I awoke instantly, a cold sweat covering my skin from my restlessness. I relaxed my rapid breathing until it was barely audible, being mindful of my bedmate (who was still smiling even in her sleep). I gently sat up and rubbed the remaining exhaustion out of my eyes, my mental faculties becoming more alert as I took in my surroundings. It was my assumption that it was the pre dawn hours of the morning, as little to no light was streaming in through the windows. I took a moment to recall the issue that led to my troubled sleep. My dreams were… harrowing, I suppose. Most of the details were hazy, but I distinctly remember them being filled with images of burning flames and ashes raining down from the blood red sky in clouds of tiny grey flecks, covering the landscape in a thick blanket of destruction and death.
The memory of the troubled dream itself wasn’t what was actually bothering me at that point, but more so the fact that Luna never showed up to dispel them with whatever magical dream mojo she uses. Granted, I could handle my own dreams just fine without the need for her vigil, but Luna didn’t seem like the type that shirked her duties. I shrugged it off after a brief stint of further reasoning. Maybe she was legitimately busy with night court this time, or was just really absorbed in that book that I fetched for her.
I examined myself and scowled at the moist feeling of clamminess on my neck and chest. My body might be a good deal stronger than it used to be not so long ago, but it still lacked the fortitude of my mind. I slowly shimmied out of bed with the utmost caution, taking care not to rouse the slumbering woman beside me, who was incoherently mumbling something in her sleep. Pinkie’s room (more of a loft really) was still well lit enough that I didn’t have to magically augment myself with night vision. As if to spite me, I stubbed my toe on the platform that Pinkie used to showcase her unique ‘talents’ to me yesterday; very nearly cursing up a storm and only just barely reigning in my righteous fury at the inanimate object. Once the pain subsided into a dull ache, I crept up the stairs using my fairly well leveled sneaking skill and towards the bathroom.
Once inside, I closed the door and let the knob gradually turn back with my hand on it, before grabbing a towel off the rack and overlaid the sill with it so I could flip on the lights without undue consequence. I wish I had some kind of cool story where I learned to utilize meticulous methods of stealth such as these… but sadly I don’t. I’m just naturally fastidious like that. I hit a switch and immersed the room in the warm yellow light coming from the fluorescent light bulbs dotting the mirror frame that was hanging over the sink. Question this land’s strange choosiness for technology all you want, but at least they had their priorities straight.
I twisted the hot water knob on the tub and began filling it with steaming hot water that quickly filled the rest of the bathroom with its vapors. After a moment of idle deliberation, I figured that I fancied myself a bubble bath and began pouring the concoction from the appropriately labeled container sitting next the sink into the tub and stirred it. Once the waters were of the appropriate temperature and sudsy enough, I ditched my clothes and settled in for a relaxing bath, kicking my feet up since the diminutive bathtub couldn’t fully accommodate my entire frame. This lounging was a little something that I hoped would get my mind off of the increasingly vivid flow of visceral memories that were becoming clearer the longer I laid there musing over it.
The way I saw it, that dream could have been one of two things: a run of the mill nightmare, in which case I dismiss it and continue with business as usual… or it was vision of things to come, in which case I needed to step up my apocalyptic scenario preparations. Given the last conversation I had with Celestia, I was reasonably inclined to believe that it was the latter of the two. I sighed from a mixture of worry and the after sleep exhaustion that still hadn’t fully dissipated from the edges of my sight. It was too early to be fretting over this crap, even something as mundane as a bubble bath was starting to seem more and more like a luxury I wouldn’t always be able to derive comfort from in the not so distant future.
I couldn’t find any kind of soap to rub myself down with, but I gathered from the fragrant smell of the bubble foam that it served a sanitary purpose alongside being delightful to one’s more juvenile interests. I allowed myself an extremely rare moment to drop my usual stoic expression and grin a bit at the leaning tower of bubbles I was constructing using a combination of magic and my own dexterous finger work. I idly wondered if Ditzy could manipulate bubbles with the same amount of skill, if not more so, if her Mana mark was any indication of her bubbly affinity.
I had to stifle a start when my left arm emerged from the spumy waters with a suds covered alligator attached to it.
“Jayzus!” I whisper-shouted at the currently wonky eyed reptile nibbling at me, “Don’t ambush a guy in the tub like that!”
He only blinked in response as he continued to gum my forearm six ways to Sunday. How the hell does he keep attaching himself to me without my notice?
I fake glared at the cheeky little bugger, “Back for another staring contest round?” He sluggishly (almost mockingly) blinked in what I could only interpret as an affirmative reply, “Alright” I narrowed my eyes at him, “But your mommy isn’t going to interfere this time”
And so I spent the next twenty minutes losing gratuitously to the adolescent alligator. That isn’t to say that it was a total landslide of victories for the mini croc. I did manage to break his first rate focus by subtly manipulating the bubbles around us to loudly pop at the most inopportune times. Still… Gummy was a heavyweight staring contest champion. Kind of like how the Mana Mark Maidens adulated Fluttershy’s ability to stay clam and quiet for hours on end whenever it was my turn to watch over them and their activities.
A sudden niggling sensation tickled at my extrasensory perceptions as a knocking on the door interrupted our fierce stalemate and jolted me into vacating the tub. I hurriedly dried off with the second towel on the rack after wiping away the leftover suds that were still clinging to my skin with a helpful application of magic. Loathe as I was to do it, I didn’t bring a second set of fresh clothes to change into, so I was forced to re-don my dirty ones. There was a second set of more rapid knocking that informed me that I should probably hurry up.
“Be there in a sec! Just hang tight!” I directed towards the door, making sure my unsightly and slightly shaggy hair was combed until I was somewhat presentable. I really needed to visit the local barber soon. It was unlike me to look so… unkempt.
I opened the door, seeing Pinkie standing in front of me looking bright eyed and bushy tailed (not that this was a big surprise). I neglected to mention this earlier, but her setting off my ‘radar’ as abruptly as she did was cause for some concern. The way I input the command into the passive detection spell, it was supposed to gradually track a person’s position and movement within a certain radius, which would increase as I poured more magic into the spell. Pinkie knocking at the door and setting off my spell when she did either meant that she was always there to do so, or that she was immediately there. Needless to say, both prospects were equally disturbing in nature to those who lacked the casual dismissal of impossible feats that being jaded affords.
“G’morning Zenith! Hope your dreams were as wonderful as mine!” Her voice was perky as always, and she was practically bouncing in place from excitement or an urge to pee.
“I’d be lying if I said they were” I answered truthfully, “Is there a prosaic reason for all of this energy? Or do you just really need to go?” I followed up, noting her jittery little dance.
She simpered sheepishly, “The latter. Although at first my achy shoulder woke me up, and that’s Pinkie code for an Alligator in the tub! But then I thought, ‘Gummy doesn’t like bathing alone’ so I went back to snoozing, hoping I could still catch the candy train before it left the station! So I couldn’t have been right, could I?” She held her head up in a questioning pose that accentuated her strange and naïvely innocent mind.
She was dreaming about candy trains while I envisioned the desolate aftermath of a great holocaust? Fortunate girl.
I rotated my neck around, peering back at the aforementioned Alligator who was currently watching us from beneath a canopy of bubbles, “Your uncanny intuition wasn’t wrong. I was enjoying a soothing soak in the tub when your precious pet decided that he wanted another taste of my arm” I explained, gesturing over my shoulder with a thumb.
She held a hand to her mouth and giggled, “Gummy’s just teething, there’s nothing to worry about”
I raised a skeptical brow, “And when he grows actual teeth after that?” I wouldn’t fail to notice his fondness of me then. Ouch.
Her amusement did not cease, “Don’t be silly Zenith! Then I would have to call him Toothy!”
‘May that day never come to pass’ I thought solemnly, just imagining all of the forearms that would be ravaged by his unstoppable lust for gnawing.
“Right…” I slid past her with the fluidity of liquid shadow, “Well, don’t let me keep you from answering the call of nature!”
I shut the door behind me with magic before she could get off another word. Rude of me perhaps, but my morning routine could do without her frenetic interloping. I may not have stressed it emphatically enough, but Pinkie Pie tried my patience the most out of the six element bearers. It’s not really any flaw of hers; it’s just that her mannerisms are all but antithetical to my own.
Whereas I was mostly quiet and reserved to the point of being an island, Pinkie was outgoing and extroverted to the extreme. I would keep my thoughts mostly to myself while she would impulsively act on hers. Heartfelt conversations aside, I was liable to grow weary of her constantly uplifted and happy go lucky presence if I stayed close by for too long. Her heart’s in the right place, and for that I’ll never fault her, but she needs to keep everything subdued or lessened around me if she’s to have any real chance of accomplishing her outlandish goal of getting me to smile with anything remotely resembling happiness.
On the other hand, if someone like Fluttershy can consider Pinkie to be a good friend, then maybe I could too in time. This supposition made me scowl in dismay, as the time for friendly association was a commodity that was going to be in terribly short supply in my future. It’s a real shame that when I finally realize that I should make it an effort to give this friendship thing a real chance at flourishing… I might not be present long enough to fully benefit from it. Celestia might not necessarily call me upon to serve the needs of the many right away, but I was going to be devoting much of my time to making certain of my preparedness for conflict.
Since I was deathly serious about this, it meant I was going to have to use the Twilight ™ readiness approach. This narrowly translated to reading up on Sun Tzu and von Clausewitz’s treatises on war and strategizing, upping my already vigorous practice sessions with my shadow sparring spell to hone my reaction times for dealing with multiple opponents up close at any given moment, as well as asking for regular updates on Arcania’s progress in the development of ordnance analogous to my world’s for the express purpose of its defense. I pondered all of this as I descended the stairs.
As a little bit of revenge for harming me earlier, I used my magic to roughly disassemble the pole dancing platform and unceremoniously shove the components into a closet that blended in with the wall so well that I wouldn’t have noticed it if it weren’t for the doorknob shaped like a bicycle horn (it even honked when I gave it a squeeze, much to my silent mirth). I doubted that Pinkie would mind me being proactive with her stuff, since I also doubted that she was up for giving me a second demonstration of just how flexible she was. Was it even possible to displease a woman like her? I’d likely have to be a real jerk-ass in order to get on her bad side. Albeit a certain Gryphondrian Princess comes to mind if I’m not mistaken about the previous happenings in this land.
‘I’d never picture Gilda as the Princess type. Then again, this world seems to be chock full of unexpected oddities’
I contemplated my next choice of action. I could slink back into the sheets like a lazy ass sod (although I wasn’t really in the mood to risk the onset of any more foul dreams), wait for Pinkie to finish answering the call of nature and see what she wanted with me (also an unappealing option), or I could go to the kitchen and fix myself some brecky. I promptly slapped myself on the forehead once I realized that I had forgotten to eat the candied bacon that I baked yesterday. I desperately prayed that the Cakes wouldn’t toss out my beloved bacon, not after all of the tender love and care that I put into its preparation. It’s likely that they didn’t let anything go to waste (not if Mrs. Cake’s… generousness was anything to go by).
It was not much of a contest, with me selecting the third path right off the bat. I quietly egressed the confines of Pinkie’s bedroom loft and moved furtively down to the second floor and passed the room where the Cakes slept and the nursery where the infants dreamed happily. I absently wondered why each of their doors were left open before realizing that the children probably woke in middle of the night and raised hell just like any other newborns. I felt immense pity for the parents for the day when their little Angels reached the terrible twos. It also aroused in me certain doubts about my own competence to raise offspring in an effective and nurturing manner.
I softly snorted in a self derisive way, ‘Look at me, referring to one’s own flesh and blood with cold and clinical terms like offspring. I can already tell I’m going to be a wonderful father some day’ Thankfully I hadn’t reached a stage in any of my multiple relationships where physical intimacy would bear fruit. And if I had my way, it would remain like that for the duration of the foreseeable future.
I reached the dimly lit kitchen without incident and began rummaging around for my leftovers. Incredibly, the baked goods that I created yesterday were saran wrapped and clumped together on an open counter in anticipation for the bake sale that was scheduled to happen some time today. I keep finding innovations like that and I’m going to have to reevaluate where Arcania stood on the technological development scale. Seriously, their armed forces aren’t developed much beyond sixteenth century standards (with the exception of their air fleet) and yet their civilians have access to a wide array of technology laying somewhere between the nineteenth and twentieth century in complexity. I would rage further at the infuriating discrepancies here, but it was going to have to be put on hold, for I found the bacon nestled in one of the refrigerator drawers.
I took out the whole tray and set it down on a flat surface free of any kitchen clutter and enveloped it in my magical aura before creating a thermic field to reheat my food, because the one thing that this mystifying world seemed to lack was a microwave oven. I let the bacon cook until it reached desirable levels of warmth and began to smell heavenly again. I debated over whether I should eat the entire tray’s worth of swine flesh or save some for the others. It was of my own making and that technically made it mine by right, but it was also made using the Cake family’s materials and they might want a bite. I decided on horking down three quarters of the victuals and saving the rest for my temporary hosts.
I ate standing up without any worries about my caloric intake. If Celestia could help herself to as many pastries as she does and still keep a trim figure (she’s got a plump posterior though. Just saying!), then I had little to fear of anything I put into my stomach adding to its slim girth. I know it’s not very manly of a dude to show any kind of concern over the things that he puts in his gullet, but I’m just stating the facts here. I was happily munching away at my food when Pinkie once again graced me with her cheerful presence.
“Hey Zenith, why’d you disappear like that? I was worried that I might have said something wrong and made you run off” Her smile waned just a fraction of an inch before realigning itself, not a reaction a more observant person like myself could miss even if they had a blindfold on.
‘A little bit insecure isn’t she?’ There’s something oddly unnerving about an unhappy Pinkie Pie. I’d have to dispel her fears before they manifested themselves again later at an inconvenient time.
“Goodness gracious no!” I quickly dismissed her notion, “I was just obeying the demands of my stomach. I apologize if I made it seem as if I was giving you the slip” I said as I bit down on a still tender strip of meat, savoring the salty sweet flavor.
Her few unraveled hairs re-curled themselves, a bizarre sight to witness, “Ah, I see. And apology accepted! Mind if I join ya?” She requested, to which I answered with a brief nod to the spot next to me.
She assembled her own breakfast in the simple form of toast and a carton of milk, then she put a weird spin on it by pouring a dollop of dairy on it; not enough for any to spill over, but enough to cover it to the crust.
She noticed me staring strangely at her, “What? Never seen someone cover their toast in milk?”
I raised a critical brow, “Can’t say I have. Why are you doing that, if I may ask?”
She shrugged and bit into her meal, “I threw a ‘Just passing by’ welcome party for a businessman from the capital a few days back. He told me that he was thankful for the thoughtful gesture, but was too milk toast to really enjoy it”
She chuckled a little as she chewed, “I mean, who puts milk on their toast? Butter I can understand, but dairy in liquid form? That just doesn’t make any sense to me. But as Rarity likes to say, ‘Sadly, there isn’t any accounting for taste’ or something like that, so I’m trying it out for myself!” Her impression of Rarity’s voice was scarily accurate, even getting the fashionista’s subtlest inflections down pat.
The idea of her possibly being a changeling was instantly thrown out the window, since I knew her earlier warping stunt without giving off any hint of power was impossible through magical means. Plus her eyes held no sign of hidden trickery whatsoever, and a person’s eyes reflect what’s buried in their soul. It was exceedingly obvious that Pinkie wears her heart on her sleeve openly… and last I heard, there was no such thing as a self sufficient emotivore. Hmm… I’d have to remember to also devise additional ways of unmasking changelings in the possible event that I meet any.
I almost chuckled myself once I put the pieces together, “I think what that man meant was that he was too milquetoast to get the most out of a social function focused solely on him. In other words, he was too demure to have so many eyes on him” I explained for her.
“OH…” She said after finishing her unorthodox breakfast, “Then why didn’t he just say that?”
I huffed before coming up with an explanation, “Likely because the vast majority of Concordians are a well spoken lot that are inclined to use a panoply of eloquent and fanciful words in their colloquies, often to hide their personal flaws from their peers in order to save face” I ate slowly, wanting to make this blessed food last as long as it could.
“Like you just did?” She countered with a slight titter.
“Yes, well… I sometimes like to showcase the fact that I am an erudite fellow who possesses a manifold of terms in his wide ranging vocabulary. Though unlike that pretentious rabble fussing over their social status up on the hill, I am not ashamed to admit that I have my fair share of flaws” I pride myself on humility, ironic as that sounds.
She got up to put her plate in the sink, “You shouldn’t be so quick to poke holes in yourself Zenith. It makes me feel as you don’t value your strengths over your weaknesses”
I shook my head, “I never implied anything of the sort. I just don’t make it a habit to laud my overall aptitude publicly. In my opinion, if you have something to be proud of, that’s great. But you shouldn’t flaunt it like it’s going out of style. Nobody likes a braggart, even when they can back up their words with actions”
“Does that mean that you don’t like Rainbow Dash then? She likes to do that sometimes” She pointed out, twisting the knob and grabbing hold of a retractable sink nozzle before thoroughly washing her dish of crumbs.
“The keyword being sometimes, Pinks. I’m able to tolerate a mild braggart when they have other redeeming values, and Rainbow has plenty of them” For instance, I doubted that many of her friends, beyond Fluttershy perhaps, knew about her being somewhat of a daddy’s girl. A secret that I found quite touching by the way, especially with how sensitive she was about it. However, it would be bad form to simply bring that up in conversation, doubly so behind her back.
I concluded my meal and handed the tray to Pinkie, who graciously washed it for me. She then went on to clean all the other soiled dishes that the Cakes weren’t able to get to after we went clubbing at Vinyl’s, guilt tripping me into drying them by remarking about how tired the married couple dozing upstairs looked. I didn’t mind getting roped into kitchen duty, since it was still too dark for me to do anything outside.
To pass the time, Pinkie related to me the story of how she stumbled across an enchanted reflecting pool that her nana told her about which created visually identical copies of the one who recited a special set of words and took a dip in the cool waters. As was to be expected, Pinkie then took it a bit too far and cloned multiple copies of herself so she could avoid having to choose between which of her friends to spend time with when all of them were doing their own individual thing. The clones themselves were not perfect copies of her (It’s my belief that they lacked her one of a kind soul), but they did have her excessively energetic spirit in common, which they subsequently used to wreak havoc all across town.
Her friends eventually had enough of the hyperactive craziness and decided to round all of them up inside of the town hall, where Twilight would cast a spell that would send them back to the source from which they sprang. Unfortunately, the spell wasn’t designed with discernment in mind, so it had the potential to axe the real Pinkie as well. To prevent such an outcome from occurring, Pinkie’s friends devised a series of tests that would sift through the crowd until their real friend could be found. Pinkie solemnly admitted to me that she had a severe moment of weakness where she actually doubted if she even was the real one, and she sank into a depression filled with self doubt about her true self. For some reason, her friends decided that such behavior was unlike her, and at first discounted her as being the lighthearted friend that they knew and loved.
“That was a serious mistake on their part if you ask me” I interjected, drying out the inside curvature of a metal mixing bowl.
“How? It was unlike me to be so down in the dumps” Pinkie said, not seeing past the surface of the point that I was trying to make.
“Your friends weren’t thinking deeply enough. Tell me, how many of your doppelgangers acted the same as you did at the time?” I asked without making eye contact. Eyes on the prize is something of an operating policy of mine, keeps distractions to a minimum while maximizing efficiency. I did keep my peripherals on the woman though.
She tilted her head to the side in recollection, “None. Each of them was a bouncing chatterbox that just wouldn’t shut up” She scowled, as if introspecting about how grating she could be to herself.
I resisted the urge to chortle. Pinkie realizing just how much her overly gregarious mannerisms could wear down on one’s nerves from her own perspective was rather amusing to see.
“Exactly. You were the deviation from the norm. And if there’s anything I know that Pinkamena Diane Pie excels at, it’s going against the norm. Even if that norm is her own bubbly self” I’m a little disappointed that the friends who have known her for years couldn’t recognize that.
“Wow! I’ve never thought of that before. But please, stick to calling me Pinkie. Only my parents and my sisters have ever referred to me by my full name. How’d you know about that anyway?” Her eyes narrowed as she questioned me, and I mentally slapped myself for slipping up again.
I kept a cool expression as I placed the bowl back in its appropriate cabinet, “I’ve read your profile. There is plenty of documentation back at the palace that detailed the six young women who I’d be spending some time around, I merely read up on all of you so I’d get a better idea of who’d be teaching me all about the wonders of friendship”
That wasn’t a complete lie. I knew for a fact that one of Discord’s duties was presiding over the archives that contained data about all of the Kingdom’s inhabitants (which he mostly used to come up with tailor made pranks for the nobility. Something I would never hold against him, even though Celestia disapproved most heartily of turning their business ties into rabid, hissing snake like creatures mid court).
She seemed satisfied with this answer, “Okie Dokie!” before handing me more dishes to dry.
Though a sigh escaped her before long, “Speaking of friends, Twilight’s been acting funny. And not the ‘ha ha’ funny that brings smiles to people’s faces. She’s been locking herself up in that musty library of hers all week, hardly saying two words to anyone!”
“That bad huh?” I dryly commented, while struggling to slip the towel in between the loops of a whisk.
“Worse. I tried surprising her with anti moping cupcakes, and she told me that such a gesture was ‘quaint, but ultimately ineffectual’ before tossing me out with her magic and erecting a selective barrier that would repel me around the library. Rude much?” She said in a jesting tone.
She tried masking her distress with humor, but I could tell that the hurt was still there. Though I must agree with her assessment. That was pretty rude. I personally would have eaten the cupcakes first, thanked her for making them… and then tossed her out. I can have atrocious manners, but at least I’m honest with myself. What Twilight is doing with her listlessness is a mockery of all that I signify.
I laid a comforting hand on Pinkie’s shoulder as she leaned against the sink in dejection, “I’ll have some words with her later, Pinkie. If she proves resistant, I have a few ways of countering being kicked to the curb with magic” Heck, I could probably dismantle most defensive wards she could put up by simply overloading their thaumatic lattice with raw magic. The backlash would likely give me a migraine, but the metaphorical walls of Jericho would come crashing down.
She looked pleadingly at me, “Promise?”
I held up my pinky in an echo of last night’s vow, “I pinky swear”
She smiled nice and bright as she hooked fingers with mine, “Thanks Zenith. You’re a good friend”
“So I am” I replied neutrally as we resumed working in tandem.
I waited until our task was finished before popping a question of my own, “What specific time is Celestia scheduled to arrive?”
Pinkie placed an index finger on her chin in remembrance, “Hmm… the missive said to expect her sometime after midday. I do hope she likes what we’ve made!” She hopped in place excitedly.
Midday huh? That gave me plenty of free time before then to get a morning walk in. Normally I’d make it a morning flight, but there were too many eyes to risk it. Being a secret Trifect does have its drawbacks as I’ve mentioned before.
“She’s not terribly picky. As long as it’s sweet and hand made from her subjects and friends, she’ll be pleased with what we’ve made” I assured her. Celestia was the type of woman one could easily appease if they appealed to her sweet tooth.
Pinkie spoke up as I made for the exit, “Aww… you’re leaving? Don’t you want to sing a good morning ditty to the twins with me?” She all but begged me to reconsider using her fierce puppy eyes.
“Not particularly, no” I responded curtly on the way out. I was in no mood to be around mischievous little toddlers, let alone sing to them.
The Sun was only just starting to peek out from beyond the mountain range to the east, bathing the valley in its warm rays. The air was fairly nippy, and each exhale presented itself in vaporous form. It wasn’t quite cold enough to make me consider changing into more suitable winter wear (and it would take some seriously cold temperatures to wear down my natural Valkyrian weather resistance). I rubbed my hands together and breathed into them before setting off in a random direction, mostly for acting’s sake. I figured that a thirty minute circle about the town would be enough to abate my urge to wander.
