//------------------------------// // Chapter I // Story: The Shameless First Person Self-Insert // by sbloom85 //------------------------------// I still see flashes of my former life... or lack of one to be precise. Many days were spent staring at my monitor: recording game walkthroughs, watching videos, the list goes on. If you told me that I was going to be stuck in Equestria, I would've raised an eyebrow at you, laughed and told you that you were out of your mind and that it was not only impossible to do, but it only happened in an unoriginal, cliché-filled fanfic. I was lucky to have had three jobs in my life. I was fourteen when the economy started tanking... that was fifteen years ago. Work became scarce and unemployment rates skyrocketed. The media says that those rates are falling, but what they don't say is that it's because of expiring benefits. Business owners don't help things either, as they'd prefer to either line their pockets with their dirty money or hire family or friends and not people who need the work. Students and parents had better chances of getting a job than I did... if only slightly. My parents, brother and I lived in Colorado for nineteen years. My father installed heating, ventilation and air conditioning, or HVAC, units and duct work in commercial buildings as well as the regular hospital and school. CU Boulder was among the regular schools. My mother was a massage therapist, but she barely made enough to pay for her office. She tried, but the failing economy didn't help much. She was a head cashier at Target before that. My brother tried to follow in our dad's footsteps, but with his ulceritic colitis, he had a hard time holding a job. As for me, I'm asocial and have a hard time making friends, which also made it hard to get a job. I made a few friends on my own and keep in touch with only one whenever the opportunity came up, the others I had I met through my brother. After thirty years of working the trade, my dad was faced with a choice, either retire early, or get laid off for an indeterminate amount of time. He chose the former. With his pension, there was no way the three of us could live in Colorado. Iron River, located in Michigan's upper peninsula, had a reasonable cost of living and my mom had a friend there. The downside was that the town suffered from an economy much worse than the rest of the nation. The town's economy thrived on iron mining, but that dried up long ago. There are several fast food joints; a few diners; a couple of drug stores, a few grocery stores, some gas stations, which were probably operated by the same family, and not much else. As far as entertainment goes, the sole theater in town, which only showed one movie twice a day, shut down because the managers couldn't afford the upgrades, now the nearest cinema is sixty miles away. There used to be a bowling alley, but the owner let it burn to the ground, collected the insurance and took off. There's also a casino thirty miles away that we go to once a month. We normally win enough to have lunch and walk away with what we go in with. Other than that, there isn't much to do. It was a cold winter day in Iron River and I was walking into town to look for work. Well, that was the idea, anyway. The town was so heavily wooded, nobody would've seen me get zapped away, or heard me screaming as I got zapped. When I came around, I found myself in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night it looked like. As I got my bearings, I found myself at the receiving end of the blunt end of a spear. I came around again and found myself locked up in a dungeon. Enough about my life story... it's time for the interrogation. I was dragged toward the throne room by a pair of unicorns, my wrists bound by some kind of energy barrier. Since it was a unicorn who put it on, I imagine it's a magic force field. I looked out a window and it looked like it was a bright and sunny morning. The door opened and I'm placed maybe twenty feet away from a winged unicorn. I had never actually seen a unicorn or a pegasus for real before last night, much less a winged unicorn until now. I know it's rude to stare, but I couldn't help myself. You would too if you saw a creature like this for the first time. “What are you?” It asked. Wait a second... it had a feminine voice, definitely had the body... definitely female and she spoke English? Not wanting to make her wait, I cleared my throat. “I'm a human, ma'am.” “You will address her as 'Your Majesty'!” A guard yelled at me. He smacked his spear against the back of my knee, forcing me to kneel. What hurt most wasn't the knockdown, but rather the impact against that part underneath the kneecap. That hurt like a son of a bitch, but I managed to only let out a low groan. The winged unicorn flared her wings and had a pissed off look on her face. “Enough! He is a guest, and until he acts aggressively, we shall treat him as such.” The guard bowed before her. “O-of course, Your Majesty.” She looked at me and let out a quiet sigh. “Forgive my zealous guard. What is your name?” I gave her my full name, Scott Charles Bloom. “But please, call me Scott.” Apparently her name is Celestia and her title is princess. My god... I'm actually there... I'm in Equestria. I'm in a cartoon world. Should I tell her that I have extensive knowledge of their world, of Twilight Sparkle and her friends? Unless the subject came up, I better not. I didn't even want to know what she'd do if I told her I liked her sister more than her. The questions continued: Where are you from? Earth. How did you get here? I don't know. How many of you are here? As far as I'm aware, I'm the only one. Why are you here? I don't know. How long will you be here? I. Don't. Know. “Are you a threat to us?” She finally asked. That question didn't surprise me. I looked around the room, taking in all the unicorn and pegasus guards and I shook my head. “No, ma'am. As there is only one of me, and...” I pause, taking a head count. There were two unicorn guards directly in front of the princess; two pegasi flanking her; three unicorn guards on either side of the stairs leading up to the throne, two unicorns standing either side of me