“You ponies’d better saddle up, because Red Team’s ridin’ to victory!” Sarge exclaimed in his gruff Southern drawl. “Nothin’s gonna stop us now!”
It was at that very moment that the Reds were taken off guard by a powerful buck from Big Macintosh, sending the Warthog they were in rolling. The vehicle deposited the three Reds onto the ground as it continued rolling along, only stopping when it hit the side of the big red barn of Sweet Apple Acres. The men in red armor slowly climbed to their feet and pulled out their respective firearms.
“Ugh, what happened?” Grif asked.
“What happened is you crashed another Warthog, numbskull!” Sarge yelled.
Grif rolled his head back along with (probably) his eyes, “Yeah, because I know how to make cars do fucking barrel rolls!”
“Uh… guys?” Simmons had his rifle pointed in the direction of six multicolored ponies and two men in blue armor all glaring at them.
“Well, fuck. We really need to start coming up with better plans than ‘get in a Warthog and attack head on.’” Grif deadpanned.
“It’s okay, I think there’s still time to find a peaceful solution to this situation!”
“And I think there’s still time for me to introduce the Blues to my latest product,” Sarge raised his shotgun dramatically and charged forward, “Lead-On! Apply directly to the forehead!”
Sarge didn’t even get a chance to fire his trademark weapon as a blast of magic from Rarity knocked him back into Grif and Simmons. Rainbow Dash immediately followed up by spreading her wings and taking off. The athletic pegasus circled the Reds faster than any of them could see, trapping them in an increasingly tightening rainbow vortex. Once the three Reds were up against each others’ backs, a rope was thrown and lassoed around them. Applejack held the Reds in place with the end of the rope tied around her tail.
“Hmm... this is not how I pictured this going at all!” Sarge grumbled.
With the “threat” neutralized, Church took a step forward as Fluttershy deemed it safe enough to peek out from her hiding place behind Applejack. Twilight on the other hand just stared at her friends, mouth agape; clearly they’d gotten plenty of practice fighting human soldiers while she was gone.
“That was awesome!” Caboose exclaimed. “Did anyone get a picture? Or maybe a slow motion video?”
Applejack looked over at Twilight, “More new friends?”
Twilight looked over at the Reds and furrowed her brow, “Something like that…”
“What are you doing here, Reds?” Church asked in the annoyed tone that Twilight had become all too familiar with.
“Why trying to murder you, of course!” Sarge proclaimed. “Oh yeah, and capture Twilight Vampiresdontsparkle there for Command!”
“I thought you guys stopped that because of Twilight and Simmons!?”
“C’mon, since when has Simmons’ romantic feelings ever stopped him from doing work?” Grif asked.
“Wait, what???” the purple pony and maroon man screamed as one.
“Oh…” Rarity said, giving her fellow unicorn a cautious smile before saying in a low voice, “a mare like you can surely do better, Twilight darling!”
“Wha… no! Rarity, it’s not… he’s not…” Twilight stuttered as her face started turning red. She waved her hoof back and forth as if to dispel the topic like a bad smell, “Look, none of that matters! You three being here is raising some serious questions!”
“Yeah, like ‘will they or won’t they?’” Grif snickered.
“Fucking. Asshole,” Simmons stated.
Twilight glared at the two men before she continued, “I had to use a combination of magic and your technology to teleport myself here from across the galaxy. So how in Equestria did you three get here?”
“Hitched a ride on that big ship you guys snuck on!” Sarge said.
“The Mother of Invention?” Twilight’s eyes widened with the same look of panic that often accompanied times when she nearly forgot to hand in a report. This did not escape the notice of her friends, who looked at each other uneasily.
“Yeah, that ship is orbiting the planet right now. Said they had some mission or something to do here. Didn’t really pay attention,” Grif explained.
Twilight and Church exchanged a knowing look as Twilight’s features fell.
“Well that can’t be good…” Church said.
“Um… what’s a ‘Mother of Invention?’” Fluttershy asked.
“Bad news…” Twilight answered.
“Yeah, we should probably get to Tex’s ship quickly,” Church suggested.
Twilight nodded and turned towards her four friends. She just got back and already it felt like she was leaving them again. At least she got to see all of them before heading back to Dodge City. Or almost all of them.
“By the way, where’s Pinkie Pie?” Twilight thought the pink party pony would have been one of the first ones to welcome her back. In fact, she usually already had a party prepared for this kind of occasion.
The way Twilight’s four friends looked at each other made Twilight’s heart plummet. She then remembered what they’d told her about Pinkie’s experience with Omega, “She is okay… isn’t she?”
Finally, Rainbow Dash took a step toward her, “Right. Guess we forgot to tell you, what with everything that’s been going on…” Rainbow’s already hoarse voice seemed to get even scratchier at that moment.
“Tell me what?”
The Reds stood still in their position tied together by that orange pony’s rope as Twilight Sparkle was led away by her friends, followed by the Blues. Simmons struggled to free up some breathing space to no avail. He was sandwiched too tightly between Grif and Sarge.
“Um… hello? Red Team’s still tied up over here!” Simmons called out.
“It’s no use, Simmons. They’ve left us for dead,” Sarge stated.
“Uh… they’ve left us in the middle of a farm,” Grif pointed out.
“Clearly these pony creatures are a barbaric race of warriors that believe in survival of the fittest!”
“There’s literally a town right down the path there…”
“Just left us here to starve...”
“There’s a field of apple trees ten feet away from us!”
“We’re going to have to get ourselves out of this mess!” Sarge looked around until he spotted their own overturned Warthog lying against the barn, “Men! We have to get to my welding torch so I can free us! I’m going to start walking towards the jeep.
