"Wait a second, I think this might be dangerous." An Argonian clad in Daedric armor said, pointing to a cave.
"Since when was anything dangerous to you?" Another Argonian, this one wearing ebony armor, asked suspiciously.
"I just have a strange feeling that a magical wormhole will suck us up into some strange land, just like a cliché story book." The Daedric armored Argonian said, snorting derisively at the word cliché.
"Raptor, seriously? Out of all the things you could have said, it had to be just that sentence!" The ebony armored one exclaimed exasperatedly.
"Derkeethus, you don't understand the possibilities for what could happen in that cave; it could house a Daedric prince, or even a friggin' portal to Oblivion! A magical wormhole would probably be a nice surprise." Raptor yelled excitedly.
"I understand the probability for us to find those things, and let me tell you, it’s impossibly low." Derkeethus tried to explain.
"You have no idea what could be in there!"
"Raptor, you’re being unreasonable. Let’s just get in, get the loot, and get out. We’ve done this a hundred times before."
Raptor nodded in defeat and the two Argonians entered the cave without any further arguing.
-One hour later-
"WE FINALLY MADE IT DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE DAMNED STAIRS!" Raptor roared in frustration.
"This had better be worth it.” Derkeethus muttered darkly.
Raptor looked to the side and noticed an unusual rock next to a stone slab. Though Raptor had seen no shortage of bizarre objects and artifacts in his time, this rock in particular piqued his interest.
"Hey Derkeethus, go stand on that rock over there."
Derkeethus shrugged in indifference and stepped onto the rock. A blinding flash forced Raptor to shield his eyes, and when he looked back his companion was gone.
Despite his instincts telling him that stepping onto a rock with unknown magical powers was a bad idea, Raptor took in a deep breath and walked towards the rock.
Once Raptor regained his vision, he was greeted with a truly unusual sight. ‘What the hell? Two winged unicorns fighting a chimera?’ He watched the two creatures, one dark blue, the other white, reveal what appeared to be amulets. ‘And if this couldn’t get weirder, now the amulets are firing a magical rainbow beam at the monster. And now the monster is turned into stone. No, that makes perfect sense. Of course there are winged unicorns going around turning creatures into stone, NOTHING ABOUT THIS MAKES ANY DAMN SENSE!’ Convinced that now was not the time to find out if the winged unicorns were friendly, Raptor turned to look for Derkeethus.
Or rather, attempted to turn. ‘Well, it seems as if I’ve become stoned. I suppose a skooma joke is in order.’ Raptor internally fumed. How had he also become stone? He was nowhere near the monster when the beam hit. ‘And now what am I going to do? I can’t very well walk out of here when my legs are rocks. Dammit.’
"S-Sister, what manner of statue is that, and how didst it appear behind us?" the dark blue horse asked upon turning and noticing you. She spoke like royalty, with a hint of fear, probably due to the fact I am in Daedric armor.
“I don’t know, sister. I didn’t see it here when we arrived. Perhaps Discord created it?” The white horse said, uncertainty in her voice.
The dark blue one walked up to Raptor, taking a closer look at the ‘statue’. “It appears to be some sort of dragon in a suit of armor. The detail on the sculpture is incredible, individual scales and imperfections in the armor have been carved with great care. Its face even looks surprised.”
“Yes sister,” The white one spoke again. “either the creator spent years working on it, or Discord in his last moment created his most impressive work of art yet. Well, after flooding the entire Northwestern Badlands with molten silver. That may have been a bit more impressive.”
“And sister, let us not forget when he hung a 5 kilometer long tapestry of himself from the peak of Mount Percheron. That was truly his greatest feat.”
“Yes, that was awe inspiring, but it goes without saying that his transformation of-“
“I WANT OUT!” Were the only words going through Raptor’s head as the two winged unicorns argued over which of the stone chimera’s (Who was by their accounts a truly impressive sorcerer Raptor had to admit) achievements was greatest. The only source of relief for Raptor was the knowledge that any minute now his faithful companion Derkeethus would come to the rescue. Any minute now.
-One thousand years later-
“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU oh wait, I think the stone around me is actually cracking a little now.”
Raptor helplessly looked out of his stone prison as the chimera dubbed ‘Discord’ was petrified a second time by a group of six ponies. That isn’t to say that he would have helped Discord if he could, hell, he hated him just as much as everyone else seemed to.
