"Help, help, help!" I yelped, blinded and flailing my arms and legs to no avail. "Someone fucking help me!" I could feel my heart racing as I flailed about like mad. "Cosmic, mom, Dust, dad!?" I felt something hold me down, pinning me. "Come on this isn't--"
"You're like a scared lamb!" Cosmic shouted, her magic pulling a sheet away and clearing my vision. She sat on the other end of a large bed, neck sat in a pillow. "There, better? Ya big baby."
I took a few deep breaths and looked around. "...Cosmic, why- oh...oh yeah...." I peered down, finding my neck ending into a pillow, "...I'm really fighting the urge to scream right now."
Cosmic flicked her right ear, "Oh come on, it's not so bad! I mean now I can't help but feel a bit more connected to ya'!" She started snickering, "You're sure as buck not as connected to yourself!"
I shot my arm out, swinging my arm wildly. "God damn it!" I yelled, flailing at the air. "What's the fucking point of still having my body if I can't fucking see it!" I grabbed at the air, eventually taking hold of something living. "Wait- I got--" I felt the warm coated creature try to pull away. "It's a pony!"
Cosmic rolled her eyes. "Oi, set em down! I dropped ya off in the hospital, so stop screwing with the medics!"
I glared at Cosmic, setting the pony, that could by all rights be miles away, down. "Fine...now where am I!? And I mean...I mean right here, and right-" I flailed my arms around, "-here- where's my body?"
Cosmic turned her nose up at me. "Canterlot, with the prissy ponies, the pompous gits that everypony loves to hate." She lowered her gaze back to me, sporting a rather neutral expression. "I wanted to go to Trottingham, but the princess said she didn't want me leaving with all the stuff we brought." She smiled wide, "I'm a royal Thaumologist now. " an annoying amount of pride riding her words. "What are you?"
I resumed my bitter stare. "...The man you begged to fuck you."
Cosmic's smug grin faded immediately. "...Smart ass prick." She was quickly joined by Dust, who sat between us, planting herself in the middle of the bed and looking at us. "Anyways.... Both passed out on the train, and by the time I woke up we were back in Canterlot. The driver carried us back, kind lad he is, and brought us to the hospital."
I looked around the prissy white room, staring at the soft silky sheets that adorn the bed I was sat on. "That doesn't answer my question. Where am I?"
Cosmic blew a strand of hair out of her face. "Canterlot. We're in a pretty sweet inn, your lower half is in hospital." Cosmic looked around the room with a smile. "The princess left each and every thing we nabbed with me! She said I'm the most experienced, and she wants me to catalog everything!" A small booklet levitated out from behind her. "Look, I did all this already! I handed over the cure for Rift Sickness, I helped categorize the stars--"
I cocked an eyebrow, "You did all that in a day?"
Cosmic's wicked smile grew extremely wide. "More like...a month, and a half." She levitated the book away, laughing at me. "Ya' look mad."
I took a deep breath, feeling my body shake violently. "Yeah...I'm a little mad...just a little." I felt a few sets of hooves press into my body, holding me down. "I swear to god I wish I could melt your head with my stare!"
Cosmic just started giggling, "Well I feel great! Things are great, I've got a job, magical shit out my arse, I got to jam food down your throat and I can do this! Wooo-" she levitated a sheet over my head, "-ooop!"
I just stared at Cosmic's general direction, remaining completely silent. The smell of fresh clean cotton graced my nose, not even putting a dent in my rage. "Cosmic, get this fucking sheet off my face, now."
I felt the sheet fly off my head, Cosmic looking a bit scared for the first time in my life. "...You're mad."
"Very." I stated, still not breaking my bitter stare. "Now how about someone takes me to my body, before I find a way to kill people just by fucking looking at them!" I shouted, causing Dust to flinch and Cosmic's cocky smile to falter. "...Now Cosmic!"
Cosmic peered over at Dust, "Um...wow, so you're actually mad--"
"Cosmic!"
"Alright! Jeez." Cosmic made a clicking sound, causing Dust to jump upright. "Gods...you're so mad...." She grew a bit red and turned her head.
