”...and unlike the common southern hydra, the turso spouts plague and poison,” said Paki as he pointed to one of the grotesque skulls hanging on the opposite wall. If he was as disturbed as Twilight, he didn't show it.
”Sorry, am I being too graphical?” he said, turning a worried glance to Twilight. She laughed uneasily.
”Probably not. It is just that... well, we ponies are unused to killing even beasts," she said. "And king Ukko even has the skulls and skins of his sentient enemies on his wall... even if it was his ancestors who killed them.” She looked at the huge, misshapen canine skulls clustered on one part of the wall and shivered. The skolls had sounded mostly like arctic diamond dogs... of course those caused conflicts, but it wasn't like they were slain over it...
”This is a rough country, Lady Sparkle,” said Paki solemnly. ”Tell me, is it true that the whole of Equestria is one big park, where all animals are domesticated, the trees and flowers planted by ponies?”
Twilight hesitated. ”No, that's not true, I mean, the animals are still wild, though... of course... I mean...” And we have even weaned the predators off eating meat, and Fluttershy cries when she has to give her meat-eating animal friends fish, and is afraid bugs will be hurt when Applejack plows her fields...
”So it is true?” said Paki, his face sympathetic but very serious.
”I guess it is,” said Twilight. ”Though there are a few places like Everfree Forest, where the plants grow free and the animals still eat each other, where the weather comes as it like... oh my!” She turned to Paki.
”That's how your country is, isn't it?” she said.
Paki nodded and his face brightened. ”Well, it is a civilized place, unlike Tarandroland," he said. "We have tried to quell the hungry beasts and the plague bearing bugs, at least on the savannah where zebra live. And the Mansa will stamp His hooves with the power of the God Who Rides Him, and keep the jungle and the desert back from our beloved sea of grass, but it is not as if His Majesty cares for each blade of grass or each butterfly,” he spoke with happy reverence.
It was Twilight's turn to nod and smile. ”I think I understand my friend the zebra better now... why she lives where she does...” Twilight said.
”You clean away winter each year in Equestria, do you not?” asked Paki. ”Sweep away the snow, bring the birds by pegasus, coach the buds to burst into leaves?”
”Yes, we do,” said Twilight. ”I guess you don't?”
Paki laughed. ”Well, to me snow is something that belong on high remote mountaintops, and the dry and rainy seasons come and go as they want," he said. "But I was talking about the reindeer. Do you know what they do to bring about spring, Lady Sparkle?”
”I read something about some ritual, about 'Fighting the Winter'...” Twilight tried to remember.
”That's no ritual. They mean it literally. Every year, the reindeer have to fight Winter and its creatures – you can see the trophies up there on the wall,” Paki said as he pointed with his hoof to the skulls and skins.
Twilight gasped. ”But... what if they lose?” she wondered.
”Then spring, and hence summer, doesn't come that year. But I don't think they have ever truly lost in recent memory, though it happens that the grazing reindeer of the tundra cannot hold, and the fight spills down onto the coastal reindeer,” Paki explained.
”This country is close to the edge of the world, Lady Sparkle, and the cold void of space. It seems the recent years have been especially bad, with nidhoggs everywhere – at least there is less money to spend on coffee!” he added and smiled wryly.
”Nidhoggs?” Twilight mumbled, still stunned by the new-found understanding of her hosts.
”I was coming to them... See those dragon-like skulls to the back of the king's throne?” Paki stretched over the table and pointed with his hoof again. Twilight nodded.
”Those are not of dragons, but huge serpent-beings maybe kin to dragons, but dumb beasts," he said matter-of-factually. "They have an enchanted breath like a dragon; not fire, but the void-cold of empty space. It flash-freezes a reindeer in a blink, as if their huge jaws were not enough. And they are known as nidhoggs.”
”They eat reindeer?” Twilight wondered.
”Only by accident,” Paki said. ”The common nidhogg eats nothing but frozen wood, but seems to like the taste of the prepared wood of houses, huts and ships, and views the reindeer inside as the cream-filled center, as it may be.”