The six ponies wielding the amulets took a collective sigh of relief as Discord lay petrified on the grass. Though Raptor hadn’t exactly had many conversations in the last millennium, he’d heard plenty. He was just as happy as the ponies that Discord had been petrified by the Elements of Harmony.
But what made him even happier was the feeling of cracked stone he noticed. Either a millennium of weather had finally taken its toll, or Discord or the Elements had done something to break Raptor’s seal. He didn’t care much about how, he was more concerned with finally being free. ‘Once I’m finally free from this damned prison, I can go back to adventuring. I wouldn’t mind getting back into the routine of killing monsters and collecting loot. I wonder how long ago Derkeethus died… oh well. I haven’t seen him petrified, but honestly I wouldn’t put it past the unicorns or alicorns to have some sort of life-extending spell. Maybe I’ll look for him for a bit.’
The yellow pony turned her head and noticed Raptor’s statue cracking. She tried to warn her friends, but they were too busy talking to notice her or the cracks. By the time she got their attention the stone casing had fallen down, revealing the Argonian. They recoiled in horror, at least all of them except for the pink one.
The white unicorn let out a terrified shriek and staggered backwards. The orange one seemed a bit braver. “Ah can tell this one ain’t nothin’ like Discord, but… what is it?”
"Greetings miniature horses, I am finally released and I come in peace." My voice boomed a bit louder than intended, and all the ponies looked at me with a mix of confusion and fright.
“You say that, but your appearance implies anything but that. We have no reason to trust you. Why in Equestria should we believe you?” The purple unicorn the others had called Twilight said under her breath.
"Huh? What’s so scary about me?" Raptor asked, perplexed.
"Well, why ever would you wear that simply ghastly armor if you were a good pony?" The white one, Rarity, asked.
"Because I want to go to the fancy ballet and not get killed by ninja pandas." Raptor said, sarcasm dripping from his voice.
The ponies just stared at him as if he was an idiot for a minute. It seemed like maybe the rainbow and pink ones understood it was sarcasm, but they didn’t react beyond rolling their eyes.
*crickets*
“Sooo, that had sounded a lot better in my head. Anyways, screw you guys or whatever, I’m going to go loot some shit. See you around!”
“Twilight, what was tha-“
“I don’t know, and right now I don’t care. We just dealt with Discord; we’re not getting another monster on our hooves.”
“Good call.”
-In Canterlot Castle-
Celestia stared ahead at the Argonian. Apparently his name was Raptor, and he had been freed from a statue when Discord was imprisoned a second time.
She took a breath and began. “As much as it pains me to tell you this, I’m afraid we simply cannot allow you to roam free in Equestria for the time being. By your account, your occupation seems to be killing others and stealing. Obviously this cannot be allowed in Equestria. And as several citizens and law enforcement agents have already testified, you’ve stolen food and money from over two dozen homes so far, and killed at least thirty four protected animals from the National Equestrian Wildlife Preserve. On top of that, all these crimes were committed in the space of less than two days. The evidence that you have committed these acts is undeniable, and they cannot go unpunished.”
Celestia sighed. “I shall ask you one final time, as a chance for you to come clean, do you plead guilty or not guilty?”
“Do. You. Have. Any. Sweet. Rolls.”
“Excuse me?”
“DO. YOU. HAVE. ANY. SWEET ROLLS.”
"Will the defendant please explain what a sweet roll is, and why said sweet roll is at all relevant to the case?" The prosecuting attorney asked.
“Raptor, please explain the relevancy of sweet rolls.” Celestia said with a sigh.
”SWEET ROLLS MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU HAVE THEM YOU RAINBOW HAIRED HORSE BITCH?"
Princess Celestia stared ahead with a vacant look in her eyes. She had absolutely no idea what in Tartarus this ‘Argonian’ was hoping to achieve. All she wanted was to get him out of her hair and to never see him again.
“Raptor, please step out of my hair.”
Raptor stepped out of Celestia’s flowing mane and walked back to his assigned seat.
“Raptor, I find you guilty of all charges. I hereby sentence you to 35 years in prison, with chance of probation after 10 years.”
“Bitch.”
“What did you say? You can be held in contempt of court you know; flippant remarks aren’t going to make your sentence any lighter.”
