"Nothing." Twilight said as she gently closed the book in front of he in a frustrated manner. So far her and her friends search for anything relating to Illogic Mandate had turned up nothing. As in, literally nothing, all the relevant pages in any books she found merely said the word nothing, and in one case the page WAS nothing. With an exasperated sigh, she turned to see how her friends were progressing. Pinkie was unconscious from where a massive pillar of books fell on her, Rainbow Dash had found an archive of every single Daring Doo manuscript ever made, Applejack was staring blankly at the first page of a book, Rarity was hiding inside an environmentally sealed dome, and Fluttershy was patiently scanning through a glossary as tall as she was.
"So, have you found anything yet girls?" Twilight asked, stirring Applejack from her stupor.
"Eenope. Can't say ah've come across anything relevant. Sorry." Applejack disheartenedly said.
"I'm only halfway through the letter A, this paper is needle thin... I-if you don't mind me saying, that is." Fluttershy added sheepishly.
"I'm not leaving my hermetically sealed bubble until we leave this dusty old room, so I can't really look, darling." Rarity said in excuse.
"I need to go write a Daring Doo fanfiction." Rainbow Dash muttered to herself.
"..." Is all Pinkie said as she was still unconscious with a small amount of blood pooling beneath her.
"Uhh... Ah think we need ta take Pinkie to the hospital." Applejack pointed out as Twilight began levitating the unconscious form of Pinkie Pie onto Applejacks back.
"Wouldn't being hit on the head with a..." Twilight paused as she picked up a book half as large as the glossary Fluttershy was reading through in telekinesis. "That, would explain it." Twilight deadpanned, before opening the book and finding it was exactly what they'd spent the last nine hours looking for. She let out an unintelligible gargle as Rarity spoke up.
"What is it, darling?" She asked as she looked at the books title and read it aloud, "The list of every crime and misdeed ever performed by the unknown being herefore referred to as Illogic Mandate. That certainly is a long title." Rarity said once she had read the title aloud.
"It says that one of her misdeeds was... Flagrantly disregarding the laws of reality? But, Pinkie does that every day and she's not a villain." Twilight said.
"Another one is the introduction of the narcotic known as Skittles, and the resulting boom in obesity they caused." Rainbow read off.
"These all seem like minor offences, expect for that one there, where she burned down half a forest, and that one, where she carved an image of Celestia's... Flank into a mountain face." Applejack said.
"But there's over seventy thousand pages of them, while most of them aren't all that bad, the sheer number of misdeeds she's performed easily outclass even Discord!" Twilight exclaimed. Suddenly a piece of cardboard attached to a string lowered in front of Twilight's face, obscurring her vision. Swatting it away, she noticed there was writing on it, which she read aloud. "Take your friend to the hospital, you dolts." Then remembering Pinkie's condition, she rapidly checked out the book and followed her friends to the nearest hospital.
Ponyville, Sugar Cube Corner
"So, what you're saying, is that you could bake me a tray of cupcakes, with skittles in them?" Illogic asked the nonplussed Mr. Cake in front of her.
"Why of course, we do it all the time with chocolate chips, why would skittles be any different?" Mr. Cake said.
"Excellent, then I shall take a dozen and pay you in gophers!" Illogic boomed.
"We don't accept gophers as payment." Mr. Cake said, gesturing to a sign on a nearby wall that said 'we do not accept gophers as payment'.
"Hmm, how about a bar of phlebotinum? Never know when you'll need a plot device." Illogic suggested, pulling out an ingot of a dull, yet very important seeming metal.
"Well, never know when Pinkie might have another one of her fits, so I'll take it!" He said, accepting the proffered ingot and two bags of skittles. "They'll be ready in a half hour, until then make yourself comfortable."
"Alrighty then." Illogic said, twirling over to a chair and sitting down on it. Deciding to listen to some music to pass the time, she pulled a pair of headphones out of her pocket and placed them on her head, before adjusting them to a random station and listening to some music. After several minutes of listening to annoying pop songs, when a turquoise ponies heavy breathing reached crictical annoyance. "Do you mind? You're kind of being to weird me out, and that's saying something."
"Huh?" The unicorn said as if coming back to her senses. "Sorry, I was just admiring... The, uh... Can I touch your mammaries?" The unicorn finally said. It is said that the pimp slap devilered that day echoed across space-time and was felt by all with a strong attraction to mammaries.
"Now go home and become less of a pervert." Illogic growled at the snivelling unicorn in front of her.
"S-sorry!" The unicorn stuttered before fleeing and leaving behind a trail of tears, and a yellow pony with a two toned purple and dark blue mane glaring at her.
