Lightning Dust Gets Drunk in a Bar Full of Strangers

by Fire Gazer the Alchemist


Wake Up

I woke up, and immediately regretted it.

“Oh, shit,” I moaned in agony.  My head felt like a hundred fireworks were going off with each passing second.  Lying face down on the floor wasn’t exactly helping either.

Wait, why am I lying on the floor?

I rolled my head painfully on its side, exhaling a warm, beer-reeking breath onto the cloud floor below me.  One eye popped open, bloodshot but usable.  I saw my bed not two feet away.  The covers were untouched, proving to me that I had been too drunk last night to walk the extra step to my bed before brutally passing out.

I staggered to all fours, barely able to maintain balance.  The aching pain all but split my head open as I did.

“Never again,” I muttered softly.  “Never, ever again.”  It was an empty promise made to an empty bedroom.  Of course I’d get drunk again; the same time next week.  Just like I did every Wednesday.

The thought of repeating my endless cycle made me curious as to what I had actually done last night.  My mind felt like it had been wiped by a neuralizer from that old movie “Mares in Black”.  I could recall walking into the bar and all the way up to ordering my first cider and then… nothing.  Just a blur.

I grunted with irritation.  Normally forgetting a night at the bar wasn’t a problem for me, but for whatever reason I had a gnawing feeling that something important had happened last night.

Running a hoof through my ratty, white mane I tried to concentrate.  The memories eluded me.  The corner of my eye caught my alarm clock on the nightstand, its red lights blinking to tell me the time was 11:30.

“Shit,” I muttered under my breath.  I had only an hour before I was due at work.  The Cloudsdale Weather Factory allowed workers to sleep in on Thursdays, since it was always the slowest weather day of the week.  I was grateful for the perk, seeing as how it was the only way I could drink so much on Wednesdays anyway.  Still, if I showed up late my boss would get fairly pissed off.  

Taking a whiff of myself, I cringed at the overpowering stench of apple cider and sweat.  I needed a shower.  Not a bad idea actually, a rush of cold water would wake me up and work towards subduing my pounding headache.  Not to mention I always did my best thinking in the shower.

Stumbling my way to the bathroom I flipped the knob in the shower.  The pipes squeaked as a stream of water flows forth, dousing me.  The freezing temperature caused me to flinch and involuntarily swear.  Then I voluntarily swore just for the heck of it.

The flurry of cold water dousing my face and soaking my white mane alleviate the hangover ever so slightly.  I sighed with relief.

With my headache beginning to fade, my memories of last night became a little more lucid.  As the water cascaded down my face, I struggled to recall what had happened.

Lots of cider, I recollected.  That much was obvious.  I was… talking with somepony.  Who?

I groaned; my volcanic headache was not quite finished with me yet.  

“Okay think,” I told myself.  I guess I preferred talking to myself out loud; it helped me work things out.  The fact that it was a sign of madness was just a bonus.  “You and whomever you were talking with were smashed.  They couldn’t have been a stallion since you went home alone.”

Unless that stallion was straight, the back of my mind said.

“Yeah right,” I told myself.  “What would a straight pony be doing in a gay bar?”

What a minute…

“She was straight!” I exclaimed, proud to have remembered.  “That’s why I laughed my ass off when Derpy kissed her.”

Memories began flooding back.  Bits and pieces of last night were popping back into my head.  I’d sung Colt of Personality with that mare.  And then there was Derpy’s disgusting napkin thing.

The hangover was fading as I switched off my shower, the steady pattering of water receding.  I reached around the shower curtain and grabbed a nearby towel, wrapping it around my pale yellow coat before I stepped out.

“This is great,” I declared.  “I remember everything!”

It was true.  As I dried myself off, anything I needed to know about the mare I’d met last night was easy to remember.

How many times had she called me an ass?  Four.

Why was she at a bar in the first place?  She had just been kicked out of the Wonderbolt’s Academy.

How many friends did she have?  None.

