Later that night, Twilight took her Parasprite back to the library.
“How come when I bring bugs in, it’s a bad thing?” asked Spike as he crawled into his basket.
“Because you bring in fleas.” said Twilight as she got into bed. “Good job with the library, though.” She had been surprised to find the library spotless. “And thanks for putting sunglasses on the stuffed human.” She shuddered. “I can still feel him watching me…”
Spike yawned as he leaned back onto his pillow. “So, is everything ready for the Princess tomorrow?”
“I guess.” said Twilight. “I mean, these little guys,” she rubbed the Parasprite’s head as it sat on her dresser, “Distracted Pinkie, so I assume the Cakes can make dessert without anyone eating it.”
Meanwhile:
“Dear?” asked Mr. Cake as he walked up the stairs. “Shouldn’t we be making dessert now that Pinkie is too busy to eat it?”
Mrs. Cake laughed as she walked behind her husband. “Oh, sweetheart. That sounded like you were talking to me. What do I always say?”
Mr. Cake sighed. “Husbands are for loving, not for talking.”
“Exactly.” said Mrs. Cake. She slapped her husband’s behind. “Now get upstairs. We have a lot of lovin’ to do.”
Back at the library:
The Parasprite flew off of the dresser and landed on a sleeping Spike’s head. It closed its eyes and fell asleep.
Twilight smiled and rested her head on her pillow. “Pinkie’s crazy.” she yawned as she closed her eyes. “How could those little guys be anything but adorable?” She relaxed and, in a few minutes, she was asleep.
Hours later:
Twilight opened her eyes and yawned. She had a great sleep and she felt completely recharged. She did, however, notice something odd.
“My blanket’s really heavy.” she observed. She looked down and saw at least twenty Parasprites sleeping on her bed.
Twilight blinked and stared for a few moments. “…I could’ve sworn I only had one of you.” she said at last. As she got out of bed, she woke the Parasprites up. They all fluttered around the room, chirping happily.
“Twilight!” said Spike. Twilight looked over to her scaly assistant and gasped. Spike was covered from head to toe in Parasprites. “Help…me…” he groaned, reaching out his bug covered hand.
Several Parasprites started knocking books off the shelves. Twilight pushed the bug covered Spike away and yelled, “My books!” She ran and attempted to stop the Parasprites, but it only made them make a bigger mess.
More Parasprites swarmed Spike. A small purple hand reached up out of the pile of bugs, only to be pulled back down.
Meanwhile:
Rainbow Dash was fast asleep in her new cloud house. Her Parasprite poked its head out of the clouds with an inquisitive chirp.
Rainbow opened her eyes and smiled at her new pet. “Good morning, Dash 2.0.” she greeted. “What are you doing up so early?”
There was another chirp and another Parasprite landed on her nose. “Another one?” said Dash. She thought for a moment and then shrugged. “Ok, I guess. I’ll call you Dash 3.0.”
Another Parasprite popped its head out of the clouds.
“Dash 4.0?” suggested Rainbow Dash.
Another Parasprite flew by her head. “5.0?” she asked, getting up. She turned her head to see a whole swarm of Parasprites staring at her.
“…I’m gonna need you all to stand still so I can count you.” said Rainbow. The Parasprites chirped and nuzzled her. “Dashes 6.0 through 25.0, please get off!” said Rainbow. She flew into the air, the Parasprites flying after her. “Leave me alone already!” she yelled.
The Parasprites chirped and landed on Rainbow Dash, forming a makeshift bug bikini.
“Hey!” yelled Rainbow. She used her hooves to try and pry the bugs away from her crotch. “I let a lot of people touch that specific area, but I draw the line at bugs going there!”
The Parasprites chirped happily and refused to budge.
Rainbow sighed. “At least buy me dinner first…”
Meanwhile:
Rarity smiled as she observed the scene taking place in her store. The Parasprites were working hard, doing things like moving fabric and sewing.
