The pies were in place, the momentum was right, I was definitely in the mood to laugh, all that was left was to click the watch and view the feedback. I took the shortest of moments to admire my work as I pressed the button and let the prank unfold.
The first thing that happened was the flamingo guard’s hoof went flying backward, not allowing him to use it. While this was happening the hovering guard tripped over his own helmet. They both flailed their hooves, trying to use said limbs to stay upright, but it was all for naught, seeing as they both landed face first in the pies I’d placed beneath them.
There was exactly 2.76835 seconds before I burst out laughing. Trust me, I’d know.
I laughed and laughed and laughed. It’d been over a thousand years since I’d seen anything even remotely funny, so you can’t exactly blame me.
After a minute or two of laughing I stopped abruptly, going from full-on laughter to a straight face faster than you could say “what the what?”
“Now that that’s taken care of, off to see where the king has gone.” I said to myself, looking around for anything that might indicate where the draconequus had run off to. When I happened to turn my head the right direction I saw a small village. There was something weird about this village though. Maybe it was the fact that it was the buildings were made of pink beams and yellow plaster, maybe it was the roofing—hay wasn’t exactly the best type of material to put on a house. Then again, it could always be the several floating islands, purple checkerboard ground, green sky, and pink clouds that were raining brown liquid.
…
It’s definitely the second one. The only time you put hay on the roof is to figure out which way the wind is blowing, and even then it’s better to use your finger and some saliva.
‘Anyway’ I thought, ‘May as well start there! It’s as good a place as any.’ And so, I began my journey, only stopping to take a deep breath and smile.
I was free.
-----
PONYVILLE
The town I found myself in was a simple settlement. The housing was a bit funny, what with their roofing mistakes, but I spotted a few modern facilities—barber shops, fast food places, grocery stores and the like—this made me wonder why they still had such lousy technology. I dismissed it as being ‘because ponies’ and moved on.
I walked through the streets without resistance, seeing as nobody was moving thanks to my watch, and I found the draconequus fairly easily. He was sitting on a small hill with a throne and six ponies standing in front of him, weird jewelry on their persons… ponies… ponsons? Whatever. Point is they were armed to the teeth with shiny necklaces.
I didn’t see any threat here, so I walked up behind them and recommenced time.
“I'll tell you what we've learned Discord. We've learned that friendship isn't always easy. But there's no doubt it's worth fighting for.” The purple unicorn in the front yelled at him. This is when he noticed me behind them. He gave a slight smirk, only visible to those who were looking.
The draconequus returned his attention to the six in front of him, rolling his eyes as the six mares looked proud. “Ugh, gag. Fine, go ahead, try and use your little Elements, "frenemies". Just make it quick. I've got a kingdom to reclaim.” He gave me a little nod, giving me the signal to do something I always loved to do.
I paused time, did my thing, then un-paused it, watching the events unfold once more.
“All right, ladies, let's show him what friendship can do!” Said the purple one again, she seemed to be the leader.
Suddenly there was an interruption. A pink mare with fizzy hair called out to her comrades. “Wait-wait-wait!” She took a few quick gulps of the brown liquid coming from a pink cloud, jumped back into position and growled like a tiger.
The six mares all closed their eyes and focused, but to me it looked like they were constipated. I chuckled inwardly at that, making sure not to be noticed only a few feet behind the group.
“What did I tell you? It didn’t work. Now leave me before I’m forced to make you.” Discord told them mockingly. It was then that I decided to make a hasty retreat. And by hasty I mean while time was stopped.
When I was ready and in my hidey hole I clicked my watch and saw the six mares look around expectantly.
“But… it should have worked! What hap-” That’s when she looked at her friends. “Girls, where are the elements?!” I think shock was the most prominent reaction, though there was a bit of fear and anger in there, too.
“What do you mean, they’re on our-” The blue one took a look at the others, noticing that they didn’t have their shiny things. She felt her own neck only to find it bare. “Discord! What did you do with the elements?!” She flew towards him faster than I could keep up with.
“I have done nothing with them.” He told them simply as he caught the rainbow-maned mare, tossing her in the air and catching her again like a ball he was about to throw. “One moment they were there, and the next they were not.” He held her like a paper airplane, fingers around her barrel, and threw her at her friends. The mare quickly regained control and hovered above the group.
“Lies!” The purple one yelled at him. “We played your game, solved your riddle, and we did it fairly. You’ve lost, Discord. Give them back.” She demanded.
He gave them a deadpan look. “I told you, I don’t have them. If you want, you can check my pockets.” He said as his arms roamed around his body, pulling out the inside of pockets at random intervals. “Or do you want to pat me down?” He asked as all of the pockets disappeared and he summoned a wall, putting his forelimbs on said wall, his hind legs spread in the typical pat-down pose. “Truly, they’re not on my draconequine.” He said truthfully.
When I’d paused time and did my “thing” I’d stolen all of their jewelry. I was now hidden in an alleyway trying not to laugh my ass off, but I was losing the fight quickly. I decided to interrupt before I burst out laughing, breaking my cover for good.
I walked out, no longer trying to hide from them, and called out “if I may interrupt, your majesty.” I called, bowing my head as everyone looked over at me.
“Of course. What have you to say?” He asked jovially.
