//------------------------------// // Chapter Five: Where Proffered Prosperity Provides The Perky Purple Percolated Princess Potently Powerful Potential // Story: The Demesne of the Reluctant Twilight Sparkle // by MrNumbers //------------------------------// "Doctor Princess Twilight Sparkle?" "Coffee, coffee, need more coffee, obviously still dreaming--" "Doctor Princess?" an annoying figment of my imagination calls behind me. You know, I'm starting to really acquire a taste for this coffee/chocolate syrup combo. It's intense, that's for sure, but in a good way. Kind of like Pinkie Pie. "Doctor Princess Sparkle?" the figment tries again, her voice wavering between concern and exasperation. Mostly concern. "I am definitely awake," I breathe, "and you are probably real and not just a figment of my imagination. Are you? It would explain a lot." "Well, I hope I'm not," Golden murmurs behind me. I appear to have given her a very justified existential crisis-- When you're around a unicorn as powerful as I am, and they inform you that you're probably just a rogue part of an overly active imagination, you have very good reason to entertain the possibility. Wait, was that boasting? I hope that wasn't boasting. "Sorry, Ms. Retriever. You are not a figment of my overactive imagination," I reply in the most formal, self-assured tone of which I'm capable. I surreptitiously pull out a book from my shelf labelled "In Case Of Philosophical Emergency!" (which sees surprisingly frequent use since my move to Ponyville) and levitate it over to her. She sees it and plucks it from the air, clutching it to her chest as if she were drowning in the desert and it were a life preserver made of cool water. "Solipsism and You: I read therefore I think therefore I am," she reads aloud, then dives in without any further hesitation. Good, let her deal with that whilst I deal with the unprincessly sum of bits resting on my coffee table. I approach it cautiously, as if any sudden moves might make it disappear. Maybe that's why banks have those huge vaults; they don't want to worry about all their money escaping. It's still there. I poke it tentatively with a hoof. It shifts, just like any other little piece of paper would. Frankly, the poet in me is a bit miffed that its metaphorical weight doesn't translate into physical weight... but, no, the net value of a very large corporation is resting on a tiny little piece of paper, and that is all it remains. Maybe I should poke it a bit more? I do. Pokity pokey poke poke. My muzzle is resting on the desk by this point so the offending, but not offensive in the slightest, cheque remains at eye level, where it continues to do nothing. "I have no idea where I could find a bank that would accept a transaction that large," I admit in defeat. Golden Retriever glances up from her book curiously. "What about your federal bank of Ponyville?" "My federal bank? I'm sorry, Ms. Retriever, but I don't have a federal bank." Golden sits there in silence for a moment before her grin widens to shark like proportions, or like Pinkie Pie's face when she catches Rainbow Dash in hide and seek and Rainbow hasn't realized it. "You do now, Doctor Princess Sparkle." I return her smile with the smile Dash has when she realizes it's her turn to seek. "I'm sorry, Discord, but no." I don't know what chaos senses were, but I resented that his were tingling. "You're letting Pinkie Pie help!" The mad god whines, gesturing at Pinkie Pie hard at work with all her mathematical doohickeys and dongles on the tree stump next to us. "And she's almost as random and chaotic as I am." "Thanks!" Pinkie grins, her eyes obscured by big, pink fluffy blobs of mane which are being forced down by the big, bright yellow hardhat she's wearing. There's no construction going on yet, but she said she needed to feel 'sufficiently architecturey' and I decided not to question her methods. I just gave her this field near town, got Golden to fill out some forms I'd need (and get a train ticket from Canterlot), and decided to step back and let Pinkie work some of her own, unique, magic. "Any time, dear." Discord sighs. "So why can't I help, again? I have infinite power and I'm bored!" "You say that like it's helping your case." I point out. "You're both creative whirling-dervishes of madness and chaos, that much is true. There are two big things that Pinkie Pie has that you don't, though, Discord." I hold one wing up, leaning the other way so the shift in balance doesn't make me fall over -- see, I'm learning! -- "My trust." Discord raises a finger on his paw and opens his mouth, but I don't let him interrupt. I cut him off with my second wing. "And!" I pause dramatically. "A masters in applied engineering." Discord blinks and stares at Pinkie Pie. "A degree? You?" "Oh, don't sound so shocked." Pinkie Pie pokes her tongue out. "Party cannons and candy-copters don't grow on trees you know. Unless they're fac-trees!" She giggles at her own pun. Discord and I share a bemused glance. "Oh, and I made this funny little thingamadoohickie for Twilight now that I found all her old chums in Canterlot!" Really, Pinkie? Chums? Ignoring me, Pinkie Pie pulls a thick cylinder of paper out of her mane, supported through the middle by a metal rod. She spins it. Why would I-- ooh! It's sorted alphabetically! "It's an index and it twirls! I call it a rollydex, because it's an index and it's rolly. I was going to make one filled with my friends, but I think I just invented the phonebook by mistake." "What's a phone?" Discord and I ask in perfect synchronicity. We glance at each other and shrug. "I dunno, but whatever it is I have a book for it." Pinkie beams triumphantly. "This. This is the pony you are entrusting as your architect?" Discord mutters. "Doesn't this stuff require a lot of boring mathematics and equations and what have you?" Pinkie Pie bobs her helmeted head in affirmation. "Yep! Just call me Pinkie Pi!" "We already do," he says dryly. "No, I mean Pi without the e. No! Wait, e is a totally awesome number too! Call me Pinkie Pi e!" "That's dreadfully-- Twilight, please stop laughing, I'm trying to tell your friend that wasn't funny, and your laughter is somewhat detrimental to my argument." Must. Stop laughing. At math jokes. Can't. Breathe. "She likes graph jokes too." Pinkie Pie nods at the mad god sagely. "And puns. Puns are pretty nifty. So you combine them and you get--" and here Pinkie lifts up her copy of the blueprints so far "--a Pie chart!" Oh that is so awful so why am I laughing? Discord, stop judging me I can't help it! Okay, fine, judge me a little... Still, Discord looks annoyed and bored. This is a terrible combination for all involved. "Pinkie Pie, would you mind terribly if Discord helped?" "What?!" she shrieks. Discord's looking at me contemplatively, wondering what exactly it is that I'm up to. It sounds like I'm trying to do something nice for him? It's obviously a trap. Usually he's right, but I'm