“You all are so useful!” said Rarity. “I admit that I was surprised to find that my one Parasprite somehow turned into fifty, but you’re all proving your worth. You’re much better than my sister. She doesn’t split into fifty versions of herself and she’s always whining like, ‘Rarity! I can’t help you run your store, it would violate child labor laws’.” She cheerfully rubbed the chin of one of the Parasprites. “And you’re so adorable! I could just eat you up!”
The Parasprite started choking. It’s eyes turned red as it coughed up a slimy hairball. The hairball hit the floor. Then it started to move and wings popped out of it. Soon enough, the hairball had changed into a brand new Parasprite, which chirped enthusiastically.
Rarity stared at the new Parasprite for a moment. Her face turned green and she quickly brought a hoof to her mouth. She ran for the bathroom, where the Parasprites could hear her retch.
After losing her breakfast, Rarity quickly used her magic (as she refused to actually touch one of the Parasprites again) to pack the bugs into bags. She put the bags on her back and quickly strode out of the boutique, nearly running into Pinkie as she did so.
“Rarity!” said Pinkie. “Applejack lent me a harmonica! Isn’t it great?”
“Fantastic.” grumbled Rarity. She pointed to her bags and said, “I’m a little busy here Pinkie. I’ll listen to whatever music you’re making later.”
“But it’s not music!” said Pinkie. She thought for a moment. “…Well, I guess it is music, but it will help drive-”
“Pinkie!” interrupted Rarity. “I’ve got to get this taken care of, ok?” She pushed past the pink pony. “Tell me later.”
“But what I can tell you will help you!” Pinkie shouted after her. Rarity ignored Pinkie and continued walking.
Rarity rolled her eyes. Pinkie could never take anything seriously. Here she was, with a real emergency on her hooves and all that pony could think about was instruments. How could instruments possibly help her?
Rarity heard hoof steps and looked up. Twilight was walking towards her, carrying bug-laden bags of her own.
“These little assholes bugging you too?” asked Twilight.
“No.” said Rarity. “I found out how they reproduce.” Rarity shuddered, trying not to think about it.
“You guys!” said Rainbow Dash as she flew towards them. Twilight and Rarity raised their eyebrows at the sight of the Parasprite bikini. “Get these things off of me!”
Rarity examined the bug bikini. “You know something, Rainbow? If I wasn’t disgusted by the fact that they reproduce by spitting their offspring out of their mouths, I might be interested in this.” She gaze at Rainbow’s head. “Now all you need is a powdered wig…”
“I hate to interrupt,” lied Twilight as her bag of Parasprites buzzed, “But let’s get to Fluttershy’s. She found these things; she might know how to get rid of them.”
The three ponies ran to Fluttershy’s house. Twilight raised a hoof to open the door, when it burst open and hundreds of Parasprites flew out. A few of them had Angel Bunny in their grasp and were flying away with him.
Ignoring Angel’s plight, the three ponies ran inside Fluttershy’s house.
“Fluttershy!” said Twilight. “You can’t stop them either?”
Fluttershy paused, a butterfly net in her hooves. She gestured to the bugs that swarmed her home. “What the fuck do you fucking think?” she asked. She swung the net, but missed. “I’ve tried asking, I’ve tried ordering, I’ve tried bribing, I’ve even tried seducing! Nothing works!”
“We need to think of something!” said Twilight desperately. “Can you imagine what the Princess would say if she got here and these bugs were flying around?” Her eyes widened as she imagined the situation:
Inside Twilight’s Imagination:
“Twilight!” said Princess Celestia as she got off her chariot. “It’s good to see-” Suddenly, without warning, she was swarmed by thousands of Parasprites.
Twilight could only watch in horror as her mentor was carried off, screaming, “Back to magic kindergarten! Magic kindergarten for everybody! FOREVER!”
Back in reality:
Rainbow waved a hoof in front of Twilight’s face. “I think she’s broken, you guys.”
Twilight screamed. Loudly. “WE NEED TO GET THESE BUGS OUT OF HERE FAST!” she ordered.
“And how are we going to do that?” asked Rarity. A Parasprite flew close to her and regurgitated an offspring. Rarity turned green and ran for the bushes.
