty. Every person and everything in the cave was tinted purple from the intense light it emitted.
"I'd like to take this time to blame Grif for this incident," Sarge said almost out of instinct, "because if this thing kills me, I won't have time to blame him later!"
Grif was in no way upset by Sarge's words. "If this thing kills you, I'll gladly take credit for it," he said.
"We should probably leave..." Simmons said, pointing out what should have been obvious to all of them. Unfortunately, none of the red or blue soldiers stationed on Blood Gulch were known for their fast reaction time.
There was a sudden flash of blinding light from the cave that was strong enough for Lopez to see from clear across the canyon. After that flash, there was nothing, no lights, no sound, nothing. It was as if the anomaly had disappeared and taken everyone in the cave with it.
Lopez reluctantly made his way across the canyon toward the cave. He wasn't concerned about his teammates, but he knew that if they had destroyed the warthog again, he would be the one having to fix it. When he arrived at the mouth of the cave, he saw the warthog parked safely outside. Lopez felt the sensation of relief as he saw that his idiot companions had managed not to destroy the warthog... yet.
The second thing Lopez realized was that it was unusually quiet. If the red team was inside of the cave, they would be talking. All they ever do is talk. unless the blues had shown up, in which case they would be shooting and talking. Lopez didn't hear anything coming from that cave. Lopez considered that they may have all died in a massive fire-fight, but avoided getting his hopes up as he stepped into the cave.
"[Hello?]" He called out, hoping desperately that there would be no response. The inside of the cave had changed. The purple anomaly was gone and the floor and walls near the center of the cave were charred. Lopez studied this for a moment.
"[I guess they're dead,]" he said with even less emotion than usual. "[How tragic.]" After expressing his sentiments, Lopez left the cave and drove the warthog back to the red base.