It’s just not fair…
Twilight sniffled and curled up tight when another bout of sobbing overwhelmed her. The trees encircling the freshly blasted clearing looked on from afar, cold and indifferent. She wanted to cry out for help, for somepony, anypony to fill the cloying silence and emptiness, but she knew that it was pointless. Nothing could help her. No one could help her.
Sometime later – she couldn’t tell how long she’d been crying for – the sound of hoofsteps reached her ears, slowly growing in volume.
Twilight shifted to sit upright, drawing in a shuddering breath as she did so, and ineffectually tried to wipe the dirt and tears out of her eyes to focus on the figure trotting towards her. She blinked hard to clear the stinging filth out of her eyes and let out something between a gasp and a sniffle when she saw the dark blue alicorn.
“Please tell me this is a dream,” she pleaded.
“I’m afraid you will find no solace there, Twilight. This is the waking world.”
Twilight sighed and tried to suppress another sob coming her way. She just managed to turn it into a strangled cough before she asked, “How did you find me? Did somepony see—did Spike send you a letter?”
Spike wasn’t the only one who’d noticed her lethargic episodes, but he’d naturally been the most persistent about trying to figure it out. Lying to him and everypony else that she was just tired, busy or whatever excuse she could come up with still made her ears burn. Maybe she hadn’t been careful enough and he’d actually seen her making her way to the forest…
Princess Luna derailed that train of thought when she sat on the ground beside her. “No, Spike wasn’t the one who notified me. I discovered your feeding spots not long ago, and it was a simple matter of watching and waiting for the source of residual dark magic to make an appearance again. Imagine my surprise when I found you lying here.”
Apparently, she’d not covered her tracks well enough. “How much did you see?”
Luna gazed at the destruction around them. “Quite enough, I believe.”
Twilight sniffled. “So what’s going to happen to me?”
“That will largely depend on you. Do you wish to talk about it?”
“That’s it?” Twilight bristled. How could she treat it so casually? “I’m messing around with dark magic, the same kind that Tirek used, and you’re just going to ask me whether I want to talk about it as if I’m just having a slightly bad day?”
Luna shook her head. “No, Twilight. Your situation is grave indeed. But I can also see that you have been hiding this for quite some time, and it is devouring you from within.”
“Well, it’s… it’s that.” Twilight gestured at the smouldering remains of a tree as if that could summarise her entire feelings on the matter. “I’m stealing magic from the Everfree Forest because I don’t have any stupid self-control. What else is there to talk about?”
“Tell me about it. What drove you to do something like this?”
“I… I don’t know. These past few weeks I’ve been feeling… off. I feel tired no matter how much sleep I get. It’s all so… empty and pointless. And I’m not sure if it’s the right word, but I get hungry whenever I think about magic—whenever I read on advanced spellcraft, it’s like going to a buffet after eating nothing for days and not being allowed to take a single bite. Sometimes I just can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve tried everything from Zecora’s brews to whatever spa treatment there is, and nothing seemed to work.” Twilight felt her ears flatten as she prepared to confess. “That is… until I started doing research on arcane infusions. I looked up every volume concerning Starswirl’s research on power siphons, and with a bit of thaumaturgic recombination with Sombra’s branch of magic, I found out how to, um… replicate the kind of spell that Tirek used against us. I tried it out, and… I’ve not been able to stop coming back.” She gestured at the ruined patch of forest in emphasis.
Luna put a hoof to her chin. “I seem to recall a letter of yours not long after you moved into your palace. You were unwell for a few days, but we ceased to receive word on your progress shortly after. I see now that we were mistaken in believing that you had made a full recovery. Why did you not provide further details of your ailment?”
“I didn’t want to bother you. Everypony was so busy patching up and sorting things out, so I tried figuring it out on my own,” Twilight replied. “And I also made a stupid mistake; I found a potential solution and tried it without asking or telling anypony. The first time, I tested the spell on a patch of poison joke. I—I overdid it. I killed it. But it felt so good to take in its magic, and I couldn’t stop coming back for more. I didn’t tell anypony because, well… it’s dark magic. I feel like I’m not in control of it anymore.”