”And they have grown common?” Twilight said.
”It seems like it," he said. "It is one of those things they don't talk much about, and much of this winter-fighting is done by the grazing reindeer, which I rarely see." They pondered this in silence for a short while, until interrupted by more servants with yet another course.
”I don't know if I can take any more ways to serve lichen in an unappetizing manner!” Twilight moaned.
”You keep actually eating, it is your loss,” teased Paki. ”But this is not lichen, I think we are on to dessert.”
It seemed he was right – in their wooden bowls were golden-colored berries that seemed to be jellied and some kind of curdled milk.
”Cloud-berries – this might actually be edible!” chuckled Paki and dug in. ”Oh yes, this is very good!”
Twilight tested and found he was actually right.
”It is! What about this milky thing... I didn't think many cattle lived here in Tarandroland?” she said as she licked juice from her muzzle. Paki laughed.
”It's reindeer milk, of course!" he explained "If I am correctly informed, Princess Ljufa herself helps provide for the palace supply." Twilight froze.
”What, you cannot eat reindeer milk?” he said and looked at her.
”No no, it's just that... in Equestria, giving milk is a low-paying menial job!" Twilight tried to explain. "It's done by cattle before they get a decent education or if they cannot have one at all... I mean, being a milk cow after 20 and ponies look down on you! Yet Princess Ljufa is, well, royalty...”
”You ponies are seriously weird!” said Paki, shook his head, and dug into the more than generous serving of dessert.
Twilight was determined to enjoy the dessert too, since Paki was no longer very conversant, and she hadn't gotten much out of the other courses. The lichen ale had also been almost undrinkable – the lichen vodka had actually been quite good, but you cannot spend a dinner subsisting on hard liquor, even if the reindeer seemed to try. However, when she stopped talking to Paki her Poatsi kicked in and she started to hear what those reindeer on the opposite end of the table was actually saying...
”Well,” said a fat sarv, ”it is now official: the King is an idiot and a jerk!”
Twilight quickly looked around to see the reaction to these words of treachery, but nodeer seemed to care.
”Come on!” said the vaja next to him, of a similar girth. ”It is not like these Hestalanders give him much to work on, is it? I mean, just look at their arrogance!”
”The nerve!” huffed the vaja on the fat sarv's other side. ”Imagine bringing her here!” All but one of the other reindeer solemnly nodded.
Poor Princess Luna! Twilight thought. It probably was a bad idea for us to come anyway...
”Who?” asked the reindeer who hadn't partaken in the solemn group-nod. ”What are you talking about?” He was leaner than the others and looked like he had been constructed out of dry wood, smeared with glue and then very hastily dipped in reindeer fur. His clothes were more high-class than his table neighbor, but very ill-fitting.
”You grazers are impossible, Jarl Vidar! Don't you get the news?” The smaller vaja pointed in what she presumably thought was a surreptitious way straight at Twilight. ”Twilight Sparkle! Skinfaxi's Shadow!” Twilight's mouth hung open.
”The purple unicorn? What's so special about her? Isn't she one of their stupid servants or something?” the rough-looking reindeer asked.
”She is only the greatest sorceress in Hestaland!” hissed the fat sarv.
”And the most evil!” hissed the fat vaja. Twilight's jaw actively dislocated and her heart froze. She was actually going to defend herself but the thinner vaja started again.
”Why, she had barely entered the palace before she ordered the palace maids into an obscene orgy!” she said in a heated whisper. ”I heard it from the major domo herself, the maids are inconsolable!”
Twilight wondered if it was possibly to merge with the chair or the table, possibly the floor.
”But it wasn't like that at all...” she whimpered to herself.
”And Princess Skinfaxi tolerates this?” said Jarl Vidar somewhat incredulously. The other reindeer nodded.
”When she cannot act without losing that Hestaland holiness or the purity of the Sun Goddess, she sends 'Lady' Sparkle and her cabal. She freed Hrimfaxi from her prison and summoned and bound Äitsi, do you think white magic could do that?” the well-informed vaja explained.
