//------------------------------// // That's Not a Punch! // Story: Legendary Legends of the Legendary Pony Summoner // by Pen Mightier //------------------------------// The late afternoon sun was the only light in the sad, broken corpse's un-life as it lay decomposing slowly in its despair amidst the training field's dust. "Taaaaaadpoooooooles. My life's full of taaaaaadpoooooles. It's the tadpole god's cuuuuuuuurse." It moaned in a manner not unlike a zombie lamenting its epitaph. "Ah got here first, so ah am callin' dibs on the prim-ee-tip ancestor discoverer cutie mark." The first ramen-coloured tadpole was busy laying claim to her summoner, hopping up and down excitedly atop his defeated buttocks. "What would a prim-ee-tip ancestor cutie-mark look like anyway? Like one of those fossil things?" A fashion-sensible orange winged tadpole asked, tapping a hoof against her chin thoughtfully. "Aren't those, like, turds turned to stone?" Another tadpole, this one the colour and roundness of a ripe white turnip, complete with pointy horned tip, said. "Eeewww!" She screwed up her nose at her companions. "So, the cutie mark would look like Diamond Tiara." The orange one summed up. "Con-gray-ya-lay-shuns, Applebloom." "Urgh, actually, no thanks." The ramen-coloured one muttered. "But, hey, what about fossil-hunter cutie marks!" She suggested excitedly. "But aren't those for dine-or-sores?" The orange one pointed out, "And aren't they supposed to be, you know, dead and buried dine-or-sores?" "Looks pretty dead to me." The turnip tadpole concluded, poking the corpse's blonde hair experimentally. "So now we just bury it and then we can be..." "Cutie mark crusader fossil hunters, yay!" They all leapt atop the corpse and hopped up and down in celebration. "Sluuuuurp..." Rainbow, most loyal of summons, watched her summoner's plight over her bowl of ramen from where she lay to one side of the training field next to a set of old vending machines. "Oh yeaaaaaaaaaah, fillyyyyyy!" She allowed herself a muffled squeak of happiness. She had paced herself well through her second bowl, allowing herself just a soft but ticklish glow. "Hey, hey, Rainbow, whazzat?" The orange tadpole asked, hopping off the corpse to go study her distraction-of-the-second. "Can I have a try?" She asked, putting on her best puppy-dog squee. ""Not till you're older, squirt." Rainbow said, waving the filly off. "Awwww!" "I agree! Awwwww!" The corpse finally showed signs of life. "At least you summoned a unicorn, Oranges." Rainbow said, though more giggling than consoling. "Forsooth, she's all howny and evewything!" Luna pointed out helpfully. "It's a horny tadpole!" Naruto pointed an accusing finger at the turnip-tadpole. "I'm Sweetie Belle!" The tadpole asserted, "And you're orange!" She shot back. "Hey, what's wrong with orange?" The orange one shot at her friend, "Oranges are orange and oranges are pretty awesome." She shot off on a tangent. "Yeah, uncle Orange is from the city so he talks weird and even wears clothes, but he's pretty awesome." The ramen-coloured one shot off on a tangent to a tangent. "Maybe I can confuse Hyuug-face to death with them?" Naruto wondered out loud as he turned over to stare up at the reddening sky above in contemplation. "Wait a sec, Rainbow, what's that you got in your hand? Or hoof? Whatever?" He asked, glancing around at his summonee. "Huh, this?" Rainbow was half-way to tipping the contents of a bottle into her ramen. "Ketchup. Got it from the old man's stall." "Whoah!" Naruto leapt to his feet and swooped in and held the tip steady, preventing the first drop from leaking out from the bottle. "That's high grade hon mirin*! That's, like, 40% proof! Flammable stuff! Hot ramen could probably set it off!" *Cooking alcohol "What, you guys put explosives in your food?" Rainbow blinked. "Whoah, that's, like, badass." "If that's all it takes to show Hyuu-jerk the mirror he needs then I'd down all of TonTon's explosives with a side of Sasuke's flammable breath-stink." Naruto muttered. "Ya know, I'm no egghead. I don't get this whole sum-moan-knee thing, whatever it is. But you sort of teleport ponies over, right?" Rainbow said. "You've been getting random ponies so far. Why don't cha' think of somepony in particular?" "Huh, good idea. I'll start with not-a-tadpole." Naruto muttered. "Any suggestions?" "Hmmm....Think powerful and purple. Y'know, the colour of grapes." Rainbow suggested, thinking of