Sadly, I wasn’t the only early riser up and about. Since Sunday was a market day, folks were busy setting up shop at their storefronts or loading up horse drawn carts to truck their goods to the town square. A fair few of the ladies recognized my face and began chattering amongst themselves and pointing in my direction. I honed in on their conversations using my enhanced auditory sensitivity to see what the reasons for all this attention were.
“…Is that who I think it is?...” Said one woman with two toned peach colored hair.
“…It can’t be him could it? The Red eyed Rogue?...” Whispered another one to my left.
I rolled my eyes, ‘Yet another title I did nothing to earn’
“…Must be a look alike. There’s no way such a dreamy gentleman would reside in a backwater village like Magiville…”
‘Yes, please sow the seeds of doubt within your feminine ranks. The less people noticing me, the better’ Knowing my fortunes, it was highly unlikely.
A gasp, “…His eyes are red! It’s really him girls!...” It didn’t take long for the rest to confirm it. And for the tiniest of moments… I bemoaned having such distinguishable crimson irises. They slowly began to gang up on me in typical fan girl fashion.
‘Crap. I knew I’d regret modeling for those damnable magazines!’ I swiftly adjusted my course and hightailed it down an alleyway between a grocer’s and another retail oriented building, a small mob of women hot on my trail.
My star struck pursuers weren’t all that numerous and were too tunnel visioned to notice that the figure that they were chasing was a simple illusion that would dissipate once it turned the corner. The sound of multiple footfalls against gravel passed by me as I blended in completely with the darkness. I waited until the alleyway was clear before emerging from the shadows between two sets of open crates.
I huffed irritably, ‘What the hell did they even want with me? An autograph?’ It’s like being a member of a boy band or something, I swear.
My idea of morning exercise did not include being nearly run down by women who kept up with the trends. In fact, why were they even reading men’s fashion magazines anyway? I shivered as some less than savory ideas graced my thoughts. I could hear the girls muttering confusedly amongst themselves in the distance before they split up to check every nook and cranny to see where I hid myself from them.
I growled at this setback, they would probably take the better part of a half hour before giving up. So I’d have to lie low someplace that they were unlikely to scrutinize. The back of my head thunked against the stucco like walls as I considered what to do. Where could I tuck away until they let up in their ridiculous search? The creaking of a wooden sign wobbling in the wind tickled at my hearing and stimulated my thought processes. I suppose I could duck inside one of the shops and pretend to browse until the coast was clear again. I clandestinely rounded the corner twice (staying mindful of any lookouts) and snuck inside the building, the bell above the door jingling noisily as it announced my entry.
The smell of leather mixed with ink greeted my nose, bringing back nostalgic memories of when I used to duel imaginary opponents in my grandfather’s study. Once the nostalgia wore off, I took a long look at the interior of the store. Rows upon rows of sofas lay side by side in neatly oriented columns, selling tags (of reasonable prices) hanging by a string at their sides. Upholstery wasn’t the only item dominating the inventory though, as Feather quills of many shades and hues were piled together in little cubbyholes that were marked with color coded paper. Light was from outside was still a little scarce, so lamps hanging from the ceiling provided most of the illumination. This wasn’t a large store by any means, only about thirty by twenty feet in size, but it made the most out of its space by incorporating modularization that you might find in an Ikea. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was inside of Magiville’s own Quills & Sofas.
“Greetings valued customer! Welcome to Quills and Sofas and Pens… although that last one is a fairly recent addition” Davenport said with a chuckle as he came out of a stockroom carrying a wooden box filled with what I could only assume were more writing utensils. His appearance was more or less the same from when I first met him, save for a metallic nametag piece that now had an additional letter. It read ‘Q & S & P’ in fancy golden cursive.
His eyes widened once he realized that I was no ordinary customer, “Well if it isn’t my adventitious business partner Zenith! What brings you to my humble shop?” He interrupted before I could answer, “No wait! It must be your overwhelming curiosity to know how productive your investment has proven so far” He set his cargo down on the selling counter.
He tapped the box that he was still palming in his hands with a smile, “If you’ll pardon the expression, they’ve been selling like the local bakery’s choice hotcakes! People just love having such a compact portable writing device that phases out the need to carry along an ink well. I’ve already had to put in a few more orders from my suppliers to keep up with demand!” He jovially said to me. Which was funny, since I was the only other occupant who was in the store (and hopefully it would stay that way until I could evade my admirers).
“I’m… pleased to hear that they’ve been so well received” It’s about damn time these Philistines modernized the tools that they used to inscribe with!
He seemed off put by my typical lackluster reaction, “Come now my good lad! You really must show some more enthusiasm for your own success. Your investment has more than quintupled its value and brought all sorts of business back to my store! I’ve even made fountain pens a permanent fixture in my wares!” He insisted, tapping his newly etched tag for emphasis.
“Then why isn’t it just Pens & Sofas on the sign?” I calmly retorted, taking one of the pens out of the box and examining its smooth metal construction of the nib and ink feed. Arcanians were quick to adapt some style into their reverse engineering I see. Still, did they really have to rewind the clock back a century? I gave them a ball point pen to work with for crying out loud!
He scoffed at this, “Just because these newfangled self contained ink quills are rising in popularity doesn’t mean that I’m going to just stop selling something I’ve been peddling for years. There’s always going to be a need for feathered pens my friend” He folded his arms together in textbook repudiation of my implication that half of his merchandise was obsolete.
‘Sounds like denial to me’ I sarcastically observed. But I was here to wait out my pursuers, not convince my impromptu business partner that ink quills were a thing of the past.
“Not to mention that regular ink quills can come in a variety of colors, unique species of avian they were plucked from, and can double as a means of tickle torture for the little ‘uns!” He listed off, defending his old pride and joy to the last.
I held up my hands in a gesture of placation, “Alright alright, there’s no need to be so touchy about it… although, pens can also come in a sundry array of colors” I shrugged off his light glare, “Just saying”
He cut to the point, “I’m assuming you’ll be wanting in on your share of the profits? Let me just go open up my strongbo-” I stopped him by tugging on his shirt with my magic and shaking my noggin at him.
“I’m not here to collect on anything. Just checking in really. Keep on investing my share where it is” I spared a glance outside the window to see if my path was free again. A woman with fuchsia locks of hair was just outside the store keeping her head on a swivel, forcing me to duck back lest I be spotted.
Davenport seemed to notice my unease, “Problems with a lady friend?” He heartlessly chortled at my somewhat precarious position.
“More like multiple ladies, though I wouldn’t call any of them friends” I corrected, not finding anything funny about my lack of anonymity in the present time. Oh why did I have to get roped into being the fashion world’s latest star slash chew toy?
Davenport raised an inquisitive brow, “And just why are they after you?” He asked, shifting his weight forward in an unconscious expression of his nosiness.
I sighed and looked at him, “Do you keep up with the latest fashion trends or read any men’s dress magazines?” He shook his head in the negative, “Well I somehow got into a situation where two of the capital’s top fashion photographers were jockeying for a photo shoot session with me. They managed to both get what they wanted, and now I’m on the cover image of two rather prestigious magazines. Any woman who reads that pretentious stuff is going to recognize me from a country mile away and pester me for whatever reason she deems fit. My privacy in public is essentially dead as long as there are subscribers to those two magazines”
I held a hand against my temple as I felt a slight headache coming on just from talking about it, “I’ll have to either disguise myself from now on, or wait until the next issue comes out and have some of the heat taken off of me” I hoped that they updated those magazines weekly.
Davenport sported an impressed look on his face, “Can’t say I’ve ever experienced such a confounding conundrum. You must lead a mighty interesting life, Zenith” He remarked, making light of my misfortunes.
I groaned in frustration, “Wishing someone an interesting life is considered to be a curse where I come from” I informed him with an annoyed tone.
“I meant nothing by it. In fact… I’m even a little bit jealous” He stated.
I shot him an incredulous look, “Really? And why would that be?” Nobody should be envious of most of the crap I put up with.
He outstretched his arms in reference to himself, “Well look at me Zenith. Do I seem like the type who can step outside his door and suddenly be enveloped in an adventure? Even if that current adventure is merely being chased around town by lovely if not overeager young women?”
‘Not at first glance, no’ I conceded with a thought.
“Believe me when I tell you that it’s overrated” I deadpanned before adding further, “Adventure can be fine and dandy in its own right, but normalcy is needed for a healthy and balanced lifestyle” I gestured outside with a thumb, where a woman was literally scraping out barrels in her desperation, “This. This is well beyond any semblance of normalcy”
“Oh, but what I wouldn’t give just to trade places with someone like you! Just for a day! Nobody pays any mind to ol’ Davenport aside from a need for ink and upholstery!” He dramatically spouted, completely disregarding the point that I just made. Though that did give me an idea to work with.
“You really want to trade places with me huh?” He nodded with an anxious but hopeful smile, “I think we can work out an arrangement of sorts. But you’ll have to close up shop for the rest of the day” I lay down my condition.
He froze up at this stipulation, “But what about my business? The Golden Oak library is supposed to take delivery of this entire container of pre paid pens! I can’t just leave my shop unattended” Only then did I notice the paper detailing said order jutting out of a gap between the small wooden planks of the box.
I set a new destination on my itinerary, “I’ll deliver it to them in person then. Meanwhile you’ll be living out a small portion of my life, and both of us get what we want. You: attention, me: metaphorically muddied waters. Satisfied?”
He mulled it over for a minute before tentatively agreeing, “Alright. But just how do you intend that we trade places?” I was wondering when he was going to ask.
“Magic” Was my one word answer. At his look of confusion, I decided to clarify my response a little further, “Illusion magic to be precise. I’ll cast a spell on you that will alter your facial appearance to temporarily match mine. I can charge it with enough juice to last a full twenty four hours as agreed” Then he can be chased by starry eyed women to his heart’s content. The perfect decoy for me to slip by unnoticed, for at least a day’s worth of reprieve.
“But I’m a good deal shorter in stature to you. Won’t people detect a discrepancy there?” He had a point. I had a good head and a half height advantage over the businessman, who was roughly average in that category.
‘I keep growing and I’ll be a giant compared to these people’ I noiselessly groused. My own body wanted me to stick out like a sore thumb it seemed.
I was unconcerned by his reasonable indication, “Not really. The majority of the pictures I took with Photo Finish and Picture Perfect were from the waist up. Most folks shouldn’t be able to tell the difference” It’s all about the facial features in this superficial world, something that’s only magnified in the grand capital.
Davenport looked impressed, “Wow! I’m not big on the fashion scene, but even I know that those names carry some weight. I can’t thank you enough for this opportunity!” He said with utmost excitement, the gullible fool.
‘You’ll change your tune before long’ I thought pessimistically.
“Are you certain you want to do this? Because I won’t go through the trouble of undoing the spell after I cast it” Illusion magic of this caliber was firmly in the middle tier of casting complexity and difficulty. This wasn’t just a trick of the light or anything mundane like that. I was actually going to be molding his face to match mine.
He took off his blue vest, leaving only his white collared shirt on, “I haven’t done something this exciting since the days of my youth, Zenith” He approached me, “Come fortune or calamity, I’m frankly beyond giving a damn at this point. Hit me” He all but commanded.
I grinned deviously and brought a fist charged with magic back, “Very poor choice of words, Davenport” His expression was like that of a deer in headlights before my knuckles collided with his forehead.
The man went down with a small thudding sound as he fell against his register counter. I winced at my own ludicrously augmented strength yet another time. I only put enough motion into it to tap the guy, and he reacted about as well as if he took a solid knockout blow from Mike Tyson. I shrugged to myself dismissively. At least his ears were still intact.
I leaned down to make sure I hadn’t done any permanent damage and received a labored groan in return from the unconscious man when I prodded him in the shoulder (the old, tried, and true ‘poke it with a stick to see if it’s alive’ method). It was probably for the best that he wasn’t conscious for this, since his countenance resembled fresh clay at this time. For some reason, my mind was drawing a parallel to an episode of Spongebob where Squidward became handsome by having a door slammed in his face. Not to say that I was heaping praise on my own dashing looks, but you know what I mean.
Davenport’s facial profile began reacting to the magic as it crumpled and mashed together before gradually filling in again until it matched my own image. It would have been mildly unnerving to watch someone else’s face do such a close impersonation of dancing flubber, had I not been the deliberate caster. Mercifully, there was no one else around to bear witness to Dave’s indignation of having an expression with the flabby consistency of jelly.
It took about five minutes for the transformation to complete and another ten minutes for the hapless man to wake up. I took the initiative to flip the ‘Sorry, we’re closed!’ sign over the door in case anybody got any funny ideas about buying furniture at this hour. Another strained groan escaped his throat as he opened his now reddened eyes and blinked at me.
“Huh… Wha-?” He struggled to form a coherent sentence.
‘I didn’t knock the sense out of him did I?’ I drily thought.
“I’m approximately eighty percent certain on what you’re probably going to ask first” I cut in, “So I beat you to the punch (‘no pun intended’), and brought this for you” I held out a small pocket mirror that I found in one of the counter drawers (plausible for making sure his teeth were clear of any leftovers before tending to customers). Davenport caught his reflection and rubbed at his eyes, as if making sure he wasn’t dreaming it up.
“By the Sun and Moon! I look a good decade and a half younger!” He exclaimed, taking the mirror out of my hands and standing up in a wobbly motion. I felt that I should take that as a compliment. Davenport couldn’t have been far into his thirties.
He then remembered how I made this all possible and stared disapprovingly at me, “Did you necessarily have to punch me to make it work though?” He massaged at his sore noggin, “That really smarts you know?”
I held my arms up in an apathetic gesture, “Well what more did you expect from me? I’m not a plastic surgeon. I applied my magic directly to the forehead as I should have” How many times do I have to repeat this? Magic is more efficient when in direct contact with its intended target. Criticize my methods if you must, but don’t disregard the results.
“Well… I did ask for it” He admitted before grumbling, “Not that I expected you interpret that in the strictest sense” I resisted the urge to snicker. So that’s what I look like when I’m scowling.
“Oh boo hoo, allow me to play you a sad tune on the world’s smallest imaginary violin! With some dubstep thrown in for good measure…’ I smirked to myself, remembering some of the sick sounds that Vinyl’s bass cannons pumped out the previous night.
Of course, that also brought to mind how flirtatious she was when she said goodbye to me, which bugged me for a few reasons. I was already dating her old academy roommate (a little bit of info that I withheld from the DJ, to prevent things from getting awkward) and wasn’t very interested in adding her to the list of romantic interests. I’d put her down on the Fembro list any day though. Still… this inexplicable animal magnetism that women in this world feel towards me is more of a bane than a blessing in my opinion. My current state of affairs being a worthy case in point.
“Wait… my voice is still the same” He said aloud. Finally became aware of that, did he?
“So?” I droned back with an eye roll. I smacked him with a simplistic spell that morphed only his face… not a Polyjuice potion.
“So… I’m not able to replicate that monotonous and enigmatic dry timbre of yours. Anyone who even remotely knows you will instantly be able to tell that something is amiss” He brought up his latest concern. Assuming they can overlook the physical disparity first, he might have a point there.
“Then it’s a good thing that very few people in this town remotely know me or my speaking habits” I countered, “Just avoid attending the bake sale at Sugarcube Corner come midday and all will be well”
“Damn” Davenport murmured, “No hotcakes for me today then”
“Indeed” I humorously concurred. Who in their right mind ate pancakes in the afternoon anyway? And why would Sugarcube Corner even sell breakfast food beyond morning hours?
He made for the backroom again, “Well, I should probably go and close up sho-”
“I already did it for you” I brusquely interrupted as I grabbed the container filled with fountain pens before nudging Davenport in the direction of the door, “Remember to act natural. And if anygirlie asks what Photo Finish and Picture Perfect were like in person, just mention that they’re Sturmfolk with a fearsome grudge against each other and that should both entertain and deceive them into thinking that you’re the real deal”
He was practically shivering in anticipation, “Oh this is going to be so stimulating!” I found his excitement to be charming, but misplaced. Albeit, he wasn’t incorrect in assuming that his day would be captivating.
I magicked the door open and gently pushed Davenport through the aperture, “Go get ‘em tiger. Remember not to do anything I wouldn’t do!” I called after him as he strode confidently down the street. I wouldn’t want him using his new looks as an excuse to get some action, that would doubtlessly come back to bite me in the ass. I then waited patiently for him to vanish from sight as my cue to go.
Not a minute later, a loud shout of, “He’s over here girls!” was heard, along with a sound like that of stampeding footsteps. Word must have spread among the larger female population in town that there was a fashion celebrity in their midst.
‘Sucker’ I thought as I chose the opposite direction towards the local library with my newfound cargo in tow.
I wasn’t taking any chances with my own identity however, and cast a low level perception filter charm on myself. Anyone who gazed in my general vicinity wouldn’t see anything of interest and would go back to what they were doing. I’d disenchant myself (‘Heh’) once actual socialization became a must, but until then I was going to roll with this new pseudo invisibility cloak.
I had a look around to see if my spell was working. People were milling about their business as was per usual. Some would occasionally turn their gaze my way, but would otherwise ignore my existence. I heaved a short sigh of relief. I never thought I’d think this, but it was good to feel commonplace again, even if it came at the expense of a mental tug every time my magic was drained from an observer looking at me for any amount of time greater than a couple seconds.
I reached the front step of the Magiville library without incident and deposited the box filled with pens on the welcome mat before knocking on the door loudly enough for it to be clearly audible to anyone inside (provided that neither Twilight nor Spike were encapsulated in a sound proof bubble). I begrudgingly dropped my self enchantment and turned away before picking a random destination to head towards, as I didn’t really feel like risking Twilight opening the door. This was partly because I felt partially at fault for her atypical behavior, and partly because I was still having some difficulties repressing the memory of her unwanted trespass in the very core of my being.
The morning was still quite young, and I intended to get the most out of it before meeting Celestia at the bake sale and together confronting Twilight’s newly developed acedia afterwards. I figured that I would let her mentor who she’s known most of her life do ninety percent of the talking and emotional support while I followed up with the assurance that everything would work out fine. I thought long and hard about what I would say to her to repair the rift between us and put this whole ordeal to rest. I had a few rhetorical points to lead with, but they sounded as distant and aloof as Twilight was acting, so those had to be trashed. I grit my teeth in anger that was directed mostly at myself, why did I have to be so bad at this empathy thing? It’s not that I was completely unwilling to forgive her for her well intentioned mistake, but I just couldn’t find it in me to sympathize with her because of that very mistake.
The sound of someone whistling for my attention broke me out of my brooding. I turned in place to face the source of the disturbance and found the vendor of a cart with glass casing and various sweets inside motioning for me to come near. He was dressed in an all white uniform with black trim that reminded me of an ice cream truck driver, only his products weren’t dairy based. There was nothing about this person and he looked harmless enough, so I obliged his wordless request.
He held out what appeared to be a freshly dipped caramel apple, “For you, mister. Courtesy of someone who wishes for their identity to remain undisclosed. Though they didn’t word it quite as eloquently as I did” The vendor said with a vaguely Concordian drawl, something of random note to me.
I accepted the apple gingerly, “I should feel worried that they know about my mild weakness for caramel…” I weakly jested, mostly to burn time with idle chitchat. I meanwhile kept a watchful eye on my environment, wary of some kind of trickery at play. People don’t just hand you free caramel apples without there being some kind of ulterior motive, and that’s not just my infinitely cynical side speaking.
“I doubt that they were aware of that vulnerability, they seemed a bit too edgy to be the cool and composed type” He remarked on the side. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough of a description for an identification to be deduced.
“And what else did they seem to be, might I ask?” I probed, scanning for any anomalies on the ground level. Nothing suspicious stood out. Just a current of people flowing up and down the road. If I kept a low profile and avoided drawing any attention to myself, I might stay naturally incognito this time too.
“They seemed to be in a bit of a hurry. Though they did pay well for my discretion on this matter” He said with a rumbly chuckle. I resisted a disappointed groan upon hearing that. So much for milking clues about my benefactor from him.
“Well, I’ll thank you in their stead then” I nodded my farewell and continued down the street, seeing the ‘crowned roofs’ of the Magiville spa not far in the distance.
I took a crunchy bite out of my snack and instantly stopped moving, nearly causing one man to walk into me (which he actually apologized in passing for, before going around me). I sluggishly glanced down at the bite sized indentation I made in my food and discovered that this ‘apple’ had layers… and tasted heavily of onion. I swore I could hear hearty snickering coming from somewhere above me as I stood there in the middle of the street like I had just been pantsed.
‘Holy… macaroons. How did they know that I love caramelized onions!?’ I thought as I devoured the rest of the sugary onion with ravenous fervor. This was obviously a prank of sorts. Too bad the joke was on the prankster.
I licked my fingers clean of residual caramel and flicked the popsicle stick into the nearest rubbish bin. My satisfaction was followed by an almost comical belch that I politely covered up with a fist for propriety’s sake. Humming with delight, I set a course towards the spa, although it wasn’t the building in question that I was aiming for (not that I didn’t want to spend some two on one time with the twins), but more for the building that had a roof shaped like a jester’s hat just across the road from it. It was the place where Pinkie got most of her party supplies (as well as prank material) if what she told me was to be believed.
I secretly activated my proximity detection spell and set it to include everything within a spherical diameter. The results came through about the same as one would expect, with plenty of people on the groundside near me and one or two infrequent blips above the surface. However, it was the blip that strayed just above me to the left that was the most intriguing to me. A tight grin adorned my face as I considered this. Most people never bother to look up when checking for threats, but in my case I didn’t need to. The aforementioned blip was drifting too slowly to be a passing Valkyrian and was matching my pace.
Now if that doesn’t scream suspicious, I don’t know what does. If I had to take a guess, I’d say that someone Skyborn who knew me was stalking my every move using one of the free floating clouds that hung only a few hundred feet off of the ground. Normally, the local weather team could be seen darting about the sky and breaking them apart, but that was usually scheduled during late morning hours.
I narrowed down my list to exclude the many Valkyrian girls who talked (and often flirted) with me at my welcome party, until only those who I interacted with on a more interpersonal level remained. That left Fluttershy and… my shoulders slumped as I reviewed the only other candidate.
‘Rainbow Dash’ What was that tomboy following me around for? Was she the one behind the caramel onion? I ought to thank her for that delightful tasting treat… but how would I do that properly?
I peered back to the jester cap building and was struck with inspiration. Surely they must have some merchandise that I could use to ‘thank’ her with? But with Dash’s eyes on me, I couldn’t afford to go inside right away without her suspecting that there was something fishy was going on. Hmm… maybe I should get a fake mackerel and… nah, that’s dumb. I spied a wooden bench that was conveniently unoccupied and a nefarious scheme hatched itself in my head. Looks like I was going to have to resort to the magic of illusion for the nth time today.
Being the sneaky bastard that I am, I cast a simultaneous doppelganger spell coupled with active camo that allowed me to sneak inside the prank store while my doppelganger decided that a nearby bench looked comfy enough to squat its keister down on. It was auspicious that none of these stores were equipped with magic sensors or whatever that would sound the alarm as soon as someone who was rendered magically invisible entered the building. Maybe I’m just paranoid and people here are really trusting for some reason that I can never fully wrap my head around?
I dropped the active camo and shocked the hell out of some auburn haired chick who was carrying a bag filled with assorted goodies (one of which I recognized as a can of peanut brittle with a coiled snake hidden inside). I asked for a quick pardon and stepped around her before she could get so much as a flustered word off.
