//------------------------------// // Chapter 4 - Nothing Gained // Story: No More Nightmares // by red_angel //------------------------------// Chapter 4 - Nothing Gained By: Red Angel An endless, perpetual darkness surrounds me. I can not move, yet I feel myself drifting through the void. Voices scream around me, distant yet somehow clear. Crying and begging. "No, stop!" "No! Let me go, Anon!" "Don't do this! Not here!" "Please, don't kill me! I'm sorry!" All of them are punctuated by a scream or cry of pain. I try to run, I can't move. I feel like I'm floating through water. In the distance, there are figures. Even though they are far away, I know what they are. I try to run, I must reach them... I have to... I call out, no sound escapes my lips. In the distance, a pegasus is sitting on her haunches, facing away from me, her long, pink mane wet from the rain she has sought cover from. I am slowly drifting towards her, but too slow. Faster, have to reach her... By her side sits a shadowy figure, gazing out into the same distant darkness as the pegasus next to it. The scene is almost peaceful. Panic is raging in my mind, my heart pounding in my head, almost drowning out the screams around me. The figure slowly moves one of it's arms behind the mare, softly placing it's hand over her withers. Long, strong fingers sliding down her back in a tender, yet bone-chilling movement. She shudders, but does not move away, frozen in place. I scream, there is no sound. I try to run. Move dammit, move! Please... My body refuses me, the shadows shackling me as I slowly drift closer. I think I am crying as I impotently thrash against my invisible bonds, begging to let me move, to please let me reach her, before... The figure's hand has reached her lower back, stopping and moving back up again, slowly and methodically. She keeps shuddering. As it closes in on the base of her neck, it's fingers begins to twist into the shape of long, black claws. A low rumbling sound can be heard around me. I scream again, with greater desperation, yelling for it to stop, knowing what comes next, but not one word escapes me. I don't want to watch this... I don't... I don't... Please... Please, stop... Please! I silently scream once more as I see it's claws grab her by the neck. My heart stops as I see it throw her to the ground, her body jerks and stiffens by the painful impact. No... Stop... The figure straddles on top of her, grabbing her by her throat with one clawed hand, the rest of it's body has slowly become more twisted and monstrous, hardly even resembling it's original form by this point. She looks up at it, her face now visible to me. Aqua eyes filled with tears stare at the figure, her face speaking of fear and the hurt of betrayal. I keep struggling. I have stopped drifting through the void, now standing less than a meter from them. I'm so close, I have to stop it. I keep struggling. I cannot move. Why can't I move? I have to stop it... I have to! Don't do this... Please, don't... Let me go. Stop this... Don't let it... Don't let me... The figure leans over her, snarling. It pulls it's free hand back, balling it into a fist, raising it... Preparing... My struggling becomes more frantic and desperate. I fruitlessly try to scream again. She turns her head, looking straight at me. Among the fear and pain, a question burns in her eyes, drilling into me, begging me; why? No... Stop... Please... No... Stop... Stop... Please! No! Stop! The fist comes down. STOP! "Stop!" I scream as I return to the waking world, leather straps stopping me as I shoot up from the bed, making me flop right back down to the mattress, shocking me out of my panic. My breathing is fast and labored and there isn't a part of me not covered in sweat. It feels like I've just run a marathon. I blink my eyes, trying to chase away the black spots obscuring my vision as I look around the hospital room, lightly spinning from my dizziness. I swallow hard, forcing down the sickening lump in my throat that usually signifies my need to throw up. My efforts eventually manages to slow down both my breathing and pulse as my sight slowly returns to me. Panting slowly, I feel so exhausted I could easily drift off to sleep again, if it weren't for my fears of my nightmares spurring me to keep myself awake. I turn my head to look at the window, it's dark outside, bright stars shimmering against the night sky and the world under the watchful gaze of the moon. All the lights are out in Ponyville, everything is asleep. How long have I been asleep? It must be very late if not even the late night party goers are awake. A clock that has been generously placed on the wall shows 3:35 a.m. when I look at it. I let my eyes drift around the room, it's as drab and lifeless as ever and it still has that stupid plant in the corner. Did anyone really think it would somehow tie the room together? If anything the room looks even more empty now, since they removed the heart rate monitor and the I.V. bag, though I can't say I miss the incessant beeping of the monitor. I keep looking back and forth between the white walls, studying them has been my most frequent pastime for the week and a half that I have spent in this room. Good thing I'm already crazy, or I might have lost my mind at this point. I have hardly seen anyone during my time here, except hospital staff, and even then I've only seen a few of them and not for longer than absolutely necessary, preferring to leave me alone. Fine by me. That zebra, Zecora, came by once, though she was mostly here to help the doctors prepare for my treatment. She did try to talk to me, speaking in rhyme as I had been warned about, but I had refused to indulge her, keeping my silence, hardly even looking at her. It was rude of me, I know, she was here to help me after all, but she didn't seem offended. Maybe she understood me, one loner to another, and could respect my desire to be left alone. As for the girls... I haven't seen them since that day. I don't even know if they've been by the hospital, since I gave clear instructions to the staff that I want no visitors, no matter what, and have not bothered asking if anyone's come by. I wish I could say that it's made things easier, but it hasn't. I still think about them from time to time, despite my efforts. Being confined to this room with nothing but my thoughts most of the time makes it hard for the mind not to wander. Every time I think about them, my heart aches, I keep thinking if I had been too harsh, even though in the end I know I did the right thing. It's like Rainbow said; even after all this time, I still find ways to hurt them. My treatment started little over a week ago. The doctor hadn't been lying, regrowing bones hurt like a son of a bitch. Even when they just gave me small doses of the alchemical concoction, only enough for it to target the smallest of the fractures, it was excruciating. We would then wait until the next day, or the one after that if the healing had been especially arduous, to continue with the next set of deeper fractures. I'm not sure how I would describe the sensation. It was almost like someone was forcefully pulling at my ribs, bending and kneading them into the right shape, slowly. I think that's the closest I can put it. It just got more intense as we slowly made our way to the worst damage, though I think I was starting to get used to the pain, since the longer it went on the quicker I started recovering from the process. None of it could have prepared me for earlier today though, though I guess by this point it would be 'yesterday'. All my ribs had been healed, though they still feel a bit sore and tender, and I was given three days to rest and prepare. It had been time to heal my spine. As much as my broken ribs had hurt, none of it compared to the pain I have felt in my back during this time. From nightmares causing me to thrash around or squirming from feeling my ribs grow into place, it sometimes felt like torture. I had been given various medications to help me, but they could only do so much. My favorite was the ones they gave me to help me sleep