Right from the get-go, Celestia knew this date would be a ride. She had had it up to here (see top of Celestia’s head to the top of Canterlot Castle) with rulers of the underworld, but at least this one was honest, unlike a few others…
At first, she wanted to skip this date, but Luna decided for her by automatically replying with a yes, just because his notes said he was 'one helluva lover'. Due to certain conditions regarding her date, Celestia had to traverse to another dimension as per the usual, and she almost instantly regretted it.
The ground was a scorched black, while massive dark stalagmites rose like pillars and fires erupted from the rivers and lakes of fire. Tiny black demons scuttled about, while red goblin creatures flew overhead, shrieking at inhumane volumes. What was worse, in Celestia’s eyes, were the people. Humans, their bones showing through their paled skin and clothes torn and ragged, were suspended by chains and woefully screamed as they were prodded with red hot pokers. Her date’s profile wasn’t kidding when he said he lived in Hell.
Slowly trotting around, Celestia tried to search for the restaurant she was supposed to arrive at, trying to ignore the screams of peril and anguish that greeted her. After what seemed like forever, Celestia finally found the place: Drop Dead Diner. It was, actually, a rather tidy and clean building, where oddly normal-looking people seemed to be enjoying their meals, with others even sitting at the outdoor patio.
True to the letter, Celestia saw her larger-than-life date sitting at the patio, towering over all the other patrons and seated in a white folding chair that was obviously way too small for him. He was a massive red demon, black goat horns sitting on his brow and a black goatee hovering under his frown as yellow eyes scanned the menu. Celestia also noticed that he had brown goat legs, while an ox-skull belt held up a ragged loin-cloth, covering a pair of blue underwear. Sighing deeply, Celestia approached the restaurant, drawing the attention of the massive demon.
“Excuse me,” she shakily asked, “are you Mr. Satan?”
The demon, Satan, smiled at the Princess of the Sun, revealing his white-sharpened fangs. “Yes I am, Miss. You’re Princess Celestia, my date for tonight, right?” His calm, almost cheerful, voice, was very off-putting, yet felt very welcoming to Celestia. Celestia nodded her head, making her way to the table and sitting herself down.
“You know, you should’ve given directions on how to find this restaurant, Mr. Satan,” Celestia said, scanning her menu. “I was lost in this awful place for about thirty minutes.”
“Well, I did say it would stand out,” Satan said, looking down from his menu. “And you don’t have to address me as 'Mister'. We’re both friends here.”
“Yeah, that’s debatable.” Celestia muttered under her breath. “So tell me, Satan, why did you say I had to meet you here for our date?”
“Eh… God banished me to Hell many eons ago, and I’m not really allowed to leave,” he said. “Although I have gone up to Earth a couple of times in the past, if for only brief times.” Once the waiter collected their menus, Celestia looked up at Satan, noticing a small frown on his face.
“A short answer like that has some stories to tell, I bet,” she said. “Well, why don’t you tell me so we can get to know each other.” Satan twiddled his fingers and coughed into his fist.
“Promise not to think less of me, Celestia?” He asked. Celestia nodded, bringing a smile back to Satan’s face. “Well, one of the first times was when I challenged Jesus to a boxing match.”
“And so I invited everyone to the Hell on Earth 2006 party, blue bracelet or not!” he said, a triumphant smile taking over his face.
Celestia sat wide-eyed at the stories Satan had told. From past experiences, she would’ve expected him to be a dark and malevolent monster, just by appearance and occupation alone. These stories changed that view-point, giving Celestia the image of just a poor rascal dealing with tough things in his life, yet somehow coming out on top. Even with some of the darker stories, Satan told some really light-hearted tales where he even helped the denizens of Hell. A thought even crossed her mind that maybe it could work.
“I must say, Satan,” Celestia said, “you really surprised me. With all my other encounters with the masters of the damned, I never expected to run into someone like you.” Satan blushed—which was hard to tell, due to his dark red color—and rubbed the back of his head.
“Aw, thanks,” Satan said. “It’s not often I get to talk about myself, especially with my past partners.”
“So, why did you go on notforeveralone.com anyway?” Celestia asked, taking a sip of her wine. “You seem like you don’t need to be in a relationship.”
“Well, after this one incident with my last two partners, I decided to become a bit more independent in my social life,” Satan explained, lifting a tiny martini glass. “After a few months, I figured it’d be nice to go back on the dating scene. Jesus introduced me to notforeveralone.com, and now, here we are.”
