//------------------------------// // Case #2: The Kiss-a-Gram Contract // Story: Judge Celestia: Upon the Throne of Justice // by Aegis Shield //------------------------------// Judge Celestia: Upon the Throne of Justice Part 2: The Kiss-a-Gram Contract Celestia murmured over a set of documents while Noble Cause stood diligently nearby. That particular day of cases had been going swimmingly thus far, and her majesty’s stress level was being nicely managed. Some of the other guardsponies liked to joke that the Princess needed ‘handlers’ to keep her healthy and happy, sometimes in not-so-public ways—and they were often caught by Noble Cause and reprimanded. Her Majesty’s well-being (and reputation) were primarily on his shoulders while the noon day court was in session, and as baliff he would take his job seriously. “Noble Cause?” Princess Celestia’s tone said it wasn’t the first time she’d called his name. The bones in his neck popped audibly, so quickly did his head snap around to look at her. “The next case file?” her eyes portrayed amusement at his pinkened cheeks. “Yes!” Noble Cause lurched forward quickly, pawing through the stack on a small table nearby. Coughing a bit, the armored stallion scanned the names, case numbers and so on until he found the proper one. Turning and trying to ignore the light giggling that was in the audience on the pews, he marched up the dais stairs to the throne. He lowered his voice, “You majesty this is case number 53307 in the matter of Kiss-a-Gram Confidential versus Conglomo Incorperated.” He gestured behind himself, to the two ponies that were present behind the tables before the throne. “Parties have been sworn in, you may proceed when ready.” “Thank you, Noble Cause,” Celestia smiled pleasantly, flipping through the case file to remind herself of the details. “Your names and vocations, please?” she looked up at the two ponies that were suing one another. “I’m Light Heart, I own the Kiss-a-Gram Confidential company.” She was a young mare with bright eyes and a nicely tamed mane. Cream colored and easy on the eyes, Celestia could not spot a fleck of make-up or anything enhancing her. A natural beauty with an upright look about her ankles and trimmed fetlocks. “Your Majesty,” she added, bowing neatly. Celestia looked behind her to the witness chairs, where a row of rather studly-looking stallions sat with perfect posture. All of them were equally trimmed, brushed, and shone with all the careful attention of a showpony. Catching herself after five or six seconds of staring, she quickly looked over to the other table. “I’m Big Business, your Highness,” he was an elderly stallion with an easy smile and an expensive-looking suite. He took his bowler hat off and set it next to him. Celestia caught a glimpse of diamond cufflinks and the quick ring of a small line of military medals. A retired soldier, perhaps? “I retired from the Equestrian Guard when I started getting too old for it and build a company based around investment and buying up smaller companies.” “A conglomerate,” Celestia nodded her understanding. “You buy small companies and bring their resources into your own. What is the nature of your umbrella business?” “Groceries mostly,” Big Business said, “Ponies hafta eat after all, it’s good business!” “Indeed,” Celestia said, turning over a few papers. “Light Heart, what is the nature of the Kiss-a-Gram Confidential Company? Not a secret, I hope?” she smiled a little. “Er… we’re a kiss-a-gram company, your Majesty,” Light Heart said. Celestia stared at her, not following. There was a long silence while one side waited for another question and the other side waited for a real answer. Neither mare seemed to budge. Noble Cause turned his head to look at her highness, a rare show of movement in the guard. He studied her face. The subtle flick of one feature or another said a lot to ponies that were around the white alicorn every day. She genuinely didn’t know! The armored stallion winced inwardly. Not for the first time, Celestia’s spanning age and pampered life-style had not acclimated every single new thing that civilization had to offer. Kiss-a-grams were not something that were ever thought to be brought into the palace, much less near or to the Princess! Finally it was Celestia that broke, “Explain for me?” she said. There was a three second gape of red-cheeked comprehension, which Noble Cause glared down. The audience didn’t dare laugh at his piercing blue eyes. “Er, well. I hire handsome stallions, like these colts here—” Light Heart gestured to the five stallions sitting poised in the witness chairs behind her. “To go to parties and… erm… kiss ponies,” it sounded kind of dirty to say aloud. “They’re... prostitutes?” Celestia raised a brow. Noble Cause almost moaned. “No!” Light Heart said, “Nothing like that! Just… just… pleasant company!” Big Business put a hoof over his muzzle to giggle uncontrollably. “There’s nothing sexual involved!” Celestia frowned. “So you hire handsome stallions to attend parties, just so that they might be seen and spend time with ponies that need company?” the alicorn asked. “Why not merely invite more friends?” “W-well, some ponies don’t have a lot of friends. Or if you’re throwing a big company party,” Light Heart gestured across the way to Big Business. “—and you have a ratio of ten to one in the mare’s favor, you need a few more stallions to even things up!” “Ah, a social lubricant then,” Celestia looked down at her paperwork. “Equalizing the sexes so that everyone might find a dance partner or some such.” Noble Cause stared at his hooves. The Princess had just said ‘lubricant’, this