Twilight OP pls nerf

by SpiritDutch


Nonconsensual Ticket Distribution

Three days later.


The sky over Ponyville where filled with the sound of a million vengeful trumpets, and clouds roiled and churned a violent red. A billion motes of purple light descended into town, and a shaft of light coursed to the ground.

The former site of the Golden Oak Library then short-lived crystal tree, now the spot of Ponyville Tree Library and Wedding Chapel MK 2, was lit up by this heavenly beam. The citizens of Ponyville approached cautiously, dazzled by the display. With a sound like rolling thunder, a silhouette appeared.

"Hi guys I'm back." Princess Twilight Sparkle stepped from the light. The vibrant light and sound show abruptly disappeared without a trace. Most everypony dispersed, with reactions ranging from disappointed cries to panicked screaming and galloping.

But five ponies and a dragon stayed.

"Hello Princess Twilight. Back from your honeymoon already?" Rarity greeted cheerfully.

"We only just finished cleaning up the crazy wedding." Pinkie expositioned.

"Oh, uh... Yeah. Luna and I decided to a trial separation period." Twilight said dolefully. "She's staying with Celestia and doesn't wan't me within several hundred miles, so I'll be crashing here for a few months."

Applejack could be seen passing a smug Rainbow Dash a sack of bits.

"Oh no, did something happen?" Fluttershy asked.

Twilight grimaced. "The real problem was how little happened."

"What'dya mean? Couldn't get it up in bed?" Rainbow Dash joked.

"Ok, that was inappropriate on multiple levels." Twilight said.

"Wholly unbecoming of you." Rarity agreed.

"Too soon." Applejack said.

"I laughed." Pinkie contributed.

"It was just that she was still a bit raw from the rainbow purging laser beam I-... I mean we, zapped her with. And the thousand years of banishment. And the recovery from being a physical embodiment of jealousy and night." Twilight whistled. "Basically, the marriage was a bit preemptive."

"Not to mention a wedding that nuts was a trauma in and of itself." Pinkie said.

"I told you Stolkhorn Syndrome is bunk." Rainbow Dash gloated.

"I'm also coming to realize she has the mental maturity of a eight year old." Twilight added. "She's regressed a bit from her time on the moon."

"Oh goodness." Rarity gasped. "That's awful!"

Twilight suddenly became very dour. "What is awful? Are you disparaging my wife?"

Rarity was in the throes of the default mental state of most ponies talking to Princess Twilight, confusion mixed with defensive horror. "No! I just wonder if that's a little young..."

"No no, it's ok because she's actually about a thousand." Twilight insisted.

"But you said her mental age..."

Twilight cocked an eyebrow. "What, do you hate eight year olds or something?"

"No."

"I love eight year olds." Twilight said. "I remember when I was eight, so naive and full of joy, innocent to the true hardship and horrors of the world..." She trailed off.

"But no divorce?" Applejack interrupted Twilight's ruminations.

"No not yet. That completely insane wedding already cost the state, like, a lot of dosh. We'll see if fondness makes the heart grow fonder," Twilight said. "or however that saying goes." She looked over the group. "So Spike, how've you been?"

Spike paddled up to his benefactor, scowling. "Starving, thanks for asking. Nopony's fed me in days!"

"I left you with two hundred bits."

"I can't eat those!"

Twilight shrugged. "We'll go out for Thai later or something. But right now I'm thinking about spending time with my friends."

"Ahem, when you say friends, you wouldn't be referring to us five would you?" Rarity asked skeptically.

"Oh, no." Twilight said patronizingly. "I found five other ponies with whom I went on a life changing adventure."

"What the hay, Rarity!? We were her best mares. Don't you consider her a friend?" Applejack accused.

"It's only because I thought you were above friends." Rarity defended. "I assumed you considered us servants or whipping-girls or some such."

"Or sexy slaves." Rainbow Dash laughed.

"Eh, Rarity's kinda right." Twilight said, drawing confused looks from everypony. "I use a very broad definition of friend."

"Good enough for me!" Pinkie smiled.

"Getting bored now." Twilight mimicked a yawn. "I'll associate and bond with you lot later, or maybe not. Don't call me, I'll call you." Spike and Twilight evaporated away into magical smoke.

-


Some time later.

Ponyville's Golden Oak Library MKII had been commandeered by Princess Twilight, much like it's predecessor-twin had. Except that this time the princess had settled for moving in instead of demolishing it and massacring everypony inside.

She was maxing relaxing on the couch, reading about alternate universes, when a small white card appeared in the air above her in a flash of yellow magic. Twilight pulled it from the air.

"Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Equestria, is hereby invited to the formal coronation of Luna, Princess of Equestria. Please RSVP. Sincerely, Celestia."