The Magiville prank store was… colorful, to say the least. It kind of reminded me of a mixture of a retro toy store and a grocer as I browsed the aisles. All of the products were neatly organized in rows with a specific genre assigned to them. For instance, they had a jump scare section where everything that was designed to pop out, explode (non fatally), or mechanically shriek was conveniently located. Much as I wanted to linger here and see everything this place had to offer, I’d need to pick an item quickly before my stalker began to sense that something was off and come investigate.
By chance, I passed by a six pack of old fashion cola looking bottles of assorted flavors that caught my eye. I rapidly scanned the description of the drink’s properties and discovered that each flavor had a unique and very much intentional ‘side effect’ to it. Cherry flavored soda would be ultra spicy as if the blood of the devil himself was infused into it, grape soda would result in relentless belching for five minutes, lemon lime would cause your lips to pucker up and stay that way for an hour, honey would give you hives (is that a hidden pun?), and kiwi would… yeesh, I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. A wry grin stretched its way across my face as I read the consequences of drinking the chocolate flavored soda.
I rushed to the register with all possible haste and slapped the six pack down on the counter. The man dressed all in green at the register was a polite fellow, idly exchanging niceties with me as I dropped ten bits into his hands and received two single pieces in change. I got a brief glimpse of his nametag and was stumped when it didn’t have anything to do with practical jokes, but made me somewhat hungry for cereal. ‘Lucky Charms’ wished me happy pranking along with some kind of short store slogan before tending to the customer behind me (who was buying a whole flock’s worth of rubber chickens and decorative party hats for each of them).
I went full camo again as I exited the shop and turned right. My fears almost came to fruition as Dash was descending from her cloud perch with an annoyed scowl on her face. The doppelganger illusion was sitting perfectly still on the bench looking more like a fleshy automaton than a person. My knuckles clenched around my drink pack as I took all of this in. The illusion wasn’t a hard-light conjuration since that would take an excessive amount of mana (I’m a little tight fisted with my magical expenditure, sue me). So if Rainbow decided to smack me upside the head for zoning off and ignoring her, fist would meet nothing but air and she would know that she had been duped. I could not allow that to happen or my plans for retaliation would be dashed… quite literally.
I growled to myself and prepped an extra flashy teleportation spell that dampened the air displacing ‘pop!’ so that I would appear in my illusion’s place without making it explicitly clear that I ported in. I could also use the ensuing explosion of light to hide my latest purchase underneath the bench. Just as Rainbow was about to grab illusion me by the shoulder, my spell released and I was subject to the sensation of going no-everywhere for half a second before appearing exactly in my illusion’s place and dispelling it. The unexpected burst of brightness overwhelmed Rainbow and she was forced to withdraw her hand and cover her eyes, eliciting a surprised shout from her. I wasted no time in sweeping the evidence of my deceit beneath the bench with a swift kick and assuming a perfectly blank expression (which was just slightly different from my default one).
Rainbow convalesced as soon as the light died down and glared angrily at me, “Dude! What the heck was that!?” She demanded, pausing in her anger to rub the spots out of her vision.
I feigned blissful ignorance, “What was what?” I responded in an annoyingly innocent voice. I have a bad habit of rocking the boat when I really shouldn’t.
She stared at me with disbelief, “I dunno… I was only calling you by name for like… two minutes now. I was starting to think you’d gone deaf or something, so I was about to tap you to make sure you were still alive when you suddenly lit up like a Hearth’s Warming tree and scare-, I mean… blinded me” She kept a straight appearance as she smoothly glazed over her verbal slip.
‘She managed to wait on me for a full two minutes before cracking? I’m honored’ I thought appraisingly.
“Was I ignoring you? I’m sorry” I apologetically stated with faux sincerity, “I was probably only toying with an immensely delicate astral projection spell and was completely absorbed in focusing all of my mental faculties to making certain that I didn’t stay detached from my own body… destined to walk the world as an impotent spirit indefinitely, all because somebody desired my attention so badly that they felt the need to physically disturb me and doom me to such a fate!” My voice gradually began building in volume until it was just below shouting level, making Rainbow recoil from its collected ferocity.
“Geez… I had no idea. Sorry” Was all she could mutter.
The regretful gleam in her eyes made me rethink my actions. My agitated outburst actually caught my own self off guard. Sometimes my own ability to come up with impassioned lies on the spot worries even me.
I sighed with mild lament, “No Rainbow, I’m the one at fault here. Casting such a perilous spell on a whim and in public instead of a private chamber was a huge oversight on my part. I had no right to raise my voice at you when the real culprit was sitting right here” I tapped my thigh in emphasis, “Allow me to find some way to apologize appropriately… as well as congratulate you on that devious onion prank of yours from earlier” I remarked further.
Her magenta irises lit up with graceful forbearance, “Apology accepted. Got you good didn’t I?” She grinned rakishly at me.
I grinned back as I took out the six pack, “Sure did” I slid out the chocolate soda and popped the cap with magic, “Let us share a celebratory drink on your successful prank!”
‘And to my imminent own’ I mentally chortled in my evil overlord voice and sequentially tapped my fingers together. Rainbow didn’t so much as suspect any foul play as I brought out the soda, nor did she read the blue lettered label designated ‘Distilled Poison Joke soft drinks’ on the paperboard.
“Hey yeah I’ll take one!” She exclaimed in a cocky tone, playing right into my trap.
She bumptiously took the drink I offered to her while I pulled out the grape soda for myself as to complete the deception. I bit down on the cap with my molars and twisted, bending the cap until the bottle was uncovered. Agrarian strength ensured that I could truly back up my bark with bite. Rainbow and I clinked our glasses together before going bottoms up. Even though the fizzy grape drink would cause me some uncontrollable gastric discharges for a few minutes, it would be worth it to see the dastardly effect it would have on Rainbow Dash.
The crazy girl chugged the whole thing in one long draft, while I took a few manly swigs of mine. She let out a pleased sigh and tossed the bottle overhand into a nearby bin without looking, scoring herself some serious style points. Not to be outdone, I hurled my finished bottle across the street, rebounding it off the rain gutter of a nearby house where it continued to bounce with a series of pinging sounds along a makeshift path before landing right into the garbage bin. I’m not going to lie, that was an extremely fortunate result considering that I was aiming straight for the can, and it earned me an impressed brow raise from my company.
Brushing off her bedazzlement, she smacked her lips as she processed the taste, “That’s stuff’s not half bad. Can’t say I’m big on chocolate, but it’s got this strange aftertaste. Do you know what it is?” She asked, a funny expression gracing her features.
“It’s… *Urrp!*” I was interrupted before I could unleash my punch line. Damn that stuff works fast! I beat a fist against my chest in order to eke out a clear sentence through the machine gun burps.
Eventually I managed an answer, “…It’s prank flavored…” I gasped out.
I’d smirk triumphantly at her, but I was a little preoccupied with balancing breathing and belligerent belching. As bad a shape I was in at the time, I wasn’t nearly as bad off as Rainbow, who began squirming uncomfortably as she shifted in her seat. The effects of the drinks were clearly kicking in for us both.
“You tricked me! I’m so gonn-” She was cut off by a deep rumbling in her gut, which she clutched with a hand as her face started to sweat feverishly. She expeditiously excused herself and hastily made for one of the few public privies scattered about town (picture a park outhouse in structure).
I wanted to laugh so badly as she awkwardly waddled-hopped away, but my own self inflicted prank was taking its toll, robbing me of the breath to express my mirth. I couldn’t afford to waste too much time getting myself in gear, since Rainbow would doubtlessly come looking for blood as soon as she was done answering the call of nature. I surmised that her insides were just about on fire as I stumbled away from the bench, leaving the rest of the sordid sodas behind for some other poor fool to find.
I hobbled to a nearby drinking fountain and doused the worst of my incessant burps with a hearty serving of water. There was an inscription I remembered reading on the carton that recommended Adam’s ale as an antidote to any of the ill effects that partaking in drinks distilled from Poison Joke inflicted on one’s self. It wouldn’t fully nullify my state of constant eructation, but I would need to at minimum tone it down if anyone was going to take me seriously… Not to mention that when Rainbow inevitably recovers and goes hunting for me, I’d need to be in tiptop condition if I was to weather her wrath (‘heh… weather’).
Once I was sufficiently recuperated (gaseous emissions reduced to maybe two or three every minute), I began to jog along the trodden dirt paths that meandered into one of the smaller Magiville town parks, eager as I was to get some uninterrupted morning strolling in. Much to my relief, it was still early enough that there weren’t more than three other people in the area, two of which were chatting amicably in a wiry gazebo with a yellow banner waving overhead while the other one was tending to the many vibrant flower columns that were separated by wooden plots. The gentle sound of a babbling stream of water branching off the main river that ran through town permeated the air. I inhaled deeply of the scent of contained and pruned nature before exhaling contentedly. Outdoor parks back home were not a luxury that I was able to take advantage of very often, which was something that I intended to work towards rectifying little by little…
Or at least I would have, had Rainbow not come barreling towards me at breakneck speeds with an angry expression on her face. Oh, and did I mention that she was flying too? That’s kind of an important detail.
“Scheiße!” I swore loudly before throwing caution to the wind and taking off just in time to avoid being bolt tackled by the Wonderbolt hopeful. She pulled through from her gastrointestinal distress much faster than I gave her credit for, and man did she look pissed.
She swiftly adjusted her course once she realized that I placed more of a priority on not being physically assaulted than risking my identity in front of a few people who were too busy doing their own thing to notice the aerial engagement that was beginning to take place just above their heads.
“Stop running you coward! Get back here and take your punishment like a man!” She screeched like a banshee, her features flushed with rage.
“I’m not running! I’m flying, away from you!” I called back, that minor impulse to correct people on their word usage acting up again.
She growled loudly enough that I could hear her over the rushing wind as she began to gain on me. Much as I hated to admit it, Rainbow had almost every conceivable advantage over me in this situation. Not only was she a much more experienced flyer than me… she was also a Wonderbolts trainee, and that meant a serious training regimen that taught her all kinds of complex maneuvers that she could use to easily run (or more accurately in this case, fly) me down with. I’d have to resort to essentially cheating with my magic to level the playing field and take away her upper hand.
I was not above doing such things when my health was on the line, so I began augmenting my wings to grant me extra lift with every flap and casting a slip-field around my body that nullified all air resistance and drag. I dared a glance behind and was slightly pleased to see that Rainbow was no longer ten seconds away from having another opportunity to snatch me out of the sky. I increased altitude and put us just above the lowest cloud layers. This served two purposes, to provide obscurity from curious gazes below, and in case an opportunity to lose Rainbow presented itself, I could use the clouds for cover.
Even after buffing my ‘flight stats’, Dash was still able to keep a significant pace just hot on my tail. The pressure of being chased so high above the Earth was both equally thrilling and terrifying. Ducking and weaving around the bulbous puffs of crystallized water vapor was also a lot of fun, even if the person behind me wasn’t enjoying it nearly as much as I was. My laughter only further incensed my pursuer, who dropped beneath the clouds and left me guessing as to what she was attempting to achieve. If I had to take a guess, I’d say that she was trying to lure me into a false sense of security before ambushing me right when I thought I was in the clear and slowed down.
Unfortunately, my guess proved to be inaccurate, because the white puffy clouds that had proven to be easy obstacles before, were now gradually turning darker and more sinister in appearance. They also inexplicably began chaotically changing their elevation and turning the local airspace into a kind of pocket filled to the brim with the black barriers. White flashes within their murky depths reminded me that they also doubled as electrical hazards that would make for a shocking experience should I so much as graze the surface of one. I had to bite back a string of curses as I ducked and dived to avoid one such cloud that popped up right in front of me, Rainbow wasn’t afraid of fighting dirty either it seemed.
I searched around for some kind of escape route and saw it in the heavens. A circular opening not unlike the eye of a hurricane glared down at me from above, the streams of sunlight that were pouring through it served as the only source of illumination now that storm clouds blotted out most of the outside light. However, it was an opening that was rapidly closing, for the highest and more jagged looking storm clouds began converging on each other in a way that resembled a closing maw of a great beast. I pumped my wings for what they were worth and ascended like Icarus, only I had no illusions about my limits or theoretical flight ceiling.
Dodging and weaving around the chaotic movements of the storm clouds between my exit and myself was thoroughly challenging, and even the slightest mistakes on my part were punished with sharp zaps of electricity that made my hair stand on end and my muscles twitch uncomfortably. Harsh winds battered me back and forth and I had to struggle just to maintain my heading. I promptly decided to amend my previous opinion on the amount of fun I was having, because navigating in the bowels of that tempest was just plain miserable.
Just as I was about to clear the worst of it and emerge victorious, Rainbow came speeding out of nowhere roaring like an Amazonian warrior woman and charged right into me. I wheezed as the wind was knocked out of me and we tumbled out of the eye of the artificial miniature hurricane. My active and passive spells fizzled out as the rough contact broke my focus on maintaining a mana feed to them. Our eventual landing on one of the flatter clouds in a second layer above the fluffy ones was punctuated by a series of rolls that resulted in a jumbled mess of bodies and ruffled hair.
Our crash landing also culminated in something that I found both dreadfully cliché and slightly arousing despite that. Rainbow propped herself up to discover that she was straddling me in a cowgirl position. I had to resist the urge to chuckle at her frizzled coiffure as she slowly shook off her daze. Evidently she had cut corners during our chase and plowed straight through the storm clouds in order to get to me. This girl really will do anything to prevent herself from losing.
The aspiring aerialist may have successfully waylaid me, but I could still manage to get in some jabs of my own before I ever surrendered. I moved my hands until they rested on the exposed portion of her thighs that weren’t covered by her baby blue sports shorts. The rather intimate physical contact staggered her from whatever fury filled speech she was about to give me.
“So you like being on top huh?” I cheekily poked at her, making her already red face even more crimson. Either with frustration or embarrassment was hard for me to tell.
She slugged me in the shoulder, but kept me pinned regardless, “Keep dreaming pal. What you did to me back there was evil” She balefully glowered at me for a few seconds before grinning, “But also pretty sneaky. I hadn’t pinned you for prankster material. Probably why you were able to blindside me like that” She tried to cover up her wounded pride by acting casual.
‘Oh Rainbow, you’re much too transparent for that’ I’ll play along anyway, wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings or anything.
I was also idly wondering why she allowed my hands to stay where they were. On that note, Rainbow has surprisingly smooth skin for a girl who seems like the messy type. I might not be the only one who has a secret appreciation for spa treatments.
“You’ll find that I’m full of surprises” I spoke under my breath.
A strange self satisfied fuzzy feeling overcame me as I lay there. I always wanted to say that, even if this weren’t the context I’d picture myself using it in.
She scoffed and crossed her arms together, “That’s not the only thing you’re full of” She quipped back heartlessly.
I removed my hands from her person to fake having heart pains, “Ugh, your cruel words wound me my lady! Am I really so lowly in your eyes?" I melodramatically declared. That was an Oscar worthy performance right there. Too bad Rainbow didn’t have the same appreciation for the theatrical arts.
She rolled her eyes at my theatrics, “Do you even listen to half of the horse crap that comes outta your mouth?” She punctuated her question by poking me in the chest.
I shrugged as best as I could, given my sandwiched circumstances, “Sometimes. Other times though I just like to talk out of my ass… Which lends some credence to your well founded inquiry now that I think about it” I added shortly afterwards.
She groaned and held a palm to her forehead, “Ugh… Only Rarity and the Egghead like using so many big words all the time. You know what I think? I think it’s just an excuse used to hide your lame-ness” She placed added emphasis on that last part.
My eyes narrowed slightly at her open insult, “There’s virtue in being a multifaceted being, Rainbow Dash. It also demonstrates that you’re a well rounded person who actually values their education and expresses that in conversation” I kept my voice calm as I enlightened her on the fallacy of her beliefs.
“Pfft! All it does is make you sound like some pretentious wad” She asserted, unaware of the argument ammunition she just gave me.
I raised an eyebrow, “I’m detecting high levels of hypocrisy coming from right above me. Somebody just used a word with more than three syllables in it” I craned my neck to the side, “Was it you by any chance?”
She seemed to realize her error, as her cheeks puffed and flared once more, “It’s just a word I saw in one of my Daring Do books!” She defended herself vigorously.
In spite of myself, I chuckled coarsely, “Dee Dee does put up with a lot of pretentious pricks, with myself apparently included on the roster” I intonated my voice in an ambiguous impersonation of sadness. I am far too stolid to pull off that moue that Rarity should be renowned for.
Her constant glare softened in intensity, “Hey… I didn’t mean it like that. I just keep getting this negative vibe from you. Like you haven’t been completely on the level with myself or our friends and you’re putting on some kind of act to screen yourself from us” That’s a remarkably insightful observation from someone who likes to think in simple terms.
I also noted offhand how she believed me to reciprocate the idea of friendship and filed it away for future reference.
“That’s because I haven’t told you or your friends everything about me” I replied with honesty, though deliberately counteracting Rainbow’s use of the ‘our’ in regards to her friends took a little more effort than I expected.
The spectrum haired woman took this news with more grace than I’d previously given her credit for, “I thought as much. Is there a particular reason why you haven’t been open with us?”
“Several, actually. Though I’d be more willing to elaborate if you’d stop sitting on my wedding tackle” I rocked my hips from side to side in case she didn’t get the picture.
The expression of shame on her face was adorable, and I just couldn’t hold back my laughter as she dismounted me with awkward flailing motions. Small wisps of snow white cloud broke off like tufts of cotton as she righted herself next to me.
She slugged me in the shoulder yet again as she recomposed herself, “You’re such a jerk! I can’t believe AJ actually shared a shower stall with you!” She cried out, her nose scrunching up in an oddly cute way.
“Oh? Confronted the farm girl about that did you?” I smirked unabashedly, much to my companion’s annoyance.
“I wouldn’t be so smug about it if I were you. She said, and I quote, ‘I’m none too pleased about that city slicker havin’ the gall to brag about somethin’ as private as that’. So I wouldn’t expect a warm reception the next time you see her” She stuck her tongue out at me like a juvenile who won her arguments via gossipy crap that doesn’t have much impact on someone like me.
I gave her a flat stare, “Would she prefer that I lie about having any kind of physical involvement with her? Kinda goes against the whole ‘Honesty’ thing, doesn’t it?” Technically it’s a lie of omission, but it still counts! I don’t see what’s got her panties in a twist in the first place. It’s not like we shagged each other or anything!
She held her hands up in a disclaiming notion, “Dude, that’s between you and her”
Gee, what a Loyal friend this girl is.
‘And it’s only because you had to flap your gums that I actually have to make sure thunder thighs and I are still cool’ I groused to myself.
“Yes it is… just like revealing more about myself is between you, me, and the rest of the girls, when we’re all together” I rebuffed her persistent need to know by defaulting to my fallback condition for the disclosure of secrets between myself and the Elements.
She scoffed a second time, “Keep dodging us with that excuse as much as you want, Zenith. Eventually we’re going to catch you and force you to spill, just like I caught you in that turbulence” She gestured with a thumb back to the swirling vortex of lighting and rain we had just flown inside only scant minutes prior.
“Congrats, you gave yourself electroshock therapy just to barely accomplish grabbing me, by the skin of your teeth I might add” I deadpanned, “How did you make the clouds get all angry like that anyway?” I asked, switching subjects to one less annoying.
“You seriously don’t know how Valkyrian magic works? It’s like you’re from another country or something!” She shouted in exasperation.
“Much further than you think, Rainbow. Now please illuminate me like I’m a fledgling who’s only just learned his wings” Believe it or not, but Skyborn actually apply avian idiomatic terms like that to themselves from time to time.
She ran a hand through her frizzy hair in an attempt to make it look like her usual unkempt style, “Fine. But you better have a good reason for acting like you’ve been living under a rock all this time”
She took a deep breath and summoned her wings. I don’t know what makes Valkyrian wings so mesmerizing up close, but I can’t help but gawk a little every time I see their ethereal yet structured wavy form. I pushed the desire to touch them to the back of my mind, recalling how such an action could be easily misconstrued by the proudly Skyborn woman. Not to mention invasive of her personal space, her own disregard for mine notwithstanding.
Rainbow spoke in a near lecturing tone that was quite different from the scratchy and informal one that I’d normally hear her speak, “A lot of Stellar Mages like to think that their abilities are the only type of magic that matters. And I’d personally knock them on their ass if they ever said that to my face, because they’re flat out wrong. Agrarians and Skyborn possess a latent magic that might not be as apparent as the rock head’s is, but has just as much of an overall effect on our society. Without the Agrarian’s ability to till even the most barren of soil and the Skyborn’s capability for positioning rainclouds where they’re most needed, there wouldn’t be much of an Arcania to begin with”
She paused in order to respire before continuing, “I’ll skip the ground pounder’s skills and move on to the raddest folk’s affinity for all things sky. Much like a Stellar Mage’s focal gem, our wings serve as the foci, that’s the plural of focus… right?” I briefly dipped my head in affirmation in response to her hesitation, “Right, the foci of our inherent magic. Air currents, windage, even the temperament of clouds can be affected by Skyborn magic. With it, a practiced Skyborn can transform even the most tranquil cirrus into a cumulonimbus that spits lightning that doesn’t take crap from anybody. Although, the process of doing that would take several Valkyrians and an hour or so of shuffling cirri together and imparting them with spark… but you get my point. Of course, a flock is always more effective than a lone flyer”
“Then how were you able to whip up something like that so quickly?” I gave a nod towards the proto cyclone, which neither grew nor shrunk in size with the passage of time.
She bristled with no small amount of pride, “Heh. Being an Element of Harmony and the awesome flyer I am, I get a bit of a power boost in those areas. So I technically could do the work of an entire flight group by myself, not that I’d really want to… but I totally could” She insisted, lazily swinging a leg off the edge of the airy platform.
‘Interesting, so the Elements are a cut above the rest by right’ I suppose that even magical jewelry can be inclined to nepotism.
“You sure are knowledgeable about all this. For a second I swore that you started to look like a certain lecture loving librarian” I teased her, ignoring the fact that her bookish friend was not feeling herself at the present time.
In return she just looked unamused, “I’m the manager of the local weather team and a Wonderbolt applicant. I have to know stuff like this or I’d be a disgrace to feathered folk everywhere!” She threw her hands up in a dramatic display that was pretty darn close to Oscar worthy, but not a close second to my own though.
“Speaking of which, I need to dismantle that setup, since there’s no rain scheduled for today anyway” She got up and peered over the edge before turning back to me, “You feeling up for some hands on learning?”
I nodded, “I don’t have anything demanding my time until noon, so sure”
She genuinely smiled to me before saying, “Cool” and dived off the cloud with minimal flair.
I stood up and followed after her, freefalling until I spotted a tiny dot of prismatic hair growing larger. My wings shot out and slowed my plunging descent until I was level with a hovering Rainbow about midway down the vertical perimeter of the storm cloud column.
“What’s the first thing on the agenda, teach?” I asked, eyeing the enormity of our little chase’s outcome.
“I was thinking that I work the top half and you work the bottom half and we meet up in between. But first…” She zoomed ahead and brought back a tiny puff of pall for her to demonstrate.
She shoved the bite sized chunk of cloud toward me, “I want you to feel it”
I obeyed and grabbed a hold of it, feeling static passing through my body in a harmless if not strange wave of stimulation.
“Okay, now what?” I followed up as I examined the object I was holding. It was like holding a Van de Graaff generator, only a lot more moist and less metallic.
“Reach inside yourself to the parts that feel distinctly Valkyrian. You should be able to easily tell the difference if what Twilight said to me about Stellar Mage magic is true”
I closed my eyes and dug deep, searching for this so called distinction. I hummed thoughtfully to myself once I felt an amped up but not wild sensation of energy that felt both different and similar to the warm wellspring of magic that I usually drew upon. My eyes shot open as I recognized this feeling. I had called upon it during my duel with Luna to downburst her Mage-blade shards and create an avenue of attack for me to exploit.
