//------------------------------//
// New clothes and more fun 
// Story: The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User. 
// by Ssendam the Masked 
//------------------------------//

I looked at Rarity, askance. "What on Earth do you mean, you don't carry spidersilk?" I wanted my spidersilk robes back on. When my clothing had started to fall apart, Twilight had kindly (more like desperately) threw me some clothing. Applejack had also complied, on the grounds that I wouldn't like 'wearing frou-frou clothes like Rarity's.' Rarity had offered, rather generously on her behalf, to repair my robes free of charge, and even make me an additional set in case they got busted again. I have to say, I appreciated her generosity. Thus it was that I was now wearing a pair of thick denim overalls with a purple shirt with a heart on it. (Apparently, it was fashionable. I'd rather gouge my eyes out. Again. Long story there.) 

Rarity frowned back, red glasses in place. I liked that, showing concern for her eyes in case they ever failed her. "I told you, spidersilk isn't exactly easy to acquire in such large quantities. The most spidersilk that I readily carry would probably make a thong." 

Really? Well, make do with what fortune and life give you, I guess... though I have to wonder how that would be. I briefly contemplated just running around in a thong. It would certainly be breezy, but I could live with that. Rarity must have guessed at my intentions, because she blushed so brightly I swear it lit up the other side of the room. "C-certainly not! I'm not making you a t-t-thong just to run around in! You're positively indecent!" 

That got a cackle out of me, and a slap to the face from her. That caused me to glare at her, and she glared right back at me, staring right into my glowing eye-sockets. What was going on here was a battle of wits between me and her. "Listen, Rarity. I've run around in far less, I can assure you. Why, when I was learning magic, I was required to strip down to my undergarments and run around in the snow and ice in the high mountains of Drunsbury! Though that experience often nearly killed me, it garnered me an appreciation for the raw, elemental power of ice! And if I want to run around wearing only a spidersilk thong because that's all you have, then so be it!" I ended my dramatic little speech by posing in a badass way, hands on hips and one leg heightened by a convenient stool.

We glared at each other. Rarity summed up her argument in such a way that even I, a stickler for arguments, couldn't find a flaw: "While I... admire your dedication to the thong idea... but I cannot help but feel that, somehow, a thong isn't what you want, is it Xante? That's a last resort if ever I heard one."

"Don't elaborate don't elaborate don't elaborate..." I silently muttered under my breath. Rarity obviously noticed my muttering and decided to sink the knife in even further and smirked. Now I began to appreciate who the most cunning of the Elements of Harmony was. Were she back home with my grandmother watching, I would likely be forced to marry her. Not that I had anything against her and her nice body... good tone to it... bah.

"You seem upset. Is that because you won't have your incredibly gaudy set of clothing?" 

I looked up, a beaten man. Only a fool tries to control an argument with an irate woman, but since I had clearly proved myself a fool many, many times over I tried to continue stubbornly. "Dear, sweet miss Rarity, I beseech you don't go on. I know when I'm beaten. Please, give me this final dignity of admitting when I'm defeated. I don't want more humiliation piled on me! Oh, what is the world coming to, when Xante the Lich is bested in verbal swordplay by a seamstress?"

Of course Rarity ignored me, in favour of looking over my crudely sketched designs. They may or may not have been drawn with crude explosions in the background and a couple of dog sketches. I like dogs; they remind me of heroes, and heroes are dumb but loyal. "Surely you didn't want this... robe?" She blanched, looking over the details. "You don't want a rainbow-coloured robe, with custom silk cape designed to come off easily?" 
That last point was very important, and I'd made sure to stress it extensively. It was circled, underlined three times and had a small dog urinating on it as well. Maybe she didn't understand that, because Rarity raised an eyebrow at that last detail. "Why on Earth would you want your cape to come off easily? If the cloak is that much of a hassle for you, then why not simply remove the cape and just keep the rest? It would certainly be easier on your wallet if you were to do so."

I hmphed, crossing my arms and pouting. First she has no spidersilk, and now I have to explain my desire for an easily tearable cloak? Oh, the world was coming to nothing but bad things. "First of all, I want a cape because capes look awesome billowing around you in the wind. But at the same time, I want practicality. My brother was killed when his cape got caught in a door when he was escaping an exploding temple. He got better of course; our family always bounces back from inconsequential things like death. Secondly, I have to say that I have always had a cape on me, ever since I was a wee boy. My family LOVES capes. Even though they're impractical unless specifically designed to be easily tearable."

I finished my little monologue to find that Rarity was staring at me like I had just started gibbering. Which, given the context of the situation, I may as well have been. "Er, yes, quite. Although, I have to ask... do you own any other clothes? Apart from the..." she looked at my current ensemble, blanched and tried to come up with a suitable term for my clothes. Finally, she settled on "hand-me downs?" with a hugely strained smile on her face. 

I looked down to see that yes, my tacky hand-me downs were still on. The only other articles of clothing I possessed that weren't hand-me downs were my underpants and my hat. All a lich needs, though I did have to keep an eye on my underpants. Sometimes, they just came off on their own. "No. That's why I want this patched up, and two new robes to be made as well."
An idea that was totally awesome flashed through my mind and I grinned. This was perfect. "Tell you what: I have an idea."
Rarity looked my earnestly grinning face and made some pretty good connections very quickly. "Oh no, Xante, you don't have to-"
I waved her off. "No no no no, no, no, no. No. I'e got it."
"Xante, if this is likely to be considered a crime here please don't do whatever you're planning-"
I waved her off. "It's alright. I'll just find some giant spiders, and punch them in the face, and get the silk that way!"
Rarity just stared at me, hand pressed to forehead. "Um, Xante... don't you think that's a... foolish idea?" 
She idly smiled at me, and I shook my head. "Nope, I don't see any problems with that plan at all. Find spiders, punch them, acquire spidersilk, profit. No problemo~" I finished my little explanation of how utterly simple and perfect my plan was with a thumbs up and a wide grin. 

