You ever had one of those problems that was so insurmountable and glaring you in the face you knew you would never solve it and it would drive you crazy? Well, that’s what Equestria was to me. I had been doing my best to ignore it, not focusing on this like how rain clouds were made, why the night sky was the way it was, all the weird little plot holes that popped up around town, but after that one night…I just gave up.
Not gave up in the sense that I stopped trying to figure it out. That wasn’t really in my nature. I gave up on ignoring the things that were unexplainable. Because…I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was a human, and although I wasn’t a scientist, it still meant I needed to know how things worked. It was like that annoying thing in the back of your head that just kept picking, and picking and picking until you just couldn’t ignore it anymore and started letting it demand an explanation!
But so many things about Equestria defied explanation. Even with the ’it’s magic you idiot’ kind of explanation, because…I knew how magic worked! It was all emotion and belief and shit woven together with imagery on top of a little math for the more complex stuff like Love + Friendship = TOTAL DOMINATION!
And if I knew how magic worked, but not physics…then…there was no more fighting it. Equestria wasn’t really, real…and that went double for whom I was talking to too...was well...whatever.
I buzzed my wings in annoyance at the question posed by the pony and rolled my eyes before answering. It was one of those ‘why’ questions again. It seemed like she asked one of them every ten minutes since coming to see me.
“Okay, so I’m what you might call wishy-washy. One day I’m extremely focused, and the next, I’m looking at everything at once. That’s why I noticed it, you see. I had gotten everything I needed done, taken care of Twilight’s growing insistence we have sex by her eating me out, and dealt with the whole Defense Against the Dark Arts thing…for the most part…downsized the class anyway...
“You know what? No…it was Trixie. It was Trixie’s fault! Hell, I don’t even like Trixie! As a character, she is a pretty one dimensional annoying villain than didn’t seem to learn from her…well, okay I wouldn’t just go out and say she made a mistake or anything, but Equestrian karma did come back to bite her in the plot when she humiliated three of Twilight’s friends in the form of a giant space bear, so there!
“And now she just shows up out of the blue…like some weird last minute addition made by the blip in the universe because…well…crap I dunno. I hate Trixie. Why should I try and figure her out?” I finished with a chuckle as I laid in the bed I hadn’t moved from for the past…two? Three days? I wasn’t really sure.
No, it was three days, I was sure. I was sure because I had been awake for all of them. I didn’t really need sleep when it came down to it, not if I didn't exert myself, and that was kind of backing up the whole coma fantasy thing.
And…well…maybe it wasn’t just the whole Trixie thing. It was the dozens upon dozens of things that I had just tried to ignore since coming to Equestria…or going into a coma. Things there were no real explanation for, like how the sun's position in the sky was arbitrary, no matter where you were on the ground. Things that didn’t make sense, like how ponies could just forgive everything so damn easily without it coming back to bite them in the ass. All the coincidences… Winter Wrap-up. Yeah, Winter Wrap-up deserved its own slot.
I just got to the point where I couldn’t ignore it all, no matter how much I told myself I could.
As for just what I was doing, I was talking with my hallucination. I know, I shouldn’t have, but Celestia could get pretty creative when she wanted to be. When she started going on about sex, and how her third coltfriend that she had just picked up for the fact that his large penis actually allowed her to feel the penetration instead of just faking it like she did with her last beau in an attempt to forget about her first real boyfriend, followed by regaling me with an instance when he actually shoved his whole muzzle into that maw she called a pussy while showing me the damn thing by shoving it in my face…I kind of had a hard time ignoring her.
When it comes down to it, that horse has no shame.
And before that, she tried hitting me, a lot. Apparently Tia was under the impression that you couldn’t feel pain in a dream, then Luna kind of told her you could if the dream was lucid. Which was the kind of dream I was having. So…there went that theory.