“And how is your case any different from other ponies’? You are hardly the first to dabble in such things, and you will not be the last to be tempted by power. Whilst it is true that some met their downfall thusly, many have also found their way back from the brink.” Luna’s expression softened. “Even Starswirl was not above a few vices in his lifetime.”
Twilight frowned. “Well, it’s just that everypony’s been looking up to me. I don’t know what they’re going to think if they find out that I’m eating magic just like Tirek! I don’t deserve to be the Princess of Friendship. How can I honestly advise others when I can’t even deal with my own problems? I’ve messed up, I’ve—”
“Twilight, calm yourself. Nopony is here to judge you.”
She realised that she’d been shrinking away from Luna like a cowed rat whilst speaking. The moon princess stretched out a wing, beckoning her over, and it took more than a little courage on her part to nervously inch back to her side. Once she was close enough, Luna draped a wing over her shoulder and gently pulled her in. Twilight resisted at first, but Luna’s warmth somehow reassured her, drove away that pervasive sense of hopelessness, and she eventually gave in and nestled up to her like a chick to its mother.
“As I see it, you are putting yourself through a lot of needless grief and self-loathing, and believe me when I tell you that this road will only lead to destruction.”
“How do you know?”
Luna chuckled wryly. “I believe that Nightmare Moon would know a thing or two about bottling up feelings until they fester and rupture.”
“Oh. Right.” Twilight sighed. “So much for a princess practicing what she preaches. I’m an idiot.”
“No, you are simply still learning. If becoming a princess required being an immutable, infallible paragon of your virtues all the time, I’m afraid that none of us would ever have a claim to that title.”
Luna placed a hoof under Twilight’s chin and gently lifted it until their eyes met. “To err is equine, and it is understandable that you would want to keep this from the public. But at the same time, you must realise that this may not be something that you can endure on your strength alone. You have good friends, and if there is any real failure in your situation, I believe it would be in hiding from those who are in the best position to help you through this. Luckily for you, that door is still open.”
“But what will I tell them?”
Luna responded by embracing her with both wings. “The truth. You’ll find the right words when the time comes. But for now, nothing needs to be said.”
Twilight felt her tears welling up anew. Trembling, she returned the embrace and cried over her shoulder. As the floodgates opened, she felt the relief of a great weight being lifted from her back. She felt her anxiety melt away as, at last, she’d found somepony to help her hold up under the shame of giving in to her basest instincts. It wasn’t enough to fill the hollowness that plagued her, but for the moment, it was just bearable, and she felt content.
Luna had remained silent the whole while as Twilight poured out her pent up emotions, but she eventually eased her out of the embrace and began wiping her face with a handkerchief she’d conjured up. “Come now; let us get you cleaned up. You look li—Twilight?”
She stared at the alicorn’s horn. The blue aura mesmerised her with its tantalising familiarity, promising restoration and wholeness. She wanted it back… Her breathing grew heavy as she flared her own horn. Then, she heard Luna swear under her breath, and the lovely light winked out of existence.
“Sorry,” said Luna as she tended to her with hoof and wing instead of magic.
Twilight blinked in confusion. “What was that? Did I just try to—?”
“Drain my magic? Yes. You are suffering from Withdrawal.”
“What?”
“It’s the body’s reaction to a drastic loss of magic, similar to the weakness and despondency that we all felt after being drained by Tirek.”
She tilted her head. “Can’t be; I’ve gotten my magic back and not lost any of it since the attack.” She remembered reading about Withdrawal. It was a common ailment for magical beings, but the books never said anything about victims wanting to consume magic after recovering their strength.
“There is another aspect to it that is not well-documented because the circumstances leading to its manifestation are rare. You have tasted power, Twilight. The power of four alicorns infused to one body. And now, your body cannot stand the vast chasm between that and your natural magic. It is why you’ve been obsessively seeking out ways to augment your natural reserves, even against your better judgment.”
Luna seemed to know an awful lot about it, and her lack of surprise was a little disconcerting. Twilight couldn’t help but think that a lot of her trouble could’ve been avoided if somepony had just said something. “Are you saying that that stunt we pulled made me like this? Why didn’t anypony tell me?” she asked.
