Stick of Truth: The Equestrian Chronicles
Chapter Five: Grand Wizard Changeling King
Location: Badlands
The heat became unbearable as the sun traveled over the wastelands. The scorching heat was just one of the perils that the Great and Powerful Grand Wizard King had to endure. The awesome Wizard King kept traveling forwards through the depths of the forsaken badlands. It had been long an arduous journey and supplies were running low. The Wizard King was down to his last two bags of Cheesy Poofs, a snack cake, three candy bars, and two bottles of soda alongside his last can of Red Balls. Truly with supplies down to a critical level it was important for the Wizard King to reach his destination.
“Are we there yet?” the Grand Wizard Cartman inquired his changeling guide.
“For the fifth time, NO!” replied the irritated changeling. She was getting rather irritated at the Grand Wizard’s bickering. “We’ve been traveling for an hour at most. We still have around half an hour left until we get there.”
“Well then you don’t you have any rest stops on the way?” asked the Grand Wizard. “I’m running short on supplies.”
“Short on supplies,” chortled the changeling, “Short of supplies!? You’ve been eating non-stop for the past hour. Can’t you do anything besides eating and complain? You’re acting worse than a spoiled larva.”
“You shall not insult the Grand Wizard King like that!” roared Cartman. “We wouldn’t be having this problem if you people had fucking roads and rest stops. Man, Australia sucks.” He slammed his staff into the hard ground.
“I keep telling you, I have no idea what this Australia is,” shouted the changeling in frustration. The fat wizard was really getting on her nerves. “Why did I even agree to take you to the hive in the first place? I can just fly away and leave you here to die-” she paused as that thought. A grin spread across her face as she said, “You know I’ll do that.” The changeling spread her wings and was about to take flight but suddenly stopped.
“That’s what I thought you bitch,” retorted Grand Wizard, taking the changeling’s hesitance to taking flight as a sign of submission to his awesomeness.
“Quiet you,” hissed the changeling urgently, “There’s something out there, listen will you.”
There was a brief silence, all the Grand Wizard was occasional gust of wind. They stood still hiding behind a large boulder. The Grand Wizard tried to listen to the silence; he glanced at the distance but saw nothing but saw nothing but dirt, rocks, and few scattered shrubs. Then he heard a faint buzzing noise, it was different to that of the changelings. It was chilling noise, a buzzing that reeked of death.
“Scorpionflies, just what we needed,” murmured the changeling, “Well then Grand Wizard, you best prepare for combat. These bastards are the menace of the badlands. Their stingers can paralyze you and they can rip you apart with their pincers. And to top it off, these bugs have wings as well and can damn fly.”
“Are you sure we’re not in Australia?” asked the Grand Wizard.
The changeling guide decided to ignore the question and raised her ears as she listened with intense concentration. “The noise is coming from over there. We are going to take a detour,” she said as she pointed at the direction where the creatures were at. “But from the sound of it, the scorpionflies are gathering, but that doesn’t make any sense. Normally those things are solitary predators. That is unless… oh shit,” –her eyes spread wide open- “It’s mating season.”
They took a slight detour around the predator’s breeding grounds. While it only cost them twenty minutes, they felt much longer due to the Grand Wizards non-stop complaints. “Will you just stop such an annoying brat!?” screamed the changeling. “Can’t you just be quiet for a five minutes? With all that noise that you are making you might attract the scorpionflies—“
The changeling stopped as she heard the familiar low buzzing. She turned around and saw a large scorpion flying towards them. Perched on its back were wings were two pairs of wings similar to that of a beetle. Its main body was two feet long and its tail stretched another foot and a half where a menacing stinger was raised, ready to strike.
“Well nice going,” muttered Cartman, “You attracted the fucking scorpionfly.”
“Shut up,” growled the changing as she transforming into a large tiger. She leapt high into the air and tackled the scorpionfly to the ground. With her razor sharp teeth, she clenched at the scorpionfly’s wings and yanked it off with tremendous force. The giant scorpion hissed in agony. “Well don’t be lazy, help me kill this thing!” growled the tiger/changeling at the Grand Wizard.
