Well, we’ve certainly come far in this tale of a human lost in a pony world. I thought I might explain the circumstances of why I wrote this story in the first place.
The original idea of this story was inspired by, believe it or not, Cupcakes. That’s right. when I first read the story, I was rather upset. and then I wondered, what if there was someone there to rescue Rainbow Dash? then I asked, who could slip out of Pinkamena’s restraints. someone with hands. A human.
the idea behind “The Man With Two Names” began with one scene In my head: A human, holding an injured and unconscious Rainbow Dash, escapes from pinkie’s torture chamber, and runs away. Pinkie, in fear of her secret being revealed, claims that the human tried to kill Rainbow Dash, and sets all of Ponyville after him, without a chance to explain himself (you can see this in the later chapters). It’s also sort of the reason why RD and Pinkie aren’t really present in the story, because in my mind palace there still off in the original cupcakes-esque first draft of the story, Pinkie chasing around First Draft Jerry around, while he carries a wingless rainbow dash.
Jeremiah Walker was originally going to be a gruff butcher. the story was simply going to be called “the butcher”, and it started a little like this:
I knew they wouldn’t like my answer. As long as I kept my past to myself, it was A-okay. What they don’t know won’t hurt them. I elected to not tell Twilight, the first talking thing I met in this strange world, and my closest friend here. She never asked. She was too busy showing me around this new world, showing me Ponyville, introduced me to her little horse friends. She helped me adapt, gave me a place to stay, and was even lining up a job for me.
Then she wrote about me to the princess, about a week after I wound up here. She was fascinated about hearing a report about such a strange and intelligent creature (her words, not mine), and requested my audience in Canterlot. It was a great affair, dining with royalty, and Twilight beside me, I was almost begginning to forget about home, and all the things I missed. Friends, family, meat. Haha, well I’d learn to live without meat now. And then the princess asked me what I did on Earth for a living. That’s when it went down hill.
In retrospect, I probably should have just lied to the princess, told her that I was an insurance salesman, or something non-threatening to ponies. Declining to answer, I learned, leads to extreme curiosity, which in turn leads to prying. And unicorns prying lead to memory viewing spells. Idid my best to turn the conversation to other matters, but Celestia grew insistent, threatened if I wouldn’t speak, she would have me pinned down, and a memory spell forced upon me. All conversation had stopped and the focus was solely on us. I told Celestia she wouldn’t like what she saw. But she touched her glowing horn to my forehead.
There are no words that could possibly justify to them what I did for a living. To me, I was just a butcher at a supermarket. To them, I systematically mutilated dead bovine in a murder factory, from 9 to 5, Mondays through Saturdays. Taking the dead bodies of their friends, and tearing and cutting and grinding until there was nothing left but little slabs, and raw sausage. strings of innards, bloated and tied off in sections, like an unraveled balloon animal.
after a minute of silence, her eyes opened she jerked away, and ran to a bathroom and we heard her wretch. The murmur quickly rose again, and twilight looked at me frightened. The color drained from my face.
“What did she see?” she asked.
“bad things, Twi…” I said. I couldn’t bare to look at her. They knew now. It was only a matter of time before the second life I was building here vanished. Here, I’m easily ten times worse than a cannibal. I’m a monster. If they didn’t outright kill me, I’d be thrown into the woods no doubt, and left to fend for myself.
“GUARDS! Get that animal away from anything sharp, and anypony he can hurt RIGHT NOW” Celestia’s voice reverberated throughout the hall. I looked up. There was a beat of silence before I felt myself tackled by guards. I was man-handled, and thrown into a small room, and magically restrained against the wall. The guard with me seemed as confused as everyone else. Another guard entered after a few minutes, had a whispered conversation with the white armored unicorn restraining me, then left. we spent another moment in silence.
“any reason in particular why yer brain’s so bucked up that the princess can’t stop screaming bloody murder after she saw your thoughts?” he finally broke the silence. I never stopped and wondered how fitting that idiom could be. “ya aint’ Cthulu er nothing are ye?” he added after a moment. I couldn’t help but chuckle, in spite of the grim fate that was now unfolding.
“last time I checked, no.” I said. So ponies had H.P Lovecraft. Who knew?
“heh he. Finally, a prisoner with a sense of humor for a change. But in all seriousness, what did she see that was so bad?”
“what’s the worst possible thing you could ever do in Equestria”
“you mean in a social situation? probably whatever just happened back there”
“no, I mean criminally,” the guard thought for a moment.
“probably rape a bunch a folk,” he answered
“okay, nowhere near that bad. Well kinda, no wait!”
But then, I started thinking about HiE’s, and I became determined to write one that breaks the mould. One where the main six don’t take kindly to the human, where the deck is stacked against him. Where the human wasn’t the narrator, but the ponies that saw him as a strange animal. I was heavily inspired by “Hands” (at least the first few chapters), but I wanted to add social difficulty as the main conflict instead of romantic tension between the main character and Twilight (and then Fluttershy. I kind of stopped reading at that point).