still going to act indignant about it if he says anything. "Well, I'm trying to design a thief-proof vault. I want it to be safe against everything, and I mean everything, and the only two beings I know capable of thinking of everything, between them, are you two." "I think I can handle it without his 'help', though." She glares at me. Well, I think she glares, I can't see her eyes through the mane shunted by the hard hat. Maybe she isn't glaring and I'm just projecting my thoughts of what I'd do if I were in her situation? "Well, yes, but he'd be your assistant, so he could help exactly as much or as little as you like. Even if it's just to get you drinks." I nudge Discord in the ribs. He glances at me, makes a little 'oh!' noise, and with a snap of his fingers a chocolate-fudge cloud raining strawberry milk appears above and beside Pinkie Pie's head. "A color-swapped twist on an old classic." Discord said brightly, shooting me a surreptitious glance that said, "Okay, now what?" Just wait, Discord. Let the sugar sway her. "Hrrm... Well, he could make testing the models a lot faster," Pinkie murmured thoughtfully. Great. If anypony could keep Discord safely entertained it would be Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy was fantastic, for sure, but she wasn't exactly the life of Discord's perpetual-motion party. "Great!" I say aloud, delightedly, pushing the pair together a bit. "I need to get to the train station." Pinkie Pie saluted me as Discord started to contort his body fantastically so he could read over and around Pinkie. As I trotted away I heard Discord ask; "Are these pie cannons?" "Banana cream!" She confirmed brightly. Flying now, away from the blast area, thanking the foresight to bequeath Pinkie Pie an empty field. "Ready, Applejack?" She did say she'd be in charge of labour. "Eeyup." "Ready, Rainbow Dash?" She did volunteer for crowd control. "Probably." She shrugged, "I still don't know what for." I didn't volunteer to tell them, though. Part of a benevolent dictatorship is having fun keeping secrets. Celestia knows that. "Well, I'm sort of trying to keep it a surprise." I grin in spite of myself, "But it's going to be a good one, and I need some very, very strong ponies that I can trust." Big Mac and, yes, that delightful pegasus who appears to have had bowling balls surgically implanted into his shoulders are hooked up to two carts behind them, Applejack with her brother and Rainbow Dash with Muscles. The train appeared in the distance. One minute, fourteen seconds until arrival. "It's looking a mite slower than usual." Applejack mutters. She's right. Recalculating to account for sizeable mass of cargo. "Twilight." Rainbow stares. "Is whatever you brought us here for heavy enough to slow down the Ponyville Express?" I just smile. This is going to be good. Recalculating. "It's from Canterlot, we know that much." Applejack points out. "It's big. It's big and it's from Canterlot." Rainbow murmurs back. They both think in silence for a moment. Recalculation finished: Fifty three seconds. "Is it--" "Dash, I don't think Luna's heavy enough." "Darn." I-- what? Also how did Applejack know what Rainbow was-- Forty four seconds. "Maybe--" "Not even if Celestia's with her, sugarcube." Is friend-based telepathy an actual thing or is Dash just that predictable to AJ? Both? Neither? Thirty eight seconds. "Maybe it's crystals from the crystal caves Chrysalis uncovered?" Dash buzzes, beginning to hover midair. "Maybe," Applejack says slowly. "Sounds a bit too much like a Darin' Do book." Good guess though. Thirty two seconds. The brakes grind and groan against the track, heavy metal on equally unyielding metal. "Geez, I really hate that sound." "Ain't nuthin' compared to the sound Mac made when we squeezed him inta Granny's girdle." Applejack shoots back, grinning slyly. I stare at Big Macintosh, still waiting patiently by the cart. He shrugs and smiles at me amicably. "Lost a bet," is all he says as AJ and Rainbow banter between themselves. "Ah." First Pinkie Pie in a chicken suit, I really don't need this mental image too. What's Bulk doing? Oh. Bench pressing the cart. Wait, Big Mac's been here the whole time and I've barely even noticed him? I look back and, no, he's just as hunky-dory as he's always been. Maybe even more so with that cart hooked up to him. I wonder why it's not bothering me at the moment? I'm going to have to ask Golden about that later, she'd probably know. "Come on, Twilight, just tell us!" Rainbow moans, buzzing around the train station in annoyance. Fortunately nopony else is here for her to irritate; the train's not scheduled to be here today. "Any second now," I sing-song with saccharine sweetness, just because I know it messes with them. They bite. "That ain't fair--" "Aw, c'mon, really--" The train stops in front of us. The doors slide open slowly, and there's a blinding flash as the first rays of sunlight glint off the carriage full of gold bullion in front of us. That frazzles them, let me tell you. Their mouths close, then fall open with an audible 'whump'. "Twilight." "Yes, Applejack?" I reply, sweet-as-sugar, as Applejack and Snowflake pull alongside the carriage. "This carriage is full of gold," she points out. "Why, it most certainly is." "I must admit, sugarcube, I am pretty surprised." Rainbow just stares at me making frustrated gestures and sounds, hovering beside AJ in place for the moment. "What? Wait, no, no wait, what?!" Applejack takes her hat off and clutches it to her chest. Then, suddenly, she thrusts it into Rainbow's chest, who grabs it, stunned. "Come on, pardner, it ain't gonna go liftin' itself whilst you're standing there gawkin'." "It might." Rainbow muttered. "How do you know if you won't even give it a chance?" "Twi ain't payin' us for nuthin', Dash." I grin at Applejack. "Who ever said I was paying you four?" "Sugarcube, you got a train car full o' money. You better believe you're payin' for this." I glance inside the carriage and lift two very sizeable piles of bullion with a grunt. If I can lift a flipping water tower I can lift a few dumb gold bricks. The piles are carefully lowered into a cart each, so as not to break the axles. Gold is heavy with literal and metaphorical weight! Much better than a cheque. "Okay, so... We're not lifting it then?" Rainbow shoots me a sidelong look. "So, what, we're just here to look good?" She pauses to consider that. "Actually, yeah, that's something I'm totally okay with." "Well, you'll be unloading them," I point out as I magic a tarp over the carts. "But mostly I need you girls to guard the carts. Make sure nopony gets too close. Just, please don't make a big deal out of it, I don't want to draw unnecessary suspicion." "Twi--" "Yes, Applejack, I am asking Rainbow Dash not to draw attention to herself. This is the flaw in my plan to have two cartponies lug several tonnes of gold across town and deposit them in a field with Spike and hope nopony touches it