“Actually,” I amended,  “make that one.”  Of course I could count my self as her friend at this point.  We’d gotten drunk together after all.

“Yep,” I said proudly leaving my bathroom.  “I can definitely say that I’m friends with… uh…”

I contorted my face into a worried expression.  Even with my hangover all but gone now, the booze from last night had managed to block out one very important memory from my mind.

“Oh buck, what’s her name?”


Lightning Dust emptied the contents of her stomach into her toilet bowl for the second time that morning.  She moved her snout away from the porcelain, the bitter bile stinging her throat and tongue.

Coughing, she spat what little remained into the murky water.  Sloppily, she shoved her hoof towards the switch and heard the flushing noise reverberate through her tiny bathroom.  Just yesterday she had been the most promising cadet at the Wonderbolt’s Academy, setting all kinds of records and proving herself better than anypony there.  Now, less than twenty four hours later, she was hugging her toilet like it was her own mother.  Not that she ever threw up in her mother.

“Gah,” she sputtered, a horrible taste in her mouth. Her hoof wrapped around a nearby towel, which she used to wipe off her mouth.  Lightning Dust felt her stomach rumble, and her head was pounding, but she refused to leave the toilet in case she threw up again.

When she didn’t violently retch for a few moments, the aqua-marine mare decided it was time to get up.  Her limbs were difficult to stand on, but she managed to get onto all fours by bracing herself against the toilet.  Leaning against the wall, she was able to stumble out of the bathroom.  Her glazed eyes glanced tiredly at the clock she kept on the wall.

“Eleven thirty?!”  She yelled in terror.  Sheer panic forced her onto all four hooves as Lightning prepared to bolt out the door, hangover and all.  “Oh shit I’m late for training at the Acade…”

The panic died along with the words in her mouth as Lightning recalled what had happened.  She had been kicked out of the Wonderbolt’s Academy yesterday.  The memory was as clear as glass, and if she needed proof she could just look down at the gaping hole in her slightly vomit stained uniform.

She sunk back down the floor, wrapping her forelegs around the toilet.  As pathetic as it sounded – and it sounded very, very pathetic – the porcelain throne was the only comforting thing Lightning Dust had right now.  Bitter tears clung to her eyes.  
“It’s over,” she murmured, almost choking on sobs.  “My dream is all over.”

Being a Wonderbolt was all Lightning had ever wanted.  She’d poured countless hours into training, not even stopping after her bull-headed father thought she was overdue for a break.  She’d ostracized herself in the pursuit of being the best.  All of it just to be a Wonderbolt.

“Buck you, Rainbow Dash,” Lightning Dust shouted at the bathroom tiles.  Then she collapsed onto them, sobbing.  Who was she kidding?  It wasn’t Dash’s fault she was kicked out of the Academy it was her own.  She’d been the featherbrain that’d nearly killed five ponies.  No wonder she’d drunk herself into a stupor last night.

Last night…

“What the hell happened?”  She murmured, cheek pressed against the cooling tiles.  Her memories were hazy at best.  If only there was something that would jog it.

Lightning Dust gripped the edges of her vomit-ridden toilet and lifted herself up.  She reached out to prop herself up against something.  Her hoof found her shower curtain.  Without a second thought – or first thought, she was hungover after all – she put all of her weight against the flimsy material.  

Predictably she fell right through into her shower.  Lightning hit her head against the floor with a loud bang.

“Buck!” She screamed.  Her head erupted in blinding pain.  Ears ringing, Lightning tried to stand up.  Failing at that she tried to roll over.  When she failed to even accomplish that the aqua-marine mare decided to wait on the floor until the glaring pain subsided.

“Oh, how the mighty have fallen,” she murmured with a dull throb in the back of her head.  Her own joke just ended up making her more depressed.  As pissed about that as she was, Lighting couldn’t do anything about it.  She laid her head back on the floor of her shower.