The two continued to talk about each other, swap stories about previous dates, and other random thoughts. Eventually, after Celestia got finished with talking about how fed up she was with Deadpool and Solaire living in the castle, a waiter brought their food: a small salad to Celestia and a large, covered silver dish for Satan.
“Wow, I always forget how big they make turkey here,” Satan commented, reaching to uncover his meal. Just as his massive hand was about to unveil his meal, the lid flew off the tray, revealing something that was definitely not a turkey.
“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey Satan!” said a man in an obnoxiously nasally and high-pitched voice. Standing on the tray was a short Middle-Eastern man, wearing a green officer's uniform with a red sash slung around. The man had a thick handlebar mustache and short military haircut. Satan looked at the man on his tray, before pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Son of a bitch…” he muttered. The man leaped off the table, clinging to Satan’s massive arm.
“I’ve been looking all over for you, buddy!” the man said. Celestia gaped at the small man, completely baffled by the current sight.
“Umm… Satan, who is this?” Celestia asked.
Without looking up, Satan sighed before trying to pry the man off his arm. “Saddam Hussein… my last boyfriend…”
“You know it, bitch!” Saddam pipped up. He looked at Celestia with angry eyes, glaring at her while Satan continued trying to break Saddam’s grip. “And who the fuck are you, unicorn?”
“Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and Princess of the Sun,” Celestia replied through gritted teeth. Of all the people to interrupt her dates, that foul-mouthed snot was quickly going to the top of the list. “Satan, is this the same Saddam who you said you killed, then banished him to Heaven just for being clingy?”
“Yes,” Satan groaned. “But he found out he could escape by killing himself, going back to Hell, and I haven’t been able to get rid of him ever since.” Saddam had released himself from Satan’s arm, now wrapping himself around the red Devil’s waist and rubbing his back.
“C’mon, you know you want me back, guy,” Saddam said seductively. “I know you miss me in bed.” His hand ran down Satan’s back, the massive devil jumping out of his seat when Saddam touched his 'tail'.
“Okay, seriously, get lost, Saddam! I don’t want you anymore!” Satan yelled. He turned to Celestia with pleading eyes. “I swear, no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of him! He’s like a really bad case of crabs!”
“I can relate…” Celestia muttered, her mind drifting off to the images of Solaire and Deadpool trying their best to court her. While Celestia contemplated on how she would try and get rid of those two, Satan continued to swat Saddam off as he continued to scurry around his body.
“Relax, guy!” Saddam snarked. “Seriously, if you’re just going out with that stupid winged, horny, horse with the sun on her ass just to get back at me, or something, then that makes you a big, brainless, butt-monkey for wanting to try a little bestiality! Even if you’re open to experimenting, that’s fucked up, even for you, guy!” Celestia’s head shot up at Saddam’s comment, staring daggers at the Iraqi dictator. The glare froze Saddam in place, allowing for Satan to pull him off his head, so to deliver a roundhouse punch to his face.
“No, Satan,” Celestia ordered. “Let me.” Satan smirked, gripping Saddam by the back of his shirt-collar, dangling him three feet of the ground.
“Oh, what are you going to do, pony? Love and tolerate the shit out of me?” Saddam boasted. As the little madman began laughing crazily, Celestia turned herself around, lifted her hind legs, and bucked him in the place where the sun didn’t shine. Saddam’s pupils shrank, an even higher-pitched scream erupting from his mouth as his baby-makers were destroyed by Celestia’s hooves.
Celestia smirked, trotting away from Satan and Saddam. “Now, you can hit him.” Satan smiled as he wound up his arm. With a mighty swing, Satan smashed his fist into Saddam’s chest, sending him flying into the lake of lava.
“Hey guy!” he wailed. “Reeeeeeeellllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”
He never finished his sentence as his body was submerged in lava. Satan nodded at the completion of his deed, turning back to Celestia.
“Well, now that he’s gone,” Satan said, “you wanna get back to our date?”
Celestia sighed, looking up to meet Satan’s yellow eyes.
“I’m sorry, but it won’t work…” Celestia said. “You’re a good man, Satan, even if you are the Prince of Darkness, but it can’t work if I have to constantly return to this dreadful place and deal with that little bastard.” Satan sighed, deflating slightly and sagging his shoulders. Celestia flew upward, meeting Satan eye to eye. “But it doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, and I’ll try and visit often.” Satan lifted his head, smiling at Celestia, placing a massive forefinger under her chin.
“Thanks for coming, Celestia.” Satan said, waving Celestia off as she flew away. “Take care.” While Satan watched Celestia vanish through the universal rift, a little boy in an orange overcoat fell from the sky and landed next to Satan. “Oh, hey Kenny.”