“Simmons, when I say ‘right foot,’ I want you to move your left foot to the right and vice-versa for when I say ‘left.’ Grif, when I say ‘speed boost,’ I want you to see if you can get the rope around your neck and strangle yourself. With any luck, the weight of your dead corpse should shift our balance in just the right way to give us that extra push forward!”
Grif sighed, “Or we could just break out of this rope.”
“Speed boost!”
“What do you mean ‘just break out?’” Simmons asked.
“This is ordinary rope! And we’re space soldiers! We should be able to just bust out of this!” Grif looked at the uncomprehending stares from Simmons and Sarge and sighed, “When I say ‘go,’ just pull against the ropes with all of your strength!”
The three of them braced against each other in readiness, “Ready… go!”
A chorus of groaning and griping commenced as the three Reds each began pulling against their ropes in different directions. After several moments of this, Simmons let up on his side of the pulling and was subsequently pulled back by the combined efforts of Grif and Sarge. This resulted in all three of them falling to the dirt, still tied up.
“Okay… so that didn’t work. This is obviously no ordinary rope!” Grif exclaimed from his position beneath Simmons.
“What? What kind of rope would it be then?” Simmons asked.
“I don’t know, magic rope?”
“You’re a moron.”
“No, really! We’re on a world of talking horses! Magic rope is not outside the realm of possibility!”
“Oh, I wasn’t doubting it. I was just calling you a moron!”
“This is why we need my favorite welding torch!” Sarge exclaimed.
“Ahem!” The sound of a female clearing her throat made the three bickering soldiers stop and look up. Standing there glaring down at them was the orange pony with the cowboy hat who had tied them up in the first place. They weren’t sure how long she’d been standing there, but the unamused frown on her face spoke volumes.
“Stay perfectly still…” Sarge said through clenched teeth, “it can’t see us if we don’t move…”
“But can't it hear us?” Grif asked.
“It can’t hear us in the higher register,” Sarge then began speaking in a high-pitched version of his usual southern accent, “I’m going for my combat knife…”
“You know I can both see and hear you, right?” the pony said in a southern accent of her own.
Simmons heard the distinct sound of Sarge grinding his teeth, “Dammit… they’re evolving!”
“Listen, I’m not gonna hurt y’all but we have somethin’ mighty serious to talk about,” the pony gestured her head to her left. The three Reds followed her gaze and found themselves looking at a large red pony assessing the damage of a completely crushed cart that had once been full of apples. The red fruit themselves were now various piles of crushed mush on the ground around it.
“Yer little attack jus’ destroyed an entire morning’s harvest!” the orange pony said bitterly. “We were gonna sell those in the market tomorrow!”
The orange pony then turned to address the large red stallion in front of the broken cart, “Big Mac, yer good at them fancy mathematics! How much you reckon all them apples were worth?”
The pony dubbed “Big Mac” turned around to face the others. He gave a piece of straw in his mouth a few thoughtful chews before answering, “Sweet Apple Acres apples go anywhere from two to four bits on the Ponyville market. We harvested about five-hundred apples this mornin’. These were worth up to two-thousand bits.”
The orange pony gave a firm, appreciative nod then returned to glaring down at the three Reds, “Got two-thousand bits?”
The Reds shifted uncomfortably in their bonds for a moment. Despite being on the ground, tied up and partially covered by Simmons, Grif managed to reach into a compartment of his armor and pulled out a small object in a plastic wrapper. With some effort, he tossed it at the hooves of the female farm pony in front of him. She picked it up and scrutinized it intensely.
“‘Mini-Oreos?’”
“Those are easily worth two-thousand, maybe three-thousand if the center is really good!” Grif said. “If anything, you should be paying me for those!”
The farm pony just gave the Reds a deadpan glare before tossing the pack of cookies back to Grif, “If y’all can’t pay up, there are ways we can work around that.”
The three Reds murmured amongst themselves, “If we say ‘yes,’ will you untie us?” Grif asked.
“Of course!”
“Then its a deal!”
With a nod of approval, the farmpony walked up to the Reds and with a single tug of a knot, released them from the rope. The Reds wasted no time in pulling themselves to their feet.
“Uh… how did you do that?” Grif asked.
“Do what? Untie an ordinary rope?”
Upon opening the door to the confectionary’s kitchen, Twilight Sparkle was hit by a tidal wave of cake covered in white frosting. Twilight poked her purple horned head out from under the pile of pastries sputtering. Church just stood there, the cobalt man frozen in stupefaction.
“Wow…” he simply said.
“I warned you…” Muttered Carrot Cake. The yellow earth pony stallion was standing behind the front desk of Sugar Cube Corner, carefully setting up displays. With the lockdown recently lifted, customers would no doubt be pouring in soon.
“Remind me to keep Caboose far away from this place.”
At Twilight’s suggestion, the group had dropped Caboose off at the library with Spike. It seemed that Church had figured out why. Fluttershy had then informed them that she had to go home to feed her animals, having not had the chance to do so since the lockdown began.
Twilight climbed out of the pile of cake and proceeded to shake off as much icing and crumbs as she could, but was unable to get the sticky feeling out of her coat. She was definitely going to need to shower again.
Twilight looked at Rainbow Dash, “And you’re sure Pinkie is in there?”
Rainbow nodded, “Who else could be responsible for this?” Rainbow’s eyes then darted back and forth as her ears fell flat, “Look, uh… I’ve gotta get home. I haven’t had a chance to go back since yesterday and Tank’s probably starving. See ya!”
Before Twilight could bid her friend farewell, Rainbow Dash took off and left Sugarcube Corner at the speed of a missile. Although her excuse seemed legitimate, Twilight couldn’t shake the feeling that Rainbow just wanted to leave the building as soon as possible. She could imagine why. Twilight looked at the only one of her pony friends left with her.
