//------------------------------// // Of Marshmallows and Rainbow Hair // Story: Of Vodka and Cider // by UglyTurnip //------------------------------// ". . . Don't know. . . Came out of forest. . . Seems friendly. . . We do with him?" Nikolai began to stir from his nap, and his eyes fluttered open as he simultaneously let out a sharp yawn. He sat up and breathed a sigh of relieved. "Ugh," Nikolai groaned as he stretched. "Dempsey, I had a dream where I met a yellow pony and she invited me over for vodka. My mind must be-" Nikolai tilted his head where he thought Dempsey was, only to see the yellow pony, along with five other differently colored ones. His expression did not change. They all eyed him with various levels of curiosity. "Crap. OK, I think I'll just go back to sleep, good night everybody!" He waved dismissively before laying back onto the couch. "Wait!" The purple one ordered, stopping the movement of the now sober Russian. "Eh, what is it, purple one? Nikolai needs more sleep. . . Or maybe a drink," he chuckled the last part to himself. Nevertheless, he did manage to sit up and give attention to the alicorn among them. "So, Nikolai was it? I'm Twilight Sparkle. Pleased to meet you," she smiled diplomatically at the Russian, who just gave her a bored stare. Twilight glanced around, the awkwardness in the room so thick you could have cut it with Takeo's samurai sword. "Hello. . . Twilight Sparkle? What kind of name is that?" Nikolai seemed to seriously ponder this. "What kind of name is Nikolai?" One of the other ponies, a cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail, shot back. "It's normal where I came from, rainbow hair," Nikolai replied, his tone getting defensive. "And where in Celestia's name would that be?" The cyan pegasus asked, irritated. "And do NOT call me rainbow hair!" She added with growl. Nikolai gave thought to whether he should test her resolve, but he decided it wouldn't be worth it, especially if all six of the ponies decided to gang up on him. He answered truthfully. "The Soviet Union." The ponies gave each other confused glances, obviously they never heard of such a land. "Wherever that place is, it sure has a revolting sense of fashion," The white unicorn commented, eyeing Nikolai's blood-tattered Red Army military attire. "Burning that outfit would be doing it a favor." Nikolai, now eyeing her in particular, chuckled merrily. "Hey, white one. You look like a big marshmallow." The unicorn wasn't sure if that was a compliment, or an insult. She did not reply, either way. "Ya' certainly look weird," an orange pony with a strong southern accent added her two cents. "And so do you, orange hick horse." The earth pony gasped at the insulting nickname, and changed her curious stare to an outright glare. "Enough!" Twilight stomped her hoof, hoping to defuse any tension before things got really bad. She turned to Nikolai. "Can you tell us your story?" She requested politely. Nikolai opened his mouth to tell his story, albeit with a lot more drama and self-praising (Not to mention painting Takeo as a cowardly fool) than the truth, when he heard a loud gasp. The pink pony, the only one that hadn't said anything yet cut him off. "Wait! I wanna guess!" She insisted. Nikolai shrugged, even though she would get it wrong anyway. The pink pony pondered deep in thought, saying nothing, before finally. . . Snapping her hoof? "Aha! I got it! You are from a world where the dead have risen to attack the living, thanks to the madness of two German scientists, one of them you know. Your story actually began on a frozen battlefield, where you met two other agents from different nations sent to seize one of the German scientists. Wanting to claim the prize for your homeland, you threatened to kill them both, but couldn't, because the dead attacked," the pony paused to gasp air. "You ended up escaping, and so did the other three. Fast forward 27 years, and the German scientist has gone insane, and captured you, one of the other agents, and a random agent from another nation. But the scientist was loco, I mean, REALLY loco, and killed the random agent. So they brought in another test subject, which happened to be the other agent from all those years ago! He experimented on you three, and made you turn into a massive alcoholic! Then, you three followed him to a swamp, and a factory! Then, one agent accidentally fired a weapon that warped a machine to this universe, and that's how you got here!" She ended with a bright smile. "Pinkie, that's a ridiculous assumption," Twilight rolled her eyes, annoyed at the hyperactivity of her friend. She turned back to Nikolai and flashed a knowing smirk. "Now, Nikolai, the real story? Nikolai?" The Russian simply sat, wide-eyed. "How? How did pink pony know!?" Twilight's snarky smirk dropped into a look of shock. What were the odds?! Pinkie just continued flashing her perky grin, oblivious to how amazing it was for her to correctly guess all that. Nikolai decided to inform the ponies of the full names of the other three super-soldiers. "The others were Tank Dempsey, the American Agent, Dr. Edward Richtofen, the German, and," Nikolai pondered the name of the last agent, which of course was his arch-rival Takeo. "I think the last one was Takeo Mudsaki, wait, Masaki." "You got to admit," rainbow hair spoke again. "Those are some weird names." "So is Twilight Sparkle, rainbow hair," Nikolai countered with a deadpan expression. The cyan pegasus let out a groan. "It's Rainbow Dash!" She cried in frustration. "Oh, Rainbow Dash, yep, weird. Are you perhaps a homosexual? Nikolai doesn't judge." Rainbow Dash's cyan face flushed a bright red, shocked by the Russian's sudden assumption. "What? No! Twilight, can I hit this