And now it was apparently Luna’s turn to grow nervous, for she ceased her ministrations and replied, “Partially. My sister feared that you might be affected, but we kept silent on the matter because drawing your attention to it might have induced or increased your desire to feed if it had already manifested. We grew worried when you displayed the symptoms, but at that time we could not tell whether it was due to Withdrawal or merely exhaustion after your battle against Tirek. When you appeared to have recovered, we were relieved and thought nothing more of it, not realising that you had simply chosen to… treat it in silence.”
She felt her jaw drop. “You knew this would happen to me? Even before transferring your magic?”
“No. Let us please be clear on that. The risk was present, yes, but we reasoned that it was unlikely because you were not going to possess our powers for long. But, you apparently took to our magic like a fish to water, as they say, and acclimated just enough to miss it when it was gone. In a way, it is a testimony to your natural talent that your body laid claim to our combined magic so quickly.”
Twilight scowled at the floor, clinging to the spark of indignation within her. She wanted yell at the princesses for keeping her out of the loop like that, but no matter how hard she tried fanning the flames, they died out when she realised that she hadn’t done much of a better job at keeping anypony informed about her condition. If she could make excuses, so could they. And she honestly didn’t feel up to the task of being angry at the moment; maybe she could do that later when she didn’t feel so down.
So she settled for a deep sigh and said, “Thanks, I guess…”
“I am sorry for tempting you. I should have realised that sensing my magic so close might… whet your appetite, so to speak.”
At least that gave her a less depressing subtopic to move on to. “But why your magic specifically?” she asked. “I’ve not lost control like that in front of any unicorn.”
“My power was once yours, if only for a while. Perhaps your body recognises it and wants it back.”
“So…” Twilight gazed at her elder hopefully. “I don’t suppose you have anything that will fix this? I’m all ears.”
“There is no quick solution to your problem, I’m afraid. You will simply have to endure and manage this condition. The emptiness will fade with time.”
Twilight’s ears drooped at the prospect. “But how will I do that? It feels so…” She paused when she struggled to find the right words to encompass the dreadful sense of emptiness.
“I know how terrible it feels. But if you cannot overcome your temptations – whose sources may include studying magic or coming into close proximity with sources of magic – then you may very well have to flee from them instead.”
“Flee?”
“Yes. You may have to keep away from any of your favourite activities which might exacerbate your hunger for magic, rather than engage in them and resist. It may seem cowardly, but your goal is to end your dependency, not to appear strong to others. Pride is a bitter pill to swallow, and the path to recovery may be long and arduous, but I can assure you that the freedom from this hunger will be well worth the torment to come.”
Something clicked in Twilight’s mind. “Luna, did you—have you gone through this before?”
The blue alicorn nodded. “You might recall my appearance immediately after having my powers stripped by the Elements of Harmony. Did you never wonder why I ceased to make public appearances after that party you threw for me in Ponyville?”
“Now that you’ve mentioned it…”
“After being Nightmare Moon for a thousand years, I had grown very accustomed to the immense power at my disposal. To lose nearly all of it so suddenly…” Luna shuddered. “It was one of the longest years of my life. Fortunately, Tia was there to help me to endure my self-imposed isolation from the things that tempted me most. After a few months, my body began to recover on its own, and by the end of the year, I was myself once again, albeit a little stronger and darker than before I allowed my resentment to cloud my judgment so long ago.”
Twilight remained silent as Luna’s word’s echoed into the night. She felt that she was going to need a lot of time to digest them, let alone act on those suggestions. But something still weighed heavily on her heart, and it took her a while of sitting in companionable silence with her fellow alicorn to find the right words to express it.
“Luna, there’s something I need to get off my back.” Twilight bit her lip, hesitant for fear of what she might think, but eventually decided that she’d rather get it into the open than let it chew her inside out. “You remember seeing me break that rock earlier?”
“It was hard to miss.”
“Well, I imagined doing that to Discord. What does that say about me?”
Luna leaned in close. “Go on. Surely there’s more to it.”