“Rarity, if there’s something else you need to do, you can go too. I’ll be fine seeing Pinkie by myself.”
Rarity just gave Twilight her patented “everything’s okay” smile, “Oh, I’m fine darling. I want to be here to support Pinkie too. It’s just…” Rarity looked briefly in the direction of the front door, “I haven’t yet had a chance to see Sweetie Belle since she was almost killed by that… thing, and now that the lockdown is over…”
Twilight put a hoof on her shoulder, “Hey, say no more. She needs you more than I do right now!”
Thanking Twilight by way of an honest smile, Rarity turned and left Sugarcube Corner. With just Church and herself left, Twilight turned back to the cake sea in the kitchen in front of her.
Closing her eyes and firing up her horn, Twilight accessed the leylines to her pocket dimension. Each of the white frosted cakes disappeared in rapid succession as Twilight stored them all away in her personal plane. With the path to the kitchen cleared, Twilight walked inside. Church elected to remain out in the main area of the sweets shop, recognizing that the coming conversation was between Twilight and her friend alone.
Inside the kitchen, Twilight immediately noticed the messy state it was in. White icing and flour covered every surface like the first snowfall of winter. Pans, egg-beaters, spoons and all kinds of dishes littered the floor and countertops. Every oven in the room was running and seemed to have something cooking inside it. At the center of it all facing away from her was the pink pony Twilight knew so well, yet in this moment was a total stranger. A lump forming in her throat, Twilight approached Pinkie Pie, who sat on her haunches over the counter and had a magically powered egg-beater in one of her hooves that was viciously attacking a bowl of batter.
“Pinkie?” Twilight said softly.
Pinkie didn’t respond. In fact, she didn’t even move. The party pony merely leaned against the counter as still as a statue, head resting on its surface. Her left hoof danced with the fitful movements of the egg-beater.
“Pinkie!” Twilight said again.
Still getting no response, Twilight moved closer still until she was right next to her usually energetic friend. The reason for Pinkie’s lack of response quickly became evident to Twilight as she picked up the sound of soft snoring barely audible under the sound of the erratic egg-beater.
“Pinkie, wake up! It’s me, Twilight!” She nudged Pinkie Pie in the shoulder a few times and the pink party pony snorted once and shot into an upright position, her eyes at varying levels of open.
“Wait THAT’S NOT HOW YOU MOW THE LAWN!” Pinkie then looked around and once she had a moment to realize where she was, she shut off the aggressive egg-beater in her left hoof.
“Hey, Pinkie!” Twilight said, smiling at her crazy friend.
Pinkie then looked at Twilight and after taking a few moments to process the new sight before her, opened her eyes wide and let out a big, long gasp.
“Omigosh! Twilight! You’re back!” Smiling, Pinkie took a step toward Twilight, who in turn shut her eyes and braced herself for a bone-crushing Pinkie Pie hug.
But after a few seconds, Twilight opened her eyes again to find Pinkie standing in the exact same spot. It was then that Twilight noticed the full extent of just how… off Pinkie Pie looked. Her mane was a mess more so than usual, her coat was grimy and covered in bits of icing along with her mane and the side of her face she’d been sleeping on. Her half open eyes looked red and puffy with baggy dark circles beneath them. Worst of all was her smile. It wasn’t bursting with energy and pure joy for life. It was a fragile thing ready to break at a moment’s notice.
“Pinkie? Is something wrong?”
“No! Why would anything be wrong, silly? O’Malley’s gone and now you’re back! Odds are that we will probably be alright!” Even as she spoke such confident words, Pinkie’s wavering voice betrayed something else.
Twilight sighed and looked at her friend sympathetically, “It’s about Omega, isn’t it? I know that must have been difficult for you, so if you need somepony to talk to, I’m here. We all are!”
Twilight’s voice was cracking, but the earnest sincerity of it changed something in Pinkie Pie. Her eyes grew big and her face was no longer a desperate attempt to emulate her normal happy demeanor. Her smile was gone, replaced by a look of longing; a need to cling to the liferaft that Twilight was offering. Twilight took a step forward and opened her forelegs in an offer for a hug. Twilight braced herself for a very different kind of hug from what she was used to from Pinkie, but just like before the hug never came.
Instead, Pinkie began backpedaling across the kitchen as quickly as she could, looking at Twilight with wide eyes.
“NO! I’M FINE! GO AWAY!” Pinkie’s hooves kept trying to take her backwards even after her rump hit the stove behind her.
Twilight felt a painful soreness well up in her chest as she looked at her broken friend, “Pinkie… please! Let us help you! We’re your friends! You don’t have to be afraid!”
Pinkie’s eyes were glistening, “I-I’m not afraid of you, silly… I’m afraid for you!”
“Pinkie, I don’t understand…”
“Good. It’s probably for the best…” The fear in Pinkie’s voice was gone now, taken by a low monotone indicating she was resigned to whatever decision she had made. A loud beeping noise interrupted whatever she was going to say next. Pinkie turned around and shut off the oven before grabbing a pair of oven mitts “You should probably go. It’s safer that way...”
Giving Twilight one final false smile, Pinkie Pie reached into the oven and pulled out a finished cake. Just like that, she was back to baking pastries like her life depended on it. With a final sad sigh, Twilight turned around and left the kitchen and its sole occupant. Her ears were drooped low with her overall posture when she entered the main part of Sugar Cube Corner.
Church was waiting for her, apparently making small talk with Carrot Cake. The synthetic human in cobalt armor turned to face the dejected unicorn.
“So, uh… what the hell was all that about?”
“Nothing. Don’t worry about it,” Twilight grumbled as she trotted past Church and made to leave the store, “C’mon. Let’s go see that ship.”
