A GAME OF SKILL AND CHANCE
By: Einhander and Skeeter The Lurker
1: ANTE
It is a hotly whispered—but frequently denied—rumor that the Princess Celestia and Princess Luna occasionally play cards. These rumors are false. They do not play cards.
They play poker.
They used to play Queens and Pawns, which is convenient for scheduling (one can make their move without their opponent present) and appropriate for their status (as the game of queens befits two ruling sisters.) For awhile, all was well. The game required patience, cunning and thinking several steps ahead, something Celestia had in spades. Luna had these qualities as well, except for the patience part. Over time, Celestia was winning three-to-one. Eventually, Luna realized Celestia wasn't reading the board, Celestia was reading her.
And so the fun-doubling came to a grinding halt one day when Luna threw the board off the palace balcony, crying “Try and checkmate us now, varlet sister!” The board smashed into a fair amount of pieces after it first smashed into the head and helmet of one Rock Steady, newly minted member of the Royal Guard, who was already having a bad first day anyway. He went to the hospital, and flowers, along with hastily assembled liability waivers, followed.
Q&P was never mentioned again in the halls of the Royal Palace.
Then they used to play Equestria-opoly, a classic board game that involved trading of properties and the charging of rents. Players advanced by random rolls of the dice. This game lasted even fewer days, as Luna realized that since dice rolls were nothing but luck, only ruthlessness, mercenary instincts, playing the probabilities, and complex negotiation could tilt the odds towards victory. Both sisters had such talents, but the love in Celestia's heart made her a poor capitalist tyrant when it came to playing games. Luna did not have such qualms.
After the sixth time Luna talked Celestia into a deal that she later realized meant she was giving away her winning stake (the Beaver Dam utilities and all the railroads for the dark blue properties with houses and most of the alligators? What was she thinking?) there was the infamous Dark Tuesday incident. Celestia locked herself in her room and refused to raise the sun until noon. The board game was quickly buried in the Canterlot vaults, never to be released again...
...except for that one time Luna got into the cider and dared her sister to play. Dark Tuesday almost had a sequel, but for Cadence flying in to stop the game before it went too far.
The third game was the result of a hastily written letter to Princess Twilight by her brother, captain Shining Armor, who was “busy enough defending the realm” and “didn’t have time for this horsefeathers,” and also “please don’t tell Celestia I said horsefeathers”, produced a two pronged solution: first, whatever games they play, they play together in the same room. Secondly, they needed a game that pitted their strengths against one another, instead of having one overpowering the other. A game that relied on chance and manipulation, along with skill and calculation.
When that search failed, Twilight was thankfully listening when Applejack mentioned the game of Appleloosan Five Card Hold’em.
Two cards to each player, followed three cards on the table, then a fourth, and finally a fifth. Each player had to bet for the right to see the next card. Whomever had the best hand from all available cards won… if the game got that far.
Luna loved it because she was playing the cards she had in her hooves, against the odds of whatever cards could possibly come next. It made sense. It was chance, yes, but within a defined set of probabilities. Betting was all about the possibility of winning.
Celestia loved it because she was also playing the cards Luna had in her hooves. Doing quick number calculations wasn’t her strong suit. Reading other ponies was.
But what do Princesses play for? When bits are just things other ponies use, and the sun and moon are at your command, what is worth wagering? And after you’ve already had the cider brought up and are three or four pints in, how does one keep the game interesting?
“But no jest, dear sister, how do we keep this game interesting?” asked Luna, magically pouring herself another pint of cider. “We’ve already wagered work shifts and naming of the stars.”
It was late for Celestia, and early for Luna to be drinking. But the Canterlot Hearts Warming Eve pageant took a lot out of everyone, and thankfully there was plenty of Apple Family Cider (fresh from Appleloosa!) brought up for the occasion.
“Doesn’t it mean anything that you are bound to make the tea for the next thousand years?” pouted Celestia, her face blushing with the warmth of booze.
