//------------------------------// // Episode 20 [Discord]: "Vacation" at the castle // Story: The Daily Show presents: Equestrian Interviews // by Daily Show Ponies //------------------------------// As is the case with most things, the effects of teleportation vary from person to person. Equestria is a world without humans and similarly the human world is a place without magic, so there wasn’t an exact study about how magic works on homosapians. The general rule of thumb was that side effects appear more often the older you get. The way by which a teleportation spell works is easy to understand in concept. Teleporting something small only a few feet is easier and uses less magic than teleporting something larger further away. In practice the greater the feat the more of a strain it puts on the user and the target. When something is teleported its molecules get broken down bit by bit, rearranged, and then sent somewhere else where it is formed back as a whole. And since most ponies were the same small size it was easier both on the one casting the spell and the one receiving it. The rule of older equals more difficult didn’t just apply to larger stature. Younger individuals both pony and human have a stronger immune system and sturdier frame, making them better able to resist magical side effects. In addition, most ponies in Equestria were subjected to some form of magic or another at a very young age, meaning that when they grew older they were used to it. But for someone like Jon, who was larger in mass than the average pony and quite older, having his entire body broken up and put back together had some unwanted aftereffects. Usually these came in the form of a brief stomach ache that went away after about an hour; half an hour if he got some rest. His wife Tracey on the other hand had only had interaction with magic back when she and Jon were invited to Canterlot for dinner. When she did she found that being tossed between worlds gave her a slight headache, which she didn’t think much of at the time, but when she rediscovered that same throbbing sensation in her frontal lobe she realized what her symptom was caused by. Her headache wasn’t made easier by her having to shout at her husband the second they touched down at Canterlot Castle. “Honey!” Tracey yelled at the sight of Jon running down a nearby hallway, her voice made more irritating the second time around when it echoed back. “Where are you going?!” “I’ll be back in a second!” Jon roared as he turned a corner, his voice vibrating back and forth. “I want to try something!” Tracey’s plan of having a romantic one day, kid-free getaway with her beloved partner didn’t start very well with her husband running away from her as fast as he could, no doubt to try an attempt to do something to embarrass her later. Her slight annoyance was then broken by the realization that she was now back at Canterlot Castle rather than their Manhattan home. She had been here before (briefly before heading down to Canterlot City), and in this hallway in particular, but she still found herself awestruck by the scenery. Her current location was Celestia’s version of a waiting room, where she either had a pony wait before being teleported to New York or just used as a nice, quiet area for visiting delegates and ambassadors to relax or prepare themselves, and whenever Jon felt the need to come here this is where he would end up, but unlike his Daily Show waiting room this place was beyond upscale. Structured like a small ballroom, this room was spherical with a roof that bore a painting of mythical ponies that anyone who knew basic Equestrian history would recognize, but for Tracey were completely foreign. The rounded out feature of the building’s roof combined with the mural which experimented with imagery getting larger the further it went along, giving the illusion that the ceiling was expanding and never ending. This kind of eye wizardry didn’t do much to help with her left over fatigue, so instead she moved her gaze downwards to the walls of this large room which like the ceiling seemed to go on forever. Immense size wasn’t the only thing that made this room a wonder to behold. Along with every window being stained glass artwork which bathed the room in a vibrant sunlight, the walls never went a few feet without there being some kind of lovingly carved statue propped up close to an ivory bench. Like with the ceiling, paintings, and every other form of artistic imagery, these towering marble figures were of famous historical figures, but to Tracey she just felt surrounded, like she was a pawn on a chessboard flanked on all sides by the enemy’s chess pieces... or in this case knights. Daunting though it was, Tracey found herself raptured by the beauty of just this one room, and if circumstances were to allow it she could probably stay there all day. But her headache wasn’t the only thing eating away at her, there was also the knowledge that she and Jon were here to have some alone time