If I was going to be a hero, I was going to be the dumbest one possible. After all, it's pretty much accepted fact and my own observation: heroes are dumb as hell. Bit like dogs really, except that they randomly attack dragons and powerful sorcerors because of loot or, more rarely, actual morals. Eh, whatever helps them wank I guess. 

And so it was thus that I made my way outside, wearing my tacky hand-me downs, heading towards the Everfree forest with the simple, honest intention of punching spiders in the face. Though I did have to think about more... sustainable sources of spidersilk. I rubbed my chin, then another brilliant idea popped into my mind. I was going to ask my two valets on whether or not they could provide spidersilk. They were bugs, spiders were bugs, therefore there had to be a spidersilk power hiding within them somewhere.

Later...

Greg sighed, hauling a plough along while the Apple family watched him carefully. After the recent Changeling attack, they weren't trusting any changelings. However, with Xante's insistence that he was trustworthy, Greg had been allowed to work, though of course he barely received any money. Nevertheless, it was still money, enough to live on, barely. "No, we do not produce spidersilk from our butts." 

Xante glared at him, hands on his hips. "What do you mean, you don't produce spidersilk from your butt? You're insects, aren't you? And spiders are technically only a classier kind of insect. So make with the spidersilk already. Or... hang on." Greg watched in disbelief as Xante knuckled his face while he thought about it. "If you do produce silk... which you totally do, by the way," he glared at Greg, who just sighed at the likely stupid argument going through his head, "I think it would be called Changeling silk. But on the other hand, since it would be similar in composition to spidersilk, it should just be called spidersilk. Or would it just be called-"

Greg finally decided to stop his stupid thoughts before they started to make sense. He dropped the plough and seized Xante by the bony shoulders. "For the last time, Xante, changelings do NOT produce silk from their butts! Why would you think that beyond 'we look like bugs?' You're a complete moron." 

Xante looked into his eyes with his glowing rainbow coloured eyes. "I knew that; I was just trolling you there mate." He sighed, then another idea came to mind. "I have an idea for you, me and Xyleon to get on with. Let me take you to a place of dreams and magic."With that, he gripped Greg around the neck, got him in a headlock and dragged the changeling off to the restaurant that Xyleon was working in. 

As soon as he approached, he teleported in, leaving Greg standing there in shock. All Greg could really do was watch and hear the snippets of conversation coming out of the window: 

"...sir... out of... NOT THE NIPPLES!" 

"Ah hahahahaha! Look at them! LOOK AT THEM!"

"Technically... assault... my eyes...!"

"Nothing bad to see here.... it's dangerous... take this... do you shoot silk from wrists...?"

"No... please... stop trying to... that hurts... that's burning! It's... irreplaceable... paying for... NO NIPPLES!"

The window was then smashed, and a much battered and practically dead Xante came running out, Xyleon dragged behind him, still in his cook's clothing. He nodded amicably at Greg. "Gentlemen, we are going into the Everfree Forest to punch spiders in the face. It'll be totally awesome."

Greg and Xyleon shared a look. It was the kind of look two employees share when they see their boss about to do something really, really stupid, like climbing up to the highest floor while wearing a curtain tied around his neck like a super hero, announcing that he has discovered the secret to flight. Greg was the first to try and dissuade Xante from his made course of action. "Um, mr Xante, sir? That's a stupid idea. Like, really, really dumb. Super dumb. The very dumbest." He disliked saying all of that, but it was important to say.

Xante looked at Greg as if he'd just been told that the sky was green. He cocked his head to one side. "I'm not understanding what you're talking about. It is the perfect plan: I go in, with you two backing me up, I punch spiders in the face while looking suitably amazing and sexy, you help me carry back all the spidersilk I will need for my robes, and I honestly can't see a downside to this. So please, enlighten me as to how this plan is really dumb. There's no visible flaw, but there might be one that my cunning and fabulous eyes haven't seen."

Greg quickly thought of a plan that would allow them to stall for time. He quickly rubbed the back of his head and grinned sheepishly. It didn't work with his fangs, but it conveyed the general sense of an anxious lackey. "Uh, well, couldn't you just tame the spiders and get them to spin all that silk for you? It would be less hassle then punching them in the face." 

Xante mulled that over, tapping his chin with a bony finger. Eventually, he presented his counter-argument: "I get the point you're making. But you have to admit, taming giant spiders to do my bidding, while admittedly kick-ass in its own right, is just not as awesome as going in there and beating the everloving shit out of them with your bare hands and feet. It's only the right and badassful way of doing things."

Greg hastened to reassure the insanely powerful old lich that was their new boss. "Oh, of course you would have to punch some spiders, just not all of them. It would help with intimidation, wouldn't you think?" He started sweating bullets as Xante started considering all of this. Finally, Xante seemed to reach a decision.

"Excellent, my loyal minion. Now, I want you to go alert Twilight Sparkle that I am going into the forest and will be gone for some time. And I'll be going with you, and yes, I do have the tracking spell placed on me, she'll know where I am at all times." He sat down and pulled out a mysterious black oblong, which he tapped the front surface of a couple of times. He then looked up, mild annoyance plain on his face. "Get to it, Greg and Xyleon."

Hastily, the two Changeling drones complied, rushing to inform Twilight Sparkle that Xante was off, possibly to do something exceedingly stupid.