CHAPTER 11
Screed walked away from the counter, using the short break to stretch. He wasn’t likely to have a lot of time to rest - there was a large group of ponies forming in the square, one of the local guilds visibly preparing for a raid. A huge, unhealthy-looking pony armoured in spiked black plate was rearing before the group, a double-bladed axe held in his teeth. He dropped the weapon onto his hooves and spun it dextrously between his forelegs before bringing the heavy tip down with such force that it embedded itself in the cobbled street.
“Ponieeeeess!” he roared at the top of his lungs.“What is your professiooooon?!”
He was answered by a moment of silence, followed by hesitant declarations.
“Mining and engineering.”
“Herbalism and alchemy.”
“I’m a herbalist and a scrybe.”
“Mining and blacksmithing.”
“Enchanting and archeology.”
“Archeology? Seriously?”
“What’s wrong with archeology?”
“I always wanted to be a baker…”
The death knight kept listening with an unamused expression on his muzzle. When finally the declarations ceased, he cleared his throat and addressed the crowd again.
“It is as I feared then! Nopony in our illustrious guild does skinning or leatherworking! Those of us who want to improve their armour are forced to rely on outsiders or the auction house!”
He paced in front of the group as he continued talking.
“This could be acceptable for a lesser guild, but for a famous military unit like ours, this cannot stand! Unless we can find a new recruit with the right skills, one of you will have to learn it.”
He stopped in front of a green-coated pegasus stallion dressed in white robes.
“I really don’t think we need archeology. It would be best if it is you.”
The pegasus scrunched his face. “No way, skinning is gross. Besides, it’s useless without leatherworking and I won’t drop enchanting. If you want better armour I can enchant it for you.”
The leader looked down on him. “Gross? Oh, you’re a pony-born, aren’t you? Well then, it wouldn’t be right to force you. Does anypony want to volunteer instead!?” he shouted again, raising his head.
As more ponies protested against changing their professions, Screed tuned out the rest of the conversation. All he was interested in was what the raid would buy from his store before they departed. He briefly mused over the possibility of selling recipes - some pastries took too many rare ingredients to mass-produce so there was no harm to the business in sharing them. He knew the Cakes would sell some to ponies who wanted to become their parties’ cooks without having to work with meat. As the argument was finally ended by one of the healers loudly declaring that she didn’t have the whole evening, the death knight picked up his axe and the raid started preparing to move. Screed gave his best honest tradesman grin and returned to the counter, ready to serve the short line of adventurers as the first pony placed her order.
“So, a good day of stealing customers, isn’t it?” he suddenly heard a sharp female voice.
Screed’s grin disappeared as his head snapped to the side. Berry Punch was standing to the right of the line, at the edge of the counter. The goblin forced his face back under control.
“You insult me, madam. And the customers too,” he responded in a casual tone. “They are not your property, you know. It is their choice where to shop.” He turned away from her to hand the first customer his order. “Can’t blame me for having a better location. Or for your health and safety failures.”
“I can blame you for copying my recipes…”
At this, Screed paused what he was doing and turned to take a closer look at the mare. Behind him, Legassi emerged from the tent, curiously turning towards the conversation.
“Wrong again, madam,” said Screed. “These are pretty standard cakes, you can get this kind all over the world. Nothing there that belongs to you.” He kept staring at Berry Punch. Her body language was weirdly rigid and there seemed to be a slight slur to her voice.
“Standard my rump! It’s a generations old family recipe!” she suddenly shouted, causing the whole line to turn their heads towards her. “It only seems ‘average’, because you made a lousy job of copying it!”
The crowd shifted, the neat queue turning into a half-circle around the counter as the rest of the raid approached the stand, eager to observe the unfolding drama. Both goblins stepped forward, leaning against the counter, shoulder to shoulder.
“Oh now you’ve gone and slandered my business in front of the customers,” growled Screed, squinting at the mare. “I see you’re as bad as your business. I won’t just let it pass…”
“I can prove it!” interrupted Berry Punch loudly. This earned her a moment of stunned silence.
“...What?” asked Screed, his ears twitching.
Berry Punch pushed forward, slamming her front hooves on the counter. “I can prove the recipe is mine by showing you how it’s really done! I challenge you to a baking duel!”
Both goblins stepped back, confused. Then, at the same moment, their eyes widened with sudden understanding. They turned and looked at each other quickly, their mouths twisting into identical sneers.