After that, we talked about stuff. The first thing I did was go on about how this was all a hallucination based off the MLP series of cartoons, which I finally talked to her about by the way. She seemed more put off over the fact I had figured out I was crazy more than the fact she was a fictional character. Of course she already had the convenient excuse as to why MLP: FiM existed, but that was simply a convenient way to make things seem believable to explain to me how the universe was the way it was.
Then, when we were done with that, we went onto less important stuff, like Trixie, and why some nothing character would have even been in the school in the first place.
After just going back and forth for so long, I was too damn tired of arguing with her. We had gotten into existential debates, lectures on the nature of Equestrian reality, why the hell the history of Equestria was so vague about so much stuff, and a dozen other things. By the way, Celestia edits the history books.
Or she didn’t since none of Equestria was real, but...after days and days of talking it took an effort not to just be a good little nutcase and agree with her on shit.
Maybe that was her plan, to just make me give up and accept what was going on as real. Fill in the plot holes and all that with sensible stuff. Unless it was all just in my head…
Celestia sat on the floor across from my bed and sighed as she shook her head. “She was there because she received a letter of invitation from Discord once he found out Twilight was taking your class. Then he simply used his magic to hide her during the fighting and gave her a completed test so it didn’t matter how late she was to turn in her paper.”
I poked at the hole in her logic. “That doesn’t make any sense!” Which it didn’t! Discord wouldn’t mess with other ponies using a proxy. Especially since Trixie was a one time only character that was only brought back due to popularity.
“That’s only because you didn’t see the scene the two of them caused!” Celestia insisted.
“And you did?”
She groaned. “We went over that yesterday. Yes! I used the transformation spell to turn into a unicorn, then used it as a cover to enter your class!”
“Why?”
“Is it so hard to believe that I finally wanted some time to myself now that Luna has returned to take the burden of the night?” she demanded. “That I wanted to spend time with my student, my friend not as the mentor she still sees me as, but as an equal and companion?”
When I didn’t reply to Celestia’s question, she let out a groan and started over again, like she did every time I stopped responding to either start an old cycle all over again, or start a new one. “So, your original story about magic in your world as a lie. Considering the truth…I can understand why you felt the need to hide what you thought was real, and even why you believe what you believe now. But tell me, why now?”
I looked away from the alicorn and over to the wall of the bedroom Celestia had stuck me in, doing my best not to look out at the windows into the gardens below. My insect wings buzzed with irritation over this whole ordeal.
“If you do not answer me, I’ll have to go back to using the solution Luna doesn’t like and start breaking things,” she warned.
The thought of pain made me reply. “It’s a lot of things really. The plot holes…Twilight’s sexuality, the references…Equestria Girls…”
“What?” Celestia asked.
I frowned as I tried to remember what I had just said. “Oh, it’s what they called the movie. Um, it was this stupid story about how Twilight went to a world of humans and fought with Sunset over her crown. It wasn’t supposed to be real.” Or canon, I should have said canon.
“That is something you have said about everything in this world,” Celestia countered. “But why now?”
I sighed again. It seemed the damn alicorn liked asking that question, she did it every five minutes just about. The funny thing was, I had a different answer just about every time. I wasn’t messing with her, it was just…the more she asked, the more I thought about it. “Have you ever had…every...one tell you something so much, you believed it? Even when you knew it was wrong?” I asked Celestia. I wasn’t going to say pony. Screw ponyisms!
“And here I thought you knew what advisors were.”
The comment actually did make me smirk. I was depressed and disillusioned with a mental condition, not dead. “That’s what the hive mind is with changelings,” I explained. “It’s not mind control, per say. It’s just a lot of voices telling you something. When you have that sort of thing going on while sleeping, or what happens to changelings that pass for sleep. You get all the changelings, telling you things. At least, unless you’re the changeling in charge. Then it becomes changelings asking you about things…and informing you about things. And what is absolute becomes…immaterial.”