"What?" Illogic asked innocently.
"You could've just let her touch them, all she was going to do was to check to see if you had any tumorous growths, she IS the towns only doctor trained in dealing with cancer, ya know." The pony said with a snarky tone.
"I can't get cancer, or tumours, or any form of sickness."
"How?" The pony asked curiously.
"Just because."
"Because what?"
"No, just BECAUSE. No reason, simply just because."
"That doesn't make sense, there HAS to be a reason."
"There is a reason, just because. That's all the reason I need to be immune to all contaminants."
"Please don't tell me you're like Pinkie." The pony dead panned.
"Don't know her, but my motto is this, 'Fuck Logic'. And so far it's gotten me this far, so why change it?"
"Excuse me? Miss, your cupcakes are done." Mr. Cake called from the counter.
"Now then, I'm going to go get my order, miss...?"
"Bonbon, and the mare you slapped so hard I could feel it, was Lyra."
"Nice to meet you, I'm Je-" Illogic began before an obnoxiously loud bird cawed and cut her off. "-Well, I'll be seeing you." She continued while collecting her food and then exiting the store.
"I think I should tell somepony about her. And why wasn't I panicking at the sight of a strange unknown creature?" Bonbon thought aloud as she walked out of the store.
Meanwhile, sitting on a cloud above a park, Illogic was happily munching on her skittles infused cupcakes whilst listening to illegally downloaded music. Humming along to the music blaring through her headphones happily, she was cause unaware when a grey and blonde blur smacked into her and sent her tumbling to the ground. Standing up and dusting herself off, bruises, scrapes, and dirt alike, before turning to the ballistic pony that had impacted her so rudely.
"Hey, miss clutz, why'd you smack into me like that?" Illogic demanded.
"I detected a threat to muffin superiority and had to snuff it out!" The pony replied.
"Please, everyone knows cupcakes are superior." Illogic rebutted.
"Nuh-uh, Muffins are the best baked good around, hooves down." The pony said with a glare.
"Cupcakes win hands down." Illogic said whilst sticking her tongue out at the pony, confusing her at how performing the two simultaneously was even possible.
"I'll make you eat those words!" The pony growled, scraping the ground with one of its hooves.
"Come at me, bro!" Illogic taunted, which caused the pony to charge her. Dodging with casual ease, Illogic smacked the pony on the flank, causing her to fumble and trip over her hooves, much to Illogic's enjoyment. Laying dazed against a park bench, the pony proved incapable of continuing the battle. Illogic stuck a pose as music started to play from nowhere and a muffin trophy appeared floating in the air before her. Grabbing the trophy, Illogic shoved it inside her hoodie and danced her way down the street as the music began to fade.
Smiling happily to herself, Illogic withdrew a skittles cupcake from her pocket and chowed down on it while walking towards what her meta-sources told her, was the Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville's premier, and only, public library. Once she reached the door, she immediately opened it and stepped inside, causing various onlookers to gasp at the sheer audacity she had to... walk into a public library without knocking. Realising their eternal foolishness, the ponies quickly scurried on by to make themselves seem less stupid for having always knocked. Upon entry to the library, Illogic was met with several dozen shelves of books and a small purple and green dragon surrounded by comic books and chowing down on ice cream. Ignoring the oblivious fire hazard, she walked over to a shelf and picked out a book at random.
"Cutsie Wootsie Bunnies and you, by Fluttershy. Seems like it'll be a pointless read." She said before returning it to its shelf and picking out another one. "Advanced quantum magical equeations and applied theoretical uses." She read aloud from her next choice, finally catching the dragons attention.
"Whoa, that shouldn't be up here. Twilight'd kill me if she knew that got placed up here." He said before waddling over and snatching the book out of Illogics hands.
"Eh, it's alright, why would I need to read a book I wrote, anyway?" Illogic asked the drake, who stared at her like she was an idiot.
"Everypony knows that this book was written by Starswirl the Bearded." The dragon said with a scoff.
"I doubt that, since he was born twelve hundred years ago, whereas I arrived here eighteen hundred and four years ago, therefore I am right, and you are wrong. Ha." Illogic said, beating the dragon with sound reasoning.
"Only dragons and the princesses themselves could live for that long, and you're neither."
"They're not the only immortals here, ya know. But enough me curbstomping you with my superior intelligence, what's your name, tiny one?"
With a huff at the degrading name, the dragon introduced himself. "I'm Spike, number one assistant to Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's personal student. And you are?"
Taking a look around the entire room, Illogic finally deemed that nothing would interrupt her. "I! Am Jenny Strom! Master of Logic, Bitchin Manipulator of Magic, and the Reason Gravity is Such a Bitch! But you can just call me jenny."