“You got it?” She asked, even though the astonished look on my face was confirmation enough.
I mumbled an affirmation, silently stunned as I was at already subconsciously knowing this power and using it before, “Good. Now take that inner potential and direct it through the cloud, willing it to calm down” She directed, raising and lowering her hands as if to illustrate her point.
I did as she asked and commanded the cloud to ‘chill out’, although doing that resulted in it spewing out tiny bits of hailstone. I simpered innocently at the bemused Rainbow and reworded my command, watching it rapidly shift from an angry ice spitting black to a fluffy white once again.
“Pretty easy huh?” Her smile was starting to revert back to that cocky flyer disposition that was both aggravating and endearing at the same time.
“Easy enough” I agreed torpidly, not really feeling up to mirroring her enthusiasm.
“Now that you know the basic gist of things, let’s make this a competition. Whoever reaches the halfway point first wins!” Without waiting for my consent, she dashed off towards what was undoubtedly another contest that she was determined to win.
I shrugged to myself and set a casual pace down to the bottom of the billowy mass. I figured I would take my time to both get it right, and let Rainbow’s fragile ego relish in another victory, even if it was thrown by me. It was incredible just how easy it was to reverse the effects of Rainbow imparting ‘spark’ into the large cloud masses until they looked like they normally did. I did have to work a little harder to apprehend the rogue clouds that were changing their elevation willy nilly. Remembering my checklist of things I’ve wanted to do since I got here, I stomped on a storm cloud and made it shoot a deafening bolt of lightning.
To borrow an overused word from Rainbow’s vocabulary, it was freaking awesome, even if my ears were ringing for the next two minutes.
I reached the halfway point after five minutes of flitting back and forth mollifying the stormy sea and found an impatient Rainbow waiting for me and tapping her foot against a makeshift cloud platform that she was using to survey, causing small bits to break off and float around her legs like down feathers.
I pacified the last of the black masses and landed beside her, “I wasn’t terrible for a rookie right?”
She sighed, “No, terrible would have been twenty percent faster than that. I would rank you as Grade A slowpoke right now” She slapped me on the back, hardly budging me, “C’mon dude! You weren’t even trying to keep up!” She admonished, disappointment clear in her tone.
“I tried! I wasn’t feeling that competitive was all” I excused with faux timidity.
She groaned and slumped her shoulders, “You aren’t nearly as badass as the book made you out to be, Mr. American”
“I’m not really in a life threatening situation at the moment, so my badass side is busy taking a relaxing nap. Something which you aren’t allowed to criticize, Ms. Snoozy” I replied evenly, relying on her lazy side being pertinent here too.
I think I struck a nerve, because she tensed immediately, “Hey! Just because my preference for multiple naps during the day is frowned upon, doesn’t mean I can’t clear the skies in ten seconds flat and show all of my critics up!” She said defensively, prideful about her efficient reputation being discounted so callously by me.
I sighed tiredly, “Much as I enjoy trading whimsical barbs with you Rainbow, Daring had a much sharper tongue and always kept moving things along” I wanted to do something other than have my time used up by someone who thought a caramel onion would make a great prank.
“She use that tongue of hers for anything else?” Rainbow pried cheekily, wagging her eyebrows suggestively.
‘Okay, now she’s starting to sound a little like Dee’ I quietly conceded.
I gave her a neutral stare, “Wouldn’t you like to know?” Before spreading my wings and taking off, making for the town below. Ditching my company however, wasn’t as simple as that.
“Hey wait up!” Rainbow shouted before taking up a spot to my right, “You’re not getting rid of me that easily, American. What is an American anyway?” She inquired, after chewing over the pronunciation of the foreign sounding word and having her curiosity piqued about its meaning.
“A miserable pile of democratic, liberty loving patriotism” I hammed, not really taking her question seriously.
“Wow, aren’t you glad that you became an Arcanian instead then?” She tepidly responded, seemingly taking my words directly at face value. Sometimes my monotonous sarcasm just soars over people’s heads, quite precisely this time around.
“Uhh, sure” I said in a preoccupied tone, scanning the ground for a safe spot to land. I really should be getting more friendship credit for letting this girl tag along when I could be doing my own thing.
The increase in people that were out and about made my task much more difficult than I’d like. To my amusement, I saw a lone figure being chased by a small mob of women somewhere in the northern part of town. I could almost feel the palpable waves of buyer’s remorse from up here!
Eventually I settled for the nearest landing zone by the prank store that had the least amount of people wandering by. I went full camo for roughly ten seconds until I could touch down in one of the alleyways between the shops and homes that made up this partition of the town. I did question the effectiveness of this method though, as Rainbow had no semblance of secrecy and followed right behind me. This might seem like a trivial concern, but anybody who knew Rainbow would find it slightly odd that she chose to land in an alleyway and emerge with me when they saw her flying solo.
Bah, I’m probably being paranoid again.
“What’s with all this sneaking around on your part?” She interrogated me randomly as we dusted the cloud residue off ourselves.
“In case you haven’t noticed, nobody besides the Elements and the Princesses are supposed to know that I’m more than just some Stellar Mage who dropped in town one day. And I prefer to keep it that way” I reminded her.
“Is it really that big of a deal? So what if you’re another Trifect? They do great things for everyone!” She directed her eyes upwards, “Heh, if I were a Trifect. I might actually be able to surpass my airspeed record. If that’s even possible!” She said with a wistful sigh.
I scoffed internally at the idea of Rainbow pulling off multiple Rainbooms, “It is a big deal, albeit not for the reasons that you’re thinking. Though I admit that it would be pretty awesome to see you break the sound barrier multiple times over firsthand” I added on the side.
She proudly pointed a thumb to herself, “That and more. I’d totally reinvent the word awesome if I were a Trifect, dude. So what are we doing here?” She asked, looking around for some kind of indicative clue.
“We’re going to do some shopping” I glanced back at her, “Try not to get too excited” I sarcastically remarked.
She shot me a flat expression, “Do I look like Rarity? Stop lumping her interests and my interests together. We’re almost complete opposites”
“What if I told you that we were shopping for prank related wares?” I amended.
Her sour face flipped back to excited, “Alright, that does sound like fun. Why didn’t you just say that!?”
“I just did” I sneered, receiving another harmless love tap on the shoulder.
We bantered some more back and forth as we entered the store before shutting up. Dash’s eyes lit up and I could tell that she was struggling to contain herself. Can’t blame her, the local prank shop has some pretty neat stuff. I spared Rainbow some bits since she neglected to carry a munny pouch around and used what change she had to pay off the vendor who gave me the caramel onion. I told her to find something unique that we could use to make someone’s morning more interesting. Since I already had a few ideas of my own to work with, I proceeded straight to the aliment and hygiene section (which ironically had normal prank free products). I stocked my store provided wicker basket with common items such as food coloring, toothpaste, and an empty beer bottle that looked like it was full but actually had the liquid contained inside the glass (I found it one row over from the prank free section).
I met up with my equally mischievous acquaintance back at the register and reviewed her choice of prank wares. I could already see what she was planning on doing with the beard wig, cosmetics, and superglue, but the fishing rod eluded my understanding.
That was until she produced some plastic insects from her person, “I know some flower girls who are absolutely horrified by anything icky. Trust me, you’ll love it” She assured me, stuffing them back into her pocket.
That sounds vaguely familiar, “One of these girls wouldn’t happen to be named Roseluck, would she?”
Her forehead creased as she processed my words, “Yeah… the name rings a bell. You know her?”
“She and her friends mistook me for a vampire simply because of my eye color” I droned in return, remembering how estranged I felt by their overreaction to an inconsequential thing like the gleam of my roguish irises.
I had no regrets snidely commenting over their lackluster intelligence, even if Roseluck sort of redeemed herself by giving me directions to Time Turner’s workshop. Heh, the Apple’s never did find out that I accidentally trashed one of their clocks. Besides, the backbreaking unpaid labor that I endured there was more than punishment enough to satisfy any debts I may have accumulated during my stay here. With the tiny exception of making Twilight lose sight of herself and spiral into a sort of pseudo depression.
She snorted with amusement, “I can see them doing something like that. They always scream and take cover underneath their flower carts whenever I so much as pass overhead”
I had my doubts about that. Rainbow’s definition of ‘passing overhead’ is doubtlessly more closely related to ‘buzzing’ the ground in a flyby.
“The very embodiment of skittishness, they are” I sagely stated while placing our things down on the counter.
Mr. Charms greeted me a second time, expressing enchantment over how I was gracing his humble business with a double dose of coin. Rainbow connected the dots and gave him a heated stare once she figured out that this man was partly responsible for the chocolate flavored laxatives that I tricked her into drinking earlier, but eventually let it go when he took no notice of her disdain whatsoever. Forgoing the need for a bag, we paid for our supplies and departed on civil terms, with Lucky wishing the two of us happy pranking.
We decided to take turns testing out each other’s ideas, starting with Rainbow’s fake beard, maquillage implements, and superglue. She informed me about a popular spot for napping outdoors (‘she would know’) that was both peaceful and idyllic. This place could be found where the watermills delved into the natural energy provided by the running water flowing from the mountain, the very same mountain where the capital city stood tall and proud in the distance, glimmering like a spike of pearl and silver. It was a quaint little picnic area surrounded by a small copse of trees that provided shade (though not for very long, as they were shedding their leaves in accordance to the shifting season) for a trio of padded benches lining the outskirts.
We were in luck, because a couple was currently relaxing on one such bench, snuggled up against each other like two peas in a pod. The man had dark blue hair and a dopey smile on his face, while the girl he held in his arms had one of those dual colored swirly hairstyles that I saw so many women in this town sporting. From the slow rhythm of their breathing and the equally sedate beating of their hearts, they were asleep. I rubbed my hands together and shared a knowing smirk with my partner in crime. They would be the perfect targets for what we had in mind.
We went to work on the unsuspecting couple. I did the ‘beautification’ for the guy while Rainbow had to bite down snickers as she traced the girl’s jawline with the tube of super adhesive gel before pressing the inner lining of the wig beard against her face. Once that was done, we gently applied the finishing touches on our victims and withdrew into the bushes to await the results. We also left them an anonymous note telling them that tomato juice was the ingredient necessary for dissolving that peculiar brand of super glue.
Almost on cue, both began to drowsily open their eyes and peer lovingly at each other… only to do a wide eyed double take when they realized that they had visually swapped gender roles. I was especially contented with how much the guy looked like the male version of Marie Antoinette, the powdered face and blushed cheeks doing wonders for his originally gritty complexion. They stared in disbelief at each other before one of them began cracking up with a peal of laughter that spread to their date, their mirth culminating in a heartfelt kiss that just reeked of lovey dovey sappiness. I looked over to my companion to see if she shared this sentiment, only to find her giving the couple a gaze that was suffused with hidden yearning. This set off some subconscious warning bells in my head and perplexed me greatly.
I tapped her on the arm and broke her out of her reverie, motioning with my cranium that we should leave the happy (if not pranked) couple to snog in peace. She reluctantly retreated with me into the shadows, not aware that I concluded for myself that she had some crucial reservations pervading her thoughts. We walked back in utmost silence, something that actually managed to bug me of all people.
“Something on your mind?” I asked, breaking up the quietude.
“Nothing. Just thinking” She brushed me off.
‘So that’s how she’s going be huh?’
“Ah… I thought I smelled smoke” I sardonically responded, taking whatever opening I could get.
“Leave it be” She warned, before furrowing her brow, “It’s stupid anyway”
I wasn’t going to back down, “Now who’s hiding themselves from whom? You can’t expect me to be open about myself if you’re not going to be forthcoming either” I reasoned. I raised a brow at how she was practically stomping her feet in irritation at my persistence.
She groaned before relenting, “Look, I’ll tell you some other time. But not here, and not now” She was all but pleading with me at that point.
I acquiesced to her wishes and remained complacent for the rest of the short walk back to town. Next on our list of places to occupy and people to prank was an outdoor restaurant that served ice cream sandwiches that put them on the town directory with a gold star marked next to it. My plan was relatively plain, there was a short delay between the waiter or waitress receiving the platter of famed desserts and carrying it to the customers that I could use to tamper with the goods.
This would require some judicious timing on my part, since this was one of those places where the overly uptight and rich inhabitants of the town often went for breakfast, lunch, and supper (because rich folks rarely partake in activities so commonplace as ‘dinner’). If I chose a member of those ill humored type of folks as my target, someone was liable to get fired for something they didn’t do, which I could not abide by.
I cased the joint and waited for the right kind of customers to arrive, spotting them in the form of a middle class Agrarian mother and her young daughter sitting down and ordering said dessert. I bid Rainbow to watch me work my magic as we sat in a nearby table sipping our tea and she rolled her eyes at my intentional word choice.
Going full camo, I snuck into the restaurant and into the kitchen where one of the staff had received the order and began making a duo of sandwiched ice cream cookies. When he wasn’t looking, I scooped out the ice cream and noiselessly devoured it before taking out my tube of toothpaste and spreading it on both sandwiches. I also stuck a note attached to a ten bit coin to the underside of the plate, politely asking them not to hold the kitchen staff accountable for my fun. I still made it anonymous because I was in no mood to be held accountable anyway. With my adjustments done, I returned to my chair with no one the wiser.
Nobody suspected a thing as the waiter carried the altered desserts to the merry mother and daughter. They both bit into their treats and the queerest expressions adorned their features for a brief moment before the mother noticed the note beneath her plate and read it. Her smile restored itself and she giggled to herself before explaining to her daughter that they had only become accessories in an elaborate joke. Further placating her confused child was the announcement that she would order another batch of desserts using the coin I had provided for them. I grinned to myself as I observed them across the yard. It’s nice that the lighthearted folks here are so understanding, it makes them easy to manipulate.
My companion had also seemed to have her good spirits restored, and reveled in the same mirth that was now tickling my lungs. This was a desirable turn around from earlier in my opinion. Rainbow looks prettier with a smile, not a scowl. I was tempted to slap myself once I caught myself thinking about her rough yet charming beauty again. Somewhere in the recesses of my bizarre mind, Spectrum Flash was grinning at me as if to say ‘C’mon, don’t be shy. You know you want to…’ which only made me shudder squeamishly.
“Something wrong Zenith? You’re zoning off again” Rainbow spoke up from her seat right across from me, slurping noisily through her straw.
“Nah, it’s just the winter weather getting to me” I lied as I got up. Rainbow was unconvinced, but she let it go.
‘Among other things’ I opined in dismay.
I pressed on with business, “You’re up Dash. Let’s give the flower girls a Sunday they’ll never forget” I said as I downed the rest of my tea and left a generous tip at the table.
We had to circle around town at least twice before we saw them. Though it did give me the opportunity to give a crowded and jittery Davenport a devious two finger valedictory salute as swooning women smothered him in estrogen and relentless questions about what it was like to be such a debonair gent. I upheld a weak perception filter (present company excluded from its influence) on myself just to be on the safe side. I could tell that Rainbow wanted to know what was up with some other man wearing my face and I mouthed the words ‘mid life crisis’, to which she fully understood.
Loki himself must have been smiling on my endeavors, because the three infamous town criers had set up shop beneath an oak tree with thick branches suitable for our scheme. We surreptitiously climbed up the trunk behind them until we were in position with our feet dangling right over their pretty little heads. Before Rainbow fixed the spider to the lure and lowered the line in commencement, I cast a little bit of animation magic onto the plastic figurine so that it crawled realistically for maximum shock factor.
Long story short, Daisy punctually took notice of the creepy crawler scurrying on her shoulder and released a scream so high in pitch that I bet only dogs could hear it before falling over and losing consciousness in full dramatic fashion. Her fellow vendors were completely oblivious to their squirrelly friend’s current state of health and continued their discourse about some girly topic that I couldn’t care less about.
Rainbow was shaking so hard with suppressed laughter that I had to take over the line while she recovered. I waited until there was a lull in the conversation that Roseluck used to stoop down and reach inside her cart for a pair of shears to trim some roses that still retained their thorns, and an atomizer to spritz them with water so they looked extra fresh. While she was distracted with that, I went for something a little more aggressive and swung the sham spider smack dab into the center of Lily’s face. I think I went a bit too far though, because the instant she opened her mouth to shriek, the spider crawled inside and began tap dancing on her tongue. Lily just kind of… shut down after that and stood there with a face frozen in catatonic terror. Even after I reeled the fake spider back in, the petrified woman remained unresponsive to the world.
Since Roseluck was at the forefront of their little gathering, she was well out of range of the fishing rod. However, an idea so wickedly efficacious that you could pin a tail on it and call it a fox, wormed its way into my skull and I just couldn’t resist acting on it. I turned to Rainbow (who’s paroxysms had only gotten worse after what I did to poor Lily) and again motioned for her to stay put. I then hopped out of the tree and walked in a roundabout manner while pretending that I had important business with a special someone.
Roseluck saw my approach and greeted me amicably, “Good morning Mister Zenith! Have you come to buy some flowers from us?” She motioned behind herself to her business partners, both of whom were not fit to mirror the gesture in their rigid poses.
‘That’s odd. I don’t remember telling this girl my moniker’ I noted offhand. She was likely apprised by the native grapevine.
“Not quite” I said as I closed the distance between us, “I came because I needed to express my sincerest gratitude for giving me the directions for Time Turner’s shop that one time”
“Oh that? It’s no biggie. I go there all the time to have my alarm clock reset and calibrated. Plus, we kind of owed you for making a public spectacle of ourselves… again” She giggled and waved a hand dismissively in the air.
What kind of alarm clock needs a professional to reset it? Maybe this girl really is that witless. Which is a shame, because she’d be pretty damn sexy otherwise.
I snatched her delicately soft hand and caressed it affectionately, staggering Roseluck greatly. I leisurely brought our faces close together and took delight in the marvelous tinge of pink that the woman’s cheeks took on. I swore that I could see the leaves of the tree trembling in the peripherals of my vision. Rainbow either found this super funny or was shaking with barely concealed jealously, which is exactly what I was investigating for.
“Oh but you don’t understand just how much that meant to me. I just wanted to give you a token of my affection, as I feel that monetary compensation is just not enough to convey the magnitude of my thanks” I all but purred, milking that seductive curse that this world placed on me for all it was worth.
“A-and… a-and what w-would that be, my g-good sir?” She shakily asked, becoming pure jelly in my arms.
I didn’t answer with words, instead giving her the passionate kiss that I assumed most women fantasized about experiencing, eliciting a squeak of surprise that quickly morphed into a throaty moan of delight. The first thing I heeded about the florist was that her lips had a pungent aftertaste reminiscent of her namesake, which baffled me to no end. Was there a rose flavored mouthwash too? Or did she just decide that chewing on her merchandise sounded like a good idea and went for it?
Either way, my crazy and admittedly impulsive plan seemed to have worked, and I left the stunned woman standing there with a contentedly muzzy smile on her face and a scarlet blush that matched her bright hair. It was a situation that I was glad no one else was near enough to bear witness to, because I imagine that seeing the flower trio in the various states they were in was odd even by Magiville standards.
Then again, Magiville never had someone like me lurking about.
I marched around the dumbstruck woman and past her equally thunderstruck friends, only to discover a fishing rod that had been recently cast aside onto the dirt and a rapidly disappearing but familiar blur on the horizon. I would have face palmed at Rainbow’s overblown reaction if I had the time for it. But as it was, I ditched my safety measures yet again and gave chase. I took flight in full view of everybody (albeit not that many looked up at what was a daily occurrence. And the flyers that were airborne were too busy to pay me any mind) and put the metaphorical pedal to the metal, rocketing towards my objective and putting a large drain on my mana reserves in order to rectify a serious misunderstanding.
Once I felt that I was within hearing range, I shouted, “Now who’s ditching who!?”
Rainbow didn’t answer, instead putting even more effort into her attempt to lose me. I would not be so easily dissuaded and did something that I should have thought of beforehand… which was teleporting right above her and grabbing her.
The double edged sword of an unadulterated teleportation spell was that you kept your momentum into the jump. This meant that if you weren’t careful, something like an airborne teleport could become a recipe for pain. I was about to learn this firsthand, if the growing shape of the surface was any indication. Rainbow’s fierce struggling hampered both of our flying abilities and we were slowly but surely plummeting Earthwards. I did what I could to steer us clear of any buildings and aimed for the tented clearing around Rarity’s home, which had relatively flat ground, before bracing for impact.
And what an impact it was! I grunted as my back took the full brunt of our combined inertial weight and we skidded several feet before coming to a halt. I could tell that the back of my shirt was shredded in places, but my skin remained unbroken, although it did feel the teensiest bit raw from grinding against the sand belt like stones and gravel of the dirt path we slew upon.
‘Why is it that every time I’m in an embrace with this girl, we end up with dreadfully happy landings?’ I mused as I felt each of the individual pebbles digging into my spine.
Rainbow was still as she lay against me, although there was a damp spot on my chest that told me that she was shedding tears.
“Why?” She uttered, her voice teetering somewhere between anger and betrayed hurt.
I knew what she was really asking, but addressed it indirectly, “We couldn’t reach Roseluck with the fishing line remember? So I decided to use some of that sickening charm I seem to have so I could finish off the triad”
She thumped me on the chest. Unlike the previous times, she put a lot more force into it, more on Dee’s level, “That’s not what I meant you idiot! Why did you exploit me like that? You figured out that I have a weakness for intimacy and then took advantage of it by seducing Roseluck in front of me so cruelly like that? You absolute bastard” Her eyes were red and puffy as she glowered at me. My God, did I really harm her that badly? I needed to do some damage control stat!
I played the role of the defensive if not ignorant male, “Let me get this straight. I took advantage of you… by smooching Roseluck? I assure you Rainbow, that kiss wasn’t even remotely platonic. It was just so we could carry out your end of the prank list to completion, and I’d safely say that the flower trio is down and out for rest of the morning. As for this intimacy weakness you mentioned? I had no idea what you’re talking about. Because you didn’t talk about it when I asked you if something was up” I reminded her, without a hint of patronization in my tone. Hypocritical of me I know, but that can’t be helped.
I then injected some mock offense into my voice, “Do you expect me to read your mind, woman? Because that kind of magic is technically illegal even for Trifects like myself” I feigned. My reorganizing of Twilight’s mental folders notwithstanding.
“No, it’s just… Ughh! Why do you have to be so thickheaded!?” She yelled with frustration. Good. Anger winning over sadness is more manageable for me anyhow.
We both got to our feet and I shooed away the concerned passersby by briskly telling them that we were healthy and well. Most of them looked unconvinced by our tussled condition, but backed off anyway. Moreover, I ran a hand along the smooth wooden scabbard of my Tantō and was gladdened to see that it was undamaged from our crash landing. That knife is as much an extension of myself as my magic has become.
I inhaled deeply and corrected a patch of hair that was jostled out of place from the rugged landfall, “Listen, Rainbow. I apologize for whatever wrong I unintentionally committed and I solemnly swear to you that I will never deliberately harm you or your emotions unless my hands are tied on the matter” I placed a hand on my heart, “If I ever do violate that promise, you have my express permission to sock me square in the face. Scout’s hon-”
I was interrupted by Rainbow punching me square in the face, causing me to stumble back and clutch my nose with both hands. They pulled away without any blood, but man did her punch pack a wallop! I quivered to imagine what an angered Agrarian punch would feel like. I would definitely bleed from a direct hit like that.
‘Ow… Okay, I guess I deserved that one’ I wrinkled my nose a couple times to clear up that crunched congestion that accompanies mild blunt trauma to the sniffer.
I saw her rearing back another fist and worked to counteract it, “You only get one freebie!” I pointed warningly at her, readying a stun spell in case she didn’t listen.
She grudgingly lowered her clenched fist, “Apology accepted” She mutedly spoke, before rubbing her arm sheepishly, “I guess I should also apologize for giving off mixed signals about how I feel about romantic stuff and crap. It’s just… it makes me feel so lame” She said with a weary sigh.