Celestia cocked her head. “Is that your excuse now? It seems a pretty…what was it you called it? In universal reasoning?”
I’ll admit, Tia had a point there. But as we had been at this for some time, she was wearing me down.
“Well…I suppose the changelings could represent my subconscious desire to remain in my hallucination,” I rezoned. “They give all the information on how to fly and use magic, the purpose not to question things, to do something, consequences if I don’t. All that stuff.”
“Oh? And what would I represent then, if this is supposed to all be a dream?” Celestia asked.
That one I had to think about for a little while. “If I had to guess, you’d be my…I don’t know really. I mean, the Celestia character in the show is a complete jerk, and a moron.”
I watched as the pony princess’s face turned sour. “Yes, you mentioned something along those lines after the Chrysalis debacle,” she said with a sigh. Then, she raised an eyebrow at me. “Am I really seen in that bad a light?”
“Well…you didn’t tell Twilight about Nightmare Moon, sent six civilians to fight a dragon, turned an entire empire’s fate into nothing more than a test for Twilight and told her she had to do it alone, gave Twilight a dangerous spell that nearly ruined the lives of her friends,” I listed before seeing the alicorn’s face get extremely nervous on that last one. It kind of tugged at my heartstrings, so I stopped it there “Look Tia, I’m not saying you’re a bad…pony…and now I’m thinking about you like you’re real again…great.” It was hard not to keep up the defenses when said pony actually looked hurt.
Okay, so maybe I did like Celestia as a person, even if she sucked as a god empress champion of her people. Humans had done way worse over time.
“Because I am real, as is this,” she told me before standing up to walk right up in my face. “And…with everything you told me, I can see how one such as yourself would…unhinge after some time with the way you question everything in a place that is so different. I mean…the little of what you describe of your celestial movements is so different from what exists within this realm.” Because Equestria’s heavenly bodies made no sense according to every known law of physics that I understood.
I groaned and decided to try and get rid of her. “Don’t you have a kingdom to run or something?” That had gotten her off my case the first day I was in here.
“Twilight is taking care of it,” Celestia assured me with a wave of her hoof to dismiss the question. When I gave her an even look, she just rolled her eyes. “Oh please, the mare has been needing something to do since she became an alicorn, and the majority of Equestria runs itself these days as long as I am there to stamp the documents. All she’s doing is running through checklists and coordinating activities between communities. The girl was practically giddy to get to work since I won’t let her see you.”
Apparently, Celestia didn’t think Twilight could take the revelation that she was a cartoon character. Although, I thought that it was good that Celestia was keeping her busy. Even if it was just a convenient plot device to explain how the big alicorn was the one talking to me instead of the smaller one.
I was the one to roll my eyes this time around. “And you just got off your throne to talk to me for days on end?” I asked in the best snaky kind of voice I could. “Yeah. That makes sense. The important pony that is so tied up with a royal paperwork that she can apparently drop on a whim now spends her days talking to little old me.”
And it was days. Celestia only left the room to sleep, and not that much either. Alicorns could apparently get by just fine on about four hours of sleep if they weren’t too active.
Then there were the things we talked about, other than science and junk. She tried to goad me into at least going outside to…I don’t know, look around? But I wasn’t about to be bribed into going back with whatever she had planned.
“You actually want to know why I’m doing this?” Celestia asked in a breathless tone that I could identify as her ‘you wound me’ voice.
I swear, if she says its because we’re friends… Well, I would probably hit her or something. Even when she was smacking me around, I couldn’t bring myself to hit my most hated pony.
Okay, Celestia wasn’t that bad, but still…
“Because the last time I saw one dear to me sink into a depression, I just went gallivanting around in my own little world and ignored it,” she mumbled sadly before her gaze turned iron. “And I have no intentions of letting such a thing happen again!”
So she was a guilty Celestia.
Well, at least that little exchange had gotten her to shut up and go all brooding somber…which was actually making me feel guilty. Stupid imaginary Celestia.