That almost dragged Twilight out of her trance and into an academic lecture on the non-existence of such things as 'black' and 'white' magic, but she was too slow.
”Say there is a conflict with one of the border herds; Sparkle goes there, and one plague of mouth and hoof later, no buffalo, no conflict," the fat sarv began. "Say a pest of Devourers descends upon a city favored by Skinfaxi; Sparkle turns up, and the next day they are eating less-favored Fillydelfia instead. And Skinfaxi keeps her white coat ritually clean and the country, I must say, working well. I mean, I understand the needs for dire measures in running a country – a superpower – but the nerve! In sending her here!” The fat sarv was very angry, and Twilight was speechless.
The reindeer with the mangy fur nodded and emptied another vodka glass which would have killed Big Macintosh Apple, yet did not seem scared.
”I say we should accept," he said. "We should hunt down those damnable fools going a-Viking, and in return that unicorn neighcromancer can help us with our problems."
The others looked aghast at Jarl Vidar.
”What? Oh, I know it is Hestaland's fault to begin with, but now is not the time to be proud. You don't know how bad it is; now is the time to be practical! And the king's idiocy in not using this pirate business to get help from a virtual superpower when, I impress upon you coastal fools, the tundra is dying, it is absolutely monumental,” he snarled.
Luna was swinging between cold, cold fury and the deepest, most embarrassing pity, the one where you feel so sorry for another pony that you want to just go away and die to end the shame. At least now she understood the conspicuous absence of King Ukko. He had probably been either really hungover or, in his current state, really stinking drunk.
She, like the haughty unicorn courtiers closest to her, Lady Thisandthat and Lord Soandso or whatever their names were, she didn't remember and didn't particularly care, had tried to make conversation, but not even the most innocent or inane subjects got more than a grunt from the King.
If the strange menu – which was not only traditionally reindeer, but traditionally reindeer in the worst possible way, like it was composed of all the meals you are forced to put on the table at big holidays just because it is 'tradition' and your oldest and most irritating aunt will throw a fit if it isn't there – had been the King's idea, he didn't seem to relish it himself, since he was only drinking vodka from a private jar. The jar was kept re-filled, not by any of the servants, but by one of the five nobledeer placed close to him, a different one every time. They were warriors, judging from their uniform-bardings, and seemed dismayed at this duty but put up with it. Finally, the strange brew of shame and anger, seasoned with curiosity, had filled Luna completely and she couldn't be the courteous modern Princess anymore.
”King of the Reindeer,” she said in Poatsi – a rather ancient Poatsi close to Ancient Cervine, but we will translate the gist here - ”why do you treat your housebucks, your sworn warriors, as serving maids? Is that not unbecoming of a reindeer warrior?”
Ukko glared at her, his eyes red and sickeningly moist, mirthless despite the smile that spread on his foam-flecked lips.
”Because that is all they are good for, Moon-Raiser!” he said. Luna frowned.
”Is that really true?" Luna said. "Then why do you not throw them out your hall, find yourself new warriors? Or are you, the Drunkard King, a fit leader for a herd of warrior-maids?”
If any of the Equestrian entourage understood what they were talking about, they didn't show it. In fact, the unicorns frowned most deeply at the distinct lack of Equestrian at this part of the table right now. Some of the reindeer got the conversation, among them Princess Ljufa, who paled as much as a furry creature with milk-white fur can do and silently mouthed 'no no please no' as she shook her head.
Ukko sent a gaze of pure undiluted hate at Luna, then he suddenly laughed uproariously, and about three seconds too late his housebucks followed suite, and laughed awkwardly with him.
”Because, Star-Spreader, there are none!" he said. "Besides me, there are no true warriors to be had in Poatsula! All I get in my court these days are wood-carvers and shop-keepers, and all my warriors are good for is fetching me more liquor to drown my misery at the state of the world – and Poatsula!” He rose up, unsteadily, and grabbed his rune-carved spear from under the table, where he apparently had kept it like an old stallion might have his crutch.
