//------------------------------// // Let's Make a Deal! // Story: One Crazy ... Crazy Family // by Dragon Fruit //------------------------------// Did I just hear that right? I reach into my bunny ears and pull out an inflatable pool turtle ring, a bushel of apples, and an purple masked fox. The fox put on the ring, swiped the bushel of apples, and slunked off into the woods. Somewhere, I'm sure a little girl and her Boots are thanking me. Discord's ears dissappeared in a flash and he straightened up in the air. There was very, very few times when Celestia managed to surprise him, and every time she had, it ended badly. Doing his best to hide his surprise he did the only thing he could: let his jaw drop straight to the floor, the whole three feet. Then realizing that this was just an elaborate prank he began to laugh. Who knew the nag still had some jokes in her! "Discord stop that at once" He only laughed harder. "Dearest Celestia, who've thought that after all these years, you still had a sense of humor?! My Faust, this is delicious! Me adopting a-" "I'm serious Discord" ...... ..... ..... Well, this is an unexpected development. I floated down onto my foot and hoove, carefully studying the Nag-do-well. Stoic, stiff, all pomp and piff, and absolutely in Her Highly-ness mode. The female jig-a-boo's actually serious about this. She expects me, the Great and Powerful Discord (hit the road Trixie) to play house daddy to a pony! I feel the red crawling up my tail. But being the wonderfully diplomatic me, I try to sweet talk my way out of it. "No in Faust's bucking name way" She sighed as if she expected this. Now the glorified rainbow rag is thinking me predicable! How dare she, the insipid...the, the... Red's slid up my lower half. She's still glaring at me. "Discord-" "No. There is no way I'm becoming anybody's filly daddy" Interpret that how you will. "It would be to your benefit" There was a pop, and Discord had his face pressed against Celestia's (who impressively neither flinched, nor changed her expression. Also impressive, Discord managed not to get his eyes, nose/general facial area, poked on that ridiculously long pole on her forehead) giving her a good view of the red climbing up his neck. "How, pray tell," he said in a sing song voice that did not match his now serious, and devilishly handsome, eyes, "does me, the king of chaos, benefit from something as tedious, as boring, and ...ugh" he shuddered, "as responsible, as parenthood?" "You'll earn your freedom." She let that hang the air for a moment as I felt the red immediately drain from me. Now before we continue let me tell you a wonderful little story, about a poor handsome dragonesque and a cruel evil Alicorn queen (And it’s NOT Nightmare Moon). Once upon a time, the evil queen was threatened by the handsome dragonesque because he was prettier, wiser, and an all around more fun and better pony than she ever could be. So one day she and her just as evil but slightly weaker sister ganged up on the handsome dragonesque, turning him into stone for a thousand years, and leaving him to spend his days in the middle of a gaudy garden, to grow moss that itched so very badly on parts he could never scratch, surrounded by birds that used him like a port-a-potty, and giving ponies tours around him to laugh in his face. Then one fateful day, three fillies on one of these Humiliate-the-Dragonesque tours managed to help him break out of his stone prison (thank Faust for petty filly fights) to which his graciousness paid them back in kind by NOT turning them into pineapples (which now that I think about it, means I don’t have to give them a thank-you deed, oh goody). However, our hero’s freedom was short lived, as the evil Alicorn queen sent her ugly (except Fluttershy), cruel (except Fluttershy), and brainwashed (....) stooges to return him to his stone prison. He fought valiantly with power and wit, but was sadly out numbered (NOT outmatched, and the poor thing was just recovering from the past millenniums. Talk about kicking a pony while he’s down) and once again sealed away. Then the evil princess had a plan. She had an evil plan. She had an awfully meanie beanie, evil trampoline-ie plan! She had her stooges free the poor dragonesque, assigning one in particular with the task of training him to come at the queen’s beck and call! He tried to resist, at one point, trying to flee in the night, only to face the evil queen once again. Apparently when he was being released the second time, she had cast a terrible curse: his powers were all but gone, his once unlimited power reduced to that of mere unicorn parlor tricks! He could not leave Equestria, he could not come and go as he once pleased. In