Warden harrumphed faintly, idly sliding the edge of a knife over his hoof, delicately parting the fur with the pointed tip.
Kuno raised an eyebrow slowly, eyes narrowing at him. “The last time you did that, you ended up cutting yourself,” she reminded bluntly. “And I’ll make you scrub the blood out of the floorboards this time.”
“I can almost feel it,” Warden said, frowning down at his hoof. “I know that if I just… plunged it in there and scraped it over the bone it would only tickle. But I can almost feel the blade touching over my fur.”
Kuno shook her head, returning to chopping up carrots for the stew for that night’s dinner. “Well, the washcloth is in the sink when you cut yourself.”
Warden snorted once, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, I don’t think that—Oh for the love of—”
Without even looking, Kuno raised a hoof in the direction of the sink. “I warned you.”
Warden growled to himself, limping to the sink and holding his hoof over it, watching the blood drip from the shallow cut with a wrinkled nose. After several long seconds, he heaved a heavy sigh, resting his chin on the sink. “This is garbage.”
“I’ve told you so many times not to play with sharp objects. At least until you can feel things again,” Kuno said with a shake of her head.
“Daddy, did you cut yourself… again?” Swarm asked from the doorway.
Warden nodded sadly. “Again.”
“You gotta put a bit in the jar,” swarm said, pointing with a hoof to a jar full of bits sitting on a high shelf. It was decided that the jar would have bits placed into it every time Warden hurt himself. It was pretty fully.
Warden nodded, waving a hoof idly. “I’ll put a coin in after dinner.”
“Promise?” Swarm asked earnestly.
“I promise,” Warden said, touching his chest with a hoof sincerely.
“Can I help with anything?” Swarm asked, stepping closer to her mother.
“We’re fine for now, honey. We just have to let everything stew to a uniform brown paste,” Kuno said, eyeing the pot on the stove critically.
“Is it stew again?” Swarm asked with a soft whine.
“Yes, it is stew again. I don’t trust your father around the stoves since last week,” Kuno said, glowering at Warden.
Warden idly curled to check the back of his hoof, holding it up to show the still-visible concentric rings from where the stove coil had burned his fur down to the skin. “It’s healing,” he said defensively.
Swarm snorted once, wrinkling her nose. “Can I have candy after dinner?”
“If you eat all of your dinner,” Kuno said smoothly. “How is the magic training going at school anyway?”
“It’s going good!” Swarm said with a happy little bounce. “It gets really hard sometimes but I just kiss Wrought Iron or make Golden Glimmer mad at me and I can do it perfectly again.”
Kuno frowned deeply at that, and Warden pursed his lips, turning away and deciding not to get involved with the conversation.
“You make Golden Glimmer angry at you and that makes it easier for you to use magic?” Kuno asked guardedly.
Swarm nodded once. “Yup! It’s a lot easier if I just kiss Wrought Iron. But making that stupid little bitch angry at me works well!”
Kuno raised her brows slowly, glancing at Warden.
Warden was already standing behind the filly. There was a rather loud smack! as his hoof connected with her behind, and Swarm howled in pain and surprise, bouncing away, eyes wide and fearful.
“Now go to your room!” Warden hissed, pointed sternly towards the door.
Swarm stared up at him, tears brimming in her eyes. She started to wail, and then bolted out of the room, slamming into the door on the way past, streaming tears.
Kuno arched an eyebrow at her husband slowly. “I know that I’m supposed to defer to you in matters of pony etiquette and such… but wasn’t that a little bit harsh?”
Warden blinked once, lowering his hoof, giving an awkward shrug. “I… don’t think so? You heard what she said. We have to curb that as soon as possible.”
“You could have said something,” Kuno said, frowning deeply. “Do… do all foals get spanked so vigorously?”
“Foals are, in general, utterly heedless and only listen when spanked,” Warden said simply, pursing his lips. “I was spanked all the time.”
“And look how even-keeled you are!” Kuno said with a completely blank expression.
“What do you want me to do? Just talk to her? Just say ‘that’s a bad word and we don’t say that’? She’s a foal, they don’t listen,” Warden said, waving a hoof. “If my parents tried that one me I would have laughed in their faces.”
“And instead, you’ve taught her just to never say it where we can hear it, because she’ll get hit,” Kuno said with a deep frown, shaking her head. “Is that really the lesson she should be gleaning from this?”
“That’s… kind of it, yeah,” Warden said dumbly, his ears splaying back slowly. “Why do I feel like I’m losing this fight?”
“Because you are,” Kuno said matter-of-factly. “Losing it quite badly, in fact. You’re teaching your daughter that it’s a naughty word and bad and she shouldn’t say it… around us. Did she use the word correctly?”
Warden gave an awkward smile, rubbing a hoof through the back of his mane. “Well… she is kind of a bitch, yeah.”
“So she used the word correctly, and yet you punished her for it, why?” Kuno asked bluntly.
“Because it’s a bad word!” Warden said instantly, pressing his advantage. “She’ll get in trouble for it at school and ponies will look down on her for saying it.” Warden crossed his hooves, a smug smile on his face.