Luna gave her a Look. “It would, sister, if we did not know you insist on making the tea anyway.”
Celestia giggled. “True, true. Well, what do you want to play for?”
Luna shrugged, sipping her cider. “Something big. Something that… matters..”
Celestia looked at her cards. “I have an idea. If I win this hand, you have to go out on a date.”
PFFFFFBBBBTTTTT
The cider was now permanently re-located to Celestia’s face and cards. Luna tried to ignore the fact that she had just spit-taked all over her sister, and focused instead on her outrage.
"Us? Date??” Luna took a breath. “Go?!"
Celestia calmly wiped her face, and placed her cards down in front of her. "I’m not saying it has to be a mare, or a stallion. Doesn't even have to be a pony, if that’s your fancy."
Luna’s eyes narrowed. "Are you on stimulants?! How would the realm fare if our romantic affairs were suddenly made public in some tawdry gossip magazine?"
"Well, for one, you'd have to have affairs in order for them to be public."
Luna opened her mouth, and then closed it. "Touché, Tia. Touché."
"And two, you don't even have to be you! Star Swirl, may he rest in peace, developed a spell for just that purpose."
Luna arched an eyebrow. "We thought 'Sunny Skies' was a way for you to blend in with common ponies and see what they think, what they feel."
"Oh, I do. I use Sunny Skies to experience all forms of common pony life." Celestia poured herself more cider. "And of course, all forms of Canterlot pony night life as well."
Luna gazed into the distance as the words sank in. "But surely..."
Celestia gazed across the top of her cider glass as she punctuated her words: "All. Forms."
There was no sound but the gentle gurgle of ponies drinking cider, and yet, something shifted in the air. Luna tried to focus, levitating the jug and poured herself more. Her grip was shaky as her mind tried to deal with the mental images invading from all corners, and cider splashed on the table and her chips. She didn’t seem to notice.
“Sister… we had no idea.”
“Exactly.” Celestia smiled. “That’s the point. No one does. And I am a better ruler for it. Princess Celestia is asexual, but Sunny Skies…” She chuckled. “The affairs of Sunny Skies could fill several small novellas.”
There was a gleam in Luna’s eye. “And if we win?”
Celestia opened her hooves wide. “Turnabout is fair play. Of course, I would go out on a date as well—”
“No, ‘Tia. We will not have my prize be your average tuesday.” Luna stared at her cards, seeing them for the first time. A queen and a ten... She looked at the cards on the table.
Two queens, an ace, and a three.
She had three of a kind, maybe more depending on the final card. The odds of Celestia having a straight or flush were statistically low. She kept her face neutral.
“If we win, sister, you must talk to Twilight Sparkle.”
Celestia blinked. “I speak with my student almost every other day.”
“No, ‘Tia. You must talk to her and tell her how you feel.”
There was another silence. Something changed in the room again.
"I don't know what—"
Luna stuck out her tongue and let rip a big fat raspberry.
Celestia gritted her teeth. "Luna..."
"We may have been gone a thousand years, but they still had schoolyard crushes back when we battled Discord!"
"Be careful what you insinuate!" Celestia snapped.
"Balderdash. We see how you look at her, how you act around her. Others may call it simple doting, but others haven't known you as long as we." Luna sipped her cider. "If you will not be honest with us, at least be honest with yourself. And her."
After a few moments, a sigh. “I can’t do that.” Celestia said carefully.
“Then we are playing for tea-pouring again, or shifts in the Royal Canterlot Dispute Court.” Luna shuddered. “The only thing we liked about exile was not presiding over that place.”
Celestia drank her entire pint of cider, then poured another. Finally, in a low voice, she said, “The Princess can’t feel that way about… her student.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Says who? Besides, she’s a Princess now."
“Even more reason why I couldn’t…” Celestia wavered. “The implications…”
Leaning forward, Luna hissed, “We rule this land. We do what we want. Except you, apparently.”