from time to time, whatever it was it actually managed to suppress my nightmares to a small degree. I've tried asking the doctors what it is, but they won't tell me, probably worried I would get hooked on the stuff. If they experienced what I did when I slept, they would not be so quick to say no. I had been nervous, terrified even when the time came to drink that potion that would hopefully fix the damaged nerves in my spine. The doctor had prepared me the best he could, but it still shocked me just how excruciatingly painful it was. I felt like electricity was shooting out across my entire spine, every nerve in my body was on fire, all the way up to my brain. Try to imagine the worst cramp you've ever had and multiply it a thousandfold. That was the last thing I can remember before waking up. I must have passed out. I grunt as I shift a little on the bed, my back still hurts, to a lesser degree, yes, but it still hurts, and my body feels like it's been trampled, all sore and aching. I tug my arms, feeling the restraints around them. I had given the staff permission to restrain me in my sleep should it be deemed necessary to ensure I don't hurt myself while recovering. Turned out it was 'deemed necessary' almost every single night. I have not made a fuss about it, the last thing I want right now is risk snapping at anyone, and if it really makes them feel so much safer, fine. I can feel a wetness around my wrists, besides the sweat. and a stinging pain. Where is the staff? Did everything go the way it was supposed to? Is my back fixed? Am I... The sound of the door opening shakes me out of my thoughts as I look towards it. A light purple-coated nurse is standing in the doorway with a worried look on her lightly freckled face, before breathing out a relieved sigh and giving me a small smile. Her kind blue eyes, though tired and longing for sleep, makes contact with mine. Despite her exhausted look, her mane, striped in purple and white, is still neatly tied up in a bun in the back of her head, with only a short, neatly cut fringe hanging down over her forehead, her nurse cap neatly placed upon her head. I have to fight the urge to frown. Aside from Doctor Stable, I must have seen this nurse more than anybody else during my stay here. Be it prepping me before a procedure, giving me medication or just cleaning up any mess I've made, like the gifts I destroyed during my first conscious day here, it was always her. I have hardly even seen another nurse at all, except when the doctors specifically requests for one of them, I don't think any of them likes to be anywhere near me. This one though, she hardly seems fazed by me. Where others shy away or just tries to ignore me, she smiles and attempts idle chit-chat, not that I indulge in any whenever she tries. I don't know why she makes such an effort to hide what she really thinks about me, why she pretends to care, though I have to admit that she is very good at acting like there's nothing wrong. If I didn't know better, I would almost believe her. But I do, and I don't. Does she think it will make me relax around her? On the contrary, if anything it just makes me mad. Lies and pretense, everything. Still, she is making an effort, even if it is a false one, to be polite. It does make me feel a little bit guilty for not remembering her name. I'm sure she has said it, but I wasn't in a mood to listen. Let's see... What is her name... I know it's not Redheart, this mare's a few years older and, for lack of a better term, a bit chubbier. Hmm, is it... Snowheart? No, I think that's the name of another nurse I heard the doctors mention... What is it? It's something with 'S'... "Good, you're awake." Her kind voice pulls me out of my chain of thought. She stifles a small yawn as she slowly trots over to my bed. "How are you feeling?" She gives another soft smile. I hate it when she talks to me like that, it sounds so... Motherly. I turn my head and direct my eyes towards the ceiling. "I'm fine..." A pained hiss escapes me directly afterwards as I feel another sting from my wrists, making me dig the tips of my fingers into the blanket. I hear the nurse make a quiet gasp and quicken her pace, coming to a stop at my side. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her look over my arms with a worried expression. With some effort, I manage to lift my head high enough to look down at myself. My hands and part of my lower arms are covered in blood, staining the leather straps and bed. "Oh dear..." I hear her whisper before she practically dives at the restraints, using her teeth to unbuckle the strap around my left arm with surprising speed. When I feel the leather slide of my wrist I lift my arm to look at it. There are several small, jagged cuts along my wrist, torn open by the straps during my thrashing. Fresh blood trickles down my arm in small drops. I feel my other arm being released from it's binding. Looking over I see the nurse has already moved to the other side of the bed and unbuckled the other strap. "Stay calm, I'll be right back." She tells me in her best soothing tone before running out the door. Strangely, I don't feel any alarm or worry as I look over both of my raised arms, gazing at the cuts and the blood, I feel oddly tranquil. I lower my arms, placing one of my hands on the controller for the bed and press down on one of the buttons. The bed slowly folds upwards, raising me into a sitting position as the nurse comes charging back in, pushing a small cart in front of her, carrying bandages, pieces of cloth, some water in a pitcher and a tray with a plate on it, covered by a metal lid. She comes to a stop next to me and reaches out with her hooves, grabbing one of my arms with them and pull it closer. I shudder at her touch and instinctively pull my arm from her grasp. She looks at me, surprised by my reaction. I can't help but rub my arm where she had touched me, trailing my fingers over the goosebumps dotting my skin. "Please, it's alright." She is once again using that motherly tone, sending another chill down my back. "I just need to clean and bandage the cuts." She extends her hooves pleadingly, not touching me but waiting for me to make the move. "Please." I look at her eyes, her hooves and then my arm. Trembling slightly with hesitation, I release a sigh before very carefully extending my arm. I don't look at her as I feel her hooves once again on my skin, more delicately this time, but I have to fight the need to pull away again as another shudder makes me tremble. I close my eyes and try to breathe calmly, feeling terribly nervous now compared to the calmness I felt when looking at my own cut wrists. She twist my arm slightly from side to side, inspecting it, before releasing it. I keep it in place as I hear her shuffling around with the objects on the cart. A few seconds later I feel the cold dampness of wet cloth against my skin as she thoroughly cleans the blood away, scrubbing up, down and across my arm. There is a tenderness to her movements that makes me uncomfortable, it almost feels alien to me, this world has not been soft on me for a long time. It almost feels... Nice. I grit my teeth, trying to think about something, anything else. I feel her hooves release my arm, opening my eyes slightly I look at her out of the corner of my eye. She discards the blood-soaked cloth in a waste bin, then grabs a roll of gauze bandage from the cart. Turning back to me, she begins dressing my wounds, spinning the roll around my wrist with that dexterity of her hooves that always surprises me about these ponies. It's done in a matter of seconds, ending with her securing the gauze binding using her teeth. She moves to the other side of the bed and repeats the whole process with my other arm, cleaning and dressing the cuts. I feel no less uneasy by her touch this time than the first, thankfully it's over quickly. I look over my wrists, now covered in white strips of cloth. It's strange how... Detached I feel about this. Seeing my own blood, I felt nothing, just numb. Just how far gone am I? I lower my arms, letting them rest on the bed at