“Oh hey, it’s the Doctor!” Deadpool cheered.
“Who?” Solaire asked, pointing to the Doctor.
“How?” Twilight asked in turn, staring at the strange looking police box.
“What?” Celestia asked, tilting her head as she observed the new arrival.
“When is this going to be over?” Luna asked, throwing Deadpool from her grasp.
“Wait, this is the Doctor?” Harkness looked to Deadpool, then back to the Doctor, then shrugged. “Not really what I had in mind for the new regeneration…” Jack said, getting up from his seat so that he could circle around the Doctor, “but hey, not like I’d ever complain.”
“I’m still confused who the Doctor is,” Solaire said, glancing at Deadpool who could only shrug for an answer.
Harkness tugged at the Doctor’s dark blue coat, noticing the red inner lining. “Well, for once, your incarnation has a good fashion sense. Well, except for the Ninth. I quite liked the tough boy look, as you well know.” Harkness halted directly before the Doctor and grabbed his cheeks in between his hands. “A bit on the old side as well. More rugged. With still a hint of that youthful glee you’re so famous for.” Harkness grinned, patting the Doctor’s hair while the Doctor in turn just stared at him with a confused expression. “Only real complaint is that you should really see about getting a haircut. And probably some hair dye if you’re up for that.”
“Wait, wait, hold up… I’m still a bit new at this…” The Doctor snapped his finger and pointed directly at Harkness, a wide smile lighting up his features. “If it isn’t Captain Jack Harkness!”
Harkness wrapped his arms around the Doctor and slapped his back playfully. “Ah, Doctor, you haven’t changed a bit.”
The Doctor slid out of Harkness’ grip when he felt his hands traveling down south. “And you certainly haven’t either,” the Doctor laughed.
“So, Doctor, which number are you this time?” Harkness asked, holding his hands on his sides as he eyed the Doctor several times over. “Don’t tell me you’re unlucky thirteen.”
“No, Twelfth is the number of my undoing this time. Recently happened, actually.” The Doctor stretched out his arm a few times and winced. “Still getting used to a few of the kinks. For instance, I have odd cravings for lemon cakes now. I have no idea why, it just appeared out of the blue. Also, the scent of pine floor polish.”
“Well, let’s see if I can’t get one of the chefs here to get you one or both of those things,” Harkness said, wrapping an arm around the Doctor and leading him back to the group’s table.
Now Deadpool and Solaire were squashed uncomfortably to the very end of the booth while Harkness made room for the Doctor. Grunting, Solaire scootched over to Deadpool, nearly busting one of his ribs. “Companion Deadpool, is there any particular reason you invited the Doctor whatever to the date?”
“I didn’t so much as invite him as bribe him. Or rather, her. The TARDIS, actually.”
“The TARDIS who?”
Deadpool shook his head and pointed to the police box. “More like what. That what being Time And Relative Dimension In Space. TARDIS for short.”
“Wouldn’t it make more sense to shorthand it to TRDS?”
Deadpool looked Solaire right in the eyes—or tried his best to—and said, “And people call me stupid.” Deadpool shook his head and sighed. “Anyways, I blackmailed the TARDIS to drop the Doctor off here at this specific time for this specific occasion to disrupt this specific event, specifically.”
“Didn’t you just say you bribed it?” Solaire asked.
“No, I bribed the executives, and then used this information to blackmail the TARDIS.” Deadpool knocked on Solaire’s helmet. “Sheesh, Solaire, get with the program.”
“Wait, is this how you prevented the Doctor from getting canceled?”
Deadpool waved his head in the air like it was a balance. “Eeeeeh, kinda. I don’t really want to get into the specifics of it. Too many body bags to count.”
Solaire and Deadpool looked back to the Doctor and Harkness. The two were currently engaged in conversation, with Harkness regaling the Doctor with recent events in his life while the Doctor nodded, laughed, stuffed his face with the newly arrived lemon cake, or did all three. Twilight was listening to their conversation with rapt attention, occasionally asking a question, while Celestia stared with furrowed eyes at Harkness, and then finally Luna was drinking by herself in her own little corner.
Solaire looked back to Deadpool. “So, I’m still not getting how this date is going to go horribly wrong,” Solaire whispered. “Nothing has exploded and no one has died yet.”
“You’re not putting enough emphasis on the yet part,” Deadpool said. He pointed to Celestia, a smile clear on his masked face. “And besides, it’s already working. I devised a way to get one of Celestia’s dates to lose interest in her. And not only that, but with a date who is probably the best immortal out there. Now with her being ignored and unloved, I can swoop in and score the goal in the ridiculously long soccer game of love!”
“That… sounds incredibly malicious.”
Deadpool sighed, nodding his head solemnly. “You’re right. Soccer is an awful game to be used in a metaphor. Perhaps basketball? Skeeball? Oh, wait, hockey works!”
“No, I meant the part where you conceived a plan to make Celestia miserable enough for you to rebound her,” Solaire said.