So here we have the story you all came to know and love. Inspired by Cupcakes, Hands, Shipping Goggles, Finding Your Voice. Also tangentally inspired by “Invisible Man” by Ralph Ellison, Othello, Wolfmother’s song “vagabond”, and all the bad HiE’s i’ve ever read.
The original ending to Chapter four was pretty damn terrible:
The Farm Hand (Applejack)
When suddenly, A sobbing cow came barrelling through the crowd. It was Daisy. she ran up to me, blubbering and sobbing, and I couldn’t make out a single word coming out of her mouth. Everypony was staring at her, and the human too. I pulled her aside, removed “Daisy! Whats wrong?”
“Oh Applejack, It’s terrible! Moobella, she- she...” Poor Daisy’s wailing became incomprehensible.
“What’s wrong with Moobella?” A spike of panic shot through me. Moobella, bless her heart, I’ve known her since the day I was born.
“She was sick, and then she just died!” She descended into histrionics once again. I bowed my head, and removed my hat, then just gave Daisy the biggest hug I could muster. Some ponies who had known her also bowed their heads, their friends asking who the deceased was. Applebloom’s bow became droopy. I saw Lyra frantically scribbling, the human whispering back. I put it out of my mind for now.
“Well, I’m going to help with the arrangements, you hear? Good ole Applejack will take of all this for ya. Ah’m mighty sorry, and ahm gonna miss her.” I kept consoling her, patting her neck for quite a while. Ah hate for her to be making a scene like this, but hay, a pony’s gotta do what a pony’s gotta do. And I’m responsible for everything on this farm, from the ponies to the trees to the cattle. Big Mac glanced at me, and I nodded. I was going to be taking the rest of the day off to help Daisy and the other cattle through this. I began to lead Daisy back to where Moobella had passed away.
“Excuse, Ms. Applejack?”
“What is it?” I spun around seeing the human, tapping his fingers together.
He seemed to have lost his tongue. Lyra gave him a reassuring nudge forward. “Um, could I speak with you in private for a moment?”
“Ah’m kinda busy, right now, a’ve got personal matters to attend to.”
“It’ll only be a moment.”
The human fidgeted in anticipation, Daisy was in a heap sobbing hysterically. I sighed. “This better be important.”
we walked a little ways away. far away enough where we could whisper and not be heard, but close enough for everypony to see if he tried to eat me. I spied the knife tucked into the boot, and wondered how many birds he’s killed with it.
. “As you may know, I have... certain dietary needs, in order to stay healthy. I haven’t exactly been getting all of my regular nutrients since i’ve got here. I’m starting to feel it.”
I wasn’t interested in hearing about his hunting expeditions. “Cut to the chase. I ain’t one fer beating around the bush.”
“This cow, Moobella. Well, I would gladly give up my day’s salary if you were to give me her body.”
I felt bile rise in my throat. “WHAT?”
His resolve seemed to die out. “Um... Well, you see-”
“And what exactly do ya plan on doing with her?” I shouted. Everypony was looking at us now. He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off again. “Ah don’t suppose you’d be planning on giving poor old Moobella a proper burial, would you?” I jabbed my hoof into his gut. He quivered.
“Applejack, wait a minute. She’s already dead, what’s the harm?”
“What’s the harm? What’s the harm? You damn well know what’s happening. You got a taste for bird, and now for cow. You’re just working your way up to ponies, Arent ya?” This was his plan, wasn’t it? Wait till he finds an equine all alone?
“Wait! That’s not what’s happening-”
“AJ, whats wrong?” Big Mac came galloping up to us, as well as some of the burlier stallions.
“This thing just asked me If he could eat Moobella! this sick, carrion eatin’ omnivore that you let on our farm!”
The eternal calm of Big Mac’s face vanished, leaving him wide eyed. “Jeremiah, is this true?”
The human bowed his head, and looked mournfully back at him.
I felt myself on the verge of tears. I couldn’t take this any longer, I was going to do what was best for my farm, for my family, for the cattle and everpony working here. “Get out. Stay away from my farm, ya here!?!” My voice was breaking.
“But, I’m your best worker! You need me! You said so yourself!” The human dropped to his knees, pleading in his eyes.
Big Mac shook his head solemnly.
“Please, let me keep working here, please! Can’t we pretend this never happened?” With everypony hearing? I don’t think so. He was only enraged by our silence, showing himself for the animal he was. “God Damn it! You realize how much your screwing me over?”“Did yah not hear me? Get out before I hafta buck you out of here. And don’t you dare set another hoof anywhere near Sweet Apple Acres!” I leered at him, trying with all my might to emulate Fluttershy’s stare. The human returned it, with a world of pain and anger in his eyes. I returned the gaze, and for a tense moment, I thought he was gonna pull that knife of his out. He finally broke away, stalked off, and made his way to the exit.