“Hey girls!” said a voice over Rarity’s puking. Applejack walked over to them, dragging a wagon full of apples behind her. “Ah got enough apples for the Princess!” The Parasprites swarmed, their eyes flashing red and their sharp fangs bared. They devoured the apples and flew off.
Applejack blinked and looked at her empty wagon. “…Oh well.” she said with forced calm. “At least Ah’ve still got that basket of apples that Fluttershy was watchin’ over.”
Fluttershy laughed nervously. “Right…about that…”
Twilight gasped. “APPLEJACK! You can help us with this!”
“She can?” asked Fluttershy.
“Ah can?” asked Applejack.
“Yes!” confirmed Twilight. “With your herding abilities we can gather up all the bugs and drive them back to the forest.”
“Alright,” said Applejack, “But Ah’ll need all of ya’ll to help me.” She started to explain her plan to the ponies.
A few minutes later, and the plan was in place. Rarity and Twilight waited by the forest, while Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy waited in the air. Applejack charged at the Parasprites, forcing them to bunch together. A few of them tried to escape either by flying away or into the forest, but one of the other ponies was there to stop them. Soon enough, the ponies had a giant ball of bugs.
Applejack reared up and kicked the ball. It went sailing into the forest, where it bounced away and was soon out of sight.
“And that solves that.” said a smug Applejack.
“Except for this!” said Rainbow Dash, pointing down to her Parasprite bikini. “Why won’t they just get off?!”
“Girls!” said Pinkie, running up to the group. “Have you seen-”
“Shut up, Pinkie!” yelled Twilight. “We took care of the Parasprite problem without your help. You’ve done nothing to help us today!”
“Yeah!” said Rainbow Dash, getting up in Pinkie’s face. “I might still be wearing a bikini made of bugs, which itches in all the wrong places, but at least Applejack got rid of most of them.”
“Fine.” said Pinkie, throwing her hooves up in the air in surrender. “I’ll go find a didgeridoo on my own then.” She started walking away, but spun around. “And Fluttershy has more Parasprites hidden in her house!” She stormed off, looking annoyed.
“What the fuck, Fluttershy?” asked Rainbow, looking at the other pegasus.
“What the fuck, Pinkie?!” yelled Fluttershy to Pinkie’s retreating figure.
Twilight sighed. “How many more do you have, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy sighed in defeat and opened her door. Thousands of Parasprites came flooding out, spreading in different directions.
The other ponies glared at Fluttershy, too angry to speak.
“Oops?” offered Fluttershy.
“‘Oops’? ‘OOPS’?!” yelled Twilight. “The Princess will be here any minute Fluttershy! Why the good goddamn fuck did you keep them?”
“They’re cute?” offered Fluttershy, holding one up.
Twilight’s eye twitched. “Remind me to kill you later.” she snarled as she turned towards the others. “Now what?” she asked.
“I have an idea!” said Rainbow Dash, strapping on a pair of goggles.
“Does it involve sex?” asked Twilight tiredly.
“Not until after.” said Rainbow. She flew up in the air and whistled. Dozens of pegasus ponies appeared, all stopping before Dash and saluting.
“What’s with the swimsuit?” asked a black stallion with a blue Mohawk.
“You want to know?” asked Rainbow. “Well, it goes like this…” She leaned in close and yelled in the stallion’s ear, “SHUT THE FUCK UP THUNDERLANE!” As Thunderlane screamed and grabbed his ear, Rainbow Dash looked to the others. “Tornado! Now!”
The pegasi saluted and started to fly in a circle formation. They flew faster and faster, until a mini tornado formed. It sucked in all of the Parasprites and started heading towards the forest.
“Hey guys!” said Pinkie, walking close to the tornado. She held up a conical shaped instrument. “I found a didgeridoo!”
From inside the tornado, Thunderlane looked at Rainbow Dash and asked, “What’s a didgeridoo?”
Rainbow, distracted, looked down at Pinkie. As she did, she ran right into another pegasus, sending them both flying and hitting the others. Soon, all of the pegasi were thrown from the tornado and the Parasprites were freed. The bugs, panicked, flew towards Ponyville.
