It was the first day of Applebuck Season and Applejack was excited to apple buck the apples on her apple trees. Her cousin Braeburn was coming over because he was in heat, so she'd sent her family away with a made up story about a contest in a faraway town. After she was finished bucking her cousin, Applejack prepared to buck her trees.
"Hmm" she mused, "this means ah'm'a hafta do th'' entire orchard by mahself. Ah well, what's th' worst that could happen?" She kicked a tree, and the apples came tumbling down. However, when they hit the floor, they splattered and oozed a gross and sickening mushy slop.
"What in tarnation?! They ain't supposed ta look like that until after ah turn 'em into apple fritters! That's it, ah gotta ring th' emergency bell!"
So she rang the bell with all her might, and all her friends came running, including the beautiful and faithful Cassandra.
"Thank Celestia yer here! Ah've got a crisis on mah hands, ah can't make mah apple treats!"
"Applejack, I think we need to review your vocabulary" said Cassandra, "a crisis means a bad thing."
"Wait, cider is made from apples, isn't it?" cut in Rainbow Dash, "Cassandra we have to do something!"
"Fine" said Cassandra, "I'll do it for three sessions of practice kissing. Now, Applejack, how did you screw up this time?"
"Well, ah was havin some private time with Braeburn..."
"...and you were too preoccupied to mind the orchard" finished Cassandra.
"Sharp as ever, Cassandra. Anyways, when ah was ready ta get started with th' job, ah found that mah orchard had been overrun by vampire fruit bats!"
Dramatic Music Sting
"What are those?" asked Princess Celestia, emerging from behind an apple tree.
"Wow Tia, you're really clueless when it comes to animals," said Cassandra, "do yourself a favor, and, just once in your multimillenial lifespan, put down the cake, and pick up a book."
"Thank you for your wisdom, long lost sister" said Princess Celestia gratefully, and she flew off to Canterlot to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar
"Now then" said Applejack, "allow me to convince y'all ta help me kill th' bats with a song. ♪♫ Kill th' bats, kill th' bats, take yer boots an' stomp them flat! Kill th' bats, kill th' bats, don't let up 'till they go splat!♪♫"
"Now hold on" said Fluttershy, "that's just cruel. Those bats are harmless animals, and as we established in the comic book episode, I'm totally ok with hurting ponies, even if they're my friends, but if you so much as harm a hair on a gnat's head, we're going to have a real problem!"
"But ah need ta harvest mah apples!" objected Applejack, "ah'm already strugglin' ta get by 'cause ah have no business sense!"
"But after the bats eat her apples and excrete the seeds in a politically correct manner, the new apple trees will be stronger and better."
"Fluttershy, how long d'ya think it takes a tree ta grow?"
"Ummmm... three days? ...I dropped out of school, remember?" she replied to her friends' furtive glances.
"Now girls," interjected Cassandra, " let's talk this out like the rational adults you almost are. I'm sure we can come to a reasonable middle ground solution."
"I wouldn't be so sure" said Pinkie Pie. Written by Merriweather Williams flashed across the screen.
"Oh," said Cassandra, "in that case, Applejack you lose the argument because you suck."
Applejack looked sad, but Queen Williams only dealt in absolutes, and being only 49% right was no better than zero. Besides, Cassandra was right, she did suck, and not just in the way that Braeburn could attest to.
"Umm Cassandra?" Twilight looked nervous and sheepish.
"Twilight, did you turn Fluttershy into a vampire during the five seconds I was looking away?"
"I was just dealing with an unwanted species by tampering with the ecosystem, it seemed like a good idea on paper."
"All right then, I have no choice,"said Cassandra, "I have to tap in to the forbidden magic that was forbidden because nopony except me could use it without fatalities." She sat down on the ground and began to meditate. When she opened her eyes, they glowed with every color of the rainbow. Using all her concentration, she tapped into the forbidden magic, and a dark light surrounded her. A beam of light energy broke through, enveloping Fluttershy, and receding her vampire fangs. Before long, she was back to her normal timid self.
"Oh, Cassandra! You saved me!" exclaimed Fluttershy gratefully. She climbed onto Cassandra's back and fell asleep from exhaustion.
"It sure is good that we can always count on Cassandra to solve our problems," said Rainbow Dash.
"We're back!" said Applebloom. The three members of the Apple family stood beaming proudly.
"And now we don't hafta worry about havin' a bad harvest!" said Granny Smith
"They were havin' a 'putting up with stupid ponies' contest, and ah won first prize!" said Applebloom.
"Well ain't that somethin'!" said Applejack, "how'd you get so good at doin' that?"
"Ah had a lotta practice" said Applebloom, "ah practiced every night an' day."
Granny Smith added, "Y'know, maybe if we diversified our crops an' sold our popular cider more'n two days a year, we prolly wouldn't run inta financial troubles so much.
Applejack laughed, "heh, Granny, that's so funny! Ah'm th' boss around here so only ah get ta make ideas."
"Loooootsa practice" whispered Applebloom
"Eeyup" agreed Big Mac.
"I have earth pony magic despite being a pegasus" said Cassandra, "and just from standing in this orchard, I've made your apples better. Now there will be enough for you and the fruit bats."
"Wow Cassandra!" exclaimed Applebloom, "yer like tha big sister ah never had!"
Cassandra patted Applebloom's head, "your sister and brother need you to help keep them out of trouble. Can you do that for me?"
"Yes, m'am!" said Applebloom.