He walked down the trail shouting curses and profanities. I spat on the ground. Good riddance. The human swiveled, and started walking backwards. At the same time, he lifted both his arms up into sky, and balled his fists, leaving the centermost digits on each hand protruding upward. He aimed the gesture right at me. Just as quickly, he turned back around and headed around the bend. What the hay is that supposed to mean?
It didn’t matter. I went back to Daisy, and led her back to the her ranch.
Lucky’s chapter also had a few alternative dialogues that I decided to cut.
"So, how is that fillyfriend of yours doing? what's her name again? Libra?" Rarity asked
"Lyra and I are fine."
"Really? because I haven't seen her stop to visit recently."
"We eat dinner at her house."
--
“I’m not one to Intrude in Lyra’s personal life, but if that’s the reason why she’s been hesitant to talk to you., then i’m going to have a talk with her.”“you would do that for me?”
“i’ll make sure that she sits down like a grown Pony, and has an adult conversation with you about your feelings. i’ll have her drop by tommorow”
The Applicant (Mayor Mare)
“Why the hell does a god-damned animal ask to become part of the town?”
“Why not just, I don’t know, tell him he has to go someplace else?”
“But Ms. Twilight Sparkle, mentee of the princess of Equestria, advised me to relocate him to the Everfree Forest. Now that seems like a great solution, but then you realize that he would be killed by an actually vicious animal. All he’s done wrong is kill a chicken. There are far worse things in this world. I’m not sending him to his death just because Fluttershy lost one of her chickens. Do you know how many chickens this pony has?”
“A lot?”
“So many, we stopped trying to register all of her pets years ago. Besides.”
The guest (Bon Bon)
Officer Stamgard trotted onto the scene fifteen minutes after I made the call. Of course, by that time, Lucky was long gone. He’d woken a few of the neighbors, and the police pony took the time to get statements from all of them, after he listened to me. He trotted back and sighed. “It looks like we’re going to give him a citation for Drunk and Disorderly.”
“Can’t you arrest him? He’s been harassing us for months.”
“we’ve already booked him once on assault charges against Lyra. At this point, I think you’re best option is getting a restraining order. Still, I’ll go over to Lucky’s and give him a warning.”
---
Lyra is by far the most expressive pony i know. she has to be, if she wants to be
understood. Of course she has her pen and notebook, but she really only uses it when she is having a conversation with a stranger, or needs to be particularly elaborate. she hardly ever had to raise her pen in my presence; over the years spent with her, i grew able to intuit whatever she means to say. i often find myself playing interpreter. you could almost say my voice is hers.“Lyra, nothing good will come of this, you know that?”
she rolled her eyes, and turned back to the task at hand.
“Lyra, are you even listening?” i was getting mad now.
she put her hoof to her ear and leaned towards me, feigning deafness.
What? can’t hear you!
“Lyra!”
The Assistant (Lucky)
I kept on getting stuck on the scene, and I didn’t know what to do, so I just wrote anything that came to mind for a while. This is what happened.
I stumbled backwards, as I felt my snout throb horribly, as I felt blood flowed freely. “God damn it, Lucky, god fucking damn it! I thought you were my friend. I thought you wanted to help me.” I caught a glint of a tear in his eye. “Then you just fuck me over, like every one of these god damned ponies. I thought you were different, you bastard!”
At that moment, a beam of fiery light piled onto to Jerry from the morning sky, and I was momentarily blinded by the flash. Was he being burned alive? No, he was bathing in the inferno, laughing, letting the flames cleanse him of his mortal weakness. I saw as his skin and clothes burned off, revealing the reddish skin of an imp below. He pulled the skin off of his hands like a glove, revealing needly claws, black as iron. He tore the skin away from his face, and cast it away. It lay crumpled on the street like a fleshy burlap sack. I stared up in horror, as bat wings extended from his back, and I saw him for what he truly was. Crooked, goat horns protruding from his temples, and long canine teeth that protruded all the way down to his chin, interlocking with the bottom teeth in a way that looked like crossing sabers. He had evil yellow eyes. Jerry laughed in booming, demonic voice.
“Pathetic mortal. You discovered my true nature. Few ponies sought reasons to fear my disguise, but only you saw through the truth. You are a clever pony. I’ll be sure to kill you last.” He waved his hand flippantly, and the beam of light evaporated into nothing.
I backed up, stammering. “You’re a… A…”
“An Incubus. I have come to bed all the virgin mares of your town, and then feast on their succulent flesh.” He licked his lips, only to sever his tongue on his razor sharp teeth. It laid wrigginlg on the ground until he picked it up, and reattached it to the bottom of his mouth. the flesh rejoined with a terrible hiss.
