//------------------------------// // Pinkie vs Colgate // Story: Pound Cake, Pinkie Pie, and the Dentists // by bahatumay //------------------------------// Pound woke up early the next morning. He stretched his arms, flared his wings, popped his back, and yawned. He walked downstairs, bleary-eyed and stumbling. He scratched at his waistline and then staggered into the kitchen. He paused as he saw his parents peeking out through boarded-up windows. That was most definitely not something he usually saw in the morning. “Mom? Dad? What's going on?” In response, they turned and looked at him with the most frightened looks he had ever seen them wear. He stepped forward and peeked through the slats. And then his own eyes widened. Dentists. Dentists everywhere. They surrounded Sugarcube Corner, looking just like a zombie horde in a horror movie; if zombie hordes carried drills and forceps and canisters of expired laughing gas, that is. “What do they want?” Pound breathed. He screamed and jumped back as a dentist slammed into the window. Even behind the mask he wore, it was clear he was snarling, and he scratched at the glass as he attempted to get inside. “They want me.” They spun around. Pinkie stood behind them, standing tall and resolute. Her hands were on her hips, and she had a half smile on her face. “But hey, I can't blame them. Who wouldn't like a little slice of Pinkie's pie?” She looked at Pound and winked as she ran her tongue across the front of her teeth. Pound had to jam his hands into his pajama pockets again. She's doing that on purpose, he fumed silently. Sometimes it was hard being a stallion. “Pinkie, sweetie…” Mrs. Cake said slowly. “You're not actually thinking of going out there, are you?” Pinkie nodded. “It's all part of my plan,” she said. “Wait. You're going out there?” Pound asked. Pinkie nodded, crossing her arms angrily. “You bet your muffin tin I am,” she said. “Nopony messes with the best foals I've ever foalsatted and gets away with it.” Carrot took a step in front of the door. “We won't let you,” he said. “We can find another way.” “Oh. I was going to go out the attic, anyway.” Pinkie leaned over, grabbed a handful of sprinkles off the jar on the counter, and happily skipped up the stairs. The two older Cakes looked at each other. “I think she's serious,” Carrot said, horrified. They sprinted up the stairs and went to the window, but it was too late; Pinkie was already on the roof. Dentists began to climb up, but she threw handfuls of sprinkles at them. They hissed and backed away as if they would be burned by the mere contact with sugar. Pinkie grinned and jumped off the roof and landed with a somersault on the ground. “Colgate!” she shrieked. The gathered dentists shifted, and a blue unicorn stepped out of their midst. “You,” she seethed, glaring at Pinkie. “Me.” Pinkie reached into her pants and pulled out a rolling pin and a cooling rack. She slid it on her left arm as a shield and spun the rolling pin around her hand. “Let's settle this mano a mano, eh? One on one. Just you and me. Or else.” “Or else what?” Colgate asked. Pinkie dropped her weapons and reached into her little jacket. “Or else… I'll eat this cookie!” she proclaimed, holding the cookie up between two fingers and lifting it to the sky. Colgate paused. “Seriously?” she asked. “That's your 'or else'?” Pinkie lowered the cookie. “Maybe I didn't think this out so well,” she admitted. “I'd probably just have eaten the cookie anyway.” She shrugged, and then she did. She shoved the whole cookie into her mouth. Pound's jaw dropped. That had been a big cookie. And she’d taken the whole thing into her mou- He slapped himself on the cheek. Enough of that. Pinkie was in serious danger this time. “Anyway,” Pinkie said. “I’ve come to take you down. You hurt Pumpkin Cake, and she was my favorite filly to foalsit!” Colgate rolled her eyes. “Wait, wait, don’t tell me. You’ve come to get revenge on me and the rest of the dentists by defeating me.” “Well, actually, yeah,” Pinkie said slowly. She frowned and scratched distractedly at her face. “I dunno how well I plotted this plot…” She brightened. “But still, I mean, it shouldn’t be too hard. After all, I love sugar, you guys hate it, and sugar is the best!” “I do not hate sugar! I hate the tooth decay it causes!” Colgate spat. “And I say sugar is healthy,” Pinkie grinned. Colgate raised a fist. “Them’s fighting words, Pinkie,” she seethed angrily. Pinkie sank into a fighting stance. “Then bring it, Minuette.” Colgate roared and charged. Pinkie dropped to the ground, rolled, and charged right back. Pound covered his eyes with his wings, but even so couldn't look away. The two titans charged and time seemed to slow as they neared. And then… Pound paused. “Are they… fillyfighting each other?” Indeed they were. Pinkie was growling and pulling Colgate's mane and scratching at her face as Colgate dug her fingernails into Pinkie's