Deadpool snapped his fingers and nodded eagerly this time around. “Oh yeah, that. Well, this is me we’re talking about. Me is quite handsome and devious. So I can only agree with me and myself that I am indeed going through with this place.” Deadpool shook hands with himself, “Aren’t I right, me?”
Solaire stared at Deadpool for several seconds, that slowly shook his head. “By gods, and people used to think I was mad.”
“The true key to madness is knowing that only you can tell yourself you’re insane and that it would mean something. Oh, and an actual key. Those things really simplify the process.”
Solaire was about to reply, but then felt a chill run up his spine. Turning around, he noticed everyones’ eyes trained on the two of them, most of all Celestia, who at this point was so red in the face that any trace of her white coat was lost.
“Damn, Solly, we’ve been spotted!” Deadpool announced, jumping atop the table as he pulled out a device from inside his coat’s pocket. “Time for plan Alpha Delta Beta 2.5!”
“What?” Solaire asked.
Pressing a small red button, Deadpool pointed his finger to the ceiling and cried out, “So long, suckers!” After about five minutes of awkward silence, Deadpool started repeatedly pressing the button. “Oh, come on, I knew I shouldn’t have trusted explosives I got from craigslist!”
“Okay, time for plan B… 2.6!” Deadpool declared. He pointed a finger at the Doctor, whose face was still filled with a copious amount of lemon cake. “You’re allergic to peanuts and if you don’t get some medical attention you’ll die!”
The Doctor chuckled, licking some icing from his fingertips. “That’s quite preposterous to think, weird costumed man. First off, Timelords don’t have allergies, and secondly, what I’m eating is a lemon cake.”
“With a nutty custard filling!” Deadpool pointed out.
Harkness got to his feet and held up a hand. “Now easy there, Deadpool, no need to get the Doctor anxious over this.”
Deadpool shook his head. “Oh, it’s not to make him anxious, it’s a credible fact that in this current regeneration he’s allergic to peanuts.”
“Oh, knock it off, if the Doctor says he’s—oh, wait, he is,” Harkness said.
The Doctor was clutching his throat, face a deep shade of red as his cheeks started to puff. He fell from his seat on the floor, desperately gasping for air.
“But… how?” Harkness asked Deadpool.
Deadpool winked, though without visible eyes the action was lost. “Let’s just say I know people in the right places. And also bribery money. A ton of ill-gotten bribery money.”
As Harkness opened his mouth, the Doctor hacked out another wheeze. Sighing, Harkness picked the Doctor up and started dragging him back inside the TARDIS, not before pointing to Deadpool and saying, “This isn’t over, Deadpool.”
“You have my number,” Deadpool replied before the TARDIS’ doors closed and it was whisked out of the current dimension.
“Wait a second, you never gave me your number,” Solaire said.
Deadpool whispered, “That’s because you use more emoticons in your texts than a teenage girl.”
“But the cat faces are cute.”
Celestia slammed her hoof on the table. “Would anyone mind telling me what in Tartarus’ name is going on here?”
Luna raised her empty wine glass. “It’s happy hour!”
“Well, looks like Luna already answered that question,” Deadpool laughed, before his throat was clenched shut by Celestia’s unforgiving hoof.
Breathing heavily into Deadpool’s face, Celestia snarled. “Deadpool, out of all the dates I’ve ever had, you’re by far the worse! Not only do you actively ruin some of my dates, you mooch off of me by living in my home and being a nuisance all the time! And even after all this, you actually think I’ll ever date you again? Are you actually this insane or is this just a game to you?”
“Well, of course it’s a game,” Deadpool said. He quickly covered his face with his hands when Celestia threatened to smash her hoof into his face. “Wait, not like that! This dating website, all the absurd immortals, the ridiculous situations, it’s all just a game, you know?”
“What can you possibly be blabbering on about now?” Celestia asked.
Deadpool cupped Celestia’s cheeks together and drew her close so that their noses were touching. “You, me, this world, it’s all just a game. Well, to me it is. Sooner or later, it will end. No matter how drawn out it gets, no matter how high the stakes are set, and no matter how much you wish it’ll end, it just won’t! There’ll always be something new to continue it in some other asinine way. And you know how I deal with that? By making every second worth it! By being relevant enough to matter so that I still exist! By making sure this world goes on long enough for an ending that really blows everyone away! And… and… and hopefully having a happy ending myself for once.” Deadpool released Celestia’s cheeks, her hooves letting go of his neck. “And you’re the only way I’ll get that in this world, Celestia. It all revolves around you.”
The group was quiet for several seconds, Celestia staring with shocked awe at Deadpool while Deadpool himself stood silent—a rare occasion indeed—before her. Then, the ceiling imploded in on itself, covering the group in rubble and dust.
“Aha, I knew having backups from Amazon would be a good idea!”
“Deadpool!”
“DEADPOOL!”
“I can’t feel my legs!”
“Who’s up for ice cream?”