guy? Please?" Twilight eyed Rainbow Dash and shook her head. "No, Rainbow, he's just experiencing a little. . . Culture shock," she leaned in closer and whispered so Nikolai couldn't hear. "Also, that thing on the table might be a weapon of some kind," she nodded at Nikolai's MP40, which quietly lied on the nearby table. She turned back to Nikolai. "I guess we should introduce the rest of us. Who's up first?" She turned and asked all the other ponies except Rainbow. Orange hick pony was the first to step up. She managed a friendly grin. "Ah' guess we got off on tha' wrong foot, pard'ner. Ah'm Applejack. Nice to meetcha'!" She extended a friendly hoof and found a way to vigorously shake his hand. Nikolai arched an eyebrow. "Oh ho ho, a pony named after an alcoholic drink. Nikolai thinks we shall get along famously, Applejack!" "Uh, likewise," Applejack responded, unsure of Nikolai's priorities. She eyed the white pony, who had decided that she would go next, and nodded. As Applejack stepped back, the white pony took her place. The unicorn cleared her throat, trying her best to focus on Nikolai himself and not his outfit. "Uh. . ." "Is there a problem, white pony?" Rarity finally shook her head back into focus. "Oh, sorry! No problem at all! And please, call me Rarity. It is my name, after all. How about later, I'll make you an outfit to replace that hideous stitching? My treat!" She was obviously still physically disturbed by his clothing. "No thanks, Rarity, this is my Red Army uniform. I can't just get rid of it, it would soil my name." "Well, if I ever meet this 'Red Army', I'll be sure to give them some fashion tips," she frowned, a look of determination burned in her eyes. "They NEED some!" She started to move away, but turned her head back to face Nikolai. "If you happen to change your mind, I run the Carousel Boutique in town. I'm sure I could whip up something that would suit your taste." "Da, OK, who's next?" Nikolai impatiently acknowledged her offer. His eyes narrowed when he saw the pink one bounce her way up to him. "Oh, it's you, pink pony. Tell me, how did you know my story?" "Hmm. Lucky guess?" Pinkie truthfully stated. Nikolai's eyes narrowed even more, not believing her at all. "What? Oh, of course! I haven't introduced myself! Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! And I know we're just going to be the bestest of friends! Oh, I know! I'll throw you a 'Welcome to our Universe!' Party! It will be great! Everyone in Ponyville will get to meet you!" She bounced over to Twilight. "Wouldn't it be great, Twilight? Huh?" Nikolai, once again thinking that the party would provide alcohol, quickly smiled and nodded his head, forgetting about Pinkie's incredible guessing skills. "Nikolai loves you, Pink pon-. . . Pinkie!" Twilight was still serious as ever, but she did manage a nod and small smile. "Sure Pinkie, a party will be nice, I'm sure Nikolai would appreciate it very much." "Of course! Nikolai always loves a good drink. . . I mean, party! Yeah!" Nikolai exclaimed. He looked over the ponies in the room, and noticed that the yellow one was absent. "Hey, where did yellow pony go?" Nikolai asked. "I liked her, she was cute." The other five ponies looked around for Fluttershy, who had apparently slipped our when nobody was looking. However, as if on cue, Fluttershy walked into the cottage, balancing a silver tray with seven glasses of water on it. She smiled warmly at her friends and Nikolai. "I hope it's OK with everyone, but I slipped out and grabbed some drinks for everyone." "Hello, yellow pony! Nikolai bids you warm greeting." "Uh, you can call me Fluttershy, unless it bothers you too much." "It's nice to see you again, Fluttershy!" Pinkie also bid a warm welcome to her timid friend. "Thanks, Pinkie," Fluttershy acknowledged as she set a glass in everyone's lap. Nikolai took a sip from his cup, still thinking it was clear alcohol. Upon tasting clean spring water, however, he impulsively spat it out. . . All over Rainbow's face. "Is there a problem, Nikolai?" Twilight asked, still being polite despite their guest being less-than-tact." "This is worse vodka ever! Tastes like trench water!" "That's because it IS water, silly!" Pinkie informed Nikolai. "Fluttershy doesn't drink." Fluttershy looked ashamed of herself, and Rainbow Dash was glaring daggers at Nikolai. The only one in the room retaining a smile was Pinkie Pie. "Oh, Fluttershy," Nikolai felt bad about what he just did. "Nikolai apologizes for his outburst. He just gets a little. . . Emotional, without vodka." Fluttershy smiled again. "It's OK, Nikolai, I accept your apology." "Hey, what about me?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed after not hearing an apology for spitting water on her face. Nikolai faced her, put on a blank expression, and replied. "I do not like you, Rainbow Hair." He turned back to Fluttershy, who was now giving him a angry glare that bore right into his very soul. "But perhaps it was impolite of me to spit on you, Rainbow Dash," he added. Fluttershy quickly stopped glaring and smiled again. Nikolai quickly gulped down the rest of the water so as to not incur Fluttershy's wrath again. "Oooooooooo, what does this do?" Pinkie Pie asked, picking up Nikolai's MP40. Nikolai immediately went wide-eyed. "Pinkie! No!" He exclaimed, but Pinkie already put her hoof on the trigger, causing the gun to fire. Bullets spouted out of the weapon, luckily aimed higher than the heads of the ponies and Russian. After the clip was emptied, Pinkie looked up to see exactly 32 bullets holes inside Fluttershy's cottage. All of the other five ponies cowered behind furniture, while Nikolai had hit the deck. Pinkie quickly put the gun down, and gave an embarrassed grin. "Oopsie. . ."