and perhaps wine and dine with the Princess herself, but at the moment she was by herself with no Princess in sight, or at least none in physical form. Turning her back on the many forms of artwork, Tracey walked down the small hallway that her husband had previously bolted down, and stepped into the light of the castle’s main hallway. She knew this because of the red carpet which started at the front entrance of the castle and ended at the base of Celestia’s throne. Another sign of the castle’s wealth and might were the endless rows of guard ponies on either side of the hallway which, like the carpet, began at the entrance and lead up to the throne room. She was no longer alone. “Uh… hi?” Tracey said as she weakly waved at a nearby pony guard. When he didn’t respond she assumed it was because these were the type of guards that only did anything when commanded by royalty. She may not have been alone anymore but she was no better off in terms of navigation. Along this large stretch of hallway were many other corridors that lead to other main portions of the castle which themselves branched off to other rooms and designated structures. It was then that Tracey gave up all hope of ever finding her husband who at this point could be anywhere. When she first arrived in this world she made the mistake of believing the main hallway wasn’t that large on the basis that she could see the front entrance not thirty feet away. Now she knew better with the knowledge that it was merely the doorway which divided the corridor into segments. Knowing this, Tracey opted to take a hard turn to her left in the direction that Jon took before disappearing. She doubted that she’d find him but at the very least she knew that if she continued on this course she’d eventually find herself at the main throne room where Celestia was. Once again Tracey found herself slightly unnerved. Because like the statues, the guards in this area seemed to be lifeless as they were silent and reverent. In true royal guard fashion, they didn’t speak or move but simply stood ever vigilant, to the point where Tracey would have assumed they were also lifeless stone carvings were it not for the subtle signs of their chests moving up and down in breathe and their eyes blinking. Even though she was surrounded by ponies she still felt isolated, so with hurried steps she made her way to the large, golden door at the end of this segment of hallway. There was another pair of guards in front of it who she assumed would open it for her, but like the others the two just stood still. Rather than trying to proceed, Tracey stopped to observe, not them, but the large double door structure in front of her. She doubted that she had the strength to open it, but at the moment it was the only thing keeping her from advancing. Out of curiosity she looked over her shoulder to see if anyone was coming up behind her, perhaps to offer assistance, but all she saw was the same hallway; the red carpet devoid of life, the edges cluttered with paintings, support columns, and doors to new rooms, not to mention the lifeless guard ponies whose reflection could be seen off the spotless ivory floor. Believing that she was on her own for now, Tracey ignored her instincts that told her to sit and wait and promptly placed both her hands on the surface of the golden door in front of her with the intentions to push with all her might. She was moments away from laying all her weight on her hands when something felt off. The once cold surface of the door was now warm, and it felt as if some kind of mist was engulfing it. Raising her head, she noticed that the doors were now incased in a yellowish aura that seemed familiar. “What the he--” Tracey said before the massive gateway swung open, sending her tumbling forward. “JESUS CHRIST!” Her outburst wasn’t what finally got the attention of the nearby guards, but rather it was what she had landed on. Looking up, Tracey realized what had opened the doors, and what it was that she had just collided elbow first into. “Tracey, how many times must I ask you?” The figure chuckled. “Call me... ‘Celestia.’” For someone like Tracey, who was both a part of the working class and a mother, there was rarely a quiet moment, or free time to spend with other people besides co-workers and family members, so whenever a chance presented itself to have a little fun outside the house she jumped on it. Sometimes said fun involved her and her family being invited to a lavish party or over to a friend’s house for dinner, and whenever this happened she became less of a mom and more of a drill sergeant. She would, as Jon liked to put it, nag the various members of her family to be on their very best behavior, since an opportunity like this didn’t come often and she wanted to leave a good impression so they would be invited back. Characteristically, she rarely had to worry about her youngest child Maggie who took after her mother and usually didn’t need to be told more than once to be on her