either side of me. The nurse has placed everything back on the cart again and is just finished unbuckling the last restraint over my legs, freeing me, yet still being confined to this bed. She releases a long, relieved breath before meeting my eyes. I look away. I suppose I should say something. "Thank you..." I'm not sure how genuine that sounded. Looking back at her, she does have that kind smile back on her face. I swallow, feeling a bit awkward. I really feel dumb now for not remembering her name. Wait... Now that I think about it, wasn't she here before the alchemical procedure to fix my nerves? Just how long has she been here? "Working long hour shifts, nurse...? Um..." I trail off, giving her an apologetic look, hoping she will fill in the blanks. Her smile just grows slightly, her soft eyes peering into mine, with no hint of annoyance at the fact I haven't learned her name by now. "Sweetheart", she say softly, "Nurse Sweetheart." Of course, it's always something with 'heart'. I wonder if that's a prerequisite for becoming a nurse... "And no, my shift actually ended over four hours ago." She ends her sentence with another small yawn. I blink a few times, giving her a quizzical look with a raised eyebrow. "Then... Why are you still here?" She gives me yet another smile, her eyes are half-lidded and by now I notice there are some small bags forming under them. "I was waiting for you to wake up." She says it so nonchalantly, like it's nothing odd about it. Myself, I feel like a ball of ice just settled in my gut. I blink a few times more, giving her the most dumbfounded look I've probably ever given, trying to wrap my head around what she just said, to think of some kind of answer or question to follow up with. "Bwuh?" Is all that my brainpower can generate through my mouth. She raises one of her hooves to her mouth and stifles a small giggle. When she looks back into my eyes again though, she has a more serious and worried expression on her face, her forehead creasing lightly. "You lost consciousness as soon as the potion had worked itself through the first stage of repairing your damaged nerves." She looks around at the floor. "It was hard to look at, a bit scary even. It must have been very painful." She raises her eyes to look at me again. "I wanted to make sure you were alright when you woke up. Also..." She stops and turns to the cart. Reaching out, she grabs the handle of the metal lid with her teeth, lifting it up to reveal a few sandwiches and an empty glass on the plate under it. Placing the lid on the cart, she grabs onto the edges of the tray and lifts it. It's one of those breakfast-in-bed type of trays, the kind with legs so you can place it over the lap of someone lying in bed. "I wanted to make sure you had something to eat, it's been some hours since your last meal." She places the tray over my lap, the legs digging into the mattress, then pours some of the water from the pitcher into the glass. Great, my favorite thing in the world... Food. The first days here my only nourishment had been this unappealing, murky liquid served in a huge glass. It had looked absolutely disgusting, but thankfully it had almost no taste whatsoever. I still have no idea what it actually was, but it did improve my condition surprisingly fast. Alchemy maybe, I don't know. I even managed to keep it from coming back up, most of the time... Afterwards, there had been soup. It wouldn't have been so bad, if it weren't for the fact that it was hospital food after all. Eventually, I could start eating solid food again. I still have problems keeping it down some times. And despite improving, I am still rather frail looking, though my ribs are no longer sticking out of my chest. A low growl comes from my stomach, to my great displeasure. I still don't have much of an appetite, but I've played along with the doctor's orders. I don't want to make a big fuss about things that will only keep me here even longer, it's better to just roll with it. That way I can get out of here as soon as possible and go back to being alone. "I made them myself. You're going to need your strength back for when it's time to use your legs again." I tear my eyes away from the tray to look at her, a big smile on her face. "So... It worked out? My nerves?" She gives me a nod. "A success. I'm sure you're still feeling some pain, and keep in mind what the doctor told you, it will take some time for it to fully regenerate. You should probably not try walking on your own until Doctor Stable's had a chance to look you over, but otherwise you're in the homestretch on your road to recovery." She beams a wide smile at me. Recovery. Right... It would soon be over, I won't have to lie here day in and day out anymore, I will be able to walk again, somewhat. So how come I feel... Nothing? When I'm out of here, then what? What do I do, where do I go? What is there left for me out there in this world? I release a sigh and look down at myself. Broken, no matter how much I heal, I'll still be broken. "I see..." Whatever cheerful mood she'd been in is instantly snuffed out by the sound of my somber tone. Her face falls into a confused look as she gazes at my face. I don't meet her eyes, suddenly finding the food in front of me much more enticing to look at. An awkward silence covers the room, broken only by the rhythmic ticking of the clock. Having nothing to say, but feeling the need to do something other than just sitting here, I pick one of the sandwiches up from the plate and bring it to my mouth, taking a sizable bite out of it. It's nothing fancy, some cheese, lettuce, a few slices of tomato and cucumber. Still, it tastes a lot better than the hospital food at least. She said she made it herself? I only let the question linger for a second before pushing it from my mind, taking another bite. It kinda makes me wish I had an appetite left; despite my growling stomach, I'm not eating it due to my hunger as much as I'm looking for an excuse not to talk with Nurse Sweetheart. Speaking of which, she keeps staring at me, looking over my face, then down at my wrists and finally the leather straps used to restrain me. She clears her throat, trying to dissipate the awkwardness in the air, and give a small frown. "I- I don't think we should be using these restraints anymore." Her attempts to change the subject is embarrassingly obvious. Why not just drop it altogether? Why does she keep insisting on trying to talk to me? "They were meant to keep you from hurting yourself, not to actually hurt you by itself. Besides, even though you're still recovering, there isn't much damage you can inflict to your wounds by thrashing around in your sleep by this point. I'll have a word with the doctor next time I see him." I take a swig of the water, washing down the bread in my mouth. "Hmm... Don't think the rest of the staff will appreciate it..." When she looks at me with another confused look, I don't meet her eyes again, keeping my focus on the tray as I take another bite from my sandwich, followed by another sip of water. "What do you mean-" I interrupt her with a sideways glare, lowering the glass from my lips and placing it firmly, with a small thud, down on the tray. Turning my head towards her, I keep my glare steadily on her, peering into her eyes that stare back at me, not with the fear I am used to, but with sadness. It almost makes me swallow my own anger, but I hold on to it, a frown growing on my face. "Don't play dumb. You honestly think I don't know how everyone feels about having me here? You don't think I realize why I hardly see anyone but the doctor and yourself? The doc has a job to do, I understand that, and I don't know what you did wrong in order to get saddled with me, but what I can't understand is why you keep acting like this; all cheery and friendly. Just cut the act..." She pulls back like my words had physically cut her. I am expecting her to just finally drop the charade, but to my surprise, she meets my eyes with an indignant and hurt look. "Now wait, I'm not acting!" "Really? You're telling me that what I've done doesn't disturb you? That