“Well, I would just like to know what it is these six young mares are asking for. I hear they are looking for elements?” I asked with my accent thick in my voice.
“Quite right, they are looking for the Elements of Harmony. Currently they are in the form of golden jewelry. They should not be too hard to find.” He waved dismissively. “Would you be as kind as to help them look for these objects?” He asked me.
“It would be my honor.” I put my right hand over my heart and bowed at the waste, my head facing downward. When I came up the six mares looked fairly confused and surprised. “Come now, it is getting late and I do wish to find them by nightfall.” I called to them, walking down the street away from the throne.
The six of them warily followed me, assuming I was some other trap that Discord had set up. Of course, I was no sort of trick; I was simply helping them find something they’d lost.
Once we’d rounded a corner I turned to the mares with a quick spin and addressed them. “If I may know who I’m travelling with, what are your names?” Even though they were trying to seal Discord in stone again, it’s good to show manners.
“I’m Twilight Sparkle, these are my friends: Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity.” Said the purple unicorn. As she said their names she indicated an orange earth pony with a blond mane, her Stetson leaning back on her head, the blue mare from before, who was a Pegasus if you didn’t get that from earlier, a bouncing pink mare with a love for Discords brown rain, a yellow mare that hid behind her pink mane and fluffy wings when I looked at her, and finally an alabaster mare with a violet mane that seemed to shine in the sunlight, she had a glamorous horn to complement it.
“May I say that it is a privilege to meet you all?” I said as I reached down and pulled Twilights hoof up, kissing the front of it as I would a woman’s hand. I moved to Rarity, who happened to be standing next to Twilight, kissing her hoof in the same fashion. While Twilight had blushed in surprise, Rarity smiled proudly and stood straighter, as if she adored the attention.
I moved to Pinkie next. The mare eyed me as I reached down for her hoof, but before I could grab it she lunged at me. For a split second I thought I was being attacked and reached for my watch, but when no pain came—other than my back when it hit the ground—I realized what was happening.
She was hugging me.
The mares reacted only once I understood my predicament. “Pinkie!” They called as one. They stopped when they heard my laughter.
“You have an affectionate friend, Twilight Sparkle.” I hugged her back with glee.
“You’re so nice and I need to plan your welcome party as soon as-” That’s as far as she got. I pealed her off my torso and placed her back on the ground.
“But before that, we need to find your lost belongings.” I said, patting her on the head.
The yellow one mumbled something that I barely caught. I’ve had the past thousand years to hone my hearing, what do you expect?
“I was hoping for a kiss.” She muttered quietly. None of the others seemed to hear her, so I walked over and continued my hoof-kissing.
“My lady.” I said as I kneeled and held her hoof to my lips for a good three seconds longer than the others. When I came up she was as red as a tomato and scared as a cat. I looked to the last two and they each voiced their displeasure with being formally introduced.
“Ah don’t need none of yer fancy shmancy smooches.” Said the orange mare, Applejack, as she turned away, blushing a hint.
“I’m not into that either.” Said the blue mare, Rainbow Dash, hovering near her friend.
“If you insist.” I said as I started walking down the street once more. The group behind me followed almost without hesitation. It seems I’ve shown that I’m fairly trustworthy, or, at least, not malicious at the moment.
“So, what’s your affiliation with Discord?” Asked Twilight.
“Well, what are you talking about? If we’re friends or enemies? If we’re working together? If he’s paying me?” I asked back.
“All of those, actually.” She was a nosy one. I’ll be careful to watch my mouth around her.
“Hmm… well, a long time ago we were comrades in battle. I fought for him as his champion. While he’s a fun creature to be around, his antics can become annoying after a while. I wouldn’t call him a friend, but at the same time I wouldn’t call him an enemy. We’re simply… acquaintances who’ve seen too much for their own good. All in all, he’s not the worst godlike being I’ve come across.” I explained to the mare.
“What about you two working together?” She looked up at me suspiciously.
“I would not do something to benefit him specifically.” My frown showed that I was serious, my eyes punctuated that notion.
“You seemed to know each other pretty well, back there. You even bowed to him and called him ‘your majesty’.” She kept the look on her face, seems I hadn’t convinced her completely.
“He was the first thing I met in this world. The bow and ‘majesty’ things were just me showing respect. He is a nearly omnipotent creature that could obliterate you with a snap of the fingers.” I explained.
“I see.” She was silent for a moment; I was just about to ask where the Elements might be hidden when she spoke again. “What’s your name? We’ve told you ours, and, in the confusion, forgot to ask yours.”
‘Nobody ever asks my name, even in this time period, it seems’ I thought with a chuckle. “Ok, but when you’ve been around as long as I have, you gain a couple.”
I whipped myself around, sending my coattail into the air. My left hand was hung in my pocket by the thumb and my right hand was holding its corresponding goggle lenses. I smiled as I looked at their slightly surprised faces and said something I’ve wanted to say out loud for a long while now.
“I am the Temporal Guardian, Protector of Freedom, and former Champion of Discord; I have achieved interdimensional travel and I’m the only Homo sapien on the planet. I am the Lord of Time.”
‘Pause for effect!’ I mentally squeed.
“I am… Michael Faraday.”