Maybe that was her purpose, to tug on my heartstrings and guilt me into accepting reality…or the fantasy. But…I couldn’t. I mean, a world of talking pastel colored ponies with magic? The ludicrousness of it made me wonder how the hell I even thought it was all real in the first place.
On the other hand, crazy people didn’t question their craziness. I didn’t at first either. But I’m what you call introspective so…there’s that.
Or was that just me being conceded?
I mean, beating one's own delusions by thinking about them too hard was kind of…weird. Unless of course I had been waking up every few days and talking to a psychiatrist or something…
But…that didn’t make sense, so the theory was scrapped.
Then I noticed something odd: it had been about two or three minutes since Tia had said anything. When she was in the room and I wasn’t talking, it was impossible to shut her up.
Since I was back in bug form, I didn’t have some passive scanner to tell me her feelings, but…I didn’t really need one to see she was all gloomy. But hell, I didn’t know what to do that would cheer up a two-thousand year old goddess that represented some part of my imagination, psyche, or…something.
So we just sat in silence for some time, until Celestia moved her head to look out the window. “What was…oh dear,” she mumbled.
I didn’t rise to bait as Celestia moved away from my bed and looked out the window and sighed. “I told Twilight to keep them away from-my she is fast. Better stop her from hurting herself though,” the alicorn mumbled before her horn lit up and…she blanched before a pair of pegasi crashed through the window and slammed into their princess.
That actually caused me to pick my head up. What the hell?
My answer came in the form of a prismatic blur that flew in through the broken window. “HA! That what you guys for trying toooooooo…um…Princess Celestia?” Rainbow Dash managed to squeak out when the giant alicorn rolled the two moaning guards off of her and picked herself off from the ground. “W-W-what are you doing here?”
“I think a better question would be, what are you doing here, my little pony?” she asked in a slightly sterner tone.
I frowned at her too. “And how?” The oddity of it kind of got to me. I wasn’t in a special room or anything…unless she had searched every room looking for me. Although then the question changed to why did she come?
The pegasus gulped as the alicorn towered over her. “Well…ummm ya see…” Rainbow managed before going into a bit of a panic. “I haven’t see Fae in days, and then you and Twilight sent that letter saying she was feeling kind of bad again, so me and Pinkie came to visit, but then Twilight was being all…princessy, and telling us we couldn’t, but she wouldn’t even tell us what was wrong, so I decided to sneak in and Pinkie figured out where Fae was staying, because she had these guards on her door, and so I decided to come in through the window, but then these other guards on the outside of the castle started chasing me when I got near her window so I had to lose them, but I couldn’t, so I decided to use them to clear the glass with this totally awesome move that uh…maaaaaaay have caused them to crash into you, and um…please don’t throw me in the dungeon!”
I couldn’t help it. Seeing Rainbow down on her knees begging a half confused and amused Princess Celestia got a laugh out of me. Which in turn drew Celestia’s attention for a moment before she looked back at Rainbow Dash in time for the pegasus to begin sweating bullets.
As for me, I glared at Celestia. “You put guards on my door?”
“Oh, so now we’re actually caring about the state of the world around us, are we?” she asked with a smirk. “And no, they are my escort, not your guards. And speaking of which…” She looked back at the two pegasi that were just then beginning to pick themselves up. “Are you gentlecolts alright?”
The white pegasus on the right cleared his throat. “Y-Yes princess. Apologies. We will take the intruder to the dungeons.”
I narrowed my eyes on sheer instinct when Rainbow Dash flinched. “Try it and you’ll be calling yourselves earth ponies by the time I’m done with you.”
What can I say? I was pretty protective of Rainbow Dash, hallucination or not. Plus, even if all this was a dream, I would have had to watch them drag her off to a jail cell. I didn’t really want to see that.