her best friend. If there's anypony able to help him, it'd be her. "Hopefully that'll get you the most powerful pony....after me, of course." "Everypony knows purple's the second most powerful colour after blue." Luna nodded sagely to herself. "Blue's the strongest. Not white. Definitely not white." "Grapes, huh?" Naruto said. "Got it. Let's summon them grapes. Summoning technique a-go-go!" He slammed his palm into the ground again, causing the three little tadpoles to leap in surprise. A cloud of smoke erupted forth. This one hung about for a long while. In fact, one might go so far as to accuse of it of being a particularly lethargic cloud. Even its plumes curled half-heartedly, its billows sluggish. It smelled of grapes. Oh, and berries. "Oh by thundersnaps...." Rainbow muttered, filling with dread. "I said the colour of grapes! I didn't say think of grapes!" "What? This even smells of grapes!" Naruto argued as the smoke cleared just about enough for them to make out the results. For all intents and purposes it looked like yet another corpse had arrived on the training field. "What cheap flank-wipe let the sun through?!" The slurred words would have belonged right at home on a zombie, a slogan for 60% absinthe, or both. "I swear I'll make you drink glitter and slurp rainbows for the rest of your life!" It cried in anguish, writhing lethargically as if the very sun was burning its velvety violet coat and brilliant lilac mane. "Urrghhh!" It groaned, its body tensing up as if trying to get up or resurrect itself, or both. "Uuuurrrgh!" It tried again, doing a perfect impression of a landed fish. "Ugh." It gave one last pathetic gasp as it flopped to its side. "Okay, I give up, you win." It conceded defeat. "This is the most powerful pony?!" Naruto cried in despair. "I'd hate to see the second!" "Hey, ponies are really really reaaaaally powerful!" Luna protested, "Woona's sure this isn't even its final form!" A loud, low rumble filled the air. It grumbled, growled, burbled, even squeaked and plinked in places like the sound of an entire household crumbling to bits, kitchen sink and all. Birds abandoned their trees in favour of the safety of the skies. All the babies in the neighbourhood began crying. Then, finally, it settled into a low, quiet babble. Rainbow, Naruto and the tadpoles all stood, transfixed. "Was that...?" Naruto finally broke the silence. "But that's..." Rainbow murmured in disbelief. "I'm hungry..." The corpse sniffled helpfully. "It's hungry." Naruto noted, stiffly. "It's hungry." Rainbow echoed, hollowly. "F-forget rude! T-that tummy's really scawy! A-almost as s-scawy as big sis'!" Luna squeaked. Naruto could almost see the little pony curl up into a protective little ball. Whatever the creature was, its little lilac snout sniffed the air curiously, its fluffy ears perking up as it locked on the ramen. Rainbow's territorial pegasus instincts tingled as she quickly clutched her bowl protectively. She couldn't help but feel a pang of trepidation at the little smirk that spread across the corpse's muzzle. The corpse suddenly came to life as it slammed a hoof into the ground, its brilliant lilac eyes suddenly burning with single-minded determination. Rainbow could feel a subtle tremor snake through the ground in the wake of the hoof stomp. However, being a pegasus, she didn't sense that it was rushing straight for the ramen bowl. The tremor did its job. It gave the bowl the little subteranean nudge it needed. With a soft 'plink' the ramen bowl bounced out of Rainbow's hooves. "H-hey!" Rainbow leapt out after her half-eaten meal. With a grin the corpse gave a few more choice hoof-stomps. Plink...plink....plink... Rainbow dashed from side to side across the training field, chasing after her runaway ramen bowl while it clattered away as if captained by some drunk mariner. "Come to mama~" The corpse finally fully came to life, lifting her hooves out as the ramen bowl leapt obediently into her hooves. "Good colty~" "Oh no ya don't!" Rainbow cried, diving for her stolen meal. "Jeez, why do all the colties bring their exs into my life?" The lilac pony punched one hoof into the ground, sending herself straight up onto her rearhooves. She effortlessly swung from horizontal to vertical as if hinging on the tips of her rearhooves, allowing Rainbow to fall flat on her snout where the lilac pony lay just moments before. "Looks like yer popular with the ladies, colty~" She giggled, nuzzling