“You bastard! I’ll Kill you!” I pulled my trusty stake from my tool belt. I carved it out of the finest oak tree. I found it growing over the grave of a saint. For extra demon slaying power I misted it in garlic-infused olive oil daily, and taped it to a sawn off shotgun. I put the whole contraption in my mouth and charged heroically at the Incubus. “Stay away from my Lyra, you minion of Discord!!! And maybe Bon Bon too, I guess.”
He swatted my weapon away, and lifted me up by the throat. “Fool! I am no minion of Discord. I serve none but Korrak!” He proceeded to projectile vomit corrosive acid at the house. It ate away at the wall within seconds, revealing two ponies slumbering peacefully in their room.
“Really?”
“Actually, not really. I’m just a normal human, who’s trying to find his place in this world.” I found myself back on all fours, looking at Jerry, as I had known him for the past two and a half months, normal as can be. Damn, I really needed to stop huffing paint on the job. “Can I show you something, Lucky?”
“Uh, sure, I guess.” I looked back up at the house. The front wall was still missing, and there were blackened edges smoldering. I elected to not give the sight anymore thought.
Jerry produced a composition notebook, stuffed with post-it notes and worn binding. “I’ve been writing this, in case any other humans find themselves in my situation.” He handed me the book, and I read the title, Jerry’s declassified Equestria survival guide (for wayward humans) . I took a peak inside the first page. It was taken up by one sentence, written as large as possible. 1). Don’t kill Fluttershy’s Chickens.I whirled around, and delivered a buck to his stomach, he grunted, and fell against the wall. The wall that just so happened to be part of a certain Pokey Pierce’s house. “Listen, you greasy morlock. You’re in for a world of hurt.”
The Dreamer (Luna)
I found his dreamI galloped after him, the dreamscape behind me crumbling into the blackness of unconsciousness. I followed him through a forest. What was this madness? It was too clear, too coherent to be a true dream, and yet, it was too awful to be anything but a nightmare. I followed the odd creature through the forest. Was this the dreamer? He was neither walking or running, but seemed to float forward. The dreamscape of the forest was unconstructed; there was nothing visually to indicate it was a forest, but it merely gave the impression of one. but there was a naked, brutal fear harbored within the darkness.
--For the life of me, I couldn’t conceive of why ponies would treat any creature like that. But what truly disturbed me was
imagine why someone might fear Twilight Sparkle, unless she knew them to be a villain. I supposed that she somehow knew of Walker’s fight with his brother. But I doubt she would find such a deed worthy of execution, when she had spared me. But what truly disturbed me was how everypony refused to help him. It sickened me to no end to even think that ponies would let a creature be killed in perverse sense of justice. For the third row in a night, I entered the human’s dream.
Then the human was in a bed, in one of the many tudor houses of Ponyville. The human hopped out of bed and looked out the window.The house laid atop a hill, with nearly vertical slopes. There was a nearly a forty foot drop to flat ground, where mobs of ponies, waiting with torches and pitchforks, waiting in silent anticipation. The human went out onto the slope, to try to explain himself. He tried to explain how he was harmless, how he wanted to fit in. The ponies would hear none of it. They climbed up the slope to grab him, but it was too sheer. So they jumped, and tried to grab him. the human tried scrambling back, and nearly took a tumble into the crowd. He managed to scale the sheer cliff, and climb back into the bedroom. He hid his head under the covers.
The Shut-In(Derpy)
The next day, Lyra came knocking.
Have you seen Jerry? We were supposed to have lunch today.
“Jerry? Oh, he’s out of the house with Lyra.”
She raised an eyebrow quizzically.
“Um, is there a problem?”
I’m Lyra. And I don’t know where Jerry is.
“Oh.” Suddenly the realization dawned on me. “Aw ponyfeathers.”
Derpy, Where is he?
--I hopped outside, and stumbled upon Jerry humming and hawing, as Oatmeal was yelling at him, having him pressed against a wall. “Waitt!” Just then, I activated my secret cutiemark, and and turned into a gigantic phoenix bird, my fake bubble cutiemark peeled off as I flew toward the two at mach two speed, I could feel the sonic cone forming around me, I tumbled into them with so much velocity and reversed time to right before I made impact, and I screeched to a halt.
“Can you believe It? He just up and galloped after you two! I swear he was by far the worst date I have ever had! The next time you see that stupid repair pony, you tell him he isn't worth the mud I scrape off my hooves.”She let off an irritated groan and marched off, muttering something about the dating pool.
Jerry glanced at me helplessly.
I raised an eyebrow. “What was that all about?” I asked him.
“I guess I'm not the only one on bad terms with Lucky,”he said before donning his hat once more. “Let it be known I've already blown my disguise once before.”