based on what is tantamount to the honour system." Applejack stares at me a long second, then just gives me an amiable shrug. "Alright then, so long as you know what yer doin', Princess." Glad I'm giving that impression... but, no, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. "So, yes, dump it in the field with Pinkie Pie and Discord, next to Spike, then come back for more." "We have to do the whole carriage?" was Rainbow's incredulous reply. Wait, wait, she asked that question specifically? Using those words? Ooh, I've been practicing my response all day for this. "Rainbow Dash, I'm not asking you to unload the carriage." With another spark of my horn the latches on three more freight cars slide away, doors opening to reveal more of that same, beautiful, shimmering shine of gold bullion hitting sunlight. Actually, the last carriage was loaded with sacks of bits, since not a lot of ponies can make change for a gold bar. "I'm asking you to unload the whole train." Her jaw drops. AJ gingerly pushes it back in place, nice and neighbourly. "Ain't ponies going to be a mite suspicious--" "Just have Rainbow Dash draw their attention away if they look too closely. I'll be guarding the station, Spike should be able to handle the other end for now." "Spike?" Rainbow blurts out. The other three stare at her, then stare at me. Darn it, I was hoping she wouldn't notice that, at least until she was out of earshot. "It's... complicated. Look, we're safer the fewer ponies know, which is why I needed you four. I have my absolute trust in you not to spill the beans, or bullion, and run off. You can't have the guard involved without somepony getting suspicious, and the ponies that would get suspicious would tell more ponies, so you'd need more guards to protect so much money, which is even more suspicious, until you just flat out have a bank detail in Ponyville." "So, why don't you?" Big Mac asks me lazily. He can be such a loudmouth when he wants to be. I'll forgive him, of course. "Because that wouldn't be part of the totally brilliant plan I made that requires secrecy." Translation, I totally forgot that was an option now that I can actually afford it. Shoot. "Now, off you go. I'll be waiting." And waiting. And waiting. Rainbow Dash pulls out a pair of aviators from behind a wing which, really, isn't that confusing after seeing Pinkie Pie pull heavy artillery from her mane. Cannons make for very effective hair dryers apparently. I can honestly just take it for granted that Rainbow Dash has a pair of shades tucked away in case of emergency. "Alright, we are the first, last and only line of defense in this mare's army right now!" Rainbow declares, putting on her Wonderbolts’ voice. I mean, the one she used when she was trying to sound professional and authoritative, not the one that she put on when she was talking about the Wonderbolts. That's her fangirl voice, and it is adorable. "This is like, a heck of a lot of money right here." She breaks role for a moment to whisper an aside to me. "I mean, wow, did Celestia just cut you a cheque with a bunch of zeroes on the end or something?" "Luna." "Oh. Cool." Right back into professional announcement mode to a rather amused Applejack, stoic Big Mac and Bulk, who... looks almost on the verge of tears. "This is the lifeblood of the new Ponyville order! This is what will found a fledgeling nation! With this we hold the entire future of Twilight's domain, and though it is a heavy burden, it is a burden we shall shoulder gladly, for we are the few, the proud, the wagon-carriers!" "YEAH!" "Eeyup." "That was mighty movin' Dash. Now, try to act inconspicuous-like, we've got a long walk ahead of us." "Right. Troops! Fall out!" That's just met with confused looks. She massages her temples with a hoof. It appears she's mourning the moment we had all just collectively killed. "It means let's go." So they did. Leaving me alone with a huge train of money, all by myself. Not a problem. It's not like some ponies could smell money or anything. Gold's pretty inert, doesn't give off much of a scent at all. All I have to do is close the doors, wait for the teams to get back, and nopony's the wiser. This is totally going to go off without a hitch. It's only five minutes of avidly staring at the train and thinking about what I'm going to do with all that money that I realize I should probably be watching the entrances, too. Fortunately a pony taps me on the shoulder to remind me, courteously. "Good day, Princess." A cheerful, almost hungry, voice accompanied the friendly tap. "Hello, Mr. Rich." Shoot. Well, that certainly just happened. What just happened? I don't know really what happened, I just know that it, in fact, most certainly did happen. Let's go over it again, shall we? Filthy Rich's money senses started tingling. Filthy Rich discovers my plan. Filthy Rich... bargained at me. Hard. That's where everything starts getting a little hazy. So he wants to spread out from Barnyard Bargains into real estate. Fine. So Barnyard Bargains has powerful connections in the construction industry, what with supplying a lot of their raw materials and tools. Also fine. So he wants a symbiotic partnership to enable the fast and exponential growth of Ponyville. Totally fine, too. That all sounded fine. Utterly, reasonably fine. However, when a businessman starts sounding completely and utterly reasonable on his first offer, particularly when that offer is being made next to a literal trainload of the client's money, you know something has gone terribly, terribly awry. I feel like the mouse staring at the cheese. The fact that I couldn't see a trap, smell a trap or feel a trap just proved it was a very, very good trap. This must have been how Discord felt earlier. Celestia, Luna and Cadance above, what in Tartarus had I just agreed to? I’d have to ask Golden later. And get her something nice. How do you make it up to a pony who's insulted by the nature of their own name? Who's teased about it-- Oh. Oh, now that was a very good idea. In fact, it might just work on top of all that. Okay, so, talk to my new resident scrivener, then talk to Golden, then talk to Filthy Rich again. Preferably with a lawyer. A good one. Unfortunately, I don't know any good lawyers. I have a Rarity, though. A Rarity might be even better. Right. Spike, then Golden, then Rarity and then finally Filthy. Which meant first talking to Discord and Pinkie Pie. But that might require leaving the gold unattended... This really was going to take all day if they still hadn't got back from the first cartload. No! Wait! Brilliant idea! Or is it incredibly stupid? Are stupid and brilliant even mutually exclusive? Only one way to find out I suppose. The big problem with cart loads is that gold is heavy, and there's a lot of it. Makes it hard to carry off the train... but the train did just fine didn't it? So why not just move the train? You'd just need tracks. Tracks are made of metal bars. The train is