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// Hearts and Hooves Day 
// Story: A Dream 
// by totallynotabrony 
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	“Valiant, could I show you something?”
“Sure.”  I waited.  Twilight didn’t show me anything.
“It’s in the forest," she said.  "Would you mind…driving?”
“Sure.”  We went out to the prototype robot.  It lacked all the way-cool stuff that I was planning, but it moved.  I figured Twilight was feeling nervous about something if she wanted the extra protection.
As we got going, I asked, “So…what’s going on?”
“I was walking to Zecora’s the other day and I found a dead animal.”
“I don’t find that unusual.  Stuff dies all the time.”
“It was murdered.”
“Stuff kills other stuff all the time.  It’s a stuff-eat-stuff world, you know.”
She sighed.  “I understand that some forest creatures are carnivorous, but something was wrong.”
We’d reached the trees and I maneuvered to stay on the path.  “Well?”
She shook her head.  “You should see this.”
A few minutes later, we stopped at a spot of Twilight’s choosing.  Getting out of the robot, she pointed me to a rabbit that had fang marks on it.  I didn’t think Ponyville had a CSI team, because if they did I would totally call them out there just so we could swap one-liners.
“That’s not all,” Twilight said, looking worried.  “I’ve found other small animals that had been attacked the same way.”
“You dragged me all the way out here for a vampire?”  I waved a hoof dismissively.
“Wait, you knew about this?”
“Well yeah, and as a matter of fact I take credit for it.”
She looked at me, terrified.
“Wait, that came out wrong.  Let me clarify.  I take credit for asking the vampire to eat forest creatures instead of ponies.”
“How long have you known about this?  When did you find out?”
I thought.  “It was about the same time as the Grand Galloping Gala.”
“There’s been a vampire running around out here for that long and you didn’t tell anypony?”
“Nope.”
“Is this one of your secrets that you keep?”
“You got it.”
“So you know who the vampire is, but you’re not going to tell me because you promised you wouldn’t.”
“That’s right.  I may be a man without principles, but at least I'm stubborn.”
Twilight shook her head.  “I’m going to get to the bottom of this, one way or another.”  She looked around.  “Now let’s get going before the vampire comes back.”
Sweet Apple Acres was on the way, and I asked if Twilight was comfortable walking back from there.  I said that I had to talk to the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Twilight got out and I stopped at the Crusader Clubhouse.  When I walked in, they were putting the finishing touches on a heart-shaped piece of artwork.
“Damn, that is a big Valentine,” I said.  It was taller than I was.
“What’s a Valentine?” asked Apple Bloom.  “This is for Hearts and Hooves Day.  We’re makin’ it for Ms. Cheerilee.”
I nodded.  “It looks like a lot of effort went into it.  Sweetie Belle, can I speak to you alone?”
The two of us walked out.  “Twilight found some of the carcasses in the woods,” I said in a low voice.
“You want me to take care of her?”  Her horn glowed and a ninja shuriken levitated out of her saddlebag.
“No.  You’d be wasting your time anyway.  She’s supposedly unkillable.”  I looked at the ground.  “Unfortunately.”
Sweetie Belle shook her head.  “Well, all right then.  She’s still a liability, though.”
“I understand.  I just wish the animals had been cleaned up a little better.”
“For as obsessively clean as Rarity is, she goes a little nuts with bloodlust.”  Sweetie Belle’s expression changed.  “I think it’s getting worse, actually.  She told me that she’s worried that one day she’ll slip and bite a pony.”
“Sure hope it’s someone I hate.  It’s been a while since I’ve done any work with a stake.”
She turned her head.  “Did you just rhyme?”
“Maybe I did.  You’ve got good ears, kid.”
“Is something wrong?  Are you turning into a zebra?”
“No, I’m just screwing with you.  A zebra?  Really?”
“But I thought—”
“No, Zecora’s just weird like that.”  She once told me that some problems had developed in her brain from sniffing all those herbs.