“Ugh, when she said there are ways we can ‘work around this,’ I didn’t think they would involve actual work!” Grif moaned as he walked up to another apple tree.
“And what did you think they would involve?” Simmons asked as he approached an adjacent tree.
“I don’t know, maybe a debt that I’d pay later? Like a loan?”
“Aren’t you in enough debt already?”
“Exactly! I’d just add this to the rest of my debt and continue not paying it! Everyone wins!”
“Except for the people you owe…”
Applejack rolled her eyes as she attempted to drown out the aliens’ incessant bickering by bucking another tree and focusing on the sound of the apples as they fell to the ground around her. Getting the Reds to pay off their debt to Sweet Apple Acres by making them work on the farm seemed like a good idea in theory. In practice, Applejack might as well have been harvesting the entire orchard by herself.
In fact, the reality was far worse. Applejack continually had to stop what she was doing to either help the hopeless red creatures harvest apples properly or outright keep them on track. More than once Applejack had caught the orange one - Grif - gesturing like he was kicking trees while making sound effects with his mouth. The maroon one - Simmons - was no better. The guy was so meek that even hits with his full strength barely moved the trees he was harvesting. He ended up spending more time trying to come up with theoretical ways to increase efficiency than he did actually apple-bucking. Then there was Sarge…
BANG! “Yee-haw! Eat lead, you delicious red fruit!”
At the sound of the loud blast, Applejack jumped and whirled around. The man in red armor had the long black weapon he carried around aimed up at the branches of the apple trees around him. Applejack winced as he fired another shot of his weapon and a couple of apples fell from the tree branches riddled with holes from the metal projectiles it fired.
“Whoa there now, Mr. Sarge! Why don’t ya put that loud alien noise stick of yours away and harvest these apples the way I told ya?” Applejack said, once again racing away from the trees she was working to address yet another problem presented by these troublesome people.
Sarge slung his weapon over his shoulder and turned to face Applejack, “First off l’il missy: My name’s not Mr. Sarge. Mr. Sarge was my father! Second: the shotgun is the perfect all-purpose tool for every type of situation! I personally use it as a death distributer, fertilizer, TV remote, toilet un-clogger and MP3 player!”
Sarge pushed a button on his shotgun and the energetic polka music that Applejack and the others heard when these Reds first appeared began to play through the weapon. Applejack hastily reached up and switched it off before the music could play for very long, but she knew it was too late. That song would haunt her nightmares for weeks to come.
Before Applejack could get so much as an exasperated sigh out, Sarge put a hand to his chin and contemplated, “Though, it does feel slightly sacrilegious to be shooting such gloriously red fruits. Say, you wouldn’t happen to have a blueberry farm I can work on, would ya?”
Applejack groaned loudly, “Just stop using weapons to harvest apples!”
Applejack stormed away and glanced up at the sun. Judging by its position in the sky, she guessed it was around two PM. Horse apples! It was almost time for her and Big Mac to make their deliveries and she hadn’t had a single moment to gather everything she’d need! Her intention had been to stick around only until the three Reds got the hang of apple bucking and she could leave them to their own devices, but at this rate she’d be here all day and then some.
It was then that Applejack went to check on Grif and found the man resting against one of the trees he was supposed to be bucking.
“What in tarnation do you think yer doin’?”
Grif tilted his helmeted head slightly to look up at her, “Uh… taking a break?” Applejack could hear the “duh” that his tone implied.
“We all started twenty minutes ago!”
“Exactly! So I’m taking a forty minute break to compensate!”
Applejack stared at the man, slack-jawed, “How do you fellas ever get any work done?”
“Work?” Grif spoke mockingly, as if the word felt unnatural on his tongue, “I’m familiar with the concept, but…”
Applejack’s left eye twitched as Grif shrugged and leaned his head back. How could such a person exist? Was his laziness so great that he couldn’t even be bothered to finish a sentence?
“You are literally… the worst kind of person.”
Applejack chanced a glance in Simmons’ direction. He was quite ineffectually hitting a tree with only a couple of apples in it. She’d talked with him already about just leaving them after he’d gotten most of the apples out of their branches but Simmons insisted on being thorough.
With another groan, Applejack said, “This ain’t workin’! I have a pie delivery to make to another town and I have to get goin’ before it gets too late!” With a few hoof gestures, Applejack gathered the Reds around her, “All of you leave. We’ll find some other way to pay off yer debt to Sweet Apple Acres!”
“Uh… may I ask why?” Simmons asked.
“Because y’all are plumb awful! Having you work the orchards is actually less efficient than if I were to just do it by myself! Yer some of the worst workers I’ve ever had the misfortune of dealing with!”
The Reds were all silent for a moment before Sarge raised a finger, “Now, I know it goes without saying that Grif is the embodiment of suck and Simmons is pretty much only useful for his math. But surely I have proved myself capable enough to…”
Applejack rounded on Sarge faster than a whip, “No! You haven’t! Yer just as useless as the rest of ‘em!”
Applejack knew she should have felt bad as soon as the words left her mouth, but the fact was: she didn’t. Applejack was a patient and tolerant mare. She had her granny to thank for that. Granny Smith always taught her to see the best in ponies; and that extended to members of other species as well. But Applejack simply couldn’t see anything positive about the three red armored beings in front of her now. They were the antithesis of good, honest work. The living embodiments of everything she stood against.
“Jus’ git off my property. We’re done here,” with that said, Applejack turned and began to make her way back to the house.
“What a shame. Oh well, nothing to do now but take a nap…” Grif’s dumb voice that was as lazy as he was echoed in Applejack’s ears, taunting her with its nonchalance.
