//------------------------------//
// Lucky Unicorns... 
// Story: Apple "buck" season 
// by The PatioHeater 
//------------------------------//

Meanwhile, inside the imaginary version of Ponyville inside Luna’s head, Celestia was getting agitated.
“Luna,” started a mildly annoyed Alicorn. “Why hasn’t Big Mac said anything or even moved for the past three or four weeks?”
“It hasn’t actually been that long,” Luna replied exhaustedly.
“What?”
“It only feels like that. Imagination is weird. Basically, on this level of imagination, everything happens in about ten times as little time, so we’ve really only been in here for about for about two or three hours.”
“Luna, that doesn’t answer my question.” Celestia was becoming more and more aggravated, not liking to be in small places (like somepony’s head) means she gets easily annoyed.
“What question?”
“Why hasn’t Big Mac moved in that time? It feels like we’ve been watching a still image of him for ages, or like waiting for the next chapter of a story or something.” 
“It’s because I’m really tired, Okay? I haven’t been able to keep it up at the same rate and I just needed some rest.”
“Are you ready now?”
“Yeah, I should be okay for a while now.”
“Good,” Celestia said menacingly.
Luna stood up and began speeding up the image of past Big Mac from still to normal motion.
She looked over at her sister. Celestia’s mane had become frizzy and erratic, and her eye started twitching.
Luna giggled childishly. “Calm down, Celery. It won’t be much longer.”
Celestia mumbled something under her breath angrily.



– A –



BBBBBBiiiigggg MMaaaaccc wwas still in the market, unable to vent his anger at the pink Pony that it was meant for. He was stepping around, scowling at the sky, growling at it too. Everypony gave him a wide birth, when Big Mac was angry, it was best to leave him alone.
After mentally insulting a market stall, he was approached by somepony.
“You look like you need a muffin,” said a friendly voice.
“Derpy!” hissed Carrot Top from a little distance away. “What are you doing?”
Big Mac span round slowly, trying to compose himself. He had a thing for Derpy, and didn’t want to accidentally get angry at her.
“Hi there, Derpy.” He was already blushing, although you couldn’t tell.
Derpy reached a hoof into her mailbag and pulled out a muffin. Big Mac couldn’t help but notice that there was no mail in there anymore, only the treat she so loves.
Derpy held out the muffin on her hoof in front of Big Mac. “It’s choco-banan-blueb-strawb-plain flavour!” She smiled at him, gesturing for him to take it.
Big Mac looked at it. It looked delicious, despite the contradictory flavours. He gingerly took it in his own hoof, it was rare for Derpy to give away a muffin from her personal stash.
He looked at it some more, his mouth watering greatly. His raised it to his face and smelt it. He shuddered as the scent entered his nose. He couldn’t wait to eat Derpy’s muffin.
He took a bite. His mouth was a symphony of flavours, all of which were good. He made a sound to signify his approval.
Derpy watched longingly. She licked her lips.
Big Mac placed the muffin in his mouth to take another delicate bite, making sure it was only small bite as he wanted to savour it. But he was taken by surprise.
The grey mail mare leant forward onto her front hooves and engulfed the muffin in her mouth, her teeth scraping gently across Big Mac’s lips as she bit off the majority of the muffin, leaving only a small bit in Big Mac’s mouth.
Derpy fell back to all four hooves, chewing on the mouthful of muffin quickly, and swallowed the sweet cake with a loud gulp. Once gone, she smiled contently, chuckling slightly.
Big Mac didn’t care that Derpy stole back the muffin she had given him; he counted that as a kiss. “Thanks Derpy. Ah really needed that.”
Derpy threw her hoof forward to dismiss his thanks. “Nah! It was nothing!” she said with a smile, taking another muffin out of her bag for herself. “Why are you so angry anyway?” she asked with a mouthful of muffin.
“It’s… complicated.” Big Mac winced, waiting for her to ask further questions.
“Okay,” she said as she took another bite of the muffin.