the ramen bowl. "Not cool! Hand me my ramen back before I hand you one, hard, Berry Punch!" Rainbow barked, wings propelling her onto her rearhooves. "Oh, Ra-man, is that yer name, my colty?" The lilac pony giggled, hugging the ramen bowl in one hoof, "Well, I'm Berry Punch. Pleasure's aaaaaall mine, I'm sure~" "I mean it, Berry!" Rainbow teetered on her rearhooves, balanced by her fluttering wings. "Oh, a kiss? Already? It's only our first date, Mr. Ra-man, but if you insist." The lilac pony, the self-proclaimed Berry Punch, tipped the ramen bowl in one hoof and dipped her snout into the thick smooth broth. Her eyes shot open, glimmering brightly in the late afternoon light. "BERRY BERRY YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" She moaned out loud. "Mmm, not bad for a first kiss, hot stuff~" She giggled, licking her lips. "Fowsooth, Woona thinks she likes wamen too." Luna helpfully pointed out. "...maybe a wittle too much." She added, with a hint of disgust. Can't blame her, the way the lilac pony's flanks were swaying almost criminally. "Nooooo! Ramen!" Rainbow gasped, "H-how dare you taint my poor sweet ramen!" She growled, trembling from mane to hoof. "B-Berry, y-you...you suck!" "I swallow too." Berry took another gulp of ramen. "MMmmmyeaaaaaaaaah!" "Berry, I used to hate you." Rainbow growled. "Now? I super hate you." "Should I be doing something?" Naruto asked from where he sat idly alongside the rest of the audience, the three dumbstruck fillies. "Um, big sis says ponies have a great kay-pass-city for forgiveness." Luna said, "So Woona's sure they'll hug and be nice to each other real soon!" WHAM The two ponies had soft furry hooves buried in each other's soft furry faces. "You were saying?" Naruto asked. "Um, they, um, must've tried to hug but missed!" Luna said, "The sun must've gotten in their eyes! Naughty sun! Last time the naughty sun got in places it didn't belong we lost our second moon! And they blamed poor wittle Woona for it! The nerve!" "Well, better stop them from hugging each other again before someone loses an eye." Naruto got to his feet. "Hey, you two..." He looked up to find that in the brief moment it took him to get up his new friend had been sent to the ground, twitching helplessly. "H-Hey! S-stop-aaaaaaaaaaaah!" Rainbow moaned loudly at the mare sitting side-saddle on her back, gently stroking a hoof through her wings. "W-what a-are y-you doing?!" "Other than you? Just your hoof fu accu-pressure points." Berry shrugged, expertly hooking a hoof under one wing covert. "L-Like h-hay they are-aaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Rainbow cried, face turning the colour of Berry's coat. "Silly Rainbow. When was the last time you preened these, hmmm." Berry giggled saucily. "Looks like I'll have to....whoah!" She swayed backwards just in time to avoid a well-aimed high-kick from the Orange one. She limply rolled off Rainbow's back just in time to avoid the kick hooking her from behind in its return. She rolled through the dirt, switching hooves to keep her ramen bowl upright, before rolling onto her rearhooves once more. "Hey, colty, I don't do threesomes, at least not sober." "Well, too bad. You just hurt my friend!" Naruto barked, standing in between Rainbow and Berry. "Yeah!" Luna called out helpfully to nobody at all. "S-s-so g-good...u-ugh." Rainbow moaned one last time before falling flat on her face. "...Well, you did something to my friend!" Naruto corrected himself quickly. "Double yeah...Woona thinks!" Luna added helpfully. "Jealous, colty?" Berry shook her head as she took another sip from the bowl of ramen. "Can't blame ya." She smirked, licking her lips. "Everypony wants a taste of Berry Punch." "I summoned you! My team, my rules! Those who steal ramen are trash! But those who steal ramen from their comrades are worse than trash!!" Naruto snapped, leveling a finger at Berry. "Yeah! Nopony steals wamen! Woona likes Wamen so all the wamen belongs to Woona! So stealing wamen is stealing from Woona! And that's naughty!" Luna cried. "Summoned?" Berry looked around at the training field, tilting her head from side to side. "Had a feeling this isn't happy hour at the Prancing Pony. Can't even tell if I'm too sober or too smashed. Y'know what, I need a stiff one." She raised a lazy hoof towards Naruto. "You look like the punch-first, ask-forgiveness-later type. Plus whatever you are, yer wearin' pants, and I'm really