Monday, April 16, 2012
“Forgive me for implying that you are refusing to help me, William, but I don’t see how this will help me find my friends, let alone get home to Equestria.” Rarity said, a white-hot sliver of ire piercing her every word.
I sighed as I hunched over, waist deep in my cavernous movie cabinet. Retracting my head from the depths of the comedy section I gave her a sidelong glance. Looking around to make sure that we were alone in the room I shook my head at her. “Rarity,” I began, “I don’t know exactly what you expect me to do,” I said, slumping my shoulders. “It’s not like I have some sort of secret network of contacts or anything that could keep me informed about where a girl with candy colored hair might show up.” I shrugged. “I mean, there’s the fandom, but the odds of another pony fan finding one of your friends is astronomically slim.” I grabbed a Dr. Pepper off of the cabinet and took a long sip.
“Well, can you honestly expect me to just sit around and do nothing?” Rarity threw her hands up, exasperated. “My friends and family are out there in a dangerous world all alone! Surely I can do something to help them!”
I groaned. “Okay, let’s put it this way…” I said, massaging my forehead. “Rarity, did your parents ever teach you about what to do if you’re lost in the woods?”
Rarity nodded. “Of course.”
“What’s the first rule about being lost in the woods?” I asked the purple-haired girl.
“Stay where you are,” she answered almost reflexively, before realizing what she said and scowling at me.
I smirked at her. “Or else, you chance wandering around and missing the people that are looking for you, running around each other in circles until both parties get exhausted and give up,” I said, “And at the same time, you risk falling into a ditch or a stream and hurting yourself, or attracting a predator and getting yourself mauled, or any number of things.”
She huffed. “Very well, William, you make your point… BUT!” she exclaimed. “One of the other rules is to blow a whistle to attract any search parties to you.”
I dipped a hand at her. “I concede the point.” I said, calmly. “But for now, why don’t you let me worry about how we’re going to handle the whistling? After all, I know these woods better than you.”
She grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. “Very well, but sitting here watching these ‘dee-vee-dees’ of yours does not sit well with me. I feel like I should be doing something.”
“You are doing something.” I insisted. “You’re keeping your cover for my parents. If you didn’t, we couldn’t do the ‘stay where you are’ part of getting out of the woods.” I sat on the floor, looking into her eyes. “I won’t be able to help you if my parents kick you out or call the cops on you or something. I don’t want that to happen.”
Rarity stared at me for a moment before sighing and averting her eyes. “No, I do not want that either,” she said, stopping to look past me at my DVD collection. “Still though, I cannot imagine why you insist I watch your collection of moving pictures.”
“Call them movies,” I said. “Nobody has called them moving pictures in decades. You’ll blow your cover pulling that.”
Rarity huffed.
“Secondly,” I continued, “that’s sorta my fault. I told my parents that you were an old friend from college, you know?”
Rarity nodded. “Shelby,” she confirmed, prodding me to go on.
“Well, the problem is that I’d already long since told my mother about the real Shelby,” I said. “I’ve never kept secrets like this from my mother before,” I mumbled, scratching the back of my head, “And one day she called me, like she did every other week… and I told her I was interested in a girl.”
“Oh?” Rarity said her eyes widening. “You… made the girl you had a crush on into my cover?”
I choked on a sip of Dr. Pepper. A moment of sputtering later I wiped my mouth with my arm. “Don’t read into that, please.” I muttered, hiding myself back in my DVD case, looking for something to have her watch. “I chose Shelby because she’s the only girl that I ever told my mother about, so I hoped that she would recognize the name and realize that I wasn’t just bringing a stranger into the house.”
I heard Rarity let out an unladylike giggle. “But you made the girl you had a crush on into my cover.”
Groaning, I pulled my head out of the cabinet and looked at her. She had the biggest grin on her face. Rarityyyyy…” I whined. “Stop making this more awkward than it is.”
“Oh?” Rarity tittered, extending a leg, pointing a foot, and cocking her head back. “Do you have a little crush on ‘Shelby,’ Will?”
I rolled my eyes, trying not to think about the woman who I still didn’t have a bra for sitting not six feet from me. ‘She’s a pony she’s a pony she’s a pony she’s a pony she’s a pony’ I continued to repeat to myself.
Stop it, little Will; I don’t have time to deal with your shit right now.
I continued, not paying attention to Rarity, who seemed to find my discomfort absolutely hilarious. “Yes, I had something of a crush on Shelby. Which was why I ended up telling my mother a lot about her. I told her that she was just about as big a geek as I was, if not bigger; that she played a lot of video games, watched a lot of movies, read a lot of fantasy, that sort of thing. That was why I had a crush on her.” I glanced askance at Rarity. “Not because she was a highly attractive woman that, frankly, any breathing man who isn’t gay wouldn’t find enticing, especially when she’s sitting on a bed in their house without a bra on.”