“Well, I sometimes feel like blaming him. If he had just captured Tirek, none of this would have happened.”
“It is natural to want things better than they are.”
Twilight averted her eyes. “Wanting it better is not what’s bothering me. The real kicker is that I’m mad at him because I feel like it’s his fault I’m now addicted to magic. Not because he betrayed all of us. My reasons are selfish, and no matter how hard I think about it, I cannot make myself care more about his betrayal than my own problems…”
“Well—”
“And there’s another thing…” Twilight paused in apprehension when she realised that she’d just interrupted her elder, but at Luna’s nod of acquiescence, she continued, “I can’t think of any other way to say this, so I’ll just say it. After Tirek wrecked the library, I snapped. I wanted revenge. I enjoyed fighting him. And I totally want to do something like that again. To feel all of that power ” – here, she raised both forelegs as if holding something immensely heavy with her hooves – “and throw all of it against my enemy to protect my home… I don’t think I’ve ever felt more – oh, what’s the word for it – more right. Alive. In control. Something like that.” She sighed and looked away once more. “And I’m afraid of how far I’d go to feel that again.”
There. I’ve said it. I’m a power-hungry, magic-eating alicorn itching for a fight.
She mentally braced herself, but the horrified exclamation or stern rebuke she’d expected never came. Silence reigned. Instead, when she’d finally mustered the courage to face Luna again, she found her gazing thoughtfully as if she was figuring out a particularly interesting math problem.
“Twilight, just how often do you get exercise?”
She blinked. “Huh? What does that—”
Luna held up a hoof. “Your difficulties may be twofold. On one hoof, you are concerned with your newfound lust for power. But on the other hoof, you might also be suffering from the lack of an outlet for stress and anxiety.”
“You mean like meditation? Cadance taught me some breathing exercises, if that’s what you mean.”
Luna smiled. “Everypony needs an outlet. My sister found hers in meditation, and it is apparent that Cadance has taught you her preferred method.” Her smile then grew into a wolfish grin. “But after hearing your thoughts, it seems that you would prefer something more… physically stimulating.”
Twilight felt her face redden as her mind explored the implications of those words. “Wait, are you saying…”
Luna’s grin faltered and twisted into a grimace just before she brought a hoof to her face. “No, that was an unfortunate choice of words,” she murmured. “Let us try that again; I meant that you may share my taste when it comes to dealing with stress. Whilst Tia and Cadance prefer to release their vexations through peaceful means, and occasion, liquors, I found a more direct outlet in sparring.”
Twilight frowned. “I don’t know… Wouldn’t that count as feeding my violent urges?”
“Oh, sparring is not the wanton violence you might have read about in Minotaur arenas, Twilight. Daring Do’s author has a lot to answer for in spreading that misconception…” Luna added in an undertone. “No, in true Equestrian martial traditions, you will be taught discipline and restraint in exercising your skill and power. If you truly desire sheer violence for its own sake as you fear, well, we shall cross that bridge when you get to it. But should you find it an effective means of unwinding, I would be more than happy to teach and train somepony who might one day be a match for me in the ring. Tia’s a worthy challenge, but she simply doesn’t favour it.”
Wow. She would never have imagined that she would one day consider getting into a sparring match with the Princess of the Night. She had never seen Luna so animated or enthusiastic before, posing in what must have been various combat stances, jabbing and swiping at an invisible opponent with hoof and wing as she speculated on the types of spells, weapons and barding that Twilight might develop a preference for.
“Of course, if you do not favour the martial arts, perhaps you might find an outlet in other sports,” Luna eventually conceded after her impromptu demonstration. “I believe Rainbow Dash would be only too happy to invite you into her realm of expertise.”
“I can imagine.” She’d be totally stoked to get back at me for those teaching sessions. Twilight smiled at the thought, then sighed as the weight of her problems loomed over her once more. “It doesn’t help me with my other issue, though. I can’t help thinking that Discord doesn’t deserve forgiveness for betraying us like that, especially after how much trust Fluttershy had placed in him.”
Luna grew pensive and looked wistfully to one side of the forest, but after following her gaze, Twilight couldn’t discern what had caught her attention, or if it was anything at all.