best behavior. Nathan on the other hand took less after his mother and was a bit rowdier, as was to be expected from a boy his age, but once it was made clear what was expected of him and what would happen consequence-wise if he misbehaved he wised up fast. Then there was Jon. Between the free range given to him by his show and his class clown demeanor which followed him even now from his grade school days, Jon was conditioned his entire life to misbehave and cause as much chaos as possible. It was the perfect set-up. His quirky, almost childlike sense of comedy bordering on immature lured his opponents into a false sense of security, and it was only then did Jon reveal how dangerously intelligent he was. Perfect for making someone look their most stupid, but a terrible trait to have at a fancy dinner date or when visiting the in-laws. Historically speaking, Tracey had to remind her husband more than anyone else to, as her mother would put it, act his age, not his shoe size. However in this instance never had Tracey felt more relieved to not have her husband by her side to witness her making a complete fool of herself. Within the five minutes that she had been in Canterlot, Tracey found herself not only stumbling onto the ground but upon her descent from her high horse she also inadvertently half-tackled Celestia. Since all her weight was on the door when it did finally swing open, Tracey landed elbow first into her royal highness. Even though she was light in weight, her height advantage as a human was such that when she made contact with Celestia it was almost a full on tackle. Had the royal princess not been of greater stature herself, or had the genetic benefit of standing on four sturdy legs, Tracey's accidental collision would have sent her tumbling to the ground. Every guard saw this and knew it was an accident with some debating whether or not they should get involved. Before Tracey could regain her composure, Celestia gestured them to remain in their posts while using her magic to readjust her crown and royal choker. Both women were without injury and at worse were only momentarily stunned, but nevertheless Tracey felt horrible about what happened. “Oh God I’m so sorry!” Tracey exclaimed as she staggered forward to nervously wipe any dust or fabrics off Celestia’s person. “Are you alright?!” The act of touching the princess was strictly forbidden, another rule set long ago by the royals of old, so when this harmless gesture made Celestia look slightly nervous the royal guards nearby shifted their weight to look in her direction in case they were called upon to act. In truth Celestia only looked uneasy because she didn’t want her own guest to feel like she needed to worry over her. “Y-yes I’m fine Tracey!” Celestia assured her as she again motioned the guards to stay where they were. Even with the clanking of guard armor echoing throughout the wing of the castle Tracey was oblivious to anything other than her own embarrassment. “There’s no need to worry yourself-- truly there isn’t. Please calm yourself.” “Okay... o-okay I will,” Tracey responded while resisting the urge to apologize again. Taking a step back, she began to frantically wave her hand in front of her face like it would help her breathe more easily. “Just... I’m just glad no one else was here to see that.” “Ahem,” someone Tracey hadn’t noticed beside Celestia said. “Oh right, how foolish of me,” Celestia chimed as she moved to the side to show Tracey this new pony. “Tracey dear, I’d like you to meet my sister.” Following her gaze, Tracey was again surprised to see another celestial princess present in the room. Even if she hadn’t seen her once before on TV, Tracey knew enough of pony culture to gather that this was another Princess since she possessed all the Equestrian hallmarks of royalty right down to her crown and the fact that she was an alicorn. “Princess Luna,” Celestia introduced as Luna offered her hoof. “Ah yes, Jon has told me so much about you,” Tracey said as she grabbed the younger princess’ hoof, unsure if protocol dictated that she should kiss it or bow down, leaving her yet again wishing her husband was with her to help move things along. “It’s... an honor to finally meet you.” “The feeling is mutual,” Luna replied as Tracey fell on instincts and gave her a firm handshake. “We have heard so much about you as well... it is a pleasure to us to meet the spouse of our dear friend Jon.” The mention of his name seemed to echo more than usual as the two Princesses did a quick scan of the room before looking back at Tracey. “Pray tell, where is thy husband?” she asked before looking over to her sister. “Surely she did not travel here alone.” “Oh no, no, Jon’s here... somewhere,” Tracey nervously assured her while rubbing the back of her head. “He just... bolted off to lord knows where. I swear, one of these days I might lose him for good.” “Yes, that does sound like our Jon.” Celestia chuckled as she stepped to the side to allow Tracey room to