//------------------------------// // Barking Up the Wrong Tree. // Story: Woundsalt, Mother Bucker. // by OneUppington //------------------------------// “... You... you...” Fluttershy stares right into my eyes, waiting for me to speak a full sentence. “You... You fucking fell for that old gambit, huh?” This makes Shy blink for a few seconds until she speaks. “Wh-what do you mean by that old gambit?” I laugh at the silly pony and point at my poem. “This is a commission I did for the orphanage! They make copies of the poem like this and give them to orphans who still hold on to the hope their parents are coming back! And it's a tradition that's pretty much dead these days but back when I was young, fellow orphans call each other brother or sister. Because if you are under the care of the Virgin Mother of Plenty, then everyone who is also under her care is...?” I open it up for Flutters to finish. “Your brother or sister...” I point towards her to say she's got it. “Shoot!” She sits on one of the couches. “Shoot, shoot and double shoot! I'm sorry, Woundsalt, but I thought I had something! I really thought I had something!” Daaaawww, ain't that adorable? She looks so cute when she's defeated. “Oh now, Flutters... Don't you see? You found something that still warms me up, and even more rarer...” The yellow mare looks towards me with a shocked look on her face. “... Someone who actually likes my poetry.” She giggles. Knew that'll cheer her up. I'm finding ponies down here laughing particularly easy. “Oh, He'll be so happy to see you!” she perks up from her slouch in the couch. “He is so sweet! Him and his... I'm going to say partner, because I genuinely not sure whether they were filly or colt. Still, very nice ponies!” Wow... well how about that? Looks like I found some more friends. Some really fascinating friends, too by the sounds of things. Plus, they got a bar! “So, where can I find Mr...?” I say as I sit down right next down to her. “Blue Curaçao, and the bar's name is-” “NOPE!” I say as I stand right the fuck up again. Her ears prick up in shock. “Nope? What do you mean, nope?” “Not going.” “Not going?” She jumps off the couch.“Why?” “Changed my mind. Not going.” “That doesn't really answer my-” “Nope. Not going.” “Woundsalt, wh-” “Can't make me. Not going.” “No one is f-” “Nu-uh. Not going.” … “Wou-” “No way. Not g-” Fluttershy put her hoof to my mouth. “I got it. Not going. Fine. But can you please tell me why you don't want to go?” I gently took my mouth away from her hoof. “Did Twilight tell you how I got my cutie mark, Fluttershy?” She gently puts down her hoof. “She did. You surged in front of some mean bull-” Her eyes open to full capacity. She cracked it. “Oh my goodness. Blue? Blue was one of those bullies?” I nod. “Him and his brother, Orange. Actual brothers, by the way. Same basket.” Added in that part because I knew she'd be confused if I didn't. She is stunned beyond belief. “Oh my... I... I can't believe it! Blue Curaçao is a honest to Luna gentlecolt, There is just no way! ... When did you see him or his brother last?” Hmm... how long ago was it now? I know Saint Diamond Heart's started handing the poem about a year afterwards... and they were there for a while but kept away from me after that... “I estimate One and a half years after me letting loose they got adopted and moved to the Ohana Islands.” “Well, that was a long time ago! Clearly Blue has definitely changed since then! He GAVE me the poem! For free! And I can tell he cherished it oh so much!” She's giving me puppy dog eyes. Well, I think their puppy dog eyes. Could be that stare thing I heard about. Sigh... “You want me to drop by and bury the hatchet, don't you?” Shy smiles. “Well, I'm not going to force you to. But by the sounds of things... You at least need to go there to see the difference.” She looks towards the floor.