fact, her own personal student (the only one other than Starswirl the Bearded that he hadn’t driven out) was equal to him in power (But Faust forbid the ignorant mare should ever know that, or it’s dragonesque kabobs for din-din) and could take him down in a fight. For those who don’t know what this means, it meant that if Draggie put one little toesie out of line, it’s back to the stony lonesome….literally. However, coming to realize that his new pony caretaker was only a brainwashed victim of a much larger scheme, he convinced the kind pony not to use her weapon to harm him ever again, all the while suffering under the cruel, unmerciful words and treatment of her fellow (and much much meanier and dummber mind you) meat puppets. The End. Who said heroes always get a happy ending? Most certainly not me. Discord squinted his eyes and crossed his arms at the Windingo incarnate. As the spirit of chaos, he needed room to do his work, and having severely limited magic really did cut into his chaos quotas. However, he too was once a ruler, and other than the obvious request, any possible reward comes with more than one string attached. “Freedom to what extent?” No, no, he wasn’t really considering it, but let’s just say he wanted to humor Celestia Almighty. Let’s just see what she’d be willing to offer. “All of your powers completely restored, and free reign to do as you wish with them so long as it does not harm anypony. ” “And other than the return of my power, how is that any different than what I do right now?” It’s a fair question is it not? I’ve messed with ponies heads, scared them out of their wits (such as the flower incident with Miss Magic Pants and Princess Lovey-Dovey), and all and all grace them with my splendiforous presence, but I’ve never done anything to actually harm a pony. “You’ll never have to take another order from me again. Whether you decide to help Equestria or not will be completely of your own violation." "With no interference from you or you pony parole patrol? "...none." Now that was a tempting offer. Discord pondered Celestia's offer, sipping a cup of tea. On the one hand, if he did this, he'd be free of the royal pain in his flank forever...as long as he didn't harm anypony, but that was easily circumvented. On the other, he'd still be playing by Celestia's rules, and that never sat well with him. "Well Discord?" Discord grinned and swallowed down his tea, cup and all. "Very well then Celestia, I accept your proposal, but-" "But what Discord?" Well wasn't someone in a crabby mood today? "Rather than making this plan a deal, let's make it a wager" Deals were set in stone, with the rewards and rules set up ahead of time in a boring bureaucratic fashion. Wagers were less predictable, meaning I... I mean we, can do anything we wish. Plus, keeping the enemy on their toes is so much fun, the possibilities, the chaos! And most importantly, the game will be played on my terms, not hers. "Wager?" She looks cautious, Discord thought. But then he added merrily, As she should be! "Why of course! After all, something as important as-" I couldn't help but snicker, "parenthood isn't so predictable as mere contract of 'I do this' and 'you do that' is it?" She's thinking now, good. "What are the stakes?" Just like Celsetia, always thinking ahead, well beating her wouldn't be as satisfying if she didn't. "If I win, not only do I get my powers back, I get total amnesty for all past crimes" Air quotes on 'crimes' because really, I was doing Equestria a service- under my great rule, not one, not a single pony, was ever bored. But did anypony appreciate it? Nooooooo. "Fine." "In fact I want them to be blotted out from all historical records." So you can't hold anything against me Prissy McHooferton. Well, nothing you can prove anyway. Ohhh does she look mad! "But-" A lollipop appears and I shove it in her mouth. Sweets for her Royal Sweetness. "Now, now my dear, don't you know interrupting is rude? Shame on you." Discord patted Celestia patronizingly. Oh and there's the eye twich again. "In addition to all my conditions, I also demand that after this whole 'Daddy Discord' facade, whether or not I win, I can do with the little filly as I see fit." "No." Really now Celestia, must you always oppose me? I begin spinning like a clock, and impressively the Sunny with a Chance of Rainbows manages to keep her hateful glaring seeing balls locked on mine. Time to bring out the big guns. "And I suppose you intend to saddle the filly with me for the rest of her life?" A pony's life span is like a blink of an eye to an immortal such as myself, but I'd still rather not spend that blink with an annoying pony calling me 'dad'. "You would have me lie for a lifetime to that sweet, innocent, unsuspecting doll?" Two things to know about Celestia: 1) She's a sucker to guilt. 