They stood staring at each other, but not in an awkward way, they both had that special quality of complete ignorance in social situations that made it easy for them just to stare and not say anything for ages.
“Derpy?” Big Mac said; things needed to be done.
“Derpy?” she repeated with confusion. “Oh yeah!” she said as she remembered who he was talking to. “Yes?”
“Do you like Applejack?” He didn’t really want to ask her, but if he didn’t try everypony things could potentially get very weird.
“Yep.” She took another bite out of her seemingly endless muffin.
“Err…” Big Mac wasn’t sure where do go from this.
“I like apples.”
Big Mac was even less sure know.
“Derpy, do you like mares?”
“Yep.” Her reply was too casual; she obviously didn’t understand the question fully.
“No, I mean, do you… like… mares? Y’know, in that way?”
“What way?”
Big Mac was beginning to know how everypony felt when talking to him.
“Because all my friends are mares, and I like them a lot.”
“Have you ever…” Big Mac tried to think of a way to imply it to the person who understood subtlety less than him. In the end he gave up, and decided bluntness was needed. “Do you want to sleep with Applejack?”
He said this a bit too loudly, as he attracted stares from nearby Ponies, looking both confused and disgusted.
“Why would I want to sleep with her? Do you mean like a slumber party?”
Big Mac lowered his head and sighed to himself. “No. Ah don’t mean like a slumber party.”
Derpy thought harder for a second, suddenly it clicked. “OH! You mean like for sexy fun times?” she asked with a great sense of pride as she figured out the riddle.
“Yeah…” Big Mac was taken aback slightly by her response.
“Is she a Unicorn?”
“Wha…? N-no, she’s an Earth Pony.”
Derpy swallowed the final bite of her muffin. “No then.”
“What? Why?” Big Mac was growing annoyed again.
“It’s Unicorns or nothing.”
“Really? What about Carrot Top?”
“She’s just a friend who I live with.”
Carrot Top frowned, she thought there was something more between them.
“So you don’t like Pegasi even?”
“Nope. I only like Unicorns.”
A mass groan of disappointment came from all the residents of Ponyville. Being a settlement of predominantly hornless Ponies, on hearing the preferences of Derpy Hooves to Unicorns only was annoying to say the least.
Big Mac looked incredibly saddened by this. “Not even… me?” he asked hopefully.
Derpy looked him up and down. “Nope. You’re not a Unicorn.” She started trotting away happily, with a merry bounce in her step.
All the inhabitants of Ponyville now felt a little sour. Everypony saw how Derpy blew off Big Mac, which most mares would agree is a stupid thing, all because he had no horn. So what chance would they have with her if not even Big Mac could get her?
Some inhabitants were now feeling incredibly jealous of those few Unicorns that resided in the town.

Big Mac felt saddened as he re-watched this scene, reminded of his inability to attract Derpy.
“Dang,” Applejack muttered to herself.
Celestia and Luna, on the other hoof, looked towards their respective horns, and then celebrated to themselves.