Seconds later, two golden tickets appeared in the same way as the card had. Twilight looked them over, then yelled up to the second floor.
"Hey! Spike! Wanna come to my wife's coronation?"

Spike waddled over to the edge of the floor. "Not really."

Twilight frowned. "Too bad. If I go alone I'll look like a tool."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Then take one of your new 'friends'."

Twilight considered this. "See, I'm still hesitant to interact with them outside of a heavily regulated environment. What if i drive them away? I told Luna wouldn't mind control her much or anypony ever again, and I'm determined to keep my promises to her for at least the next few decades."

"Whatever. I'm not going."

"Fine. Good. Then you can stay and do laundry all that day." Twilight huffed, and teleported away before Spike could respond.

---


"Hey, Applejack. Wanna come to Luna's coronation in a couple days?"

Applejack paused from bucking an apple tree. "She invited you?"

Twilight shook her head. "Nah, Celestia did. Predictably, she misses my charming company and wants me back."

"I ain't doubtin it." Applejack replied dryly. "You're goin?"

"I just invited you along, stupid." Twilight bit.

"Just making small talk." Applejack glanced around.

"It'd be rude not to go, and I abhor rudeness." Twilight explained. "My invitation was for two."

"I be surprised if she wanted a humble farmer like me there." Applejack said. "You sure somepony else wouldn't be better?"

"So that's a no, you don't want to come." Twilight sighed.

"Ah ain't sayin that, just that you might find a better partner somewhere else." Applejack insisted.

Twilight goaded. "You know, you're right. I was a fool to think a country bumpkin layabout earth pony redneck like you would be the least bit interested in the upper echelons of society."

Applejack went back to bucking apple trees.

"This is the part where you are duped by my clever use of reverse psychology." Twilight said flatly. After several more seconds of silence she folded. "See you later then." Twilight sighed.

"Later."

-

"Hey, Rainbow Dash!"

"Hey yourself! I'm napping here." Rainbow yelled back down to Twilight.

Twilight flew up to Dash's cloud. "Wanna come with me to Canterlot for Luna's coronation?"

"Who was Luna again?" Rainbow asked.

"The princess formerly know as Nightmare Moon." Twilight pantomimed swirling darkness overtaking the bright and sunny lands of Equestria, only to be vanquished and transformed into a paragon of innocence. "Also, my legally if not emotionally bound spouse."

"Oh yeah!" Rainbow nodded. "With that super crazy wedding everypony tells me about. Honestly, I must have been so far gone, I don't even remember being there."

"Yes yes. So, will you come with me to Canterlot?" Twilight asked.

"Will there be a performance by the Wonderbolts?"

"No, this is a coronation not a rodeo." Twilight said. "Though perhaps if it had been a rodeo Applejack might have been more receptive to the idea. I could make it a rodeo..."

"Will you reunite with Luna all over the throne room?"

"Only consensually if at all, so probably not."

Rainbow flopped back into the fluffy cloud. "Then no."

"You're a great friend, Dash." Twilight snarked, flying back down to town.

-

"Pinkie, you're coming with me to my wife's coronation whether you want to or not!"

Pinkie looked up from the table where she was kneading dough. "Ok!" She responded enthusiastically.

"Oh." Twilight blinked. "I wasn't expecting you to accept for some reason. Guess I forgot you love parties."

"I sure do! Your wedding was the most fun I've had in years! Scary, but fun! I'd love love love to go to another!"

"Excellent. So the date is tentatively set as a week from-"

Pinkie interrupted. "Will there be any deaths?"

Twilight blinked. "My in-laws are mostly immortal, so no."

Never breaking from her manic smile, Pinkie slowly pulled a dagger from her behind the counter. "Thats too bad. A Canterlot coronation without a least three deaths is a dull affair."

"Uh, yeah..." Twilight looked around nervously. "Like i was saying, it's a year from Tuesday. I'll contact you again as the big day nears. By by now." She backed away slowly.

Pinkie was practicing stabbing her lump of dough. "See ya!"


-

"Isn't it depressing I'm settling for you?"

"What was that dear?" Rarity was stacking swatches of cloth in the back of her store.

"Uh, nothing. Say, would you be interested in seeing Canterlot?"

Rarity's immediate reaction of excitement was tempered by a cynical frown. "Why is something happening?"

"Not much. I'm going back in a couple weeks for some business, maybe visit Celestia and Luna, and I thought maybe you would like to see the city."

"Why would you think that?" Rarity asked.

"Didn't you mention at the wedding..."

"No."

Twilight seemed on the edge of frustration. "Well you seem like the kind of mare who'd like that."

"How so?"