“Twilight, would you walk with me?”
“Umm, sure.” She swayed a little as she rose to all fours, but quickly steadied herself and pretended that an exposed root had tripped her. Despite her wooziness, she suspected that Luna wanted to show her something important, and feared that any weakness on her part might put an end the little excursion. She preferred putting up with a little discomfort than talking or thinking about the lingering emptiness within her.
As they left the ruined clearing and trotted under the dark canopy, Luna asked, “Do you believe everypony needs forgiveness?”
Twilight blinked in disbelief. “Are you saying that he deserves to be forgiven after kicking us in the back like that? I mean, sure, Fluttershy says he seemed sorry at the time, but he helped Tirek siphon everypony’s magic. It should’ve been obvious that he was helping that guy hurt ponies! How could he deserve forgiveness for that? And it was already his second chance!”
Luna shook her head. “Not deserve, Twilight. Need.”
Twilight frowned as she attempted to differentiate between the two whilst dodging low-hanging branches in the particularly thick patch of forest that they were trotting through. Luna’s silence indicated that she wanted to give her a chance to figure it out on her own, but she didn’t feel up to the challenge at the moment. Every thought about the draconequus and what he’d done created a spike in her blood pressure, particularly when combined with the awareness that his actions had indirectly led to her incessant hunger for magic.
For once, she just wanted an easy answer, so she swallowed her pride and admitted, “I don’t understand.”
To her brief puzzlement, Luna did not answer immediately. Instead, she forged ahead in the undergrowth towards some unseen goal, helpfully holding aside the heavier branches and vines so that she could follow more easily, until they suddenly breached the dense foliage and found themselves on a ledge overlooking the ravine that surrounded the Castle of the Two Sisters. Thick fog obscured the bottom of the ravine and flowed amongst the ruins, giving it the appearance of a skeletal city rising out of a misty river.
“Everfree City,” Luna announced wistfully. “Or what’s left of it.”
Twilight remained silent, anticipating the princess’ explanation.
“When I fought my sister for dominion over Equestria and my Eternal Night, I destroyed half of the castle and parts of the city in my attempt to subdue her.” She tilted her head towards the ruins in the distance, then added, “Stone quaked and crumbled beneath my power, and… there were some who did not escape in time.”
I had been wondering about that… She remembered the potion-induced vision of Nightmare Moon’s battle against Princess Celestia. Those energy blasts had caused substantial structural damage to the buildings, and to hear Luna confirm that the collapsed sections had actually claimed lives… She thought she felt a chill in the wind.
“Tell me, Twilight. Do I deserve forgiveness for that?”
She looked up and froze when she saw Nightmare Moon gazing mournfully at her with glistening eyes. She took a frantic step backwards and blinked, and Luna suddenly stood in place of the dark alicorn. Maybe it had just been a trick of the moonlight…
“Well, of course, you…” she began, but trailed off when she found that she couldn’t really finish that sentence. She had no right to speak for those who’d paid the price.
Luna averted her eyes and stared back at the ruined castle. “Tia forgave me. And though it took me a while to realise it, I needed her forgiveness to move beyond my mistakes and not constantly grieve over the past. But only just, for I will always be haunted by the ponies of Everfree whose forgiveness I will never have; I did not even get the chance to beg for it.”
Twilight stared at the ground as she pondered on her words. “So… are you saying that I must forgive him?”
Apparently, Luna had no intention of making things easy for her. “No. You are not obligated to forgive him. It is ultimately up to you to decide whether he needs your forgiveness, knowing full well that he might still squander it.”
“That’s not very helpful at all,” Twilight murmured.
“No, I suppose not. But it is the best I can do for now.” Luna sighed and draped a wing over her. “If you feel that Discord means nothing to you after what he has done, then by all means, withhold your forgiveness. But if there is some worth in granting him one more chance at redemption, whether for him, you or others, well… only you can answer that.”