”This used to be a great country, a century ago, a thousand years ago!" he shouted, his voice heard all along the table. "We were like the calving glacier, the northern storm, the waves coming from the edge of the world! We were real deer and the world respected us, admired us, feared us! And now we are NOTHING!” He slammed the spear into the table, its runes spitting acid and embers and lightning.
His daughter desperately tried to grab his tail, to touch him, to calm him down, but he shoved her aside roughly. Luna looked even grimmer, and her mane started to move of its own accord.
”A thousand years ago, your kind were NOTHING!” she said with her own snarl. ”You were thieves and murderers, superstitious animals who cowered at the sight of a building or real magic, who wiped your asses with written wisdom and died screaming in your own vomit since you knew nothing of physick! NOW, you are a real people, strong and wise!”
The king swung to meet her, his spear now in his teeth, which meant he lost valid shouting time as he moved it, giving Luna the opportunity for a second attack as her eyes became galaxies and her voice boomed like falling meteors.
”Foolish young mortal, cervine child carved from dry pine, I WAS THERE!" she thundered. "The good old times were filled with still-birthed fawns and stupidity, rotting harvests and selfishness, damp darkness and mindless tyranny. Young king who fancies himself old, you know not of what you speak, so BE SILENT!” Luna's wrath was now obviously palpable enough for everyone to understand the basics of what was going on, but of the ponies, only Twilight caught what she said, her anger at the words about herself momentarily forgotten in fear and sadness.
”It is easy for you to talk, Night-Haunt, when your own throne stands upon a country that now rules the world!” snarled King Ukko. ”Not even the parts of the world that are not part of Hestaland are free from your reigns, your and your Sun-Steering sister's!”
”Are you blind as well as stupid and vain, little cervine?” Luna rumbled. ”Do you dare call modern Equestria an empire? I have CO-RULED an empire! I have ORDERED my country to spread! I have ORDERED legions to march, and fly, and witch-leap! I have ORDERED non-ponies enslaved or slaughtered! I have LAUGHED on battlefields and DRUNK to massacres! Thanks to the infinite wisdom gained through ages by my sister Celestia, Equestria is no longer an empire! We are also no longer as stupid and cruel and vain as we were in your beloved good old times, King Ukko!”
”Not an empire of hoof and bite and barding, Nightmare Goddess, but an empire nonetheless! What is everyone speaking here this evening?!” the King said. Luna glowered at him.
”As far as I can tell, King Ukko, we are speaking Poatsi, one of many children of Ancient Cervine, the language of all deer-kind, which I had part in shaping one night when another Goddess was sick or in mourning, I have forgotten which.”
”Oh, the immortal moon-witch speaks my language – but everyone else has to speak the language of ponies!” said the King and waved the spear kept under his front leg, causing a lot of ducking at the table in case a rune went off. ”In fact, if I called here the Mansa of the zebras, the Grand Sachem of the buffalo or the qi-rin Mi-ka-do, we would have to speak your language – because it has spread all over the world! Cold ice coat my antlers, if we all gathered here to conspire the defeat of Hestaland, we would have to speak your tongue to do it! Everything you do is all over the world, everyone wants to be you!”
”So what, you want me to be feeling guilty because my little ponies have actually been successful at what they do, that their ideas are worth copying?" Luna snarled. "Is that your meaning!?”
Luna had now stood up with her front hooves on the table, and so had the King, both glaring at each other and foaming at the mouth. The nervousness got the better of the people present, pony and deer alike, and bad things started to happen at once.
At the King's side, his hitherto vodka-fetching cronies had somehow found wicked spears and double-bitted axes and jagged knives under their seats, and weapons in teeth they sprung up on the table as well. One be-robed reindeer showed himself to be the sorcerer responsible for the shimmering light display in the roof, as he started to chant and a small fireball started to take shape within his antler-cage.