into pants. Like, gettin' into'em. Tell you what, Colty. Let's hoe-down here. You win, I follow yer team and rules and whatever. I win, drinks on you at the nearest feed-bag. Deal?" "I was just going to show you how bad drinking is for your health." Naruto cracked a knuckle. "I'll ace your challenge while I'm at it." "I like you already, colty." Berry grinned, "Cause you's so sporting, I'll let ya win if ya land even one attack on me." "I'd call balls on your bluff, but if it prevents you being renamed 'Berry Punched' I'm cool with that." Naruto dashed forwards, intent on a pre-emptive strike. "Oh, impatient, are we?" Berry raised one hoof into a fighting stance, the other hoof still balancing the ramen bowl. "Clone Technique!" Naruto announced, quickly running through the hand seals mid-dash. Eight clones burst forth from smoke all around him, hitting the ground running alongside him. "Holy horseapples, I haven't even started drinking yet." Berry muttered, eyeing the nine Narutos charging for her. "Which one do I punch?" She murmured to herself, frowning. "Uh, all this thinkin's givin' me a headache. I'll just punch all eighteen of ya!" "She can't count! Woona can! Victory is ours, wittle Nawuto!" Luna declared. "Let me give you a hint." All the Narutos charged in a flurry of punches and kickes. "The way to tell the real one is when you feel him punching you in the face!" The first clone threw out a punch. It met with naught but air as his target swayed out of the way. Another clone launched into a flying kick. This time his target staggered unsteadily away from the kick before falling over backwards out of the way of a roundhouse kick and a punch from two more clones. She fell onto a hoof, curling it comfortably behind her head. "Not feelin' it yet, Colty." She yawned, tipping the ramen bowl to let a little stream of ramen to pour into her mouth. "Mmm, I'm feelin' the ramen more. Can you do it harder?" "She's slipperier than Sasuke when he's in drag!" Naruto muttered as one clone attempted to heel-drop kick the lilac pony while another attempted to land a punch. Both only struck earth as Berry tossed her ramen bowl into the air before snaking backwards. She then rolled away out of the way of two flying curb stomps before rolling back onto her rearhooves. "Alley-oop!" She spun out of the way of another punch as she caught her ramen bowl of the air. "Seriously, all the colties always make me do all the work." Berry sighed, bending over backwards to dodge yet another punch, this time curling one rearhoof behind the Naruto's buttocks, causing him to squeak in fright. She used it to pull herself back upright with frightening speed, meeting the Naruto's face with her own. The other Narutos could only wince in discomfort as the lilac pony locked lips with the horrified clone. There was a long, loud, wet sucking sound reminiscent of some morbid curio being retrieved from the depths of a stuck toilet with a plunger. The unfortunate Naruto did a perfect impression of a street light, going from red to yellow to green in record speed. He was a very worrying shade of purple, eyes rolled backwards in near-catatonia, when he finally exploded into a puff of smoke. "S-s-she's s-s-scarrier t-than big sis!" Luna squeaked in absolute fear, "R-retreat! S-sound the retreat before she does t-that, t-that...whatever that was to all of us!" "Too hot for you, Colty?" Berry blew the smoke away. "Whoah, that was cool!" The ramen-coloured tadpole said from the peanut gallery. "What was that she did with her lips anyway?" "It's a special finisher move. Dad uses it all the time when he's fighting with mom." Sweetie Belle said, darkly. "She always stops shouting and he always wins." "Lame. Real ponies let their hooves do the talking. Like Rainbow." Scootaloo huffed. "Yeah, that worked well for her." The ramen-coloured tadpole pointed a hoof at the downed Rainbow, still twitching on the ground. "She moves too much." One Naruto said. "No, rather, I can't tell what she's doing." Another Naruto said, "I've never seen anyone move like that before. It's almost like she's...." "Drunk. Dead drunk." Another muttered. "If she moves too much then just ask her not to. Ask nicely. If it doesn't work, ask harder, and harder, until they do. It's what big sis would do." Luna said, point-of-factly. "Stop her from moving, huh." All the Narutos looked at one another before nodding as they came to the same conclusion. They all