Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website

by RainbowBob


Chapter 31: First Up To Bat

“You know, for a place called the web planet, there sure aren’t a whole lot of webs here,” Celestia said.

The First Doctor let out an exasperated sigh. “Well, child, when I heard you were from Equestria, I was expecting a planet full of stables, but I was delightfully denied such expectations. Instead, just ponies. Ponies everywhere. Besides, the planet is called Vortis, and I have no idea where you got that other name from.”

Celestia stopped in her tracks, the two beings out in the middle of nowhere with only a lifeless desert and crag-like rock formations around them, broken up by the odd pool of acid or two. “Wait, did you just call me child? You do know I’m older than you, right? Just call me Celestia.”

The Doctor snorted and turned around. His piercing blue eyes bore into her, but she quickly looked past them to observe the rest of him. Shoulder length white hair, a cheeky face like that of a benevolent grandfather, an extravagant dress style of a frock coat and even a bowtie. And to complete the look was an ebony cane he leaned upon in his right hand. The Doctor was every bit the face of refined, rugged, yet with a mix of the strange.

“I would hardly believe so, my dear Celestede—”

“Celestia,” Celestia quickly corrected him.

The Doctor waved his hand and said, “As I was saying, Celephia—”

“No, my name is—”

“Listen, Celiodia, do you want to stand here and argue all day, or do you want me to get to the point?” the Doctor snapped sharply.

Celestia pouted and frowned, but made no further indication of interrupting.

“Hmmmm… now, before being so scurrilously interrupted, I was about to mention… oh, what was it?” The Doctor snapped his fingers repeatedly and slammed the bottom of his cane into the dirt. “Blasted!”

“Did you forget why you called me out here on a date?” Celestia asked, her voice practically dripping with malcontent.

The Doctor arched a brow. “Pardon, but we’re on a date? How could such an occurrence possibly conjure?”

Celestia’s bottom jaw hung open. She pointed back to the blue police box, otherwise known as the TARDIS, they had just exited. “Are you serious? Don’t you remember the dating website? Me coming into your TARDIS and then you throwing around switches in it at random? And then us ending up on this forsaken planet for whatever reason! Did you forget all about that?”

The Doctor raised a hand. “Hold on for one moment, Celestio—”

“Oh, come on!”

“—for a dark presence is upon us and I was just about to forewarn you against producing blustering noise.”

Out of the cracks of the earth and behind scatterings of boulders appeared alien creatures of only the most nightmarish variety. Ants that walked on two feet, their appendages hairy and covered in spikes while their mandibles dripped with saliva that was driven by the hunger for flesh. The closer they approached, the more horrifying they became… to a point. That is, until Celestia noticed that the creatures appeared to have no idea where they were going and could barely walk straight without bumping into each other.

“My intentions for the our date were not of the fairest of hearts, child, for I had called upon your request for romance to instead meet my own ends,” the Doctor explained, now particularly frightened by the ant aliens’ appearance. “Hmmmm, for you see, my TARDIS has brought us here for something important must be done, and it won’t work again until that importance is met with none other than me, the Doctor.”

“So you forcibly brought me along as some sort of companion?” Celestia asked. She shuddered when one of the ant creatures screeched.

The Doctor laughed, tapping his cane into the ground. “Now you’ve got it! Originally it takes them much longer to figure that out. But don’t fret, because I’m sure we can take care of the Zarbi—the ant men menace—together without much trouble until the TARDIS starts working again.”

“But the TARDIS is working right now!” Celestia said, pointing a hoof to the blue box. Its door was slightly askew and light was pouring out of it from the control panel.

“Hmmmm… that it is, that is is,” the Doctor agreed. He then took off into a sprint, shouting behind his back, “Better hurry up now if you don’t want to be left behind!”

“What?” Celestia shouted. Before she could take a step further, one of theZzarbi snapped at her, successful in grabbing ahold of her foreleg in its maw. Punching it repeatedly with her hoof with no avail, Celestia looked to the TARDIS once more and screamed, “Wait, don’t leave me here, or else I swear—”

But before she could finish her sentence, the TARDIS was gone, being whisked away to another time or dimension or both.

Growling, Celestia ripped off one of the Zarbi’s legs and started beating it with it, the poor creature too stupid to realize it was in pain.

“I can’t believe this! My date ditched me!” Celestia roared, having downed the first zarbi with dozens more approaching by the minute. “Actually, no, wait… the TARDIS ditched me. That hunk of junk time travel machine can actually think,” Celestia concluded.

She brought the Zarbi leg up she had removed previously and smashed it against the head of another that had approached a tad too close. Wiping away some alien blood goo from her face, Celestia huffed and prepared for another swing. “Okay, new idea. Don’t trust the TARDIS or the Doctor, and hope that I can get at least one of them to agree for a date to end well for me for once.”

With another swing, Celestia ripped the head off another Zarbi, with three more to take its place. Frowning, Celestia rolled her eyes and prepared for the fight for her life mode she had grown so accustomed to. “Also, another new idea. Get time travel device so I don’t have to call Luna to pick me each time I’m dumped on a lifeless rock fighting off aliens. After the third time, which is now, it’s just getting repetitive.”