“PINKIE!” screamed Twilight. “You-”
“I know, I know.” said Pinkie, resignedly. “I fucked up.” She walked away, blowing on her didgeridoo.
Applejack groaned. “Come on, girls. We gotta go get those bugs outta Ponyville!”
Meanwhile:
The Parasprites flew into Ponyville, much to the delight of the townsfolk.
“They’re so cute!” said Carrot Top. She smirked as she looked over at Berry Punch. “How’s the herpes treating you?”
“Did I say I had herpes?” asked Berry. “What I meant to say was that I had a child out of wedlock.”
“Love you Mom!” said Ruby, hugging her mother.
“I love you too.” said Berry, hugging her back. “Now get Mommy another beer.”
From a nearby café, Bon Bon and Lyra watched as a Parasprite flew towards their table.
“Aw,” cooed Bon Bon, “What a cute little guy.”
“Yeah!” said Lyra. She grabbed a fork and stabbed a small piece of cake from the plate in front of her. “Let’s see if he’s hungry.”
The Parasprite sniffed the cake and smiled sweetly. Its eyes turned blood red as it jumped onto the table and wolfed down the whole cake. It flew away, leaving a stunned Lyra and Bon Bon behind it.
“Oh well.” said Lyra cheerfully. She looked at the fork she was holding. “At least I still have the cake that’s on here!”
The Parasprite flew back and ate the cake on the fork. It flew away again.
Lyra stared at her empty fork in horror. She set it down on the table before putting her head in her hooves. “I feel dead inside.” she muttered.
The Parasprites began devouring crops, gardens, and food from market stalls.
Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Twilight ran into town just in time to see it overrun.
“They’re eating everything!” yelled Rainbow.
“Well,” said Rarity, “It’s a good thing none of us grow food for a living.”
“Yeah.” laughed Applejack. After several seconds, her eyes widened. “Oh shit.” She ran off towards Sweet Apple Acres, leaving the other four ponies.
Twilight groaned. “There’s got to be something I can do to stop them. But what?” She gasped. “I know! I’ll cast a spell to stop them from eating all the food!”
“You’re sure that won’t backfire?” asked Rarity.
“How could it possibly backfire?” replied Twilight. Her horn glowed and purple rings of magic shot out and hit the Parasprites.
At first, the bugs froze.
Then they started eating everything that wasn’t food. Signs, houses, and light posts were all devoured by the fanged, red-eyed little monstrosities.
Rarity looked at Twilight and opened her mouth.
“Not. One. Word.” warned Twilight.
Rainbow gazed down at her bug bikini. “Why the hell are you all still sticking to me?! Go eat something and leave me alone!”
“It’s a good thing none of us sell things for a living.” said Fluttershy.
“Yeah.” said both Twilight and Rarity. Their eyes widened. “Oh shit.” they said in unison. They both ran in opposite directions.
Rarity rushed into her boutique and, if possible, her face grew even whiter. The Parasprites were eating every single outfit in the store. They swarmed the mannequins and ate the clothes off of them, leaving them bare. They ate the clothes off the racks and then proceeded to eat the racks.
Needless to say, it was all too much for Rarity. She grabbed her special fainting couch and prepared to flop down on it, only for the Parasprites to eat it as she was in mid-fall. Rarity’s head hit the floor and she passed out.
Meanwhile:
Applejack, Big Macintosh, Caramel, and Granny Smith set up the defenses for the orchard.
“No one’s going to eat the Apple Family’s crop!” said Applejack as she and the others prepared to beat back the bugs.
There was a crunch and all eyes looked at Apple Bloom, who was eating an apple. Applejack smacked the apple out of her hooves and picked up Apple Bloom. She brought the filly to the defenses and dropped her. “No one,” she growled, glaring at her sister, “Is going to eat our crop! Understand?!”
“Uh-huh…” said Apple Bloom fearfully.
The family heard a buzzing noise. Applejack yelled, “Here they come!” All five of them prepared to defend the orchard.