I lowered my arms now that there was minimal need to protect myself, “I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to give me an Applejack approved answer” I calmly requested.
I waited until she gave me a hesitant nod, “Do you feel anything towards me that might extend beyond the boundaries of friendship? Because I’ll let you know right now that I am one of the absolute worst people you can establish an amorous connection with” Mostly because I have difficulty dredging love related feelings out of my addled heart to reciprocate with.
She gave me a funny stare before she looked away from me, “I don’t… know. I’m just really confused about how I feel towards you right now, okay?”
“That’s fine Rainbow. We can still be friends either way right? So there’s nothing to worry about” I bypassed the capricious issue and returned my attention to what we were originally doing. Rainbow seemed a little off put by how easily I ignored that which went against her tough girl image, but said nothing in reply.
“And now for the last victim on my list… Rarity” I faced off against the Carousel Boutique like we were in some kind of western duel. How ironic that even when things get out of my control, I still end up where I need to go.
“Last? What about that beer bottle that you bought?” Rainbow said with a significantly less burdened tone, pointing to the pocket I had stuffed it in. How fortunate that wasn’t broken in the crash, or it would look like I had wet myself.
“Oh that? That’s a gag gift for Daring, when next I see her” I explained.
‘Be safe out there babe’ I wordlessly prayed as an afterthought.
“You two really are together, aren’t you?” She neutrally remarked, making it hard to tell whether or not that question was fan girl related or on a more personal note.
“Uh huh. After learning about her deepest and darkest secrets and sharing my own with her, it’s difficult not to be” I absentmindedly spoke, searching for a way in that didn’t involve the front door.
Once I found it, I gave my companion a routine command, “Stay here. I shouldn’t be long” I conspicuously checked my surroundings in case anyone was watching us and found nothing.
“Will do. Yeah… secrets” Dash muttered to herself just above my sensitive hearing threshold as I began to clamber up awkwardly against the smooth tented roof of the garish building in order to get to the second story window.
I tried to pry it open manually only to discover that it was locked. Locked! I finally found somebody who practices some common sense in this crazy country, and it happens to be counteractive to what I’m doing. I love you too Universe, a lot of hugs and kisses from you to my ass. I scanned the lock on the window with magic and found it to be unguarded by any anti magic mechanisms or other discouraging defenses, allowing me to unlatch the glassy portal from the outside in and slip indoors.
I knew the interior of the Boutique well enough by now that it didn’t take me long to come across the luxurious sparkling bathroom that was next to the master bedroom. Rarity’s bathroom was chock full of beauty products, from soaps to shampoos to conditioners whose names I had difficulty pronouncing. It made me wonder how much of her budget was spent on self pampering. Knowing the prissy Fashionista personally… I’d say even more that I could cynically estimate. I pulled out the medium sized flask of avocado green food coloring and compared it to the cellar’s worth of bottles that I could contaminate.
Ehh, it would have to do. I set about pouring small doses into each bottle of shampoo and shook them rigorously until each was mixed properly. I may have started humming the theme to Mission Impossible while I was working, partly because I was feeling pretty sneaky and mostly because I could hear distinct clacking footsteps below informing me that I did not have an infinite time limit. I fully admit that Rarity was my last (and most important) target because of that failed love potion scheme that she tried to use on me back in the capital. Desperation or not, I wouldn’t condone an action like that without some cordial retaliation.
“What are you doing?” I heard a slightly squeaky voice question me aloud. I lethargically twirled in place to face my pint sized interrogator (who was wearing the most fru fru outfit I’ve ever seen).
I stayed frosty, “Hey Sweetie Belle, I’m here to prank your sister” I admitted my intentions fully, to garner some trust that could serve me in this undertaking, “Cute dress by the way” I added, triggering a rather condescending huff of annoyance from her.
“Rarity is making me try on her young ‘ladies in training’ line of outfits and was threatening to prohibit a sleepover at Apple Bloom’s if I refused. Otherwise I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing this type of ensemble” It’s so kawaii to see the tween try to act all grown up while having such a squeaky tonal quality to project herself with.
I raised a finger to my lips in the universal ‘shh’ gesture, “Don’t tell her I’m here, or you’ll spoil the fun”
I unscrewed the caps to her many conditioners and began adding green food coloring to those, as well as keeping an eye on Sweetie in case she felt like squealing. This wasn’t anything permanent (I’m reasonably convinced that Rarity would murder me in cold blood if it was), but the look on Rarity’s face when she gazes into the mirror and beholds her luscious and oh so precious hair looking like something out of a swamp thing comic would be worth preserving for the ages. If only I had a hidden camera to take it with!
She crossed her arms together and gave me an unamused look, “Like you spoiled me and my friends’ fun?” She dryly stated and tilted her immaculately groomed noggin accusingly at me.
I rolled my eyes, “Please. My activity has practically no risk of causing collateral damage to everything within a klick of here” I countered with no small amount of truth. Watching over the Mana Mark Maidens was practically disaster prevention in all but name.
Sweetie took the insult in stride, “Try telling that to Rarity. Everyone in hearing range is going to be deaf once she finds out” She deadpanned. I was more impressed that she knew what a klick was. Then again, she is the dictionary of the three little troublemakers.
‘Her lung power is exactly what I’m counting on too’
“Yeah well, what Rarity doesn’t know… won’t kill me” I said with a devious chuckle, “I’m sure her wonderful little sister can sympathize right?” Pile on the flattery. It works on her older sister, why not her?
“Well… since you asked so nicely” She made a zipping motion across her lips, “I’ll turn a blind eye just this once. Oh, and she’s liable to be showering in about three minutes, give or take… just a friendly heads up” She then began to skip away while humming to the same tune I was just singing moments before.
Was she subtly implying that I owed her a favor? She’s more like her sister than she realizes.
I scribbled a hasty note and stuck it to the door where Rarity could see it after taking her shower. I went the extra mile to write the note using my magic since Rarity had seen enough of my penmanship to be able to trace it back to me (I’m not kidding. Her eye for the smallest of details is just that good) if push came to shove. I bit back a curse as I heard the tell tale taps of low heeled footwear coming down the curved hallway that were most certainly not Sweetie Belle’s.
I was in a bad situation here, my mana reserves had been drained until they reached a point where I wasn’t able to cast a camo spell and maintain it for longer than a dozen seconds at most. The hefty blanket of mental exhaustion that accompanied that also immersed my planning processes in molasses, so I couldn’t think up a sound exit strategy at the top of a hat. Plus, someone with a perspicacious eye like Rarity’s would still be able to pick out my outline against the light and expose me even if I had full reserves to work with.
“Hey sis! I think I accidentally tore the frills running down my left sleeve!” Sweetie’s adowable voice came to my rescue from somewhere at the end of the hallway. I still had a guardian angel watching over me, even if she hardly came up to my waist and would remember this for some time to come. Heh, they both would.
The footsteps of imminent doom stopped just shy of the bathroom door, “Again? Sweetie Belle I told you not to do any kind of strenuous activities while wearing that! It’s a decidedly fragile lace, I’ll have you know” Rarity admonished as she walked back down the hallway, “Let me see it”
I quietly let out the breath I had been holding in and tip toed out of the door and back to the unlocked window. I glanced behind one last time to see Sweetie Belle at the crest of the stairway with an innocent smile on her face as she held out her left arm for her sister to examine. She even winked at me while Rarity was occupied fussing over the damaged ‘Haute Couture’ that Fluttershy was allegedly fond of. I resisted the urge to chortle in amusement before giving her a thumbs up gesture and exiting the Boutique unseen.
I glided down the fabric of the tented roof and landed in a crouched position like a Ninja. Rainbow was sitting in the shade of a tree and looking deep in thought over something. Likely what we had discussed prior to my final prank of the day.
I sat down next to her, “Mission accomplished, now all we gotta do is wait for however long it takes for Rarity to wash up”
My words seemed to break her out of her musing, “Hmmf! We might be waiting here a while then”
“It’ll be worth the price of admission, I can almost guarantee it” I leaned against the bark of the tree and began my epic countdown to Rariscream.
Twenty minutes of not so epic counting later (Women. Why do you take so long!?), our ears were graced by the sweet, succulent screech of a suffering seamstress, causing everybody within a few dozen feet of the Boutique to startle at the sudden noise and turn towards the source of the disturbance. To be fair, her scream only lasted about five seconds before it devolved into a string of incoherent weeping and wailing.
Then came the unchained fury of a scorned woman.
“PINKIE PIE!!!! RAINBOW DASH!!!!” The windows of the Boutique actually rattled from the force of her primal sounding roar.
‘Wow. So that’s what Rarity sounds like when she’s bloodthirsty. Best to steer clear of her for a while’ I thought, impressed by the Dovah like shout.
“I see she finally read my note” I commented with a wry snicker.
“Dude, what the heck!? Now she thinks me and Pinkie did it!” Rainbow complained from next to me.
I shrugged, “Can’t see how she came to that conclusion, I specifically wrote down details absolving you of any involvement”
“And you used our names!? That will only make her more certain of our guilt! What did you even do? That’s the angriest I’ve ever heard her!” She held her hands against her head as panic began to settle into her psyche, blanching her cheeks white as she envisioned horrific scenarios.
I blinked. What would Rainbow have to fear from Rarity? She can cloud walk her way to safety, provided that Rares doesn’t ask Twilight for assistance in casting a cloud walking spell. In which case, flying away very fast is always a good option.
I barked out a short, extremely satisfied laugh, “I defiled that which she loved most dearly. And tell you what. If she comes to you with foam frothing out of her mouth from sheer rage, you merely mention that Blissful Bounty may have been trying to help a sister out, but her assistance causes you gut wrenching pains like you would not believe. She’ll get what you’re trying to say”
‘And then proceed to tear my throat out in gory fashion’ I morbidly thought in addition.
“What?” Rainbow stared at me blankly.
I wagged a dismissive hand “It’s not a story you need to hear. Let’s just say that my week in Concordia was interesting and leave it at that”
I saw Rarity (with disgustingly green hair) fling open her window in search of her quarry. There was a fire burning in her eyes that poets could write whole sonnets about and wise men would flee very quickly away from… and I identified more with the latter. Without asking for permission, I grabbed Rainbow by the forearm and pulled her against me, putting the wide-ish body of the tree trunk between Rarity’s scathing glare and ourselves. Rainbow fidgeted frantically until she realized what I was doing and calmed down. Though I could tell that she was well outside of her comfort zone because she was a stiff as a plank of wood in my grip.
The sound of a door being slammed open shattered the silence, “I know that one or both of you two abhorrent pranksters is out here! Show yourself right now and explain to me why you ruined my beloved curls with green colored dye of all things! GREEN!” Rarity demanded as she trudged outside in a white bathrobe with shower clogs and her hair wetted down, which up close was an ugly shade of green that looked more like fresh baby barf than avocado green.
I withdrew my skewed vision from peeking around the tree as she searched high and low for us. Her voice was dangerously close by as she checked every nook and cranny and drew ever nearer to our hiding spot. I’d have to do something smart lest we be discovered and have the seamstress rip us a new one.
I spoke in a whisper to the taut athlete who was doing her best not to pull away from me and get ensnared by Rarity’s magic the instant she was spotted, “I’ll distract her since she doesn’t suspect me of anything. You use that to make a clean getaway, got it?" She nodded against my torso, “Good”
I let go of her and climbed a tree for a second occasion, finding a nice wide branch to lay against while fake snoring in an obnoxiously loud manner. I also rustled the tree leaves in case I wasn’t noticeable enough.
“Aha!” A sensation unlike anything I’ve felt so far encompassed me in its prickly, pins and needles field and yanked me out of my roosting niche. I half pretended to yelp like someone who had been rudely awakened and fell out of bed shortly afterwards.
Rarity’s voice was smug at first, “I have you now… Zenith?” She said, thrown for a loop by my unexpected presence near her residence.
“That’s me, don’t wear the name out” I groaned as I rubbed my head in legitimate pain since my impact against the Earth was not cushioned in the slightest. I was also misfortunate enough to have struck my thick skull against one of the protruding roots of the tree, specifically on a vile part that sported a round nub.
“What in the world were you doing up there, darling?” Rarity’s voice reverted back to its soft, honeyed warmth.
“Well I was napping. Until somebody saw fit to put an end to that” I whined miserably as I got to my feet and brushed the dust away.
“You were napping in the branches of a filthy tree? That’s positively ludicrous my dear!” She exclaimed, finding the notion to be very much uncouth.
“Hey, don’t knock it ‘till you try it! Though I’d advise bringing a pillow… and lots of insecticide” Those unassuming trees aren’t as free of pests as you might think.
“I think I’ll pass on the idea altogether, though you and a certain prankster seem to have that in com-” She suddenly shrieked and pointed at me, making me momentarily think that Rainbow’s cover was blown.
“Whatever happened to your shirt? It’s absolutely torn to pieces on the backside!” She expressed, her seamstress instincts taking precedence as she scrutinized me up close.
Oh right. I’d quite forgotten about that.
“I performed a risky move during my flying today and paid a small price for it. Luckily, I’m physical unharmed from the incident” I effortlessly bent the truth in a way that would make Applejack’s eyelids twitch violently if she was here.
“Oh, no no no! This simply cannot go unresolved. I insist that you allow me to do repair work on it posthaste, my dear. And don’t fret over my request in the least! My boorish schedule is horrifically devoid of anything of interest as of late and I need something to keep these restless hands of mine occupied”
She then fixed me with a sultry gaze, “Unless… you feel like offering something else to keep me occupied, alternatively?” She said suggestively.
Damn, Rares! I know I ultimately gave you a chance to get with me, but calm your beating heart!
I left her without a straight answer as I stripped off my shirt and handed it to her, “Thank you for being considerate of others as always, my most benevolent lady. And I feel it prudent to call to attention the fact that your lavish hair is looking quite verdant today” This conversation had served its purpose anyway.
Her eyes went wide and she gasped loudly as I reminded her of the exhibit sitting on her head that was glaringly obvious to anyone with functioning eyes, “NO! Don’t look at it! I’m absolutely hideous-s-s” She ululated and sobbed with a hiccup.
Her emotional display aggravated the public observance of herself even worse as folks began to talk amongst themselves and gesticulated our way. Although taking my shirt off seemed to turn down some of the heat on the Element of Generosity. I closed my eyes shut in vexation. Why was I not surprised to know that?
I comforted the distraught woman and escorted her inside before taking my leave of both her and her property. As I was now shirtless, I decided that now was a good time to return to my sanctuary in the sky for a change of clothes. I wasted no time with walking somewhere people couldn’t see me spread my wings, since I had broken my rule enough times already that it was rendered largely irrelevant. Feeling the rush of cool wind against my chest was oddly relaxing though, and I’d only caused three people to stall in their flights as I passed them by.
I arrived at my airborne abode and progressed beyond its unlocked entrance and into the majestic foyer that I had mixed opinions about. Besides installing a lock of my own or barring it with magical wards, my doors would symbolically be open to anybody with the means to get themselves off the ground. I smirked as I reminded myself that very fact was part of the reason why I had it shipped so far out of anyone’s way. I ran up the stairs and into the guest room where I had stashed my things before stowing my gag gift for Daring in the adventure pack, undressing my beat up pants, showering off the dirt and grime from earlier, before finally donning the assassin-esque robes that Rarity had painstakingly handcrafted for me a second time.
I appraised myself in the mirror, satisfied with the aura of dangerous capability that I gave off while wearing this outfit. To enhance this look beyond the superficial charm, I equipped both of Plain Sight’s hidden blade vambraces and sheathed the fragments of Dichotomy into the folds of the lower robe tassels, along with the hilt of the blade attached to the belt for the easiest unrestricted access. I found myself wishing that I also had some flexible armor that I could strap on to shield my vital regions, but I neither possessed the parts, nor did I want people to think I was on the warpath. I would most likely receive some custom fitted armor when the Princesses call on me to do their bidding anyway.
My ruminations were broken into by the sound of a fist knocking against smooth stone coming from below. I gave my reflection one last look see in the mirror before resolving to attend to my latest guest. Lo and behold, I found Rainbow leaning against the doorway much like the last time. Only she chose the opposite door this time, as if variation in positioning would make the action less redundant. I didn’t really care either way.
“That was some pretty good interference work you did for me back there. Rarity might have exposed us together otherwise. Nice outfit by the way. Very robust looking threads” She complimented, her arms folded against her windbreaker jacket.
I shook my head, “Thanks. It’s actually not hard to distract her if you know how to play her own quirks against her. One look at my damaged clothing and all anger was immediately substituted with concern. The final step was to remind her that her hair was green and that people, many of them constituents no doubt, were staring at us. All I had to do to defuse her need for revenge was to replace it with a need for privacy” I expounded, demonstrating that I had enough of a grip on the fashionista’s personality that I could take advantage of her weaknesses if I needed to.
“Congrats, you can talk your way out of hairy situations” She sarcastically remarked. I winced, that pun was in very poor taste.
“That was a terrible pun and you should feel bad for uttering it in this sacred place so brazenly” I genuinely admonished her as I walked down the steps, “What brings you by anyway? I thought we were done pranking people for the day”
She looked a little offended, “So? That doesn’t mean we can’t hang out longer than that, but I do have to support Pinkie during this afternoon’s bake sale at Sugarcube Corner” She said, reminding me of my time limit of a couple hours.
“Funny… so do I” I drolly said, “I guess I could take some time out my schedule to devote to you” I made it seem like I was doing a selfless deed just to rack up the friendship points. In fact, I’m going to make a metaphysical meter that fills up whenever I do the opposite of what my asocial mind tells me to.
Rainbow rolled her eyes, “How kind of you. But can we do it at my place? You still need to proof read my story for me” She amicably requested. My deliberation on what course of action to follow didn’t take long. I haven’t gotten the chance to tour her home yet, why not?
“Sure, sure. Lead the way” I motioned for her to take the metaphorical reins. Let’s see what sort of train wreck of a narrative an amateur author like Dash can come up with.
We flew at Rainbow’s usual breakneck speeds until we reached the field over which her citadel-tower style cloud house floated. Streams of spectrum colored fluid fell like waterfalls from inlets in the structure, pouring Earthward in long jets of separate hues. Pond sized accumulations of the spectral liquid pooled up in troughs and made me wonder offhand what going for a swim in them would be like. Her house’s front patio was a fair deal larger than mine (not that I was jealous!) and had a winding path leading to the entrance. On the flipside, her front landing made up the majority of the structure’s mass, with only a fraction of it being dedicated to living quarters.
We touched down on the springy material lining the walkway and made for the doors. I couldn’t help but point out the monument to Rainbow Dash’s pride that was hanging over the entrance like some kind of advertisement board.
“I didn’t know Cloud Homes Incorporated did custom work, how else could you get a simulacrum of your Mana mark made in that size?” I tilted my head to the side as my eyes followed the curl of the rainbow’s comet like tail.
Rainbow bristled in offense to what I was implying, “Hey! Just because my dad is the company’s foreman doesn’t mean I get preferential treatment. That…” She gestured to her symbol, “…was a commission from a local woodworker’s business. Though the owner, Wood Chuck, did give me a nice discount as congratulations for being assigned as the local weather manager when I first moved here from Stratopolis” She admitted as she pushed open her doors and welcomed me in. I noted with faint amusement that her doors were as equally unlocked as mine.
‘I’ll bet Celestia pulled a few strings for that’ I cynically opined. Just because the Princess was becoming more open to me (or was that a clever ploy too?), didn’t mean that I fully approved of her methods.
The interior of Dash’s place was similar in construction to mine, with the minute difference being that her house lacked a classy foyer. Everything from the tile flooring to the marble support columns to the bowl shaped ceiling lamps were mostly the same though. I absently noticed that she had a clothing rack that had a white uniform and hard hat helmet that were just like the one’s we had to wear when we were exploring the weather factory. Because Rainbow’s residence was cylindrical shaped, the rooms themselves weren’t spacious. The view outside the window arches of the surrounding fields and forests was pretty though, not as breathtaking as mine, but I am the slightest bit biased in my favor.
The entryway slash living room was sparsely furnished, with only a velvet recliner sitting next to the windows being the only spot to plant my keister.
“Make yourself at home, I’ve got to grab some things and feed my pet tortoise, Tank” Rainbow politely proffered, before disappearing upstairs to do just that.
That reminds me, ‘Note to self, draw up tank designs in case they ever need to be mass produced. Wait… why would he be called Tank if battle tanks don’t exist here!?’ I grunted and massaged my temples as the pain settled in. The headache just wasn’t worth it.
I continued my evaluation of the room I was occupying, finding it to be less Spartan than I had initially presumed based on first glance. There was a featureless bust next to the half spiral stairwell that had some kind of winged crown that I recognized as being the prize for the Best Young Flyer contest that must have happened long enough ago that dust had begun to build up on the fringes of the faded gold metallic headwear. Next to the bust was a closet filled with clothes and… was that an old fashioned projector? I pushed past the wearable contents and analyzed the device that was sitting next to a pile of disk shaped silhouettes. Sure enough, it was an old fashioned projector machine that had two spokes in the top for setting the film reels. Old fashion may not have been an accurate description though, because there was no plug for powering the device anywhere on the body. After some more searching, I found an outlet cover that contained a brightly shining crystal inside, proving my hunch correct about it being powered by magical means.
Crystal mana batteries were interesting contrivances from what little I’ve read. Small scale ones can be set to draw in energy from the ambient magic saturating the background so that they never needed to be replaced, which made me theorize that my laptop and other undying electronic devices did the same. Large scale versions had to be charged directly, either manually by a Stellar Mage who specialized in gem related magic spells, or through special tools that allowed non magi to harness magic energy and shunt it into the crystal directly.
If I had to take a guess, I’d say that the flying V guitar and amp next to the recliner were powered by something similar. I so desperately wanted to call it Magi-Tech, but it wasn’t quite up to snuff with my standards for such a designation. I grabbed the loudly vibrant guitar and switched on the amp, which crackled for a moment before somehow wirelessly syncing to the instrument. The plastic plectrum was stuffed between the top E and A strings (I myself like to place mine into a nook inside of the headstock).
I sat down on the recliner and recalled the intro to a Breaking Benjamin song called So Cold that I had skipped when I was showing off my memorized music collection to Lyra (for obvious reasons, I should think). I praised the muscle memory spell once more for gifting me with trivial skills that I could use to fluently entertain at large gatherings as I experimentally plucked at the strings. Rainbow must not have used her guitar very often, because all of her strings were out of tune and had to be readjusted by ear. I also had to reorient myself mentally to the slimmer fret board of an electric guitar, which also had thinner strings overall that bugged me on a deeper level.
Once I had gotten over most of the malaise that accompanied the switch from an acoustic to an electric guitar, I began to perform the beginning to So Cold in earnest. I liked the amount of emotion that one could put into playing this song, which made for a great stress reliever since I did currently not possess the privacy and open aired space that the Shadow Opponent spell required. I didn’t sing, because the instrumental sound of this song spoke for itself.
A familiar feminine and raspy voice interrupted me somewhere in the mostly quiet lull between verse and chorus, “I know I told you to make yourself at home, but did you really have to rub your grubby hands all over my guitar?” Rainbow spoke up as she carried down a thick book lined with loosely shuffled papers and a pencil.
I strummed a chord for a final time before turning off the amp and putting the guitar back where I found it, muttering about how she ruined a perfectly good solo, “Yes, I felt this inexplicable need to rock out and not acting on it was out of the question. Forgive me if I appropriated your belongings to meet that need” I explained irritably.