“Was that a threat, monster?” the other guard said.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Rainbow’s Dash’s gaze dart back and forth between the two pegasi and me, her expression becoming more worried by the second. “Uh…what’s going on?”
“Yeah that’s another thing I don’t really get,” I growled at the guards, Celestia, and the world in general. “These girls have saved your sorry lives time and time again, but what do they have to show for it? A stupid stained glass window? A medal? Applejack’s farm still struggles, Fluttershy can barely afford food for her pets, and Rainbow Dash…hay, there was a whole episode about the lack of recognition she got from her own burning hometown that she helped save from Discord! But a bunch of stupid, useless royal guards who should know them by sight and bow to their authority do everything from pointing spears at Twilight when she's running towards her brother, to stopping Fluttershy from going into a tea party that the rest of the town is already at!”
It was one of the things that bugged me about the whole idea of world saving heroes who got everything from medals to parades, but still got snubbed by everyone ten minutes later. I mean, there is a thing as too much hero worship, but absolutely zero recognition was just insane! Even Twilight I Am A FUCKING ALICORN PRINCESS Sparkle didn’t get any recognition.
Where the hell was the sense in that?
Okay, Twilight had some kind of perception filter spell thing going on that drew attention away from her wings, but Rainbow and the others sure as hell didn’t!
“Watch your tone with the princess you-”
“That is quite enough of that!” Celestia cut in getting all the ponies in the room to flinch. Then, she turned to face her guardsmen. “Go to the Captain’s office and tell him you have been derelict in your duties, corporal.”
The following silence hung thick in the air. “Um…P-Princess?” the guard Celestia addressed replied hesitantly. “What about the prisoner?”
Princess Celestia gave the stallion an even look. “Are you speaking of my friend on the bed, or the pony who helped save my sister’s soul?”
“Um…” the guard managed as he looked up and backed away. “But…princess, she…”
When that was all the guard could say, Celestia nodded. “Then you are speaking of Rainbow Dash,” she began. “Well in that case, she is to be commended to be willing to go to such great lengths for her friend. You on the other hand, were ordered to allow me time with the changeling king without distractions. Therefore, you have failed in your duty as a royal guard. Now go, and tell your superior officer such. Or I shall be very displeased.”
As the two guards beat a hasty retreat, Rainbow Dash shook herself out of her stupor. “That. Was. Awesome Princess!” the pegasus cheered before leaping up in the air. “and uh…no offense but…your guards are kind of jerks.”
Celestia cleared her throat and looked away from the pegasus’s gaze. “Yes well…I will admit, there is a bit of animosity when it comes to your and your friends. How many times has it been that the six of you have saved Equestria when they have proven…inadequate? Such a record does tend to breed jealousy.”
“Yeah…I guess I can get that,” Rainbow replied before giving the alicorn a nervous laugh. “So um…are we cool?”
After a minute of letting Rainbow Dash sweat it out, Celestia nodded her head. “No harm was done. Although, be more careful of your actions in the future Rainbow Dash.”
The cyan pegasus wiped enough sweat off her brow to make a small puddle, she giggled nervously and smiled. “Sure! No problem,” she agreed before turning to me. “So what the hay is wrong with you? Twilight made it sound like you were really sick again or something!”
“Homesick perhaps,” Celestia commented, drawing Rainbow’s attention before she looked back to me.
“So just go back to your castle…or are you talking about changeling hive thing you told us about?” she asked. “Because…that would be kinda creepy if you want to go back there.” She punctuated the point with a shiver.
Celestia shook her head. “You misunderstand. He…wait,” she mumbled before pausing to turn to look at me. “What if I did take you home?”
I looked up at the alicorn to frown at her face. “What?”
“Well, I’ve tried inducing pain, logic, various explanations on the history of Equestria and the workings of this realm, and you don’t really sleep, making Luna’s options limited, so…what if I simply take you home to prove my point to you?”