2) She's a sucker for her precious ponies. Celestia's face began to crack and Discord pressed his advantage. "I promise, that after it's over, whether or not I keep the kid or not no physical harm shall come to her." Thankfully Celestia seemed to have missed that 'physical' bit. He could see Celestia's internal struggle. She sighed, and Discord gave an internal cheer. "Fine Discord, you may do with her as you wish, as long as no harm comes to her. Anything else?" "How about replacing the mountains with mountains of rock candy?" "No." Discord pouted. "Fine then, that's all." "And if I win, you will become part of the royal guard. You will be under my command, no questions asked. You will be submissive to my orders, and you will be submitted to a controlled, orderly conduct in my presence as well as others while you are on duty. However because of your chaotic nature, you will have free time where you can use your powers in a free non-harmful manner, as defined by me. Is that clear?" I stopped spinning and swallowed. Anything defined by Celestia is usually suck-ish for me, and to be under her hoof for all of eternity would be Tartarus. But what's the fun of a bet without high stakes? "Alright then. What are we wagering on?" "Whether or not you can effectively nurture another living being other than yourself to their benefit. Not yours." Typical. Also boring, but I can work with that. "Who defines 'their benefit'?" "Me." "No, you have a lot riding on this wager, and I have no doubt you'd do anything to get me as your errand pony." Discord crossed his lion and eagle arms in finality. "You'd think I'd stoop so low?" Celestia actually sounded hurt! I guess when you rule unquestioned for a thousand years, it's a shock when your not everyone's shining beacon. Discord raised an eyebrow on response (it flew off his face before gently floating back into place. Hey, that sort of rhymed!). Celestia shook her head. "Fine then, but then Luna has to allowed to judge the child for herself." Ahhh, the mare who went moony- pun completely intended. "And how pray tell is your sister any better than you? Family bias anyone?" "She has a good relationship with the filly. In fact that's why the girls were with me in the first place...to visit Luna." Do my ears decieve me or do a hear a speck of jealousy? Ooooo, looks like somepony's not a foal favorite anymore. "Plus I don't think after the...incident, she's not as ready to side with me as she was once before." Discord snorted. If you call being banished to the moon for a thousand years an incident then being imprisoned in stone is as nice as a summer vacation in the Colt-a-bbean. He sipped a class of chocolate milk thoughtfully (or coco moo as he liked to call it). So, there's still some resentment among the royal siblings. I can use that to my advantage. Let me tell you, even if I may not be what you consider, 'sane', I'm a master strategist. I'm mad, bonkers. Off my head. But I'll tell you a secret, all the best ponies are. "Fine," I concede. "Who else?" "A pony in Ponyville named Cherilee. She's the filly's teacher and other than her friends, she knows her best." "I can live with that" It's another pony under Celestia's hoof, but I'm sure with some persuasion, that can be amended in my favor. Of course I can't be obvious or whoever it is will report straight to Celestia, and then I'd be in trouble. "And no interfering with their decision making Discord," she said pointedly. "If your caught doing so, then you forfeit the wager." Called it. Discord puffed out his cheeks and blew a rasberry. "Fine" His tail turned into a hand, crossing its fingers behind his back. "And I have one more pony to add to this panel of judges. Her mother." "Whose?" "The filly's of course! What, do you actually trust me to take care of her alone? And it's like they say, 'mother knows best'." "That's not part of the agreement!" How cute, she's spluttering. I wrapped my tail on a cloud I popped up and began swinging upside down like a possum. "Our agreement my dear was that I care for my new found bundle of joy. There was no rule saying that I had to do so alone. And thus I repeat, do you actually trust me to take care of her alone?" Once again I can see that she's struggling. I tend to have that affect on people. "Who do you have in mind?" Discord grinned, this was exactly as he was hoping for. "She's someone we both know I assure you." he said, suddenly appearing behind Celesia's sun marked (or hasn't anyone else noticed her cutie mark) rump. "She has everything needed to be considered a good mother. She is nothing