walk forward. “I’m sure he will turn up eventually. In the meantime, shall we?” Following her advice, the three women began to walk down the corridor heading in the direction of the throne room with Tracey caught in between both Princesses which made her slightly more nervous. She was scared that at any moment she would do or say something that could potentially damage the relationship between humans and ponies while forgetting that they already knew Jon. For all her nervousness, she found that traveling with such a prestigious group of ponies had its advantages. The further they traveled the more recognition was bestowed upon them. Whenever they passed the view of nearby guards they would briefly break their stance by saluting and voicing their loyalty whereupon they would quickly go back to their original position. Tracey knew this was only done for their rulers but she liked to pretend it was for her as well, like she was a princess herself. This delusion was broken by the sound of Luna addressing her. “Tracey was it? Do tell, how long doth thou plan on staying here in the castle today?” she asked as the sound of another group of guard saluting echoed in the background. “We do not mean to sound rude. We only wish to know how much time we should allocate to such an important guest as thyself.” “O-oh well... thank you for saying!” Tracey giggled as Celestia used her magic to effortlessly open the doors to a new segment of hallway. “Um... to answer your question... I suppose for as long as you’ll have us.” “That is most splendid to hear! When I heard that you and Jon wanted to spend another day with us I could not wait for the chance to entertain the two of you,” Celestia chimed in while they passed another set of standing guards. “Your husband is always working hard to make my loyal subjects feel at home when they travel to your world... I could not wait to return the favor by doing the same for you.” Tracey noticed that she was starting to fall behind the two sisters, forcing her to up her pace a fair bit by quickly jogging ahead of them just enough so she wouldn't have to raise her voice. “I appreciate the thought!” she said as they passed another group of guards who promptly saluted. “But don’t feel the need to have to wait on us hand and foot. I still feel quite welcomed enough from the last time I was here.” “I’m glad to hear but I still feel guilty about not being able to join the two of you the last time for dinner,” Celestia said as the group entered yet another segment. “But don’t you worry; I made sure my schedule was completely free for your visit today. Rest assured I will be here to show you around every step of the way.” “My, that sounds... great!” Tracey said as they passed another group of guards both against the wall and guarding the door. Making a quick mental note to come back to the issue of privacy, Tracey turned her attention to the pony of whom she knew even less about. “Luna was it? Am I to assume you control the moon?” she inferred with very little effort. “What gave it away?” Luna responded in an attempted joking tone which made those who heard it unsure if she was being serious or not. “Well, your name for starters was a dead giveaway,” Tracey responded as playfully as possible to show she was trying to make nice as they passed more guards. “I’m actually something of an astronomy buff myself. Tell me do you--” Without warning something clicked inside Tracey's mind, causing her to stop in her tracks and cut short her little self-introduction. She was so enthralled with everything that was going on around her that she almost missed it the first time around. With eyes focused on opening the door a few feet in front of them, Celestia was the last to notice that her guest and was now frozen in time. Tracey was sporting a look of uncertainty and disbelief on her face like she had just realized she left the oven on. “Tracey, dear?” Celestia asked as she approached her. “Is something the matter?” But she dared not answer, for what she saw caused her such discomfort that she was at that moment mentally preparing herself for the soon to be aftermath. Slowly she turned her head while desperately lying to herself by challenging her brain into thinking that she couldn't have possibly seen what she had saw. But she knew. With her head now turned, the two sisters could not see the look of shock across her face. Following her gaze, they tried to see what was causing her such dismay only to have their eyes immediately drawn to one of the guards on the sidelines. The guard himself was not what was interesting, but rather that which was straddled atop of him. With equal expressions of shock, the three ladies were now gazing at the sight that was Jon Stewart pretending to sit on the guard pony’s back while wearing his helmet and holding his spear, doing his best to imitate the stance that all guard ponies held, complete with stern look and lifeless gaze. The pony who was supporting him however remained as steadfast