“I guess…”
As they trailed off into companionable silence, Twilight leaned on Luna’s shoulder. It was late, her eyelids felt like they were made of lead, and she believed that she was going to need at the very least a full day’s rest to mentally shelf and catalogue every bit of advice that she’d been given. Fatigue washed over her in waves – each made her slump a little more and chipped away at any coherence left in her mind. She yawned, silently marvelling at Luna’s warmth and sturdiness – she’d make almost as good a cuddle buddy as Dad or Shining Armour.
Twilight yawned again…
—and yelped when she tumbled head first into the abyss. She jerked up and knocked the back of her head against something hard.
“Huh, what?” she cried, then cringed when she turned around and saw Luna rubbing her jaw. “Oh hayse—I mean, I’m sorry! I—I must’ve fallen asleep.”
Luna smiled and glanced downwards. “You sorely needed it, I would say. My shoulder normally makes a poor pillow.”
“Ah, heh heh…” Twilight grinned sheepishly when she spotted a line of drool on her blue coat. “I’m really sorry about that. I guess I really should get home. How long was I out for?”
“Almost an hour, by my reckoning.”
Twilight gasped at the realisation that she’d just treated Luna like a headrest for the better part of an hour. “You should’ve said something!”
Luna’s smile did not waver. Instead, she scoffed and waved aside her worrying with a hoof. “I would like to think that I’m capable of sacrificing a little dignity when it comes to letting my friends get some much-needed rest.” She then rose to all fours and beckoned Twilight to do the same, saying, “Come, let us be off. Can you fly?”
Stretching her shaky wings experimentally, Twilight murmured, “Umm…”
“Hmm. Best not to risk it, then. We will walk.”
Twilight nodded and followed suit.
If there was a pattern to the route that Luna took through the Everfree Forest, Twilight honestly couldn’t see it. She just seemed to have an uncanny knack for avoiding the overgrown, rocky, steep or otherwise hindering areas that Twilight and her friends frequently encountered on hoof. Still, she found the supposedly easy path enough of a challenge when she was tired, sleepy and thaumaturgically imbalanced, so aside from a few words exchanged, their trek out of the forest lacked conversation.
Once they had plodded all the way back to the shadow of the crystalline tree-palace in the centre of Ponyville, Twilight heaved a sigh of relief and gave Luna a grateful smile. “Thanks for everything. I… I really needed that.”
The princess nodded. “Rest well. I will see you again soon, and I imagine Tia will wish to speak to you herself when she hears about your excursion come morning.”
“Yeah.” Twilight looked towards the dark speck of Canterlot in the distance and sighed again when she felt a pang of emptiness stirring within her. “I’m going to have a few long days ahead of me, aren’t I?”
Luna patted her on the back with a wing and replied, “More than just a few, I’m afraid. But rest assured that they are not insurmountable. Rely on your friends to help you. When you find yourself succumbing to your temptations, you may very well find that being accountable to the ones you love gives you far more resolve than merely being accountable to yourself. It worked for me, and it might do the same for you.”
Despite her warm reassurance, Twilight couldn’t suppress a gulp when she thought of what lay ahead, waiting for her. “Okay, got it. Good night, Luna.”
“Fare thee well.”
With those parting words, Luna took to the air and vanished into the darkness, leaving Twilight alone with her thoughts. The hunger and hollowness lurked there, too, but it was partially smothered by the bone-deep weariness that threatened to plant her face-first on the ground. She chuckled at the thought of being found sleeping on the doorstep of her palace with her face plastered to the ground.
Getting the doors open without her magic presented a minor struggle, but after a few tiring minutes, she was climbing up the winding staircase to her chambers.
“Oh! Umm, good morning, Princess Twilight!” said a voice.
Twilight turned to its source and saw a young stallion carting along a basket of washed linen. His name escaped her, but she vaguely remembered that he was one of the new guys brought in to help with the upkeep of the massive palace. His chosen greeting was a silly one, though. Ponies weren’t supposed to be sleepy in the morning, and since she could hardly keep her eyes open at this point, logic dictated that it couldn’t be morning.
“Mm, good night…” she mumbled, shambling past him.
Thankfully, she ran into no other perplexing obstacles on her pilgrimage to her bed. After making sure that Spike was still asleep, she grudgingly took just enough trouble to get under the covers properly before surrendering to sweet, sweet oblivion.