They did not expect the swarm to bypass the orchard entirely and devour their barn instead.
“…What?” said Applejack. “Why did they eat the barn and not the apples?”
“CaN yOU blamE tHEm?” asked Caramel. He held up a piece of wood and took a huge bite out of it. “ThIS STuff iS fucKING deLICious!” he said with his mouth full.
Meanwhile:
Twilight ran into her library and her jaw dropped open. Every single book was gone. The Parasprites had completely consumed every page, spine, and cover.
“I know this looks bad!” said Spike. “But on the plus side, the library is finally clean enough for the Princess’s visit.”
“M-my books!” whimpered Twilight.
“How do you think I feel?” asked Spike tearfully. He held up a pair of sunglasses. “They ate Mr. Miggins!”
“And Starswirl?!” asked Twilight, looking at her portrait.
“Uh, no.” said Spike, confused. “They keep looking at it and shuddering like something disgusting happened to it. Do you know-”
“YES!” cheered Twilight. “My lover is safe!” She noticed Spike’s disturbed look. “I-I mean…who knows?”
Spike slowly backed away until he got to the door, at which point he turned and ran as fast as he could.
Twilight groaned. “This is getting us nowhere. We need somebody who has experience with the forest and everything in it. Somebody we know. Somebody we met a couple of weeks ago.” She paused and shrugged. “I got nothing.”
“GO SEE ZECORA, YOU HALF-WIT!” yelled Spike’s voice.
“Oh yeah!” said Twilight. She grabbed a Parasprite and ran to the Everfree Forest.
Later:
Zecora was looking at a magazine with a blush on her face. “Oh Lexington Stallion, it may be sick, but I wish to feel your huge-”
Twilight threw the door open and ran inside. “Zecora! I need your help!”
Zecora sighed and threw the magazine behind her. “Though the door I did not lock, I wish you ponies knew how to knock.”
“Zecora!” yelled Twilight. “Bug, Ponyville, eat, Princess! You! Must! Help!” She threw the Parasprite at the zebra.
“Oh monster of so little size, is that a Parasprite before my eyes?” asked Zecora as she stared at the bug. “With tales of crops and harvests consumed, Ponyville is, in short, doomed.”
“Damn it!” said Twilight. “How do we stop them?”
“Fuck if I know.” said Zecora, pushing Twilight out and shutting the door. She turned back to the fallen magazine with a grin on her face. “Now, where were we?”
Twilight growled at the closed door. She punched the Parasprite away from her and ran back to Ponyville. She gazed up at Canterlot and breathed a sigh of relief when she didn’t see any chairots flying towards Ponyville.
“Hello, Twilight. What’s got you all worked up?” said a voice from behind her.
Twilight froze and slowly turned around, expecting her teacher’s disappointed glare.
What she did not expect was her Princess’s ass right in her face.
“It is I, Princess Butt-lestia!” said the Princess, her crown atop her Royal Rear. “I have come to-” Princess Celestia froze as she looked around. She got up and put her crown back on her head. “What the good googly fuck happened here?” She pointed at Ponyville.
The town definitely had seen better days. Parts of roofs were missing, the market stalls were in pieces, and the populace was in a panic.
Twilight sighed. “I’m so sorry, Princess. These little things,” she pointed to the Parasprites floating above them, “Were eating all the food, so I cast a spell, and then they weren’t eating food, they were eating everything but food, and-”
“Hey.” said Princess Celestia. She put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “It’s alright. These things are called Parasprites. I’ve seen them before.”
“You have?” questioned Twilight. “When?”
535 Years Ago:
Princess Celestia hummed quietly to herself as she made her way to the Royal Kitchen. She threw open the doors and said, “I’m ready for my-”
“Cake!” yelled the head chef, “Keep them away from the cake!”
Celestia stared at the scene before her. The head chef and the others were rushing around the kitchen, trying to catch what looked like several small bugs.
Celestia shrugged and used her magic to bring a small plate of cake to her. All of a sudden, one of the bugs swooped in and ate the cake in one bite.