day couldn’t get any worse. “We also have single stallions deliver romantic messages, starting them with a kiss on the cheek to the recipient.” Light Heart added. There was giggling in the audience. “You know, telegram, kiss-a-gram!” she gestured to one side then the other. “It sounds odd to me, but fair enough. If there is money to be made for a certain service, eventually a company providing that service is bound to pop up. Simple economics.” She nodded along with her own statement, rather embarrassed at the revelation of the kiss-a-gram. “Er-yes.” Light Heart said, looking over her shoulder at the row of stallions. They shrugged at her. “Th-that being said, my case…?” “Ah yes, your case is about a payment contract, is it not?” Celestia turned over a page or two. “If I’ve read correctly, Big Business hired your company to provide twenty stallions for a New Year’s party some time ago and has failed to pay you, yes?” Celestia glanced up to see the mare nod. “Yes, and I’m here to get my money for services rendered,” Light Heart said. The five stallions behind her nodded in perfect unison. Noble Cause found it unnerving. “Not only that but your late-pay clause says that you have a five percent interest rate for every month that the full payment is not rendered.” Celestia read. “Rather steep for such a service, wouldn’t you say?” “I take very good care of my stallions,” Light Heart said with a fire in her eyes. “If somepony doesn’t pay, they don’t get paid and I don’t get paid either!” she gestured to another contract. “Their price is on commission, so my employees get paid before I do!” “How noble, most businesses are just the opposite,” Celestia said, gesturing for Noble Cause to fetch the employment document. Sure enough, it was a basic employment-on-commission contract. Light Heart received thirty percent of whatever monies her stallions brought in, after maintenance and other bills were taken care off. Rather generous, to be honest. “And I’m not paying you a single bit!” Big Business snarked across the way, “Much less your crazy interest rates!” “Let’s address the contract itself,” Celestia said aloud before an arguing match could begin. “Noble Cause, fetch it for me?” The stallion went down the dais stairs and returned with the contract. The Princess’ eyes went back and forth across all the legal jargon and places that were signed and dated. “Two hundred bits per stallion, that’s quite a price!” “She treats us like royalty, so we’re expensive like royalty!” One of the five handsome stallions called from his witness chair. “Hush, you’ve not been called to speak,” Celestia didn’t even look up. The stallion’s muzzle scrunched up and he flushed red. Hushed by the Princess! The other four snickered at him, and a ripple of laughter went through the audience. “So, Big Business, it must’ve been a large party to warrant twenty kiss-a-gram stallions, yes?” she asked. “Oh yes, New Years is one of our biggest company parties!” Big Business nodded. “And you sought out Kiss-a-Gram Confidential to fill in the room with a bit more erhm… males?” Celestia said delicately as she could. “Yes, about three quarters of my company staff is female, so it seemed only fair,” Big Business shrugged. “Almost all my higher-ups are female as well. Most of them not married, either.” Celestia wondered about what sort of stallion thought it was okay to buy party-goers to entertain his female employees, but she wasn’t about to judge. If it was strictly social and not prostitution (in its usual sense), then she would not question his ethics. It wasn’t important to the case itself. “So you got in touch with Light Heart and commissioned twenty stallions, then what?” Celestia asked with a light toss of her ethereal mane. “The time for the party came around, and she only brought nineteen! We had a contract for twenty!” Big Business complained, shooting a glare across the way. “You can’t partially fulfill a contract and expect to get paid for the whole she-bang!” “Did the nineteen stallions that did attend stay and socialize at your party, as planned?” Celestia asked, looking up at him. “Yes,” said the stallion slowly. “Then you’ll be paying for nineteen of them.” Celestia did some quick math in her head. “two hundred bits per stallion times nineteen stallions is thirty-eight hundred bits.” She stacked the papers rather smartly. “That part is not negotiable on your part in the eyes of this court. You were rendered a service, or in your case a partial service, so you will pay the full, albeit partial, price.” “But-!” “Now, about this interest rate,” Celestia said, leaning over the contract. “I notice that where it usually says five percent, it’s been scribbled out to read zero.” She tapped a hoof. “Does it say zero on your copy of the contract as well, Light Heart?” “…yes,” Light Heart admitted begrudgingly. “Why is that? Don’t you always fill this blank in with a five?” Celestia asked. “Price on commission services are based on risk versus reward. Five percent is my standard,” Light Heart explained. “If I think a client will try something funny or try to not pay, I hike up the interest rate to make sure we get paid on time. It’s just business. Since Big Business is from a huge company, I gave him our lowest interest rate because I didn’t think he’d even hesitate to pay us.” “But he did, because you brought nineteen stallions instead of twenty?” Celestia asked. “He said he wanted a lower price because we didn’t fulfill our end of the deal!” Light Heart complained “That’s a lie!” Big Business snapped. “No it’s hearsay,” Celestia corrected. “You cannot speak for another pony, my little pony,” the