“Anyway,” I said, “I should be going.  Tell Rarity to clean up after herself a little better.”  I got in the robot and went back to the library.
I was somewhat not surprised to see Twilight pulling out books that might help her with a vampire hunting quest.
“So obsessed with vampires,” I said.  “You remind me of my ex.”
“The Canadian or the lawyer?”
“Neither.  The fangirl.”
“She…was a fan of vampires?”
“And how.  Started thinking she was one.  I decided we were through the instant I felt plastic fangs on my neck one morning.”
Twilight sighed.  “You obviously know something about the subject.  Could you help me find more information?”
“Sorry, but I feel guilty that I might have said too much while we were talking in the forest.”  I didn’t actually.  I just felt like skipping out of the work she would likely have me doing.
“I’m going for a walk,” I said, heading for the door.
Outside, I encountered Rainbow on her way into the library with a load of books.
“I’m really going through all these Daring Do novels,” she said.  “I’m the fastest reader I know!”
“Doubtful.  Twilight does it like it’s her job.  I’m even quicker than she is because I don’t stop and think along the way.”
“That sounds about like you.”
“You’d better believe it.  I can do a sonic rainboom with my eyes.”  I said goodbye to her and walked on.
Over at the boutique, I confirmed that Sweetie Belle had told Rarity about Twilight’s investigation.
“I suggest you get out of town for a little while,” I said.  “There’s a nice juicy target waiting over in Fillydelphia.  It’d be a good sisterly bonding activity.”
“Maybe you’re right, Valiant,” said Rarity.  That was a phrase I didn’t hear often.  Ponies usually had very firm opinions about whether I was right or not, no maybe about it.
“Anyway,” I said, “just be a little more careful.  We can’t let Blueblood know we’re coming for him.”  I watched the three ponies struggling on the floor.  “Um, can I do anything to help?”
“No, we’re fine,” said Sweetie Belle.
I wondered why Rarity and her sister were trying to restrain Cheerilee and why she was so adamant about getting a wedding dress and leaving.  I wasn’t concerned that she had overheard any of our secret conversation because she was delirious about something.
I shrugged.  Not my problem.
I left the building and spotted Scootaloo and Apple Bloom digging a hole in the center of the street.
“What’s going on?”
“We accidentally made a love potion that turned out to be a love poison and now Big Macintosh and Ms. Cheerilee are falling in love!” said Scootaloo quickly.
“What’s a tiger pit have to do with it?”
“If we keep ‘em from seein’ each other for one hour, the spell will be broken,” said Apple Bloom.
“Well, here comes Big Mac.”
Apple Bloom ran to throw a rope around him.  He was skipping along, disconcertingly like Pinkie often did.
The filly got the rope tight and wrapped it around a nearby house.  I think Mac noticed the load, but dragged it along anyway.  The whole house, that is.
“It’s not working!” shouted Apple Bloom.
“Daaaaaaaaang,” I said, rather unhelpfully.
Luckily, the pit they dug caught him and also Cheerilee, who had managed to break out of the boutique.  Rarity and Sweetie Belle had come out the door after her.  They shrugged and went to begin packing for their trip.
“Girls!” shouted Cheerilee.  “Can you explain why I look like I'm getting married at the bottom of a pit?”
“We gave you two some love potion that went a little overboard,” admitted Scootaloo.
“But we only did it because we thought you and Big Mac would be really happy if you could be each other’s very special someponies on Hearts and Hooves Day,” added Apple Bloom.
“Girls,” I said, resting my hooves on their shoulders, “My ex girlfriends all agree: It’s rarely a good thing to force love on someone.”
They apologized to Cheerilee and Mac.  The two ponies in the bottom of the pit began to discuss punishment.
“Don’t worry,” I called to them.  “I got this.”
“Remember what I said about not forcing love on someone?” I asked the two fillies.
“Yeah?” said Scootaloo.
I nodded.  “Now kiss.”  I pushed their faces together.

Author note:
I got you guys a new story.  I hope you like it.  It’s about Stephen Colbert interviewing Celestia.