“A baking duel, you say?” said Legassi, leaning forward and smiling broadly. “And what would be the wager, I wonder?”
Berry Punch hesitated. For a moment she was standing stiff, her face red and her jaw clenched. Then she took a deep breath and spoke: “I’ll bet my inn against your contraption.”
A wave of shocked gasps spread through the gathered crowd.
“A bold move,” said Screed, looking the mare in the eye.
“It is high time we ended this absurd situation,” responded Berry Punch. “I’ll show you that I’m a better baker and then... be rid of you.”
“That’s a lot of confidence, madam,” responded Legassi, pulling a stool and setting it next to the counter. “And who would be the judge of the contest? I would be happy to just let the customers decide, but I don’t want you crying foul when you lose.”
“The mayor can appoint somep… someone, I’m sure,” responded Berry. “There are lots of Alliance bigwigs coming and going here. I’ll petition her to ask some. I’m sure they will prove trustworthy enough for your... standards.” She nearly spat with the last word.
“Ok, then,” replied Screed cheerfully, using the stool to quickly climb on top of the counter. “Has everypony heard that?” He waved his arms around and look around the gathered spectators. “The duel will take place here in a week, at noon. I take your entire guild as witnesses that Ms. Berry Punch has decided to bet her inn against our wonderful machine and we have accepted! You are all invited to come to the duel as spectators! I’m sure there will be enough cake left to give away some free samples!”
As the last ponies took their wares from the stand and the guild marched out, Screed left the stand and walked into his tent, followed by Legassi.
“So, it’s like you thought. They think they can outgoblin us. Ponies.”
“A challenge we can’t refuse, eh? Well then, we’d better prepare plan A.”
“Yea, let’s show them how it’s done. I’ll write to our new ‘business partner’”.
And then they both laughed ominously.
***
Berry Punch walked into the inn and slammed the door behind her. The room was empty except for Carrot Top, who was watching over the bar. The sound of the door shutting caused Blossomforth and Cloud Kicker to peek out of the kitchen.
“So, how did it go?” asked the priestess.
“All went as planned,” answered Berry, slumping in front of the bar. “Now we… wait? Am I right?”
“Well…” said Carrot Top. “It’s their turn to make a move. We are already prepared… Berry?” She leaned over the bar to take a closer look at her friend. “Are you ok? You were only supposed to pretend to be drunk…”
Berry Punch rose up to her hooves. “Carrot Top, what kind of a mare do you think I am? I have just walked up to the goblins that were trying to push me out of business and issued a challenge with all I own at stake. I made accusations I couldn’t back up with evidence, which they could sue me over, in front of an entire raid. Do you really think anypony would able to do such a thing while entirely sober?”
“Hey, have a little faith, Berry,” said Cloud Kicker, patting the barmare on the back. “We’ve talked about this. Everything will go as planned.”
Berry Punch turned rapidly towards the warrior. “And if it doesn’t? There are so many things that could go wrong. What if… they just sabotage your oven? It’s hard to steal something this big.”
Blossomforth shook her head. “I can handle sabotage. And even if not, I have tasted their work and yours. I’m sure they could make even a dragon edible. But, they are engineers. You’re a cook. You know how to make things tasty, not just edible. You can just win it fair.”
“I hope you’re right,” said Berry Punch hesitantly.
“Of course she is,” smiled Carrot Top. “We are the best best bakers outside Sugarcube Corner. There is no way a pair of tinkerers can beat us! That’s how I came up with the idea in the first place, wasn’t it?”
“Before the others added their own ideas, yes,” smiled Berry Punch. “I’m sure you’re exaggerating a bit - we don’t have the level to be the best of cooks. But I’m feeling a bit better. Thank you.”
***
Ixyourmom silently moved through the back yard. The lights inside the inn were still on and the rogue could smell the cakes baking inside. This task was going to require some finesse. Clinging to what shadows were available, the human peered through the door. Fortunately they were open, saving him the trouble of picking a lock in the dark.
There was a single pony in the inn’s kitchen, the orange-maned farmpony that delivered the ingredients for baking. Right now she was standing in front of the working oven, staring intently at its contents.
Ixyourmom took a cautious step inside and moved left along the wall, keeping the kitchen table between himself and the mare. He briefly considered clubbing her unconscious, but rejected the idea; his employers wanted subtlety here. He just needed to find…
His eyes widened. There it was, right on the table; a large cookbook filled with pony writing, fresh notes scribbled all over it. This was the cookbook he had been sent to find.