leapt into another charge, intent on throwing everything they've got at Berry. "So much attention." Berry sighed, "It's tough being beautiful. But there's enough of Berry to go around. All at once." She stomped a hoof into the ground. "Whoah!" All the Narutos felt a sharp burst of force under their feet launch them all into the air. "W-what j-just...?!" They all cried in unison as they sailed flailing through the air towards the waiting Berry Punch. "It's orange buckin' season!" Berry high-kicked three of the closest Narutos in quick succession straight in his face. "No need to be that sour, Oranges." She added with a wink as all three tried to squeak through their puckered punched-in faces before exploding into bursts of smoke. "Whoah." Her eyes widened as a sandaled foot rushed forth from the smoke straight for her face. The smoke cleared to reveal one Naruto propelled forwards by two others through the air, flying kick aimed right at Berry. Berry dropped into a splits, narrowly dodging the kick. She swayed her upper body forwards, throwing her head into a headbutt. It struck the kicking Naruto right in the fork. "Berry Punch!" She declared her move with relish. "THAT WASN'T A PUUUUUUUUNCH!" The clone shrieked his last words before dispersing into the wind. "Felt more like grape-buckin' than orange buckin' to be honest." Berry followed through by planting her free hoof on the ground, throwing her lower body into the air while maintaining her splits. She then spun her rearhooves like a windmill, catching the two Narutos following behind in the face. "Purple means they're ripe by the way." She said while more clone smoke erupted forth as she righted herself. "I'll show you purple in your mirror tomorrow!" Naruto snapped as he threw out a barrage of shurikens. "That jealous of me, huh? Yeah, once you go purple, you can never go back." Berry simply swayed back and forth drunkenly as four shurikens whizzed past her mane. "Watcha gonna throw at me next? Yer pants?" She asked with a smirk as she took another sip of Ramen. "Hooo, yeah! Throw'em at me! All them pants!" She rasped. A pair of orange pants really did descend upon her, fluttering as it caught the updraft. "Whoah, I must be really drunk now. My wishes are starting to come true!" She threw a hoof up to swipe the pants out of the air. "Now throw me a big bag of gold!!" "I'll do you one better!" A voice came from above. Following closely right behind the pair of pants was a freefalling pantless Naruto. "Take this!" "I don't want those bags." Berry sighed, preparing to stagger out of the way. Her rearhooves, however, felt heavy, or, well, heavier than she'd expect for her when she's relatively sober. She looked down and found that where the shurikens from earlier were there were now four Narutos holding down her rearhooves like the most misshapen orange ball-and-iron shackles. "When did...?" She gasped. She prepared to raise her forehooves to parry the overhead attack but found her free forehoof stuck inside the pants from earlier. "Why is this thing so sticky?!" She demanded, incredulously. "I'm gonna friendship snuggle thee!" Naruto declared, throwing his arms open wide. "We're gonna befriend you!" Luna declared excitedly. "Bewieve it!" "What the buck?!" Berry's eyes widened with horror for the first time. She tossed her ramen bowl out of her remaining forehoof, intent on using it to block. But it was too late. Naruto's arms were already past her defenses, quickly pinning her free forehoof against her side as he pulled her into a snuggle as friendly as a ballistic missile. "Not done yet!" Naruto drew his head back before throwing it forwards, intent on a headbutt of epic proportions. Except he had never fought against equines before. For one thing, ponies had muzzles. He found his lips were the first to make contact with, of all things, hers. There was an awkward silence. It quickly became very pregnant. It then gave birth to many more little awkward silences. "That special finisher move sure is popular, huh." Sweetie Belle finally said, thoughtfully. "I had a feeling Dad had been teaching lots of other ponies." "Hey, you think that special finisher move would work on Diamond Tiara? You know, make her stop bullyin' us?" The ramen tadpole asked aside to her friend. "Eeeew! No way!" Sweetie Belle threw out her tongue in disgust. "You try it and let me know!" "Yeah, okay." The ramen tadpole gave a little nod. "What?!" "Rainbow! The