as ever, but had an unwavering look about him like he was somewhat annoyed, both for having to be subjected to such tomfoolery and because he knew that, as a loyal friend, business partner, and guest of Celestia, Jon was no threat that needed to be dealt with. One by one each of them reacted to this in a typical fashion with Celestia turning her head to lightly giggle to herself, Luna slapping her hoof against her forehead after a tired sigh, and Tracey trying her best to act serious despite wanting to roll over laughing. “Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz!” Tracey scolded, her serious tone made less poignant as it wavered from her trying her hardest not to laugh. “You get down from there!” “Sorry; no Jon here!” Jon stated as loudly as he could. “Just us guards!” Along with a helmet too small to fit over his head and a spear that looked like a baton in his hands, Jon had also sported a look of seriousness the likes of which was rarely seen on him to really drive the poorly crafted illusion home. His expression however was slowly starting to give way to a self-aware grin as he was having a hard time focusing on anything but his wife’s scrunched up face. Her cheeks were puffed out like a squirrel over encumbered with acorns and were a shade of bright red both out of embarrassment and a lack of oxygen. She wanted to scold Jon more for his inappropriate behavior, she wanted to stay serious to show her new royal friends how reserved she was, and most of all she wanted to not let Jon know how easily swayed she could be. And she was losing. Bringing Jon along was always a double-edged sword for her. On the one hand he was the most likely to embarrass her but on the other she found it difficult to resist his goofy charm. He was the only man who could ever make her laugh and today was no exception. Lowering her head, Tracey didn’t notice Luna coming up from behind to try and take control over the situation after it was clear no one else would. “Jonathan, cease and desist this foolish behavior!” she commanded, now standing next to his wife. “Can’t you see you're embarrassing your wi--” Before she could finish her thought a burst of laughter filled the corridor, bouncing off walls and carrying itself in all directions, causing some of the less professional guards on duty to flinch in surprise. Luna herself had jumped so far back that her descent was lighted by her wings having spanned out for support. The source of this unrelenting guffawing came from Tracey who was now literally holding her sides and had to lean against a nearby support beam for fear that she may fall down. Celestia thought it sweet that Tracey found joy in her husband’s amusing antics while Luna just shook her head confusedly. Content with doing what he set out to do, Jon leapt from atop the pony with a smile that showed just how proud of himself he was. “Well! My work here is done,” Jon announced as his wife continued to choke on her own laugher. Placing the spear down, he then took the helmet that he had borrowed without asking and turned to face his unwilling partner in all this. “Thanks for the help my guard friend... here, you can have this back.” Without even noticing it, Jon placed the helmet back on the guard’s head backwards, covering his entire face which at this point was a concentrated expression of pure annoyance. But tradition dictated that he was not to move unless addressed, like a guard at Buckingham Palace. So he stood there, for it was all he could do. Walking up to his wife, Jon readied himself for a true scolding which would undoubtedly occur now that she was starting to calm herself. Hunched over in pain from such laughter, Tracey resembled more the sight of someone sick, which made Jon want to rub her back though he didn’t get the chance since after a quick couple of breaths she was ready to be serious again. With a flick of her neck she shot back up, coughing and gasping for air in the process like she had been drowning. With one last breath she adjusted her hair, straightened her clothes and pointed a finger at Jon for a sound disciplining. She was moments away from doing just that when her eyes caught sight of the guard with his helmet on backwards, stuck there with his morals keeping him still. It was too much for her to bear. “I still got it,” Jon complimented himself as he walked towards his princess friends, Tracey once again in the throes of laughter. Even though Luna was closer, Jon waved to Celestia first before stopping in front of the smaller, darker version of the two sisters with his arms spread. His immature behavior aside, Luna was just as eager to meet him again. “Luna!” Jon roared as he went for a hug. “So good to see you again! Did I ever thank you for saving my life?” “Many times, and it’s a pleasure to see you as well, my friend,” Luna responded, having to stand on her hind legs to meet him at his level. Quick on his toes, Jon slid his way around her like a linebacker attempting to tackle the quarterback, or