“No, it’s cool! It’s been sitting there doing nothing but look pretty for weeks anyway. If it makes you feel any better, you have a lot more skill with that thing than I do and actually looked like you were into it. You should consider asking the Princess if she can get you on stage for the opening ceremony of the Arcanian athletic games” She mentioned with an indiscernible glint in her eyes. The measured way she suggested it made it appear as if she had an ulterior reason for doing so.
I leveled her with a skeptical gaze, “Wouldn’t that be showing preferential treatment if she granted me such a request? Just because I know Celestia on a first name basis doesn’t mean I should be asking favors like that” The old boy network never did sit right with me.
Rainbow seemed strangely adamant about this though, “No way! If you’ve got the talent and the connections, then you should make the most of them. Magiville needs more representation than just our sports team and flag bearers” She sat down next to me and scooted closer, “Although… if you do get to perform in the opening or half way concerts, can you use my guitar for it? Please?” She begged, her pupils gaining a maddeningly vulnerable gleam that made them hard to turn down.
I hemmed and hawed in insincere indecision for a half minute just to make Rainbow squirm from the anticipation, “Meh, why not…” I agreed with absolutely no enthusiasm whatsoever.
Her shoulders visibly slumped at my torpid answer, “How is it that you can drain the joy out of even the most special occasions by being you? How do you expect to seize the spotlight and show everyone what you’re made of if you lack the zest!?”
I snorted, “Simple. By just doing so” I elucidated further when I saw that my words did not compute, “That’s one of the key differences between you and I, Dash. You thrive off of positive public opinion of yourself, while I’m indifferent to all general opinions formed about myself, be they good or ill. But I won’t let that stop me from functioning”
She stared blankly at me for a full minute, “You are one of the most mystifying people I have ever met… and I know Pinkie Pie” She finally said, using the energetic Baker as a benchmark for oddness.
“So I am! But are we not here to talk about your work and not myself?” I sarcastically interjected, holding out my open hand for Rainbow to show me her written novel in progress.
A nonplussed moue adorned her face as she slapped the notebook into one hand for reviewing and the pencil in the other for my annotating pleasure. It didn’t take me long to read Rainbow’s entire provisional novel, since I was naturally a speed reader that devoured the written word like an insatiable hippo. Speaking of speed, her penmanship had a sloppy slope to it that indicated that she jotted down whatever idea sounded the coolest as soon as it lit a light bulb above her skull. I couldn’t really fault her for that though, since my handwriting wasn’t flawless by any means either.
The storyline itself wasn’t terrible, and the characters within (other than her blindingly obvious authorial avatar) had distinct personalities and ideals that set them apart from each other. I did make a note telling her to tone down on the off hand tangents if she wasn’t going to tie them back into the main plotline. The outer story was about how, ugh… Danger Iris Dash joins an elite flight academy for up and coming professional aerialists. She actually took some of my advice to heart and made her a not perfect flyer that had to learn the tricks of the trade necessary to excel, and possessed a temper that put her studentship in jeopardy more often than not. I could tell that Rainbow had injected some of what she learned in flight school into the lessons, although she made them more exciting in the fact that they were trials by fire. Cadet Dash either got it right on the first try, or ‘had her wings clipped’ and got expelled from the austere academy.
Also amusing was the fact that Danger Dash made friends with five other Skyborn cadets who were suspiciously similar to Rainbow’s genuine cadre of pals in terms of personality, the only major difference was that they evenly shared her love of flying, lazing, and pranks (The blonde one named Surprise especially so). I approved of how well she set up the inner story in that Danger Dash began to have doubts about her abilities after accidentally getting one of her friends injured during a routine sweep exercise. There were even hints of a school wide conspiracy in the background that only compounded matters further. On another note, I underlined-starred the inclusion of a catch phrase for a rival character named ‘Lightning Flash’ that borrowed heavily from the introduction of a similarly named character created by Pixar.
While much of the story contained praiseworthy elements, there were some blunders as well. For instance, Danger Dash had an uncanny sense of intuition that allowed her to commandeer most of the plotline while casting most of her friends into relative obscurity in comparison. It would be okay if the story perspective was first person, but Rainbow leaned towards a close up third person point of view. The main antagonists who liked to play mind games in the shadows don’t reveal themselves until most of the tension in the storyline had passed. The reader is then tricked into thinking that the climax had not happened yet when Danger Dash gradually uncovers a plot by ‘the higher ups’ to instate a countrywide eugenics program by rigging the tests at the acclaimed school so that ninety percent of attendants washed out and using those statistics to begin a wave of policy changes regarding the ‘natural stock’ of the country’s citizens, particularly the foreign born students with various ‘undesirable’ traits. It was mildly shocking to discover that brand of fascist racism existed here and reminded me heavily of darker historical themes from back home. I was unsure how to feel about that, and that Rainbow would even want to write something along those lines.
Rainbow herself had gotten bored by the two minute mark and my refusal to say anything about her work until I was done reviewing the whole piece only aggravated her more. She pulled out the projector that I was so enthralled with earlier and was watching old recordings of Wonderbolt rallies and airshows that were distortedly portrayed against the curvature of a blank wall. I was quietly dumbfounded by how the projector even had speakers to emanate sound, which made them much more advanced than I gave them credit for. I let out a shrill whistle once I was done to let her know that I was finished.
Rainbow shut off the projector and put it aside, “Well what do you think?” She asked with an undertone of self aware nervousness.
“Like any story in its early stages, it has its shining moments and parts that need revision. There was one thing that I wanted to ask about, though”
“Yeah?”
“Why did you feminize me?” At her blank expression I rephrased my inquiry, “There’s this unnamed character that you introduce somewhere in the middle arc who keeps a cool head in tense situations and cracks tawdry jokes at inappropriate times, but is also extremely phlegmatic and doesn’t hesitate to do what she thinks needs to be done” Pretty close analogue to myself, all things considered. Albeit, my jokes aren’t tawdry. But they are snarky.
Rainbow was sheepish to say the least as she rubbed at her prominent neck length hair, “Heh, I didn’t think you would notice that. I made a female version of you because I felt it was somehow easier to relate with. But I guess that I was just having trouble thinking up a name for her that mirrored yours, and ‘The American’ is already taken” She jested with a light titter.
“The opposite of my designation is technically Nadir. But if you’re searching for a name that mirrors mine, you should go with Zion” I recommended as I closed the now marked book shut.
Don’t ask me why I already had a name ready when Femcord offered me a ‘sex’ change, I tend to overthink even the most improbable of circumstances. It’s probably a huge reason why I can simply overlook how Pinkie regularly defies the rules governing natural and magical phenomena.
Her crooked her neck, “Zion? What kind of name is that? And how do you already have a name in mind for girl you? Have you been fantasizing about what it’s like from a girl’s perspective? I’ll bet Twilight has a spell that can let you do that” She smirked deviously at me, causing me to narrow my eyes at her.
Trying to get a rise out of me I see. I’ll admit that she got uncomfortably close with that jab.
‘One that isn’t a noun, adjective, verb, adverb or other syntactical device…’ Is what I wanted to say at first, but Rainbow didn’t strike me as being the most grammatically astute person, so I resorted to using an answer that she would understand.
“A damn good one, that’s what. And I’m quite attached to my equipment, thank you very much” I stiffly corrected, “Other than that, your story isn’t what I was expecting… which is mostly a good thing. I think you just might have what it takes to be a decent storyteller, Rainbow”
“Yay… I’d hate to have disappointed the prodigious and wise Zenith” She mockingly droned, wiggling her hands in the air for dramatic flair. The wry smile on her face betrayed how she really felt about my verdict though.
I grinned and stroked an imaginary beard, “You still have much to learn in the ways of sarcasm, young grasshopper” I said in my nearest approximation of the sensei voice.
The rest of my time at Rainbow’s was spent seeing the rest of her home and pretending to be in awe at all the cool Wonderbolt memorabilia that she had compiled over the years, including a trainee flight suit that she proudly displayed on a mannequin that she borrowed from Rarity’s. I got to meet Tank and marvel at the miniscule magical device strapped to his back that essentially turned him into a helicopter with a shell. Tank might have been the only other pet I’ve seen in these parts that could possibly beat Gummy in a staring contest (not that I would ever want to be the judge at such a competition). The rest of the house was just as sparsely furnished as it was downstairs, although Rainbow made it clear that she never stayed indoors long enough to care.
I was tempted to bring up the topic of her ambivalence regarding physical togetherness whenever things got tediously boring. Heck, I even wanted to ask if she knew that her estranged friend Gilda was Royalty. But both were themes that would instantly end the genial atmosphere we had built up. Therefore I kept my mouth shut as Rainbow continued to show and tell every little thing she deemed cool (which was practically the whole lot).
We eventually found ourselves soaking our feet in one the rainbow pools on a balcony overlooking the incredible scenery below (I had to remove my boots and hold the fringes of my robe to the side to keep them from getting stained). There must have been some kind of magical properties in the spectral fluid because it soothed the soles of my fleshy shoes like nothing I had ever experienced before. Even my depleted mana reserves were feeling somewhat reinvigorated after five minutes in contact with the stuff!
Rainbow herself assaulted me with a line of questioning pertaining to my background and the values that were instilled in me over the course of my life. Being the Element of Loyalty meant that she wanted to know more about the person she was establishing a friendship with beyond what she could tell in person. I was resistant at first but started to give in once she made it a fair trade by telling me about how her dad had taught her to pursue her goals with all she had and more, never giving up if she could help it.
I reciprocated and related to her how I came from a family that valued their faith above all things, and used that as a basis for imprinting moral principles upon me. Even as I grew older and began to question the weight of some of these morals, I tested them in all the conceivable ways I knew how and found them to be tempered from the heat of the trials. I also admitted to her that despite this, I often strayed away from my teachings and paid the price for it somewhere down the line.
Rainbow managed to intrigue me by divulging that she too believed in an unseen higher power watching over everyone and every single thing. When I asked her what event helped her make that conclusion for herself, she told me about how she surveyed the beauty of the Earth below as she soared in the skies above on a daily occurrence. ‘Nothing so mind blowingly radical could be the result of random chance, there’s gotta be some big cheese calling the shots from somewhere to make sure that we don’t screw it up’ was her reasoning, which made me chuckle as I envisioned it.
“You’re a special girl, Rainbow Dash. There’s no denying that” I remarked as I made small ripples in the pool with my feet.
Oddly enough, Rainbow was bashful at my sincere words, “You’re just saying that. Despite my efforts to impress everyone, I’m not all that exceptional beyond a few fancy tricks in the air and dizzying speed on a straightaway. My friends are much more well rounded in everything else… if you ask me”
I found meekness unbecoming of the athlete. She should leave that to her long time friend Fluttershy.
Her unexpected humility did not dissuade me, “Nonsense! You are as profound as the story in which your namesake is central”
She seemed interested in the point I was attempting to make, “What story is that?”
I thought about how I should phrase this without giving away too much, “Back where I’m from, we have a big book of stories explaining the history of our people and how we should strive to live our lives based upon the message each story conveys. The one I’m about to tell you is one of the very first and perhaps the most calamitous in scope. It talks about how in the early stages of the world’s development, people were so selfish and mind numbingly sinful that their creator felt it prudent to simply wipe them out with a great purge and start over. However, not everyone committed themselves to evil acts on a regular basis, for among them was a humble and righteous man who along with his family still honored the ways of good”
Rainbow interjected her opinion, “Wait… I can understand that these people were bad, but to wipe them all out? Couldn’t they be redeemed through the values of Friendship and Harmony like us?” She reasoned, unwilling to see an utterly evil person as just that. I couldn’t really hold that naiveté against her, for I once felt much the same.
“If what the story says is true… then these people were so far gone that their every waking thought was destructive to both the world and themselves. They were considered to be irredeemably corrupt by their God, and a truly all powerful being is never wrong in passing judgment” Rainbow didn’t appear to like this answer, but accepted it for the sake of listening.
“The Lord informs the righteous man named Noah, that the land is to be cleansed by a great flood that would wash away the filth that his inequitable neighbors had built up over their existence. He also instructs him to prepare for this event by building a massive boat, or Ark, to house two of every animal; one male and one female, along with their provisions for what would undoubtedly be an arduous interlude”
Dash chuckled, “Fluttershy could have definitely helped them with that task. And then what happened?” She wanted to know more.
I ceased eye contact and gazed skyward, “It rained. For forty days and forty nights, a downpour unlike anything ever witnessed came down from the Heavens, until the waters rose high above even the loftiest mountaintops. And every living thing save for those sheltered inside of the Ark, perished. The land remained submerged for a further one hundred and fifty days. After this period, the Lord pulled the figurative plug and forced the waters to recede and subside until the Ark found itself nestled on a mountain. Noah sent out birds to determine whether or not the land had dried up enough for his family to leave the boat (which likely stunk to the High Heavens at that point). After the third attempt, a dove that he sent out didn’t return, and he knew that the land was no longer underwater. The Lord then gave Noah the go ahead to vacate the Ark with his family and every animal that he had brought with him”
“And everything was good right? But what does that have to do with what you said?” Despite her impatience, I could tell that she was enraptured in the tale.
I held up a hand, “I’m almost there. When all was said and done, and mankind was given a chance to begin anew, the Lord presented Noah and his family with a very special symbol. It was a sign that represented his loyalty to stand by his Covenant; or promise, to never again inundate his creation with the intent of erasing it”
I took my sight off the fountain of colors that poured forth from Dash’s cloud home and looked at her, “Can you guess what that symbol was?”
She leaned closer, “Tell me” She breathed, knowing the obvious answer, but wanting me to declare it aloud for her.
I peered into those lovely magenta irises of hers, “It was a beautiful rainbow, set in the clouds in all of its glorious splendor” I said as I drew the story to a close, breaking away from the intimate proximity between Rainbow and myself, “I believe it’s almost time for that bake sale, don’t you think?” I said, nodding towards a clock to our rear that indicated that we only had three minutes to make it to Sugarcube Corner before the kick off of the sale and the Princess’s dual purposed arrival.
“Oh, Celestia! You’re right!” She exclaimed, before tossing me a towel that she had stored in a nearby cabinet for wiping my Technicolor feet with and doing the same for herself, “C’mon, we don’t want to be late or Pinkie will have both our hides!” She hissed while I sat there amused by the anxious haste by which she conducted herself.
We dried off and put on our shoes in short order before racing back to town to where the famous confectionary was located. I drew the beaked hood over my face and enshrouded it in shadow to conceal my identity. This allowed for unrestricted flight all the way to our destination, which had a line out the door as people waited for a chance to purchase some sugary goodies. Rainbow whistled for my attention and pointed to an open window in Pinkie’s loft room. I surmised that she wanted to skip the lines and get straight to offering Pinkie and the Cakes whatever support they needed for the crowded affair. I gave her the O.K. hand signal and we squeezed inside before making our way downstairs where the sounds of ongoing commotion could be heard.
“Got two more orders of cookie dough chocolate steak and a side of candy bar fries hon!” The harried voice of Carrot Cake spoke up over the chatter.
“At this rate we’re going to have to make more of this candied barbeque! Did Zenith give you the recipe for them?” Cup Cake inquired of her life partner.
“Afraid not dearest. He didn’t even tell Pinkie how to craft them” Carrot Cake replied morosely.
I felt Dash elbow me as she listened in on the same verbal exchange, “Dude, you never told me that you were a baker!” She whispered.
“I’m not! I was just replicating the creations of some cooking celebrities back home” I murmured back, I didn’t predict that the fruits of my labor would be in such outrageously high demand.
I spied Pinkie wearing a candy cane striped diner’s outfit while tending to the customers who sat down in the booths to order their treats. She skillfully juked and zig zagged her way around patrons who were filling up what little room there was on the floor as she carried two trays piled tall with both her cupcakes and my homage to American summer food. I slinked past the thick mass of customers on the storefront deck while furtively eavesdropping on random comments and conversations with their kith.
“These fake hot dogs are delicious, and they look so close to the real thing too!” One girl said as she evaluated the false frankfurter at eye level.
“Mmm… candy burger makes belly happy” One guy absently complimented before suppressing a belch that repulsed some neighboring females.
“Hey, did you see that one guy whose welcome party we attended a few weeks ago flying? I thought he was a Mage?” Uh oh… I couldn’t get away from my carelessness scot free after all.
“Nah, you were just seeing things Orchid. That would mean he was a Trifect! And everybody knows that there are only three in the Royal Family, all of them women” What a matriarchal argument that she made.
“Yeah… I guess you’re right” Miss Orchid conceded after a beat.
Well at least it played in my favor.
With my previous worries come and gone, I intercepted Pinkie before she went back to the kitchen for another batch of desserts, “Hey Pinks, I’m back for the bake sale. I take it that my candy barbeque idea was well received?”
She snorted and flapped a hand at me, “Silly Zenith! Well received is an understatement. This is the biggest, most populariest bake sale we’ve had since the time I made cupcakes with an ambrosia filled center!” She leaned towards me and looked both ways in case someone was watching us before speaking in a low conspiratorial voice, “That’s alcohol”
I smirked at this revelation. T’would be surprising if it weren’t so funny imagining people getting a good buzz from something so seemingly innocent as a cupcake.
“Cool beans. Anything you need me to help out with?” I politely offered, despite how this place was set profit wise, thanks in large part to my whimsical fancy.
“That’s so nice of you to offer! You could teach me and the Cakes how to make more of these treats! They’ve even decided to make them a permanent addition to our inventory, isn’t that splenderific?”
“Sure thing, Pinks” I revealed to her the method for reproducing the candied delights, jokingly insisting that shudder shades and a hat with a handle were crucial to the baking process. She pulled a fountain pen and notepad out of her unfathomable hair and wrote down everything I said verbatim.
After disclosing the not so complex tricks of the trade, she bade me to mingle with the people so she could talk to ‘Dashie’. I sighed hopelessly as I found myself in another situation where people expected me to socialize when I really couldn’t be bothered to care.
But there are exceptions to every rule, and I made mine as soon as I felt Lyra sneakily ambush me with a hug while I was sidling along an unoccupied wall with the smallest concentration of people.
I started for a moment before realizing that it was just the lyrist and returned the affectionate gesture, “Hey Golden Eyes. How’d you know it was me?”
“There’s only one other guy living in this town that towers over everybody like you do, and he doesn’t dress with as much… sophistication, as you” She gave a muffled answered as she smothered her face against my right arm.
“Oh… I guess you’re right” I said dumbly, “So how was Concordia?” I cut right to the chase as she ceased physical contact.
She sucked in air through her teeth, “It… went very well, actually. There were a couple road bumps at the beginning, what with my parents not recognizing me at first. But as soon as I removed all the junk that they barricaded my old room with and wiped the dust off of a family picture to show to them, it was like a switch was flicked and they could deny that they had a daughter no longer” She beamed at me, her eyes sparkling with unspoken gratitude for giving her a second chance.
“That’s wonderful Lyra!” I spoke genuinely, not feeling even the teensiest bit jealous that she could speak with her family while I could not, “Did you spend much time with them? I imagine that you’d have a lot to catch up on after such a long absence”
She nodded and clapped her hands together excitedly, “M’hmm. It got even better too! The longer I remained, the more they began to remember about me. From all the musical plays they took me to when I was a little girl, to the day that they gave me my Lyre and told me to be the best I could be, and to inspire that greatness in others!” I grinned as she relayed this good news to me. This girl’s ardor could rival Pinkie’s at the moment.
She then elbowed me and sent me a saucy expression, “I was also able to hear all about that fashion show gig that I could tell Rarity pressganged you into. People simply wouldn’t shut up about how you took all the accepted codes of behavior for male models and just tore them up in front of everyone… and most of them loved you for it” Heh, the others likely saw me as an uncouth ruffian with no respect for tradition.
That wasn’t a gig I’d be doing again anytime soon. I was indifferent with the adulation from afar, but the loss of privacy pissed me off, plain and simple.
“The only reason I did that was because I couldn’t groove to the snooze worthy music that they provided Neon with. So I swapped the tracks with my own and claimed the walkway for myself” I explained. Though that’s not to say that the other guys didn’t get with the program and have some fun themselves.
She giggled, “Such a rebel. But I’d expect nothing less from my Snark Knight” She adjusted her melodious voice to match the ‘prim and proper lady of the castle’ accent.
I placed a hand on my chest and bowed slightly, “Ever at your service” To complete the act, I took her hand in mine and laid a tender kiss on her knuckles, eliciting a light blush out of the flustered woman.
“A-are all extraterrestrials as extravagant in their actions as you?” She asked as she fanned her face with her free hand.
“Only the cool ones” I smirked rakishly as I caressed her fingers with a thumb, returning her appendage once I had my fun making her melt under my ministrations.
“Your people must have a strange definition of cool then” She quipped back good naturedly, “Listen. I have something on my mind that I’ve been meaning to ask of you for a while now” Her reddened state did not diminish. If anything, it burned hotter.
“Speak your mind”
My voice seemed to have a calming effect on her and she took a deep breath to compose herself before making her appeal, “Would you mind if I bought you a drink at the local watering hole sometime?”
I blinked and was silent for a few seconds. Was Lyra attempting to court me?
She took my faint hesitance for rejection, “Oh I didn’t me-!” I laid a finger on her velvety lips so I could speak.
I smiled to her, “I accept. Though I must warn you, alcohol has little to no visible effect on me” I notified her. The hazy pink hallucinations the other day notwithstanding.
I should have seen something like this coming beforehand, but I honestly did not expect Lyra to seek a more than platonic relationship with a distant person like me. I could have gently turned her down, but I was physically incapable of doing so. Not without my own heart railing against me. To truly understand someone… is to love them. And from my brief stay in the interior of her very being, I got a clearer picture of her than anyone who has ever known her ever did. I saw her life through her eyes. I shared in her triumphs, her struggles, her heartaches… everything. I experienced every embittered emotion that coursed through her blood and burned like fire during the duration of her ‘exile’. Yet like a stubborn tree that would not bend to gale force winds, she endured her trial and turned bitter into bittersweet. I am of the mind that she could say the same thing of me, but she’s not reacting like how I’d picture she would if she did, so maybe there’s still a selective filter. That’s just fine by me. Half of a relationship is figuring the other person out anyway… I think.
Her blissful smile was the widest I’ve ever seen it, “Such a boast! Berry Punch might take that as a challenge you know?” She poked me in the chest for my self assertive declaration.
I was assured of victory, “I’ll prove to both you and Berry that a Trifect’s insane tolerance for alcohol is a force to be reckoned with”
‘Who knows? Maybe we can get her drunk and score big time’ That one ignoble part of every man’s drive, referred to as libido, injected its prurient opinion.
‘Shut up brain’ Fortunately, chivalry was there to repress it.
The general chitchat of the people dying down in volume demanded my immediate attention. I bid Lyra a fond farewell and made a promise to visit sometime so we could discuss the particulars of a civilization that was not of this world in solitude. The cause of the silencing became clear once I saw Rainbow at the opposite end of the bakery making exaggerated motions like she was giving a speech. Once I was able to get close enough for my hearing to discern what she was saying beyond the murmurs that were still being passed around, I found out that she was indeed doing just that.
“You guys know how the athletic games are fast approaching right?” She asked her audience, who mostly answered in the affirmative, “Well we’ve got our teams representing our town on the official roster, of which I am the proud Captain. But what would guys think if we also got cred for having one of our own performing on stage during either the opening ceremony concert or the halfway show?” There was further murmuring before a positive consensus was reached and they voiced their approval.
She grinned cockily as she laid eyes on me, “I’m glad that you agree with me. The problem is… I don’t think he believes that he has the skill to do it justice, so how would you like him to give you a demonstration of just how wrong he really is?” Her inquiry was met with a resounding cheer.
‘Ackbar senses… tingling’ Too little, too late I’m afraid. Never the less, I futilely tried to worm my way out of this.