shoulder and tried to bite her. The fate of Ponyville was being decided over a catfight. Pinkie suddenly pulled back and pushkicked Colgate away, and swung her right fist. Pound was certain that Colgate was about to be knocked into next Tuesday; but Colgate ducked quickly and popped Pinkie right on the nose. The punch looked far too fast to be normal. Pinkie stumbled back. She swung blindly, but Colgate dodged every punch by the thinnest of margins. She double-punched Pinkie, one high one low, and then leaned backwards as Pinkie retaliated, letting her punch just graze the tip of her nose. “How is she doing that?” Pound wondered. It had been rhetorical (and quiet), but Pinkie had heard and answered anyway. “Colgate’s special talent is making time move slightly quicker for her. She used it for painful things like tooth extractions…” She turned back to glare at Colgate. “-before the hatred of sugar overtook her!” “I do not hate sugar! I hate the tooth decay it causes!” Colgate repeated, and she punched Pinkie in the chest, making her stagger backwards. Pinkie raised her hands again, but Colgate faked right and then crossed left, sending a crashing left hook to Pinkie’s jaw. “So she's just inequinely fast?” Pound asked. “Yep, yep, yep,” Pinkie said pleasantly as Colgate rabbit-punched her, sending blood dripping from her nose. “I might lose this fight.” Carrot Cake fainted. “But Pinkie,” Cup pointed out, “you're inequinely fast, too!” Pinkie reached out and caught Colgate's next punch. The unicorn's eyes widened in shock, and Pinkie's widened with glee. “Ooh, you're right!” Pinkie said brightly. “I'd forgotten about that. This changes things!” And then Pinkie reared back and headbutted her. Colgate stumbled backwards and swung wildly, but Pinkie was gone. Colgate looked around and then felt a hoof plant itself firmly on her hindquarters. Pinkie shoved her forward. Colgate regained her balance and spun around, but Pinkie was no longer there. She pulled out a pair of pliers, and looked around desperately. Pound Cake watched in stunned fascination as Pinkie followed behind Colgate, playfully shadowing her every move with a fist shoved into her mouth to suppress her laughter. Suddenly, Colgate lashed a kick out behind her, and Pinkie jumped, performing the splits as she avoided it. She spun around, wildly swinging with her pliers, but Pinkie danced around her strikes. Literally danced; she was shaking her hindquarters and making rhythmic circles with her hands as Colgate got more and more frustrated. And then Pinkie slapped her. Colgate looked shocked. Pinkie smirked. And then slapped her again. Colgate was infuriated. She pulled out her sharp scrapers and tried to slash at Pinkie, but it was no use. Pinkie dodged, ducked, dipped, dived, and dodged every single one of her attacks; and then she lifted herself onto the tips of her hooves and spun… delivering a punishing backhand slap to Colgate’s cheek. Colgate rolled her tongue around her mouth, feeling for loose teeth, and, finding none, raised her hand to lift her mask so she could spit the blood out. Her hand hit nothing but air. She looked up, and her jaw dropped as she realized that in her right hand, Pinkie held her mask. It was Pinkie’s left hand she should have worried about. Pinkie pulled a red velvet cupcake out of her jacket and shoved it into Colgate's open mouth. Her eyes widened, but Pinkie grabbed her hands and placed her mane over her nose, forcing Colgate to swallow so she could breathe. When Colgate gasped for air, Pinkie released her hands and retreated with a stylish backflip. The unicorn couldn't suppress a little “Mmm,” as the flavor danced over her tongue. The dentists neared. As if by unspoken agreement, they decided that their leader was now one of the enemy. Colgate's eyes widened as she realized what was happening, and she scrambled upright. “No! No!” she cried, raising her hands to defend herself. It was no use. One came behind her and using a finger like a fishhook, jerked her lip back and jabbed his syringe into her mouth. Another held her down as a third lifted his forceps. Pound pulled his wings over his eyes as the screaming intensified… and then stopped. Their deed done, they turned as one towards Pinkie. Pinkie reached behind her back and pulled out two more cupcakes, one in each hand. She spun around, whipping the closest dentist, a yellow mare with a green mane, with her tail. The dentist took a deep breath in preparation, adn then froze in horror as she realized she was also not wearing a mask anymore. She instinctively dodged Pinkie’s cupcake by only the skin of her teeth; the frosting very nearly skimmed her cheek. That was enough for her; she turned and sprinted away. The other dentists seemed to agree. They backed away slowly, still snarling and hissing, but definitely defeated. When they’d left, Pinkie shoved the frosting into her mouth. “It wa’ a ‘oo’ ‘ay,” she said proudly.