He was about to reach for it when the mare looked up from the oven. “All looks good. I’ll just have to make sure I didn’t forget anything. So many small changes…”
She turned around and looked into the open book. For a moment she studied the page carefully before turning back towards the oven.
Slowly releasing the breath he had been holding, Ixyourmom emerged from under the small table. His muscular frame had barely fit underneath the pony-made piece of furniture and he had to try very hard to do it silently. Carefully he reached to his bag, retrieving a single page of copy paper. Putting it on top of the recipe, he started tracing the lines with a pencil…
“Now, let me double check if everything is in order…” said the pony.
***
Ixyourmom limped through the alleys around the inn, a copied recipe tucked hastily into his bag. He ached all over from the number of ultra-quick contortion acts he had been forced to perform. Subtlety… yea, right. Should have just shanked the bitch… mare, whatever. It’s lucky I was able to copy anything with so little light. I wonder what they did to that copy paper. Goblin magic probably. He straightened, stretched and took a deep breath. At least it’s done. That was definitely the weirdest theft I’ve done in my life…
***
“So, from the recipe it looks like the cakes can be made even better once the Berry Punch Inn gets its new oven from Blossomforth,” said Screed as he studied the paper in front of him. “Say, wouldn’t you be interested in another job? From what I know, that Blossomforth lives in a cloud house nearby. I need someone to break into it and bring me the prototype oven.”
Ixyourmom suppressed the reply on his lips, one that couldn’t be uttered in front of a paying client or anywhere in public, really. Instead he opted for an exasperated sigh. “A cloud house?” he asked.
“Yes,” replied the goblin.
“Made of clouds?” asked the rogue.
“Well, yes. But since she’s an engineer, she must have some stable floor there. How else could she work on her devices? You’ll just need to get up there.”
Ixyourmom looked down on his client. “And you wouldn’t have some way for me to fly up there?”
Screed’s smile widened into a toothy grin. “Glad that you asked! You see, I’ve just made those V.R.P.D. boots and I’m looking for someone to test them for me.”
“V.R.P.D?” asked the rogue.
“Vertical Rocket Propulsion Device. Don’t worry, my friend, as long as you make sure to keep yourself upright, it’s quite safe.”
Ixyourmom took a quick step backwards. It was typical of his kind to accept all jobs, no matter how ridiculous, but even so he felt he had to draw the line somewhere. “N… no, thank you. I will find a way up there myself. I’ll be back with the oven.”
“And you better have some better payment than another of your inventions.” he added under his breath once he left the stand.
***
Blueberry finished setting up her stand and looked around. It seemed her target hadn’t appeared yet. She stood there with a bored expression, forelegs resting on the sign “Hot air balloons for rent”, her eyes slowly scanning the edges of the meadow.
I could be doing something useful right now, she thought, scowling. I wonder if he will even show up.
It was on the outskirts of Ponyville, past the mess of architecture created by the recent growth spurt, no buildings around except for a couple of cloud houses hanging above, clearly moved here by their owners seeking peace and quiet. Further in the distance some creatures could be seen moving about, occasionally bothering the ponies taking the road towards the Fire Swamp, but the meadow was free of any adventuring activity. After five minutes Blueberry sat down in the shadow of the balloon behind her and started daydreaming.
She was woken up by the sound of approaching feet. Realizing that she must have dozed off, the mare jumped up, taking a second to catch her balance as the legs didn’t quite catch up with her brain.
A large man in dark leather clothes was standing in front of her, looking down at the sign in front of her. “So, you have hot air balloons for rent, yes?” He asked. “How much would it be to rent one for… ten minutes?”
Blueberry looked at him in confusion before remembering her purpose. “That would be… how much do you have?”
“What?” The man’s moustache bristled with anger.
Blueberry stepped back, turning red in the face. “I’m sorry, It’s just that I’ve never rented to humans and that gold to bits thing still escapes me. Will four silver be ok, sir?” she blurted out quickly.
Calmed by the explanation, the human dug his hand into his purse. “Here. How do I steer it?”
Blueberry shrugged. “You don’t. Unless you have some creature to pull you, it will move with the wind. But if you’re looking for a balloon, it means you just need to go up, don’t you?”