Rarity fell back laughing at that. I snorted and turned back into the DVD case. ’Screw it,’ I thought, just reaching into the case and grabbing at the first movie I could grab. I pulled my hand back and looked at the cover. I winced ’Oh noooo… WOW no. Not that one,’ I thought, deciding it would definitely be a better idea to pick a movie a little more wisely.
“Will,” I heard Rarity say, softly. I turned to look at her. She had stopped laughing, and was looking at me with a genuine smile; her eyes looked like they could start to tear up at any moment. “Thank you.”
I blinked “For what?” I asked.
She chuckled, looking down at her hands, which she had between her now-crossed legs. “It’s petty… but thank you for letting me know I’m still pretty.”
“Oh.” I said, nodding, “Yeah, sure.” I chuckled. “I doubt you could be anything else, no matter what you turned into. You’re beautiful, Rarity.”
She smiled at me, a tear rolling down her face. We looked at each other for a few moments before I realized we were actually having a ‘moment’ she seemed to realize it the same as me and quickly averted her eyes. “So uh…” she cleared her throat. “What’s that you have there?”
I looked down at my hand to see that the offending movie was still in it. “Uh…” I stuttered, “Nothing I think you want to see.”
“Really?” Rarity asked. “But it has a-”
“Yeah, trust me.” I said. “You don’t want to see this.” I said, turning and sliding the movie back into its spot. I could feel the heat of Rarity’s gaze upon the back of my head as I said that. I ignored it, continuing. “I think I know what we should start with though.” I said, reaching for the science fiction section. “The beginning and end of where all nerdiness begins.”
“And where would that be?” Rarity asked, an eyebrow raised.
I pulled out a movie and held it up to her. “A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.” I grinned.
Rarity stared at me blankly.
I rolled my eyes. “Pop culture references. That’s a thing we need to work on if you’re going to play a geek.”
“I can’t read what that says” Rarity deadpanned. I blinked, looking at the cover of my copy of ‘Star Wars: A New Hope.’
“Oh right.” I said, chuckling. “You can’t read English.” I pointed to the movie case. “This is Star Wars, A New Hope. It’s the first in a series of movies that greatly defined a lot of my culture. Made by one of the best directors ever before he went completely coo-coo for cocoa puffs”
“A movie defined that much of your culture?” Rarity said, sounding incredibly surprised.
“Oh you have no idea.” I said. “These movies pretty much defined a generation or two.”
“Astounding.” Rarity said, her eyes widening. “Must have been a very impressive film. Moving pictures are barely a curiosity back in Equestria. They barely last ten minutes and most of them don’t have sound.”
“Sounds like you’re still caught in the era of early silent films.” I said. “I remember there was a PSA in one episode of the show with talking though?”
Rarity waved a hand, dismissively. “That was probably a phonograph synced up with a film reel.” She said with a little roll of her eyes. “They try that sometimes to give the pictures sound, but it almost never syncs up properly and it gets very distracting.”
“Ah,” I said, understanding. “Yeah, we tried that in the early history of film over here too.” I said with a nod. “Don’t worry. Give it a few decades and you’ll be cranking out some mind blowing movies of your own. Stuff that will define whole generations of little colts and fillies.”
“If you say so.” Rarity mumbled. “It’s still up in the air, back in Equestria, whether moving pictures even counts as an art form.”
I nodded. “Humans act the same way every time a new medium is developed. We’re still arguing over that with video games. What do you think, though?” I asked, curious.
Rarity shrugged. “I hardly know enough about them to say one way or another, Will. It’s an interesting novelty, but I would prefer to spend my time at the theater or at an opera than watch a grainy, black and white, fifteen-minute reel of film go by.”
“Well,” I chuckled, “Let me tell you. Whether you think it’s art or not, I’ll bet you find this,” I said, pointing to the Star Wars DVD, “a bit more than just a ‘novelty.’”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “We shall see, Will.”
I popped the DVD into the player and turned the television to the proper channel for movie viewing, grinning like a schoolboy. Rarity just looked at me with a bemused expression, before settling back into the pillow. Skipping through the menu, Rarity watching me the whole time, I directed her attention the screen as the famous words appeared.
“A long time ago in a galaxy far far away…” the screen read.
Rarity jumped back as the opening notes of John Williams’ famous score blasted through the room. Rarity had to stop to catch her breath, glaring at me as I grinned madly at her, chuckling at her reaction. “You did not tell me it would be so loud!”