“Why don’t you stop being such a bitch,” muttered the Grand Wizard as he pulled took out his aerosol can and a lighter. He flicked his lighter but there was not spark. He flicked it again but there was still no spark. He tried two more times before throwing it at the wingless scorpion fly in rage. He took one of his emergency matches and proceeded to set the scorpionfly on fire.
It gave a bloodcurdling shriek of as the flames consumed it. It jerked and ran in circles before raising its stinger to strike. But the flames proved too much for the scorpionfly as it collapsed and died in twisted position. “How in the hell are these things supposed to be dangerous?” he said as he stared at the charing corpse. “It went down like a bitch.”
“That’s because that one was a runt,” said the irate changeling now transforming back to her normal form. “They are some that are three times as big. Let’s just get out of here before we attract any more of them.”
They traveled on for almost another hour before they arrived at the Hive. The Hive consisted of an extensive network of tunnels, chambers and structures that were built along and within a small mountain range. High above at the summits of each mountain was a series of well disguised watchtowers. Scattered throughout the mountains were many caves and tunnel. But only a few of them actually led anywhere. Most of them were simply traps laid out in defense. It was a perfect hideout for those that don’t want to be found.
There standing at the entrance of the Hive was a squad of around twelve changelings. A gruff and stoic changeling stepped forward from the squad, he seem to be the commanding officer of the small squad. “The queen demands to speak to you and your… guest,” said the commander of the squad. “It’s best not to keep her waiting.” With that they entered into the caverns of the Hive.
The Grand Wizard and the changeling followed the commander and his squad through the twists and turns of the Hive. There descended through narrow tunnels as they headed towards the heart of the Hive. As they kept descending, the smell of damp soil became more and more prevalent. At last they came to a halt in front of large pair of carved ebony doors.
“The throne room is the other side,” said the commander of small squad. He gave a brief salute to the changeling guide and a glare to the Wizard King. “Remember this maggot; I have my eyes on you.”
The doors to the throne room opened, it revealed a large chamber carved at the very center of the mountain. The stone surface was polished and smooth, above at the ceiling there were lavish chandeliers hanging above emitting an eerie green light.
In front and center was a large magnificent throne crafted out of obsidian and jade. Its padding and seat was made of rich dark green velvet. Sitting upon the throne was the largest bug that Grand Wizard had ever seen. She looked something that Dr. Mephesto, the mad scientist that had a breeding lab outside of South Park, had been experimenting with a horse and a bug, except she only had one ass.
“Dandar my servant, I am glad to see that you have returned,” said the changeling queen to the changeling guide without putting effort in looking glad to see her..
“My name is Putukate my Queen,” responded the changing while giving a courteous bow. There a slight tint of remorse in her words but the changeling queen did not notice.
“Yes,” said the queen nonchalantly, “How can I forget such an important thing? You are Putakate one of my...uh… what is it that you do again?”
“I’m one of captains of your army, my Queen,” responded Putukate, not bothering to hide the remorse this time.
“Yes, yes whatever,” the changeling queen turned to face the Grand Wizard. “So what about you, few are foolish enough to venture into my lair unless they have death wish. Who are you and what you want from Queen Chrysalis?”
“My dear queen,” Cartman said with a bow. “I am the great Grand Wizard King—“
The changeling queen began to roar out loud with laughter. “You? A King? Pray tell, what are you doing in my hive? If you were really a king, wouldn’t you have sent one of your loyal servants?”
“Normally I would have sent Douchebag to do this,” the Grand Wizard replied calmly, “But right now I don’t think he can be trusted. I think his mind has been compromised by the Jew.” He reached into his pockets and pulled out an elegant and lovely emerald flower. “Please accept my humble present; it pales in comparison to your beauty.”
“Your flattery will get you nowhere,” snarled the changeling queen. “What do you want?”
“Why I wish to offer you my services,” responded the Grand Wizard, “My awesome abilities are at your disposal.”
The changeling queen glanced at the Grand Wizard, taking in every detail she could find. There was something off about him, something sinister. “I doubt you’ll be offering your services for free, what you want?”
“Oh not much,” responded the Grand Wizard calmly, “Just an army.”