Simmons raced to catch up with his Sergeant as he strode away from the scene of their most recent failure. Sergeant Grif moved through the bright green trees of the apple orchard with a purpose. It would have been inspiring if Simmons didn’t know that Grif’s purposeful walk was to get himself either something to eat or someplace to sleep as soon as possible. Simmons took a longing glance back at his former Sergeant… his true Sergeant.
Sarge just stood there under the rows of apple trees looking… deeply contemplative. Simmons hated it when Sarge got like this and always tried to do his best to be there for him. Now however, Sarge was not in command and Simmons was following Grif out of the orchard instead.
“So uh… what’s our next objective, sir?” Simmons asked.
“My next objective is to find a nice tree to sleep under where I won’t be disturbed by cutesy fucking ponies,” Grif explained. “Your objective is to fuck off and do whatever you want as long as its somewhere far away from me.”
Simmons stopped walking and sighed, “Yes, sir…”
Grif continued walking until he was out of Simmons’ sight. Deciding now was his chance to see if Sarge needed him, Simmons turned around to make his way over to the older man in red. Only, Sarge was no longer standing where he had been moments ago. There was no sign of him anywhere.
As he turned back around, it suddenly occurred to Simmons just how big the apple orchard was. What was more, he had absolutely no idea which way to go if he wanted to leave.
“Well, fuck…”
Simmons proceeded to wander through the orchard, picking a direction and hoping it would eventually lead him out. He considered using the sun to try and figure out which way was east and west, but quickly realized two things. Firstly, that he was on an alien planet and that it probably didn’t orbit this sun in the same way that Earth does. Secondly, that knowing which way was east and which was west still wouldn’t help him figure out which way to actually fucking go.
So it was thus that Simmons kept walking in the same direction, basing his course on nothing but random selection. For several minutes Simmons briskly walked past row after row of identical apple trees. The monotony was suddenly broken by the appearance of a white pony crossing his path. The equine let out a gasp as petite as she herself and Simmons had to all but skid to a stop to keep from running her down.
“Whoops, sorry!” Simmons apologized, taking a step back from the small white pony with the extravagantly styled purple mane. If she was anything like the other inhabitants of this planet, Simmons was expecting a full verbal lashing for his transgression.
“Oh, it’s quite alright dear!” She said in a posh accent.
It was then that Simmons started to recognize the small horned creature before him, “Hey, weren’t you one of the ponies who kicked my team’s ass?”
The pony bit her lower lip as her eyes shifted, “That’s an… interesting way of putting it. I didn’t see a donkey among your people, but yes. You were attacking my friends and I responded.”
“Well… Sarge was attacking you. I actually tried talking him down, but when he gets an idea in his head, there’s no stopping him.”
“Stubborn as a mule, is he? Believe me, I know plenty of ponies like that!” the white pony smiled up at him, “I’m Rarity, by the way.”
Simmons stuttered for a bit before realizing he forgot to introduce himself, “Uh, Simmons!”
“Nice to meet you, Simmons! I must say, you seem much more friendly than others of your kind!”
“Oh, trust me. I’m a dick. It’s my first name for fuck sake!”
Rarity winced at the use of Simmons’ language, “Erm… I’ll take your word for it. Now, if you don’t mind I have to be off to check on my sister. I believe she’s with her little friends in their clubhouse somewhere around here.”
“Right, uh… before you go, could you tell me how the Hell I get out of here?”
Rarity raised an eyebrow at Simmons, “Don’t tell me you got lost?”
When Simmons gave an awkward shrug, Rarity nodded, “Well, I must admit, these orchards are pretty hard to navigate if you haven’t been here as many times as I have. Why don’t you come with me? We’ll make sure my sister and her friends aren’t traumatized and then I’ll show you the way out!”
“Oh… uh, cool!” Simmons fell into step with Rarity and together the two of them began walking through the orchard. “So, uh… what happened to your sister?”
Fluttershy swallowed nervously as she knocked on the fluffy yet firm front door to Rainbow Dash’s cloud home. While waiting for her foalhood friend to answer the door, Fluttershy took a moment to look at the beautiful exterior of the abode. For a pony who claimed to be uninterested in fancy aesthetics, Rainbow Dash certainly had a beautiful home.
The three-story structure made entirely of magically enhanced water vapor was tall and grand like the towers of Canterlot. Columns in the style of old Pegasopolis lined the exterior, and fountains of liquified rainbow were installed in various locations. It was all quite nice to look at, and more importantly, it was a good distraction from the troubles on Fluttershy’s mind.
The door opened as Fluttershy was admiring a rainbow fountain near the third floor; Rainbow Dash was standing there with a head of bed-mane.
“Oh, hey Fluttershy!” Rainbow greeted her with a yawn. “What’s up?”
Fluttershy immediately began to panic when she realized she had interrupted her friend’s nap. She instinctively took a step back.
“Oh, um… it’s nothing… I…” Fluttershy took another step back as she desperately tried to simultaneously say and not say why she was here. She should probably just leave and let Rainbow get back to her nap. No reason to burden her with her problems...
“Wanna come in?” Rainbow asked, moving aside and holding the front door open more widely.
With the offer made, Fluttershy immediately felt less conflicted about being here. Sure, it was rude of her to have interrupted Rainbow’s nap like she probably had, but now it would have been more rude to deny her friend’s offer of hospitality. Rainbow must have made the offer knowing Fluttershy’s thought process fully well; one of many reasons the two were such good friends. With a nod and a nervous smile, Fluttershy carefully stepped into Rainbow’s home, conscious of every step.
Despite the fancy architecture, the white interior of Rainbow Dash’s home was quite modest; once again unlike its owner. The first floor only had a couch, a table and some chairs along with various miscellaneous objects strewn about the floor. As always, Wonderbolts posters adorned the walls along with a couple of photos of Rainbow’s family. After being offered a seat, Fluttershy sat down on the couch in a way so that she’d take up as little space as possible. She decided to remain silent for the moment.