and two unicorns behind me at the door, “fourteen of your guards, there's no way I can do any harm even if I tried.” She nodded. Her horn lit up and my bindings were gone. “Thank you, Your Majesty.” I said in appreciation as I stood back up, despite the fact that I'm surrounded by unicorns with spears trained on me. Now she's glaring at me. “Do not make me regret this decision.” She warned, looking at the guards that surrounded me. “Stand down.” She ordered. Thankfully, they did. “I will have a proper room readied for you.” She added, giving me an odd look. “Have you eaten anything since last night?” Maybe a couple of seconds after she said that, my stomach started yelling at me. I glanced at my stomach, then back to her. Apparently she found the grumbling humorous. “I'll have somepony fix you something to eat.” She offered. “What do you eat, exactly?” “My species is omnivorous, ma'am.” She raised an eyebrow. “We can eat meats, fruits, vegetables, nuts, berries, herbs, spices, dairy products, the list goes on.” She nodded. “Well, we don't have anything to offer in the meat category, but judging from your list, you should have no problem with any food we offer you.” My body jerked a bit, causing me to almost lose my balance. The guards reacted by retraining their spears on me. “Son of a bitch...” I whispered, shaking off the convulsion. Celestia gave me a worried look. “Are you alright?” I shook my head. I should've told them about it earlier. Had I known this was going to happen, I would have taken my medicine with me. “I'm not sure if you're familiar with epilepsy, it's a neurological disorder. The brain runs on a form of electricity... basically if there's a misfire-” Black out time... I came around once again, lying on my back on the stone floor, looking up at a worried sick Celestia and some guards. “That happenth...” I finished with a weak smile. My tongue is sore... of course I'd bite it. I wiped my hand on my face to see- yep, I bit hard enough to bleed again. This was going to be a fun recovery... Celestia powered up her horn again and surrounded me in her magic aura. I felt a little better, my tongue was still swollen and my body was still a little stiff, but not bad enough to keep me from getting up on my own, though. Celestia and her guards couldn't help but stare. “Are you sure you should be getting up right now?” She asked with an understandably worried tone in her voice. I shrugged. “Probably not, but I did it anyway.” Celestia shook her head and looked to the guard just to her right. “Go to Canterlot General and find somepony who specializes in neurology.” She ordered and the guard quickly left. “Let's get him into a guest room right away.” A pegasus guard and Celestia escorted me to a room. I sat down on the bed and I gestured for a pen and paper. Celestia floated a quill, ink and some parchment over. I took the quill, dipped it slightly in the ink and began writing. I may need a bucket, just in case. Celestia nodded as I show her the note, but I raise a finger and continue writing. It's going to be difficult for me to talk for a while, much less eat anything, so I'm going to be on a liquid diet. She floated the amended note to her, looked it over and nodded. “Of course.” She showed it to the guard and gestured him to get a move on and get it done. “Yes, Your Majesty.” He saluted her before he bolted out of the room. Celestia turned her head back toward me and floated the note back, she closed her eyes and let out a sigh. “Forgive us, Scott. We weren't sure about you and-” I re-dip the quill and amend my note. It's quite alright, princess. I'm an alien being and it'd probably be the same way if the roles were reversed. I shook my head. That isn't completely accurate. We are a barbaric and xenophobic race and should one of your own enter my world, it'd be rare to find someone who wouldn't freak out. I showed her the amended note and she gave me another glare. I couldn't say I blamed her. Even creatures I would've thought to be just as barbaric in this world proved to be just as civil as the ponies themselves. I amended my note one more time. I hope to prove that I'm that rare example. She turned around and started to leave and I thought of one other issue. I cleared my throat to get her attention and I made one more addition. To be safe, you may want to quarantine me. I don't want you or your citizens to get sick because of something I might be carrying. Once again, she smirked. “It might be a little late for that. Relax, Scott, I'll return when your meal is ready.” She left the room and closed the door behind her. I slipped my shoes off and laid my legs on the bed and stretched out. The bed was beyond comfortable and it was short enough for my legs to hang off. I don't know why, but I felt better that way. A few minutes later, I heard a knock on the door. There goes my perfect comfy. I stood up, walked to the door and opened it. On the other side was a unicorn maid holding a bucket with her magic. She looked terrified and I knelt down to her level. I extended my arms and she gave me the bucket. I smiled and nodded and then she took off. Thankfully I never needed it. About one hour later, Celestia returned with a glass full of what I presume is my dinner. She looked at the bucket, saw that it was empty and gave me a smile. “I'm glad to see it's still clean.” She closed the door behind her and trotted to me and floated over the glass. “It's a fruit mixture with some milk and a touch of nutmeg. My favorite.” I took a swig of the smoothie. Definitely delicious. Better than anything you can get back home, that's for sure. I smiled at her and nodded. She turned back to the door, opened it and looked back to me. “You can set the glass on the dresser. A maid will come in and pick it up tomorrow. I'll have somepony give you a basic tour as I'll be quite busy. Have a good night, Scott.” I nodded and she left the room. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what happened. One minute I was walking into town, the next... I'm here. If there was one thing I knew for certain, it was that I had to find out how I was brought here. My primary suspect was Discord. I'll have to talk to him later.