The man looked up at a large cloud house almost directly above him, then down at the mare. She returned his gaze with curiosity.
“Soo… are you sightseeing, or do you need somewhere high to fall from?”
***
“And then I had to rent him the wheelbarrow too. We might not see it again, if you ask me,” scowled Blueberry as she recounted the events back at the farm. “I thought those bags they use can hold all kinds of stuff. I heard a story of one paladin bringing a three yard long dragon head with him to Stormwind…”
“That’s only the real rich ones,” answered Carrot Top. “If this guy could afford a bag that’s bigger on the inside, he wouldn’t do small-time stuff for goblins, would he?”
She reached to her saddlebag and tossed a small bag to her farm-hoof. “Here is your extra payment, as we agreed. You can go return the balloon to Cherry now. And don’t worry about the wheelbarrow. It needed replacing anyway.”
Blueberry caught the money with her teeth and put it away. “Will you tell me what it was about, at least? Or is it some kind of big adventurer secret?”
“I’m not an adventurer!” snapped Carrot Top, louder than she intended. She exhaled and smiled. “But yes, it’s a secret. And you know what they say about secrets.”
“Two can hold a secret if one of them is dead?” suggested Blueberry with a smirk.
“Yea,” answered Carrot Top. “And that’s not even true anymore. I hope everything goes as planned.” Or else I WILL have to take up adventuring...
***
Screed stared into the blueprints.
“You sure, you weren’t followed? I’ll pretend I don’t know you if you were.”
Ixyourmom looked around nervously. It was already past the sunset and the goblins had closed their store for the night. There were few ponies left in the street, but none of them seemed close enough to see what was going on inside the tent.
“I’m a professional. Now, is that everything you need from me, or do you want me to…”
“Hold on a sec, partner, “ said Screed, raising one hand. “I just need to check those.”
He returned to reading the papers before him. “You’re seeing what I’m seeing Legassi? You said there would be another raising agent.”
“Yes, “ answered the other goblin, now half buried in the innards of a bulky device. “Now those notes in the recipe make sense. And it looks like it’s no trap. She really made it work. With good goblin parts.” He paused, taking a moment to untangle himself from the machine just so he could smile smugly at his partner. “Only the piping is her making.”
“Is that so?” asked Screed. “Pony engineering. This is turning out better that I expected.” He turned towards the human. “It turns out we will need something from you after all. Luckily, there are some shops still open at this hour.”
***
It was early morning the next day when Blossomforth approached the goblin stand, flanked by two serious-looking town guards. Since no customers were in sight yet, there was nobody at the counter. The priestess tapped her hoof on it loudly.
Screed’s groggy face emerged from a nearby tent.
“May we have a moment, sir?” asked one of the guards, a grey pegasus stallion.
The goblin’s ears drooped a little. “What seems to be the problem, officer?” he asked.
The pegasus approached the goblin and looked down on him.”This citizen’s home was robbed yesterday. There are some witnesses that claim a suspect might have brought his loot here.”
Screed’s eyes grew big and for a moment he stared at the guardspony in silence. Then he straightened himself and stepped forward, almost poking his nose into the pegasus’ muzzle. “Are you accusing me of being a fence?”
“Worse than that, I’m afraid,” said Blossomforth, joining the two. “I’m an engineer and what the thief stole was one of my latest inventions, created on commission for an important customer. I think you had it stolen from me for your own use.”
“Ohhh… so that’s what you’re after,” said Screed, squinting. “I bet whatever it was, it was for that bankrupting inn over there, right?”
Blossomforth’s jaw clenched. “The details of my business arrangements are not for you to know. However, you are right in that the invention was commissioned by an inn. It was a prototype techno-magical oven. Since everyone knows you are to take part in a baking duel in a couple of days…”
“Nonsense!” interrupted Screed. “We are goblins! Our engineering is superior to anyone else’s! If we need a superior oven, we can build it ourselves. You don’t even have hands and you’re trying to tell me you’d build something better than I can? That’s even more insulting than calling me a thief!” He shook his fist in front of her face for emphasis.
“Even the best take shortcuts when there is little time, don’t they?” asked the other guard, a lavender pegasus mare. “That reminds me. There have been some complaints about the noise from your neighbours. There’s been sounds of loud banging all through the night.”