“So, what’s bothering ya, Flutters?” Rainbow asked as she sprawled out on the other end of the couch. As always, Rainbow Dash’s directness was the perfect counter to Fluttershy’s reluctance.
Of course, now that she had the opportunity to bring her issues out in the open, Fluttershy found herself unable to articulate them.
“Um… do you ever feel… not awesome?” she asked. Fluttershy once again found herself thankful that her and Rainbow Dash’s personalities complemented each other in such a way that they could be the perfect help for each other.
“Pffft… no!” Rainbow Dash grinned and gave a casual wave of her hoof.
It was a testament to Fluttershy’s long friendship with Rainbow Dash when the ordinarily meek pegasus was able to muster a deadpan glare the likes of which not many got a chance to see.
“Okay, sometimes… maybe...”
Fluttershy leaned closer, “What do you do when you feel like… like, you suddenly can’t do something you used to be really good at?”
Rainbow gave a quizzical tilt of her head as her brow creased back in concern, “Where’s this coming from, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy found herself suddenly much more interested in fidgeting with a loose thread on one of the pillows and became focused on it as if it was the source of her problems.
“Well… when I went back home today to feed the animals, many of them were - understandably - a little bit agitated that I wasn’t there to feed them breakfast this morning… or give them their midnight snack the night before. I tried to explain the alien attack and the lockdown, but most of them still wouldn’t cooperate with me.
“As you can imagine, I found myself with no choice but to use my last resort…”
Rainbow nodded, “The Stare?”
“Yes, but… it didn’t work.” Fluttershy took a deep breath and tried to calm herself, but she could already feel her throat tighten, “That’s never happened before! I don’t like using it, but the Stare always makes even the most rebellious critters behave! Now I’ve got a bunch of animals that are mad at me and won’t listen and I don’t know what to do…”
Fluttershy’s rant became rapid sniffling that was dangerously close to tears. Seeing this, Rainbow quickly put a hoof on her shoulder and gave it a reassuring rub.
“Hey, it’s okay Fluttershy. We can figure this out!” Rainbow said, though without much confidence. Rainbow Dash didn’t know anything about Fluttershy’s trade, so she wasn’t exactly sure how they’d figure it out, but they would!
Rainbow scratched her chin, “When was the last time you used it?”
Fluttershy repeated the action herself. When was the last time she used the Stare? She knew it was recently… very recently in fact. Wasn’t it during the fight with the…?
A loud THUMP on the window beside the front door caused Fluttershy to jump right out of her seat and squeak in surprise. Rainbow Dash on the other hoof only looked slightly startled. Both of her ears were standing straight up.
“Did another bird hit my window? Fluttershy, I thought you told them not to fly near my house!”
With a gasp, Fluttershy raced across the room toward the window, the thought of an injured little bird giving her speed. Is this my fault? Is this one of the birds that wouldn’t listen…? Fluttershy threw open the window and looked out at the pathway in the cloud. A feathered creature was indeed on its back on Rainbow Dash’s front cloud, but to Fluttershy’s immense relief it wasn’t a bird that had crashed because of her. A gray pegasus with a messy blonde mane lay on her back outside, her golden eyes askew and surrounded by the contents of a brown satchel.
“Oh dear… it’s the mailmare,” Fluttershy said.
“Oh. Of course it is,” Rainbow Dash sighed, getting up off of the couch and moving toward the front door.
Fluttershy followed Rainbow as she stepped outside and went to help the gray pony to her hooves.
“You okay, Derpy?” Rainbow asked as the gray mare in question managed to stand.
Derpy gave her head a good shake, “Yep! Sorry, Rainbow Dash! I didn’t see your house again!”
“It’s okay, Derpy. At least you didn’t break anything this time!”
Derpy smiled and nodded, “You’re right!” She then leaned in closer to Rainbow Dash and a strange look crossed her face. Derpy’s normally in conflict gold pupils became synchronized as they stared straight into Rainbow Dash, “Maybe I should change that… and break you!”
Rainbow Dash looked at the suddenly very intense Derpy and then at Fluttershy, who merely shrugged nervously. When Rainbow looked back at Derpy, her eyes were once again askew and she was smiling blissfully.
“Oh, I almost forgot! I have mail for you!” Derpy reached into her satchel with her snout and made a confused squeak, “Huh? All my letters are gone!”
Rainbow Dash said nothing and gestured to the “floor” of the cloud they were standing on. Derpy looked down and saw the letters scattered everywhere.
“What? When did that happen?” Derpy asked.
“Probably when you crashed into my house!”
“Oh yeah! Uh, and when did that…?”
“Just now.”
“Right!”
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy both helped Derpy pick up her letters and put them back in her bag. Eventually, Rainbow found the mail addressed to her and Derpy had all of the her letters in her bag once again.
“Well, I have to get going. I need to deliver these letters fast so that I can get to Golden Harvest’s place on time to foalsit,” Derpy spread her wings and lifted up into the air. She looked back and waved as she began to fly away, “See you later, Rainbow Dash!”
“Eyes forward, Derpy! We talked about this!” Rainbow Dash yelled. This turned out to be a good thing, as Derpy returned her attention forward just in time to narrowly avoid crashing into a rising hot air balloon.
Fluttershy watched the gray pegasus go with a smile on her face. She’d never really had the chance to interact with Derpy despite knowing how close she and Rainbow used to be.
“Well, she seems nice!” Fluttershy said before placing a hoof over her mouth, “Except for that time she threatened to… ‘break’ you. That was weird...”