out of all the ponies, you can somehow look past it all? Oh wonderful day..." I'm a bit surprised myself by the venom in my voice. Didn't I tell myself a short while ago that I didn't want to snap at anyone here? She pulls back again. "N- No, it's just that.." She trails of, trying to keep her gaze steady, but ultimately casting it down at the floor as she lowers her head. A mix of guilt and annoyance hits me in the chest. I wan't to say something, but I don't know what. My irritation wins out over my guilt, and with a scoff I turn back to the tray in my lap. I pick up what little is left of my first sandwich and scarf it down, practically shoving it down my throat in what I know is a pretty childish display of my temper as I take it out on my food. It's at least keeping me from saying anything I might really come to regret. After taking a few gulps of water to wash it all down with, I just sit there and stare at the two remaining sandwiches, not really feeling like eating anymore. "The day they brought you in here..." She starts, her voice sad but steady. I look at her out of the corner of my eye, her head is still aimed towards the floor. "I was afraid, yes... We had all heard Princess Celestia's decree about you innocence, about what had really happened... But ponies are stubborn, you know?" She gives a weak, mirthless chuckle. "After you had been stabilized, I talked with Twilight Sparkle... She told me about what you had been through, how she wanted to help you... I think she felt a little powerless, the mare who had helped save Equestria several times, powerless, because she wasn't sure how, or even if she could help you... The doctor heard it all too... And then, you started screaming in your sleep... I don't know what you were dreaming, but every time it happened, you would start to scream... And always the same thing..." She lifts her head, at the same time I turn towards her. Our eyes meet, and hers are filled which such sadness. "I'm sorry... That's what you would scream, 'I'm sorry'." She swallows hard before continuing. "At that moment, something changed. My heart bled out for you, and I couldn't see you as the monster we had deluded ourselves into believing you were any longer. All I could see, was somepony who was hurting, who was in need of help, compassion, and a friend. And I wanted to be a friend for you. Maybe a part of me sees this as a chance to ease my own conscience for misjudging you, but I have not been acting." I... I don't know what to say... This can't be real... Can it? We look at each other in silence, my mouth is slightly agape by my shock. Slowly, her smile creeps back onto her lips, giving me a look of reassurance. That motherly look again, kind and patient. I can't decide what exactly I am feeling right now. Should I cry, or laugh, or what? I try to gather my thoughts, looking down at the floor, then back to her. "And what about the doctor? You said he had heard all of it too, but I can tell he doesn't like me, even though he tries to hide it." Her smile disappears instantly, replaced with a hesitant look. "It's not that he doesn't like you..." She looks down at the floor again, trailing off. She is hesitating... "But?" I say after a few seconds of waiting for her to continue, trying to coax her. It takes a few more seconds before she looks back up from the floor. "He..." She bites her lower lip before releasing a sigh in defeat. "He treated some of the victims from... From when you weren't yourself..." My breath hitches. She gives me an apologetic look through her sad eyes. "I think he can't help but be reminded of the conditions they were in... Please, don't blame him, he doesn't mean to do it." "No..." I shake my head, looking down at the palms of my hands resting in my lap. "I don't... If anything, I suppose I... Understand him now..." I think back to the day I woke up in this hospital, the way he had looked at me, concern one moment, fear the next, his uncertainty and the awkwardness when we spoke. A monster and a victim, I must have seemed like such a contradiction to him, not being able to make heads or tails of me. A thought strikes me, if he treated my... Victims... Then maybe... Maybe I can find the answer to one question that's been haunting me this past year... The resolution to what was probably the worst crime I committed, worse than even Rarity, unless I had failed to stop myself, or even Scootaloo... Oh... Scootaloo... I banish those thoughts for now, right now, there is a chance for answers, and I will take it. I turn my head to Nurse Sweetheart, my gaze is determined and calm when it meets her eyes. "There is something I must ask you, and if you know the answer I need you to be honest with me." My voice is level and calm when I speak, surprising her somewhat as she looks over my face with a puzzled expression. She hesitates for a moment, before giving a small nod. "Alright..." She says with some reservation. "Promise me." She once again looks a bit taken aback with surprise, seeming even more hesitant. I keep my eyes locked on hers, silently begging her to answer me. She gives another slow nod, but with a more worried look on her face. "I promise." She keeps her voice as even as possible, but I can still hear the hesitation in it. I give her a acknowledging nod, sealing the promise, then take a deep breath as I prepare my question. "Did he treat a unicorn by the name of Trixie?" Her eyes widen as I say the name. Her mouth opens before immediately closing again, biting her lower lip as she keeps looking from left to right then back again. She is stalling, but that gives me a partial answer. "You do know something..." This brings her eyes back to me again, I can see how she's stumbling around in her own mind, trying to find something to say, to weasel her way out from her promise. "Please..." My voice gives out somewhat, giving it a pitiful tone. "I have to know... I need to know if she made it..." I am practically begging at this point, my voice growing shaky and weak. Her face softens, no longer desperately searching for a way out. She still bites her lip, her eyes pleading with me not to go there but realizing that I won't drop it. When she can't meet my eyes anymore she directs them to the floor again as she releases a long, trembling breath. She stays quiet for a few seconds before giving a few short nods. "Somepony found her at the edge of the White Tail Woods on the outskirts of Ponyville... She was in bad condition, but alive... We did what we could to heal her, physically... Mentally though... Her horn..." My gut feels like it just shriveled up, threatening to expel my recent meal, but I fight it back. There is less I can do about the feeling of my heart being gripped by a cold claw in my chest. In my mind, images of a broken horn in the palm of my hand flashes before me. It takes all my willpower to keep focused on the nurse when she continues. "The loss of it... She shut herself off, not responding to anything, until..." She stops, clenching her eyes shut and pursing her lips together into a tight line, not wanting to continue. "Until... What?" I try to coax her on, my voice trembling even worse by this point. She looks me straight in the eyes, sadly pleading with me to stop. I respond with my own pleading look, trying to show my need for answers. I have to know, I just have to. "Until you were brought in, after Princess Celestia had freed you from that... thing... Somehow, Trixie got word of it, that not only were you alive, though comatose, but that you had been exonerated from everything that had happened..." She falters, I can see that she wants to look away, yet she forces herself to look at me. "She couldn't accept it... We had to put her on suicide watch... Eventually, we had her moved to a hospital in Manehattan... They have good personnel there to help her... And we thought it was best for her to be far away from Ponyville... And you..." Cold... That is all I feel... Cold... I had gotten my answers... Did it make me feel any better? No... But I had gotten them... I lean down and rest my face against the palms of my