Queen Chrysalis roared yet again in laughter, her chuckles filled the room. “Let me get this straight,” she said in a serious tone as her laughter dissipated, “You slaughter three of my children, force one of them to take you to my hive and now you dare have the courage to ask for an army!?”
“Look, we can just get over this if you just give me a god damned army and I can go out my way,” replied the Grand Wizard. “You hand over my army, I’ll leave. It’s not that hard to understand.”
The changeling queen ground her teeth at the Grand Wizard’s lack of respect. Who did this little imbecile think he was? How dare he show such disrespect to her, the greatest changeling queen that has ruled over the Hive? He’ll pay, he will pay all right. After the humiliating defeat at Canterlot and her not so successful second attempt, she along with the Hive were forced into exile and hiding. Of course Celestia extended her hoof and offered an olive branch, but the changeling queen knew better to fall for such trickery.
For the past months she had been working on making the perfect soldier. Just recently the hive had produced its first elite soldiers, the Dynastes. They were an elite core of super soldiers; each soldier was capable of facing an entire army on its own. It was good in theory, but she had yet to test out the elite soldier’s capacity. Now she had the opportunity in front of her, that fat cockroach in front of her will pay for his insolence.
“Zanthos, go to the Dynastes and bring back the mightiest warrior,” the queen ordered Putukate.
“Yes my Queen,” Putukate replied with a bow. She left the room, giving a low growl under her breath that went unheard. “Why can’t my queen remember my name?”
“Ah yes, I see what you are doing,” said the Wizard King, “You want to test about my abilities to make sure I am not lying, a wise choice, a very wise choice indeed. Well then if I can take down you mightiest with a blast of my magic, will you then give in to my demand?”
“If you can take down one of my Dynastes I’ll give you what you want,” Queen Chrysalis replied with a menacing smile. “But I doubt you’ll be able to. These super soldiers were bred to take down an entire army of the Royal Canterlot Guard; I doubt you stand a chance.”
The doors to the throne room slammed open, Putukate reentered the throne room followed by one of the Dynastes. It was a grotesque yet awe-inspiring sight. The Dynaste was the height of three changelings and as wide as five changelings. Its’ chitin was robust and thick forming a tough natural armor that could withstand most attacks. Perched on its head were two crooked horns with a twisted curl. The beast was a mockery combining the traits of an alicorn and a beetle. It spread open its four wings and buzzed towards the center of the throne room between the Grand Wizard and Queen Chrysalis.
The Dynaste lifted its large head and sniffed the air before glancing at the Wizard King. It opened it mouth to reveal two rows of crooked and deformed teeth.
“You may proceed,” said the changeling queen. The Dynaste lowered its head and gave a savage growl. Its two deformed horns began to emit a deathly pale light as it began to channel its spell.
The Grand Wizard was not behind and immediately began chanting his mighty curse, “Fuck, cock, ginger, lame-o, balls—”
Queen Chrysalis rose from throne not believing the sight in front of her. The Grand Wizard was surrounded by a barrier of lighting; it was grown more powerful with each word he chanted. “What is the meaning of this?” she asked Putukate show was sitting beside her.
“I don’t know,” the changing replied, “But the Grand Wizard is really cursing up a storm.”
“—shit, Christian, mee krob…” –more lighting was traveling through the Grand Wizard- “BARBRA STREISAND!” He had unleashed a barrage of lightning straight at the Dynaste. The entire room seemed darkened compared to the vicious blue bolts of lightning.
The unfortunate Dynaste gave a hiss and squealed in pain. It began to jerk around violently as if to shake off the pain. But it proved too much. With a blood curdling shriek it launched straight at the Wizard King. The Grand Wizard continued with his spell and sent a powerful bolt straight at the Dynaste. The changeling warrior collapsed and hissed in agony.
“I’m still not done bitch!” the Grand Wizard teased with a sadistic smirk, “Asshole, weirdo, loser, PIECE OF CRAP!” He unleashed another wave of lightning at the Dynaste. It curled and gave loud piercing cry of pain before collapsing at the ground. It was still for a few second before releasing its final bowel movement.
“HA HA! What now?!” gloated Cartman. He danced over the dead Dynaste before facing the shocked changeling queen, “So how about that army you promised me?”