“I said biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttccccccccccccccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Princess Celestia had seen a lot. She had been through more hardships than nearly any living being on the planet. She had overthrown tyrants, quelled rebellions, and slain eldritch horrors that if looked upon would cause a normal pony to go mad. But now she just wanted to go home.
“All right everyone, I admit it. I goofed, I made a mistake. But there is one last thing I’d like to say to you all.” Raptor said, raising his hands in surrender.
“And that is?”
”OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT OUTSIDE THE WINDOW!?”
No one looked towards the window. Celestia glared at Raptor. Her patience was near infinite, but there was no need to waste it on such trivial matter as this.
“Heh, all right, good job guys. You didn’t fall for that one. I can accept it. You win some, you lose some. But what about… THIS!” Raptor turned and delivered a wild two handed haymaker, his cuffed fists slamming down on a nearby guard’s skull.
Raptor then vanished from sight, and rapid footsteps were heard moving towards the doorway. The door was kicked open, and the footsteps moved quickly down the hall.
“GUARDS, AFTER HIM!” The Lieutenant Guard roared, sending three armored earth ponies sprinting towards the door.
“No,” Princess Celestia said calmly. “it will only lead to further violence if we further pursue him at this point. We underestimated him and were not aware of his magical ability. We must wait and leave his capture to trained anti-mages on the police force.”
‘This should allow him to escape, and keep the two of us from coming into contact for a while. Here’s to hoping the imbecile is smart enough to evade the guards stationed around the courthouse.’ Celestia thought to herself.
Raptor hummed happily to himself as he raided the kitchen pantry of its supply of cheese wheels. Why a courthouse had such a large kitchen was a mystery to him, as was the enormous quantity of cheese wheels. Had Raptor been a slightly more astute Argonian he also might have been perplexed as to how he could fit so many cheese wheels on himself, but the thought never crossed his mind.
As he left the kitchen, leaving behind a pantry absent of cheese wheels and with a broken pair of cuffs on the floor, Raptor realized something. He had no plan for where to go after escaping.
After exiting the courthouse and walking a couple blocks, Raptor became visible and turned to ask a nearby pony for directions. He wasn’t sure where he wanted to go. He knew he didn’t feel ready for an Equestrian brothel, so maybe he’d just find a dungeon to raid.
“Excuse me, do you know where a good dungeon is? And also, have you ever heard of a place by the name of Windhelm?”
“Uh… maybe you can find something that suits your tastes in the red-torch district, but I’ve never heard of Windhelm before.” The stringy maned grey stallion answered.
“Alright, well how about Whiterun?”
“Never heard of it.”
“Skyrim?”
“Nope.”
“Okay then, uh, do you happen to have anything valuable inside your saddlebag?”
“Inside my saddleba- what in Tartarus does that have to do with anything? Are you some kind of thief?”
“Of course not good horse, I am here as part of the National Equestrian Valuables and Currency Inspection Bureau. Our acronym is N.E.V.C.I.B. It’s not very catchy so we don’t say it much, explaining why you’ve never heard of us before. Just let me examine the contents of your saddlebag and I’ll be on my way.”
“Don’t touch me motherbucker, I’m callin’ the cops.”
“Please, do not be upset,”
“POLICE, POLICE!”
Raptor made a grab for the stallion’s saddlebag, but was bucked in the chest when he tried. He staggered back and turned around to come face to face with a police pony.
“Stop right there, criminal scu-“
The policepony was cut off as Raptor’s fist connected with his jaw, knocking him out cold. Raptor quickly shuffled through the policepony’s belongings, taking his identification, money, and baton. As he turned to see where the grey stallion was, he saw him turning a corner a block away.
“Well shit, I let that guy get away. I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me.”
The policepony reached upwards and bit Raptor’s hand.
“DAMMIT, THAT HURT!” Raptor cried out as he shook his hand loose and kicked the pony unconscious again.
Two hours later Raptor was walking down a road leading out of Canterlot. He didn’t really know where he was going, and didn’t really care. Maybe he’d look for Derkeethus. Or maybe not, the guy might be dead. Or maybe he’d go fuck himself. Probably not, but it was still a valid option. Raptor shrugged and walked onwards into the sunset. ‘This really would be better if I was riding a horse or something. Too bad they’re all too small here. Maybe I can just skip instead.’
Raptor skipped off into the sunset, his Daedric armor clattering.