The Signator(Spike)
“Spike, people have tried doing what you are back where i'm from.”
My eyes brightened. “What happened? Did they become full citizens?”
“Yeah, but it was a long fought battle. It took at least a hundred years, and it's still not quite over. I don't want to martyr myself for a cause when I just want to be back home.”
“ You're stil worried about Twilight? She doesn't even have the authority to kick you out! She's just acting as mayor Mare's advisor.”
“Then where does the princess fit into all of this?”
“She's the one that told Twilight to act as an advisor.”
Jerry frowned. “I'm not understanding this whole chain of command.”
“That's not important right now.”
the Patron (Twilight)
I mean, I heard some stories from other ponies, but that was nothing to base a decision off of.
Just let it be known that my lack of crucial information was not due to my lack of research. Far from it. I spent days looking up humans, and I did everything within my power to gather all the facts, and I found nothing of use.
I didn't think that it would be safe to stay there and ask him questions. I was concerned he might be dangerous. This creature ddidn't even know he got into Equestria in the first place. I thought it was some sort of trick from Discord. Now, I'm not so sure.
Well, I actually did speak with the human. It's in my report.
could barely find any information.Would you like to see my notes? I actually have been writing a report on the human, as well. Well, I didn’t get a chance to interview him. Okay, well that’s not exactly true. I’ll amend that. I did conduct a precursory interview.
The Criminal (Luna)
Remember Luna, calm, but intimidating. don’t use the royal canterlot voice. let your appearance do all the hard talking.
“are you the one they call ‘Jeremiah’?” Inwardly i faced-hoof. of course he was. he was the only known human in equestria for the past 50 years. but i remain composed.
“that’s me.” he was gazing out a window, facing away from me.
“The charges against you are the willful assault of Lyra Heartstrings and Lucky Stars, and the murder of Pokey Pierce.”“i didn’t hurt lyra,” he said.
“DONT TRY TO DENY YOU’RE CRIMES”
“Can’t.” the human didn’t even look at me. instead he was gazing out the window. i was taken aback. my intimidation had elicited no response.
“You are adressing royalty! you shall turn and face me!”
“Is Lyra okay?”
“what?”
“The green Mare?”
“There are more important matters at hand here?”
He turned around to face me. there was fire in his eyes.
“there aren’t. now i’ll ask again. is Lyra okay?”
“don’t you care about your own fate?”
“can you send me home?”
“Not until we know how you got here in the first place.”
“then no.”
“You kill one pony, and almost kill another. and you’re concerned about them?”
“I didn’t hurt Lyra. I was protecting her.”“... I am unsure. I have heard conflicting stories.”
At this point Flavor Flave entered the scene, swinging his clock necklace like bolos. He hefted them at the clock tower opposite of town hall. It struck the minute hand, turning it backwards by one fifth of a radian (or would it be forward? Radians are measured counterclockwise after all. This created a temporal paradox that is devastating but not relevant to the current narrative.
“No... no...” Jerry moaned and rocked back and forth. He probably should have had a more evocative emotional reaction.
“But... Apple Bloom. Didn't she, didn't she take her somewhere safe?”
--As soon as the words left my mouth, I found his arms wrapped around my neck in a tight embrace. He kissed my cheek, and I felt the warm brine of his tears run down my coat. “all this time, I thought god was turning a deaf ear to the prayer of a lost sinner, that he left me here to be killed, but you heard my prayers, you saw my suffering. You heard the calls of the wayward sheep. Thank you.”
--
my first real duty as royalty, in some time. for a whole two years, i have gone only doing ceremonial duties. attending to nobles, hosting celebrations, and raising the moon.
now there was a crisis, and on my watch. Twilight Sparkle had sent word to Tia, who said that i’m the one to deal with the human.truthfully i was apprehensive about the whole affair. even though i had studied all the laws, and was up to date, but no case was ever like this.
nevertheless, the law was clear in that the willful murder of another pony was punishable by death.
Of course somepony had to go and get himself murdered on the one day I visit. I let out a sigh. And for once, the visit was going well. I scared a few foals by the statue, then had dinner with the town mayor, and I was judging the costume contest, and then it all came crashing down. Somepony screamed bloody murder, and of course.
--
epilogue:
The Great and Powerful Trixie was having a very, very bad day. The annoying click clack, click-clack of her cart became slightly more problematic as the left wheel broke free of the axel. The cart thwumped to its side, jerking the harness, and in turn, Trixie, down with it. As if dragging a cart through frigid muddy slush till her hooves were numb wasn't enough. Now she was covered in it. She watched as the wheel rolled a few yards before toppling over in front of her nose. She let out a scream of agrravation, as she unbuckled the harness and picked herself up. She briefly entertained the idea of drying herself off with the one blanket actually in the cart, but thought better of it. Who knew when was the next chance she would get to clean her only bedding?