On the Princess' side, the members of the Lunar Guard who until now had sat content among the other nobleponies, distinguished only by ceremonial court uniforms, were now up and at the ready, hidden weapons magicked out of their coats. Here, a black unicorn mare concentrated as a score of darts and throwing stars rotated telekinetically in the air around her, ready to be thrown. There, a pegasus in gray bat-wings fluttered over the table, long knives sprung from his front hooves.
To their credit, both monarchs reacted about at the same time, though of course afterward their respective supporters would claim otherwise.
”Are you all INSANE? You IDIOTIC COWARDS!” shouted King Ukko and actually kicked the housebuck closest to him. ”Would you break the sacred laws of hospitality and commit actual violence against a guest! DOWN AND BEGONE OR I'LL SLAY YOU ALL, PERSONALLY!”
”STOP THIS AT ONCE!” thundered Luna. ”I didn't even ask for you to be armed and ready! Why are you even here?! Who needs you?! BACK OFF OR I'LL FLAY YOU ALL AND USE YOUR HIDES AS NAPKINS!”
Unlike screaming at each other, the screaming at their underlings had the designed effect. Everything grew quiet at the table except for the heavy breathing of the two monarchs. Ukko stood up and trotted away. Luna did the same in the opposite direction, screaming for her hoofmaiden. A crying Princess Ljufa stammered apologies to no one in particular.
Lord Eminence seemed to appear just now, and if anyone who knew him had looked at him and expected him to be his usual smug self, they would have been mistaken. The gray unicorn looked merely sad and grim as he demonstrated the use of the common Equestrian face-hoof.
Luna strode, still full of fury, down one of the corridors leading away from the feast-hall and hopefully towards her quarters. She was surrounded by a gaggle of courtiers trying to sycophantically show their support, lambast her for her behavior, or merely figure out what was going to happen now, especially since none of them had actually understood what the cervine monarch and the alicorn was quarreling about. Twilight Sparkle was there next to her, but not being very hoofmaidenly; while she had caught some of Luna's anger, it was tainted with her own experiences.
”It is obvious now why the King doesn't want to stop the piracy!” Luna fumed. ”He is supporting them because they act as his beloved old barbarian murderers!”
”You should just use me to stop them,” mumbled Twilight. ”After all, I am an evil sorceress who bathes in the blood of virgins when I am not committing genocide or poisoning princes...”
Luna was too angry to understand or care what Twilight was talking about, but some of the other unicorns heard and was even more confused. Her vague explanation didn't exactly help, and soon it was known that official reindeer propaganda had painted a heroine of Equestria as an evil witch, and even unicorns who one minute ago would have sneered at Twilight's name were suddenly incredibly angry and defensive.
”King Ukko is barely worthy of his rank!” Luna raved. ”Why, his beloved ancestors would at least have admitted his treachery!”
”Your Highness,” Lord Soandso (or another unicorn, surprisingly similar) entreated the Princess, ”please, don't talk like that! He is still the King of Tarandroland!”
”No, he is not!” said a small angry voice in front of them. Everyone stopped and looked where they were actually going.
In front of them stood a very young sarv on his first set of antlers. His voice was hoarse and his eyes red from angry tears. He glared at them.
”Spike?” said Twilight who just saw her little assistant behind the reindeer.
”He used to be the real king,” the reindeer said ”but he isn't any longer! He is just a useless, selfish coward, who cannot do anything but drink all night and sleep all day and moan about how everydeer should pity him because life has been sooooooooo mean to him!”
He sniffed loudly, drawing back snot into his nostrils.
”He doesn't deserve to be king anymore," the sarv continued. "He only cares about himself! He doesn't CARE about Poatsula anymore. He doesn't CARE about my mother! He doesn't CARE about me!”
The Equestrian delegation stared uneasily at him as he sniffed again. Spike cleared his throat.
”Hi Twilight," he said. "Hi Luna. This is my new buddy, Prince Vigg. The heir to Tarandroland.”
Thanks to krdragon for proofreading!