“As much as I’d love to entertain you nice folks with a ditty or two… I neglected to bring my-”
“Here you go!” Pinkie thrust my instrument into my grasp with one hand on the neck and the other holding up a tray as she resumed her rounds.
“…Guitar. Thank you Pinkie” I seethed through gritted teeth.
“You’re welcome!” She cheerfully said before making her way to a waiting table of customers, completely immune to the contempt I projected towards her with those words.
Rainbow’s smug expression only made my scowl worsen. Until a shrew scheme formulated itself in my mind that assured our mutual self consciousness. I motioned for the crowd to clear a space where I could sit down on a wooden stool while an audience gathered around me, eagerly awaiting their free performance. I kept the hood on, which puzzled my listeners, but enabled me to stay incognito to anyone who couldn’t assign a face to my voice.
“Before I begin, I’d just like to dedicate this song to the girl who seems to think so highly of my skill with a stringed instrument” I unclipped the capo and adjusted it to clamp down on the correct fret, “This one’s for you, Rainy”
With that, I began to strum to the tune of Howie Day’s ‘Collide’. Despite my aversion to it, the lyrics were just too fitting for me not to sing them. As predicted, the girls instantly fell in love with the melody and its meaning. The dudes were decidedly less enamored by it, but respected my ability to keep a tune anyway. I stole glances at the instigator of this hullabaloo and was pleased to see her frowning openly, either at the usage of her affectionate nickname or the fact that anyone with a half a brain would be able to tell that I devoted this song to her and would teasingly rib her about it.
I received a long lasting round of applause once the final notes faded into the air and I bowed respectfully. I then sought out Pinkie and asked her nicely to put my guitar back exactly where she found it once it was convenient for her. My timing couldn’t have been better, as a duo of guards muscled their way through the front entrance to officially announce to the denizens of the town the arrival of their esteemed Princess of the Day. I was glad that she forwent the fanfare and settled for walking inside like an ordinary person. Everyone present dropped to one knee in subservience, except for myself. I settled to acknowledge her with an incline of my head. Her guards (who couldn’t tell it was me underneath the hood) went ramrod straight at what they saw as insolence, and made to apprehend my person before Celestia stopped them with a single effortless wave of her hand.
She looked around with a smile, “Rise, my precious subjects. Be at ease” She commanded with a powerful, yet warm and benevolent voice.
They obeyed like trained puppies and got to their feet before swarming their ruler and heaping praise after praise onto her. They thanked her for things that she couldn’t even be indirectly responsible for, like meeting a romantic partner or being inspired to write a poem about ducks. Still, the Sun Regent bore their misplaced veneration with tactful grace that was clearly second nature to her after so many years of ascendancy.
They couldn’t see what I did, how that semi false smile held back more than they could possibly ever know in their relatively short lives. How those calculating eyes weighed every decision made and word spoken on a balance that regularly determined the fate of them all. The more I saw Celestia in this light, the more wary I become of taking a position of supreme leadership myself.
I wasn’t foolish or in denial. I knew that being a Trifect meant having an extended lifespan that was practically indefinite. That given time, all the relationships I have forged thus far would be terminated by death. I would stay the same while everyone I have ever come to care for would gradually wilt and shrivel like freshly cut flowers suspended in a glass vase. That was a massive reason why I was so hesitant to get too close to anyone, for fear that their passing would leave an indelible mark upon my spirit that would always agonize me whenever I saw something that reminded me of them.
However, I was under no delusions that I would live forever, and that my time would inevitably come as well. Being an immortal simply meant that I could no longer reliably predict when that time would be. But it wasn’t all bad news on the ageless life front. I didn’t have to worry about getting wrinkles or that dry elderly smell, and I knew that I would almost always have the company of the other immortals; even if they’re a little bit eccentric once you get to know them (don’t even get me started on Discord).
Perhaps that’s one of the explanations as to why Celestia mollycoddles her subjects the way she does. After her long life of making hard choices and putting up with God knows how many dire situations, their innocence is one of the few things that she can look forward to. Almost like a mother coming home after a stressful day of work to find her children having taken care of their chores and even making a ‘Welcome back Mom! We appreciate you’ banner. The kind of heartening goodness and virtue that once lost… is never quite found again. I know this certitude intimately.
I pondered all of this as I blended into the background and beheld Celestia and her subjects laugh and make merry. Her eyes met mine and an unspoken understanding was exchanged between us. The Princess sampled some of my creations after the Cakes made a fresh batch and found them to her liking. Her eyes glinted mischievously at me as she gave her thanks to the chef behind the idea of creating delectable desserts that resembled full course meals. I rolled mine and remained mostly unsociable, shrugging off attempts by both Dash and Pinkie to get me to hold a conversation for longer than five seconds.
Not much interesting happened in the hours that passed. Mrs. Cake brought both of her children down to meet the person who rose the Sun each morning and the collective females ‘aww’d’ at their adorable little faces. Young Pound Cake saw a woman in the crowd with two toned blue and periwinkle hair and parroted the words that he was not meant to hear from yesterday while pointing at her. The woman actually had a bit of a mental breakdown and uttered a jeremiad of woes about how she was unappreciated when she was just doing her job. When no one did anything to comfort her, I resentfully (and maybe just a mite culpably) got off my ass and spoke kindly to her. I let her know that she was making a mountain out of a molehill and that without her, most people in that same room would have teeth riddled with cavities and excruciatingly sensitive gums from rampant gingivitis.
Imagine the enormity of my dismay when instead of just cheering up and allowing me to become a wallflower once more; she noted that she’d never seen me before and that she did free checkups. I couldn’t say no without making everything I’d said null and void, so I grumbled out something that sounded like a ‘Count on it’ and all was well after some dental scheduling. Pound Cake was scolded by his mother for his crass language and interrogated as to who would impress such words upon him.
The tiny bugger tried to sell me out, but couldn’t point to me in the sea of faces. When his mother pressed further, he only murmured ‘Pan Man’ and suckled on his fingers to complete the deception of appearing to be a blameless Angel, successfully inveigling his warden. I spotted Celestia giving me a knowing, not to mention disapproving look as an aside and I shrugged in response, at least nobody besides her would suspect me of being a foul mouth.
The bake sale progressively wound down as people bought treats to take back home or stuffed their faces and rolled back their abodes. Dash continually badgered me to suck up to the Princess and get myself a role in the athletic games. When I finally agreed to it to get her to piss off, she had the gall to fist pump and left the bakery with a bumptious swagger in her step. Pinkie had already gotten to work sweeping up all of the crumbs and rubbish left behind. Celestia even offered to help with a helpful application of her magic, despite the Cake’s protests that she not lift a finger to do so. Me? I signaled to the Princess that I would wait outside for her and egressed the building.
The bake sale had operated for much longer than I estimated earlier, for the Sun was well into its descent beneath the horizon, heralding the beginning of the evening. I walked past the ever stoic guards who were policing the doorway and found a spot where I could lean against something while retaining an unfettered line of sight on my surroundings. The Princess emerged after ten minutes of waiting and issued a command to her bodyguard to await her at the carriage while she conducted strictly private business. They complied without fuss and marched away, their armor making metallic rattling noises as they fell into step side by side.
She plotted a course for the treebrary and gestured for me to walk with her, “Hello again, Zenith. I must say that you are most striking in those ravishing robes. Our dear Rarity always had a penchant for crafting outfits that accentuated the best in its wearer, but I digress. Been up to any mischief lately?” An imperceptible grin graced her smooth lips.
I acted casual, not questioning how she had hit the nail on the head, “Nothing beyond a few harmless pranks here and there. Rainbow supplied some pretty imaginative ideas herself” I remarked while examining my fingernails.
“I am immensely gladdened to hear that you’ve been taking my advice to heart. Even if its application thus far has been… playful at best” She observed with mild amusment.
“In spite of the aloof impression that I’ve been giving off, I have been properly spending most of my time with the girls. Although Twilight and I haven’t really made a connection yet” My expression morphed into a disappointed scowl, “Or should I say, not the kind of connection that friends are supposed to establish”
Celestia sighed as I brought up my grievance, “I promise you that Twilight meant for the best, even if her methods were… unsavory in their execution” I could hear the grimace in her tone. She was legitimately rueful about this bunkum.
She turned to me, “You must know that she was once as purposely self isolating as you were. To meet another who had a similar disposition but was unreceptive to the same happenings that helped her to realize that Friendship is key to Harmony forced her to search for explanations that she could use to devise more effective means of educating you” She explicated, knowing the mindset of her longtime student almost better than she did.
‘You say education, I say consensual brainwashing’ Nothing ever felt right about forced socialization, regardless of how pure its principles were. Not to me it didn’t. But then again, I’m meeting them halfway… or at the very minimum, trying to.
“I am not some equation to be solved” I replied grumpily, “I’m a man with an extensive set of personal boundaries. All of which your pupil knowingly tread upon without consideration or regret” Leastways until she got her prized ‘explanation’ for why I prefer to be a loner.
Celestia was undeterred by my sour attitude, “Which is, in large part, why we are going to resolve this together” She said as the top of the town library came within visual distance. We went up to welcoming mat and I took to the forefront.
I craned my neck around to speak to the Princess, “I’ll go in first since I need to gauge just how deep of a rut that Twilight has dug herself into. You can covertly listen in right?” At her affirmation, I continued, "You enter whenever you feel it appropriate or if I brush my left hand through my hair” I pulled down my hood, so she could see the action and so that I wouldn’t come off as impersonal to the person whose dulled attitude I was solely responsible for.
I customarily knocked on the door twice before entering, the smell of old books and parchment greeting my nostrils as always. Given how exceedingly quiet the Golden Oak Library typically was, my hearing could pick up the faint scratching sounds of an ink pen being pressed to paper upstairs. To my right, Spike was standing on the rungs of a rolling ladder while reorganizing one of the shelves.
It took him a few seconds of staring before he eventually recognized my face, “Hello, Zenith. Cool robe! Did you come here for some texts?” He asked as he expeditiously completed his task and hopped down from the ladder.
“Maybe another time. I was hoping to speak with Twilight… privately” I added, my tone brooking no protest from either of them in this matter.
“Uhh… sure!” He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, “But she kind of explicitly gave me instructions that she didn’t want to be accosted by anybody”
I regarded him coolly, “Then it’s a good thing I’m not here to accost her. Just tell I’m here to see her” I instructed, “I get the feeling that she’s been wanting to speak with me anyhow”
Spike nodded and did as I asked him to, running up the stairs and knocking on her door. I could hear it open and harsh whispering was exchanged for a few moments before one pair of light footsteps could be heard advancing down the hallway. Based on the unique sound every person’s stride makes, I could easily deduce that Twilight was coming down to meet me by herself. She descended the stairs with no discernible expression on her face, although there was dimness in her eyes that was very much out of place on the woman. The same dispassionately empty look that I witnessed whenever I faced a mirrored surface.
She maintained that listless dragging of her feet until we were face to face, “Zenith. I’ve been expecting you” She droned to me in monotone. Her voice was devoid of most inflection.
Is this what it’s like to converse with someone like me? I would resolve to fix this for that reason alone.
I raised an eyebrow, “Have you now? And why would that be?”
She lethargically raised her arm and pointed her index finger at me, “You are the only one who can help me see” When I remained silent she elucidated further, “Why is it that we should persist when all of our motivation is robbed of us?” She asked.
“You are presumptuous to assume that our lack of motivation is common ground for us. But I wouldn’t be mistaken to infer that you know that I have something to do with how you hardly feel, would I?”
She nodded stiffly, “That is correct. Owlowiscious informed me that you had some kind of involvement based on a comment you made after carrying me upstairs. One concerning a burden of the heart"
I hummed in thought, I knew that having an avian witness would come back to haunt me, “A burden that we will not be sharing for much longer, thankfully”
I grabbed both of her arms and made a decision that could go either way. But Twilight would once again become the bookish nerd I had met before all this, “Twilight Sparkle. I’m going to remove those fillings in your memory that I know you don’t believe in the slightest. The memories you do find will be painful, but you will finally have the answers you seek. Do you accept this arrangement?”
‘Do it’ She mouthed in consent, looking me deep in the eyes.
I took that cue as permission to do what I needed to, my eyes lit up with magic as I scoured her mind of all the false memories I had implanted. I removed everything that obscured her recollection of the event. I didn’t want to originally do this when I first inhibited her, but it was high time for both of us to truthfully come clean to each other like human beings. The action was like the bursting of a dam, and nothing but frigid emotion poured forth and ignited each nerve in her body. I withdrew from her head and found myself enwrapped in her embrace as she buried her ear against my beating heart. She mercifully wasn’t openly sobbing or anything, but I could see that her face was glistening with tears.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sor-” She repeated like a broken record.
I rocked her lightly to terminate her trance, “Hey. It’s alright. You’re forgiven, okay?” I brushed my hand down her hair, which smelled like Lavender and ink.
She pulled away and stared incredulously at me, “But I hurt you so much. In the name of Friendship of all things! How could you ever forgive me for that?”
Despite the overwhelming seriousness of the situation, a short chuckle escaped me, “What you did, hurt you a helluva lot more than it did me, bookworm” I gently corrected, wiping away the wetness around her eyes with a thumb.
“Pain doesn’t even begin to describe the immensity of what I witnessed, and to think that I forced my way i-” I cut her off.
“You didn’t force your way into anything Twilight. I let you in” I enunciated slowly, letting that sink in for a bit.
She was flabbergasted, “I-it took less e-effort and was much easier to gain access inside a Trifect’s mind than I estimated. B-but why? Why let me in?” She stuttered, unable to process what I had just revealed to her.
I shrugged noncommittally, “Partly because resisting was incredibly uncomfortable, and partly because… you needed to see what you did” I tentatively explained, coming to this unsettling realization some time back.
She shook her head and sniffled, “I’ll never forget the turbulent cascade of memories that I gleaned from you. Was that what Fluttershy and Pinkie saw in the Harmonic Nexus of the Elements?” Was her conjecture. It was an interesting designation regardless. I’d have to remember that one.
“They got the abridged version, only you got the full picture” Otherwise they’d have been even more emotional about it.
“Oh Zenith…” She hugged me again. Why were these people always so touchy feely?
She spoke softly to me in a sympathetic voice I’ve never heard her use, “I once felt the way you do, that I didn’t need anyone. That I could build up these walls around my heart and just… shut the world away” Her compassionate eyes were still agleam with unspilt tears, “But after all of the heartfelt connections that I made with my friends here, I learned that there is a better way. One that isn’t so alone. One filled with the unparalleled light of Harmony”
She took my hands and held them against her bosom (not in a perverted way. Clearly she was holding them close to her heart), “I swear to you on my life, on my honor, on my very magic… that my friends and I will never seek to deliberately hurt you, or purposely estrange you. I know you might not believe this, but we love you far too much to maliciously cause you harm”
I was touched, to say the least.
She enveloped me in her arms and pressed her face into my chest for a third time, “Words cannot express to you how remorseful I am for invading your very soul. I just wanted to discover why you’re so… cold, and apathetic to everything” She retracted herself, leaving a damp patch on my robes (she’s the only one so far to not make a comment on what I’ve been wearing, much to my amusement), “Now I know, and I will do everything in my power to show you a new perspective. One less cynical and more meaningful” She smiled at me, “And my friends will show you that too”
I did my best to reflect the expression, “I don’t doubt that. Even with what my mind and heart are screaming at me, I do not doubt that at all” I subtly ran my left hand through my hair, growing weary of all this drama.
“Anyways, there’s someone else beside me who’d like to speak with you. A certain woman with a majestic aura about her” I meant that last part literally, given my extra sense for nearby extremely powerful beings.
Her brow furrowed, “Who?” Apparently I was too liberal with my wording.
I rolled my eyes at her obliviousness, “The one you owe your allegiance to, bookworm. Leave the hoo’ing to the owl” I quipped, as was customary.
The door opened and Celestia made an entrance, her wavy hair billowing in an unseen breeze and covering one of her eyes like it invariably did, “Good evening, my student”
Twilight was aghast, “Princess Celestia!? Oh no, oh no, oh no!” I could hear her susurrate.
“What’s wrong? You’re not in trouble or anything if that’s what’s worrying you” Even if she broke a law or two digging around in my being.
“I am in deep trouble!” She disagreed vehemently, “I’m all out of tea to welcome her!” She sibilated, biting on her nails and looking anywhere but at her teacher. I swear that I saw a hair or two that was beginning to stick upwards.
I was vaguely impressed with how she made such a trivial matter sound like the end of the world.
I failed to see the problem, “So?”
“So!? Princess Celestia loves her tea! For every occasion that she visits, I make sure to have a cup of her favorite Elysian tea prepared for her!” She spouted, loudly hyperventilating at this point.
I guess she had a semi valid point. Back when I resided at the palace, I rarely ever saw Celestia without a steaming cup of leafy liquid within arm’s reach.
“Okay. I can just run out and get the ingredients for you” I offered, my role here was pretty much over with anyhow.
“You don’t understand! I get the ingredients from Zecora, and she lives out in the Neverfree forest!”
“Then I’ll just stop by Zecora’s place and tell her that you sent me” I helpfully suggested.
“Bu-” I would have no more of her borderline neurosis.
“Look… would you rather you keep your mentor waiting? Or would you rather get the pleasantries out of the way while I fetch her the ingredients for this mandatory tea?” I countered with reason.
She sighed miserably, “The latter…” She finally conceded, while Celestia and I shared a knowing look at her student’s quirky antics.
⁂
Twilight gave me the directions to get to Zecora’s and made it clear that I needed to stay on the dirt path at all times. She also directed me to give her a note to from her to Zecora, asking for other reagents that the reclusive herbalist supplied her with. I grumbled at little at being turned into an errand boy, but it was preferable to being a third wheel in whatever emotionally tense discussion the student and the teacher were going to have.
The aforementioned dirt path branched off in multiple directions at its terminus, but the telltale yellowish glow of candlelight could be seen coming from a tree like home not far off in the distance. I really hated the sensations that I received when traversing inside of that damnable jungle-marsh, but the air was oddly silent the whole way. It was almost as if something had occurred recently that caused the forest and everything in it to hold its collective breath.
I had a sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with the charred wooden door that lead into the hut having been smashed in. I reacted swiftly and rushed toward the building, extracting more details as I got closer. There were multiple scorch marks around the doorway, like someone had been assaulting the portal with fire bolts until it gave way. I stepped inside to survey the scene. Things were turned over, smashed, or in shambles like a tornado had passed through. A gnarled staff that was broken in two lay at my feet, indicating that a struggle took place. My scanning sight noted a peculiar cubbyhole in between two tribal looking masks with a shattered third mask on the floor. It was vacant of any items, so something must have been seized in whatever kerfuffle occurred here. This looked like a smash and grab if ever I saw one.
Before my mind could formulate any questions as to what happened here, I heard a strained groan coming from beneath a large pile of potion bottles next to an overturned cast iron cauldron. I began pulling away at the debris until I found the dark skinned woman languishing underneath. Aside from a serious looking second degree burn on her cheek and a few fresh bruises, she was mostly unharmed. I resisted the urge to look away, since she only had a skimpy leather bra and loincloth to cover her modesty, which meant that the rest of her shapely body was on display. Her black and white striped hair was down too, so there was no Mohawk like I had been secretly hoping for.
“Miss Zecora, can you hear me? Are you awake? Who did this to you?” I spoke to her, trying to elicit some kind of response beside her occasional grunts of soreness.
“A thief in the night. One wielding flames most bright” She eventually replied through pained breaths. This told me that I had a pyromancer to deal with, wonderful.
I helped her back on her feet, where she stood shakily before nearly keeling back over. I caught and braced her against myself as I shepherded her to her bed. I sat her down on the spotted fur blanket and took a seat beside her. I cooed reassuringly to her that I was right there and that the one who had harmed her would meet justice for their actions. She pointed towards a bottle on a shelf that hadn’t been sorted through and urged me to bring it to her. I did as she asked and brought it back, discovering that it was some kind of salve that soothed burns and sped up the healing process.
I tried applying the salve myself but she insisted against it, “Do not fret over the marks on my face! You must track down the one who did this and give chase!” She commanded as took the bottle from my grasp, “There is little time to waste. Find the one who stole the touchstone, make haste!”
‘Touchstone?’
Much as I wanted to do just that, I’d need a lead, “How do you propose I do that? It’s not like whoever did this left a trail or anyth-” That was when I suddenly became aware of a presence permeating the air, much like the kind I intrinsically felt around the Princesses, though this one felt… contrived for some reason.
The Shamaness saw the look of realization upon my face, “I know you can sense the stone’s great power. Apprehend the man who took it, lest he disappear at this late hour!” Zecora urged me, nudging me towards the door without further ado.
I set off into the forest, following my innate sense like a Bloodhound with a scent. It didn’t take much for me to piece together that this ‘Touchstone’ was analogous to the Alicorn Amulet. Which would make it a Trifect Touchstone… I guess. I probably would have been able to track this man even without my sense. Because not five minutes in, I came across a trail of torched destruction rank with the stink of smoke. It was mildly alarming to see so many scorch marks randomly found everywhere. Including on an unfortunate Manticore, who had tangled with the wrong prey and wound up a smoking carcass for its efforts. Whoever had stolen the Touchstone was taking great pleasure in testing out their improved pyromancy. Curious to note was how nothing was still on fire, whoever did this at least had the decency to snuff out their flames.
The trail culminated in a clearing of tall grass, where a lone man of above average height and wearing blackish robes like mine (but not nearly as sexy) was pretending his thumb and index finger were a lighter, flicking them together and watching the wisp of bluish flame appear. It was difficult to tell in the low light setting, but further physical features could be made out as I cautiously drew closer. His hair was a spiky black with noticeable blue streaks running through it in long strands. His frame wasn’t packed with muscle like an Agrarian, but was lean and wiry… which would have lead me to believe that he was Valkyrian had he not been literally playing with fire.
He seemed to grow tired of his two fingered feat and began to move, prompting me to confront him, “Stop right there criminal scum!” I shouted with an authoritative voice that would have made any Cyrodiilian city guard proud.
He lazily twisted in place as he regarded me, “How did you find me?” He asked, sounding only passingly curious. I was busy contemplating how a non magi could cast fire, as he lacked a focal gem. The thing that was most interesting about him (if you can call it that) were his bluish eyes, which almost had a crackling fire like shine to them.
“Not that difficult, you kind of left a wake for me to follow” I gestured behind me with a thumb.
“Yea, that tends to happen when I get bored” He said with a noncommittal shrug, "But you must have me mistaken for somebody else, for I am no mere criminal, and I’d appreciate if you didn’t refer to me as such” He hinted with a threatening undertone of violence.
I didn’t appreciate that. Not. One. Bit.
“Oh?” I crossed my arms together, “And just how should I refer to you? You, who assailed someone in their own home and stole something entrusted to them for safekeeping?” I wanted to just kick the shit out of this guy and be done with it, but I needed to approach this situation with caution.
“I don’t rightly remember what those who spawned this body named it, but I am called Azure Phoenix. Also known as the Everlasting Inferno and the Vengeful Flame. Perhaps you’ve heard of me?” He stated with a wide grin, “As for assailing dark chocolate back there? She gave just as good as she got with that nasty cane of hers, I think I still have a few splinters stuck in my neck from when she struck me” He rubbed at the area and winced as he felt a tender spot. He’d get no pity from me, especially not with that annoying voice that was positively dripping with self certainty.
"Nice ass on that one though” He chuckled lecherously, completely impenitent of his actions.
I snorted in disgust, “Can’t say I’ve ever heard of you, and for that I’m glad. You’re kind of a huge dick” Freakin’ antagonists and their overinflated chutzpah.
He smirked widely at this, “I can’t disagree with you on that one, and neither can the ladies for that matter”
I rolled my eyes at his blatant warping of my words to compliment himself.