Queen Chrysalis could not comprehend what she had just seen. Here comes this pest, this Grand Wizard King demanding for an army. He wasn’t bluffing and the powerful display of magic proved that. If this so called king could take down of her elite solider design to take down an entire army, imagine what she could do with him on his side.
Yes, that what she’ll do. Instead of giving this Grand Wizard his army, she’ll make him part of her army. All it would take was a subtle mind spell, cloud his mind a bit and he will be her’s soon enough.
“Oh great Grand Wizard King, I am awed by your magnificent display of power,” she said with a false smile. Her horn gave a dim glow that was barely noticeable, “Please tell me more about you. I would love to get to know you better.”
It worked, the Grand Wizard began to gloat about his awesomeness and why he was the coolest person ever. The changeling queen did not bother to listen. Instead she was digging her way into his mind. It was rather easy; the Grand Wizard had no mental shields or protective spells. He didn’t seem to even notice that she had penetrated his mind. The changeling queen could see his memories, read his every emotion and see every thought and fantasy that went through his head. She had full access to his mind.
“WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU TO COME UP WITH SUCH HORRORS?!”
Queen Chrysalis’ screams echoed throughout the cavern. She fell to her ground clenching her hooves over her head. It was too much. The changeling queen wished that she hadn’t peeked into the Grand Wizard’s mind. She kept squeezing her head hard against her hooves hoping that is would wash away the abominations she had saw.
It was terrible, never had she imagined such things were even possible. The Grand Wizard was a threat, with a mind as terrible as that and his powers… Queen Chrysalis shivered as she tried to brush such thoughts aside. The fat abomination in front of her had to be dealt with.
“My Queen, are you alright?” asked Putukate as she rushed to help her up.
“Yes,” said the changeling queen, “I’m fine…just fine.” She glanced at the Grand Wizard before whispering to Putukate, “Listen closely to me Kortha. You will not tell any changeling on what happened. I want you to take our unwanted guest to the holding cells while I’ll think of a way to dispose of him. Do you understand?”
Putukate gave a bow and did what she was told. “Come with me,” she told Cartman. They left the throne room together and headed towards the holding cells.
“Are you going to take me to my army?” asked Cartman.
“Yeah we’re going to take you to your army,” Putukate lied. She was in sour mood as they traveled even further down the twists and turns of the Hive toward the holding cells. “It’s not that hard,” she kept muttering to herself, “Why can’t that bitch remember my damned name?”
Two gruff changelings were standing guard at the entrance of the holding cells. They were passing the time by bickering to each other. Their banter stopped once they noticed that Putukate had entered the hall. She sighed at the sight of the two guards fighting.
“Captain!” said the shorter one as he gave Putukate a quick salute, smacking the the taller changeling at the face.
“What are your orders Ma’am?” said the taller one while he still held the smaller changeling in a stranglehold.
“Éntomo and Insetto, at ease you two,” replied Putukate. “Nothing big, just some orders from the queen. Now you two can keep from killing each other, I want you to escort our guest” –she pointed at Cartman with disgust-“over to the holding cells. I recommend The Pit.”
Insetto, the shorter changeling gasped, “Are you sure you want to send him there?”
Putukate glanced at the Grand Wizard. He was preoccupied eating the last of his candy bars. “Trust me; there isn’t any other place I want him to be.”
The holding cells of the Hive pretty much the acted like a dungeon where rebellious changelings or unwanted intruders were locked up. They remained imprisoned there until they were either brainwashed or disposed of. Rations of love were intentionally minimal; prisoners were only given enough to survive by. The purpose was to starve them until they surrendered and pledged their loyalty to the Hive.
But in reality the holding cells turned into a situation of survival of the fittest. The biggest and toughest changelings became the cell boss and got more rations of love from the weaker prisoners. This was especial evident in the holding cell known as “The Pit” by the guards. Located at the very bottom of the Hive, The Pit was held the worst offenders and criminals of the hive. Prisoners were thrown down from a heavy protected hatch that acted as the cells only door.
The Grand Wizard now stood in front of that hatch with the two guards beside him. Putukate was watching them from a distance as she tried hard to hide her grin. “Now Grand Wizard,” she said. “Your army is waiting for you at the other side of that trapdoor.”