filled with metal bars, albeit soft and very expensive metal. The thing is it wouldn't have to last, it'd just have to work once. It'd be like the spell I used to turn raw boulders into hydroelectric dam wall again, only easier. A pair of bars levitates off the train, followed by another, and another. A new pair of train tracks starts to form across the old ones, melding seamlessly and taking a sharp bend left from the station, though not sharp enough to derail the train. The new tracks are easily distinguishable from the old ones, quite evident from the fact that they are bright yellow. Gold, one might even say. I push the train along the new tracks. The tracks below it warp dangerously but the train slides easily enough along. Eventually the whole train is lying entirely on train tracks that weren't there before. Now all I have to do is-- Oh. Oh, ha. Hahaha. Follow the yellow brick road I'm making for it. As soon as the surrogate track is long enough for the whole train to fit snugly on it I start lifting the pieces of track it came off, then moving them up to the front, like ancient ponies used to do using logs. Each piece of track pulls away, then clicks back into its brothers in the front line. Pull, click, pull, click, pull, click. It's very zen, and definitely lots of fun. I don't usually get to practice magic like this very often. Who would? Pull, click. Pull, click. I see a familiar earth pony staring at me. "Hello, Time Turner!" I wave cheerfully. He blinks back at me, then backs away slowly. What? All I'm doing is driving a train carrying gold on railway tracks made of gold through Main Street. Wait, Main Street? Yes, to my left is towards Carousel Boutique and to my right is Sugarcube Corner. Up ahead is the town hall. I... did not think this through. My despondent staring at the tracks I was so proud of thirty seconds ago is interrupted by Applejack's country twang. "There are many things you are good at, sugarcube, but subtlety just isn't one of 'em, is it?" Shoot. I grin hopefully at her. "Well, fancy bumping into you four. I was hoping I would." "We weren't even going this way." Rainbow trots up to the train, looking it up and down as if she didn't quite trust it to not pull faces at her as soon as she turned her back on it. Which is just silly, because trains don't care if you see them or not. "We just saw the train and figured there was only one explanation. We didn't know what that explanation was, exactly, but we knew it had to involve you." Hopeful grin warps into sheepish grin. "I thought this would save you guys a lot of work, and we could finish faster." "Let me guess," Rainbow adds before Applejack could stop her, "you were so in-the-zone about how clever you are and how eggheaded this plan was that you forgot to make sure nopony stole anything. Which is why you hired us in the first place." Er... Applejack looks very stern and serious for a moment. Her glare bores holes in the back of my head until I hear that little sound, like a snrkt, and her lip twitches a bit. Oh, goodness, it's just like Luna all over again, isn't it? AJ bursts into loud guffaws, and I swear I can see the first few hints of tears in her eyes. Rainbow flies over my shoulder. I glance back at the train and see another earth pony stallion reaching up to touch it, only to have his hoof batted away by a very frustrated-looking pegasus. "Hey, buddy, look but don't touch." "Geeze, okay, okay, you didn't have to be so rough." Rainbow snickers at that. I don't know why, it seems like a mean thing to laugh at a stallion telling you-- Oh. I get it now. Darn it Rainbow, keep it under your feathers. "What made you think heading this way was a good idea? Why didn't you just, y'know, go around the sides?" Applejack's twang made side sound like sahd, which makes me think for a moment how a pony can have such a radically different accent despite being raised just a few minutes walk away from town. It's only a moment because I have much, much more important things to worry about. Like answering her question. Her question why I didn't just sort of go around the side to stay out of notice. That question. Yep. Any second now. "Ah, Twilight?" Shoot. "Because sometimes, Applejack, I not a very clever pony. Not a very clever pony at all." Big Mac just snorts and smiles a little to himself. "Eeyup." Hey! Mean! Applejack glances at Bulk. "Go on, you can say it." "Really? You don't mind?" "Nah, go ahead." "YEAH!" "There we go." Rude. "Twilight, remember all those things you were worried about with us? You just did that to yourself, without payin' attention I might add, and there was a heckuva lot less of you to ambush. You're just lucky you've got, what is that thing you're always sayin', 'refuge in audacity' going for you." Oooh yeah. That would definitely be what you're thinking of. I got lucky. I was so stupid that I was brilliant. Doing it in one go like this doesn't give anypony who's caught on a chance to lay an ambush. Alright. Alright, deep breaths. This hasn't ended as badly as it could have. "Hey!" Rainbow shouts, "Let me go!" Oh. Oh shoot, oh shoot. Applejack's already dashed past me before I can turn around. By the time I do, I see what the issue is. A few opportunistic, and somewhat enterprising, ponies have gathered in a small mob and are, well, mobbing Rainbow Dash. There's only three- no, there's only four of them, but against only one Rainbow Dash. There's a crunch of snapped cartlidge. I watch in awe as the odds even out dramatically, Applejack having charged up to them and pivoted on her front hoof, transferring all her not-inconsiderable momentum onto the worst offender's muzzle, a mustard-coloured earth pony. Rainbow Dash frees herself. It looks like two earth ponies, a pegasus and a unicorn, one of whom is currently down for the count, crying like a little filly. I'd have thought they'd back off, but no. No, nothing is ever that easy. Rainbow tries to get some height but the unicorn starts plucking feathers. Not a difficult magical task but very certainly a mean one. It distracts her enough to stop her being of any use, but she has enough presence of mind to fight back the remaining earth pony's advance admirably. That leaves Applejack with the pegasus, who darts and ducks and weaves around her harried kicks, occasionally using his wings to kick up huge clouds of dust and dirt into her eyes. "Consarnit," she yells, "If Ah had mah rope you'd be hogtied right and pretty right now, slick." "Yeah, but you don't." His voice is nasally and high pitched. Ergo, really annoying. If a voice were kickable, you'd kick this voice. He flicks forward with a quick kick, which Applejack rolls with. Another one gets through her defenses, and I can hear her yelp in shock. Rainbow Dash isn't faring much better, with the unicorn jumping in physically as well as magically now even Dash's impressive martial arts skills aren’t enough for her to defend herself. Not when there's a trainload of gold on