//------------------------------// // Peanutbutter Makes a Mess! // Story: Discord's Diary // by 007Delta //------------------------------// Beware, privacy invading pony! Beyond this line details the daily trials and tribulations of a devilishly handsome, marvelously powerful, stupendously magnificent, and humbly reformed Draconequus, writing his most inner thoughts and deepest secrets into the easily penetrated confines of paper and ink, which I see your prying, little hooves have managed to penetrate. What was that? Why in the Equestria would an eternal being, such as myself, even deign to take the time out of his immortal life to catalog the mundane events that will surely bore you to tears? You see, ol’ Sunbutt gave me a “Reformative Exercise” as she called it. Yes, as if her fancy wording is going to throw me off the real intention behind her actions. She simply wants to relish in the fact that she has given the former lord of chaos homework. Well, not wanting to upset her majesty, I readily obliged, and now I am to update a sort of diary, and send it to her by dragonfire every week. I sure don’t hope my clumsy little claw doesn’t slip and, erm, accidentally send her the entirety of the Royal Library above her horn. Oh, I can only imagine the pain and woe that would become of such a sincerely unintentional happenstance like that. But I would never! I’m reformed!” Anyhow, where shall I begin? In my eons upon epochs of years in existence, I could choose any of the edge-of-your-seat moments in my personal history, like the epic battle between the two sisters I had so long ago… or perhaps my mysterious and enigmatic birth into existence! Maybe my formative years, where I learned that the world was much harsher than I ever thought, or my tense, moral folly where I chose to betray my friends, only to be betrayed in the end! Oh yes! I found a bit on the ground an hour ago. So there I was, In the badlands just south of Aplloosa, just thinking. You see, when I’m feeling deep and emotionally angsty, I go there and think. I was, sitting atop a boulder, the sun beating down onto the brown, crispy land. I was, as I am most of these days, terribly bored. One of the downsides of being reformed, is I have essentially traded my ability to entertain myself for the acceptance of others. Now I’m not saying that I regret this decision, but if there is one thing that Tirek made me realize, it’s that. So instead of spending my time, gifting the presence of chas to others, I sit alone in isolation, making chaos with myself. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I must say I do love that little face, but that anyway... back to the point. I was chilling out, relaxing, maxing all cool, turning the rocks around me into a new creature I've invented. They look awful similar to your average bunny rabbit, except they have trumpets for mouths. They burst into life with little sparks of color, before roaming around the area and making little “noot noot!” noises, and they were adorable like nobody's business. So here I am, playing amongst my noot noots, when through the distorted air of the heat waves, I notice something. I used my hands and extended my eye into a telescope, and soon was surprised to see a truly horrible creature. There on the horizon, was an enormous two headed dog. I immediately recognized the creature as an Orthros, having remembered a conversation I had with Fluttershy about them just a week or so earlier. It seemed to be in a rampage, stomping about the desert. What was that? Why was there an Orthros in the middle of the desert? Well don’t ask me, I'm not responsible for everything, you know. ... For those of you who are still suspicious of the credibility of this, I’ll have you know that the third or fourth thing that came to my mind was, ‘I should take this to Princess Celestia! She’s wise and responsible, she will know exactly what to do with this mystical and obviously dangerous creature.’ But then I thought, ‘What if she doesn’t like it?’ because I am such a worrywart. But then, I had the most perfect solution to my problem, that I simply clasped my hands together mischievously with joy! I’ll take it to Ponyville! If they like, Sunbutt is sure to! I had to take some safety precautions of course, so I carefully ran up to it, and weaved a magical leash of unbreakable energy and held the furious beast in place. Then off I was! with a blink of magic and a snap of my fingers, I was in the main square of Ponyville, with terrified ponies of all three races, scattering about the street. They loved him! The looks of abject horror painted a picture I would be blind not to see. How could anyone not love this several ton organism of slobber and anger issues? And there it was. just sitting there all alone in it’s glory, waiting for my eye to catch sight of it! A tiny little golden bit! What kind of jaded, stuffed up, blue-blooded monster would I be to simply leave it there? I bent over to pick it up, stopping to flip into the air and catch it in my claw, admiring it in the sunlight. How pretty is money, right? and then I take a look closer, and guess what? It’s a rare date! bits from the 6th age that were magically minted in the griffon kingdoms are stupid rare. I was just finding neat stuff all over the place! That’s when I went to go show my sick loot to the Orthros, only to find my giant, two headed dog missing. “Peanutbutter?” I called out. “Where are you, you silly puppy?” But he was nowhere to be found. I took a careful look around the area, before noticing something I hand’t noticed before. There, in the middle of one of the many cottages in Ponyville, was a curiously dog shaped hole, revealing another cottage with another odd dog shaped crater inside of it. I could see clean through the two houses, and at the very end of it, I saw a flurry of brown fur and rubble as the little devil tore through a third. “Oh Peanutbutter, you’re so silly!” I called after it, running gleefully after the playful little ball of fur. Though I must confess, It was awful hard to even hear myself through the terrified screams of the resident equines. Oh, I must've let go of his leash! I just realized that now. That’s how he got away. So there I was, chasing after my lost puppy as he rampaged out of grief for loss of his dear master. What a tragic story to tell Celestia! Surely she will share my sympathies. So I chased after Peanutbutter, only to find him bounding wildly towards the outskirts of the little town, before disappearing into the Everfree forest. To which point I shrugged and began walking back into town. For some reason, the local ponies kept giving me these awful looks. I couldn't quite figure out why they were all so mad at me. After all it was Peanutbutter who had done the damage, not me, and now he's gone off and ran from his master. Sorry, Tia but I guess you won't get to see him after all. I was strutting back into town, feeling awfully insecure about those faces ponies were giving me, until I was faced with a rather familiar purple one. Oh, I must say she gets her temper from her teacher! Never had I received such a browbeating from a princess who hadn't usurped me in the past. I thought she was going to turn me into a statue by the end of it all! But yes, blah blah reformed, yadda yadda friendship, something or other about a dog, and she made me apologize in front of everyone and fix their houses, undoing all the fun I had just had. She's a bigger party pooper than Luna! And not even you can deny that one, Sunbutt. But yes, yes, that is the price I pay for the friendship of dear Fluttershy. So in conclusion, I'd like to say I've had a fun day, and I hope you enjoyed making me into a schoolboy. Kisses! - Discord P.S. Sorry about the library, Celestia! I swear I jinxed myself on that one.