It was then that Rainbow Dash decided to poke her head into the conversation. “Um…what are you guys talking about?”
Celestia nodded in the pegasus’s direction. “Inform Twilight Sparkle that we will be gone for approximately…two, possibly three days. My weekly itinerary is full anyway, so Twilight should be happy with it. Now, let’s get going Fairy.” I didn’t know what was worse, that she was calling me by the gay nickname again, or the fact that she was almost giddy.
Practically swimming in confusion, I barely noticed when the alicorn picked me up with her magic before I was floating in the air. “Wha-hey! Horn off Tia!”
“Oh no! I’ve spent the past several days being gentle,” she told me before we left the room and a confused Rainbow Dash behind. “Now we’re going to take the horseshoes off.”
I could have fought her off, should have, but…what was the point? I was tired as hell, but not really all that hungry. And to be honest, I did want something to happen, anything really. I had spent the past three days just laying around a room doing absolutely nothing but talking to a big unicorn with wings about the nature of reality.
It got old. Not really fast since Tia did manage to help me figure out that Equestria didn’t have this thing called evaporation, which kind of raised more questions than it answered, but after reasoning out a few discoveries…like I said, it got old.
“And just how the hell are we going to get to human land anyway?” I asked in the most sarcastic tone I could manage while being carried by a sun goddess that probably represented my mind’s…introspectiveness.
I’m pretty sure that’s what she was. She asked enough questions to be.
Answered them too.
On the way out, Celestia met with a few ponies in passing and told them to expect her back in couple of days, Luna would have to take care of the sun until then. Twilight could help her if it came down to it. The changelings were to stay put, and that kind of stuff…you know…she covered all the bases. Even lowered the sun before we moved into the home stretch of things
“Did you already forget about the mirror I told you of?” Celestia asked me as we made our way through the palace, into a hallway with far too many colorful windows, and to a familiar-looking door. “The one I used to explore multiple dimensions during the early days of my reign and…increase my kingdom’s knowledge.”
And by that she meant steal ideas for stuff. Apparently Starswirl wasn’t all that, as he jacked several ideas from extra-dimensional unicorns, as well as coffee beans and peppers.
“Yeah okay, magic mirror prototype one-point-oh. What’s your point?” I asked as she hung me upside down.
Celestia’s horn glowed as she continued. “While a spell is required to find specific dimensions more than once, Starswirl and I did discover that by thinking of what we needed to do, or imagining places we wanted to go…we were able find a world that suited our needs…for the most part.
“So just picture your home, and we can start from there,” Celestia told me as she stuck her horn in the door and lit it up. “I warn you though, it may take a few tries to get where you wish to go.”
I just frowned as this big golden doors opened to reveal the magical plot device…and something occurred to me. If this was all a dream like one of those cheesy movies and everything represented…something of my subconscious mind. Then…was the mirror like the desire to leave or something?
Just step into it and wake up?
Well why not? I asked myself. I decided to make this whole damn thing look like a bunch of talking ponies so…I’ve had stupider ideas. If I awoke in a hospital or something, then I swore to myself the next coma fantasy I was going to have would involve sexy women with huge tits that put out like no tomorrow.
“Okay Tia, you can let me go now,” I grumbled, making her set me down.
After a few seconds of looking at the reflection of my changeling face, I sighed and admitted to myself that…a tiny part of me didn’t want to go…
Well, it may have been a lot bigger part than that but…who gives a damn, right?
So, after Tia put what she called a ‘medium’ amount of magic into the mirror, I walked up to the edge of the magical stargate and gulped.
Then I looked back at the alicorn. “Hey, maybe we should-”
“Oh just get moving!” Celestia grumbled as she shoved me through.
The next thing I knew, I was seeing so many colors I felt like I was on acid. And after that, I melted, and found out what it was like to be flushed down a toilet.
The first thing I noticed was…waking up hurt…a lot.
My head rang.
My back hurt.