Fluttershy looked back at Rainbow Dash to find her tearing into her letter like a foal opening a birthday present.
“Who’s that from?” Fluttershy asked.
“Dunno. Didn’t say,” Rainbow Dash kept her focus entirely on opening the envelope as she responded.
Rainbow quickly pulled out the letter and unfolded it. Fluttershy watched her eyes move back and forth as she read its contents. The more she read, the more Rainbow Dash’s face seemed to turn into a scowl. When it seemed that she reached the end, Rainbow hastily crushed the letter in her hooves and began crumpling it up, glaring daggers into the paper.
“Um… what’s wrong?” Fluttershy asked.
“Nothing. ‘S just a stupid letter from a stupid jerk!” With an angry grunt, Rainbow Dash tossed the offensive paper over the side of the cloud that her home sat on.
When Fluttershy glanced over the side to follow the crumpled up letter, she spotted a pair of long-eared rodents on the ground below that appeared to be trying to get her attention. Oh dear, wonder how long they’ve been down there.
“Hey, you coming in?”
Fluttershy turned around and saw Rainbow Dash standing at her front door, gesturing inside. Fluttershy decided there was nothing else to do in this situation but be a little rude.
“Sorry, Rainbow. But I should go. Looks like there’s a bunny emergency.”
“Okay. Well, if ya need any more help with your problem…”
“Thank you, Rainbow.”
With a smile and a nod, Fluttershy turned back around and began a steady glide down to the ground below towards the increasingly frantically flailing bunnies. She couldn’t help but feel nervous...
“I’m not doing this,” Church said, breaking the long silence.
Church and Twilight both stood just outside the giant tree that served as the latter’s home and place of work. Just in front of them stood a pair of armor clad pegasi of the Royal Guard. The object of Church’s trepidation, however, was just behind them. A purple open air chariot with golden detail sat drawing Church’s scrutiny. It was, at first glance, an ordinary - albeit colorful - chariot. The fact that it had flown down drawn by the two pegasi standing before them now was what made it more than ordinary to Church.
“After everything we went through to get to Equestria, you’re having second thoughts now?” Twilight asked. Not that she would have minded simply skipping the wild goose chase in Dodge City in favor of staying in Ponyville.
“I still want to see Tex’s ship, Twilight. I just don’t want to get on that!”
Twilight took another look at the chariot in front of them, narrowing her eyes as she gave it a quick inspection. She was no chariot expert, but it looked up to code by her eyes.
“The sky-chariot? It’s the fastest mode of transportation in Equestria!” Twilight was thankful for her connections with Princess Celestia, otherwise she might not have gotten leave to use one. They simply didn’t have time for the long train ride it would have taken them to get to Dodge City otherwise.
“Yeah, you know what else it is? Fucking bullshit!” Church exclaimed.
Twilight glared at Church indignantly, a feeling of frustration rapidly rising, “What? Why?”
“Because gravity works! I’ve seen evidence of this my whole life! It’s science!”
“You’re science!”
“Wow. Nice one Twilight. You sure showed him!” the bickering interspecies friends turned around to see Spike waddling out the front door of the library tree hefting saddlebags that were much too big for the baby dragon to lift properly.
Twilight hastily took the bags in her magic and levitated them over to the controversial chariot. She hoped nobody noticed the blush that had formed once Twilight realized she had once again been drawn into a stupid argument with the abrasive human (who at this point had wandered off grumbling). To her dismay, Twilight noticed Spike was staring at her, but the worried look in his big serpentine eyes told her something else was on his mind. Twilight didn’t have to do much guessing to figure out what.
“Don’t worry Spike, I’ll be fine,” she gave her assistant a pat on the shoulder, “I don’t plan on being teleported to another planet this time!”
“Oh, and you planned on it last time?” Spike asked dryly.
“From what I’ve been told, Gamma is gone and so is the device he used to transport me. Trust me, I don’t think I’ll be going back to Church’s world any time soon!”
Spike looked pleadingly at her, “What if we need you?”
“You can use the vomit express to contact me any time. If the Meta attacks we’ll drop everything and come right back!”
“What if you need us?”
This time, Twilight looked away. She didn’t think that she’d really need her friends for what was going to be a quick and simple trip from which she’d likely return the next morning. Still, Spike was obviously worried, and Twilight always felt awful whenever he did that. Her ears pointed straight up as an idea occurred to her.
“I think I know just the thing we can use!” Twilight quickly ran into the carved out tree and disappeared. She returned a minute later holding a radio headset in her magical grasp. Twilight then presented it to her number one assistant.
“Here, put this on. If we need you, Church will contact you through this!”
Spike took the headset and placed it on his noggin with all too much enthusiasm, his earlier concern completely forgotten, “Cool! I’m like a real space soldier!” It didn’t take Spike long to figure out how to turn it on.
“This is Commander Spike! All units move into attack pattern X! ”
Church voice crackled over the radio in response, “Get off the radio! The last thing I need are random kids yelling in my ear!”
“I’m not a kid! … Noob!”
“Ugh, where’s the ‘mute’ button?”
Twilight just shook her head and sighed, “Boys…”
Soon, Twilight and Church climbed into the sky-chariot, ready to go. Twilight’s eyes suddenly widened.
“Wait… where’s Caboose?”
The long silence that followed Twilight’s question spoke volumes.
“You both ready?” one of the armored pegasi asked as he and his associate hitched themselves to the front of the chariot. “We’re on a tight schedule here. It’s now or never.”
Twilight bit her lip and looked down.
“Eh, he’ll be fine if we leave him here. Your friends seem like capable people… ponies… whatever,” Church said.