Celestia slammed her glass down on the table and jabbed a drunken hoof at Luna. “Then why don’t you get off your flank and kiss some ponies, Lulu? We’re alicorns, but we’re still ponies.” Her eyes went half lidded for a moment. “Ponies with needs.” She then waved her hoof around in a circle. “It’s a drift, I’m not sure if you are getting it.”
“We assure you, it has been gotten.” Luna said dryly, waving her hoof dramatically and knocking her pint glass off the table. “Varlet! You have spilled our precious cider!”
“Enough.” Celestia shook her head. “Do we have a bet or not?”
They stared each other down.
“You will tell Twilight how you feel? How you actually feel?”
“You will go out and try to find somepony?”
Silence. Then a slow nod from Luna. Celestia smiled. “We have an accord.”
“Then deal the final card.”
Celestia lit up her horn, and the final card turned over. It was a ten.
Luna smiled. Her odds of winning just skyrocketed. “We have you now, Tia.” She threw down her cards. “Queens over tens, full house.”
Celestia just smiled, and carefully laid down her cards. She had a queen and an ace.
Luna looked at Celestia’s cards. Then at her own. Then Celestia’s cards. Then at her own.
After a moment, Celestia added, “Ace beats tens, I’m afraid.”
There are curse words that were known only to Luna, as she had a thousand years on the moon to think of a new language. She used some of these words now, and at great volume.
"So," Celestia threw her mane back and smiled, "Shall we begin, say, tomorrow?"
Celestia blew the light layer of dust off the scroll, and announced, "StarSwirl the Bearded's spell for Royal Escape.” She unrolled the paper, and pointed with her hoof as she read aloud: “Unicorn mare, Pegasus mare, and the little used Earth pony mare. The male versions are on the back."
Luna frowned, staring at the ancient scroll. "The whole time, last night, you knew you had the winning cards the whole time."
"Now now, there was always a possibility you had two queens. And then you would be the one getting me ready for my big night."
Luna grunted and turned the scroll over, reading intently.
After a few moments, Celestia added, "Sunny Skies is a Pegasus, I find it easier in case I have to make a sudden departure. But it's up to you. The lack of magic is a problem."
"Why do I have to choose to be a different race at all?"
"Because Equestria only has four alicorns, Luna." Celestia chuckled softly, pushing her sister towards her vanity mirror. "I think a new, slightly smaller dark blue alicorn would draw focus, even in Dodge Junction, hmm?"
Luna looked at herself in the mirror, sighing. "We think most ponies couldn't find Dodge Junction on a map, much less remember how many alicorns there are." She flexed her wings out, staring at them in the mirror. Each wing was preened, honed, muscular and ready for anything. To be without them...
"Dodge Junction's been around for over two hundred years. You're thinking of Appleloosa, that's the new one."
"It's all new to us, sister." Her eyes found their way back to her horn. She focused and magic flowed through it, an electric charge that still, after all these years, made her coo with pleasure. Flight was one thing, but raw magical power...
"That's another thing. If you hope to attract a member of any of the sexes, barring a specific subculture with a royal fetish, you're going to have to drop the 'we' and 'us' from your vocabulary."
"Whatever for? Is there something in error with the way we converse?"
Princesses do not snort. Therefore, it must have been some other creature with wings, a horn and angelic voice who snorted at Luna's comment.
"It's simple, Lulu. If you're not going to try to date as yourself—"
"We would rather go back to the moon!"
"—you go as somepony else. The question is, what kind of pony are you going to be? Unicorn or Pegasus? Maybe a stallion!" She floated the scroll over to Luna, grinning. "You have to cast the spell yourself."
Luna blinked, staring at the scroll. A long silence followed.
Celestia sighed, staring up at the ceiling. “If you need some help—”
There was an explosion of blue magic. Celestia sheilded her eyes. The mists parted, and in front of Celestia stood a dark blue earth mare. Turning towards Celestia, the mare blinked. "Well?"