“Shhh!” I shushed her. “You have to read the opening crawl!” I said as the first words started to appear on the screen.”
Rarity crossed her arms at me. “How many times do I have to tell you, William. I cannot read your chickenscratch of a language,” she harrumphed.
I sighed. “Right right, let’s go back a little I said, rewinding it a bit to the first few seconds. “A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.” I read to her. She nodded in response.
The music played again as I continued to read the words off to her. “Star Wars!” I exclaimed, letting her take in the score. “Episode 4: A New Hope,” I said, reading off the subtitle. “It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire…”
I read through the rest of the crawl for her. By the end, Rarity seemed interested, but still dubious.
“…custodian of the secret plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the Galaxy.” I finished, pausing the film just before the action started, and looked at Rarity. “What do you think?” I asked.
“I believe that this will be my first experience with this sort of story…” she said, diplomatically. “I don’t know what to expect.”
“Then you’re in for a treat.” I grinned, handing her the remote. “I’m going to go work on that whole ‘whistling’ dilemma that you brought up earlier. Press this button to pause the film like I just did, and this button to play it again.” I said, pointing to the pause and play buttons respectively. “And press this button to eject it when you’re done, then come get me and we can either start the second part, or watch something else if you like.” I smiled at her.
“Very well, I suppose.” She said, looking back at the screen.
“Trust me.” I said. “I’ve never met anybody who didn’t like at least this part of Star Wars.” I said, getting off the bed and walking to the door. “If you need me, I’ll be downstairs.”
“One more question, though, Will?” Rarity asked.
“Yes, Rarity?”
Rarity pointed at the screen. “Why are we starting with Episode Four? Should we not start with Episode One?”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “We don’t talk about Episode One.”
She blinked at me, rearing back a bit. I sighed, chuckling. “You’ll understand when we get around to it.” I said, closing the door and retreating down the stairs.
* * *
Rarity shook her head, trying to comprehend Will’s reaction to her last statement. It seemed perfectly logical to her to start with Episode One. What if there was context she needed before starting this episode. Would she not be very confused about what was going on? It seemed pretty straightforward, but still…
She looked back at the screen. She had to admit it sounded interesting, though it really felt more like Twilight’s sort of fare than hers. Rarity was generally much more interested in a good romance or historical drama than she was in science fiction as this seemed to be.
‘Not to mention…’ she thought, looking back over at Will’s dee-vee-dee case, ‘I can’t help but be curious just what he was so intent on hiding from me…
Rarity got up, pressing the button that Will had said was the ‘eject’ button and pulled the disc out of the player, placing it carefully back in its case. She made her way over to the cabinet and started rummaging around in it. “Let’s see what he was so desperate to hide.” She mumbled to herself. After a few minutes of looking, she found it, her suspicions confirmed.
“I knew it.” Rarity growled. “The hooves and tail are wrong but there’s no mistaking it.” She looked at the door accusingly. “Why would he hide this from me? He was so quick to show us that little show about us… Unless…” She curled a hand into a fist. “That liar!” She snarled.
“He’s one of them!” She said, stomping over to the bed and falling upon it, gazing accusingly at the case she held in her hands. “One of those freaks that gets off to us! Why else would he so desperately try to hide this from me?!” She popped the disc out of the case and put it into the player, shutting the device. “Oh, I’ll show him. When I tell him I’ve called him out on his little deception, he will rue the day he thought he could pull the wool over Rarity’s eyes!”
Hitting play when the menu came up, she sat back on the pillow, face carved into a scowl and arms crossed in front of her chest.
The scene opened on a forest, lazily panning over a painted, animated waterfall, before eventually coming to focus on a barking dog and two animated humans galloping through the forest on horseback.
“I dislike the feel of these woods,” one of the animated humans said. “Creatures that live in a unicorn’s forest learn a little magic of their own in time…”
* * *
I slumped in front of the computer, lazily scrolling through a fanfiction, not actually paying attention to anything. Something about Fluttershy getting turned into a hulk-expy by standing in some sort of gamma-irradiated cousin of Poison Joke. Wasn’t particularly great
‘Fanfiction…’ I thought to myself. ‘The fiction part hardly feels that way anymore, knowing for a fact that these characters are real.’ I sighed, closing the tab and opening up Google.
I was supposed to be working on helping Rarity “whistle for her friends.” I didn’t even know where to begin with that though. We’d already gone looking for them, at least to the degree that made sense. I wasn’t sure how to get the call out to the ponies with any chance of success.
I considered this before typing in a few random searches. “How to find someone who doesn’t want to be found” was my first search. It brought up a few interesting articles about finding long lost, hiding relatives. Unfortunately, pretty much every result first said that you needed to have some information about who you’re looking for; a name, if nothing else.
