//------------------------------// // All Migraines Great and Small // Story: Woundsalt, Mother Bucker. // by OneUppington //------------------------------// I notice some really odd things sometimes. For instance; I realised right now this will be the first time I ever knocked on a door. Sounds strange, doesn't it? Never before, until now. There's no door I didn't really want to knock back at Saint Diamond Heart's. There were times I could've knocked, like the time I caught Type Face and Morning Glory in Dusty Brush's closet for instance, but I didn't. There weren't many doors in The Canterlot Horn, and even if there were doors, I never knocked them. I seemed to catch ponies I needed to see on the way to their fancy-pants offices and talked to them all the way into the office. And you definitely don't need to knock on the door to enter a bar. So... this is a first for me. Not the first first of the day too, if I think about it. Not the last first neither. I found my first friend earlier this morning, who's organizing my first blind date tonight, which Rarity will be making my first suit to wear, so I for the first time would look dapper for the first time I meet Octavia Philharmonica. Although, this maybe the first first that I am in complete control of. That's a first. ...Thinking about firsts sure is thirsty work. I hope Fluttershy has coffee. And Kahlúa. No! No Kahlúa! Stay sober, Woundsalt! A sober Woundsalt is better than a Woundsalt with his face inside of him courtesy of Rainbow Dash! Let's just get this over with. Left hoof or... Yes, let's go with the left hoof. *knock knock knock* ...Was that good enough? Was it too loud? Too Quiet? Was three knocks enough? Should I have went with four? Is there a preference to this? Oooh, I hope I did it right! I bet it is terrible when you fuck up a knock-up! The door opens revealing the head of the pink-maned pegasis. She seems pleased. Maybe I knocked right? Yeah... Woundsalt, the master of all knockers! “Oh! Good morning, Woundsalt! Just a reminder for next time, can you use the doorbell? I got a squirrel in here who has a fear of woodpeckers, so when ponies knock he gets into a bit of a panic attack.” “Oh. Well, sorry to hear that.” Fuck! “That's okay.” Fluttershy opens the door completely.”Please come in! Sorry I didn't pick you up myself, I had to get some cleaning done. I found a baby turtle a few days ago that needed some TLC and... well, little Machiavelli hasn't learnt how to control his cloaca just yet.” Urgh. The worse thing about having a dictionary like mind like mine is that you instantly know what a cloaca is the moment an amateur zoologist says the word. “Right. It is all clean now, right?” “Oh, yes. I just finished up before you got here.” And with that, I step in. Shit, this is a lot amount of animals for a place like this. One big Bear in the corner, whole bunch of critters on one couch trying to calm down the pre-mentioned squirrel, Aquarium filled with rocks, water, the turtle and a heat lamp... … holy shit, is that an indoor pond in the next room? It is. I can hear the waterfall from here. And I bet its full of fish of different shape and sizes. I am getting a 'crazy cat lady' vibe right now. Funny though, I don't see any cats. It's like poor Shy got dumped and instead of filling the void with cats, she decided to have some variety and have every type of creature BUT cat. Better not say anything of the sort out loud, though. She HAS got a bear. Just sit down somewhere and admire the picture of her and Discord by the Eifilly Tower. Wait a fucking minute! “Why does the Eifilly Tower looks like it's just outside your house?” Fluttershy looks at the picture on the coffee table. “Well, there's no way I could afford a trip to Prance, so Discord thought it would be a good birthday present to move a bit of Prance to me. Don't worry, he put it back after the photo got taken.” Oh sweet Cadence. “Look, I know everypony says he is a good guy now, but when he does things like moving iconic buildings...” “I know, I know!” Fluttershy interrupts. “But it was for good intentions! Besides, he did say he asked for permission.” … “You don't think he's still planning anything, do you?” “Oh, no! He wouldn't dare! Besides, he knows where he'll end up if he did.” Ah yes, back in Canterlot Gardens having birds crap all over him. “Well, fine. But if he betrays you all to some monkey centaur from Tartarus and the Elements are not around to save you, don't say I didn't warn you.” “Oh now you're just being-” She pauses and looks at me confused. “Monkey centaur? Why monkey centaur?” “... I don't know. I think the condition just picked up some ancient mumbo jumbo. Probably not important.” The yellow pegasus shakes her head off the thought of what a monkey centaur might even look like. And the her eyes widen. “Oh! Silly me, I haven't offered you a drink yet! Would you like a drink?” “Coffee, if you have it.” “Milk?” “Please. And two sugars.” She smiles and... Ah fuck it... flutters to her kitchen, leaving me alone with the wild, surprisingly well tamed beasts. With their beady little eyes, and their... Huh. Twilight's owl is here. Well, I figure it should be back from Canterlot by now. Don't know why it's here and not back at the library. “Hey.” The owl looks at my direction for a brief second, then looks passively away. “Look, I'm sorry if I was harsh last night. I'm not entirely sure what I said, but from the parts I remember, I know I clearly crossed the line. Are we cool?” I don't know what is owl for 'Yeah, we cool', but I'm going to assume it's a bow like the one it made. “Good. Now if you don't mind me asking, do you have anything for me?” It lifts up his left foot, revealing a ribbon attached to a scroll. Looks like I got mail. “Thanks.” I take it off him. I only got the one. You'd think that if I wrote to both princesses, both would give me a reply. I'm guessing Celestia didn't want to reply to what I sent her. Fair enough, given the material. To my faithful student Woundsalt, Feels weird putting those words on top of the letter than the bottom... It's kind of weird to read too. You may be wondering why the owl is at Fluttershy's where you should be by now instead of back in the library. Fluttershy told me she wanted you to be to her house first thing last night, so naturally it would be better to send Owlowiscious here instead. He can use some care too after you surged at it. How did she... And before you ask how I know you snapped at my owl is because I PURPOUSELY used telepathy on him. Oh. Wait, does that mean... I finally gotten my