Before closing her eyes, Lightning Dust noticed something at the top of her field of vision.  It looked sort of papery, and was caught in her tangled golden mane.  She sluggishly reached up with her hoof and lifted it away.  Although she intended to just toss it aside, the scribbles on it made her pause.  Her vision was too blurry to make out what the writing was, but she could tell it was a napkin.  Memories were on the tip of her brain but alcohol’s after effects prevented her from realizing what it was.

When she was able, Lightning forced herself to sit up.  Blinking, she cursed when she saw the letters dancing across the paper.  Eventually the scrawl on the napkin slowly became legible.

Lightning,
Thanks for the kiss  You’re really bucking adorable. You’re a goddess. Celestia, I’m so hammered right now. You’ve got a nice plot.  Give me a call sometime, Hot Flanks.
-Derpy

Lightning Dust barely made it back to the toilet bowl before she threw up again.

“Sweet Celestia!” she screamed into the foul water in the bowl.  “Why did I have to remember that?”

Praying that she had read wrong, Lightning looked back down at the napkin.  It said the exact same thing, and even had a small string of numbers right below it.  Lightning tried to hurl again, but found her stomach was empty.  The best she could manage was some bile-filled saliva, which plopped right into the mixture below her.

“I am going to bucking kill Rider,” she said, the memory of kissing another mare plastered to the forefront of her mind.

There was one good thing that came of that napkin; it had given her the jolt she needed to remember.  Every alcohol filled detail of last night had suddenly broken through the haze of her mind.  From the time she had angrily entered, to the time she had reluctantly left.  Lightning contemplated the good time she’d had there.  Compared to the rest of her day, it had been amazing.

“I can’t believe I went to a gay bar,” she said to herself, surprise causing her to laugh slightly at the thought.  What she said next, however, really surprised her, “...and I can’t believe I’m going back.”


One of the good things about being Derpy Hooves was that she was practically immune to hangovers.  A pounding headache, unbearable fatigue, and unstoppable nausea? Hah!  It was a walk in the park compared to taking care of Dinky when she was a foal.

Receding out of the abyss of sleep, Derpy’s eyes cracked open.  The first thing she thought about was how badly she needed a drink of water, though it was really more of an impulse.  The second thing she thought about was Dinky.

Dinky!

Derpy rocketed out of bed, not even aware of the headache that she had.  The gray pegasus was much more concerned about her daughter.  She began running out of her room, partially panicking.

How late did I get in last night?  Was Dinky able to get to school today?  Did she see me drunk?  Oh please Celestia tell me my daughter didn’t see me while I was hammered!

The sound of sizzling omelets on the stove made Derpy freeze in her tracks.  Who was making omelets?  Dinky was too short to reach the stove – not that Derpy gave her permission to use it anyway – and she couldn’t  think of anypony else who would be here.

A burglar?  She immediately thought.  

Yeah, cause that makes sense.  A burglar breaks into your home, but instead of robbing you blind he makes a nice breakfast for you to enjoy.

Geeze, I didn’t need to be that sarcastic with myself.

Her arguing thoughts were cut off as she neared the kitchen and heard a slight humming tune coming from inside.  It was a familiar and catchy tune that Derpy was used to hearing.  All her worry faded as she entered the kitchen and saw a pale pink unicorn setting the table.

“Sparkler,” Derpy said towards Dinky’s foalsitter.  “What are you doing here so early?”

The teenager grinned at that remark.  “Actually, I didn’t leave last night.”

“Oh,” Derpy said.  “Did I really come home that late?”

Sparkler nodded.  “Oh yeah.  Don’t worry though, Dinky was asleep long before you got back, Miss Derpy.”

“You know you don’t need to call me that,” Derpy said.  “It makes me feel old.”

“You are old,” Sparkler said, returning to the omelet and giving it a good flip.

“I am not!” Derpy insisted.  “I’m in my twenties.”

“Nowadays that means your old,” Sparkler said with a laugh.  “So do you want some omelet?  This one’s almost done.”

“Sure,” Derpy said, taking a seat at the table.  “So did Dinky make it to school okay?”