hands, taking deep breaths through my nose, then releasing them in slow, trembling waves through my mouth. I did this to her... I did... I did... I should just be dead... "I... I shouldn't have said anything..." I hear the nurse stutter. "Please, don't start blaming yourself, you're not to blame." I am so sick of hearing that phrase. "You didn't do it, you-" I throw my head from my hands, giving her another glare to silence her, my eyes have turned bloodshot and wet. "I snapped her damn horn off!" I scream. "I didn't even hesitate! I just... I just... Oh god..." I cover my eyes with my hand, laying it across the bridge of my nose, as I feel a few tears breaking off from the corners of my eyes, dripping down my cheeks. I feel something make the bed shift lightly to the side, a weight pressing down on it. Removing my hand from my face, I see Nurse Sweetheart standing on her hind legs, leaning against the edge of the bed with her fore-hooves. She is looking intently at me with an expression that is both firm and gentle at the same time. "'It' did. All of what happened was because of 'it', not you." Her voice matches her expression, firm and certain yet with a underlying gentleness and reassurance. "The blame lies not with you, and I am sure that your friends understand that and want to help you if you would let them." She sounds so sure of what she's saying. She reminds me of the talk I had with Applejack almost two weeks ago, she was also so certain of what she was talking about. And just like with Applejack, a part of me wants to put my trust in her words... But... "I wish I could believe you..." I say with a sigh, her face turning more somber as I look away from her, staring down at myself instead. "I really do..." We just stay quiet for a little while afterwards. I know it's too late for me... No matter how much she believes her own words, it does not make them true. She eventually slides down from the bed and stands on all fours again, looking at me and waiting, trying to give me strength with her presence, but I have no strength of my own to call on. I take a slow, steadying breath. "Thank you... For telling me the truth..." I don't look at her, but I can see her ears slightly droop in the corner of my vision. "But I would like to be alone right now... You should go home and rest... Your shift ended over four hours ago, right?" I hear her give a sad sigh. "Alright..." Her exhaustion seems to have caught up with her, by the sound of her voice. "But I'm going to check in on you in the morning, okay?" I stay quiet for a few seconds, still not looking at her, but eventually I give her a slow nod. Taking the cart with her, I hear her make her way towards the door. When I hear her stop, I can't help but glance at her, meeting her eyes as she looks back at me. "Just... Take care, alright?" I don't given an answer. Realizing that one is not forthcoming, she eventually just turns and continues out the door, closing it behind her. I sit there for some time, just staring at the wall in front of me yet again. Everything is silent, except the clock on the wall. Tic - Tock - Tic - Tock She was alive, that was something, right? But what kind of life was it? 'You have ruined me'... That's what she had said after I... Magic was second nature to unicorns... Losing their horns must be like losing one of your senses, or an artist losing his hands... Tic - Tock - Tic - Tock What is she doing now? What is she thinking? Is it about me, how I destroyed her? How much does she hate me? Could there even be a limit to it? I'm sorry... I'm sorry... The ticking of the clock is slowing dying down in my ears, being replaced by another sound, a sound that chills me to the bone and makes my stomach churn. A hollow, sickening crack echoes in my mind, followed by another, and another. Crack - Crack - Crack - Crack I cover my ears with my hands, it is useless. I can still hear it. Crack - Crack - Crack - Crack I squeeze my eyes shut, pressing my palms harder against my ears. Stop, please stop. I see the fire, I swear I can even smell it. It is sizzling and crackling, a broken horn lies in the flames, magical lights shot out from it like tiny, colorful fireworks as it is consumed, over and over and over. What have I done... What have I done? Hours pass. The sounds and visions are gone again. I don't know how much more of this I can take anymore. It's all in my mind, so why can't I block it out? I've been sitting here like a zombie, staring at nothing, absentmindedly eating the rest of my meal, somehow being able to keep it down. I keep thinking about what Nurse Sweetheart had told me, about Trixie. I try to focus on the fact that she survived, desperately hoping to ease my guilt, with no success. All I can think about, is a broken, crying mare in the dark woods, her life ruined by a monster in the night. I knew what type of pony she had been, remembering how smug she had acted about the things I did... She seemed even pleased about what I had done to Twilight, even thanking me for it... Doesn't make me feel any less guilty though... I look at the world outside my window. It's morning now, but there is no sun. The sky is covered by a blanket of clouds, turning everything gray. The summer is reaching its end, the days slowly growing colder as fall draws ever closer. There is a gnawing feeling in the back of my mind, an... anticipation, anxiously waiting for... something... I don't know what. The feeling has steadily been growing with each day, barely noticeable at first, now it's like an itch that comes and goes, and I don't know how to scratch it. Mixed with it all is a sense of hopelessness. I keep staring at the window, a series of thoughts go through my mind, terrifying yet enticing. I glance down at my legs. Nothing ventured... I place the tray on the table next to the bed. Then, in one fluid motion I grab the covers and throw it off my body. I am wearing nothing but a pair of thin, pajama-like pants, my only choice of clothing during my stay here. Grabbing the edges of the bed with trembling fingers, I take a deep breath and hold it, steeling myself. Shuffling to the side, I slowly make my way to the edge of the bed until my legs slide off of it. Being at a height preferable by ponies, my feet unexpectedly hit the floor, sending a spike of pain all the way up my spine, making me grunt out the breath I had held on to. I wheeze painfully between my teeth before taking another breath, moving my legs into position, the soles of my feet now pressed against the cool marble floor. I close my eyes, clenching my jaw and pressing my lips together as my body tenses up. I take a few quick, nervous breaths through my nose, then press down against the bed and floor, slowly and painstakingly forcing myself up to my feet, the whole movement accompanied by a slow, throaty groan that gradually grows louder and louder until it more resembles a growl. Once I am upright, I am panting and grunting, beads of sweat dotting my skin. Damn this hurts. My legs and spine are burning, and my feet feels like there are shards of glass buried into my heels. My legs begin to shake, threatening to give out, I am tempted to just fall back down on the bed but I dig deep, forcing myself to stay up. I take a step forward, another shot of pain shoots along my nerves, followed by another as I take another step. Each one is like walking on glowing hot, metal nails as I slowly, but surely, make my way over to the window. By the time I reach it, I stumble forward, pressing my hands against the cold glass to support myself, my hot breath creating a small foggy patch on the surface. My head is spinning and there are more than a few dark spots before my eyes. I just stand there for a while, breathing heavily, looking out over Ponyville as my vision gradually clears. Steadying myself, my hand travels along the edge of the window, fingers coming into contact with the latch, unhooking it. My movements feel like they are on autopilot, my thoughts misty and unclear. Pressing my hand against the glass, I slowly push it open. A wave of cool air enters the room, washing over my