the line for these brutes. It's not a battle Dash and Applejack are likely to win on their own. I turn back and see that Bulk is gawping uselessly at the spectacle and Big Macintosh is having some trouble removing himself from his harness. I levitate them both up and over to the fight, much to their surprise. The cart falls away from Mac in the process, though, so he bears the 'assistance' with impressive stoicism. I throw them both like darts, Bulk at the unicorn, Macintosh at the pegasus. Bulk's scrawny little wings power him impressively, guiding him towards the unicorn and correcting my aim. Big Macintosh, however, just arms himself with a steely look and muscles that look like they're made of the same, cannonballing into the jerk who dares pick on his little sister. Abandon all hope all ye who pick on Mac's family, I can say that much. Especially if he gets a magically assisted ‘push’. It's like a Eweton's cradle. All the momentum Mac is carrying transfers, sending pegasus boy flying and not in the way he's used to. Mac stands stoic and steady in the pegasus's previous location, snorting like a bull, on the ground where the pegasus previously occupied. I walk a bit closer to the carriage. There's a smaller crowd gathering, obviously waiting to see how the first skirmish panned out before going for their pickings. I really, really lucked out with my team arriving when they did. There's a meaty thud and a whistle. I look up and see Bulk has launched unicorn boy up and overhead like a lawn dart, horn first. I glance back at the crowd. I remember when they used to look scared of me. I hate that. I hate that I need this. I hate that, deep down, I sort of want it a little. "Enough," I roar in full Princessly glory, power and light crashing out of me in furious waves. "Now unless anypony here wants to catch a train--” I struggle a bit, but the train raises a few inches off its tracks. They get the implicit message. "Then I will be taking my train and leaving." The train is gently lowered back onto the makeshift track as delicately as possible before-- Click. Click. Click. Back in business. The mob disperses as Bulk and Mac glare them down, Applejack and Rainbow looking... haggard. I've seen these girls face down armies, Sombra, Discord... but a couple of street thugs who play dirty is different. Applejack can't fight dirty, and Rainbow Dash was just caught off-guard. After that she'd have just lost her confidence, and Rainbow Dash without confidence is just really scary. It's scary in that way that hits you in the stomach rather than with adrenaline. How must she be feeling right now? Applejack would just get mad, get angry, but Dash? In a brief moment of social lucidity, helpfully guided by my own selfish introspection, I pause placing tracks down and walk over to the pair. "Twilight? Why'd we stop?" "We in trouble again? Cause Bucks and Kicks here are itching for a rematch. Show some no-good varmints what-for in a fair fight this time, see what happens then." Then I wrap Rainbow up in my big alicorn wings and hug her tight. She's shocked, and resists a little at first, but it's only a second before she hugs back even tighter. "You could have taken those jerks if they hadn't cheated like that." "Y-yeah, I know." She says it, but her heart's still not in it. I look up for a moment and nod at Applejack surreptitiously. Her eyes widen in realization for a moment, just a moment, then she nods back and she gallops out of what little sight I'm afforded unblocked by Dash's head. Hopefully we had our own moment of friend-telepathy here, and she’s off to find what I think she’s off to find. "You're still awesome, Dash." "Yeah. Right," she mutters half-heartedly, but that's still half a heart more than last time. "He was totally uncool. You're still the coolest pegasus in Ponyville, alright?" "Right." A bit more confidence now. "You know, there was four of them, and just two of you, and you held your own. That makes you at least as cool as two of them, and that's two hundred percent cooler." "You think?" "You're asking me, Twilight Sparkle, if I think. All I do is think, Dash. Sometimes I think so much I don’t even think about what I'm thinking about because I'm thinking too hard. It's why you were even in that situation in the first place." "No!" She pushes me out of the hug. "No, it was totally not your fault. It's not your fault those guys were such jerks, or that they came out of nowhere, or anything like that." I smile softly at her, which just confuses her. "I promise to remember that if you do." "Why would I need to remember-- Oh." Dash short-circuits. She's trying to find a way to blame herself that doesn't blame me, first. She can't blame one of her friends for anything -- not for something like this. So she can't blame herself. It doesn't stop her from trying though. Fortunately, Applejack and I have a secret weapon in the form of a little orange filly. "Hey, Rainbow Dash! Applejack told me I could ride up top of the train with you!" Her wings buzz excitedly. "Can I? Can we?" Rainbow looks down at her nervously, timidly even. "I dunno, kiddo. It's kind of dangerous work." Scootaloo pouts. "But you'd keep me safe, right? You're, like, the toughest pegasus in Ponyville."  Applejack smirks and rolls her eyes, but it's a friendly smile nonetheless. The kind of smile a foal wears when a beloved grandparent's gesture is a little too affectionate, the hug just a bit too tight. "I dunno, champ. Applejack's pretty tough too." "Yeah, and she said we could. So she'd know, right?" Filly logic. It's impossible to argue with. Not because it's a particularly sound argument, mind, but because they make an argument that sounds too logical to dismiss off-hoof and then hit you with the highbeams. Scootaloo even flutters her eyelashes a little. I seriously suspect Sweetie Belle taught her how to do that. Once more, Rarity would be proud. "Alright. Alright, that does kinda, sorta, sound like fun," Dash manages before Scootaloo flings herself on Dash's leg and squeezes hard. Dash tries to look like she minds but fails abysmally. Rainbow being a big softy is one of the most poorly kept secrets in Ponyville. No one's had the heart to break the news to her, though. Seconds later the train has two new lookouts riding above the boiler. Fortunately I'm pushing the train as opposed to running it, so it's cool enough that they don't burn anything sensitive on it. Dash is looking all sisterly and pointing out to Scootaloo a bunch of cool places and the best spots to do tricks up top and smiling back down at me every few minutes, Scootaloo is fixated on Dash, and Applejack is trying her best not to let Dash see just how amused she is as she takes her lookout more seriously. Big Macintosh and Bulk are sitting on either side of the last train carriage, the one with all the bits, ready to leap out at a moment's notice from AJ. And me? I'm lost in my own little world. Pull, click. Pull, click. Pull, click. "Choo, choo!" Pinkie