“Oh yeah,” Sparkler said, taking the thoroughly cooked omelet off the stove.  “I made sure to pack a lunch for her and everything.”

“Thank you, Sparkler,” Derpy said relieved.  “So I guess I need to pay you for the entire night then, huh?”

“Nah,” she said, dumping half of the omelet onto a plate for Derpy.  “The usual’s fine.”

“I insist,” Derpy said.  After she tasted the cheese and egg concoction she added,  “you’ve more than earned it.”

“Thanks,” Sparkler replied, taking a seat.  “So tell me, why were you so drunk last night?  Normally you’re more responsible than that.”

Derpy swallowed before answering.  “Well… you see I… I met somepony,” she admitted, blushing.  Sparkler leaned in, intrigued.  “I got so drunk cause I was trying to work up the nerve to talk to her.”

“Oh, you’ve got to tell me everything.” Sparkler said with a girlish squeal.

“Don’t you have to go to school yourself?” Derpy asked.

“Pssh.  It’s not even noon.  The only thing I’m missing is gym.  Now come on, stop dodging and tell me!”

Derpy smiled.  “Oh okay.  Her name’s Lightning Dust, and she’s gorgeous.”

Sparkler nodded, her eyes wide with anticipation.

“It was kinda weird, because at first she acted like she wasn’t interested in me.  Then I bumped into her again and it was like she was a completely different mare.  She said she was just too nervous to talk to me before.  I guess her cider gave her to courage to talk to me.  She’s a master flirt, too; you should’ve heard all the things she said to me.”  Derpy felt herself heatedly blush at the memory, only slightly fuzzy.  “And like I said earlier, she was gorgeous.  A total knockout.  It didn’t take long before I… well, I sampled the buffet if you know what I mean.”

“Uh, Miss Derpy?”  Sparkler interjected.  Derpy glanced at her.  “You’re drooling a bit.”

“Eep!”  Derpy brought her hoof up to cover her mouth.  Sure enough, a thin amount of saliva was spilling over.  Embarrassed beyond belief, the gray mare wiped it away.

“So you kissed her?”  Sparkler asked, a sly grin on her face.

“Yeah,” Derpy said, still able to remember the buzzing her lips felt when the kiss had ended.

“Did she kiss you back?”  Sparkler asked.  Derpy scrunched up her face in concentration.

“I… I don’t know.  She might’ve but…. The memory’s all fuzzy.  I can’t tell.”

“Oh,” the pink unicorn sighed slightly, upset that that one detail would elude both of them.  “Will you see her again?”

“I hope so,” Derpy replied.  “I gave her my number, but we were both pretty drunk.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she lost it.”

“Maybe she’ll be back next Wednesday!”  Sparkler eagerly suggested.

“Maybe,” Derpy said wistfully.

“Oh, this is just like in one of my romance novels!”  Sparkler said giddily.  “You’ll be there waiting for her at the bar, and just when you think she won’t show up, she’ll burst through the doors of the bar in a flowing gown and a rose between her teeth!”

Derpy laughed at Sparkler’s foolish idea.  “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen…”

“And she’ll sweep you off your hooves and dance with you.  Then you’ll go on lots dates and fall in love with each other!”

“Okay Sparkler,” Derpy said.  “That’s enou-”

“And then you’ll get married in a glorious beachside ceremony, with doves and a sunset and I can be your best mare!”

“All right, go to school you hopeless romantic,” Derpy insisted, cheeks inflamed from Sparkler’s insane fantasy.

Sparkler giggled.  “Okay, okay.  I’m going.”  

Derpy made sure to give Sparkler her foal sitting pay before she left.  The pink unicorn waved goodbye to her before leaving.  

Taking care of the remnants of her breakfast, Derpy did not feel her blush go away.  In fact, it grew bigger as the crazy fantasy implanted by Sparkler played out in her mind.  She rested a gray hoof on her forehead, laughing softly.

“Yeah,” she said.  “That would be something…”