My wings ached…
…wait, I thought before buzzing my insect wings and slowly picking myself up to stand on my hooves. Oh…so much for that.
Stupid dream imagery being what it really was instead of the symbolic thing for something else. But hey, that was par for the course I guess. You know, with Equestria screwing me over again and all?
I noticed it was nighttime, after sunset…which kind of lined up with Equestria since Tia did her whole pharaoh thing before we left and set the sun.
The sound of hooves on asphalt got my attention, and I looked up to see Celestia stumbling around. “Well that was a bit…rougher than I am used to,” she told me before she hardly moved onto something that didn’t carry the clopping sounds as well.
I was still fighting the pounding headache when I turned around to look at the pony. “What the hay Tia?” I groaned. “I thought we were supposed to go all…human.”
“No, the mirror that transported us here was our first attempt at dimensional travel and lacked the later spells that allowed for the metamorphosis into the nearest creature and translation spells.”
Trying to fight off the pounding in my head, I glared at the alicorn. “Translation spells?”
Celestia just stood there and raised an eyebrow. “You speak a different language than us. Did you think I haven’t run into others?” she asked. “Pony feathers, most of the words of your home language can’t even be pronounced correctly by equine tongues.”
I groaned at the sense she was making. “Fine, whatever.”
“By the way, can you read the language on that sign?”
Another frown was given to the alicorn for good measure and looked up at the…well…it was one of those big cheery signs that you’d expect to see on the edge of a town, advertising said town’s atmosphere with some kind of slogan and a bunch of happy pictures.
It did that, and two other things.
My knowledge of the human brain, while kind of limited despite an introductory knowledge of psychology, was extensive enough to know that I had kinda forgotten about what with my mental breakdown over the impossibility of Equestria and all that.
See, people can’t read when they’re asleep.
But I could read the sign, with it’s big English letters instead of the little squiggly marks that ponies used. And if I could read the sign, the normal human sign…then I wasn’t asleep.
I really blame Celestia for it taking so long to realize that little fact since she never left me alone except to sleep. Or talked to Luna. Luna probably knew you couldn’t read in a dream.
Stupid alicorn. I probably would have gotten bored enough to read a book if not for her. So yeah…it’s her fault. All hers…and maybe a little bit of Twilight’s if I picked up some of her bad habits like going insane over stuff because my alicorn body is sort of based off hers…maybe. I’m still not one-hundred-percent sure how the spell works, I just know how to work it. But I seem to have her love of female sex so…there’s that.
Okay, so one simple test and I realize rather quickly I’m not in some lucid coma dream fantasy thing. Good for me. And despite the horror of what was written on the sign, I was still thankful of its presence and the English language.
The second thing the sign did was make me want to go home.
Not to Earth though. I had no intention whatsoever of going back there if my option of going home was to do it as a horse…bug…fairy…thing. Hell, I couldn’t even make human sounds with my vocal cords.
Besides, Equestria was better, despite the fact there was no television, internet, and pornography was kind of redundant when everyone walked around naked.
Then, I looked back at the alicorn and frowned. “Fine, Equestria’s real. I admit it, you're right, I’m wrong. Let’s go home…now.”
Celestia just stared at me for a minute. “Very well…I shall prepare the spell then,” she said, more than a bit unnerved.
“One question though,” she said. “Why are you so…unnerved?”
I opened my mouth to tell her the horrible truth of our location when the roar of an engine made me turn my head to see two bright lights crest the hill we were standing on to blind me before a vehicle's horn assaulted my ears.
Then the bus hit me.
But, that's what probably happens when you question the nature of reality...or stand in the middle of a highway after dark.
As I was thrown around, or under the bus, or…something, I didn’t really know. Getting hit by a big metal transport isn’t good for my senses, all I could do is wonder if Disney was going to sue the town of Canterlot for calling itself the friendliest place in Kentucky.
Stupid Equestria Girls.