squeals delightedly as the train pulls into the station. Conveniently, foundations of the bank have appeared in a large chunk of field, with the base of marble slab sticking out of the ground at about the height of a train platform. Stairs have yet to be built up to it, but there's definitely a floor stuck in the middle. A big spiral ramp corkscrews underground at the far back corner. Oh, and Pinkie is wearing soot-and-marble-dust coated overalls with her oversized construction hat now. And sitting on Discord's back. Discord, for his part, looks almost as delighted as Pinkie Pie, and is wearing a giant labcoat covered in stains of all shades and hues. They must have been busy. "You brought us a whole train! AJ and Rainbow weren't kidding! They didn't say you'd be bringing it all at once, though," Pinkie gushes, bouncing off Discord's back – he looks a bit disappointed by that, actually, they really must have been having fun. "Change of plans, Pinkie. This was much more expedient." "Yeah, and it was quicker, too," Pinkie agrees. "So, can we put it back down in the vaults with Spike yet?" Discord smiles and nudges Pinkie in the ribs with one of his softer toes. She looks back at him in confusion, to which Discord shrugs and makes a 'go on' gesture with his eagle-arm. Pinkie puzzles this over for a moment before gasping silently and turning back to me like her neck is a spring, head bobbing up and down in a manic, excited nod. "Oh! Oh, you should see what happens to Spike when we add to his hoard. It's so cool. You're going to love this!" "It's already enough for the effects to be visible?" "Well, it's only two wagonloads at the moment, but wait 'til we give him a whole trainload!" Pinkie bounced up and down excitedly, in a sort of pitter-patter pattern with her hooves. The wagons get lined up next to the train and I start heaping generous portions into them. I'm starting to get a bit of a headache from mana exhaustion. At least moving the chunks of gold isn't as bad as pushing the train full of them across town. After filling the wagons, and rehitching Bulk and Big Macintosh to them, we get ready to say hello to Spike. There was never any doubt that this plan would work. I'm still worried about whether or not the plan will work for the better. A hoard is like a stable form of a greed spurt. In theory. In practice I don't know nearly as much about dragon physiology as I'd like to admit. I have no idea what giving such a large hoard to a young dragon will do, but very few dragons are as mentally prepared, or as educated, as my Number One Assistant. Am I worrying? I'm worrying, aren't I? Spike won't turn into a massive monster again. This is... this will be different. Unless it isn't. If it isn't, all is lost and my new demesne is doomed and everypony in it will suffer under the reign of God-King Spike. So... yeah. No pressure. I follow Big Mac and Bulk Biceps down the ramp, Applejack behind me. I leave Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo in Discord and Pinkie Pie's capable limbs. Descending the ramp, the vault seems... Well, Pinkie Pie and Discord have really outdone themselves. Discord's covered the place with an impressive matrix and web of detection spells, motive sensing spells, anti-detection spells and even anti-spell-spells, all in a distinct flavour of chaos magic that would take a far less sane unicorn than myself to dissect and dismantle. Aesthetically it looks like an incredibly bank-y bank. The bankiest bank that ever banked. Polished white marble floors, marble columns stretching into the ceiling and immaculately carved, each branching to the other with arches like gridwork. The walls appear to be laced with dense wrought-iron bands, accentuated on each side by a frame of black marble. It looks incredibly sensible. And sitting behind a lattice of steel bars and an open black, pig-iron rolling vault door is a pile of gold, about two wagons worth, which have been arranged into the shape of a throne, on top of which Spike the Dragon is sitting with one of the biggest grins I've seen on him in a long time. Mostly because I haven't seen him this big in a long time, there's more room on his face to fit it on. Spike's grown a solid inch and a half, and his gentler curves are ever-so-slightly more angular and reptilian. "Hey, Twilight. Check out my new digs." Spike grins. In The Hall Of The Mountain King starts playing gently at the back of my head. Dun dun dun dun DUN dun dun, DUN dun dun, DUN dun dun. Dun dun dun dun DUN dun dun DUN DUN DUN dun dun DUN. I couldn't help it. It was just so perfectly suited to the moment. "They're certainly very exorbitant," I say, nodding. "I've got some more for you." "I can see. How much more is there, anyway? Applejack and Rainbow Dash didn't tell me." "They must have wanted it to be a surprise. Well, all I'm going to tell you, Spike, is that there's more. You're just going to have to wait and see." Spike fidgets, like the idea is itchy to him, but acquiesces. "Okay, well... cool. Let's do this thing." I levitate the gold out of the wagons and through the open door into Spike's own personal little domain. He starts pushing it all together like they're building blocks, making a little platform for his opulent throne to rest on. The spines on his back flex, and the little pudgy, almost teardrop shape, he is stretches, converting more into height. Nothing too serious, but there's so much more gold left it's got me a little concerned. Not that I don't trust Spike! I mean, he's-- DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN. Stop it, subconscious, you aren't helping at all. Big Mac and Bulk start up the ramp to the surface whilst I take the stairs, wondering how this will all play out. After three more trips, or ten full wagon loads, we've nearly emptied the first train car's worth and Spike is looking decidedly serpentine on his ever-expanding throne. It's a full two gold bars higher now to compensate for his growth. I don't think he's quite noticed it himself, yet. He's looking almost like he did before we took him to the doctor, and the vet. Slender, long, but with a bit more substance to him than he did then. Whereas then was an immature growth spurt, a sudden spark of one that would have burned out the second he acquired what he deemed an 'acceptable' hoard, here he's just being given the hoard straight-out, on the condition that he's mature about it. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's just as I hoped. His greed-spurt urges are linking his newfound responsibility to the acquiring of a larger hoard. Maybe he's actually hoarding maturity with the gold? Neither Mac or Bulk have started to tire yet. Fortunately they're taking heavy things down and an empty cart back, rather than the other way around. Applejack and Rainbow Dash greet me from their post when we load up for the next trip. "So." Applejack grins slyly. "How's our special little guy lookin'?" "Still special, but definitely not so little." I smile back weakly. "You can check him out when we're done. Honestly I should be taking pictures or something." "No need!" Pinkie says, bursting out of a pile of bits wearing a reporter's hat and suspenders, "I already hooked up the bank's security camera. I'm going to make a flipbook!" "Awesome," Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo both say at the same time. By the end of the next carriage we get a good halfway point indicator. Spike's still growing, and now about as tall as Celestia, but what's really fascinating is how he's bulking up. The teardrop shape has not only stretched, now, but flipped, giving Spike a nice, broad, thick chest attached to arms that Rainbow Dash will inevitably call "a killer gunshow" when she gets a hoof on Pinkie Pie's flipbook. The throne arranging has continued but now, instead of adding more lavish decorations to the almost-simplistic chair, Spike has taken to sorting the bars and piling the gold neatly into cubes. He's not demanding more. He's not even bragging about how 'wicked sick' he looks. The only two questions he's asked on this trip have been "How can I help," and "Why is my back so itchy?" It's nearly ninety minutes since we started and silently I'm realizing just how much more gold was in the train than I had thought. If I had just left it at the station we'd only just be finishing the first carriageload. It's at the end of the third carriage that everyone is thoroughly exhausted. Mac is holding up better than Bulk, who was built for lifting much larger weight for much shorter periods of time, but even Mac makes a point of taking a breather at the end of each load when I do the magic stuff. Even I've started getting a bit of a headache, so much so that I just used the phrase "when I do the magic stuff". Fortunately Dash and Scootaloo went off back to town to grab us some lunch, besides the tank of strawberry milk that Discord provided for us. He's mostly been doing backstroke in the last carriage whilst Pinkie continues to do all the boring, but necessary, planning. It's at the end of the third carriage that we find out why Spike's back was so itchy, too. He's come upstairs with us briefly whilst we wait for food to show off. "Guys!" The upside-down-pyramid of draconic muscle that is Spike smiles so wide it looks like the top half of his head might simply slide off backwards, "I got wings! I've never had wings before." He did. He did, in fact, grow wings. "Oh, man, I'm so thirsty. Do you guys mind if I...?" He pointed at the small dam of strawberry milk. Oh, right, I forgot to mention that. Discord and Pinkie Pie teamwork. They seemed to have figured out the best way to catch rain is with a dam, so to catch strawberry milk rain they'd need a pink dam. As such a fudge cloud loomed over what appeared to be a pink, concrete foal's-pool with a sluice and an outlet at the bottom, into which was plugged a small pump. The pump was connected via aquarium tubing back into the fudge raincloud. The whole contraption ended up creating what had to be the most bizarre possible form of perpetual motion known to ponykind. All banks need to have a fountain, I guess, and I suppose this is the one piece of architecture that can irrefutably prove that Pinkie Pie and Discord had their sticky little hooves and paws on it. A fountain which simultaneously defied the laws of nature, physics and common sense. Well, Spike had just pointed to it and said he was thirsty. So, I shrugged and said yes. Discord was still swimming laps, having switched to breastroke, and Pinkie Pie's eyes widened in excitement at the thought of a dragon giving it a proper test run, so he got the go-ahead from her, too. Spike promptly walked over to it, knelt down facing away from it, then fell backwards head-first into it, submerging his whole head. He then drained about half the kiddy pool with a few loud, chugging gulps. I gawped. I guess maturity spurts really do take a lot out of a growing dragon. Spike sat back up, facing us, pink rivulets trickling down his slick, waterproof scales. "Sorry, did anybody else want some?" I suppressed a grin and shook my head. Applejack settled for a quiet, "Ew," before adding, louder, "No thanks, Spike." "Oh, don't be such a baby. There's a filter in that pump to keep it all clean." Then the raincloud started chugging along harder and the pool started filling up to its previous volume, albeit slower than Spike had, and again was, draining it. "I thought the pump was what was filling the raincloud. How's it producing more?" Headache amplifying... "Chaos magic, duh!" Pinkie explained, wrapping a hoof chummily around my shoulders. "The pump is just to tell it how full the pool is. You see, the equation for how much power the dam produces is flow multiplied by density times height, and so it produces less power as a direct ratio of its volume. Then, the less milk goes back into the cloud as a result, the more it makes itself pick up the slack!" "That is the most brilliant stupid thing I've ever heard." "Thanks. I try." Pinkie blushes modestly, though it's hard to tell under all the already-pink. "Hey, you guys take a break," Spike breathes as his head once more re-emerges from the strawberry depths. "I need to burn off some of this sugar." And so he does. He walks over to the last carriage, past a very amused Applejack, and grabs the wagon that Bulk had been pulling, pushing it up to the side of the last carriage. The one filled with bits. He starts throwing bags of gold into the back of the wagon effortlessly. Then, as if that weren't enough, my scrivener decides that walking just won't cut it so, pushing the cart in front of him, he jogs down the corkscrewing ramp, disappearing into the vaults for only a few seconds before reappearing at the top, cart empty, rushing over to the train and filling it up again. Just watching him is exhausting. He's managing to empty the cart by himself in about the same amount of time it would have taken the three of us. And yet somehow I get the impression he doesn't quite get that he's changed yet, even as he throws huge weights around with the ease of... well, of a dragon. More amusing yet is that each load makes his wings that much more defined, makes his spines that much sharper still, makes his jawline just a bit more defined. I'm sure Rarity would describe him as a strapping young lad. Fluttershy would probably call him... um... nice. Rainbow and Scootaloo settle for awesome, once they get back with a veritable buffet of protein-and-carb rich burgers and fries. Which, for the record, is bliss. Finally he comes up and ducks into the carriage. His head pokes around the side at me and he looks disappointed. "Aww, is that it? I've still got all this energy to burn off." "Spike, look at you, built like a brick outhouse," Applejack coos. "Woo-ee, looks like a hoard's done you a heck of good." Spike blinks. "What?" I smile and lead him over to the