in this case someone much more powerful. “And Celestia!” Jon added as he wrapped his arms around her slender neck. “Thank you again for letting us come over!” “My pleasure Jon, anytime,” Celestia assured him as the two broke embraces, giving her a good couple of seconds to inspect him up close. “You’re looking well today.” “Thanks and so do you,” he returned the gesture. “Your horn looks very... sharp?... Sorry, I still don’t know what passes for a compliment around here.” “You needn’t worry yourself, Jon,” Celestia insisted. “I don’t require praise... just seeing you here again in my kingdom is reward enough for me.” In true royal fashion, Celestia capped off her response with a graceful bow of the head while lightly extending her wings in a welcoming gesture that all pegasi knew. This show of humility also involved her closing her eyes which meant that she missed her adoring sister sneaking up from behind. “Tis a lie,” Luna whispered behind Jon’s back as quietly as the night. “If thou wisheth to compliment her all thou has to do is notice her weight loss.” Celestia was slowly making her way back up to a proper standing position when Jon, still facing the same direction, arched his back slightly and tilted his head to the side to respond back. “Thanks for the tip,” he whispered. “Got any more?” “Indeed so,” she added as she stepped to the side to allow room. “Look out behind you.” “Behind me?” Jon asked before being yanked backwards by his wife who did so by his ear. The sharp pain of being dragged off forced his body to blindly follow backwards, all the while Jon loudly voicing his dismay for it all. “OW, OW, OW, OW OKAY, OKAY OKAY, I’m sorry I’m so-- OW!” Even if Jon had no idea Tracey was still right behind him he knew only one person, other than his mother circa 40 years ago, who ever treated him like this. In hindsight, Jon should have seen this coming and probably would have had he realized the joyous laughter of his loving spouse had ended long ago. The claw-like grip on his lobe eventually ended and at just the right time, had he been subjected to any further punishment he would have stumbled over his feet and fell to the ground. Spinning around, he was greeted by the sight of Tracey staring him dead in his eyes with a look on her face that told him everything. The comedic effect of his prior jesting had long since run out. “Oh hey honey!” Jon nervously said, having almost completely forgotten she was here. “W-what’s up?” Lunging her hands forward in a quick, almost violent motion, Tracey wrapped her slender fingers around the nape of his neck in a gesture that looked like she was about to strangle him, but instead she began to adjust his collar to make him look more presentable. “Don’t you honey me!” she warned as she worked her way to wiping any debris off his shoulder before moving back to his throat to straighten his tie. “Next time you get the bright idea of leaving me alone with a pair of deities I know next to nothing about while you run off to embarrass me just remember.” “R-remember what?” Jon asked. “Remember who you’re dealing with.” She smiled as she firmly tightened her grip on his tie. With Jon and Tracey on one side of the carpeted hallway and the two Royal sisters on the other, both teams were divided perfectly down the middle, leaving Celestia and Luna with front row seats to Jon getting his throbbing ear constantly barraged by scolding. Like before, Celestia could only giggle at the married couple quietly having a sideline chat, finding their banter adorable as she rarely got the chance to see Jon interact with another human in person rather than on TV. But while she found the scene to be hopelessly romantic, Luna just thought Jon was hopeless. “She speaketh of him as her husband,” Luna commented as she tapped her hoof against the marble floor, “and yet he acts as if he’s a child.” “This may be-- but what experience do we have on the subject?” Celestia asked which made Luna look over again at the married couple with Tracey heading towards them and Jon close behind making funny faces without her knowing. “Point taken.” She sighed as their guests returned. “Now then,” Tracey said with Jon right next to her, still rubbing his ear. “Shall we?” “Yes, let’s,” Celestia agreed as she took a few steps forward and quickly motioned for them to follow. “We have so much to do today.” And with that the four of them headed towards the new segment of the long hallway where they would eventually enter the heart of the building, and from there any location of the castle they wanted. Along the way the four of them continued to converse with one another, mostly in the form of Tracey trying to rebuild her reputation by politely asking them engaging questions. Celestia was more than eager to answer any and all inquiries, her excitement for getting a chance to entertain her guests clouding her otherwise laser focus on her surroundings. She had no idea there was a fifth member of the group following close behind.