Celestia stared at her empty plate for a second. Then she fell to the floor and yelled, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Now:
Princess Celestia shuddered. “I don’t like to talk about it.” She sniffed. “It’s just too painful…” She wiped tears from her eyes and cleared her throat. “They’re a pest, but, luckily, there’s an easy way to deal with them.”
“There is?” asked Twilight. “What?”
“Well, it’s-” began Princess Celestia. She was cut off by loud music.
The two looked over to see Pinkie Pie simultaneously playing an odd assortment of instruments as she walked through town. The Parasprites roared as they dove at Pinkie, but stopped when they heard the music. They shuddered and exploded, sending green bug guts everywhere.
“That’s how you kill them?” asked Twilight. “With music?!” She paused. “I guess Pinkie really did know what she was talking about.”
Princess Celestia nodded and gazed at Pinkie Pie. “I knew I made the right choice in choosing her…” she said softly to herself.
“What do you mean?” asked Twilight.
Princess Celestia’s eyes widened. She laughed nervously and patted Twilight’s shoulder. “Oh nothing! Just thinking out loud!” She watched as Pinkie continued playing her murderous musical melody and making the Parasprites explode. “I actually could use your friend, Twilight. Apparently, these little bastards are everywhere in Equestria. I would like her to come with me to get rid of them.”
Twilight smiled. “I’m sure that’d be fine with her. Can I talk to her for a second?”
Princess Celestia nodded. “Sure. Go ahead.”
Twilight walked over to Pinkie and tapped her on the shoulder. Pinkie paused in her playing and looked at Twilight.
“Pinkie. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. You really did know how to stop these things.” said Twilight.
Pinkie smiled and said, “It’s ok. I probably should’ve explained why I needed all those instruments anyway. I just assumed you read the script!”
“…Right…” said Twilight. She shook her head. “The Princess would like your help to get rid of all the Parasprites in Equestria. Is that okay?”
Pinkie thought for a moment. “Make an entire species extinct?” She smiled. “Sure! We can even have a party for it when I get back!”
"Hello!" said Rainbow Dash, flying towards the two. She pointed down at her Parasprite bikini. "Can you do something about this?!"
Pinkie blew a note on the didgeridoo. The Parasprites all exploded, leaving Dash covered in their guts.
"Hooray!" said Rainbow as the slime dripped off her.
Fluttershy flew over to Twilight, carefully avoiding any piles of green guts. “Normally, I would be concerned that an entire species is going to be hunted down,” she said, “But these things are assholes.”
“No kidding.” said Applejack as she walked over to them. “They just ate mah barn! And all the apples Ah got for the Princess.” She sighed and looked over to Fluttershy. “Ah’m bettin’ that they ate the basket Ah asked ya to watch yesterday, huh Sugarcube?”
“Well…” began Fluttershy. Her eyes darted around, determined not to look at Applejack. “Kind of?”
Applejack frowned. “What do ya mean, kind of?”
“Well…” said Fluttershy slowly. “He did eat your apples…”
“But?” said Applejack, her eyes narrowing.
“He only ate them…after I fed him…” said Fluttershy.
Applejack sighed. “Do me a favor,” she said to the pegasus, “And turn around.”
“Ok?” said Fluttershy, confused. She turned around and asked, “What am I-”
Applejack spun around and kicked out with her hind legs. She kicked Fluttershy right in her backside, sending the mare flying.
The wind whipped past Fluttershy as she went faster and faster and faster. Colors blurred, noises became louder and incomprehensible, and Fluttershy’s vision went dark.
Soon enough, it was over, and Fluttershy landed in snow. She pulled her head up and looked around. She was still in Ponyville, only now it looked like it was the middle of winter.
“Fluttershy!” said a voice. Fluttershy turned her head to see Twilight, wrapped in a scarf, coming towards her. “I haven’t seen you since the Parasprite incident in summer. How are you? Are you excited for tomorrow?”
“Wh-what’s tomorrow?” asked Fluttershy, her teeth chattering.
Twilight smiled. “Tomorrow’s the Winter Wrap Up!”