“And… why didn’t you just tell her that? Why didn’t you just teach her that instead of trying to force it into her brain by spanking her?” Kuno asked sweetly.
Warden lowered his head slightly at that. “W-well… because she’s a foal.”
“So you just… move straight to the physical violence and screw any kind of subtlety?” Kuno asked bluntly.
Warden lowered his ears, wings dropping. “Fine... fine… what do I have to do to make this right?”
“I’m not the one you need to make it right with,” Kuno said simply, turning back to the pot and stirring it, humming to herself.
Swarm’s sobbing was audible from behind her half-closed door, and Warden winced, standing in the doorway, a hoof lifted to knock on the door, frozen.
Why was he knocking to go into the room of his daughter? It was his house!
Warden bit his bottom lip, knocking softly. “Swarm?”
Swarm looked up, sniffling and swallowing thickly, face streaked with tears. “G-go away!”
Warden frowned deeply at that, taking an uncertain step into the room.
“I said go away!” Swarm screeched, a book levitating from the bedside table and flying across the room.
Warden lifted his wing, brushing the book aside with a practised motion he had been taught in the guard with the intent on brushing aside projectiles. Before anything else could be thrown at him, he strode confidently over to the bed and gathered the sobbing filly up into a hug.
Swarm struggled at first, beating ineffectually at his chest with her little hooves, wings fluttering and flapping, trying to claw her way away from him, before just melting against him and wailing.
“Y-You… you… you… you h-hit me!” she wailed, sniffling loudly up at him, pink eyes rimmed with red.
Warden nodded awkwardly. “Aye… I… I kinda did,” he admitted, ears lowering. “Forgive me?’
Swarm shook her head vigorously. “N-no! I won’t forgive you! Ever!”
Eyes narrowing slowly, Warden lifted a hoof to shush her. “Now listen here, you. I’m trying to have an adult conversation with you. Stop acting like a foal.”
Swarm blinked up at him, sniffing a few more times, before falling silent. She glowered at him, but otherwise relented.
“I’m sorry for hitting you,” Warden started.
“You should be!” Swarm protested loudly.
Warden snapped his wing for attention. “I wasn’t done yet,” he said authoritatively.
Swarm quietened, glaring at him sullenly.
“I’m sorry for hitting you. I shouldn’t have done that. When I was your age, I got hit a lot,” Warden explained, chewing on his tongue for a moment, wincing when he tasted blood. He wiped his mouth with the edge of a wing, continuing. “That’s how I was raised. So it was sort of… sort of just my go-to solution. You said a very bad word.”
“Ponies use it!” Swarm protested immediately. “Why can’t I?”
Warden frowned deeply, his ears pinning back. He knew there were two ways to go about it: Blunt honesty, and bullshit.
“Because it’s not socially acceptable for a foal to say these words,” Warden said after a few moments, deflating slightly. “There are just some words we don’t say in public. They’re ‘bad’.”
“So… ‘bitch’ is a bad word?” Swarm asked simply.
Warden bit his tongue, resisting the urge to reprimand the foal. “Yes. That’s a bad word.”
“Are there any others?” Swarm asked suddenly.
“Yes, yes, a whole lot of others,” Warden admitted, hanging his head. “And you’re not allowed to say any of them.”
“So what are they?” Swarm tilted her head to the side, ears perking expectantly.
Warden gave an awkward wince. “I’m not going to tell you. They’re bad words.”
“But… How will I know what they are what not to say if nopony tells me what they are?” Swarm asked bluntly, her own ears pinning back. “That’s stupid! This is a stupid rule!”
Warden pursed his lips, glowering for a long moment. “Aye… you’re right. It’s a stupid rule. But you can’t say any of them. Not in public.”
“Why do we even have words that we can’t say?! Why do we have words that we can’t say?! That makes no sense!” Swarm said with a huff. “That’s like having food you can’t eat ever because it will kill you! Or a glass of water that you can’t drink!”
“Well… you can say them, when you’re much, much older. And you… understand that the words are only meant to be used at certain times…” Warden tried to explain, chewing on his tongue again, brow furrowed deeply.
“I already know words are only supposed to be used sometimes! I wouldn’t say that somepony is sick when they’re not! This is a stupid rule,” Swarm said suddenly, frowning deeply up at her father.
Warden nodded helplessly. “Aye… the more I think about it, the more I realise it’s a really stupid rule. Uhm… how about this: I’ll tell you what all the bad words are, and when to use them, but you can’t use them when talking to other ponies, okay?”
“But daaaaad—”
Warden held up a hoof for silence. “Take it, or leave it.”
Swarm crossed her little hooves, huffing. “Fine.”
“Good, now, well… to start off… I guess maybe we should start with ‘shit’,” Warden started, sitting down on his haunches to settle in to a long, awkward talk.
“Well, how did it go?” Kuno asked as she found Warden sitting on the stairs.
