"Lord" Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
The Lord was sitting in his pleasant abode in the city of RAAGH, a human city. After decades of adventuring, the fifty-year old Master Axeman had finally raised enough money to finally rest, much to the joy of his wife, Jiing of the Unpleasant SparkleButts, who was his companion in his adventures. The Lord then made this home with his own hands, and in a month, his wife was pregnant with twins. Years traveled on and on since then, and so now Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts watched as his wife made dinner for him and their two little boys, Urist of the Urist and Urist Urist Urist, who were currently sparring outside before dinner. The boys were, like their father, gifted in the art of killing. They were both born with an Accomplished level in both shield and Axemanship, and they have both become legendary at the age of twelve. Urist Urist Urist and Urist of the Urist, though, are very competitive, unlike their father, so they get in fights unlike any boys their age—with actual axes. Nobody ever gets hurt, though, for their father always wrestles them to the floor and tickles them out of their bloodlust—which they did inherit from their father.
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, although he will not ever admit it, was afraid of his children, but not because of his skill. It is because he, when he was young, aimed his bloodlust at his father. At the age of eighteen, the Lord challenged his father for the ownership of the "The Blood Runner". The Lord lost to his father, of course, and was then ridiculed by his father for being weak. It was then, during the middle of the night, when the Lord ran away from home to become an adventurer... but that was decades ago. Urist never found out what happened to his father after his departure, but he did discover his old house when he was thirty. The house was abandoned and worn down, and when Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts went to see what happened to the family there, the town didn't know either. It was only at the age of thirty-five where Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was able to finally control his bloodlust and start to calm down. The Lord then met Jiing of the Unpleasant SparkleButts, whom helped him calm down further until he finally decided to rest.
The Lord worried that, like their father, his children will seek either his blood, or each others' blood. In fact, Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts was so scared, that after he finished the meal his wife cooked, he looked at his kids.
"Sons," The Lord said, "I am signing you up to be Imperial Warriors."
Expecting a backlash, the Lord hung his head in anticipation and shame.
"Fucking finally, old fuck!" Urist Urist Urist yelled, his brother headbanging in agreement.
The kids flipped the table, and said in unison, "We're going to be fucking heros, bitches!"
Thirty years later, the goblin king sieged the final human town, RAAGH. The frontline against the siege consisted of Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, his twins who had become Axelords, his wife who was a Legendary crossbow woman, and a few dozen other human lords. The attackers had hundreds of thousands of goblin grunts. The siege attack lasted months, for no goblin could pass through the defenses of twenty eighty-year old axelords and the twin axelords. Any goblin that tried was instantly decapitated and thrown back into the crowd to firmly lodge into the brain of some other poor sod. Sadly, though, their numbers were far too many for the town and, within a day, a group of one-hundred crossbow goblins decimated the frontline. Urist of the Urist was slain, Urist Urist Urist became enraged, and Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts became enraged. The Lord and his son ran down the defenses and straight into the thousand-strong army. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts sliced and diced every goblin he could while his son provided back-up for his aged father, and after some time, the goblins finally retreated. It was at this time that Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts realized that everything was over, for he would not be around for long. He went to his son's dead body and put it in his backpack.
"My son," The Lord said to Urist Urist Urist, "this empire is doomed, but not all is lost, for we are here."
His son nodded, his eyes clouded in tears and goblin blood. He drank the blood from his eyes.
"We need to disperse. I will go and make Urist of the Divine Urist into some form of undead, while you go and attempt to assassinate the vampiric goblin king, ok?"
"I," Urist Urist Urist said, "I agree, but what about mom?"
The Lord turned to his wife, who then turned to him quizzically, and he said, "will you prepare our graves for us?"
His wife nodded, a slight smile on her face, and began digging into the ground with her crossbow.
He turned to his son one last time and said, "Now fuck off, you SQWUAK"
"Lord" Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts, "Master Axeman"
Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts woke up from his dream. The Lord sighed and dug into his backpack. The Lord got some good meat to eat, and then realized something. He pulled out his son from the backpack and laid him across the field. Urist of the Divine TwinkleButts then bit his son's corpse in the neck, in an attempt to revive him with his curse. The Lord slurped all over his son's neck, but after an hour, began to suspect that this was not enough. The Lord shoved his son back into his backpack. The Lord then looked at his map, determining which town to drink blood from next...