but kind to her charges, and it's often to her own detriment, sometimes I just feel so bad for her. Unfortunately, she's not an actual mother per-say, but she has dealt with fillies before and they seem to like her just fine." I appear above her, having a good view of her reaction. I see her relax a bit, it's obvious who she has in mind. "It takes a bit to get her out of her shell, and I'll admit, it will take some work to get her to agree, but once she does, I'm sure she'll be able to keep me in line." Celestia's eyed me suspiciously and I do my best to look disgusted, as if working with someone else is beneath me, which let's face it, it really is. "Will you be presenting her as your wife?" Discord openly grabbed his throat and gagged. Disappointingly looking down at Celestia he tutted. "Now Celestia, she has a hard time dealing with stallions by herself, she wouldn't dream of presenting herself as my wife. But let's face it, I'm a catch." Celestia snorted, but Discord let it pass. "Plus, I'd never do something like that, to somepony like her." That seemed to relax Celestia even more. "Very well Discord, you may bring the filly a 'mother.'" "I just want to clarify something my dear. The mare I've chosen will have to work with me." "Yes and?" Celestia said with slight irritation. "Other pony's may be afraid of her, maybe to the point of harming..." I twirl my eagle claw, seeing if she caught my drift. "She will be under the complete and utter protection of the royal family." "That's all I needed to hear. After all, I wouldn't want anypony hurt on my account." Celestia seemed impressed. She probably thought it's because I care about the mare. Poor dear is absolutely deluded. "That's all I ask. Now what's our time slot?" "Six months." Flipping through my Dragon Tales calender and... "I'll have to push shuffle-boarding with Wocky back to next Frabjusday (that's if he's still around poor guy, I hear that blonde nitwit is heckling him with that vorpol slicing stick again), but I suppose that'll be fine. Now, anything else?" "No telling anyone that's not involved about this wager, especially Scootaloo. Understand?" "Of course not! Can't let the poor child know it only takes royal intercession to get her a mommy and daddy." Ha! I finally got the living statue to flinch. "She very well could Discord, however this is for both your sakes." she said stiffly, but I also catch a hint of doubt and just a whiff of guilt. I start twisting top style. I invented dizzy you know. Seeing things spinning is fun, especially when they're actually standing still. "Whatever helps you sleep at night princess." I catch her grimace as I spin. Me thinks there's more to this filly-princess business than me first thinks I thought I should think. And stop spinning...now. "Anything else?" "Turn around" Oh how rude of me! I perch on my head and face back to my 'queen'. Putting weight on your head is a good way to stop the spinning, (I usually hate doing so, but unfortunately, sometimes it must be done) She sighs in annoyance. "Discord, put you head back on." Fine, I'll just listen while you spin. Entertain me pony, Entertain! " And the other rule is this: Any harm that comes to the child because of you directly or indirectly will immediately lead to an automatic loss." "That has to be a two way streak Celestia." "You dare suggest-" "Oh come not Celestia, of course I don't (my wings are crossed behind my back), but let's make this fair shall we?" "Fine. I've arranged for all the necessary paperwork to be done already, so it's all legal." She was that sure I'd accept? My, my, isn't somepony prepared. I see where the purple egghead gets it from. "And because your charge is a pegasus, and also because I don't want all of Ponyville charging after you, I have arranged for your house to be on a cloud above the heart of the Everfree forest. Will the filly's....mother be alright with that?" Discord waved his eagle talon lazily. "She can fly, that'll be no problem. Plus I'm thinking she won't be wanting to leave her charges home alone all the time. Now if this is over, I must be off. I have a scheduled tea wish Fluttershy and I simply can't wait to tell her the good news!" Celestia smiled faintly, "Very well then, I wish you the best Discord" "I'd say the same, but you tell me not to lie." I'm about to pop away when something strikes me. "BT-dubs Celestia, what is the name of my new precious bundle of joy again?" "Scootaloo" "Thank you so very much. Ta, ta!" Scootaloo huh? That just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? Scoot-a-loo, Scoot-Scoot, aloo-aloo. ScootalooScootalooScootaloo! Huh, she didn't appear, well that's disappointing. Wait a apple juicing second! I