“Oh this going to be so freaking sweet,” said Cartman in excitement.
Putukate gave the orders to the guards. They quickly undid the protective enchantments on the hatch and pried it open. They grabbed the Grand Wizard, or at least they tried to grab him.
“Dafuq is this?” asked the Grand Wizard as he felt the two guards groping his sides.
“Too heavy, AHG!!!” grunted Insetto as he tried to lift the Grand Wizard.
“Then just push him,” said Éntomo.
The two guards gave Cartman a mighty shove and he fell straight down to the bottom of The Pit. The Grand Wizard looked around the dark cavern but there wasn’t much light to make out any details. There were some silhouettes heading towards him. Out of the shadows stepped a group of rugged and tough changelings.
“Look at what we got here,” said a particular large changeling. He was at around a head taller than the other changelings and twice as thick. His body was tough and well built; a scar ran down his right cheek. “We got a fat little worm crawling down here.”
“I am not fat,” said the irritated Grand Wizard, “I’m just big boned.”
“I’ll show you a big bone,” chortled one of the changeling silhouettes. Roaring laughter filled the chamber.
“Shut up all of you!” roared the large changeling with the scar. Immediately the cell went quiet. “No one is getting boned unless I say so,” he said before focusing on the Grand Wizard. “Understand this you fat worm. The name is Mosca and I’m the boss around here. What I say goes and I’ll recommend that you try not to get on my nerves and we’ll get along just fine.”
The Grand Wizard held his ground and glared at Mosca defiantly. “Yeah, I think we have a problem here. You see I’m the Grand Wizard King and I the one in charge. Now you will respect the Wizard King and submit to my authoritah or I’ll kick you in the nuts.”
“What?”
*SMACK!*
Mosca collapsed to the floor holding his dear private parts. “GAH! My ballsack!” his screams of pain were magnified in the confined space the Pit. No changeling dared move to help him rather they stared in shock at the Grand Wizard who was relishing in his victory.
“So any of you want to defy the Wizard King?” Cartman challenged the rest of the prisoners. None of them moved, the Grand Wizard took as a sign to proceed. He took a look at the rough mess of changelings in front of him. They were a mixed bunch. Some were in pathetic conditions while other appeared to be tough and rugged. It may not be to his expectations, but it’ll have to do. Hopefully these changelings would be better bunch than the Somali pirates. “Okay then, now that we’ve established that I’m in charge of yah, let’s get down to business. So can you transform into anything at will?”
“Well, that would depend on what you want us to transform into.” replied one of the changelings.
“Yeah, we can’t turn into inanimate objects,” added another changeling, “If we could, then I wouldn’t be in the damned place.”
The Grand Wizard thought over what had been said. “Hmm, can you turn into Billy Mays?”
The changelings looked around at each other in confusion. “What’s a Billy Mays?” asked a changeling.
“Really?” said the outraged Grand Wizard, “You guys don’t know who Billy Mays is? Seriously what the fuck-”
*ZAP!*
Mosca’s scream of agony filled the chamber yet again. When the Grand Wizard uttered that last word, that curse word, sparks of lightning flew out of him and struck the large changeling. The smell of charred chitin began to fill The Pit. Each changeling glanced at each other nervously. Unless they wanted to end up like Mosca, someone had to find out what a Billy Mays was.
Finally one brave changeling, a former infiltrator for the hive, performed a spell to look into his mind. To her surprise, it was unprotected. She quickly accessed to his thoughts and transformed into the strange creature was currently on his mind.
“Hi, Billy Mays Here!” proclaimed the changeling now turned into sales legend. The Grand Wizard’s mood immediately cheered up. The changeling Billy Mays felt some positive emotion emitting from him. It wasn’t love but rather admiration. Whatever it was, she started to feed of the Grand Wizard’s admiration for Billy Mays.
Apparently all of the other changelings sensed the positive emotion emitting from the Grand Wizard and followed her footsteps. Soon the Grand Wizard was standing in front a small squad of twelve Billy Mays. Each of them feeding of his admiration for the master salesman of Chipotlaway.
“Oh my god, this is totally awesome!” exclaimed Cartman, “This way cooler than Kyle’s lame elf army.”