It was a deeper voice than Luna's, softer in volume but richer in time. Almost a purr. But Luna's eyes were Luna's eyes, nothing could disguise the deep blueness. Celestia bit her lip as she looked her sister's new body over. Her mane was black, short and sharp. Her back was strong, legs muscular and toned. And her entire back, flanks and legs, was covered in light grey spots, which partnered with her dark coat to create an illusion of a bright evening sky. The cutie mark of bright white stars was just the Cherry on top.
Finally, Celestia coughed, "An earth pony?"
Luna glared. "Are you implying error? Or that earth ponies are somehow lesser?"
"No, no, it's fine!" Celestia waved a hoof in surrender. "I just was surprised, that's all."
"You implied We... I only had two choices. But I was free to make any of the six." She turned back to the mirror with a smug smile. "You cannot tell me what to do, 'Tia."
Celestia smirked, chuckling under her breath. "Of course not. And what shall I call you, my little pony?"
Luna's smile dropped as her expression turned thoughtful. "I hadn't thought about that. I suppose I could be anypony."
"True. Some kind of name dealing with the night would be appropriate. Stay away from moon imagery, though."
"Yes, of course, Sunny Skies," Luna snapped.
Celestia put up her hooves. "Okay. What. What is it? What have I done?"
Luna shook her head, "It is no matter."
"Lulu!" she whined, "Please, this is supposed to be fun."
She turned, old eyes tearing up on her new face. "Not one word about how I look!" Luna stomped her hoof. "How am I to know what will attract a suitable mate?"
Celestia blinked. "Oh!"
Luna scowled. "Yes. 'Oh.'"
Magic exploded around Celestia, causing Luna to shield her eyes. When she re-opened them, she found herself facing a white Pegasus. Pink mane and yellow sun cutie mark, her smile was lascivious.
"I have a secret to tell you... You're the hottest thing to walk into this room all night."
For the first time in over a thousand years, Luna felt something new: the blush of adoration. Her jaw relocated to the floor.
Sunny helped her put it back into place with a gentle touch of her hoof. "I just met you, and this is crazy..." Sunny cooed, "but my name is Sunny, can I buy you a drink? Maybe?"
Luna coughed and looked away, her mane almost purple from all that blood going everywhere.
"Is that a yes?" Sunny asked.
Shaking her head, Luna muttered, "My command for modern day vernacular has suffered a bit, but the term it believe I'm looking for is..."
"Hot?" Sunny purred.
Luna arched an eyebrow. "Creepy." She hesitated. "Attractive, yes, but, sister, please. I know it is you. Therefore, creepy."
Sunny burst out laughing. "Then let's go find a mare or stallion you're not related to, they'll be fighting over you left and right!" She cracked her neck. "I'll be your wing mare, Miss…”
“Star.” She brushed her mane back with a hoof, smirking. “Our—her—my name is Star.”
“Star… what?” Sunny wrinkled her nose. “You need a last name.”
“Several of our ponies do not have last names.” Star shrugged. “Why should I?”
“No, I’m pretty sure they do.” Sunny poked her in the side. “And you’ll draw attention if you don’t.”
“Does not Twilight Sparkle’s friend, Rarity, she only has one name, no?”
Sunny shook her head. “Rarity’s last name is ‘Belle’.”
Whinnying, Star trotted away from the mirror. “Well, I’ve never heard anypony demand to see her birth certificate. ‘Star’ shall be fine for this exercise.”
“Exercise.” Sunny sighed, rolling up the scroll. “I swear, this is supposed to be fun.”
“And where do ponies go to have this ‘fun’?” Star arched an eyebrow. “Fun that’s not related to bobbing for apples, or any kind of party that involves pin the tail on the pony.”
Sunny grinned. “They go where the cider flows like wine.”
Star blinked. “Pardon?”
Laughing, Sunny opened the door. "Don't worry. I know the bartender."