That was the least of her problems. The axel had snapped in half, leaving jagged splinters where he wheel should have been. She grit her teeth, and continued down the road, leaving the cart behind. Not that there was anything worth stealing.
By the time the nearest trading outpost came into view, her teeth were chattering, half out of cold, and half out of agitation. She had been able to keep herself occupied by preparing all sorts of colorful insults for the next weatherpony who had the misfortune of crossing her path.
She burst into the little store defiantly. A wave of heat coming from the wood stove in the back eased her only slightly. To her frustration, the cashier did not notice her entrance. Instead, he was gesturing to the front page of the newspaper, engaged in a conversation with another stallion in front of the counter.
“Spades, this is probably is by far the most bizarre thing. It's like its straight out of one of Flannel Fleece's comic books,” the cashier said.
The stallion named spade rubbed the whiskers on his chin thoughtfully. He was older than most, with a vivacious, yet wisened look. “sure is, but if you ask me, this was a long time coming. You can't keep all of these mules on the margin of society--”
The two were cut off by Trixie stamping her hoof so loud, a bulb of fennel rolled off the table, and onto the floor. Once she was certain she had their attention, she haughtily turned her nose upward, and proclaimed, “The Great and Powerful Trixie requests the assistance of a repair pony.”
the cashier exchanged a glance with Spades. “You sure you don't need a towel?”
Trixie narrowed her eyes contemptously. “I need a repairpony, you ignoramus,” she spat out.
The cashier rolled his eyes, but Trixie didn't notice. “Tell you what, the towel's on the house.” Before she could heap any more insults on him, he left to go to the storeroom, muttering curses under his breath.
She let out a frustrated snarl. “The nerve of someponies.”
Spades had a strong urge to excuse follow his companion into the store room, and simply wait for this exceptionally rude mare to leave, but something stopped him. She was irate, no doubt, but there was a certain weariness hiding behind the scorn in her eyes. Not the sort of weariness that comes from a day of rough travels and a spill into mud, but the kind that builds up over the years. The kind of weariness that one gets from a heavy heart and not a single sympathetic ear to ease the burden. The kind of weariness that one gets from holding back tears too often. So the wisened farm pony gently asked, “What are you looking to fix? Old Planks might be able to help, for the right coinage.”
“Wagon. The goddamn axle broke, a mile down the road.”
–
“So you're a drifter.”“I'm an illusionist. My craft requires an audience, and that means lots of travel. So yes, I am a drifter.”
“So eh, how long you've been away from home?”
Truthfully, prior to the ponyville incident, Trixie had been running a circuit between four or so towns that brought her back to her home town towards the end of every month.
–
“nervous?”“More than you'd think,” he said. “I've got nowhere to call home, more than a few folk wanting me gone, and no idea where I'm going.”
Trixie smirked. “Such is the life of a vagabond. Its not an easy life, but problems have a hard time following you on the road. Knowing that, you still want to walk this road?” She cas a backwards glance at the man in poncho and backpack and hiking stick.
He nodded his head, and caught pace with his new companion. “Let's just hope we can outpace our troubles.”
–
Click-clackclick-clack
click-click click-
Without warning, Trixie heard a twhump, and the harness of the cart nearly
--
It all started with a broken wheel. There I was, just sludging along in the gross, slushy road, when, I hear the snap. I felt myself lifted up in my harness slighty as the whole left side of my cart was now scraping a small trench in the slush.“Stupid Wheel,” I muttered to myself. to Ponyville to ask somepony for help? At that, will she even learn anything?
I strutted into the little bar, and walked towards the bar tender with my chin up and my eyelids low. I quickly scanned the interior. Scattered across a half dozen tables were a hooful of earth ponies, a mule or two, and a lone pegasus. Not a horn to be seen. That put me at ease, and I felt my posture relax ever so slightly.
“Howdy miss, can I get you anything to wet your whistle?” The pony asked?
“The Great and Powerful Trixie requests the assistance of a repairpony,” I proclaimed. “My wagon broke down a
“Well shucks, I don't know nothing much about repairs. You ought to talk to Bolts down the street.”
“Trixie has already gone there, and the shop is closed for the night. Is there anypony else in this podunk little town that can fix a wagon?” I said, trying to keep my annoyance to minimal level.
His eyes lit up “Hey, why don't you ask some of these folks?”
Before I could object, he was jangling a cow bell hanging from the beam above him.
“Aw shucks, Mix-A-Lot, is it last call already?”
–
Spades Chuckled. “Well Shucks. I was expecting a bigger wagon. I would have figured you would have just lifted it to the bar with your horn.”I sputtered. “Trixie's talents are in her magical finesse, not lifting power. Only talentless hacks focus on such mundane applications of magic.”