– A –



Big Mac sat on the floor of the Market, feeling incredibly blue. He hoped Pinkie Pie would come by to try and cheer him up, just so he could shout at her for scaring away Nurse Redheart. Instead he was found by a much more pleasing sight, Twilight Sparkle.
“Are you okay, Big Mac?” she asked considerately.
Big Mac glanced at her before returning to look at the floor, sighing as he did so and shaking his head.
Twilight sat next to him, placing a hoof on his back and started to rub it in a friendly way. “Is this about Applejack still?”
Big Mac looked up suddenly. He had forgotten about that. He sighed again, but this time more sorrowfully, resting his head in a hoof.
“Oh… I guess there’s something more,” Twilight said curiously.
Big Mac nodded.
“I thought so. What is it?”
“It’s Derpy,” his sentence trailed off towards the end.
“Derpy? What about her?”
“She only likes Unicorns.” Big Mac’s frown grew in size as he reminded himself.
“Really?!” Twilight asked eagerly, wanting to make sure she’s heard him right.
Big Mac nodded.
“YES!” Twilight whispered to herself. “Oh no,” she said in a long voice to Big Mac. “I knew you had a crush on her but…” She drifted away from the conversation, her eyes darting all over the place to see if she could spot the grey Pegasus.
“Yeah, Ah do.”
“Oh well, at least he hasn’t knocked on your barn yet.”
“What?”
“Oh, err…” Twilight had not been paying any attention to him, she had spotted Derpy at a stall, being served by a very glum looking Earth Pony packing some celery into a bag, looking moodily at the mail mare. Twilight decided a change of subject would be good here.
“What about the Applejack thing? Found anypony to… pull her wagon?” she asked with a suggestive wink.
“Excuse me?”
Y’know, somepony to… empty her bins, if ya know what I mean.” Twilight raised her eyebrow and looked at Big Mac.
“What?”
“Somepony to… bleed her radiators?” she said with an evocative smile.
Big Mac stared at her, confusing running rampant across his face. He had no idea what she was talking about.
“A Pony to… disinfect her floors?”
“What are you goin’ on about, Twilight?”
“Hang on, I’ve got a few more of these.” Twilight tapped her hoof thoughtfully on her chin. “A Pony… to… diagnose her crockery?”
“Twilight, just sto-.”
“A Pony to please her vagina?!” Twilight jumped up and smiled broadly at Big Mac like an idiot.
Big Mac was taken aback by this hugely, he actually fell over. “That’s disgustin’ Twilight!” he fumed. “How could you be so vulgar?!”
Twilight returned his anger with a confused look. “But that’s… what you’ve been trying to find. Isn’t it?”
Big Mac’s face froze in an emotionless state as he thought about it; it soon turned to one of shock, horror and disgust. “Oh sweet Celestia! Ah never thought of it like that!” He slumped down against the ground and covered his face with his hooves, his flank raised in the air.
Jaunty happened to be walking by at that moment and saw the sight of Big Mac’s flank. He looked over the top of his sunglasses. “Helloooo,” he said as he took a mental picture before walking off with a smile on his face.
“Ah can’t believe that’s what Ah’ve been trying to do!” He sounded scared.
“Oh stop it, Big Mac,” Twilight said sternly. “You’re just helping out your sister. There’s nothing wrong with that!”
“Do you mean it?” he asked hopefully.
Twilight didn’t mean it, she only said that because she saw Derpy was starting to leave the market, and she wanted to catch her up to have a word with her. “Yes, of course I mean it!”
Big Mac sighed with relief.
“Listen, I have to go… do… Something…” Twilight stood up to leave. “I’ll see you later, okay?” She started to walk off, putting on a semi-fast pace to keep up with the grey Pegasus.
“Wait!” Big Mac called after her. “What should Ah do about Applejack?”
Twilight didn’t stop walking, she just shouted over her shoulder. “Just… just forget about it. Enjoy yourself, and get ready for Pinkie’s party!”
“Oh… okay,” he shouted back a little disheartened.
“Derpy! Wait up!” Twilight shouted as she started a full gallop towards her, hoping to reach her before she flew away.
Much to her annoyance, Ponies kept “accidentally” knocking stands of oranges over, causing her to lose momentum and, more infuriatingly, lose Derpy.

Big Mac contemplated Twilight’s advice and decided it would be best to take it. He had been letting himself get worried about Applejack, and he thought he could use a break from searching. Besides, there will be plenty of drunken Ponies at Pinkie Pie’s party to ask.
So, Big Mac decided to forget it for now, and get on with harvesting apples, which he hadn’t been doing over the past few days and was getting very behind.
He was followed back to Sweet Apple Acres by Debonair, who asked if he could “help” him with the harvesting. Big Mac accepted, Of course, thinking that he wanted to buck some apples and not “buck” some “Apples”.



– A –



Big Mac had kicked out Debonair after he tried it on with Big Mac instead of Applejack. This was not helping him in the slightest.
Big Mac watched him leave, just to make sure he left. He heard a loud thud coming from behind him. He quickly span round to see Rainbow Dash, sprawled in a heap on the floor.
“Ow,” she said calmly.
“Are you alright, Rainbow Dash?”
“Yeah, I'm fine,” she groaned as she stood up. “Damn wings stiffened up in midair again. I have no idea why! It’s getting annoying.” Rainbow looked shiftily from side to side, she knew the reason. Derpy had flown past her in the sky, almost touching wings. Needless to say, she got… distracted.
Big Mac looked at her, he was thinking hard about certain rumours he had heard about her.
“Why are you lookin’ at me like that?” She was getting worried.
“Don’t get at angry at me, please. Jus-just hear me out.”
“Okay.” Rainbow was intrigued.
“Would you like t’… sleep… with Applejack?”
YES!!!!! was her real answer, which she screamed in her mind. But she couldn’t, or else the rumours would be true. So, she tried to hide her excitement with a coat of mild anger, although it was unnecessary as she was talking to Big Mac.
“Oh sweet Celestia NO!” she shouted, but not as angrily as she hoped. “I am NOT a lesbian!”
“Alright, alright. Ah just thought you wouldn’t mind helpin’ a friend,” he said sheepishly, backing away slightly.
“Well,” he voice calmed down significantly. “There might be another friend I wouldn’t mind… helping out.” She smiled seductively, raising an eyebrow.
Big Mac thought hard for a second, trying to work out what she was implying.
“Do ya mean me?”
Rainbow facehoofed. “Yes, I mean you.” She didn’t really, she just didn’t want to let him carry on thinking she preferred the mares over the stallions, even though there was some truth in that.
Big Mac smiled.
Rainbow Dash smiled back and turned around, lifting her tail to the side.
Big Mac approached her and put his front hooves on her flank. He then slowly raised himself and sli