“Allow me to enlighten you. I’m something of a revenant renegade around these parts. My memories on the original event are hazy, but I conducted a ritual many centuries ago that allowed me to continue living indefinitely. Even after death… and I’ve had quite a few, some less than peaceful, I could still keep the grave at bay” The way he went on about this with that irritating expression was only exacerbating my foul mood.
‘Great, another immortal psychopath with delusions of grandeur for me to deal with' I groused to myself.
“How utterly fascinating. That doesn’t change the fact that you have something dangerous on you. Something that doesn’t belong to you” I cut straight to the point, eliciting an insulted scowl from the supposed revenant.
“Ah! Such disrespect from the youngsters these days” His comment was both condescending and odd, considering that he couldn’t have been more than a few years older than myself physically.
He held up a finger, “And did you stop to think why that might be?”
“I normally assume that anyone who would harm another to get their grubby paws on an artifact of great power only has dark intentions on their agenda” I’ve seen it for myself, and it didn’t end too well for the opposing party involved.
“And normally I would agree with you, but I am not in that category” He insisted, idly examining his nails as if this were just another day in the office.
“By all means, tell me which category you belong in” I indulged him, ready to brandish my arsenal at a moments notice.
He obliged me, “The Heroic kind. I’ve dedicated my existence to scourging the Earth of evil, be that in spirits of hatred like the Windigos; who are now all but extinct thanks to me, or common bandit scum who prowl the roadways and rob unsuspecting caravans blind. Sometimes doing even worse than that. Although their professions become a lot more difficult to profit from once I find them and teach them the error of their ways. The Diamond Dog convict gang that used to hide out in the old mines near the town found that out for themselves” He explained with a grin, painting himself as this watchful vigilante. Though I got the impression that his method of ‘teaching' was usually of a permanently lethal persuasion.
If what this guy is saying was true, then why have I never heard of him? Or any of his supposedly noble deeds? I wanted to call bullshit, but I couldn’t discount anything yet.
He kept up his exposition, “Used to be small time if I recall correctly, only protecting a tiny village out there in the relentless snowstorm, where I found refuge after that bitch Platinum tossed my disciples and I out of her court like so much used rubbish. I swore to myself after Stellaria that I’d never again serve under the whims of another. It was there in that frosted village that I devised a new kind of magic that could burn away the harsh and constant winter that the Windigoes thrust upon us. By turning to the righteous anger within, I could manifest it in the real world to burn my enemies with until they were naught but ash” He snapped his fingers and I saw a spark of flame appear before it quickly grew into a stalagmite of flame.
I was still dubious to most of his claims, but was already thinking up countermeasures to be on the safe side. I could not imagine what this ancient Skyborn was doing in Platinum’s court to begin with; Platinum absolutely abhorred the Skyborn before the unification of the three clans (key word being before. It was rumored that she had an alleged affair with Commander Hurricane whom she both loved and hated).
This guy must have loved to hear himself talk, because he just kept blabbering on, “Time flew by, and before I knew it, my aging body was failing me. But I refused to go out peacefully, delving deep into forbidden texts that I appropriated from Platinum’s personal study, and discovering a ritual that allowed for one's rebirth to occur. The catch was that I would need a fresh body to be reborn in. So the villagers, who were immensely grateful to me for keeping them safe all of those years, agreed to take part in my ritual with as few questions as possible. They mingled their donated blood together and guaranteed an anchor for the magical signature of my spirit to latch onto after expiration, allowing me to inhabit the bodies of their offspring for use as my vessel”
My teeth grit together, ‘What?’
This revelation appalled me to my core. Such acts of magic are expressly forbidden for a reason. What about the spirit of the child who was to originally inhabit that body!? The irritation in my gut began to boil into anger as I looked at this perversion of nature speak with that unfaltering ‘I can do no wrong’ expression.
“This would normally be the part where I’d reduce you to a smoldering heap of cinders to keep myself anonymous, but it would seem like such a waste of talent. There must be some skill hidden behind that emotionless mask of yours if you managed to track me down in a forest this dangerous. Granted, I cleared out a good deal of those dangers on the way here” He laughed uproariously. Proud of the mindless path of destruction he blazed into the woods.
The enamel of my teeth was grinding together without my awareness.
“Why not join me?” He held out his arms in a welcoming gesture, “Together we can make the world into our perfect playground, burning it clean of scum and making it pure!” His eyes were manic, that gleam doubling in magnitude. This was not a choice the wise would ever accept, regardless of the good will behind it.
“You claim to have pure intentions, yet your methods are as repugnant as the evils you profess to cleanse. I will not cast my lot in with a madman like you. Especially not with a body snatcher, at that” I rebuffed the delusional fruit loop, incensing him greatly.
His mouth twisted into an ugly snarl, “If you are not with me… then you are against me” He declared menacingly as his clenched fists ignited with a bluish white flame.
Other than slightly narrowing my eyes, I betrayed no surprise at the full validity of his strange pyromantic abilities, despite his incompatible clan type. He was clearly more than he appeared… but so was I.
“Only a Sith deals in absolutes. I will do what I must” I countered, drawing upon my reserves of magic in anticipation for the coming fight, with Azure absently racking his mind for a reference to such a title.
“You will try” He unwittingly quoted in return, expression darkening considerably.
I analyzed my opponent as we stared each other down. His stance was that of someone who had lived adequately long to accumulate enough combative experience to be a considerable threat if left unchecked. His arrogant posturing also indicated that he thought of me as little more than an obstacle to be easily removed, something that I could use to my advantage. I had to be careful not to use my wings, I didn’t want him to realize what he was dealing with and fly the coop. My magic was also at half capacity by now, and if what my senses told me was accurate, this man could supplement his magic with a reserve that could match Cadence at her very best. I would be outclassed in this fight when it came to who could sling around the most magic, but not when it came to what types of magic.
He made the first move, casting a large fireball aimed straight at me. I assembled Dichotomy in half the time it took to reach me and cleaved the fiery sphere apart. The magic nullifying edge of the blade making it dissipate mere milliseconds after coming in contact with the fireball. Azure was smart enough not to be stunned by this display and followed up with a hail of fire bolts that I either dodged with my agility or batted away with my sword. The Valkyrian fire mage seemed to favor keeping his distance, and I was slowly but surely closing in on him.
When I was within swinging range, white ethereal wings sprouted from his back and he took to the sky.
“Congrats. You’ve actually managed to last longer than half of the opponents I’ve ever faced!” He called down from above, “Let’s make this a little more interesting. You seem to like playing with swords, of which I have none… for now” His eyes flashed red for the briefest moment before fiery constructs of a similar color appeared all around him. Scimitars, Estocs, Rapiers, and even a bastard sword materialized into the air, their business ends pointed at me.
I had to resist the urge to gulp at their numbers.
Azure rubbed at his chin, “Now what is that fancy term swordsmen use when dueling each other? Ah, yes, now I remember. En garde!” And with that he sent a hail of blades downwards onto me.
There wasn’t much of a chance for me deflect all of them at once, so I flash teleported some twenty feet away. The blades impaled the Earth where I once stood and fizzled out of existence. I broke Dichotomy apart and sent half of the shards towards the airborne Azure. He reacted appropriately and tried to blast them away with concussive waves of fire, scattering most of my pieces, which I recalled back to me. One small fragment managed to make it through and nicked him in his face, drawing blood and making my opponent hesitate for the first time in the battle.
He rubbed at his damaged features, “Damn it. That’s going to scar” I heard him murmur, still not acknowledging me as more than some pushover he could fry without a struggle.
He glared at me, “You’re starting to become a nuisance. Why not do me a favor and just die already!” He downcast a column of bluish-red fire at the ground that spread in all directions and forced me to erect a barrier spell around myself for protection.
I wasn’t expecting the fire to start eating away at my shields the way it did, breaking them apart in a few seconds and forcing me to instantly erect a triple layered one until Azure’s attack was spent. Through the translucent bubble, I could see that he was no longer afloat; his area of effect attack apparently required too much focus for him to juggle both his wings and fire magic at the same time.
By the time his attack shut down, I was down to my last layer of shielding, which promptly faded away as the remaining fire ate away at the magic powering the spell. I made a note to myself to avoid the magical debuff properties of his flames and pressed the assault. I unsheathed my Tantō and quick casted a return volley of ice bolts with the intent of turning him into a pincushion. He erected a shield of his own, only his was fire based and effectively neutralized my projectiles. This was a feint though, and I used his momentary blindness from behind his shield to make another jump right behind him.
I jammed a shard of Dichotomy into his sweltering shield and did to him what he did to me, effectively cancelling his protection and allowing me to punch the stunned Azure in the face as he rapidly twisted in place to look at me. I only managed a glancing hit, but it was enough to send the arrogant man flying with a spin into the burning undergrowth without magical assistance. I sheathed my Tantō and walked towards his direction. I wasn’t pulling any punches in this fight. It was kill or be killed, and I would be damned if I let this asshole accomplish the latter.
He probably felt the same way, because he exploded out of the burning thicket with nothing but blood rage in his eyes. He tackled me and carried me into the sky while maintaining a chokehold around my neck. His grip wasn’t terribly strong, but the fact that his hands were on fire made it rather painful. I had no idea how long we soared through the night sky as we struggled to gain the upper hand on the other. It must have been quite the distance, because instead of flames, the moon proved to be the only source of illumination as I wrestled with Azure. I pulled back and head-butted him square in his kisser, disrupting his hold over both myself and our flight trajectory. I pulled out of his grasp and tumbled to Earth, I disregarded my self induced handicap and spread my wings to right myself midair.
Fate must have a funny sense of humor, because the place where I touched down was in the decrepit ruins of the old Neverfree Castle. I must have been inside a great dining hall of some kind, as there was a long table of rotten wood lining the middle of the open roofed hall I was in. I did my best to ignore the skeletons that were slumped over its surface, still stretched out in poses that suggested that they were still in the process of eating just before they perished. I rubbed at my neck and winced at the pain, it was like the worse sunburn I had experienced ten times over and concentrated in one spot.
My reprieve from the fight was fleeting, as I was forced to roll out of the way of another huge fireball that its caster wanted nothing more than to immolate me with. It struck the ancient dining table and set it alight, reducing it to crumpled ashes in seconds. I brandished Dichotomy and wind milled it with telekinetic magic to absorb a never ending series of fire bolts that forced me back until my back was against the wall. Phoenix stood at the opposite end of the room and glared bloody murder at me, his bluish eyes flashing red with greater frequency. His flames were no longer blue, nor were they as easy to fend off now.
I noticed that there was a large pile of stone rubble hanging above his head from a platform that was only about a quarter intact. If I could destroy the column supporting it below, I could use the castle environment to crush my foe for a repeat occasion. I used my free hand to pull out the Tantō and built up a wall of concentrated force that I released towards the column. The effect was almost instantaneous, with the column giving out a mighty ‘crack!’ and splintering before bursting apart in an explosion of chunks. With nothing left to hold it up, the platform above dumped both itself and its load on the unsuspecting Azure, who raised his hands above his head before being buried beneath the bulky boulders.
I used the lull to catch my breath and alleviate some the mental exhaustion that I associated with my shrinking supply of mana. Once I felt sufficiently recovered, I approached the small mountain of rubble with the utmost caution. I could still sense the power of the Touchstone being utilized, so it was clear that Azure wasn’t defeated just yet. I felt that same power build up before it went off with the force of a bomb, scattering debris everywhere and completely decimating what was left of the destroyed dining hall. The wreckage of the ruins bounced harmlessly off of my barrier spell that I had reinforced only moment’s prior.
I saw the man, in much worse condition than I was, come forth from the leftover dust cloud.
“I am fire. I am… death” He vented as he trudged towards me, his tone devoid of all previous blitheness. His eyes were completely red, the Touchstone now exerting complete control over his actions.
Still not as sexy as mine though.
“Silly Phoenix, that’s not how you pronounce egotistical” I goaded him, making him roar in fury and charge me. Twin blades of blood red fire manifested in his hands and lashed out at my neck.
I parried with Dichotomy and damaged one of the conjured weapons by blocking it. I noted how solid the magic made weapon was as it chipped from the force of the deflection. Azure merely repaired it with his wellspring of magic and ferociously assaulted me with speed befitting a Valkyrian. I surrendered myself to the flow of battle and dual wielded my blade, seamlessly countering all of Azure’s attacks and progressively landing some of my own in small cuts. When I got like this, it was hard to think of anything else besides how I would dismantle my opponent with my aggressive wit and the frighteningly swift strikes of my weapons. He proved to be a worthy opponent indeed, nearly lopping my head off in more than one flurry of slashes. Azure didn’t even seem to care (or feel) the large gash that I traced along his left thigh in retaliation.
Our fast paced duel took us through a corridor and into one of the castle courtyards, which was overgrown with foreign growths and of the towering plants that were originally sowed there. Every time I dodged a lunge or a swipe from the mad Phoenix, it would catch something on fire spectacularly. I could tell that his impatience with me was through the roof as he unleashed every trick in his arsenal, from his usual fire projectile, to solid projections of weapons (I plucked a thrown fire spear out of the air and tossed it right back at him), to ones that I hadn’t seen before like minions of flame that mirrored my shadow opponents.
I was able to use handy dandy illusion for the umpteenth time to keep Azure guessing, at least up to the point that I opened a gaping wound in his back with the black blade.
“ENOUGH!” He screamed as he unleashed a concussive wave of fire in all directions, knocking me off my feet and setting a portion of Rarity’s robes that I was unable to shield on fire. Azure’s stentorian voice was overlaid with something else. Whatever it was, it sounded unholy as all hell.
I rolled to a stop as I lost my grip on my weapons, which clattered uselessly out of arm’s reach. I had to sacrifice an unhealthy amount of magic to snuff the growing flame that was eating away at my robe’s fringes. I glanced up at my aggressor to see him preparing to cast a Über-charged spell to finish me once and for all. A bleeding Azure focused all of his magical might into a conflagration that barreled my way with the intensity of a solar flare. My body acted on instinct and I put up a multi layered barrier spell that contained what remained of my magic, down to the last drop. I angled it until it resembled a cone, funneling most of the conflagration’s force away from one point and easing the burden of holding it up.
Even still, I was sweating like a pig as I fought to uphold the only thing keeping me alive at this point. One of my knees kissed the dirt as the effort of staving off my doom began to take its toll. To put it into perspective, it felt like trying to keep a blue whale from crushing me with its blubber. Even then, I felt the skin on my face begin to crack and peel as the heat burned away the entirety of the moisture in the air. It goes without saying that I was having a very bad time of it.
My magic cut out just scant seconds after Phoenix ceased his onslaught and I all but collapsed, panting from the tremendous travail. Azure however, was equally exhausted from throwing around that much mana in a single spell, Touchstone or not, and was huffing as he tried to catch his own breath. He wasted no time and drew closer, intent on ending our little scuffle.
A huge sword appeared in his hands and he limped closer, “H-ha! A-another pathetic c-challenger f-falls to his knees b-before my might!” He breathlessly boasted, raising his conjured weapon to deal the final blow. He was mistaken if he thought I was going to go down so indisputably.
My eyes coruscated as an influx of sudden strength surged through me. Faster than he could blink, I rose to my feet and deflected the downswing of his weapon to the side using the armored portion of my left vambrace, while flicking out my hidden blade with my right arm and ramming it through the stupefied man’s chest in the same motion. Plain Sight’s favored weapons effortlessly did their job as they tasted blood for the first time in over a millennium. It wasn’t an instantly fatal wound, probably just severing some pulmonary arteries above his heart. But needless to say, he wouldn’t live to see the end of this day.
I leaned closer to his ear as we ‘embraced' and spoke, “Every man will be humbled and every knee shall bow. I am no exception, and neither are you” I yanked out my blade and the man began clutching at his chest, trying to cauterize the wound shut in a vain attempt to persevere, but finding it difficult to summon the power necessary as his eyes lost their red sheen.
The Touchstone was abandoning him to his fate.
He fell to his knees and looked up at me in a mixture of shock and disbelief, before doubling over upon a burnt patch of Earth that our clash affected.
“Your hollow victory over me means nothing” He contemptuously spat as blood dribbled from the corners of his mouth, “I will simply be reborn. I will find you again, when you are old and weak from age. And I will destroy you!” He swore with his last fading breaths, glaring up at me with as much hatred as he could muster, before gingerly closing his eyes as his remaining strength left him. All of the flames that he had cast died out shortly thereafter.
I calmly reached down into his robe and tore the torc like necklace off of his person, gazing at the smooth touchstone inlaid into the jewelry that I now held in the palm of my hand. I ran my fingers along the surface of the stone, feeling each individual trough and indention in its composition. I pointedly ignored the whispers of unlimited power and the means to get back home, knowing them to be empty promises from a glorified rock. I scanned it with what trickles of magic were given to me from just holding the damned thing and discovered that it actively stimulated the endocrine system of the brain. I hummed in thought as I digested this tidbit of information, that would definitely explain why it made its users hyper aggressive and domineering, able to shrug off pain and not tire as quickly (in a similar vein, it would make them extremely horny as well).
The lattice of the magic infused in this thing was mutable. It had to be if it wanted to accommodate the wishes and desires of its users beyond raw power. An idea began forming in my mind as the life force tied to Phoenix’s spirit began to visibly leak from his body in bluish wisps.
“No… you won’t” I solemnly declared.
With the stone in hand, I punched it through the man’s chest cavity and used my understanding of its inherent nature to modify the stone’s magical properties, channeling the flow of its immense power inward until it resembled a power vacuum, sucking in anything remotely magical in direct contact with it. I excluded myself from this rule with a few modifications to the material that it could siphon energy from. Thus it was altered from a power granting necklace, to something similar to a Soulstone.
There was no sound in the silent forest as the renegade who had rampaged through it was currently in the process of his imprisonment, his life force slowly being absorbed into the rock like water to a sponge. The stone pulsed for a second or two as the once noble (literal definition, not personality wise) man known as Azure Phoenix was forever sealed inside. The blue glow gradually going out like that of a dying ember.
I got to my feet and examined the newly modified touchstone after cleaning some of the gore off my hand with a brisk application of dirtied water from a nearly demolished courtyard fountain. The streaks on it had changed color, as if to reflect that it was ‘full’. I looked down at the man’s broken body before deciding to do him an honor that he probably wouldn’t have afforded me. Gathering up miscellaneous planks of wood from the outside forest, I stacked them together before laying his body upon it. There was no eulogy as I set it alight with the remnants of my magic.
I stood there in absolute stillness. I was triumphant over my enemy, watching his remains burn with no trace of any one particular emotion in my eyes.
‘Ashes to ashes, dust to dust’ I mentally recited, only this time no Phoenix would be reborn from the ashes. I’m not sure why, but an old folk song sung by Johnny Cash was playing in my mind as I watched the orange-red flames flicker and burn, consuming the corpse of my adversary piecemeal.
I wordlessly stowed the Soulstone away in an inner chest pocket before collecting my swords, joining them back together, and sheathing Dichotomy’s shards. I gave my surroundings one last look, committing them to memory. With the impromptu funeral pyre having carried out its task, I made my way back to Zecora’s hut, internally debating what I should do with my captive, now that I had him in tow. It was very clear that Zecora might not have been the best bet for keeping artifacts of dangerous power out of the wrong hands. Heck, Celestia had an institute dedicated to retrieving stuff like that and neutralizing it!
That settles it; I’m giving this to Cel the moment I see her… right after she slurps down her obligatory tea.
The whole walk back I did nothing but brood, ‘Man, are these the kind of decisions that the Princesses have to make? Because playing the role of judge, jury, and… execut-… jailer blows big time’ I wouldn’t stoop to calling myself an executioner, I swore that I wouldn’t become anything like Azure did. I would never kill indiscriminately the way he did. I would only ever slay in self defense, or in the defense of others.
I was dragging my feet when I stumbled back into Zecora’s home after an hour of wandering the Neverfree in search of her place. My entrance startled the woman, who shouted something in her native language before relaxing at the sight of me. She came to my side and in an ironic mirroring of earlier events, escorted me to her bed where we could both sit. I tried to say something, but she shushed me and began applying that salve to my neck and anywhere else that was afflicted by Azure’s blistering magic.
To my disappointment, I had received a lot more burn damage in our duel than I had accredited to that pyromaniac. Zecora motioned for me to discard the torso portion of my robes and I hesitated briefly, until I remembered that she was a good deal more exposed than I was and deferred to her judgment. Surprise, surprise! My chest was riddled with blisters and other forms of first to second degree burn damage. Zecora worked her herbalist magic and my chest was numbed before it began to feel cool again, just like if she had applied aloe vera to the spot, only more foul smelling and pasty. Still, it did its job, and I was no longer hunched over and biting down curses now that the adrenaline wore off.
I put on my robes again after Zecora wrapped my body with some kind of fronds that were supposed to expedite the healing process and prevent scarring. I know that chicks are rumored to dig scars, but burn marks are ugly as sin. Trust me, I’ve seen burn victims up close at the plastic surgery clinic. It’s not a pretty picture.
I examined my outfit and found it to be relatively undamaged when compared to myself. Rarity definitely designed these robes to go that extra mile. I’d say they withstood their trial by fire with flying colors. I’d still need to pay her a visit to patch up some tears and wash out some singed parts, but that was a minor concern at best.
Once she was finished acting the role of healer, she sat down next to me with a sigh, “Mine is not a debt that is so deftly repaid. Tell me, why was it that you were so swift in coming to my aid?” She asked me, likely referring to why I was so quick in making sure that she was all right.
“What? You mean, why did I check to see if you were alive? Well, because you were injured! It’s in my interest to make sure my fellow being is still kicking” I naturally responded.
“You would treat me like kin? Ignoring the disparity of our skin?” She opined with genuine confusion. Was she really so unused to Arcanians seeing her as an equal?
I smiled wryly, “I judge people based not on the color of their skin, but on the color of their character. And from what I hear, Twilight thinks most highly of yours, Miss Zecora”
She laughed warmly and said something in her native tongue, shaking her head, “Of this, I should have suspected. Twilight’s entrusting of the stone to myself and your arrival are interconnected” She stated.
I gave her a funny look, “You make it seem like all this has the stench of destiny attached to it. I really only came here to obtain the ingredients for Elysian tea and some reagents that Twilight wrote down on this… list” I lamely finished as I pulled out a half burned piece of paper, “Damn… guess I’ll have to make a return trip” I groused (although I was actually looking forward to spending more time with Zecora under less stressful circumstances). I also took out the Touchstone and showed it to her.
“I am gladdened to see that you prevailed against that monstrous man. Will you be returning the stone to my care, back where this began?” Her palms were open for me.
I shook my head this time, “I’m afraid not. This ‘Trifect Touchstone’ is going straight to the Princess. She’ll know what to do with it” I said as I stood up.
She nodded and folded her hands back into her lap, “That course of action seems most wise. Hiding that stone here almost ensured my demise” She tentatively replied as she also got up and fished around in one of jars beneath her bed. After finding what she was scrounging for, she handed me a tiny wooden case that was filled with tealeaves of varying hues.
She presented it to me with a friendly smile, “Here are the materials you requested. May your journey home be safe and unmolested”
“You’re right. I’m not out of the woods yet, am I?” I jested as I held the package securely in my arms.
As she showed me out, I couldn’t help but make one last passing comment, “It’s a real shame though, as I’ve been meaning to ask you what you think about the color Orange” I grinned unashamedly at her.
She grinned back at me and answered without skipping a beat, “Your point is moot. As I see no reason to speak about that accursed fruit” She chuckled heartily, before wincing at the motion upsetting the burn mark on her cheek and turned back inside to apply more salve to the wound. The newly replaced door shut with a resounding click as she closed it behind her.
I made my way back to town and reflected on the day’s events before coming to a solid conclusion.
‘Why is it that shit like this only happens on a Sunday?’