“All right, don't get your tail in a knot over it,” He said in a fatherly sort of way as he slipped into the harness. “Would you be able to lift up the broken side?”
Walker sighed, and watched the icicles slowly melt from the barn window. He was reclining in the loft, as he did whenever somepony visited Black Horse farms. He still felt uneasy around ponies he didn't know.
Spades, and his daughter Cherry Blossom, they were nice folk. He hadn't met Black Cherry, but that was because he hid in the barn during their Hearth's Warming Eve dinner. He spent his own version of the holiday, Christmas, sending prayers to a god that he couldn't be sure still heard him. Being thrown into a magical realm has a way of shaking one's beliefs, after all.
Walker made an effort to help with whatever chores they had. which wasn't much considering there was little harvesting to do in the dead of winter. Ever since Cheerilee left back for Ponyville, he increasingly felt that he was less of a guest, and more of a free loader. Spades told him there would be a hell of chores to do come Winter Wrap up. But Walker had been hiding on this farm for three months now. Did he want to stay here for another season?
Why not, he asked himself, as he picked up the newspaper Cheerilee had bought before she left. Breaking news: Strange Creature Causes Riot in Ponyville. He had read the article, and the rest of the newspaper at least a dozen times. “Jerimiah the Pariah”, the articled called him. Nothing pleasant waited for him back in Pony society. His best friend was dead, and he was wanted for murder. Walker's only saving grace was that everypony thought he was somehow sent back to his own world. Hell, even in his own world, he still had killed his brother. Twice in exile, he thought with a world weary sigh. He was safest spending the rest of his life on this farm.
Luna thought otherwise. She was gathering evidence to prove his innocence, or so she told him in his dreams. His name would be cleared soon enough, she assured him. The best thing he could do is go out, and try to find what he can do to atone to the universe. But why shouldn't he stay here for the rest of his days, helping Spades farm the land? Wasn't the best way to atone to avoid those that hated you, and be a simple, farming man? His own god was silent on the matter.
But there was another matter plaguing his mind. His sleep, when not visited by Luna, was uneasy and filled with nightmares. Walker woke up in a fright, rubbing his neck, swearing he just felt the tug of a noose. He tried his best to not think about Lyra, about Abe, about his past at all, but an idle mind is the devil's plaything. As much as he tried to keep himself occupied, boredom was his constant companion. He took long walks daily, around the perimeter of the orchard, but it offered him no peace of mind. He was plagued with a thousand what-ifs, and how-comes, wracked with guilt for the blood he spilt.
Twilight looked up from the tome, her mouth agape. “I can't... I can't believe I told Spike that. Did I really say that?”
Celestia turned to Luna with a malicious grin. She never raised her voice when she was truly angered. She had different tactics. “Sister, help me decide a suitable remedy for Twilight's... failures.” She let the last word hang in the air for a moment.
“f-failures?” Twilight squeaked.
Celestia continued in the same calm cool voice she always had. “I was thinking of sending letter home to her parents, asking what they think of everything.” She delighted in the look of horror on Twilight's face. The purple unicorn was almost a mare grown, but still her sense of self worth operated on a foalish grade-school morality. “Or should I send you back to magic kindergarten? I taught you magic, I taught you how to make friends and become a leader. But it seems that I've failed to impress upon you the importance of understanding and empathy. Perhaps Ms. Chillingworth's class could offer a remedial lesson.”
Twilight's knees were buckling together as she struggled to keep composure. There was a tear welling in her eye
“Tia...” Luna said gently. “I know you're upset, but hurting her isn't--”
“What do you think Luna, Letter home, or magic kindergarten? Letter, or kindergarten?” She weighed the two options in her hooves.
The poor unicorn was visibly shaking now, choking back sobs. For a moment, emotion broke through her patient facade, and she looked down on her student with unadulterated scorn. “Pray excuse me.” the alicorn said quietly, and walked briskly out of the room, telekinetically slamming the door so hard the doorknob popped out, rolling to a stop beneath Luna's hooves.
“The letter, Tia!” Luna called. In a puff of magic, the letter appeared and fell onto the table. Finally, in Celestia's absence, Twilight began to cry. Luna, whose anger at Twilight had cooled months ago, felt a pang of sympathy, offered a sympathetic embrace.
“Is this it? Is this the letter that tells me Celestia is disavowing me as her student?”
“Celestia, she is hurt and angered by your actions, but she is not foolish.”
“So she doesn't hate me for causing a race riot?”
“Even now, you've only caused half as many riots as her worst student. Truth be told, you didn't cause this riot so much as fail to stop the situation from escaliting to that point. Go on, read.”
her eyes danced acros the scroll. “I don't understand,” Twilight said.
“You know understand what you should have done, correct?”
Twilight nodded her head.
“We are making sure you are coming from a place of understanding.”
alternate ending:
“There he is girls, use the elements of harmony!” The six mares lined up, and slowly started floating up.