"You're a trendy pretentious flout who probably goes gaga over high society." Twilight snapped. "That's why I thought that! And I also read your mind..."

"Aha!" Rarity said triumphantly. "There it is!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Is this what this is about? Are you upset because I read your mind? I can hardly help it, all these minds just laid bare for one such as myself to see."

"Darling there's no one like yourself." Rarity scoffed. "But, now that you're reading my mind I'm sure you won't mind me reading yours. I'd guess that Luna is having a welcome home party or a coronation, and you were invited for gods only know what reason. You want me to go with you to Canterlot with you so you can make your wife jealous."

"Impressive reasoning, Detective Lestrade." Twilight said sarcastically. "Yes to the coronation, no to the jealousy."

"Oh." Rarity's face turned red. "Then you really wanted my company..."

"Yes, and now you look like a jerk." Twilight said smugly.

"Sorry, am I interrupting something." Twilight and Rarity turned to see Fluttershy had entered the dress shop as well. (Did I ever establish that Rarity lives and works in her dress shop?)

"Just the sickest beatdown in Equestrian history." Twilight boasted, and Rarity turned a more vibrant shade of red.

"Oh. I'll come back later." Fluttershy tried to slink away, but the door swung shut in her face under magical influence.

"Hey wait a minute, Fluttershy." Twilight said. "Wanna come to Luna's coronation with me?"

Fluttershy observed Rarity's blush. "Am I going to have to pretend I'm sleeping with you?"

Twilight balked. "What? No! No! Have you two been talking? About me, behind my back?" She now scrutinized Fluttershy's blushing countenance for a moment. "No... No you haven't. Then why would both of you assume I'd do something like that? Is that something you want?"

She took a step back and looked between the two mare, who were now looking at the ground in embarrassment. "If I wasn't so desperate for socialization I'd banish you both for the lewd thoughts you're having!"

"That makes me feel so much better." Rarity said to the floor.

"Indeed!" Twilight trotted to door. "Good day, madams!" She opened the door, then teleported away.

-

"By process of elimination, you're the best candidate for being my platonic date for Luna's coronation." Twilight explained patiently. "You're a little young, but the binds of friendship transcend age."

"Who are you? Where's my mother?" Dinky Hooves was frightened and confused.

"Well I'm not quite a maternal figure per say, and Luna and I agreed no children for a couple centuries, but I think I could fill many rolls a mother couldn't." Twilight tussled Dinky Mane endearingly. "We can spend so much time together, you and I."

Dinky seemed on the verge of tears. "I... I need an adult."

Suddenly, the front door of the library was kicked open. Rainbow Dash dived though and rolled to her hooves at the center of the room. "I AM AN ADULT!"

Twilight was about as unamused as a cat subjected to Chinese water torture. "Dash, what the buck is this?" She glanced at Dinky apologetically. "I mean, what the hay, is this."

More ponies entered though the open portal. "Gods almighty Dash, you near tore the door off it's hinges." Applejack said.

"Door abuse is a serious problem. Please report cases to your local authorities." Fluttershy said to the omniscient narrator and audiance.

Rarity and Pinkie completed set now gathered in the library. Dinky used Twilight's distraction to scurry away and escape outside.

"Great, just great." Twilight blew at an errant hair which had fallen in front of her face. "That was my best lead yet."

"Ignoring that for now... Twilight, we all have something to say." Rarity explained.

"We wanted to apologize for not giving you a chance." Fluttershy continued. "We haven't been very good friends." Applejack and Rainbow nodded in half-agreement. Pinkie was just happy to be there.

"Ah ha!" Twilight grinned. "I knew I was in the right! So, who among you wants to go with me to Canterlot? Not you, Pinkie."

"We didn't decide that yet." Rarity said. "Drawing straw was considered..."

Twilight glanced at the corners of the room in idle thought. "I guess you can all come then."

"What?" Four ponies asked in fear and one asked in excitement.

"Technically, the invitation is for Twilight Sparkle plus one guest. Seeing as I'm worth about fifty-seven-million lesser ponies, the plus one, logically, is a plus fifty-seven-million." Twilight said, gesturing. "I hope Celestia isn't disappointed I'm only bringing five."

"Twilight I don't think-"

"You're right, who am I kidding. I don't care what Celestia thinks."

From the upper floor, Spike called down. "Can I come too?"

Twilight smirked, her victory complete. "The threat of laundry has spurred you to action then?"

"Nah, I wouldn't have done any of it, and you would have been upset but you would have done it all instantly by magic anyway." Spike explained. "I just want to go."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine, you can come too. Now, all of you ponies get out. I don't want to see head nor tail of you till a week from Tuesday."

"It's always a pleasure, princess."