ray-matchawatsit!" The orange tadpole pointed out the freefalling ramen bowl. "Huh, Wonderbolt-captain-wha? Huh?" Rainbow snapped out her reverie just in time to see the freefalling ramen bowl. "Oooh, got it, got it!" She dashed out to catch the bowl out of the air. She caught it with a flourish, throwing a hoof in the air in triumph. "She got it!" She declared, peering into the bowl hungrily. She was greeted by a pathetic little puddle of broth that quickly dried up right before her eyes. "...she don't got it." She whimpered, lips quivering as she fought back tears. "Oranges! There's no more ramen leeeeeeeeft!" She wailed. "Hey, Oranges! Oranges?" She looked around and found the petrified statue that was Berry and Naruto stuck together, lips locked. faces frozen in shock and horror. "Oranges, when you're done fooling around, best summon buddy here's all out of se-, I mean, ramen." She pointed out, impatiently. "AAAAAAARGH! THE REAL ME KISSED A HOOOOOORSE!" A scream finally rang out, shaking what few birds had stubbornly clung to their trees to finally move out into the open sky and seek psychiatric help. "I-I've....nopony has ever...kissed me outright." Berry panted as she sat on her rump, one hoof over her chest. "C-C'mon, Berry, you kiss everypony all the time, but....but....nopony has ever, um, done the kissing, uh." A big puff of steam burst forth from her ears. "First Sasuke...now a horse..." Naruto rocked back and forth, hugging his knees, back towards everyone else. "Hello, Oranges, that sounds tragic and cool and stuff, but we've got a ramen emergency here." Rainbow landed in front of the catatonic ninja and waved a hoof in front of his face. "Oranges? Hey, Oranges?" "Not even ramen can help now." Naruto whispered, clutching his head. "It's over! It's all over!" Slap Naruto blinked, feeling his cheek stinging. He looked up, dazed, at the pony who had just struck him. "Snap out of it." Naruto felt Rainbow's two hooves clasp firmly on his shoulders. They were surprisingly soft and squishy for hooves. "Ramen, Naruto. It's never over." "R-Rainbow..." Naruto sniffled, eyes brimming with tears. "Y-you're right." He chuckled through his tears. "Thank you, Rainbow, for reminding me." "Anytime." Rainbow gave him a big toothy grin. "Now, let's go get us some ramen." "Hey, you!" They both turned to see Berry glaring over at them both. "No, not you, I don't care about you right now." She waved Rainbow aside. "You, what's your name." She demanded, pointing at Naruto. "Uh, Naruto?" Naruto replied, intelligently. "What's a Naruto?" She asked. "A ninja." Naruto said, feeling an overwhelming sense of deja vu come on. Berry eyed him critically, or about as critically as a chronic alcoholic can manage. "I have heard many badass things. But being the bastard son of a knee meeting a jaw? Now I've heard everything." She finally said. "I've played with a lot of cheats, but not one like you." "Cheating, was it?" Naruto raised an eyebrow. "What're you whining about, you got away with a snuggle. Do you want me go kick the wine out of you?" "Hahah, good one. Fine. Berry might not have much but I at least have my words. And I keep'em. You win, Colty. I'll follow yer rules and stuff. 'Sides, got stuff I need to make up my mind on." Berry cleared her throat a little before giving him a nod of approval. Her permanent blush may have grown just a little redder but then it may have been a trick of the sunset. "Yer decent enough...for somepony who throws their pants at mares. Speaking of." She offered the hoof still stuck in his pants. "It really is rather sticky." She added, quirking an eyebrow. "Sticky pants. Why didn't we ever think of that?" The ramen tadpole said. "Cause we don't wear pants." The orange tadpole muttered back. "Why would they be sticky though?" Sweetie Belle asked. "Sticky tags." Naruto replied simply, standing up to reveal his 'The Village Boss Is In' boxers. "Usually used for the sticky bomb tags." "Your jacket would've been easier though." Rainbow pointed out. "Yeah, but she did say she likes getting into people's pants. I like to go the extra mile for poetic justice's sake." Naruto grinned. He didn't want to admit that Berry gave him the idea in the first place. "Hope you're ready to go that extra mile without your pants." Rainbow grinned. "Oh, by the Hokage's wrinkled balls!" Naruto swore, realizing the folly in his plan. On a completely unrelated note, somewhere someplace old man Hokage