alicorn magic under control! Now I will never be accidentally telepathic ever again... And no, I'm not going to use it on purpose now either! I don't even know why alicorns gained that ability to begin with. Well, good for her... and anyone willing to hang around her while thinking of their bank details. But enough about me, let's talk about your tears. No, ponies don't cry ink. How you managed to go through all your life not knowing that is beyond me, but I can assure you now, that's just you. It's more like water than anything else. So that clear stuff was- OOOOOOH okay. That's good to know. Anyway, I sent your letter to the lab when I was finished with it and they confirmed it. 100% ink. No traces of normal pony tears found. I just realised something; How come Doctor Brainstorm didn't notice such an obvious symptom as ink tears? Princess Luna might have to ask him that when he comes to the castle today. Princess Luna? Well, if Princess Celestia is on to me, I guess she would get her sister involved too. And since my case involves prophetic dreams, she'll be perfect to have for some fact finding. Usually, I'd be against blatant invasions of my privacy but after Saint Diamond Heart, somepony there to hold my hoof would not go amiss. But I can't pretend that a pony that can cry ink is the weirdest thing I read today. Celestia showed me what you wrote to her... Wow. Yeah. Wow is definitely a word to say given the situation. I think it's safe to say she's not happy about this. After all, you did just accuse an old friend of hers, one who is called the VIRGIN Mother of Plenty, for being a lover of plenty. She'll be checking that trap door out, and if this turns out be false... Well, if you weren't fearing princesses before, you're really going to soon enough. … eep. Please tell me there's good news for me in this letter. I hate to bring more bad news, but about Rain Coat... Fuck! I was up sending and receiving a few messages from Prime Minister Beer Broth of Oatstralia when Owlowliscious came in. When I asked to check for Rain, it turns out he already knew her. Oh! Well that's convenient! Wait, why is it bad news? She died right in front of him on his last trip in Darwhinny. Oh. However, the police checked her place and it turns out she was making blue-prints for something. Her writing pretty smudgy but the title is clear: DETACHABLE HORN. … Oh my fucking goddess. I didn't even know where I got the idea for a detachable horn when I wrote my letter, and now she's telling me such a thing has a blueprint. Either great minds think alike or... My CMC... … This is making my head spin. “Hey Fluttershy, can you get me an aspirin while you're in there?” “I'm sorry, but I don't have any. Not since a curious seagull got into my medicine cabinet. She didn't eat anything, thankfully, but after a close call like that I just had to make my first aid kit critter friendly.” “Ah, never mind then. I'll just take a detour to the nearest pharmacist on my way to Apple Jack's.” Like I'd want an any pill that is stored here in my mouth anyway. Especially with little Machiavelli having a cloaca mishap. They'll send this blueprint up to me to see if I can make anything from it. I'm not suggesting to get excited yet, but we could have just found a way to control the CMC. Hope you're having a good first day in Ponyville. If not, don't worry. Mine almost ended in an age of darkness. Sincerely, Princess Twilight Sparkle PS: Luna just came in to tell me that PMZ managed to get snaps with me and you on the way to the library and P! Found out I adopted somepony, BUT they didn't make the connection yet. All they've speculated so far is what we want them to see this is; an innocent student-teacher relationship. If you want tell them what the truth is, you can. Quite personally, I would keep it quiet until they guessed it right. Huh... I thought the chariot-chasers would have gotten the full scoop by now. I turn to Owlowliscious. “Okay buddy, here's the rub. You can stay here as long as you like today, but I want you home by the morning so I can send a letter for Twilight. If you get in before I do, don't be alarmed or anything. It probably means Rainbow Dash was right and I somehow got myself into a threesome.” The owl looks at me, confused. “... Long story. Now go do that hoo-hoo that you do so well.” The owl flaps to the top of the mantlepiece, probably to continue his conversation with the bald eagle I might have rudely inter... Wait... is that... mine? THE DOVE MIGHT BE DEAD by WOUNDSALT I'm going to have to tell you something that you might dread I'm going to have to tell you that the dove might be dead. I know the thought of seeing it again just makes you smile But it hasn't returned yet, and it's been gone for a while. The fact that you still love the dove makes this very hard For me to tell you that dove's return is not exactly in the cards. But let me tell you something before a tear dares hit the floor If you look beyond this point right now, there will be birds galore. You may find a wise old owl willing to share its mind An eagle, although regal, can be proven to be kind. A penguin will defend you as if you really are its egg And a pigeon will always feed you even if it is just bread. I never met a kookaburra that doesn't love a good time Nor a pelican that doesn't have a place for one to hide. You can marvel at all the things that a finch has went and founded And you can be honest with an ostrich because the ostrich is well grounded. And I can continue like a parrot telling more but I'm not here to discuss pigs, so I'll stop being a bore So get it in your head, the dove might be dead But it's not the only bird out there, kid and any bird can give you the wings of freedom... which that dove never did. I see Fluttershy at the corner of my eye, holding a tray with two cups of coffee. “Funny story about how I got that, actually. I had an actual dove that flew off one day. I beat myself up about it, worried about it; It was the first animal that ran away like that, I didn't know what to do. Then I wandered down the Renter side one day and an extraordinary gentlecolt who ran a bar there had this hanging up close to the stage there. The title caught my eye and... I just had to have it.” I turn back to the frame with my work embroided onto it. Then back to her. I just can't believe this. I have a fan. A fan with a bar. A fan who had this hanging in his establishment. Who made a fan out of Fluttershy. “Wh... Who gave you this?” Her smile doubled in size. “That's another funny thing about this. He said his brother wrote it.”