//------------------------------// // Ch. 63: Side... Battle of the Sexes // Story: The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody) // by TundraStanza //------------------------------// A/N: Please make sure that your format setting in the upper right corner is set to "Dark", not "Light". Thank you. I shall once again see if I can tell dry humor jokes on par with the cast of Seinfeld. I predict groans and headaches. Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and DHX Media. --- The Moment No Pony was Waiting For Season 2 (25) The following was written for satirical and entertainment purposes only. The views expressed in this episode do not necessarily reflect the beliefs and opinions of TundraStanza, W, B, the narrator, the computer, or anyone else represented or mentioned. Reader discretion is advised and encouraged. With that disclaimer out of the way, let's bring in our hostesses. Something seems different today. What are you talking about? I don't know. The atmosphere just feels... flipped. Well, while you're busy complaining about imaginary climactic changes, I'm going to complain about a real problem. It's called characters that are way too good for their own... well, good. Some of you in the audience may see this as a wonderful day. One of the characters that the fans hate so much will die in the arena of battle today. Will it be that forced love interest for Prince Dusk Shine, Second Rook? Or will it be that colt with the irritating lisp, Swizzle? She's Sorceress and I'm AK-47. And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. ---Death Battle--- Second Rook -Race: Pegasus -Attire: Golden armor of the Royal Guard -Current position: Guard pony at the beck and call of the Crystal Empire -Alternate ego of the high school senior that played guitar at Canterlot High -May have hidden feelings for Dusk Shine -Classified by many as a "Mary Sue" "His Highness, Prince Dusk Shine!" Why do we even need to talk about this awful girl? There's always that one audience member that pays absolutely no attention to the original sources. Remember, it's our job to analyze. Fine. *ahem* You know what I hate more than goodie two-shoes that have no character depth? Absolutely g**d**n nothing! Second Rook originally served under Prince Solaris of Equestria. But she was transferred over to the Crystal Empire shortly after Prince Mi Adore Tiemporus was accepted as the Crystal Prince. But apparently they were short on pretty, shiny armor since she still wears the helmet, armor, and hoof gauntlets of the United Equestrian Nations. Some of her traits echo onto her human counterpart in the human world parallel to Equestria. This Second Rook is smart enough to see through the ruse of picture-editing, popular with some of the guys, and dextrous enough to play the electric guitar even without a proper amplifier. Why oh why did they make this g**-awful girl the date and crush interest of Dusk Shine? It's like Hasbro decided that relationships and true love really start with spilled Starbucks contents. When my ex-husband and I first met, it was over spilled macadamia nuts, not java nuts. Huh? It's prepost-a-mous is what it is! Well, a lot of the writing for that movie came from an observation of the fans. Several Pegasisters drew art and wrote fan fiction about the spontaneous relationships with the main cast and their self-insert OCs. Maybe these works were sending Hasbro mixed messages about what the audience wanted to see. What?! What kind of crazy pony-obsessed grown adult woman wastes their time fantasizing about getting into a pony's nonexistent pants? I don't know, A. Maybe this picture of your pony OC with Elusive can provide some answers. Don't you *eff*ing dare, S. I'm going to do it! Don't you do it! "The Duchess and Duke of Maretonia!" Dang it! ---Death Battle--- Swizzle -Race: Earth pony -Attire: purple glasses -Cutie Mark: Two peppermint sticks -Current level of education: Mr. Fiddle-dee's class in Ponyville Elementary -Former friend of Apple Buck -Classified by many as a "Nerd" "Want thome peppermint thtickth I made? They'll brighten up your day." I'll be honest with you, S. When I saw Diamond Crown and Silver Tongue, I didn't think I'd ever find a colt that I could hate more. But when this guy talked again, oh my gosh. I was so wrong. Some people find the lisp to be one of the most adorable speech patterns in human history. Others, like A, find it to be one of the most annoying and ear-splitting. He's not even missing any teeth for *bleep* sake! How is he slurring his words this badly? Swizzle is among