fountain of milk. "You realize you're taller than me, right?" I point out as he follows. "No, you're just-- huh?" He stumbles a bit, realizing that he can well and truly see over my head. I cast a simple enchantment on the milk, making it as reflective as the surface of a good mirror. He gets a good look at himself. "So, the wings...?" "We kind of thought you'd have noticed by then," I whisper. His draconic ears twitch. Spike grinned goofusly. Not goofishly, that's far less dorky. No, it was definitely goofus grinning. "Rarity's gonna think I look so cool," he breathed, touching parts of his face and watching the reflected image do the same. "Before we unleash the beast that is the new Spike on Rarity, though," I interject, "I'm going to need my scrivener to organize a very special set of forms for me. Think you can handle it, big guy?" I try to nudge him playfully in the ribs but my hoof sort of just... bounces right off. Oof. "Oh, yeah?" He smiles even wider. "I can do that. I can definitely, probably, do that." "Great. I'll get the forms from the library on the way, whilst I take the train back." "Ah... how, exactly?" I... Hrrm. That's a very good question. I turn around and yell out to my partners in crime-prevention. "Okay, can I borrow Applejack and Big Macintosh again, then?" Applejack shoots Dash and Scootaloo a Look. I have no idea what it means, it just seems significant. I check, too-- They seem really happy, actually. It's nice. "Shoot, Ah think Mac and Ah are up for another round. Whatta ya say, big brother?" Big Mac stretches and cricks his neck a little to either side. "Eeyup." "Alright, whaddaya need?" "Okay, so the plan is that I'm going to clicky-clack, technical words there, the train back to the station, then turn the tracks back into gold bars. I just need you two to do one last wagonload of gold when I'm done." "Can--" "You can keep one of the bars as a 'thank you', yes." Applejack and Big Mac share a glance, then turn back with a nod in perfect sibling synchronicity. "Sounds good, let's go." Pull. Click. Pull. Click. Eugh, I remember when this used to be fun. Pull. Now I've got a throbbing headache. Click. It's all going to be worth it, though. I sneak into the library on the way back. I feel momentarily guilty when I realize why Golden doesn't notice me; she's buried deep in a book titled "Persistence of Self; Or Why You May Already Be Dead!". So making everything up to you, Golden. I steal a bunch of the forms I'd need from my room and sneak back out again. When I get back to the vaults, well, Spike's napping. The top of the sun is kissing the horizon, the bottom half long since embraced it, as Celestia and Luna trade vigil. Spike must have burned off all that growth energy after all. Pinkie Pie and Discord are making small-scale models outside that hurt my head just to look at and are indescribable. No, really, they confound logic so thoroughly that all attempts at analogy are an exercise in futility. Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo are long gone, too. Spike looks so adorable napping in his golden throne, at least. I nudge him in the side with my horn. His arms flail about a little bit as he jerks awake with some very undignified dragon sounds. "Is this what I think it is?" "Well, it's written there in plain legaleze." He shares in a conspiratorial grin. "This is a license for Golden to--" "Yep." "For anyone that--" "It most certainly is." Spike fills out the form with a flourish, a stamp he appears to have acquired, several signatures and a puff of dragon's fire. "There. All done. She's going to love it, and a lot of people are going to hate you for this." "Wonderful, isn't it?" I agree giddily. There's a long pause, and then-- "Can I see see Rarity now?" "I'm sorry, Spike, I need you to guard your new hoard until we know if there are any side effects and, well, so you can stop anyone from breaking in." "Oh." Spike says in drippingly obvious disappointment. "I suppose I can't nap, either, if I have to stand guard..." That's just-- Hrrm. Idea! Two, actually! "Well, I need to see Rarity myself--" Spike groans, since he thinks I'm rubbing salt in the wounds, so I carry on quickly "--so I can see if she can visit you. As for the napping..." I run upstairs and grab a spare plank of wood and some rope, making it into a makeshift sign. I run back downstairs and tie it to the bars in plain sight of anyone who would come down here. Then, blasting it with a bit of magic writing, I engrave the sign in big, black, block letters: WARNING: LAST PONY WHO SNUCK UP ON SLEEPING DRAGON "Spike? Could you just blast the floor here?" He takes a deep breath. I squeal and skitter back a few steps. "I meant after I got out of the way!" He exhales a big, green ball of liquid flames which splashes against the marble, melting a crater into it and casting a cloud of soot and ash over the surrounding floor. He shoots me a smirk. "You got out of the way, didn't you?" Mean. "Here, read this." Spike slinks through the open vault door -- I'll have to close it when I leave and ask Pinkie Pie for the combination, or key, or whatever this thing has -- and reads the sign. He laughs and holds out a balled fist. I bump it with a hoof. Somewhere, somehow, I know Rainbow Dash approves of this course of action. I get back to the library, thoroughly exhausted. The door opens before me with a slam but here I stand, triumphant, with a lovely present for Golden, who is-- No longer reading philosophy textbooks and looking at me very, very sternly. Oh, dear. Oh, bother. "Doctor Princess Sparkle, I just got in contact with Filthy Rich. What the heck did you just agree to?" "I don't know," I admit gleefully. "I was hoping you could tell me! Also I got you a present!" "You don't-- but--" she stammers. "What could possibly be more important than sorting out that?" "Well, getting you and Rarity to help me out. I think you two would be a lot better at this than me," I admit. "So in an effort to prove my trust, and gain your loyalty, Golden Retriever, I hereby decree that, as a civil servant of the highest order, you have been deemed worthy of a license to kick the flank of anypony who teases you about your name within the bounds of this demesne." She stares at me, stunned. I levitate, with some of the last of my magic for the day, the little laminated license. Again, weightless paper that is weighted only with metaphorical significance. Unlike a gold bar it fits rather snugly into a wallet. She looks down at it, then back at me, then back at it. Finally she puts it down on her beautiful desk and salutes me sharply, and I notice a hint of a tear trailing down the corner of an eye, behind the rim of her spectacles. "It is my honour to serve the one true Doctor Princess Sparkle." My heart does a little fluttery thing. I should probably see Nurse Redheart about it. "It'll be good to have a new friend on my side. Now, what's this about Filthy Rich and just how badly I've messed up?"