Warden looked up from squeezing his head with his hooves, blinking at his wife slowly. “You are handling the sex talk. That was the queerest conversation I’ve ever had with anyone. I haven’t felt that awkward and weird since my father taught me how to clean myself properly. That was just plain straight nuts.”
Kuno giggled softly. “Are you referring to the father/son bonding experience or your recent conversation with your daughter?”
Warden glowered at her for a long moment. “No, seriously. I went in there to explain that it was a bad word and to never say it to anypony ever and I ended up teaching her every bit of filth I know!”
“Even the c-word?” Kuno asked in hushed tones.
Warden nodded sadly. “Even the c-word. There is not a chance she is going to grow up normal.”
Kuno tutted. “Teaching a filly that young ‘cup’. You should be ashamed of yourself, Warden.”
Eyes narrowing slowly at his wife, Warden didn’t even respond, letting his expression speak for itself.
Kuno giggled softly. “Lighten up, Warden. When you were her age, how many of those words did you know?”
“Like… all of them,” Warden admitted, frowning deeply, rubbing his face with his hooves. “And a few made-up ones.”
“See? It’s better that she learn about this rather than get second-hoof accounts from other ponies behind the classrooms at school,” Kuno pointed out with a wave of a hoof.
Warden hung his head. “I know… I know. It’s just so damn awkward.”
“You’re going to be a wreck when she sleeps with her first coltfriend,” Kuno said with a sad shake of her head.
Warden’s eyes widened slowly. “I’ll be hunting him down with a spear, you mean?”
Kuno arched an eyebrow slowly. “No… I doubt it. I’ll have convinced you that education is better than outright prevention before then.”
“No, no you will not,” Warden said guardedly. “You will never convince me of that.”
“How many ponies did you sleep with before you met Swarm?” Kuno asked simply.
Warden blinked once, frowning deeply. “I… I don’t know. Can’t remember.”
Kuno gave him a dubious stare. “You could tell me what their manes smell like, Warden.” She clicked her hoof impatiently.
“Three,” Warden said, pursing his lips in annoyance.
Kuno clicked her hoof again.
Warden gave a long sigh. “Lilacs, strawberries, and dirt.”
“Dirt?” Kuno asked curiously.
“She worked on an apple farm,” Warden said with a wave of a hoof. “I fail to see where this is going.”
“Where this is going, is that… did your parents know you were sleeping with them?” Kuno asked sweetly.
Warden shrugged slightly. “Probably. I didn’t think they knew, at the time. But I was a teenager. Teenagers aren’t too bright. Quite convinced of their own fox-like subtlety, in fact.”
“And did you ever have somepony sit down and say to you that it was a bad thing and not to do it?” Kuno asked simply.
“I used protection,” Warden said with a shudder. “I didn’t want illegitimate foals running around.”
“So… you had somepony, maybe your parents, tell you that sleeping around was wrong and yet you did it anyway?” Kuno asked blankly.
Warden scowled. “I was young and stupid.”
“Your daughter is young. And will be young later, too,” Kuno said simply. “You can either teach her to do everything in the most dangerous way possible, or teach her to do it with adult supervision.”
Warden blanched. “Adult supervision? This is not a family activity!”
“You know what I mean!” Kuno scolded. “We need to make sure she feels like she can talk to us, instead of just hiding it from us and doing it anyway. Like calling ponies a ‘bitch’. She’ll be doing that forever now. The difference is, we can either have her hide it from us, and we know she’s hiding it, most of the time. Or we can have her tell us it to our faces and accept it gratefully.”
Warden sighed, hanging his head, resting his chin on the table. “I’m a terrible father.”
Kuno snorted, moving around the table to hug him tightly. “No, you’re not. You just need to treat Swarm like a pony and not like some… animal that is black-and-white without any grey areas.”
“She changes colour at will,” Warden pointed out. “She looked like a zebra last week.”
“But she’s more subtle than just ‘she said a bad word’, ‘I had best hit her!’,” Kuno explained, nudging against his cheek firmly. “Just… promise me that you’ll think about it, kay?”
Warden nodded in defeat. “Aye… I’ll think about what you said.”
Kuno smiled, turning away, humming happily to herself, moving back towards the kitchen.
“Kuno?” Warden called.
Kuno paused, looking back over her shoulder.
“You’re an amazing mother,” Warden said sincerely, resting his chin on his hooves. “I just thought someone should say it.”
Kuno glowed with the praise, smiling back at him. “Oh! Speaking of parenthoof,” she said, slapping her forehead with a hoof. “Green Hoof is coming around with her family tonight.”
Warden paled, swallowing thickly. “I… I…”
“You… haven’t seen him yet, have you?” Kuno asked, her voice hushed, lowering her head slightly.
Warden shook his head slowly, staring down at his hooves. “I… kinda was avoiding the subject, honestly.”
Kuno winced at that, awkwardly rubbing a hoof against her neck. “I can… call it off?”
Warden sighed and then shook his head. “No… No. I want to see him. And his new father. I want to see them all,” he said confidently, his expression set. “It’s past time I get a good look at what I brought into this world.”