sweat-covered skin. Somehow, I don't shudder at the sudden drop in temperature. I look out over the edge. It's not a long distance to the ground, only four floors... But long enough... My hands grip around the bottom pane of the window, my fingers clawing into it in an almost cramp-like manner. I clench my eyes shut and grit my teeth. What the hell can I do? What other option is there really for me to take at this point? I can't accept their help... I just can't... Not when I know that they can't let go of this any more than I can... I relax my jaw and calm my breathing. Once again, my thoughts grow intangible, preparing myself to be released, to free myself. Finally... A sudden rush of air and movement in front of me startles me out of my daze. Throwing my eyes open, a grey figure practically burst out right in front of my face from out of nowhere. Wings flapping in fast beats in the air. Golden eyes staring right into mine. "Anon!" "Gah!" I throw myself back. As soon as my foot hits the floor, I am met with the most painful spike yet shooting up my leg, its muscles going numb, as it gives out from under me. I tip over to the side, slumping against the wall with a loud thud, before sliding down along it, landing on my ass, giving me another, more embarrassing, wave of pain as I sit there, groaning and leaning against the wall. I rub my leg, trying to ease the soreness coursing through it, muttering 'ow ow ow' to myself. I hear another flap of wings and the sound of something landing on the window pane. Turning my head up in its direction, I look at the figure standing there. She is staring down at me, or at least one of her eyes are, the other one is looking at a wall in the other end of the room. A worried look is plastered on her face, covered slightly by bangs of her long, bright blond mane. "D- Derpy?" I stare at her dumbfounded, my mind still kinda processing what just happened. Her face perks up a bit when she hears her name. She jumps down from the window, landing in front of me, almost tripping over in the process. She looks over my body, then my face with sad eyes, her head tilted slightly to the side. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" Her voice still has that childlike innocence that I remember. Most others would think of it as a sign of stupidity, but I knew better, she is just... well... Derpy. I used to find her voice endearing, but now it's like being stabbed in the heart. "Does it hurt bad?" I raise my hand, gesturing for her to calm down. "It's alright... Just having some trouble walking." I meet her eyes, she visibly relaxes a bit. A lump settles in my throat. It is so strange to see her again, after all this time. She looks the same as always, like nothing's changed. What is going on? Why is she even here? "I've been so, so, sooo worried! I visited before, but you were sleeping and nopony knew when you would wake up." She gives me as small frown. "And then, when I came back a few days later, they wouldn't let me in! Saying I couldn't see you." She gives a harrumph, scrunching her nose. Yup, still the same alright. "It's not their fault, Derpy." She tilts her head at me again, giving me and the ceiling a quizzical look. "I told them not to let anyone in." She blinks, it takes about a second or two before she pulls her head back, looking a bit shocked, then sad, her ears drooping and her eyes lowering, one now focusing on the floor and the one previously examining the ceiling now looking at me, sorta, instead. "Oh..." She says quietly. "Was it the muffin? I hadn't baked in a long time, so I understand if it wasn't very good..." It's my turn to look shocked, blinking a few times. "What? N- No no, that's not it." I stammer. "I... didn't get a chance to eat it, I'm afraid... It had gone stale by the time I woke up..." I give her am apologetic look. I think back to how I had just carelessly thrown it away, along with the rest of the gifts left for me. The guilt over that is nothing compared to what I am already feeling though. Derpy... You shouldn't be here... Don't you understand what I've done to you? She raises her eyes slightly, but they are still just as sad. "That's okay... But why wouldn't you let me see you then?" What is she going on about? Why would she even... I let out a sigh. "Derpy... Why would you want to see me?" She averts her eyes to the side, looking away from me, as she sits down, contemplating the floor as she rubs her foreleg. She doesn't answer me. "I haven't seen you in almost a year... I thought you hated me... After what I did, you should hate me... So why are you here, why now?" I can already see her eyes go wet. My heart bleeds at the sight, I don't want to see her cry. Why couldn't she just have stayed away. No tears come from her eyes though. She just stays quiet for a few moments. "When you attacked me... I was so sad... I thought; 'Why? What is wrong with me? Why couldn't I just have any friends?'" She sniffs, but keeps fighting back any tears. "I thought you hated me, that I had done something wrong... Why else did you do what you did? Or where you just like all the other stallions..." She trails of, taking a few shuddering breaths to try to compose herself. In my mind, I see a crying mare lying on the floor, shouting... 'Why does this always happen to me?' "That day..." I start, my throat suddenly feeling very dry. "You said it had happened to you before..." She sniffs again, giving a small nod but still keep her eyes nailed to the floor. "Yes... I don't know why stallions keep doing this to me... When I came to Ponyville, I thought those days were over. I didn't have any friends, but no one was mean to me either... It made me so happy when you became my friend. But then... That day happened... I was too afraid to leave my house for more than a few minutes... And I was so sad, I couldn't even bake any muffins to make me feel better. You can't make muffins while sad..." "No... I suppose not..." "I didn't talk to anypony, didn't pay attention to anything that was happening. Then, one day, I hear that you're back in town, living here again. I was so scared, I thought you would come for me again. I would hide inside my house for weeks and did everything I could to make sure you wouldn't see me when I left it. I did this for months, until I couldn't take it anymore and just locked myself in." She finally looks back at me again. She... She is smiling at me. "Then somepony came by my house to check on me... It was that carrot farmer, Carrot Top. Have you met her? She has been very nice to me." I give a short nod, I had shopped at her stall at the marketplace before. Her smile widens at bit, before dropping as she peers at me with sorrowful eyes. "That was when I finally heard what had happened to you... What had really happened. I was confused first, then happy." She tries to smile again, but it is a sad one. "My friend hadn't really hurt me, it wasn't his fault, and he was back. But then I got sad again... You needed help... And I hadn't been there... Because I had been too stupid to find out what had happened, because I was too busy hiding... I thought about seeing you, but I didn't know what to say... I just kept waiting and waiting... And then I heard that you were in the hospital..." She swallows hard, a few tears finally escapes her now puffy eyes. She quickly wipes them away with one of her hooves before looking down at the floor again. "I'm sorry..." My eyes bulge in surprise at that. There is a vise grip over my chest, choking me. I have been holding my breath without noticing, letting it go, slowly. I want to reach out to her, but I don't dare to. She should not be apologizing for anything. She had been a wonderful friend... And I had hurt her... She should not apologize... "Please... Don't say that..." She lifts her head in my direction, her face has look of surprise on it. We look at each other for a moment, before I let out a sigh. "Derpy... Please... I hurt you... I hurt you so bad. Don't say sorry. I broke our friendship, and I don't think I can fix it." It is me that is now looking down at the floor, gazing over the marble