felt a random chill in his nethers. "Hey, mare with hoof still stuck in some stranger's pants here." Berry pointed out, waving Naruto's pants like a big orange hazard flag. "And while you're at it, you can start explaining why I'm not getting piss-drunk at the Prancing Pony at this time of the day." A relatively less uncomfortable moment later found Berry's hoof liberated from the pant trap and Naruto's relative decency restored. As far as getting Berry up to speed, however... "I see." Berry nodded in understanding. "I didn't get a word of that." ....Berry had all the mental speed of a bottle of absinthe. The only time it picked up speed was in very intimate or very violent moments. "I give up." Rainbow threw up her hooves. "Out of all the ponies you could've summoned here, you brought the one with cider-for-brains." "What's not to get?" The ramen tadpole said. "Narrruto here..." She said, rolling her r's into something approaching an avalanche, "...has a test he needs to pass and cause he kinda sucks by himself he needs somepony to help him out." "And in order to learn pony tek-nicks he needs to evolve wings or a horn. You know, him being an prim-ee-tip ancestor dine-o-sore thing. Which is why he's been trying to find a unicorn. He kinda got Sweetie Belle but she's, well, Sweetie Belle." "Hey! What's that supposed to mean!" Sweetie Belle demanded, indignantly. "What ramen and orange tadpole said." Naruto said. "Applebloom!" Ramen tadpole said irritably. "It's Scootaloo to you, dine-o-sore!" Scootaloo snapped. "Unicorn Smarmycorn." Berry scoffed, rolling her eyes. "You don't need unicorns for that sort of thing. Berry here's got all the magic you need. Trust me." "Really?" Rainbow raised a sceptical eyebrow. "Cause last time you said that we were all behind bars for 2 days for moonshine trafficking." "I'll show you how to make use of good old fashioned honest earth pony magic." Berry said. "You got me at honest." Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Really? You? Honest?" "Yeah, all I need is a big pile of porn magazines." Berry said. "I like where this is going already." Rainbow muttered, oozing with sarcasm. "Easy. Leave it to me." Naruto said with a knowing grin. "Knew I could count on you, Colty." Berry gave him a nod of approval. "For that sort of thing, anyway." "Where are you even going to get that stuff at this hour?" Rainbow asked. "Do I even want to know?" "I have my ways." Naruto gave them all a big grin. A few moments, a crash course on earth pony magic and a quick raid of old man Hokage's new porn stash later.... "Hey, Berry?" Rainbow asked. "What? Can't you see I'm busy?" Berry snapped, flipping a page through the rather questionable magazine before her. It was interestingly titled 'Icha Icha Paradise'. "You really think this is gonna work?" Rainbow asked, pointedly, nodding at the boy sat in a meditative pose, concentrating deeply as he sat atop a large pile of porn magazines. "I have no buckin' idea." Berry gave an non-committal shrug. "But this was your idea to help him out." Rainbow pointed out. "What happened to harnessing 'nature magic' the 'earth pony way'?" "You believe in all that new age hippy baloney?" Berry raised an eyebrow at Rainbow. "Huh, no wonder you hang around Pinkie." "Then, why are you having him try it out?" Rainbow asked. "Cause it's fun, duh." Berry shrugged again. "And why all the porn mags?" Rainbow asked, throwing a hoof out to push Scootaloo back from her latest attempt at sneaking out towards the pile of human porn magazines. "Cause I wanna see what flies as porn around here." Berry shrugged. "Whoah, look at those ears." "You mean earth ponies don't need porn mags to harness their magic?" Rainbow blinked. "Eh, there's the odd occasion." Berry said. "But strictly speaking? I read'em for the plot." "I need to have a word with AJ about all those errands. She's never been a very good liar." Rainbow muttered. "By the way, Berry." "Yeah?" "Is he supposed to actually grow a horn?" "Probably a side effect from all the porn magazines. It can do that to the stallions." Berry said without looking up from her magazine. "And, uh, is he supposed to actually grow wings?" "Not enough porn in the world for that, I don't think" Berry said, "Can't speak for any energy drinks he may be binging on though. He's practically a walking billboard for'em after all." "Uh, cause, he kinda has a horn and a pair of wings now. Oh, and a tail." "Oh, buck."