“I had a moment of inspiration and decided to upgrade my oven. I couldn’t do it during working hours, as I need it to work when there are customers. And if they have the gall to complain about the noise…”
Legassi emerged from the tent, his face just as groggy, a bandage wrapped around his head. “...perhaps they can tell you which of them threw that horseshoe at me? I think that counts as aggravated assault.”
The male guard swallowed loudly “We shall look into it, sir. Now, miss, Blossomforth, what exactly are we looking for?”
“Yes, what exactly?” asked Screed. “Not an audience, I hope? I’m already being falsely accused here, and if you wait a moment, you will be slandering me in front of my morning customers. For your own good, I’d say you should hurry.”
Blossomforth walked past him and went straight for the goblins’ vehicle. “There were some blueprints stolen along with the machine. If they spent the night working, I’m not expecting to find it whole. Rather, I’m guessing they integrated it into their own device. Since I stamp my products with my cutie mark, I will be able to identify any parts I manufactured…”
“Wait a second!” Legassi rushed past her, putting his hand on the side cover of the machine. “You’re an engineer and working for our competition. You really think we’d just let you look into our inventions?”
Blossomforth tried to push his hand aside, be he wouldn’t budge. “That would only matter if they were your inventions. Move it.”
The male guardspony cleared his throat. “I’m afraid he’s right, miss, considering the circumstances. We don’t want to complicate the situation further.”
“I can take a look for you,” volunteered the female guard. “Would you be satisfied with it?” she asked Legassi.
The goblin took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly. “I guess I will have to, officer. Let’s get it over with quickly.”
He stepped aside and opened the cover. The guardsmare walked up to it, before stopping and turning towards the priestess. “Erm… I need to know what your cutie mark looks like first.”
Blossomforth stared at the guard for a few seconds before growling and briefly flipping up the hem of her robe. The guard turned back towards the machine and peered inside. For about a minute she examined the insides of the machine in silence. Finally she spoke. “Miss Blossomforth? There is nothing here.”
“What?” Blossomforth stared at the guardsmare in disbelief. “There has to be. Check near the connections.”
“I already have, miss. If your cutie mark was there, I’d have found it by now. No signs of it being polished off either. I’m afraid your stolen oven is not here.”
Blossomforth rushed towards the device, but Screed stopped her. “What kind of trick are you trying to pull here?” she growled at him.
“No trick at all, miss, “ responded Screed. “It’s you who are trying to frame honest merchants to hide your own failure.”
“What. Did. You. Say?” Blossomforth’s wings were flared and her teeth exposed. She almost looked like a creature out of some human knight’s coat of arms.
“You heard me, miss,” said Screed with a sneer. “There is no great conspiracy to get your friend out of business. We are simply better at it. The only one at fault for her going bankrupt is you. You were the one who brought a lethal disease under her roof, scaring away the customers. And now you’re trying to shift the blame to us, telling these fine officers that I stole your design. Are you sure it ever existed?”
All four pairs of eyes turned toward Screed, who continued with a widening smile. “An oven, supposedly superior to goblin engineering, surely a marvel to behold… so conveniently gone, along with all the designs, before it could be delivered to the customer.”
He turned towards the two guards. “I won’t file a complaint. I can see that you’re only doing your job here. But if I were you, I’d take a closer look at the mare who keeps wasting your time. Perhaps you will be able to make an arrest for your trouble after all.”
“My apologies, sir,” said the stallion. “We will not bother you any longer.” He then turned towards Blossomforth, who was standing stiff as a board, muttering something incoherently through clenched teeth. “I think it’s time for us to leave.”
It took them a few nudges to get her to turn around and walked away from the store. All three ponies walked in silence, ignoring the first customers appearing in the street. It was only when they turned the corner that the lavender mare removed her helmet and handed it to the male guard.
“Thanks a lot, cousin.”
Just then a hooded, yellow-coated mare approached the three with an energetic trot. “We found it,” she whispered.
***
Blossomforth raised her head from the mess of junk piled in the ditch by the side of the road.
“Just as I thought, they figured it out. All the marked parts are here, along with the chassis. Their rogues must have spent the night running around to get all the pieces they didn’t have at hand.”
“So... what you are saying is…” asked Carrot Top in a tense whisper.
Blossomforth looked her in the eyes. “Everything is going…” She paused for emphasis and then sneered widely “Just as planned.”
Carrot Top bonked her on the head with her hoof, then pushed forward, pressing her forehead to hers.
“Don’t… you… dare… jinx it.”