texture. "Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie... They've tried to help me... Trying to say that they forgive me... Saying they're sorry... But it's too late... And I just can't hear it anymore..." My voice breaks and I clear my throat. I keep thinking back and forth between the conversations I've had lately, how I almost started hoping, just to come crashing back to reality. I can't do it again. "I'm sorry, Derpy... For everything... But I just can't listen to any more of this..." I pull me knees up and wrap my arms around them, staring holes into the floor, refusing to look up. The wind outside and the clock on the wall are the only sounds for a long time. I don't know what her reaction is, I can't look at her. I rub the side of my face, trailing my fingers over my still fresh scar, down my cheek, and through the scruffy beard that still adorns my face. "Okay." I hear her speak up eventually, her voice very calm and even. "Then you talk." I feel my jaw go limp as my brain register her words. With what I must think is a pretty stupid look on my face I very slowly raise my head until I can see her soft, golden eyes again. The grey pegasus is still sitting in her spot, with a reassuring smile on her face. "You talk and I listen. It helps to talk about a problem, you know." I keep blinking my eyes, my confused look still stuck on my face. My mind fumbles around. I'm not sure how long I sit like that before finally looking at her somberly, shaking my head slowly from side to side. "What is there for me to say? You already know the story..." She also shakes her head and gives me another smile, looking at me compassionately. "Not about what happened. Tell me how you feel." She draws out the last word, putting weight on it. I stare at her, then back down to the floor once more. How I feel? What do I feel? What emotion haven't I experienced lately? There is so much, where would I even begin? I take a deep breath through my nose, events both recent and distant passing through my mind. "I... I feel lost, like there is nowhere for me to go, no place where I belong. I have no friends left, I am all alone. Everywhere I look, I see the fear and anger of those around me, judging me. To them I might as well still be the monster I was. They can't forget, and neither can I... I am haunted by what happened, day and night, I can't escape the memories. I can't sleep... I hardly eat... There is only this emptiness inside of me. Everything I cared about, all that I had fought for in this world, lost... Just taken from me... "I feel angry... It's not fair... I didn't want any of this to happen... Why can't they see that? My friends were hurt, and I can't do anything about it... Because it was me who hurt them... But I didn't want this. This is not how things were supposed to be. I want my life back, but I can't. Because they fear me, because this world won't let me... I hate it... I hate them... I hate this world!" I can feel how my eyes are starting to water, but I refuse to cry. No, I won't... For once, something will do as I say. I won't cry, I won't. I move my arms up my legs, resting them on my knees as I fold them, digging my nails into my upper arms. "And I hate myself... I AM the monster... A freak... I should have done more to stop this... I was hurting my friends... Their pain and sorrow, that's on my hands... If I had just kept my mouth shut and kept my hormones in check, none of this would have happened. Why couldn't I stop this? Why was I so damn weak? Why!? I can't even look at myself anymore... I disgust myself... You, Twilight, Pinkie, Scootaloo... This wouldn't have happened to any of you if it wasn't for me. "And..." My voice trembles and fails, but I am still fighting back any tears. I cough and clear my throat. "I'm afraid... terrified... What am I supposed to do? I just keep going in circles... And my nightmares... I feel so helpless. And my friends, when they said they forgave me... I wanted to believe them so badly. But now... I am too scared to hope. And what if it happens again? I am scared of myself... What if I end up hurting someone again? I can't take it... I don't want to hurt anyone. But I will... I know I will... And I can't stop it... I always hurt everyone around me... Always..." My voice trails off into a whisper at the end before dying out completely. There is silence in the room again. My eyes are stinging by this point, but I won't cry. I clench them shut as hard as I can. I keep taking slow, trembling breaths. My backside has gone numb from sitting on the cold, hard floor, but I ignore it. My throat feels itchy and my nose is a bit stuffy, but I won't cry, dammit. Derpy does not say anything or make a sound. It feels like several minutes pass in silence before the sound of hooves against the floor make their way closer to me, stopping at my side. Every fiber of my being is screaming at me to keep my eyes shut, but I find myself ignoring it as I lift my head. Slowly opening my aching eyes, I see Derpy sitting beside me, facing me. Her eyes are properly aligned, something I've rarely seen, and shimmering with tears, but on her lips is as smile, soft and tender. Slowly she raises one of her hooves and reaches out to me. I flinch and pull away. "Please..." My voice is quiet and practically begging as I pull my hands close to my chest, balling myself up to avoid her touch. I don't want to hurt her. I look pleadingly into her eyes. Her smile only grows softer, but she stops her hoof, holding it in the air halfway between us. My eyes dart between it and her eyes as my breathing quickens. "It's okay." She says in a quiet, soothing voice, more nurturing and mature than the usually childlike voice I associate her with. "You won't hurt me." I keep looking back and forth between her face and her hoof, still hovering in the same place. Everything else in the world seems to fade away until there is only me and her. I can feel my heartbeat in my chest. It is surprisingly calm, beating evenly and regularly. My breathing slows down, becoming more steady. I focus on her hoof, looking so inviting yet so daunting at the same time. My hand stirs and I lift my arm, and ever so slowly I begin to reach out to her. It is an agonizing pace, moving barely in inch at a time. The small distance between us feels like an eternity as my hand draws closer and closer, yet she just sits there, not moving away or towards me, patiently waiting as she looks at me with that sweet smile on her lips. As I start closing in on her hoof, my fingers begin to tremble, eventually spreading up my arm and out the rest of my body. My breathing becomes more labored as well, but manages to keep it's steady pace. When her hoof is practically within my reach, I stop. My fingers are trembling even worse now. I look between my hand and her hoof, it is so close. I try to will myself to push forward and close the small gap between them... But I can't... I just can't... I lower my eyes to the floor as I release a tired breath, my fingers curling inwards as I lightly clench them into a fist. I can't do it... I can't risk hurting her... I'm sorry... I can't... I am shaken from my thoughts when I suddenly feel something lightly touch against my fingers, so small it would hardly be noticeable. I lift my eyes. Derpy is holding the tip of her hoof against my clenched hand in the most softest of touches. I meet her eyes. she is still smiling at me, the kindness in it soothes the storm of emotions inside of me. Carefully and tenderly, she starts putting pressure on my hand, coaxing my fingers to slowly open, sliding over the fur of her hoof as she moves it into my palm, until my finger are draped over her hoof. As we sit there, her hoof in my hand, I feel something welling up inside of me. I squeeze her hoof like a lifeline as I feel it building, a torrent rising up, until I can hold back no longer. I loose it. The tears I have been fighting against pour down my face like a ruptured dam, my whole body convulsing from my sobbing and wailing. Still holding on to her hoof, I bury my face in my knees. I have cried so much lately, but