"That's an interesting introduction." Spike said with a deadpan. "And those claims are absurd, nopony can master logic, or manipulate magic, and Gravity is always mean."
"If ya say so. Say, I'm gonna stay here a while and read every book you have, that fine with you?"
"Not at all, this IS a public library after all."
"Cheers." Jenny/Illogic said before grabbing a bunch of books at random and sitting down at the table. After several hours of reading, Jenny had finally made it through every single joke and prank book in the library. Deciding that that was good enough, she stood up from her book throne, stealthily pocketed Twilight's diary, and left to go procure a meal before doing things. Upon exiting the library, she looked up at the sun and deduced that it was mid to late afternoon, the giant clock in her peripheral vision also helped with that calculation. Feeling in the mood for something fancy, she set out to find a pizza store. Couldn't be that hard, after all pizza is nearly a universal constant.
One Agonizingly Pizzaless Hour Later
"Why couldn't this be one of those Equestrias with pizza?!" Jenny Yelled to the heavens, scaring the daylights out of several nearby ponies. Sulk walking into a nearby cafe, she decided to buy something nutritious than tasty, much to her inner child's abhorrence. Sitting down at a table, a waiter came up to her.
"Welcome to Pony Presto's Cafe and Ice Cream Shop, what is your order?"
"Just sat down, didn't even look at the menu yet, but I'll take a hamburger, I guess." At her order, the pony looked at her quizzically.
"What, exactly, IS a hamburger?" He asked. All he got in reply was Jenny vanishing in a cloud of nope. She later reappeared in everyone's conflicting emotion inducing movie: Equestria Girls. Showing a blatant disregard for the rules of the road, she began walking in the centre of a busy intersection whilst scanning the nearby buildings for signs of pizza. After walking down the same road for several minutes, a police officer grabbed her shoulder and spun her around to face them.
"Miss, don't you know it's dangerous to walk in the middle of the road?" The police officer asked, as Jenny noticed the name on his badge and let out a snerk. "What's so funny?" The police officer growled.
"Your name, it's so stupid. Now then, if you'll excuse me, I have a pizza store to find." And with that she slipped out of the police officers grip and sprinted down the street faster than the cars were going. Grumbling to himself, the police officer returned to the side walk and called in about a potential mental ward escapee. Still looking for a pizza store, Jenny caught sight of an internet cafe, deeming it her most logical choice to find out about local pizza stores, she barrel rolled through the front door and ended up standing in front of an amused store clerk.
"Lemme guess, you're here for the gaming tournament?"
"No, I'm here to access a computer so as to track down a pizza store."
"Oh. All our computers are being used for the tournament. Can't help you there... Where'd she go?" The clerk asked as the sound of scare-roused nerds filled the air.
"You guys are nerds, you should know where a pizza store is? Right?" Jenny said with a not-so-subtlely creepy smile on her face, which was causing the horde of nerds in front of her to become conflicted about what they should be feeling at that moment.
"Uh, turn right when you exit the building, travel for three blocks, turn left, travel for nine blocks, turn right, and travel for half a block, there's a store right there!" A terrified nerd jabbered.
"Thank you. Here, have this." Jenny said, tossing the nerd a PS4 before sprinting out of the building and following the instructions given to her. Whereas the nerds were marvelling over the hot chick who had just thrown one of them a mysterious gaming console. After about seven blocks, Jenny picked up on a commotion ahead. Stopping next to a large group of people, she casually (Read: Subtlety teleported) to the front of the group. Upon doing so, she saw that it was merely an arm wrestling competition, where the prize for beating the champion was a thousand bits. Shrugging, Jenny declared she was next, much to the amusement of the entire crowd.
After they cleared away the snivelling form of the previous contender, plus one shattered elbow, Jenny took a seat across from the champion, who wore a smirk on his face. "I won't go easy on you, pretty lady, so I hope you can afford the hospital bill." He said smugly.
"Here's hoping your universes medical science is up for cloning limbs." She replied with equal smugness. Placing her arm on the table in front of her, her opponent did likewise. Gripping hands, the crowd watched on with baited breath as the referee declared the match had begun. There was an ominous silence as the crowd watch the not even struggling Jenny match her opponent contemptuous ease, while the opponent himself was struggling to even get her arm to even budge. Deciding it was time enough, she twisted her arm and promptly shattered her opponents shoulder with a sickening crunch. Collecting her winnings, she left the severely injured man behind and proceeded to the pizza store, where she ordered a ham and cheese pizza, and enjoyed a nice dinner before nopeportating back to Equestria, where she then jumped on a cloud and went to sleep.