I watched as Dust picked me up and put me into the saddle on her back. "...I'm mad because my fucking head is detached from the rest of me!"
"It's not that big--"
Dust slowly made her way to the door, leaving me to yell at Cosmic, "Don't get butt hurt because I called you out! Just fix this!"
Cosmic started sputtering and growing even redder. "My arse isn't hurt, ya prick!"
"Shut up!" I snapped, watching the prissy bedroom fade way into a rather huge livingroom. "...Dust...if you had a head I'd kiss you." I mumbled, relaxing as we slowly sauntered out of what was apparently a manor. Dust picked up her hooves a little more after I finished my praise. Her slow walk turned into a rather jolly gait.
I closed my eyes, trying not to get sick as I bobbed and flailed around Dust's saddle. Her jaunty walk was so bouncy and spastic I felt like letting myself see would only add to the growing motion sickness. "Oh god...Dust...calm down...I'm gonna be sick." Dust complied, slowing down and leaving me much more stable. "Oh god thank you...."
I opened my eyes, braving the burning sun. The capitol, Canterlot, was brisk. Its trees lay barren and the faintest hint of rain lingered in the air. The occupants of the city seemed to be settling into fall quite nicely. I just let out a soft sigh, I'd been in Equestria for a few months, and by far the most impressive thing about it was the changing of the seasons, something I'd apparently missed.
I pushed it aside and tried to focus on the path. The well maintained streets of Canterlot were rather sparse, most people undoubtedly trying to get away from the brisk cold and settling in with their loved ones. Meanwhile I was left to be carted around towards the hospital, absolutely no control over my life.
"You did what!?" an extremely scratchy, gruff voice cried out from ahead.
"I did not think anything would happen! They're not even ponies, or us!" A more shrill but equally scratchy voice shot back.
"Dov, idiot, idiot, you Vakala!"
"I'd rosva' ne' Vakala! Dross var-amina!" the voices divulged into a scratchy language. Dust looked around, drawing my attention to a red haired duo on the other side of the street.
She stepped out and trotted over to the foreign duo. We stood next to them as the two stallions continued to bicker. "...Uh, you alright?" I asked, stopping the two cold.
"We're- Visduk, almini!" the higher pitch one screamed, "What is this!?"
I stared at the panicky stallion. "...What, never seen a decapitated head on a headless pony's back before? It's really not that uncommon you know...."
The two ponies just stared at me. One with a tired look, the other with one of terror. The obviously older one with a beard shook his head. "Dov...does this really surprise you? We leave Translymania, what did you expect to see!? Did you not want to experience new things!? Did you not want to get them pregnant!? Is that what you, didn't, want!?"
I started shaking my head. "What even are you two? You look...weird."
The older one turned to me, "...The same could be said of you, bodiless."
"Touche." I shot back, Dust messing with the younger one while I spoke with the elder. "So...what are you?"
The older stallion looked over at the younger. "...You say, bat ponies. And you?"
I felt a strange itch on my head, unable to scratch I tried to ignore it. "Human...who...got really, really unlucky."
The elder nodded, "...I understand misfortune. Perhaps not to your extent, but this one-" he threw his hoof out at the younger, "-started having sex with everything he could. Didn't think hu--"
"Didn't think humans and ponies could make babies?" I asked with a laugh.
The elder let out a gruff huff, "Yes...by the time we found out he had a harem...."
I nodded, nearly falling off as Dust reared up and hugged the younger. "Yeah we- whoa- we got that speech a while ago. Don't fuck unless you want a little abomination! By some...Muslim."
The elder cocked his head. "I don't know what that is...but I need to help this one sort out his love life--"
The younger pushed Dust aside, nearly sending me flying. "Perhaps it is you that should sort yourself! Your little book mare is going to--"
The elder slammed his hoof into the younger's face, pushing him aside. "At any rate...I am Carve, it has been...interesting."
I nodded, "Jason, It's been fun. I mean besides the tragic shit that's been going on...."
Carve closed his eyes and nodded. "Truly we live in interesting times."
"Interesting, really doesn't do it justice. Now come on, Dust, let's get going!" We slowly started off towards the hospital, "Heeya!" I shouted, doing my best interpretation of a Texan.