this was different. Before it had been like I was being choked by the world around me bearing down on me, every time I cried feeling like it was just squeezing me tighter and tighter into a corner, but now I felt a sense of release; months worth of pain and grief that had been building and festering inside of me finally being released in wave after wave of tears. I can feel her other hoof wrapping around my back, her wings closing around the both of us as she pulls me into a warm embrace, leaning her head into the nape of my neck. She doesn't say anything, she just keeps holding me while I cry and cry. I don't know how long it takes before I finally stop wailing, calming down to where I am just breathing slow and heavy, occasionally making a quiet sniffle. Even then, we must have been sitting here for more than an hour at least, with her just holding on to me. I feel tired and my head feels a bit heavy from all the crying. I am not thinking about anything in particular, just trying to find comfort in this one peaceful moment. Eventually though, we break our embrace. My face is all wet. I wipe it with my arm to try and get rid of the worst of it. Getting up from the floor was a bit of a hassle, but Derpy helped me get back on my feet painlessly enough. After that we just look at each other in silence. She has kept her smile on her face, but it seems a bit more... hopeful now. I don't smile, but that's nothing new. There is a lightness in my chest, but my mind is still a mess. It had been a freeing experience, but there where still many uncertainties plaguing me. For her sake though, I try not to show it. She looks out the window, then back at me again. "I have to go... I'm already late for work." Her smile falters a bit, a hint of hesitation in her eyes. I give her a nod of my head. "It's alright, I'm in good hooves here. You should be going now..." I scratch the back of my neck awkwardly. "And hey... Thanks, Derpy... I'll see you around." Her face softens at that, giving me a nod of her own, before jumping up to the window pane. She flexes her wings a few times, then turns her head back to me. "Make sure you get better, alright? I miss your smile." She flashes me a toothy grin before taking off, flying away towards Ponyville. I stand there for a while, watching her drift away, her flight pattern a bit erratic as she keeps swerving from side to side, but generally traveling in her intended direction. When she is nothing but a grey speck against an equally grey sky, I lower my gaze, looking down over the same edge as before. It was... frightening to think about. It had felt like I was walking in a dream, not really here but looking through someone else's eyes. Had Derpy not been there... What would I have done? Was I really going to... I shudder, and not from the cool air. I reach out and pull back the window. Just as I am about to close it I hear the door opening behind me. "Hello? How are we feeling toda-" I turn my head and look back at the source of that familiar voice. Nurse Sweetheart is standing in the doorway, staring at me with surprise clearly written on her face. Awkward... She narrows her eyes, giving me a scolding frown. "Anon! What did I tell you about trying to walk on your own?" Oh boy, this was a different kind of motherly voice. The scolding, angry mother voice. "I just needed some fresh air." I lie, closing the window shut and securing it with the latch. "Besides.." I grunt as I start making my way to the bed. Still hurts just as much. Nurse Sweetheart trots over to me to support me, helping me make the trek over. With an immense feeling of relief, I sit down on the bed, freeing my legs, not to mention my back, from their burden. "I thought you would take the chance to sleep in, considering how late you worked last night. Don't tell me your next shift has already started." She places her head behind my legs and lifts them up from the floor, guiding them over and laying them on the bed, turning the rest of me with them so I am now in my regular sitting position on the bed. She huffs at me and walks around the bed to the other side. "No, my shift doesn't start until this afternoon. I do plan to get back home and rest up some more before then, but I told you I would check up on you in the morning, remember?" She grabs the blanket with her teeth and throws it over my lower body, landing perfectly across the bed. Years of practice I suppose. "So..." She clears her throat and straightens the cap on her head. "How are you feeling?" Her voice softens and there is a hint of worry on her face. I look down over my body, then out the window, gazing at the sky before meeting Sweetheart's eyes. "I'm feeling better, thank you." My voice is sincere, if not any more uplifting than usual, though some of the heaviness behind it has lifted. She actually looks a bit surprised by this. "Really?" I nod. "I... had a visitor." She looks even more surprised now, eyeing my face a bit incredulously. "I thought you didn't want any visitors?" I give a quick glance at the window, then back at her. "I made an exception... Just this once." I give her a level lock, letting her know that I don't want this to become an excuse for her to let other unexpected visitors pop in. She gives me a teasing smile, catching on to my meaning, before it softens into that motherly one she so likes to use. "So, was it a nice visit?" I think back to the pegasus mare, the talk we had, how she listened, how she held me. "Yeah... It was." Her smile widens a bit as she gives me a small nod. We both stay silent for a while, looking at each other, thought I avert my eyes eventually when I start feeling a little awkward about it. I hear her giggle quietly into her hoof. I roll my eyes, but otherwise ignore it. Instead, I look over to the tray I had placed on the bedside table. I think about the sandwiches she had served me. She said she had made them herself, didn't she? "Can I get you anything? Maybe something to drink?" I turn back to her at the sound of her voice. I think about it for a little while, ponderously looking over the floor before raising my eyes to meet hers again. Can't hurt to ask. "You wouldn't happen to have some of Sweet Apple Acres' apple juice, would you?" She gives me a big smile. "Just give me a minute and I'll get one for you." She turns and start making her way back to the door. I look down at the bed, today's events replaying in my mind, as well as some other things that have happened over the last weeks. Looking back at the nurse, I hesitate, biting my lip as she is almost past the doorway. "Sweetheart." She stops in surprise from hearing me using her name without the 'nurse'. As she turns to look at me, she is smiling softly at me. I hesitate again before continuing. "I have another question that I need an honest answer to." Her smile falters at this, averting her eyes for a moment, considering her answer with no small amount of hesitation on her face. Looking back at me, she finally sighs in defeat before giving me a nod. "Alright." She says with some apprehension. I fidget around with my fingers nervously, before taking a breath to steel myself. "Do you... Do you think it is possible to heal a broken bond? That... That past mistakes can be forgiven?" She blinks at me a few times, not saying anything for several seconds, though to me it almost feels like hours as I wait for her while she just stares at me dumbfounded. Eventually though, she gives me one of her kind, motherly smiles. "Always." She says calmly. I look at her for a moment, trying to gauge her sincerity. When I am certain of it, I turn my eyes back down to the bed, giving a few slow nods as her words sink into me. As I hear her leave, I am left with many things to think about. I am not sure what to do with her answer... At least, not yet... Looking back outside the window once more, I let my eyes wander over the town, scanning the buildings and the streets, thinking about what could or could not be waiting for me out there. A few rays of sunlight have penetrated the grey clouds above, shedding their light on the town below. Nothing ventured...