the student body in Ponyville's Elementary school and classmate to the Tramp Stamp Trotters. His special talent has to do with making candy in such a way that it can put a smile on anybody who tastes it. Like the Green Goblin with his gaseous steroids? Glasses usually mark the potential for intelligence. But due to his spoken roles being few and far between, it is difficult to gauge just how accurately this holds for Swizzle. I'll make this simpler for you. He's not very bright at all. If he were, I doubt Apple Buck would have given up on him simply because the boy found his cutie mark so shortly before Diamond Crown's cute-cenera. *sigh* True geniuses are never appreciated during their time. What are you talking about? I'm a genius recognized by thousands of fans during my day. Yeah... that's... great... A. I'm... happy for you... really. "Or ith it a powdered doughnut? That would be delithiouth!" Learn better enunciation, kid! ---Death Battle--- All right, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all. It's time for a DEATH BATTLE! ... with a few scattered weapons. Excuse you? ---Death Battle--- A full set of Royal Armor flaps into view, being worn on a mare Pegasus. Ignoring the cloudy sky in the background, she lands on top of a flat-roof building. Conveniently, a red, muffin-shaped mane floats nearby, standing on top of the head of a young colt. A pale hoof readjusts a pair of glasses. Wait, how did the earth pony even get up here? "FIGHT!" With childish enthusiasm, Swizzle gallops in for the first move. He delivers a swift kick to his opponent's underside. However, the resulting ringing from hitting nothing but metal leaves him shaking on the spot. He's left wide open. Second Rook uses this opportunity to throw a few front hoof jabs. She follows up with a hind kick to the colt's chin. Swizzle is sent flipping over backward. He ends up on a catwalk between this building and the one that was hiding to the right of the camera's starting viewpoint. The crash opens a suspiciously placed crate of various candies. Shaking off his dizziness, Swizzle goes digging through the sugary treats. By this time, the guard pony flies over just above the catwalk. She looks left and right for her opponent. So, it's a little startling when the colt comes jumping upon her with two sword-length candy canes. Somehow, the nerd is twirling these 'weapons' in the same fashion that Sektor did with his Plasma Blades in a previous Death Battle. Swizzle manages to smack his opponent down to a dumpster next to the building. Luckily for Rook, her armor seems to be taking most of the damage for her. As the young colt comes down for a finishing strike, he finds himself bombarded by random debris. Second Rook tosses garbage items ranging from half-full pie tins, old pillows, and even some broken nunchaku. The little nerd falls onto his back again. The pavement doesn't do him any favors. The fact that the experienced mare comes in for another round of jabs helps him even less. After he takes a few more punches to his face, he desperately tosses his melee candy. It's enough of a distraction for the colt to scurry away. However, there is an inadvertent target of the thrown candy canes. It is a mystery item box. A rather shiny red coat shimmers and reveals a novel electric guitar. The instrument just happens to land next to the armored mare. She takes a minute to stop rubbing her head to look around. Running out of options, the colt grabs the broken nunchaku handle from before and gallops in for one last strike. The effort turns out for naught. A bright red string instrument comes down an arc path and crashes against his face. His glasses, and an X-ray view of his skull, shatter upon the impact. Second Rook looks around frantically and then flies away. A mess of a pony starts to bleed in the alley. "K.O.!" ---Death Battle--- No! Dang it! The one time I thought brains would beat brawn turns out to be the time I'm wrong! Regardless of what others may think of her, Second Rook is not a Royal Guard for nothing. She has the experience and the intellect to see beyond first impressions and figure out what's really going on. I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! Hectic events and colliding with boys is a typical day for Rook. Having a fight and being able to utilize her environment with a randomized repertoire would fit right up her alley. *sigh* I guess the one bit of good news is that we have one less obnoxious voice in the gene pool. If only it weren't that b**** pulling the last strings. The winner is Second Rook. ---Death Battle---