Luna quickly accelerated passed this scene. “I don’t think this is relevant.”
Big Mac frowned, he thought he was on fire that one time and wouldn’t have minded watching it again. But even in fast motion it lasted a surprisingly long time. They didn’t even get caught, which was lucky, since they were on a path.
He remembered the next few times he saw Rainbow Dash over the next couple of days she would smile and blush, as well as flare her wings.


– A –



Luna sped past the entirety of the next day and stopped in the evening before Pinkie Pie’s party started. She collapsed on the floor in Applejack’s farmhouse, panting heavily.
“Are you alright, Luna?” Celestia asked worriedly, sitting down next to her and placing a hoof on her shoulder.
“Yeah… I'm fine,” Luna panted, she struggled to stand up, but she fell to the floor again. “I'm just… tired.”
Celestia looked at her, she knew all too well the effects of extreme magical exertion. “Okay Luna, you just rest. I doubt you need magic for the rest of the night anyway, seeing as it’s the night of the party. All you have to do is walk around, can you do that?”
“Yeah, I should be able to, Celery.” Luna struggled to her hooves again, her legs wobbled but she remained standing.



– A –



eans no, Apple Bloom, ya can’t come t’ Pinkie Pie’s party!” Applejack said sternly, standing tall to emphasise her point.
“But Applejack, Rarity is lettin’ Sweetie Belle go. An’ Scootaloo’s goin’ as well.” Apple Bloom pouted, hoping her sad eyes would win her sister over.
“Ah know for a fact.” She prodded Apple Bloom’s chest. “That Rarity is not lettin’ Sweetie Belle go t’ the party. An’ if Scootaloo’s there she will be sent home. Ah have told you many a time that this party is fer adults only.”
“But Sis-.”
“No buts, Apple Bloom. You are not goin’ an’ that’s final!” Applejack furrowed her brow with such authority that it overpowered Apple Bloom’s pout.
“IT’S NOT FAIR! I AM NOT A LITTLE PONY ANYMORE!” Apple Bloom screamed as she stormed to her room, slamming the door with such force that it sent shockwaves through the house and even woke up Granny Smith temporarily.
“Well that was a pretty childish way to go about it!” Applejack shouted up to her, although she doubted she could hear her.
Big Mac walked through from the kitchen and into the hallway, where Applejack was waiting for him.
“Ya ready, Applejack?”
“Yep.” She didn’t look at him, she was more focused on the little filly screaming in her room. “An’ she wants us to treat her like an adult. Heh.” She shook her head.
“We better get going AJ. Ya know what Pinkie gets like if we’re late.”
“Oh yeah. I never understood why she cared so much about Ponies arriving on time so badly anyway.”
“Me neither. But c’mon, if we don’t leave now she’ll punish us, ya know that.”
Applejack had to bite her bottom lip, she found the idea of Pinkie Pie punishing her incredibly appealing, and she was even deliberating whether or not to waste time. No, Ah have a plan anyway and Ah’m stickin’ to it. Oh Ah can’t wait to have mah brother doing all that crazy stuff with me like what he did to Rainbow Dash the other day! 
She could feel a smile spread across her face with the memory.
“Err… AJ?”
Applejack shook herself back to reality. “Oh yeah, sorry ‘bout that. Ah was miles away. Let’s get going.” Applejack started a t a gentle pace out of the door. “Bye Granny Smith.  We will be back later. But we’ll try an’ keep it down.” This last sentence of hers was full of implications, but Big Mac was too ignorant and Granny Smith was too asleep to notice.