Princess reminded her. “Merely tell me the events that happened.” Light Heart thought for a time, trying to leave out anything her opponent had said. “Once the party was over and we’d sent our bill, we received a message that said we weren’t going to receive any monies because we’d not completely fulfilled the contract.” “We’ve straightened that bit out,” Celestia nodded. “Nineteen stallions hired is thirty-eight hundred bits. And your interest rate, how does that play into this?” “Well, we sent him the same bill over and over, each with a polite letter telling him to pay up or we’d have to sue him… and here we are,” Light Heart gestured around the room. “Your interest rate is applied each month, I take it?” Celestia looked down at the contract, “Five percent of thirty-eight hundred times six is…” she shut her eyes for a few moments. Then, with a short chuckle, she reached next to herself for a calculator. “Point zero five… thirty-eight hundred…” she mumbled as her hooves pecked the buttons. “Your five percent interest rate over six months would come to an extra eleven hundred and forty bits.” “Yes, you Majesty,” Light Heart nodded. Celestia read through the lines of the contract carefully, past the five-scribbled-out-as-a-zero, and all around it. “I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for your interest rate, Light Heart. This contract is binding.” “What?!” Light Heart said. All five stallions startled, leaning forward in their seats. “Your contract happened thus, stop me if I say something wrong;” Celestia held it up with her magic. “You wrote the contract with certain blanks involved for names, dates, and so on. Each bit of important information was filled in, signed and dated.” She paused so Light Heart could nod. “Twenty stallions, two hundred bits each, this date, these circumstances, this interest rate…” she went down the list. “And this contract didn’t leave your desk until it was signed and dated correctly, yes?” “That’s right?” it came out like a question. “It was just the two of us in my office, I watched him the whole time.” “And when it was all done you had a copy made and gave one to mister Big Business here, yes?” Celestia asked. “Yes?” Light Heart cocked her head. “Then I cannot reward your bits for any sort of foul-play. Morally, yes, it seems he’s snuck one by you,” she paused to tap the zero that had been scribbled into the contract. “But, it was carelessness on your part that made you initial next to it,” she smiled with a bit of pity. “What?!” Light Heart looked down at her copy of the contract. Sure enough, next to the zero percent interest rate were her initials, and Big Business’ initials. She’d signed it herself! “I’ll wager the guess that you’ve filled out so many of these contracts that you’ve stopped actually reading them,” Celestia scolded gently. “Only a fool signs something without reading it thoroughly, my little pony.” Light Heart looked positively cowed, for her mouth was hanging open and no sound was coming out. “Big Business changed the terms of the contract, and you signed your name over them without actually reading all the details. As you have already provided the service promised in said contract, you’ve become bound to its terms in its entirety. Big Business could have refused your nineteen stallions, but did not, so he has to pay you. But you signed away your interest rate, so that I cannot award you.” “Yes!” Big Business launched a hoof skyward. “Judgement for the plaintiff in the amount of 3800 bits,” Celestia stamped a hoof, nodding officially. After a time, with wilted ears, Light Heart turned back to her row of stallions, “Sorry guys, I did my best,” she smiled sadly. They responded by almost knocking her over in a group hug, squeezing her hard. “Hug!” she gagged, “Too much hug! Augh!” Both her eyes were bulging out of their sockets. “No! No! Too much hug!” the pile of ponies tipped, tipped, then fell over with her on the bottom. Big Business gathered his papers, turning and leaving without a word. “Well there you have it,” the radio announcer said as the audience began to stir and chatter between cases. “Big Business had to pay for the stallions he used at his party, but Light Heart signed away her own interest rate, so she only got some of the monies she thought she would. Join us next time Upon the Throne of Justice!” =-----=-----=-----=-----= “Whoever would’ve thought of such a thing, kiss-a-grams?” Celestia asked Noble Cause as they walked slowly down the quiet halls of the palace. The Princess was retiring for the evening, and her bailiff was seeing her to her private apartments. That wing of the castle was where the two princesses lived when they weren’t seeing to royal duties. “No telling, your Majesty,” Noble Cause chuckled. “It’s not too bad of an idea, if you think about it. Who doesn’t like getting a kiss on the cheek?” “From a stranger at a party, though?” Celestia pondered, smirking a little. “How would you like it if I wandered up to you and--!” she paused for breath, “Kiss-a-Gram!” she smooched his cheek hard enough to make his head tilt. Noble Cause’s face went hot. “E-er-well…” he stuttered. “Ah well,” Celestia shrugged just once, finally finding the double doors that led to more private chambers. “See you tomorrow, Noble Cause. Good night!” she waited for him to bow, then went in and closed the door behind her. The armored stallion waited for the protective spells to slide into place and to hear the click of the door locking. Only Luna could open that door now, much less break it down. Noble Cause touched his cheek, still red in the face. Her kiss was electric. End of Case #2