think that was the filly who said the dragonesque-statuesque me stood for Chaos. The other two were close but no cigar, and all their silly teacher did was say my name. Oooo, so this filly's got a good sense of humor and a brain? The possibilities. I poof out in a spectacular show of lights and lazers, appearing silently in front of Fluttershy's door; poor dear hates it when I startle all her fuzzy wuzzys. I gently knock. "Fluttershy, I'm here!" The door was opened by a yellow pink maned mare, smiling brightly. "Discord! Come in! Did you bring the cucumber sandwiches?" Her voice was so soft one might need a hearing aid to hear her. But the poor dear is simply a gem among gems, only the best to be friends with the wonderful me. (Let's ignore that she's the only one willing) Discord poofed up a silver tray of dainty cucumber sandwiches with a side of strawberry tea. "Right here! And my dear Fluttershy, I simply have some great news I must share with you! Before you say yes or no please hear me out, it will be fantastic!" ________________________________________________________________________ Discord was strolling toward the darkest caves underground the Everfree Forest, whistling Hi-ho all the way. The visit to Fluttershy's was delightful, and after some hesitation, the dear mare agreed to help. On to the next visit. The tunnels leading to the caves were lined with a lightly glowing moss, and crystal stalactites and stalagmites, giving the gave an eerie yet beautiful glow. Discord's ears twitched as he heard a buzzing. He smiled as he saw the source: a black filly sized pony, with milky blank turquoise eyes, a small horn, and ratty bug wings. Speaking of ratty, its scaly like mane and legs were full of holes as well. Changelings were sooo tacky, and most of them looked alike, how...uniform. The chaos they can cause with their shape shifting though, how juicy. "What do you want Discord?" It's voice was low and raspy, with the effect of a small dog...you may be willing to kick it to make it shut up. All the changelings know of me, no matter how old. I'll give the old bag this, while she is a complete liar to the ponies above, she keeps nothing from her own subjects. I'm not surprised. Celsetie-Sun-Sets-in-the-Westie could learn a thing or two from her. She's always been the princess's complete antithesis (Oh big word. Don't know it? Dictionary it). "My dear fellow-" "I'm a girl" "And I don't care. Please take me to your leader." I donned my little green pony mask. The apparently female changeling immediately took a defensive stance, it's horn glowing and wings buzzing angrily. Ho hum. However I couldn't help but notice that the magic from its horn seemed very subdued in color, meaning-WEAKLING! I can so take him-her, whatever. I take my own awesome ninja fighting pose, wrapping my face in a red hood and my body in a pink kimono for good measure (I have a figure for anything). The changeling and I had a stare off, and as I was getting bored and preparing to pull out a giant fly-swatter, the whatever tilted its head as if listening for something to someone. Then the magic from the whatever's horn faded and the wings stopped buzzing. Whatever's eyed me distrustfully. "The queen says to bring you in." I clapped my paw and claw together joyfully. "Thank you, but I think I'll just show myself in." Before whatever could protest, Discord disappeared in a puff, reappearing in the most depressing throne room he had ever seen. On the throne, looking bored but acutely aware, was the Queen of the Shifters herself, Her Deceitfulness, Her Mischief-sty, Queeeeeennnnnn Chyrsalissssssss! Discord mockingly bowed to the Hive's Head Honcho, "Good evening my dearest and most beautiful-" "What do you want Discord" So straight forward! Discord gripped his heart in mock injury. "You wound me Chryssie" Ever notice how something without paws, claws, or any grabbing appendages whatsoever grips something when their upset? "Can't I just pop in to visit a friend after all these years?" "You are far from a friend Dragonques. You never come unless you want something." Discord shrugged his shoulders. "Got me there," He said with this roguish smile. "So tell me then. what. do. you. want." Well fine then. I disappear in front of her and grab the back of her throne, which I now realize is just crystal growing out of the cave floor in a chair like fashion. Way to use that room honey. Cue mental snap and neck twist. I lowered my mouth to her ear a I see her stiffen, though her expression doesn't change. Always the brave one aren't we? I say the words most mares wait all their lives to hear into her ear. "Queen Chrysalis. Will you do me the honor of being the mother of my child?"