“Now!” Twilight shouted. An attack rainbow Shot up, and splashed pitifully, a few feet away. The girls stopped floating abruptly, and hit the ground hard.“Shucks,” Aj said. “Ah guess I shouldn't have lied that one time, which somehow completely invalidates the elements of harmony.”
Rarity sighed. “Are you sure it wasn't the overt racism, darling?”
Aj scratched her head. “Ah don't think so. My racism's never been a problem before.”
Jerry gently placed Lyra down, and then, with a misty eye, took out his rosary, and twisted the bottom of the cross. Within moments, interlocking bits of metal came flying from nowhere, assembling themselves into a giant mech suit surrounding Jeremiah, by the time the entire transformation sequence was complete, he was wielding a power fist gauntlet, which in turn was holding a saw-toothed katana made out pure encapsulated lightning. The bolt blade flickered and crackled under Jerry's vengenance, which was rather fitting, because the name of the energy sword was VENGANCE. He now stood 15 feet tall. In his other hand, all he had was a wrist mounted rocket launcher with an Acog scope attached to it.
“Come Spike,” The human boomed with the voice of a god preparing for battle. The baby dragon felt himself transforming too, just as he did when he was afflicted by Dragon's greed. Only this time, it was Dragon Prejudice that fueled his growth. Spike stood upright, and let out his godzilla roar. He flapped his mighty wings, and breathed a gout of flame, illuminating the night sky.
“Going to battle without me?” They heard a voice call from behind. The two brave warriors turned to see Celestia with an army of angry ghosts humans behind her. “I finished my diplomatic meeting with the humans on how awesome it is to be not racist. But then I come back to Ponyville, and Luna's all like 'Tia, like, totally check out how racist these ponies are', so I started asking ponies about the human, and writing a book about it for her.”
“We read it,” shouted one of the soldiers. “They're really racist!”
“So that's why we're going to help you tear this shit up!” Celestia shouted.
“Swag,” Jerry murmured.
Twilight came running up to her mentor with tears in her eyes. “Princess, I'm so sorry! I was wrong and awful and stupid, and I just love you so much! I'll never mistreat another human again! I'll become anti-racist. I was being so stupid and --”
Twilight's monologue was interrupted by a gold line hoof smacking her face. “Twilight, you're a stupid bitch. Stop being so out of character!” Celestia said, and gave Twilight an uppercut of JUSTICE. “Now go back to magical kindergarten.”
“but... but...”
“Did I fucking stutter? If you're not back in Fitzgerald's class tomorrow, I'll send you off to the glue factory. Do I make myself clear?”
Twilight nodded, holding back her tears.
Celestia smiled. “Remember Twilight, if you act like a bitch, you gon die like a bitch. Now, time to kill all of your racist friends, because they aren't being paragons of virtue like they are portrayed in an animated series for small children, therefore they are out of character. So basically, all of the main six except for Rarity are going to die.”
“All I did was run away from something that scared the bejeezus out of me,” Fluttershy protested quietly.
“I was being stubborn and stuck in my beliefs, and I suffered by losing my farm and the respect of the town! I already got punished for my character flaws!” AJ said.
“Hey, but I only was in this story for like a grand total of five sentences! And I gave him cupcakes! That was totally in character!” Pinkie said.
“I wasn't even in this story!” Rainbow protested.
It didn't matter. Jerry led the charge. His first attack was to curbstomp Lucky so hard, he turned into a hamburger patty, which Jerry then picked up, and ate in front of Ponyville. “Delicious,” He boomed. Then he took an extra moment to wreck a few buildings, and kill Pokey's family.
Celestia meanwhile, summoned all five pieces of exodia on the first turn, and obliterated the main six. The army of humans and Spike raised the entire town, and burned it to a crisp. It was then paved over and turned into an art gallery featuring modern art pieces of blank canvases which somehow depicted racism.
Then Jerry broke the fourth wall to assure the audience that all of the OOC racist ponies had been killed in the most JUSTICEly and RIGHTEOUS fashion. He also assured that he never had a fight with his brother, and that was just a crazy-ass dream induced by prolonged exposure to pastel racist pnoies. Then he personally crossed out the tragedy tag, and scribbled in the corner “Kick-ass HIE where everything works out perfectly for the main character.”
But for some reason Jerry still died tragically, because that what the audience expected, so they erected (haha, it's like i'm talking about a penis) a statue in his honor, and renamed the town mansburg. And they got rid of all of the beaurcratic remnants of the prejudice.
From that moment forward, the only prerequisite for citizenship was that you eat an entire bucket of fried chickens (bonus points if they belong to Fluttershy) While flipping off a picture of Twilight and here friends. Since this last part was anatomically impossible for ponies, they were ironically denied citizenship and forced to live as a marginalized people among mansburg.