“You of all ponies should know that everyone deserves a second chance...” ... Oh, Princess H. tap-dancing Cadence... “Fine. But in my own time, okay? I got to find the right words.” Bleurgh! She's hugging me! “Oh, wondeful! The bar is called the SorriNa. It's lighted up on the side of the building, You can't miss it! “Uh, Shy?” “And they got some live band in on most nights!” “Shy...” “ And such an amazing atmosphere!” “SHY!” She looks at me. “Do you mind?” “Oh, you don't like to...? Sorry.” As she let's me go, one question pops in my head. “So, uh... Have you... Have you read others besides from this one?” I ask as I point at the Dove Might Be Dead. Fluttershy looks back at the frame. “Well, I borrowed Rarity's copy of The Boys From the Corner...” “I'm sorry, what?” “...The book.” “I got a book?” “Well, half of a book really. Some of yours, some of Page's, some interviews. They even had that two-way interview of you and Satchel Mouth... You didn't know about this? It's been in bookstores for about three years now.” No one told me this. Why didn't any one tell me this? Oh, wait, I remember, They don't need to. “No. Probably because all my work is copyrighted and owned by Printed Mint. I haven't gotten a single bit out of my work since the Cantelot Horn got axed.” Fluttershy is totally agasp. “That's terrible!” “That's business." I say as I drink up the coffee. "Contract made it clear.” Wow, she is even adorable when she's disgusted.“So everypony who bought that book just for you... just made Mint even richer?” I shrug sit down on a sofa. “Good thing it's only about two ponies who bought the book just for me, huh?” She softly scoffs. “Do you seriously think that's-” The door bell rings. “Oh no... Surely it can't be...” Fluttershy whispers as she looks at the clock. “He's not supposed to be here by now! Oh no! Oh no! But I told him to come round this afternoon!” “Who's not supposed to be here?” “I didn't want you to know he's in town! I mean, not like this! I wanted you to be prepared.” “Be prep- What he fuck are you talking about?” “Okay Woundsault, here's the plan. Go into the kitchen, grab one of the straws by the milkshake machine and get into the koi pond!” “Fluttershy, I want an answer to that question before I even do any-” Her eyes flickered for a brief moment to a corner of the room. I turn to this corner and see a little doggy bed, and in it, a very senile... Pomeranian... “A pomeranian?” “Isn't he adorable? My dad just got him for me. Say hi, Satchmo!” “Arf! Arf!” “Oh big surprise; Your dad got you a dog. I'll go alert the media.” “Too late. I already told everyone in the office.” “Of course you did. Now if you excuse me, I got a box of complaints to ignore.” “Hey Wound? Do you have any pets in the orphanage?” “No. Why would there be?” “Well, wouldn't that be cool? Having a pet for all your brothers and sisters? Wouldn't that be fun, Woundsalt?” “... Go fuck yourself, Page.” ... “Satchmo?” The old dog looks up at me for a few seconds, only to yawn and fall asleep. I turn to Fluttershy. She knows now that me seeing the guest is now unavoidable. She moves out of the way as I go to open the door. Yep. It's him. He may have slicked the black and white mane back a bit more, put on some sunglasses and an unbottoned shirt, but you can tell it's him. I may not tell by the fit shape of his red body. Nor may I tell by his complex cutie mark representing a printing press. However, I can definitely tell by his goddess damn shit eating grin... That what stands before me is the unicorn known as Printed Page. “Hello Woundsalt. How've you been?” ... “Go fuck yourself, Page.” “Woundsalt!” Fluttershy screams. “Oh no it's quite alright, Miss Shy.” Printed says. “It's some kind of defense mechanism he has. Whenever I say or do something that makes him a bit angry he says that. For instance, me being here. Ain't that right, Woundsalt?” “Go fuck yourself, Page.” He turns to the pegasis. “See? Look, I'm sorry I'm here right now, it's just that I need to talk to him urgently.” “H-how did you even know he was here?” He takes off his sunglasses to reveal his bright blue eyes. “You tell me that you need to reschedule a new pick up time for Satchmo, then I see Twilight and him on the cover of PMZ walking to her library... I'm not exactly Sherclop, but I can do some good deducing.” He turns back at me. “We need to talk.” "Go fuck yourself, Page." "No, seriously. We really need to talk. No amount of me fucking myself will stop us having a conversation." “I've got nothing to say to you.” “Fine then. I talk, you pretend to listen.” I smile. “Just like old times, then.”