I had names, but unfortunately, they were the names of fictional characters. Very popular fictional characters. If I were to try searching them, I’d get a lot of results, but nothing that would help me. Just brony sites and some official Hasbro material, and little else. Any actual information about the lost ponies would be swallowed up among the thousands upon thousands of other results. The term needle in a haystack came to mind… assuming the haystack was about the size of Alaska.
Other suggestions ranged from trying out old email addresses… which the ponies wouldn’t have… to looking through online profile databases… which the ponies also wouldn’t have.
I looked up a few private investigators on next, but I realized very quickly that there was no way that I’d get any self-respecting private investigator to actually investigate this case. Something told me that no matter how much money I offered, they would slam the door on me the moment that I brought up cartoon ponies that are actually aliens from another dimension.
After about another hour of searching through dozens of google pages, looking up multiple searches ranging from “how to find someone who’s been kidnapped” to “how to find someone with no internet” to “how to find someone who’s lost” I finally got frustrated enough to take a break. I paced around the living room, grumbling, wondering how somebody would have searched for someone who’d been lost back in the days before the internet. Sadly, when I searched that information, it didn’t even seem to exist. The internet had made everybody ditch those methods apparently. I couldn’t blame them, of course, but it sure made my life inconvenient right now.
I slumped down into my chair and pulled up a youtube video of the Nostalgia Critic. I sighed, as I settled into the cushions, my face on my hand as I watched the antics of the critic on the screen. I usually watched videos like this to cheer up but it was doing little to help at the moment.
“Having trouble?” a voice came from beside me.
I jumped, turning to see Dani leaning against the wall next to me. I hadn’t even heard her come in.
“You startled me.” I said.
“What can I say, I’m a ninja.” She said with a smirk. “Now what’s up? Rarity situation driving you insane?”
I nodded, pausing the video. “I can’t figure out what to do, Dani.” I said with a long sigh. “How do you find people that could literally be anywhere in the world right now, among any sort of people, with no knowledge of the world they’re in?”
Dani tapped her chin. “It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack the size of Ireland.”
“I was thinking Alaska, but yeah.”
Dani stood there thinking for a minute before speaking again. “Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? You have to get the needle to come to you.”
I blinked. “How?”
“You know when you’re lost in the woods and you whistle so that people that are looking for you can come find you?” Dani explained.
I nodded. “Yeah, Rarity and I made that analogy not long ago, weirdly enough.”
“Well you gotta practice what you preach, bro.” Dani said, putting a hand on a hip. “Get what you’re saying through that thick skull of yours.”
I nodded. “Yeah, okay… I get it.” I said. “I don’t look for them, they’re obviously looking for her anyway. So I get the message out on where to find her.”
“Exactly!”
“Okay, that’s great and all, but what if they’re lost in the wilderness or something?” I said. “What if they’ve been kidnapped by Albanian slavers or are caught in the middle of the Amazon jungle or something?”
Dani looked at me, her face stony. “Thinking pragmatically, Will? If they’re lost in places like that then they’re already dead.”
A knife shot through my heart. It was like I knew that already, but hearing somebody else say that… it made me feel nauseous.
“…So you can’t think about that,” Dani continued. “If some of them are lost… then there’s nothing you can do about it. What you need to do is alert as many people as possible to the fact that she’s been found and hope that somebody actively looking for her notices.”
“How do I do that?” I asked.
Dani shrugged, walking out of the living room. “Hell if I know, bro. You figure that part out.” Dani said, sauntering out of the room.
I huffed, settling back into the chair. “Yeah, thanks, Dani. Big help.”
I sat back and had the video play again, watching as the Nostalgia Critic began to compare the movie Manhunter with Red Dragon.
And then it hit me.
“I’ve got it!” I stood up so fast I nearly knocked over the computer. Letting the video continue to play, I quickly rushed up the stairs. I pulled open the door to my room and barged inside. “Rarity! I called, quickly locating her on the bed.
Rarity was sitting there with the pillow clutched to her chest, her face soaked with tears and her chest racking with sobs. Her eyes were beet red and her hair was frizzed up and tangled, her body covered in sweat. I quickly took a step back. I never expected Star Wars to incite that sort of reaction.
“Oh you stayed… you stayed.” I heard come from the TV
Wait a minute…
I turned to look at the screen. The image of a young, blond man with dozens of medals decorating his chest stumbled to his feet. “Father? I had that same dream… no… I was dead.” He said.
“I remember you… I remember…”
I shook my head and sighed. “…Dammit, Rarity…”