Twilight swallowed and nodded, “Yeah. I just hope they’re up to the task…”
With another ding and a sigh, Pinkie Pie removed another cake from the oven and gently placed it on the counter. Despite being a Pie, Pinkie always liked baking cakes. It was a delicate process that required much love and attention. Every cake she baked was her baby. It required just enough effort to keep herself occupied while allowing her freedom to do things her way, which often involved singing and dancing.
Pinkie wasn’t singing and dancing now though. She simply put the next pan of batter into the oven and started the timer. She then proceeded to apply icing to another cake while waiting for the one she’d just taken out of the oven to cool. Baking cakes was no longer something she did for fun. It was something she did out of necessity. She couldn’t afford to be idle, or she’d risk everything.
She applied more white icing. Nothing too fancy; she was out of all of the fun colors anyway. As she carefully applied the delicious white layers, she found herself thinking back to Twilight’s visit about two cakes ago. It had brought the pink party pony no shortage of relief to see her wayward purple friend safely returned. For one blissful moment, Pinkie had forgotten all about her troubles. Then Pinkie’s mind had been filled with images of Twilight Sparkle - one of her best friends - lying on the floor of the kitchen in a puddle of her own blood. Blood that also covered her own hooves.
“Even after I’m gone, those that I’ve been in still have a piece of me left!” O’Malley’s voice echoed through her mind, but it was just that: an echo. Nothing more. Pinkie was alone.
Even so, Pinkie’s hoof holding the icing spreader began to tremble. She tried to get a better grip on the utensil, but the extra application of strength caused her to accidentally impale the cake she was icing. The cake collapsed into pieces, making a fine mess all over the counter. With a gasp, Pinkie backed away from it. It was only fluffy brown cake dough, but all Pinkie saw was red.
“C’mon Pinkie Pie, smile smile smile!” Pinkie choked back a sob, “O’Malley can’t hurt these happy friends of mine…”
The only one who can do that now is you!
“Mmm… Man, this cake juice is yummy!” The sound of lip-smacking accompanied the new, strange voice. It was a male voice like O’Malley, only it was more innocent, filled with joy rather than malice.
Realizing that the voice was not in her head but in the room with her, Pinkie turned around and found herself looking up at a big blue creature. It stood on two legs and wore advanced armor like the other alien that Pinkie had seen, but there was something different about this one. Something about its slightly different looking helmet and posture gave it a more… naive look from the other. Like a foal, it dipped four of its fingers into a bowl of icing and batter and stuffed them underneath its helmet, bringing the sound of smacking lips to bear once again.
“Thanks, I made it myself!” Pinkie said, forcing a smile.
“I liked that little song you sang before, also!” The man in blue then asked, “Who’s O’Malley?”
Pinkie Pie stiffened, “No one! Just… a real meanie pants. It’s okay though, he’s gone now.”
“Yeah… I knew an O’Malley once. He was also mean.”
Nodding, Pinkie made to return to her destroyed cake to see if she couldn’t put it back together. She stopped in her tracks when the blue alien continued.
“He lived in my head for a while. He made me do some pretty mean things and made me think about doing even worse things, but he’s also gone now.”
Pinkie turned to look at the man once again, “What kind of things?”
“Oh, y’know. He made me really mad and try to hurt my friends… also Tucker. Oh! And he also talked about Red Bull a lot!” the blue man then sighed, “But the worst part was when he thought about doing really bad things to my friends because it was kinda like I was thinking about doing those things…”
Pinkie listened with rapt attention. Somehow, a being from another planet knew exactly what she was going through. She didn’t even know his name, but Pinkie Pie felt a special connection to the blue armored person as he continued.
“Y’know, I still think about hurting my friends sometimes when I’m hanging out with them, but it’s no biggie!”
Pinkie bit her lip and looked at her hooves. He was even telling himself that everything was okay just like she was, but he seemed to actually believe it!
“But… how do you know your friends are safe around you?” Pinkie Pie asked. “How do you know you won’t hurt them even if you don’t want to?”
At this, the man shrugged as if it wasn’t something he gave much thought to, “Eh, I don’t know…” He then took a step closer to Pinkie Pie and leaned closer so he could whisper to her.
“Don’t tell Church, but at first I was actually so terrified of hurting him that I pretended I didn’t remember who he was for a while. But then I remembered something else: I was terrified of hurting him! And if the idea of hurting Church scared me that much, then I knew it would never happen!”
Pinkie just stared at the big blue man with wide blue eyes and an agape mouth. It was suddenly so clear. Pinkie’s friends were in no danger from her at all! For the first time in days, Pinkie felt true joy, like when she looked upon her first birthday cake. Pinkie’s eyes began to feel moist and her vision began to blur. Even as she let out the first of many sniffles, Pinkie smiled wider than the day she received her cutie mark.
“Besides, I kill Church all the time…” the blue man was cut off as the tearful pink pony dove into his chest and hugged him tightly.
He seemed initially surprised, but no less cheerful as he swiftly returned the hug, holding Pinkie Pie in his arms. Right away Pinkie noticed that he wasn’t as soft or squishy as her pony friends, but that wasn’t a bad thing. Instead, he was tall and firm like one of her rocks back on the farm. She felt so safe and cozy in his embrace that she didn’t even mind that the part of his armor she was nuzzling was getting wet.
“Thank you! Thank you, thank you…” Pinkie kept repeating as she gripped him tighter. A thought then occurred to her. She wiped her eyes and looked up at the blue person, “Oh, wow! I’ve been so sulky that I completely forgot to ask what your name is!”
“I am Caboose! Destroyer of vehicles! Hugger of dogs!”
Pinkie grinned. The grin turned into a smile. The smile became a giggle. The giggle transformed into laughter.
“I like your name, Caboose!” Pinkie laughed, “It’s silly!”
“If you think my name is silly, you should meet Private Muffin Top!”